The Goldbergs s03e16 Episode Script

Edward 'Eddie the Eagle' Edwards

1 Adult Adam: My brother Barry was the world champion of the Goldberg house.
Athletics flowed through his veins.
Sports! Yep, in our family, Barry was the undisputed jock, mainly 'cause I never disputed it.
Swish, baby! Holy balls! It only took 173 tries! It took Dr.
J 200 times.
Don't look it up.
Just take my words as fact.
Calling my shot.
Right-field bleachers.
Give it to me, Adam.
Come on, baby! He had it all strength, passion, and delusion.
Yes! Left field, which is your right, so it still counts! Dude, how do the Phillies not recruit you right now, fresh out of high school? That's what I ask when I call them! Truth was, I may have been a tad responsible for over-inflating his ego.
Tonight, we celebrate excellence on and off the field.
I give you the William Penn academy athlete of the year.
Not only is this student a gifted sportsman, but he's a born leader, and, damn it, I'd follow him anywhere.
Snap some photos after he calls my name.
Of course, you all know who I'm talking about Rubén Amaro, Junior.
Boom! Yes! Yes! [Exhaling sharply.]
Yes! Student athletes, parents, faculty, and distinguished guests, I am privileged and honored to accept this award.
Goldberg, what the hell are you doing? I said Rubén Amaro, Junior.
What? How is that even possible? Well, he's an athletic superstar, and you are our mascot.
Now put on the giant head and dance for our champ.
This is bullcrap.
What does Rubén Amaro, Jr.
have that I don't? Um, four-year varsity Letterman in baseball, the home-run record, and I'm pretty sure he's got a full scholarship to Stanford.
Anyone could play baseball.
I play wiffle.
Yes, the only sport where the equipment is sold in a pharmacy.
Well, at the very least, Coach should recognize my insane hoop skills.
Sweetie, you're not even on the basketball team.
'Cause I play street ball.
My flash and pizzazz can't be contained in a gymnasium.
And don't get me started on my boomerang skills.
I won't.
I'd like to see Rubén Amaro, Jr.
Chuck a 'rang.
Stupid, selfish showboat.
This night was supposed to be about Barry Goldberg.
I don't think it was.
But hey, you'll always be my champion.
That's just worthless.
But thank you.
Barry's dream of becoming an athletic superstar was at an all-time low, but that all changed when he watched the biggest underdog story in Olympic history on the news The story of Eddie The Eagle.
Look at him go, Lucky.
A week ago, nobody knew who this guy was.
But today, he's a legend.
A legend that would inspire my brother on his path to greatness.
Is that guy wearing his glasses under his ski goggles? That's Eddie The Eagle.
He's an actual Olympic athlete.
How? He looks like a guy that works at the post office.
He's the only dude from England to do ski-jumping.
[Vangelis' "Chariots Of Fire" plays.]
This nobody just walked right into Olympic glory.
This changes everything.
You're right! I'm gonna be a champion! Olympics, here I come, baby! Watch out.
Champi [Music stops.]
God, those are steep.
Champion! I'm twisted up inside but nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future but the past keeps getting clearer every day It was February 24, 1980-something, and my Dad was doing what he did best saving money.
Which one of you morons cranked up the heat to 55? How is that cranked up? I'm wearing my Spider-man long underwear, which, yes, feels like a fun little secret, but it shouldn't be necessary in the house.
He's right, Mur.
It's freezing in here.
At least start a fire.
Are you nuts? You think firewood grows on trees? Yes, that's what trees are Wood.
Well, keep your hands off.
And turn off the damn lights! We don't support the electric company.
Hey, we're still in here.
It's after 6:00! Go to bed! My dad had always been frugal, but lately, he was getting worse.
Murray: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's two whole ounces of milk right there.
Pour it back.
But it's blue from all the boo Berry.
Berries are healthy.
Pour it back.
Even his co-workers at the furniture store were feeling the squeeze.
Picking up or dropping Oh, god, it's you! Hello? Vic? We're closed.
Come back later.
Vic, I see you.
What are you doing in a photo shack? Murray kind of cut back my hours.
Oh, no.
Is it 'cause you're so terrible at selling furniture? No.
Wait, does Murray say that? Are things not going well at the store? Oh, well, you know the furniture game.
It's But, no, they're not.
- What? - But do me a favor.
Don't tell Murray you heard it from me, okay? Of course, Vic.
I permiss.
Did you just say "permiss"? No, I said "I pormiss.
" Por por I pormiss.
- Wait, what? - Got to go! [Tires screech.]
My mom wasn't one to break a promise.
