The Girl's Guide to Depravity (2012) s01e12 Episode Script

The Getting His Attention Rule

Fucking Sundays.
I have that feeling I used to get when my parents would watch 60 minutes.
And just hearing that ticking clock, would make my stomach turn.
Weekend is over.
Mmm.
You know that's a sign of sexual frustration, right? Yeah, it is.
I have a crazy idea.
Does it involve a stick of butter and ass play? 'Cause I'm going to have to take a pass on that one.
Appealing as that sounds, how about we go back to my place and watch a Ryan gosling movie? Ice cream is on me.
Sounds like a sad, pathetic evening.
Lizzie.
Let's do it.
I am woman, hear me roar, bitches.
I asked the cabbie where the dirtiest sluts in town go to get wasted, looks like he did me right.
Yay, the godmother! Oh, my God! Wow! Hey! What are you doing here? That's the greeting I get? Fuck you.
Are you spending the night? Rule number 6, always be prepared.
The huz and I got into a fight.
So I came to the big bad city to blow off some steam until he begs me to come home.
What was the fight about? Ugh, he is so in the wrong with this one.
I go into the bathroom this afternoon and there's magazines everywhere.
Porn? No! Like foreign affairs, the economist.
Shit like that.
And they're all opened to the page where he last stopped reading.
Which forces me to visualize him sitting on the can, reading his dumb-ass articles, while making a jobbie.
It's fucking gross.
- Ew! - No.
Marriage is a fucking prison girls, stay single.
Yup! Speaking of which, any prospects? Um, we were actually thinking about ice cream and a quiet night.
Fuck that.
How about him, hmm? How the two of aren't hitting that shit? And Tyler, how is it possible I still don't have a libation? Drink me.
What will it be? Honey, I take my drinks like my men, strong and stiff.
Hear, hear.
Ah, another one.
Pop quiz.
What's rule number 23? Oh! Watch and learn.
This can't end well.
Do I have your attention now? Lady, what the hell are you doing, huh? Did you just call me "lady"? Did you guys just hear that? You like the rougher stuff, huh? All right, well two can play at this.
Okay! Lady, you just threatened a peace officer! You're hurting me.
I'm booking your drunk ass.
Are you serious? You want me to cuff you? Mmm, sounds dirty.
Is it extra? Officer, wait, wait, wait.
She's just had too much to drink.
You're damn right, she has.
Come on, let's go! Please, officer, really hold on a second.
Please! Please don't do this.
How would you like it if I gave you the single greatest sloppy Jackson, you've ever had? Oh, now we've got bribing an officer, too.
Okay, we're done here.
Sloppy Jackson, are you serious? Is that even legal? Get me a lawyer bitches, uh! And then he dragged her off.
Do we know where they took her? Probably central booking, but we won't know much until morning.
Okay, I'll take a train down then.
It'll give her a chance to cool down.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
Oh, it's not your fault.
Sienna's been on a tear lately.
Yeah, I heard about the magazine fight.
Yeah, it's not really about a magazine.
I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Oh, one more thing, what is a sloppy Jackson? Attica! Attica! Attica! So, what're you in for? Damn, jail is boring.
And cold.
Next time I get arrested, I'm bringing a sweater.
Jason, just cover for me.
I'll be right there.
Please tell me last night was all just a bad dream.
Hate to rain on your parade, but Our best friend and mentor is in jail.
I've been thinking about that.
I never noticed it when she was lived here, but sienna's crazy.
- Yeah, she's a crazy bitch.
- No! Not a crazy bitch, like a down ass chick.
Crazy like a cult leader.
Are you saying we've been drinking the powdered punch? Well, are we any better off dick-wise, than we were before sienna? Who gets laid more than we do? That's not Look, everything she taught us is designed to make sure of one thing.
Yeah, what's that? To make sure we stay alone.
You think the other way is better? Keep hoping that, "this time I finally met the one.
" Turns out, each time, you were wrong.
He's just a douche like the rest.
How many times do you want to go through that? At least that way there's a chance.
This way too, sienna found a guy, she's married.
Yeah! And every choice she makes sabotages that marriage.
She's in fucking prison.
Well, maybe we're not the monogamous type.
Maybe we just need the action.
Maybe we're all just afraid.
Of course I'm available.
Okay, great.
See you then.
This is for the aldon website.
Okay, thanks.
That sounds promising.
SHERMAN, our second date.
Listen, about that advice I gave you before, with your birthday buddy.
Forget it.
Follow your own rules, not mine.
I know.
Your rules are for women with no self-respect.
Mine, 10 dates before he gets to You know.
You think he can wait that long? If he can't wait, then he's not worth waiting for.
But I think he can.
Sounds like a keeper.
Where'd you meet him? A college friend of mine works with him at the public defenders' office.
He's a criminal lawyer? Mmm.
