The Goldbergs s05e00 Episode Script
The Goldbergs: 1990-Something
1 I make this look good.
Everybody dance now Adult Felicia: Ah, the '90s.
It really was the last great decade.
Forrest was running, Cobain was strumming, and Shaq was dunking.
America was getting online, and the world seemed so exciting and new.
Give me the music Even education was changing, thanks to trailblazers like John Glascott.
Running a school was his dream, and his new ideas were truly explosive.
Oh, dangit! [Groans.]
Oh, wait, it's invisible.
[Chuckles.]
- [Scatting.]
Is he in? - Don't care.
Uh, Ms.
Cheevers, you can't let just anyone barge into my office.
Hey! Day one, and here you are.
- What happened to your door? - Oh.
I had Stanley remove it.
It's part of my "open door" policy.
Even the bathrooms? What if someone has to go poo-Âpoo? Oh.
No, no, no, just my door.
Oh, God, I hope Stanley understood that.
Well, good luck.
I just came to say my final farewell and give you this.
Oh, it's your kids? It's for your Wall of Fame.
We don't have a Wall of Fame.
Ms.
Cheevers, make a Wall of Fame.
Everybody dance now Of course, not everyone embraced change, especially this guy, Rick Mellor.
He was your classic gym coach whose shorts were short and whose wisdom ran deep.
There's no "triumph" without "try," so try harder! Never give up, unless it's a seat to an old lady on a bus! There's nothing sweeter than the taste of victory except for flan.
Even though Coach was stuck in his ways, you could always count on him to inspire and protect you.
Whoa.
Nobody hit the blonde lady.
Coach, you are as fine a gentleman as you are an athlete.
Well, kindness is just another muscle, and I keep it jacked.
These kids are lucky to have you, which is why I made you this, a little something to remember me by.
Wow.
I feel like a dodgeball just hit me in the heart.
Everybody's moving on, getting promotions, and I'm still just the gym teacher.
Hey, just because they made Glascott head of school doesn't mean the kids still don't need their favorite coach.
You're right.
No matter what, I'm about doing what I love, and that's inspiring kids to be their best so they can reach their greatest heights.
Uh, Coach? I can't get down.
Not with that attitude! I believe in you! He's been up there over an hour.
[Thud.]
It's gonna be a great year, Rick.
I can feel it.
Well, ball's in your hands.
I hope you don't choke.
Are you kidding? I've been waiting for this moment my whole life.
I'm gonna turn this school into a Mecca of education and respect.
Isn't that your Toyota Tercel over there? Oh, no, somebody vandalized Burgundy Lightning! Silly kids and their silly string.
Nailed it! Let's get to learning! God help us all.
Everybody dance now It was September 1, 1990-Âsomething.
Time for John Glascott to make the impact he always dreamed of.
Which is why it is my pleasure to officially introduce my replacement, John Glascott.
[Applause.]
First on the agenda is, this is the rocking '90s, people.
Education is evolving, and we teachers, we need to be ready.
- ÂWhat's going on here? - ÂHere's what's happening, Doc.
No more throwing chalk at students in science class because, you know, it traumatizes the children.
That's why I do it.
Fear stimulates the mind.
No! These kids need to feel nurtured and secure.
And also, from now on, we can no longer play favorites.
And, yeah, I'm looking at you, Susan Cinoman.
What are you implying? I'm implying that you cast the same old suckÂup theater kids into all the best parts.
Oh, well, guilty as charged.
You about done, boss man? I got balls to pump.
Oh, about that, Coach? From now on, my kids will be playing safer games, like badminton and square dancing, instead of the more mean, cruel games, like dodgeball and dodgeball.
Are you nuts? HighÂoctane contact sports are the best way to turn kids into winners! Hey, if Mellor's not gonna change, I'm gonna keep whapping those little chatterboxes with chalk.
If he gets to throw chalk, then Josh Terissi gets the lead.
That kid was born to play a singing cat.
