The Goldbergs s03e11 Episode Script
The Tasty Boys
Back in the '80s, my brother and I never liked the same music.
That is, until we heard a group that would change our lives forever.
Ell, I'm Mike D, and I'm back from the dead Chillin' at the beach down at Club Med The Beastie Boys.
To us, they weren't just a rap group.
They were a way of life.
We copied their videos and memorized every single lyric.
Simply put, they were a game-changer.
I'm telling you, dude, if Mike D met us, - he would be like, "We should be best friends.
" - For sure! We're practically related They rap, they party hard, and they're in the tribe.
All three of them! What are the chances? Wait a minute.
Do you realize what this means? If the Beasties can make it, so can we.
Answer me this Do we not have a license to ill? Dude, you spelled "license" wrong.
Don't pass this offer up, Ad-Rock.
I think you have what it takes to join my Beastie-boys-inspired supergroup The Tasty Boys.
Could we give it five more minutes on the name? No! The name has stuck.
You'd really let me into your rap supergroup? Of course.
Your weird voice sounds like you have a young man and an old woman stuck in your body, so I'll clearly be the breakout star.
I accept! Ill.
We are so ill.
Who's ill? Oh, my god, get to bed.
No one's going to school today.
- But - Ba-ba-ba! We're both ill and sick.
I guess the only thing I can do is wait on you hand and foot in front of the TV.
Come on.
Yeah.
Being a rap star is awesome! It was January 6, 1980-something The fateful day my mom - first laid eyes on our neighbors' new kitchen.
- Ta-da! Everything was brand-new.
It was an '80s architectural masterpiece of formica and every shade of brown.
Is that a Lazy Susan? It is! Is this almond-colored? It's beautiful.
Like dirty snow.
This linoleum it looks like real tile.
Oh, it spins around! Look! The cinnamon was in the back, and now it's in the front! And the best part Charles did the whole thing himself, and it cost half the price.
- Get out.
- I swear.
No, get out of my way.
Move your body.
I must speak to Murray now.
Wha We're getting a new kitchen.
What's wrong with the old kitchen? You just said it it's old.
It doesn't have what I need in a kitchen.
Hello, Bill.
All you need in the kitchen is food and forks and maybe a cup or two.
Also, you'd be surprised how often you use a juicer.
Then it's settled.
We're gonna get a juicer.
Damn it, Bevy, you win again.
I mean it.
We need to renovate.
This thing should be in a museum a museum of ugly refrigerators.
Blech! And look at this floor.
No, don't.
It'll give you a seizure.
And what about these Lazy-Susan-less cabinets? I've got to move the other spices out of the way like a wild animal.
Like, "oh, here's the tarragon.
" Oh.
And now I'm stressed out.
She did make a mess.
Bevy, I'd love to give you a new kitchen, but it would cost a fortune.
And the materials alone I'm a tile man.
I'll hook you up for free.
Yeah, but the labor.
I'll install it myself.
Bill, read the room.
I see what this is about.
You don't want this 'cause you're afraid of change.
What are you talking about? You're a creature of habit.
For the last 10 years, you've had the same job, same car, same clothes.
Just because I like things a certain way doesn't mean I'm a creature of habit.
Then how do you explain this? Back in the '80s, Coca-Cola announced new Coke, which sent their old-school customers into a tailspin.
The second you find out that Coke is changing their recipe, you start to stockpile.
What kind of person is afraid of new Coke? It's nuts.
I'm not afraid.
I just like the old-timey original kind.
Okay, see? You're just proving my point.
Bevy, I try new stuff like that big pink orange I ate that one time.
- The grapefruit? - Yeah.
Never again.
The point is, I love change.
Well, there's gonna be some big changes around here.
Big changes! As my mom was laying down the law, Barry was laying down some tracks.
Good afternoon, my name is Barry I came to get down, and my rhymes are scary You morons! I told you to stop going in my room and stealing my old glasses.
But we need them to get the cool fisheye-lens effect.
Your jacked-up eyeballs are our hip-hop supergroup's game.
I'm sorry.
Supergroup? You may play the guitar and sing like an angel, but I'm the real musician in the family.
I'm just happy he's including me.
Like DJ Jazzy Jeff.
Dude, you're not a real musician.
You can't sing or read music or play an instrument, unlike me, who can do all of it.
Hiding in your bedroom.
You've written tons of lame chick songs, but no one's ever heard them.
I'm just - perfecting each one.
- No.
You're stalling 'cause you're afraid of what people might think of you.
I, on the other hand, don't think at all.
It's true he does not think.
Just because you like Beastie Boys doesn't mean you can be them.
They're three awesome musicians, and you're two clueless idiots.