A "pormiss" was a different story.
Hey! Bevy! What a fun surprise! Yeah.
Just came to see the big guy in action.
So, how's it going? Hoo-hoo! Been slammed.
Slammed, huh? Must have missed the rush.
Well, you know, it comes in waves.
As a matter of fact, I should get back to work.
Oh, so, so busy.
Sold two of these.
This baby gone.
Sold it.
Shouldn't have been sitting in it.
And you're not gonna believe this.
Somebody bought a register! Ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching! Look at us! As my dad was hiding his troubles from my mom, Barry was unleashing his inner champion.
What's with the board, douche lords? Just deciding which Olympic sport will make Barry a national hero.
Deal with it! Okay, stop.
You're not Eddie The Eagle, and you're never gonna win at Curling? What the hell is that? Isn't it genius? No one knows.
It's a sport where you sweep a rock across a sheet of ice.
It takes incredible focus and patience.
Moving on.
How about dressage? Yes! I'll win the gold at whatever that is! It's an equestrian event, which is the elegant art of horse dancing.
I told you, bro! I will never dance with a horse! Never! What is your deal with horses? They know what they did.
You're right.
Moving on.
Rhythmic gymnastics.
Oh, you mean ribbon dancing? Yes, please do that.
I beg you.
I sense your mocking tone.
You know who else got mocked? Edward "Eddie The Eagle" Edwards.
His name is Edward Edwards? Look, I don't know all the details.
I'm just basing my life on him.
In that case, let's get you a ribbon.
It's everything I thought it would be and more.
The ribbon just takes me where it wants.
Look at him go.
Not part of the routine.
Help me! Don't worry.
We'll find a sport for you.
How are you with skiing and guns? Never done it, but I'm awesome at it.
Just stop.
Admit it.
The only sport you're good at is that stupid brother game you invented to beat the crap out of each other.
Both: Ball-ball! - Ball-ball! - One awesome thing about having an older brother was the sports we'd make up.
Racquet round! The rules were endless and complicated Sleep! But no matter what, you had to yell Ball-ball! Yes! Dude, you're unbeatable! This is the answer, Erica! If I get ball-ball into the Olympics, you'll know I'll bring home the gold.
Giant problem some dumbass game you play in the basement will never be an Olympic sport.
That's what they said about soccer.
He's right.
I heard that.
No, you didn't.
I didn't, but he said it with such confidence I agree.
We will rule the world! Ugh! While my brother had found his road to gold, my mother was worried my dad was on the road to ruin.
You should have seen the store, Dad.
Completely abandoned.
I just don't understand why he won't ask me for help.
This is how Murray's dad raised him.
Be proud.
Don't ask for a hand-out.
Solve it yourself.
Well, you raised me to offer support and guidance and strong-arm anyone into doing exactly what I want.
That's what you thought I meant when I said, "follow your dreams"? Yes.
My dad was too proud to ask for help, so my mom decided to force it on him.
Bevy! Hello, Murray.
I see you found the solution to all your problems.
What am I looking at? I'm confused and angry.
It's a fa-ton.
A what? A fa-ton.
- Fa-ton? - Fa-ton.
- Fa-ton.
- Fa-ton?! - Fa-ton.
- A what? - Fa-ton.
- It's Japanese.
It's a couch but also A bed! It's the origami of furniture.
What is it doing in the only room in the world that I like? Murray, I know about the furniture store.
I saw Vic in that tiny little photo house.
It was sad.
Look, I don't need anyone's help.
And I definitely don't need a fa-ton.
Just one [Bleep.]
No fa-tons.
As my dad was refusing help to sell furniture, Barry was hoping to sell ball-ball to the masses.
Friends, JTP - Together: JTP! - Girlfriend ponytail burnouts.
- Sup? - I've gathered you here today 'cause you're the taste-makers of the school.
You know it.
Big time.
We'll eat anything.
I present to you ball-ball, a high-octane sport of the future, and it's the coolest, newest club in school.
What the hell, man? You told me this was a rush appreciation club.
I'm letting you in on the ground floor.
'Cause what we have here, it's more than a game.
It's a way of life.
I've played it.
They're definitely overselling it, but it's fine.
I heard I get to hit you in the testicles.
When do I get to do that? Love the enthusiasm! Now, I'm not only president of this club.
I'm also ball-ball champion of the world.
So I will naturally dominate, so do not be discouraged.
All right, everyone out! Rubén Amaro, Jr.
has to break in some new sneakers.
But I signed out the gym for my new ball-ball club.
What is this? How's it work? Ah, there's like a thousand rules.