[Chatter.]
Okay, look.
I want every child here to feel valued, which is why we'll be starting a weekly "All School Community Share Session" in the gym.
You mean a pep rally? Oh, no, it's not a pep rally, Coach.
This is an open forum for students [Snorts.]
to celebrate, reflect, and bond.
Hot dog! A pep rally! I'm in! No, no, no! It's not a pep rally.
We'll steal Central's goat mascot, and we'll make a straw dummy of its quarterback, and we'll hit it with a stick! [Cheering.]
No.
Beating things with sticks has no place in a share session.
[School bell rings.]
Great meeting, everybody! [Cheering.]
Come back, everybody! It's not a pep rally! This school is doomed.
[Door closes.]
Don't worry, Earl.
I give you my word.
I am 100% dedicated to this school.
- Your sister called.
- I have to leave the school.
But when I return, then it's 100%.
And so the new head of school left his work family to see his real family ÂÂ which was me, his niece, Felicia.
Back then, I was the perfect storm of bad grades, bad decisions, and even worse attitude.
And that's my mom, Lucy.
Tough, strong, and raising two girls on her own.
Sir, you cannot put "Shaggin' Wagon" on a license plate.
- Come on.
I pay taxes.
- I doubt it.
The woman refused to ask anyone for help.
But today, she was desperate.
John, I called you over an hour ago! I know.
I'm sorry.
Felicia got suspended from school.
Already? How's that possible? She got caught selling term papers.
It's the first day of school.
They don't even have homework yet.
Hey, Urkel.
No cuts.
I've been waiting like two hours.
I'm sorry, sir, but what number are you? [Ding!.]
That's right.
You got me mad.
You piss me off again, I'm gonna lose your paperwork, even though I have it right here.
Thank you so much for this.
Can you drive Felicia home? Because I have to work until 3:00 and then go back and pick Gigi up.
Sure.
Also, please try and talk some sense into her.
This clearly seems like personal business.
And you're clearly never gonna drive a car, so start thinking about what color bicycle you want.
[Sighs.]
Mom called you? - Yes.
- I don't need a lecture.
Lecture? Hey, it's me, Cool Ol' Uncle J.
[Chuckles.]
The guy who bought your first Prince album and took you to see "The Exorcist" when you were 12.
Yeah, that was fun, even though I didn't sleep for six months.
Yeah, it was incredibly terrifying and about the devil.
It's just a stupid suspension.
It's not a big deal.
You know what I think? I think you're angry because of the divorce.
I mean, I warned your mom.
You don't marry a roadie named Bong.
I appreciate the weird pep talk, but I don't need a dad.
I've told you, "Sit down and think of something shorter and less freaky.
" I'll see you in six hours.
As Uncle J watched my mom happily destroy people's souls, he got an idea that changed our family forever.
Come work in my office! Aw, that's sweet, but I got a job.
At the DMV? Look, I've been in here five minutes and my soul is deadÂÂ literally, dead.
But if you work at my school, your girls can go there for free.
It's a fresh start.
With my know-Âit-Âall big brother judging me, trying to fix my life? No way.
Then don't do it for you.
Do it for your kids.
I've got this, John.
I'll figure it out.
Hey, Uncle J.
I don't need a ride anymore.
Got you covered, bro.
UnhÂunh, missy.
I'm coming to work for you.
My mom changed our whole lives to get me on the right track Bye, girls! and it was a frigging nightmare.
That's my little sister, Gigi.
She was always picked on for being happy, positive, and socially awkward.
Hey, hey, hey! Hey, Uncle J.
I'm super pumped to make new best friends.
I love you, but don't talk to me till I graduate.
Hey! Someone's gonna have to look out for Gigi.
And lucky for her, she gets to go to high school with her mommy.
Bye.
I'm gonna run ahead and go put up fliers - for my Happy Harmony Club.
- Your what, now? I'm starting an a cappella club that sings Backstreet Boys only.
