The Girl's Guide to Depravity (2012) s01e10 Episode Script

Rule 72: The Unavailable Rule

Please shoot me if you ever see me in a veil.
I'll have died of shock long before I can shoot you.
To staying single and sexy.
Single and sexy.
Where is Jason tonight? Why didn't he come out? I don't know.
He's probably out with his new little plaything.
Really? He is seeing someone? When did that happen? Is it serious? Oh, my God! Oh, my God, what? You totally like him now because he's not all over you any more.
What? That's ridiculous! I know! It is totally ridiculous! Well, he just looked so cute the last time we saw him! Did he do something different with his hair or something? Don't do that! Do what? Jason is a nice guy.
Yeah, I know.
You don't do nice guys.
Well, maybe I'm ready.
No, no! You always think you are ready to ditch the asshole for the nice guy but it never works out! God, you get bored like clockwork after the second date.
Jason is truly one of the good ones.
And don't fuck him up! I'm not gonna fuck him up! And who are you to talk? You treat Jason like shit.
It's different.
He's like a little brother that only I get to beat up and no one else can.
What's up, fatherfuckers? Sienna! Sienna! Yay! So that's sienna? Totally not what I pictured.
What are you doing here? I'm here, because this is the last place I left you losers, and obviously you're lost without me.
Why didn't you call us and tell us you were coming into the city? The huz wanted to visit his dad and the step monsters so I decided to surprise you sluts.
And clearly not a minute too soon.
Girls, when I got married I bequeathed you two douches the depravity handbook! My legacy.
So why are the two of you sitting here alone verbally jacking yourselves off, while that twat is surrounded by fuckable men? - Bachelorette party! - Oh You cum buckets clearly need a reboot.
Hmm let's go.
I like her! Yeah! Woo-hoo! Oh my God! You girls are the coolest! You have to come to my wedding! Aww A wedding cake made entirely of cupcakes.
So original! How could we miss it? Okay girls! Bottoms up! Yay! Fuck, I'm drunk! Oh, honey! What? You're looking a little green.
Girls you better take her to the bathroom.
Oh wait, here, I'll take this.
I wouldn't want you to get puke on it.
Aww Okay, if there is anything I have learned about living in the 'burbs, is that men can't resist the challenge of a taken woman.
Ah Let's get you girls laid! What the fuck? Where are you going? Sienna, sienna! Sienna seriously! Now, who wants to buy my girl some shots before her big day? Cheers.
So when is the big day? Tomorrow night.
Next week.
Don't mind her.
She's had way to much to drink.
It's next Saturday, actually.
Means you've got a week to get in there, buddy.
Sorry, he doesn't get out much.
Come on, why don't you let me buy you a drink at the bar.
So how about you two? Any plans on tying the noose? I mean, tying the knot.
I'm single and sexy.
This one, not only has the ball and chain.
But she has moved out to the 'burbs.
Shoot me now.
- What? - You'll thank me later.
Oh my God, Marco! That's horrible! Really.
I got him back though.
Yeah? Waited about a year.
We were out drinking the night before a big meeting in New York, and got him totally wasted.
And I went home with him, I helped him pack, I put him on the plane, then when he arrived, all he had in his suitcase, one wrinkled tie, a thong, and in his toiletry case, a box of tampons.
Oh, my God! That's awful! Oh, my God, I'm being such an asshole.
That's mean.
God, you're beautiful! I wish you weren't getting married next week.
Well, um One week is a long time.
Last call.
Marriage is the last legal form of slavery.
Not that I'm opposed to being anyone's slave, but, um I generally reserve that for the bedroom.
Well you know what they say.
50% of all marriages are failures and the other half end in divorce.
Did you hear that, sucker? Yeah, did you? - No more drinks.
- I said last call.
Shoot! We just missed last call.
What do you say to going back to my place and Having another drink.
I'd say yes, please.
Great! I'll be right back.
I'll be right here.
Thank fuck at least one of my proteges still knows how to close.
What? You're cock blocking me! Honey, rule number 103, it's not cock blocking if he's not trying to score.