You're right.
We need a third.
I feel like I could say anything, and you would just do whatever you want.
She's right! We should hold auditions! Ungh.
Check it.
One, two.
Two, one.
Three, two, one One, two, three Three, two, one Ah, wait.
I messed up.
Can I start over, guys? Before you say yes, I have a list of 200 demands.
My rhymes are hotter than a candle's wick Call a doctor 'cause my flow is sick The ladies say rob's gonna make it 'Cause when I rock the mike, I get buck naked Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Is there any way naked rob can rap without getting naked? Nudity, or I walk.
Yeah, no, okay.
I I You guys, I thought I could do this to impress Erica, but I just I can't.
I I get wicked stage fright.
- You're in.
- What?! Dude! you look just like Ad-Rock.
The resemblance is uncanny.
Oh, my god.
It really is, bro.
Does Ad-Rock break into hives onstage? Oh, no.
The room is spinning.
I'm going down.
He said yes! The Tasty Boys are in! While my brother and I had assembled our new group, my dad had come home to his old habits.
Oh, look at that.
My creature of habit dropped his pants at the do.
What a surprise.
- Damn it, I just got home! - "Damn it, I just got home!" See? I knew that was gonna be your reaction.
- Stop aggravating me.
- "Stop aggravating me.
" - Drop it already! - "Drop it already!" - Gah! - "Gah"! If you do just one of the things on my list I've been begging you to do for ages, I'll forget all about the kitchen.
"Wear a turtleneck.
" No.
"Couples massage.
" No.
"Floss.
" No one does that.
"Yoga"?! Never.
"Picnic.
" Pass.
"Boxer shorts"? How dare you? This is the worst list ever made.
- I hate this list.
- Just pick one.
Fine.
"Jean dungarees.
" I'll wear your damn Jean dungarees.
For the first time ever, my Dad wore a pair of jeans to prove to my mom he could be flexible.
Unfortunately, he could barely move.
I like them.
Well, tell me what exactly you like about them, huh? Be specific.
Well, I like that there's one leg for each of my legs.
I love the stiff, unforgiving fabric.
Nope! I can't sit in them! They chafe, Bevy! They chafe! My god, you can't even wear a new pair of pants for 30 seconds? Fine.
I'm a creature of habit.
And you're still not getting that new kitchen.
Well, I don't need you to give it for me to get it.
I can get it without you giving it.
- I don't get it.
- I'm gonna build it myself.
Wait! I can't move! Take them off! While my mom was on a mission, Barry made a precise game plan on how we'd become rap stars.
Okay! First up, we need a fly style to set us apart from the pack.
Run-D.
M.
C.
has Adidas.
Public Enemy wears clocks.
The Fat Boys have obesity.
I got it! we each dress like a Fraggle.
You be Boober.
Geoff is Wembley.
I'll be a Doozer.
No.
A Gorg.
No! Doozer! You're mispronouncing "dork" and "loser.
" - Next.
- Oh, I know.
What if we dress like things that Erica likes? I could go into her room, poke around, see what makes her tick.
No, no.
That's weird.
You're both weird.
I know exactly the style we're gonna rock.
Boom! Now, this is a look.
But aren't we just dressed exactly like Beastie Boys? No.
Mike D wears Volkswagen.
I'm wearing Station Wagon.
MCA wears a leather jacket.
Yours is pleather.
Ad-Rock wears a Stuyvesant phys.
-ed shirt.
Yours is from Jenkintown Elementary.
- Nice.
- Super-different.
Now that we're rocking our look, there's only one thing left.
Entourage? You can massage our shoulders, polish our gold, lie to our wives, and romance second-tier groupies not hot enough for us.
We're in.
Picking up the crumbs! Everything was in place.
And even though the Tasty Boys didn't have any actual songs, the next logical step was to shoot an album cover.
Hey.
It's the Pasty Boys.
What are you wannabes doing? Just locking down our album cover.
Without writing any songs? Songs.
We got that covered.
Actually, she's right.
We haven't, like, written anything.
Hello?! Ever hear of Eric B.
& Rakim? We're just like them! We don't write.
We feel the beat, let it flow, freestyle.
Wait.
Like make it up as we go? That seems hard.
Is it? Good afternoon, my name is Barry I came to get down, and my rhymes are scary - Boom! - Oh! Oh! - Whoo! - He just rhymed "Barry" with "scary"! All you're gonna do is embarrass yourselves.
Erica, we're not like you.
We don't live in fear.
Okay.
You're delusional.
You can't have an album without songs.
And you can't be superstars without ever performing a concert.
She's right.
We need a gig.
Huge one! Okay, not what I meant.