[Sighs.]
Don't worry.
Everyone's gonna be fine.
Let's get to work.
You're right.
What's first? I need you to fire a mean, old white lady.
Yeah, okay.
And so my mom became Uncle J's gatekeeper at the front desk.
Every school has one, the eyes and ears of the place.
And she was damn good at it.
If you're leaving on the 5:30 bus, you'd better get out there.
Stop lying to yourself, Ms.
Larkin.
Tyler doesn't have a tummy ache.
He's got an algebra test.
You are way too good for Todd.
Now, stop feeling sorry for yourself, knot up that shirt, and go flirt with his best friend.
Turns out, seven years at the DMV taught my mom how to bring the hammer down, which came in handy with a guy like Coach.
Hey now! You can't just take those! Head of school says, "No more dodgeball.
" You can't just take my balls.
Those are my balls.
[Laughs.]
Not anymore.
Yep, things were looking up.
She took my balls.
Mom started to think working for her big brother wasn't gonna be a complete disaster.
- This is a disaster! - What? Of all the kids, she found the bad ones, and impressively quick.
- Who are they? - Tree people.
[Gasps.]
[Gasps.]
Don't do that! Who are tree people? A bunch of jokers and tokers who spend their lunch hackyÂsacking to Soundgarden.
That's their leader, Mike Stamm, although I don't know that sourpuss with him.
- That's my daughter.
- She's lovely.
Luce, she's only acting out to express a need.
You need to give her space to communicate her feelings.
She doesn't need feelings.
She needs competition to build character.
There's nothing like the feel of a trophy in one's hand.
That's oldÂfashioned thinking, Rick.
In my school, everyone is a winner, even if they lose.
But if you lose, you're a loser.
With me in charge, everyone gets a trophy.
But the losers can't win a trophy.
That makes no sense.
It makes sense because everyone wins.
- Are you two done? - What if the winners get a giant, golden trophy and the losers get a small, crappy one? The winners get what the losers get.
But how will the winners rub it in the losers' faces if everybody's got the same crappy, little trophy? Forget about the damn trophies! What are we gonna do about Felicia? Okay, let me handle this.
Okay, I need six gallons of Gatorade and I need my sack of dodgeballs back.
No.
All Felicia needs is real trust and space to find her own way.
[Sighs.]
I'm gonna go with my brother on this.
All right.
You win this round, "My brother.
" You do know I'm her actual brother, right? I did not.
But you mark my words, this is far from over.
Pretty sure it's over.
Not until I prove my way of teaching is better than yours.
Do not prove that.
- Challenge accepted! - There is no challenge.
May the best man win! Which is everyone, because we're all winners! That makes no sense! By the end of the week, I was leader of the tree people while Gigi was in a club all by herself.
Hey, guys! I was wondering if anybody wants to join my Happy Harmony Club.
Sign me up.
My name's Pat McGroin.
[Laughter.]
Wow! Thanks, Patrick! Oh, my God, there's no Pat McGroin.
Just go.
[Laughter.]
Oh, um, okay.
Sorry to bother you.
Class.
Now.
[Sighs.]
What is your glitch? My glitch? I thought I told you to look after your sister.
And go down in flames with her? Pass.
You know, you're making it very difficult for me to give you space here.
Well, let me help you with that.
Bye.
At least take off that nasty flannel! There.
You got your dodgeballs back.
But in return, you have to save my daughter from the tree freaks.
What? I thought you bought into all that stuff about rainbows and ponies and trust.
Hey, should we be standing here? That kid has a javelin.
Oh, please.
Look at his noodle arms.
We're fine.
Here's the thing, John can't know I came to you for help.
I swear to keep it between us.
Besides, I have literally no one else to tell.
So, what's the plan? I've got a whole sack of plans right here.
Let the healing begin.
Whoa! [Gasps.]
Good job, Horowitz! Have at it! Last thing I ever thought I'd do was play dodgeball.