I'll be right back.
So how quickly do you think we can get her out? The problem is your friend got busted on a Sunday night.
That's pretty bad timing.
How come? Aren't you a lawyer? Yeah, but I pretty much slept through crim law.
You wouldn't learn this in school.
But there's a change in shift in the weekend to week, in court and in the police station.
It slows everything.
At best, she's out in 48.
But that's pretty optimistic.
Fuck! Maybe she needs this wake-up call.
Look, I can make some calls, see if I can pull a few favors.
I have some frenemies at the d.
A.
'S office.
Isn't he the best? - Sam.
- Oh, Nathaniel, hey.
Hi.
This is Kate, co-worker of mine.
Hi.
Hi.
And her terrific boyfriend, SHERMAN.
How you doin'? He's a public defender.
He's helping us out.
Oh, hey.
Oh, you must be the husband.
Guilty, ah.
Is there anyway I could see her? I can make some calls.
Thank you so much.
Cute, huh? Adorable.
10 dates? That's my rule, I'm sticking to it.
Hey, where's the bathroom? Where's that glass wall we have to talk through? Hi, honey.
Hey, babe.
I'm a total idiot.
No, you're not.
You're only an idiot about 16% of the time.
So I get a b? B+.
Oh.
Or an a- if I'm judging on the curve.
So How's the food? I'm giving it 41/2 plastic forks.
Oh.
And the accommodations? 1,000 count Egyptian cotton sheets, chocolates on my pillow after maid service.
Ooh.
Making friends? I'm thinking about becoming a lurd.
Lurd? Lesbians until release date.
Oh.
Do you mind? Well, not if she's cute.
I don't see why not.
I need to grow up.
I'm sorry about the magazines.
I know how crazy it makes you.
Right now it seems like a good problem to have.
I forgive you.
Same here.
Really? Because reading on a toilet and assaulting a police officer aren't exactly on the same level.
Baby, you're the one I chose.
Warts and all.
I am Gonna try to stop doing things to make you regret that decision.
Time.
They run a tight ship around here.
We're gonna get you out of here.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Well, he has the money for bail.
It's all set.
Ah, fantastic.
You're awesome.
Sienna will be out by tonight.
You're awesome.
Can I confess something? You assaulted a cop, too? No, I I just I want you to know that I have this rule.
I can't sleep with a guy for at least 10 dates.
That's, uh Okay.
10 dates.
But I really like you.
I like you, too.
So, you're okay with that? Of course I am.
I can respect that.
Of course I Of course, what? I I could find a loophole.
A loophole? I'm a lawyer, you know.
I'm an expert at finding loopholes.
Okay, like what? Well, do you always start with language, words, they can have plenty of meaning.
Like, for example, "date.
" Is there a time limit on that? I don't think so.
So How about a date marathon? This is our second date, so we need 8 more.
8 dates.
Okay I'm in.
Can I go home and change first? Okay, so then we finished the game.
And we ordered food.
And now we're eating, so So that's 10 dates.
10 dates.
So oh.
Oh, shit! Relax.
I had a good long talk with your husband.
I'm married, too, and it can make you crazy sometimes.
I'm dropping the charges.
Thank you.
Yeah, but no more threatening peace officers okay? Is that what you really call yourself, a peace officer? Are you fucking with me? I'm done with that.
Good answer.
Well, thanks again.
No problem.
You know, I try to forgive people when I can.
Just one of my rules.
The end of an adventure.
Not quite.
What do you mean? 10 minutes.
Are you trying to have jailhouse sex with me? That is the foulest, most perverted thing you've ever proposed to me.
I love it.
Oh, one more thing.
What is a sloppy Jackson, and how do I get one? Behave yourself and I'll show you.
Oh! It's open.
It's done.
What's that? The rules.
The girls guide to depravity, volume one.
I'm having some doubts about some of them.
I highlighted them.
What do you think? Scooch over.
66? That's a classic.
A classic that led to you needing a round of antibiotics.
It was worth it.
And 48, are you kidding me? How do you think I got to sleep with that super hot Italian guy? He stole your identity.
Small price to pay.
Sam, stop freaking out on me, okay? Sienna went a little overboard.
That's all.
Hey.
Take a deep breath.
Think about all the fun times and the great stories that we have.
Would you really want to trade grabbing life and guys by the balls for some night spent alone at home, waiting for some asshole to make the first move? That's the thing, I'm just not sure.
We have had a shock to the system.
But when the dust settles you will see we are better off with them.
Does it ever bother you that it always ends up just us? You gotta say, it's a pretty great place to end up.
You're the coolest chick ever.
Ditto.
This isn't going to become a lesbian moment, is it? No, no, you're not my type, anyway.
What is your type? She looks a lot like Ryan gosling.
Funny, that's my type, too.
Oh, no wonder we get along so well.