Entourage You run west.
You run east.
Spread the word that the Tasty Boys are coming.
All right.
The hype machine begins.
Even though my dad was scared of change, my mom decided to change the entire kitchen.
What are you doing? Oh, since you won't build my dream kitchen, I'm gonna build it myself.
You were serious about that? You call a hammer a "poundy thingy.
" Well, now I don't need your help, because now I have someone on my side who loves change Bob Vila from "This Old House.
" Ha! That's right.
In the '80s, Bob Vila was the original voice D.
I.
Y.
home improvement.
Fine.
Go ahead.
But I'm not gonna clean up your mess.
Shows what you know! With Bob Vila on my side, I can build anything! Unfortunately, my mom didn't build a new kitchen.
She just destroyed the old one, down to the very last cupboard.
What the hell happened? I wrecked the kitchen.
Now I have no place to cook.
We're gonna have to order Italian takeout, like a bunch of hobos.
That Bob Vila is a real piece of work building us up, making us think we could lay tile.
We can't lay tile.
I'll call Bill, and we'll fix this.
Oh, you would do that for me? Oh, thank you, honey.
You're the best.
Where did all the tears go? What's happening? What's happening is, I ruined the kitchen on purpose.
No.
You wouldn't.
I mean, you would.
I know he'll be happier when it's all said and done.
I mean, sometimes creatures of habit just need a tiny bit of nudging.
While my mom was planning the perfect place to eat, we had the school eating from the palm of our hands.
Oh, my god! You're playing the pep rally? This is so out of hand.
No, the Tasty Boys are the real deal.
I heard after the pep rally, they're playing Live Aid.
I heard Capitol Records gave them each a Porsche as a signing bonus.
Plus, they're bonkers hot.
No.
None of that is true.
You're not true.
Oh, my god, here they come! Whoa, whoa, whoa, miss.
This is a V.
I.
P.
area.
It's okay.
She's a groupie.
I am not just let me through.
This is crazy.
Why does everyone think you guys are an actual group with a record deal? 'Cause we told them! Isn't that genius? It's called hype.
No, it's called lying.
Oh.
I see what this is.
You're just mad 'cause we're getting all the attention.
Kind of seems like someone's jealous.
Oh, my god, you are insane.
I'm annoyed.
I'm not jealous.
I'm so jealous! Well, you should be.
I heard they're teaming up with Eric B.
& Rakim for their next record.
What? The hype has reached you, too? Who told you? I heard it from Naked Rob.
Dear god.
I've been working on my music my whole life, and just watch those idiots are gonna get famous.
Honey, just focus on your own music.
That's what matters.
Now come on.
Show me what you got.
I'd love to, but I have a scratchy throat.
And Lucky ate my music.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Come on.
It's Pops, your biggest fan! Play me something.
Okay.
Now, you need to keep in mind - that these songs are still a work in progress.
- Gotcha.
- And the lyrics kind of suck.
- Okay.
- And I hate the way I sound.
- Maybe no intro.
There's a voice inside my Nope, I'm sorry.
I can't do it.
I'm just not ready.
Got to go.
Bye-bye.
Bev, I can't wait to see your new kitchen.
Oh, the boys have been working hard all weekend.
How's it looking, Bill? I called in a bunch of favors.
Anything for my best bud's lady.
Enjoy your perfect kitchen.
You bastards! It's exactly the same! I'm a good reader of people, and you don't seem pleased.
You did this just to spite me.
Because you manipulated me.
You think I don't know that you wrecked the kitchen on purpose? Fine.
You want to play it that way? Stop it! That's liquid gold you're throwing away! So, we're gonna go now.
No, no.
You helped him.
now you're gonna help me.
- No, I I'd like to.
I'm not gonna do this - No.
- Pour it out, Bill! - No.
- No, I'm not - Pour it out.
- Go.
Pour it out.
- No.
- No.
- I'm not gonna pour it out.
- Do it.
Yes, you are.
- No.
- I I'm not the one - Stop pouring.
Pour it all the way out.
No, no, no, no, no! - You pour it out.
- No, no! - I don't want to pour it.
- Stop pouring! - What are you doing?! - I don't know.
I'm so confused.
I just want to go home.
Bevy, stop taking this out on my old Coke.
Just admit that you manipulated me.
Of course I did! Do you know how hard it is to live with someone who refuses to change? I thought for once you could compromise, but no.
You only care about yourself.
Even though my dad won, it sure didn't feel like it.
Meanwhile, the Tasty Boys were about to conquer.
Everyone huddle up.
We need to drink this in.
This is our last moment of anonymity.
After today, we're gonna be mobbed everywhere we go.
You know, I'm gonna miss this.