Hey sienna, I know I haven't seen you in ages and I'm dying to catch up, but do you mind if I take off right now? Rule number 89, you never have to apologize for sex.
Go! Honestly, how did you two ever survive without me? Are you just making this up as you go along? Watch and learn, bitch.
Watch and learn.
Oh! So I guess congratulations are in order.
Who is the lucky guy? Actually it's A prop.
Yeah, something like that.
So, you never told me.
Told you what? About you Um Do you want to go get a drink somewhere? I'll tell you when it's not just a prelude to something else.
Have fun.
Damn! Wish you weren't engaged because I would like to take you right here.
Right now.
Well, my fiance gave me a get out of jail free card for the night.
Yeah? And it's about to expire.
Well, we can't let that happen now.
Can we? Nope.
That was the best single serving night of my life.
Hmm I don't want to leave you.
Well Maybe I could get a get out of jail free weekend? We can just stay here all day.
I could live with that.
I mean, I can't go out, I can't have friends.
I don't understand.
No, that's not what I You said you loved how independent I was and Now you want to keep me in there like some fucking prisoner.
I got to go.
Okay, bye.
Was that Nathaniel? Yeah.
Man is completely miserable without me.
Is everything okay? It would be.
If we could pull off a miracle and get you laid.
So Who is your latest mark? Mark? Yeah, you know.
With whom you're plotting your next fuck.
Oh Well, there is this guy, Richard, but We just can't ever seem to connect.
Or more like his peen can't seem to connect with my vag for long enough to consummate our relationship.
I like a challenge.
Who else? Jason.
But Lizzie says he's seeing Jason what? Jason lutz.
Well, Jason lutz it is.
Where is he today? I don't know.
You don't know? Well, he's not online.
So? You call his friends, you hack into his email by any means necessary, sweetheart.
But that's illegal.
Rule number 44, it's not stalking if they tell you where they are going to be.
And he's not telling.
Okay, first of all, don't quote me the rules.
I wrote the fucking book.
Secondly, that rule, so 2009.
When David had that restraning order against me.
Jason may not be broadcasting his whereabouts on his status updates, but trust me, he's online.
You got his email address? It's in my contacts.
Men are so predictable.
It's so easy to hack into their mail.
Let's just try password.
Sienna this is, like, a really bad idea, okay? Can you just please stop? Bingo! What does it say? Okay, he's meeting some girl named Lulu in wicker park.
Lulu, really? Sounds like an anorexic chihuahua.
Come down to it, I'm sure you can take her.
Where are you going? Get dressed, bitch.
Game on! Oh, Kaylie, how are you? I'm great, but poor Jordan is sicky-poo.
Just went and got him some tea and later, I'm going to give him an enema in my naughty nurse's outfit.
Why? What's wrong with him? Sore throat.
Well Got to go.
Oh, I couldn't stand living next to that clueless Barbie.
She's actually really nice.
Ha, yeah! Nice and retarded.
Come on.
Let's bounce.
He's not here yet.
He's right there.
Where? In the plaid sweater.
No! What do you mean no? He's so not your type! I don't have a type! Sam, in all the years I've know you, you only dated dickwads, douche bags and unavailable men! That one looks like he'd be available for anything.
Even a teeth cleaning.
I can change my type.
What? Did he reject you or something? What? No! Actually, he's been dying to get with me.
It's just that Yeah, I can see that.
It's just that I keep rejecting him, so now he's dating this new girl.
All right, are you sure this pussy is who you want? Because I'm breaking my own rule about taking down civilians.
Just remember, you asked for it.
Shit! They're on the move.
Okay, okay.
Let's do the front and follow.
Just, come on! Ugh! Even his movie choice is pussy-rific! Come on! Let's go! Can we at least get popcorn? Is that a sunburst? No no! Come on.
Let me see! Oh, my God! I know Result of a drunken weekend in la.
Bachelor party, Miami.
No, shut up! This must mean something.
We both do stupid things when we're wasted.