Too complicated for you.
Bro, it's Rubén Amaro, Jr.
Let him in our club.
Yeah, you want this to go big, right? Well, he's the best athlete in school.
I don't know if it's confirmed he's the best athlete in school.
And honestly, I'm not sure he's ready to play game like this.
Watch and learn.
Ball-ball! Oh, no! He caught it with one hand.
That's a Ball-Buster bonus.
A penalty shot at Barry's face or nards.
Your choice.
Nards! Definitely the nards! Hey, Adam, pal, maybe ease up on the rules until Ohh! Sweetie, are you okay? [Groaning.]
He didn't say "ball-ball.
" This game is amazing! I'm telling everyone in school! Hey, Coach, I like this club.
Rubén Amaro, Jr.
is in.
It is officially a club.
Score! We did it! Wait, is this little kid playing with us? 'Cause maybe I'll take a rain check.
If Rubén hates it, I hate it, too.
Actually, I'm Barry's coach.
No! I don't even know who this kid is! Get out of here, strange child.
But this is our sport.
We invented it together.
Well, sometimes in life, you make hard choices.
This is an easy one.
Bye, Adam.
No! It's my game, too! Turns out Barry added a new rule to our beloved ball-ball Stabbing me in the back.
Despite my dad's struggle at the store, he forbid my mom from getting involved.
It did not stick.
Surprise! It's a fa-ton.
I know it's a fa-ton.
We discussed the fa-ton.
Get the fa-ton out of my store! I believe it's pronounced "fu-ton.
" [Bell dings.]
I'll handle this.
Hello, sir.
What fine piece of luxury furniture can I put you in today? Oh.
Is that one of those new futons? Why, yes.
They're very comfortable.
Ignore that thing.
These people don't even work here.
See, I have a small condo, and this would really save a lot of room.
Not to mention a lot of money.
Sit down.
Or lie down.
The choice is yours.
Wait, what if I told you I have a bed combined with a small lake? You see that? You see how it's gently rocking me to sleep? Waterbed.
Yeah, I don't know.
It seems kind of '70s.
This bed is so damn relaxing! Really? 'Cause you look more agitated.
It's like being in the freaking Bahamas.
Come on.
Lay down next to me.
Lay your body next to mine and feel what I feel.
Yeah, I'm I'm gonna go futon.
Vic will ring you up since he's not doing anything.
I'm taking this commission.
We did it.
See what happens when you accept a little help? You want to help? Great.
The store is yours.
What are you talking about? If I'm not needed here, I quit.
You can't quit! You're the boss! Oh-ho-ho! Well, now you're the boss.
Well, if I'm the boss, then I hire you back as my boss, and I quit.
I'm the boss? Well, then I'm leaving you in charge forever! That day, my dad wasn't the only one being beaten at his own game.
- Ball-ball.
- Ball-ball.
- Ball-ball.
- Ball-ball.
Oh! Damn it! Rematch! Maybe I should play Johnny Atkins or Carla.
You know, make it fair.
Fair? What are you saying? He's saying you suck, Goldberg.
Hit the bricks.
Crazy girl's right, Goldberg.
People are playing.
Get off the court.
But I'm club president.
I thought Rubén was.
Good idea.
Rubén Amaro, Jr.
, you're club president.
But I invented this game! Dude, you invented Rubén-ball? Well done, Barry.
Well done.
Appreciate the support, bro, but it's not time to celebrate.
I'm not supporting you.
This is a sarcastic clap.
What? A sarcastic clap goes like this.
Which is exactly what I'm doing, dude.
No, you're doing this.
That's a slow clap for a champion.
No, that's not a slow clap.
This is.
Oh, my god.
Can't you hear the difference? You're not watching what I'm doing.
Watch what I'm doing.
You're not hearing it! Hear the patterns.
It's a rhythm.
You've had no rhythm our whole life.
You're not watching what I'm doing! Just look! Just like this! Aah! Forget the clap! All I know is, first, you kick me out of the game we created.
Then you sucked at it and lost it forever.
- Sucked? - Sucked! For years, I thought you were the greatest athlete on the planet.
Turns out, you're, like, not good.
Just like me.
You take that back.
Never! You and me are the same.
That is the single-most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me.
The same.
Don't support me now with your applause.
It's too late.
Since I left you in charge of the store, I thought you might want to see what's happening.
"Going out of business" sale? Murray, that's brilliant! No, no, since you insist on running the store, I'm calling it quits and really going out of business.
Hon, furniture stores do this all the time.
Everybody knows it's not real.
But it is real! It's also the same exact ad you ran three times last year.