There's a peace to it.
Um, maybe now's a good time to rehearse Since we, like, never have? Good idea.
Let's get loose.
Li'l Yum Yum, kick it.
Robot, gobot, lobot, too He's from "Star Wars," doopie-doo Oh, my god.
Everyone always said I was a nerd, but I never really heard it until now.
All right, relax.
Watch and learn.
Good afternoon, my name is Barry I came to get down, and my rhymes are scary Dude, that that's not freestyle.
You say that every time.
All right, just give me a sec.
Good afternoon, my name is Barry I came to get down, and my rhymes are Oh [Bleep.]
.
Seeing how disappointed my mom was with her old kitchen, my dad finally decided to try a few new things.
Hey! Come on down and cop a squat.
Let's eat without back support.
What is this? What are you doing? I'm just trying out all the new things you wanted.
We got a picnic, a long-neck shirt thingy.
And I'm sitting, which counts as yoga.
Stop.
Get up.
I can't do that.
- Just get up.
- I can't.
Just stand up like a normal human being.
- Come on.
- Ow.
I'll try.
Ow.
Damn it, that's it.
I'm a floor person now.
Are you crazy? Why would you sit on the floor? Because I felt bad about what happened.
It's all right.
I'll I'll be fine without a new kitchen.
You've got to understand just because I don't like things to change doesn't mean you don't matter to me.
I never thought I'd be happy.
But you built this life for us, and I love it just the way it is.
Ah, Mur.
But if it means that much to you, maybe I can change the kitchen.
I'll get the tools! And the little poundy thingy! Wait! Don't leave me down here! Tasty Boys! Tasty Boys! We were at minute 10 of stalling, and the crowd wasn't giving up.
Why won't they stop chanting? Making the fans wait is a classic hype move.
The hype has backfired! What's the holdup, guys? The monster you created is waiting to eat you alive.
I I can't do this.
Erica, look away! Geoff, no! Man, he's, like, really fast.
Our supergroup is falling apart.
What do we do? I don't know! Erica was right.
I should have just kept my stupid dreams to myself and stayed in my room so no one would ever chant my name.
In that moment, Erica realized something.
No.
As clueless as Barry was, he was still smart to put himself out there.
Everyone's chanting your name.
You can't just give that up now.
We have no music.
We got nothing.
You still got Beastie Boys.
But we lost our Ad-Rock.
Well, you've got me.
Turns out forming a rap supergroup is, like, way harder than it looks, which is why we decided to leave it to the people who did it best.
Mike D yeah With your bad self, running things what's up? With your bad breath, onion rings Well, I'm Mike D, and I'm back from the dead Chillin' at the beach down at Club Med Make another record 'Cause the people, they want more of this Suckers, they be saying they can take out Adam Horovitz Hurricane You got clout Other deejays, he'll put your head out Patty Duke the wrench And then I bust the tango Got more rhymes than Jamaica got Mango Kangols I got the peg leg at the end of my stump Shake your rump Full clout, y'all Full clout, y'all And when the mike is in my mouth I turn it out, y'all Full clout never been dumped 'cause I'm the most mackinest Never been jumped 'Cause I'm known the most packinest Yeah, we got beef, chief We're knocking out teeth, chief And if you don't believe us You should question your belief Like Sam the butcher Sure, the change was small, but it was big for my dad It's beautiful.
How about a new Coke to celebrate? Because trying new things is hard.
It could leave a bad taste in your mouth.
- Why?! - No! - Why would they do this?! - Oh! Stop this! Stop this! Running from the law, the press, and the parents Is your name Michael Diamond? No, mine's Clarence.
From downtown Manhattan The Village My style is wild, and you know that it still is Disco bag schlepping, and you're doing the bump Shake your rump Whoa Truth is, we could never be as great as our heroes.
Sure, we grow up wanting to be just like them, 'cause we dare to dream.
Whoa.
No, no! Hey! But for one moment, everyone in that gym didn't see us as kids.
They believed in us.
They believed in the Tasty Boys.
And we were legends.
Whoa Shake your rump Yo, Erica! I've been practicing my freestyle.
- Want to hear it? - So, what? You spent all weekend writing a rap, and now you're trying to make me think that you're making it up on the spot? No.
It's off the top of my head.
- Check it.
- No, no, no, no.
If this is freestyle, I pick the topic.
Bicycles.
Got it.
This rap's dedicated to all the big-booty Bicycles.
My name's Big Tasty, and my rhymes are shady Come back to my crib and be my bicycle 'Cause one hot bicycle can't hold me down I got to have bicycles in every town Bicycle, bicycle, I can't disguise I love your neck, and I love your w wheels What? You know you're fooling no one, right? You just don't understand hip-hop.