We were wasted last night, but that was one of the smartest things I've ever done.
Marco? Lizzie.
I have to be honest about something.
I'm starving.
Look, he's putting his arm around her.
Ooh call the decency police.
I can't believe we're sitting through 2 hours of this puke fest and you're not even making a move! First of all, you've been asleep almost this entire movie.
Second of all, I can't make a move! We're in a theater.
And they are together.
Rule number 59, you can make a move anywhere.
I once make a move on a guy outside of a hospital room, right before his wife was about to give birth.
We fucked in a closet.
He was back in time to see his baby's head crown his wife's vag.
Thank fuck that's over! Just because you can fuck a guy, doesn't mean that you should.
Um, yeah.
That's exactly what it means.
Come on Sam, it's now or never, bitch.
Maybe we should just let they be for tonight.
Okay, you like this guy? Yeah.
And the only thing that's standing in your way is that skinny bitch? Rule number 99, all is fair in love and war.
Wait a minute, you didn't even write that.
You think Betty Crocker came up with all those fucking recipes? I really loved it, yeah.
Do you mind just holding my stuff 'cause I'm just going to run to the bathroom.
Awesome! Thanks! Hey.
Sam! What a coincidence.
I know! I didn't know you liked foreign films.
Oh, I love this director.
That long tracking shot of the little girl was so beautiful.
What? Oh yeah, totally.
I I love that girl! She was just amazing.
I didn't understand why she wasn't in the last half of the movie.
Well, she was dead.
Oh, my God! I'm so stupid! I I guess I Thought my phone was on vibrator.
I mean vibrate.
And then I I couldn't find my glasses to read Oh, honey, there is something on your sweater.
What are you talking about? Here, let me help you wash it off.
So, um How would you feel about grabbing a drink? I mean After all that popcorn, I'm so thirsty.
I think I'll probably be pooing kernels for days, oh, God! Forget that I said that.
Actually, Sam, I'm on a date.
You are? I'm sorry.
I had no idea.
Jason! We have to go, now! Bye.
Where is he? He left! What did you do? I was creating a distraction.
You didn't close? I was close, but then I I got nervous and then I started talking about pooing popcorn.
It's like I've taught you nothing.
You're lucky I pissed her off tonight, so he won't be getting any.
Or not.
Come on, lets go! Uh-uh.
You should stay and get a preview of what sex with him will be like.
Turns out to be a dud.
You can stop pinning after him.
Oh! Oh! Oh! You're leaving? Yeah, I gotta head back home.
I hate to go, but If I stay any longer, I think I might seriously start falling fr you.
Since you're getting married next week I don't think that would be the smartest move.
Actually, I'm not.
You're not what? Getting married.
I just wore the veil to see what would happen and I am totally and completely single.
Well I'm not.
Is that really Oh, my God! Just say hi already.
It's okay.
I'm good.
I didn't just leave, I said I was outie.
Of course I'm coming home.
Yes, tonight.
The huz just got home and he's jonesing for a piece of my puss.
Sorry, girls.
Better take this one to go.
No, no.
You just got here! Duty calls.
Stay depraved, my bitches.
Bye sienna.
Bye sienna.
I get the sense that life in the 'burbs is really driving her nuts.
What are you talking about? She is the same crazy bitch she has always been.
What happened with you two? Let's just say that I don't think that all of sienna's rules are meant to be followed.
Don't let what happened with you and Jason ruin This isn't about fucking Jason.
Didn't you notice what was going on with her? Her marriage is fucked up! And she is lying about it.
To us! I didn't notice anything about that in the handbook.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- Nice dress though.
You didn't get laid.
It happens to the best of us.
Relax! Let's go.
Come on.
Remember me? Not at all.
I'm a friend of Jason's.
We met the other night at the movies.
Oh, right.
You know, Jason is a really nice guy.
Like, one of the sweetest, kindest, most considerate guys I know.
Really? Yeah.
Totally the marrying kind.
If I were you, I wouldn't let him go.
Okay, well, have a great night.
Fuck that! Lulu? You'll always have Paris.