What do you think of that? It's fantastic! No, no, no, read it.
It's says "seriously" and "for real this time!" [Clicks tongue.]
Aah! Ha.
Right here in black and white.
"It's all over! This is not just one of those things furniture stores do to sell more furniture! It's Totally Real!" Ha! You, sir, are a genius! If I'm so good, why did you come down to the furniture store and mix in? I was helping.
See, that's the thing, Bev.
I didn't ask for your help.
Wait, where are you going? Anywhere but here.
Oh, look.
Dad's having another "going out of business" sale.
Aah! So, instead of closing down the store, my dad decided to move in.
Stupid, giant water balloon! [Groans.]
And he found comfort in the last place he expected.
That's damn nice.
The next morning, we found Barry's sports gear in the last place we expected.
Barry, what the What are you doing? Making a bonfire.
I've officially quit all of sports, and I'm burning everything I own.
Canoeing isn't even a sport.
It's a leisure activity.
Not the way I did it.
Goodbye, extreme canoeing.
And farewell to you, boomerang.
I mean it! I don't want you here! Go on! Get out of here! Damn you! Let me live my life! Dude, what did you do to him? Told him the truth! He's not some champion.
He's a scrub like me.
Dear lord, man.
Do you realize what you've done? Sports are everything to Barry, and you just took them away.
Why do I matter so much? I'm just his brother.
Deep down, Barry knows that out in the world, he's not some champion.
But in this house, you make him feel like one.
I I do? Yes.
You idolize him.
That's what little brothers do.
I didn't realize that.
Good news is that even though you destroyed him, you can still build him back up.
Goodbye, tennis racquet/air guitar.
Well, that was my racquet.
But sure, I'll build him back up.
After crushing Barry's spirits, I decided I couldn't let him throw away his dreams, or all his sports stuff.
What are you doing? I threw this junk out.
I brought it back in 'cause we're not done with it yet.
Come here.
Check out the board.
Forget Olympic glory.
I'm not a champion.
I'm not even Eddie The Eagle.
I'm nothing.
- [Vangelis' "Chariots Of Fire" plays.]
- Maybe out there.
But in here, you're Barry The Eagle.
Yeah, maybe you won't be in the winter or summer games, but we got something way better.
I give you The home games.
The home games? That's not a thing.
Neither was ball-ball.
Well, thanks to me, we lost it to Rubén Amaro, Jr.
Let him have it, 'cause we now got 17 homemade games combining athletic skill, bravery, stupidity, and karate.
What about boomerang? Oh, we be 'rangin' bro.
We be 'rangin'.
But only one champion in this house can take the gold.
Light the torch.
Let the games begin.
That fateful day, we hung up our ball-ball gear.
Sure, we lost one absurd brotherly game, but we gained a tradition that would last a lifetime.
My brother never made it to the Olympics like Eddie The Eagle, but that day, he sure felt like him.
What's up? Morning, sunshine! It's 11:15.
We just sold six futons, thanks to you sleeping so peacefully.
Is that supposed to make me feel better? Look, Mur, when I first opened this place, business was lousy.
It was so bad, my in-laws would buy furniture they didn't even need.
Every room in their house had three beds.
Why would they do something so stupid? To help me.
That's what family does.
We take care of each other.
There's no shame in that.
Yeah, well, it feels like there is.
I know that's how it was in your family, but now you're my family.
And this is how we do it.
Did you Fold stuff? Figured you gave me a hand, thought I could return the favor.
Look, Murray, I know selling furniture is your thing, and I'm sorry that I Oh, no, no, no.
This is on me.
The store It's struggling, Bevy.
And truthfully, I could really use your help.
I never thought you'd ask.
But he did.
For the first time, my dad broke down and asked for help.
Thanks to my mom, it really did pay off.
That's the thing about family They're always there to pick you up when you fall.
And if you're lucky, they help you soar like an eagle named Eddie.
We did it, baby! Hell, yeah, we did.
I'm one of the announcers here at our home games competition.
[Both screaming.]
[Indistinct shouting.]
Okay, we can all agree this year's home games was a raging success, but looking ahead, I want to legitimize the competition.
Allow me to introduce next year's new event Can you feel that? Like the name.
How's it work? Yeah, Barry, how does this work? Best we learn by demonstration.
Gentlemen, raise your bats.
W-wait, what? On your mark.
Get set.
Wait! Shouldn't I also have a helmet?! Can you feel that? Right there, right there.
You feel that? Nothing? Anything? Actually, no.
I support whatever this is.
Hey, Erica! Check me out! I'm tough and sexy! [Thud.]

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