That is, until we heard a group that would change our lives forever.
Ell, I'm Mike D, and I'm back from the dead Chillin' at the beach down at Club Med The Beastie Boys.
To us, they weren't just a rap group.
They were a way of life.
We copied their videos and memorized every single lyric.
Simply put, they were a game-changer.
I'm telling you, dude, if Mike D met us, - he would be like, "We should be best friends.
" - For sure! We're practically related They rap, they party hard, and they're in the tribe.
All three of them! What are the chances? Wait a minute.
Do you realize what this means? If the Beasties can make it, so can we.
Answer me this Do we not have a license to ill? Dude, you spelled "license" wrong.
Don't pass this offer up, Ad-Rock.
I think you have what it takes to join my Beastie-boys-inspired supergroup The Tasty Boys.
Could we give it five more minutes on the name? No! The name has stuck.
You'd really let me into your rap supergroup? Of course.
Your weird voice sounds like you have a young man and an old woman stuck in your body, so I'll clearly be the breakout star.
I accept! Ill.
We are so ill.
Who's ill? Oh, my god, get to bed.
No one's going to school today.
- But - Ba-ba-ba! We're both ill and sick.
I guess the only thing I can do is wait on you hand and foot in front of the TV.
Come on.
Yeah.
Being a rap star is awesome! It was January 6, 1980-something The fateful day my mom - first laid eyes on our neighbors' new kitchen.
- Ta-da! Everything was brand-new.
It was an '80s architectural masterpiece of formica and every shade of brown.
Is that a Lazy Susan? It is! Is this almond-colored? It's beautiful.
Like dirty snow.
This linoleum it looks like real tile.
Oh, it spins around! Look! The cinnamon was in the back, and now it's in the front! And the best part Charles did the whole thing himself, and it cost half the price.
- Get out.
- I swear.
No, get out of my way.
Move your body.
I must speak to Murray now.
Wha We're getting a new kitchen.
What's wrong with the old kitchen? You just said it it's old.
It doesn't have what I need in a kitchen.
Hello, Bill.
All you need in the kitchen is food and forks and maybe a cup or two.
Also, you'd be surprised how often you use a juicer.
Then it's settled.
We're gonna get a juicer.
Damn it, Bevy, you win again.
I mean it.
We need to renovate.
This thing should be in a museum a museum of ugly refrigerators.
Blech! And look at this floor.
No, don't.
It'll give you a seizure.
And what about these Lazy-Susan-less cabinets? I've got to move the other spices out of the way like a wild animal.
Like, "oh, here's the tarragon.
" Oh.
And now I'm stressed out.
She did make a mess.
Bevy, I'd love to give you a new kitchen, but it would cost a fortune.
And the materials alone I'm a tile man.
I'll hook you up for free.
Yeah, but the labor.
I'll install it myself.
Bill, read the room.
I see what this is about.
You don't want this 'cause you're afraid of change.
What are you talking about? You're a creature of habit.
For the last 10 years, you've had the same job, same car, same clothes.
Just because I like things a certain way doesn't mean I'm a creature of habit.
Then how do you explain this? Back in the '80s, Coca-Cola announced new Coke, which sent their old-school customers into a tailspin.
The second you find out that Coke is changing their recipe, you start to stockpile.
What kind of person is afraid of new Coke? It's nuts.
I'm not afraid.
I just like the old-timey original kind.
Okay, see? You're just proving my point.
Bevy, I try new stuff like that big pink orange I ate that one time.
- The grapefruit? - Yeah.
Never again.
The point is, I love change.
Well, there's gonna be some big changes around here.
Big changes! As my mom was laying down the law, Barry was laying down some tracks.
Good afternoon, my name is Barry I came to get down, and my rhymes are scary You morons! I told you to stop going in my room and stealing my old glasses.
But we need them to get the cool fisheye-lens effect.
Your jacked-up eyeballs are our hip-hop supergroup's game.
I'm sorry.
Supergroup? You may play the guitar and sing like an angel, but I'm the real musician in the family.
I'm just happy he's including me.
Like DJ Jazzy Jeff.
Dude, you're not a real musician.
You can't sing or read music or play an instrument, unlike me, who can do all of it.
Hiding in your bedroom.
You've written tons of lame chick songs, but no one's ever heard them.
I'm just - perfecting each one.
- No.
You're stalling 'cause you're afraid of what people might think of you.
I, on the other hand, don't think at all.
It's true he does not think.
Just because you like Beastie Boys doesn't mean you can be them.
They're three awesome musicians, and you're two clueless idiots.
You're right.
We need a third.