Oh, hell no! But Coach was always one step ahead.
In that moment, I let everything go ÂÂ My troubles at school, my weird little sister, my parents' divorce and it was awesome.
NÂoÂoÂoÂo! Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it Ice, ice, baby [Whistle blows.]
All right, that's game.
New girl, huddle up.
Now, tell me, how did that feel? Honestly [Chuckles.]
fanÂfrickinÂtastic.
You know, our softball team could use a player - with a gun like yours.
- Yeah? I don't know.
Um, I'll think about it.
Until then, game on.
[Whistle blows.]
Rollin' in my 5.
0 [Balls bouncing.]
Put my ragtop down so my hair can blow What the? I'd know that painful, rubbery sound anywhere.
Somebody's dodging balls! Ohh! Ow! Cody! I know you did that on purpose! Hey, Uncle J, you come to watch me kick some butt? I thought I said, "No more dodgeball.
" But it did the trick.
For the first time, I saw Felicia smile.
I told you not to get involved.
But I did, which means I win the challenge, and you get no trophy.
There is no challenge.
Says the loser.
For the last time, I'm in charge, you whistleÂtoting dingÂdong! Don't you dare bring my whistle into this.
You wear it everywhere! It's weird! I saw you at the mall with it.
You want to talk about weird? You're wearing a sweater vest and it's 80 degrees out, you cheeseball! My middle body gets cold.
You're just ticked because my methods work with Felicia.
They should have given me that job, not some touchyÂfeely pushover.
You're fired! Who's the pushover now? After giving Mellor the boot, Uncle J knew the faculty would be shaken, and so he pulled a baller move and brought them all to the hottest spot of the '90s ÂÂ Planet Hollywood.
Hey, boss.
Hmm? Great place for a faculty mixer.
Yeah, I know.
I heard Bruce Willis maybe once ate here.
Listen, I got a work question.
Let's say I had a kid, he's chewing gum in class.
Can I throw something at his body, soft, like a sponge or a chair? - ÂUh, no.
- ÂWhat about a shoe? - ÂNo.
- ÂBeanie baby? - ÂNo.
- ÂAbacus? - ÂNo.
- ÂOctopus? ÂMnhÂmnh.
Â[Growls.]
Let's not talk shop, pal.
Okay? It's been a long week.
Sorry I'm late.
I went to the other Planet Hollywood.
The closest one to here is Orlando.
UhÂhuh.
Where's, uh, Coach Mellor? Glascott gave him the axe.
- What? - Man has gone mad with power.
I mean, I had to cast a bunch of toneÂdeaf losers in "Cats.
" One kid is in a back brace.
I mean, that's not very catÂlike! I'm gonna walk away now.
It's that kind of show.
It brings things up for people.
[Sighs heavily.]
You fired Mellor? Yeah.
He forced Felicia into a life of physical fitness.
That's because I told him to, dummy! I thought you finally agreed to take my advice? I can't just trust Felicia.
It's ridiculous.
This is so typical.
I do everything I can to help you, but you just refuse to accept it.
I never asked you to save me, John.
You just insist on it because you think you're better than me.
Yeah, well, here we are now, all grownÂup, and your life is still a mess.
And yours is just so perfect.
You live in a one Âbedroom condo with a parrot for a roommate.
Don't you dare bring Feather Locklear into this.
She has been nothing but nice to you.
I hate that bird! Well, I'm sorry my life is such a joke to you.
And I'm sorry that I ever took this job.
[Music playing.]
Despite the many setbacks, Uncle J had not given up his dream of creating a supportive school.
Thank you, and welcome to our first ever "All School Community Share Session"! [Metallic scraping.]
[Grunting.]
Oh, bad timing.
Just clearing out my office.
Should I, uh, come back or No, just get it over with.
[Sighs.]
[Metallic scraping resumes.]
Phew.
Okay.
Time for the sharing and the caring to begin.
Quakers rule! [Cheering.]
[Band plays.]