I feel like I could say anything, and you would just do whatever you want.
She's right! We should hold auditions! Ungh.
Check it.
One, two.
Two, one.
Three, two, one One, two, three Three, two, one Ah, wait.
I messed up.
Can I start over, guys? Before you say yes, I have a list of 200 demands.
My rhymes are hotter than a candle's wick Call a doctor 'cause my flow is sick The ladies say rob's gonna make it 'Cause when I rock the mike, I get buck naked Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Is there any way naked rob can rap without getting naked? Nudity, or I walk.
Yeah, no, okay.
I I You guys, I thought I could do this to impress Erica, but I just I can't.
I I get wicked stage fright.
- You're in.
- What?! Dude! you look just like Ad-Rock.
The resemblance is uncanny.
Oh, my god.
It really is, bro.
Does Ad-Rock break into hives onstage? Oh, no.
The room is spinning.
I'm going down.
He said yes! The Tasty Boys are in! While my brother and I had assembled our new group, my dad had come home to his old habits.
Oh, look at that.
My creature of habit dropped his pants at the do.
What a surprise.
- Damn it, I just got home! - "Damn it, I just got home!" See? I knew that was gonna be your reaction.
- Stop aggravating me.
- "Stop aggravating me.
" - Drop it already! - "Drop it already!" - Gah! - "Gah"! If you do just one of the things on my list I've been begging you to do for ages, I'll forget all about the kitchen.
"Wear a turtleneck.
" No.
"Couples massage.
" No.
"Floss.
" No one does that.
"Yoga"?! Never.
"Picnic.
" Pass.
"Boxer shorts"? How dare you? This is the worst list ever made.
- I hate this list.
- Just pick one.
Fine.
"Jean dungarees.
" I'll wear your damn Jean dungarees.
For the first time ever, my Dad wore a pair of jeans to prove to my mom he could be flexible.
Unfortunately, he could barely move.
I like them.
Well, tell me what exactly you like about them, huh? Be specific.
Well, I like that there's one leg for each of my legs.
I love the stiff, unforgiving fabric.
Nope! I can't sit in them! They chafe, Bevy! They chafe! My god, you can't even wear a new pair of pants for 30 seconds? Fine.
I'm a creature of habit.
And you're still not getting that new kitchen.
Well, I don't need you to give it for me to get it.
I can get it without you giving it.
- I don't get it.
- I'm gonna build it myself.
Wait! I can't move! Take them off! While my mom was on a mission, Barry made a precise game plan on how we'd become rap stars.
Okay! First up, we need a fly style to set us apart from the pack.
Run-D.
M.
C.
has Adidas.
Public Enemy wears clocks.
The Fat Boys have obesity.
I got it! we each dress like a Fraggle.
You be Boober.
Geoff is Wembley.
I'll be a Doozer.
No.
A Gorg.
No! Doozer! You're mispronouncing "dork" and "loser.
" - Next.
- Oh, I know.
What if we dress like things that Erica likes? I could go into her room, poke around, see what makes her tick.
No, no.
That's weird.
You're both weird.
I know exactly the style we're gonna rock.
Boom! Now, this is a look.
But aren't we just dressed exactly like Beastie Boys? No.
Mike D wears Volkswagen.
I'm wearing Station Wagon.
MCA wears a leather jacket.
Yours is pleather.
Ad-Rock wears a Stuyvesant phys.
-ed shirt.
Yours is from Jenkintown Elementary.
- Nice.
- Super-different.
Now that we're rocking our look, there's only one thing left.
Entourage? You can massage our shoulders, polish our gold, lie to our wives, and romance second-tier groupies not hot enough for us.
We're in.
Picking up the crumbs! Everything was in place.
And even though the Tasty Boys didn't have any actual songs, the next logical step was to shoot an album cover.
Hey.
It's the Pasty Boys.
What are you wannabes doing? Just locking down our album cover.
Without writing any songs? Songs.
We got that covered.
Actually, she's right.
We haven't, like, written anything.
Hello?! Ever hear of Eric B.
& Rakim? We're just like them! We don't write.
We feel the beat, let it flow, freestyle.
Wait.
Like make it up as we go? That seems hard.
Is it? Good afternoon, my name is Barry I came to get down, and my rhymes are scary - Boom! - Oh! Oh! - Whoo! - He just rhymed "Barry" with "scary"! All you're gonna do is embarrass yourselves.
Erica, we're not like you.
We don't live in fear.
Okay.
You're delusional.
You can't have an album without songs.
And you can't be superstars without ever performing a concert.
She's right.
We need a gig.
Huge one! Okay, not what I meant.
Entourage You run west.
You run east.
Spread the word that the Tasty Boys are coming.
All right.
The hype machine begins.
Even though my dad was scared of change, my mom decided to change the entire kitchen.
What are you doing? Oh, since you won't build my dream kitchen, I'm gonna build it myself.
You were serious about that? You call a hammer a "poundy thingy.
" Well, now I don't need your help, because now I have someone on my side who loves change Bob Vila from "This Old House.
" Ha! That's right.
In the '80s, Bob Vila was the original voice D.
I.
Y.
home improvement.
Fine.
Go ahead.
But I'm not gonna clean up your mess.
Shows what you know! With Bob Vila on my side, I can build anything! Unfortunately, my mom didn't build a new kitchen.
She just destroyed the old one, down to the very last cupboard.
What the hell happened? I wrecked the kitchen.
Now I have no place to cook.
We're gonna have to order Italian takeout, like a bunch of hobos.
That Bob Vila is a real piece of work building us up, making us think we could lay tile.
We can't lay tile.
I'll call Bill, and we'll fix this.
Oh, you would do that for me? Oh, thank you, honey.
You're the best.
Where did all the tears go? What's happening? What's happening is, I ruined the kitchen on purpose.
No.
You wouldn't.
I mean, you would.
I know he'll be happier when it's all said and done.
I mean, sometimes creatures of habit just need a tiny bit of nudging.
While my mom was planning the perfect place to eat, we had the school eating from the palm of our hands.
Oh, my god! You're playing the pep rally? This is so out of hand.
No, the Tasty Boys are the real deal.
I heard after the pep rally, they're playing Live Aid.
I heard Capitol Records gave them each a Porsche as a signing bonus.
Plus, they're bonkers hot.
No.
None of that is true.
You're not true.
Oh, my god, here they come! Whoa, whoa, whoa, miss.
This is a V.
I.
P.
area.
It's okay.
She's a groupie.
I am not just let me through.
This is crazy.
Why does everyone think you guys are an actual group with a record deal? 'Cause we told them! Isn't that genius? It's called hype.
No, it's called lying.
Oh.
I see what this is.
You're just mad 'cause we're getting all the attention.
Kind of seems like someone's jealous.
Oh, my god, you are insane.
I'm annoyed.
I'm not jealous.
I'm so jealous! Well, you should be.
I heard they're teaming up with Eric B.
& Rakim for their next record.
What? The hype has reached you, too? Who told you? I heard it from Naked Rob.
Dear god.
I've been working on my music my whole life, and just watch those idiots are gonna get famous.
Honey, just focus on your own music.
That's what matters.
Now come on.
Show me what you got.
I'd love to, but I have a scratchy throat.
And Lucky ate my music.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Come on.
It's Pops, your biggest fan! Play me something.
Okay.
Now, you need to keep in mind - that these songs are still a work in progress.
- Gotcha.
- And the lyrics kind of suck.
- Okay.
- And I hate the way I sound.
- Maybe no intro.
There's a voice inside my Nope, I'm sorry.
I can't do it.
I'm just not ready.
Got to go.
Bye-bye.
Bev, I can't wait to see your new kitchen.
Oh, the boys have been working hard all weekend.
How's it looking, Bill? I called in a bunch of favors.
Anything for my best bud's lady.
Enjoy your perfect kitchen.
You bastards! It's exactly the same! I'm a good reader of people, and you don't seem pleased.
You did this just to spite me.
Because you manipulated me.
You think I don't know that you wrecked the kitchen on purpose? Fine.
You want to play it that way? Stop it! That's liquid gold you're throwing away! So, we're gonna go now.
No, no.
You helped him.
now you're gonna help me.
- No, I I'd like to.
I'm not gonna do this - No.
- Pour it out, Bill! - No.
- No, I'm not - Pour it out.
- Go.
Pour it out.
- No.
- No.
- I'm not gonna pour it out.
- Do it.
Yes, you are.
- No.
- I I'm not the one - Stop pouring.
Pour it all the way out.
No, no, no, no, no! - You pour it out.
- No, no! - I don't want to pour it.
- Stop pouring! - What are you doing?! - I don't know.
I'm so confused.
I just want to go home.
Bevy, stop taking this out on my old Coke.
Just admit that you manipulated me.
Of course I did! Do you know how hard it is to live with someone who refuses to change? I thought for once you could compromise, but no.
You only care about yourself.
Even though my dad won, it sure didn't feel like it.
Meanwhile, the Tasty Boys were about to conquer.
Everyone huddle up.
We need to drink this in.
This is our last moment of anonymity.
After today, we're gonna be mobbed everywhere we go.
You know, I'm gonna miss this.
There's a peace to it.