No.
Stop.
Please, no lively marching band.
This is not a pep rally, people.
[Feedback.]
Fighting Quaker, be still! That's detention, you goofy bastard! No, there is no detention.
Sit down, Doc.
Okay, who's ready to come up here and share their specialness? Me! - ÂOh, no.
- ÂOh, no.
Oh, boy.
Come on, Gi! Hi.
I'm Gigi Somers, founder of the Happy Harmony Club.
We still need lots of members, so I thought I'd come up here and show you what we're all about.
You've got to stop this.
No.
This is her passion.
We have to support it and believe in her.
[OffÂkey.]
You are My fire - The one desire - You have got to stop this! That's what I just said.
John, they're gonna eat her alive.
You suck! [Laughter.]
Oh, no.
The eating has begun.
[Timidly.]
But we Are two worlds apart It's okay.
I'm a teacher.
I know how to salvage this.
Rick, Rick.
How's your singing voice? - ÂIt's amazing.
- ÂCome back me up.
- ÂYou fired me.
- ÂThere's a kid in trouble.
You, more than anyone else, knows that comes first.
Always.
We going shirts or no shirts? I don't even understand the question.
Tell me why, ain't nothing but a mistake Tell me why I never want to hear you say That I want it that way Now that I see that it's falling apart From the way that we used to be Yeah No matter the distance, I want you to know [Band plays.]
That deep down inside of me  You are You are Don't wanna hear you! Ain't nothing but a heartache Tell me why, ain't nothing but a mistake Tell me why I never want to hear you say I want it that way Tell me why, ain't nothing but a heartache In that moment, I realized everyone in that school was truly lucky to have my uncle looking out for them [Squeals.]
Especially my family.
Oh, honey, that was amazing! Mom, stop, you're embarrassing me.
I want it that way [Backstreet Boys' "I Want It That Way" plays.]
I can't believe that just happened.
The entire school was on her side.
You did that, John.
Hmm, all in a day's work.
[Sighs.]
You are my fire Anyways, I should get home.
My bird needs me.
John, wait.
Look, I was an idiot to say you had a sad life.
I never realized how amazing it was until I got here.
[Scoffs.]
Come on.
You help these kids every day, just like you always tried to help me, except I never listened because I always wanted to try and prove that I was strong enough to handle everything on my own.
Luce, you're the strongest person I know.
I'm not.
I'm alone with two teenage girls, and the truth is, I can use all the help I can get.
I'll always be here to help you.
You know that.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Tell me why, ain't nothing but a heartache Tell me why, ain't nothing but a mistake And maybe it's time you admit you could use a little help yourself.
Tell me why, I never want to hear you say Wow, that's a lot of trophies.
Yeah, well, turns out you were right.
At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter.
They're just plastic.
No, I was wrong.
They represent the life of a coach who taught thousands of kids to be the best.
Sorry, I'm not a coach anymore.
No.
You're more than a coach.
You're the best teacher we got.
You mean that? When I saw Felicia playing dodgeball, feeling good about herself, I got jealous.
Your way worked.
- So, I won the challenge.
- There was no challenge.
But if there was Okay, yeah, you won.
- Ha ha! - Don't wanna hear you say ÂNo, what? ÂHa ha.
- ÂOh, too tight.
- ÂAh, Coach hugs hard.
Turns out, my uncle was right.
We all need to support each other to succeed.
And thanks to Coach, I realized I can let go of my anger - ÂStrike three! - And become a champion.
That's my baby! I made her! And my mom learned that help can come from the most unlikely of places.
And Gigi showed everyone, there's nothing wrong with just being yourself.
'Cause in the end, we're stronger together - Than we are alone.
- Hey, can I sit here? That as a school, as a family, we can do anything.
John, we need to talk.
I am outraged by the lack of Goldberg content in the alumni magazine.
UnhÂunh, ma'am, you can't just walk up into the head of school's office.