Um, maybe now's a good time to rehearse Since we, like, never have? Good idea.
Let's get loose.
Li'l Yum Yum, kick it.
Robot, gobot, lobot, too He's from "Star Wars," doopie-doo Oh, my god.
Everyone always said I was a nerd, but I never really heard it until now.
All right, relax.
Watch and learn.
Good afternoon, my name is Barry I came to get down, and my rhymes are scary Dude, that that's not freestyle.
You say that every time.
All right, just give me a sec.
Good afternoon, my name is Barry I came to get down, and my rhymes are Oh [Bleep.]
.
Seeing how disappointed my mom was with her old kitchen, my dad finally decided to try a few new things.
Hey! Come on down and cop a squat.
Let's eat without back support.
What is this? What are you doing? I'm just trying out all the new things you wanted.
We got a picnic, a long-neck shirt thingy.
And I'm sitting, which counts as yoga.
Stop.
Get up.
I can't do that.
- Just get up.
- I can't.
Just stand up like a normal human being.
- Come on.
- Ow.
I'll try.
Ow.
Damn it, that's it.
I'm a floor person now.
Are you crazy? Why would you sit on the floor? Because I felt bad about what happened.
It's all right.
I'll I'll be fine without a new kitchen.
You've got to understand just because I don't like things to change doesn't mean you don't matter to me.
I never thought I'd be happy.
But you built this life for us, and I love it just the way it is.
Ah, Mur.
But if it means that much to you, maybe I can change the kitchen.
I'll get the tools! And the little poundy thingy! Wait! Don't leave me down here! Tasty Boys! Tasty Boys! We were at minute 10 of stalling, and the crowd wasn't giving up.
Why won't they stop chanting? Making the fans wait is a classic hype move.
The hype has backfired! What's the holdup, guys? The monster you created is waiting to eat you alive.
I I can't do this.
Erica, look away! Geoff, no! Man, he's, like, really fast.
Our supergroup is falling apart.
What do we do? I don't know! Erica was right.
I should have just kept my stupid dreams to myself and stayed in my room so no one would ever chant my name.
In that moment, Erica realized something.
No.
As clueless as Barry was, he was still smart to put himself out there.
Everyone's chanting your name.
You can't just give that up now.
We have no music.
We got nothing.
You still got Beastie Boys.
But we lost our Ad-Rock.
Well, you've got me.
Turns out forming a rap supergroup is, like, way harder than it looks, which is why we decided to leave it to the people who did it best.
Mike D yeah With your bad self, running things what's up? With your bad breath, onion rings Well, I'm Mike D, and I'm back from the dead Chillin' at the beach down at Club Med Make another record 'Cause the people, they want more of this Suckers, they be saying they can take out Adam Horovitz Hurricane You got clout Other deejays, he'll put your head out Patty Duke the wrench And then I bust the tango Got more rhymes than Jamaica got Mango Kangols I got the peg leg at the end of my stump Shake your rump Full clout, y'all Full clout, y'all And when the mike is in my mouth I turn it out, y'all Full clout never been dumped 'cause I'm the most mackinest Never been jumped 'Cause I'm known the most packinest Yeah, we got beef, chief We're knocking out teeth, chief And if you don't believe us You should question your belief Like Sam the butcher Sure, the change was small, but it was big for my dad It's beautiful.
How about a new Coke to celebrate? Because trying new things is hard.
It could leave a bad taste in your mouth.
- Why?! - No! - Why would they do this?! - Oh! Stop this! Stop this! Running from the law, the press, and the parents Is your name Michael Diamond? No, mine's Clarence.
From downtown Manhattan The Village My style is wild, and you know that it still is Disco bag schlepping, and you're doing the bump Shake your rump Whoa Truth is, we could never be as great as our heroes.
Sure, we grow up wanting to be just like them, 'cause we dare to dream.
Whoa.
No, no! Hey! But for one moment, everyone in that gym didn't see us as kids.
They believed in us.
They believed in the Tasty Boys.
And we were legends.
Whoa Shake your rump Yo, Erica! I've been practicing my freestyle.
- Want to hear it? - So, what? You spent all weekend writing a rap, and now you're trying to make me think that you're making it up on the spot? No.
It's off the top of my head.
- Check it.
- No, no, no, no.
If this is freestyle, I pick the topic.
Bicycles.
Got it.
This rap's dedicated to all the big-booty Bicycles.
My name's Big Tasty, and my rhymes are shady Come back to my crib and be my bicycle 'Cause one hot bicycle can't hold me down I got to have bicycles in every town Bicycle, bicycle, I can't disguise I love your neck, and I love your w wheels What? You know you're fooling no one, right? You just don't understand hip-hop.