If you want to make an appointment with this man, you have to make an appointment with me first.
Now, come on, with your cute dress.
Tell me why, I never want to hear you say New hire? Yeah, it's my sister.
ÂMy actual sister.
- I want it that way - I like her.
- Tell me why - Me, too.
Ain't nothing but a heartache [Whirring.]
Tell me why, ain't nothing but a mistake Rick! Rick! What are you doing? You said my way works.
No trees means no tree people.
I meant talk to these kids.
Let them feel that they can make a difference.
All right, let's try that, then.
Come on, kids.
Let's get to learning.
Ain't nothing but a mistake Isn't that Burgundy Lightning, John? Yes, it is, Coach.
Yes, it is.
I want it that way I try to set a tone where they can come in and see me about anything.
- [Ding!.]
- - [Ding!.]
- [Applause.]
- [Ding!.]
-
Everybody dance now Adult Felicia: Ah, the '90s.
It really was the last great decade.
Forrest was running, Cobain was strumming, and Shaq was dunking.
America was getting online, and the world seemed so exciting and new.
Give me the music Even education was changing, thanks to trailblazers like John Glascott.
Running a school was his dream, and his new ideas were truly explosive.
Oh, dangit! [Groans.]
Oh, wait, it's invisible.
[Chuckles.]
- [Scatting.]
Is he in? - Don't care.
Uh, Ms.
Cheevers, you can't let just anyone barge into my office.
Hey! Day one, and here you are.
- What happened to your door? - Oh.
I had Stanley remove it.
It's part of my "open door" policy.
Even the bathrooms? What if someone has to go poo-Âpoo? Oh.
No, no, no, just my door.
Oh, God, I hope Stanley understood that.
Well, good luck.
I just came to say my final farewell and give you this.
Oh, it's your kids? It's for your Wall of Fame.
We don't have a Wall of Fame.
Ms.
Cheevers, make a Wall of Fame.
Everybody dance now Of course, not everyone embraced change, especially this guy, Rick Mellor.
He was your classic gym coach whose shorts were short and whose wisdom ran deep.
There's no "triumph" without "try," so try harder! Never give up, unless it's a seat to an old lady on a bus! There's nothing sweeter than the taste of victory except for flan.
Even though Coach was stuck in his ways, you could always count on him to inspire and protect you.
Whoa.
Nobody hit the blonde lady.
Coach, you are as fine a gentleman as you are an athlete.
Well, kindness is just another muscle, and I keep it jacked.
These kids are lucky to have you, which is why I made you this, a little something to remember me by.
Wow.
I feel like a dodgeball just hit me in the heart.
Everybody's moving on, getting promotions, and I'm still just the gym teacher.
Hey, just because they made Glascott head of school doesn't mean the kids still don't need their favorite coach.
You're right.
No matter what, I'm about doing what I love, and that's inspiring kids to be their best so they can reach their greatest heights.
Uh, Coach? I can't get down.
Not with that attitude! I believe in you! He's been up there over an hour.
[Thud.]
It's gonna be a great year, Rick.
I can feel it.
Well, ball's in your hands.
I hope you don't choke.
Are you kidding? I've been waiting for this moment my whole life.
I'm gonna turn this school into a Mecca of education and respect.
Isn't that your Toyota Tercel over there? Oh, no, somebody vandalized Burgundy Lightning! Silly kids and their silly string.
Nailed it! Let's get to learning! God help us all.
Everybody dance now It was September 1, 1990-Âsomething.
Time for John Glascott to make the impact he always dreamed of.
Which is why it is my pleasure to officially introduce my replacement, John Glascott.
[Applause.]
First on the agenda is, this is the rocking '90s, people.
Education is evolving, and we teachers, we need to be ready.
- ÂWhat's going on here? - ÂHere's what's happening, Doc.
No more throwing chalk at students in science class because, you know, it traumatizes the children.
That's why I do it.
Fear stimulates the mind.
No! These kids need to feel nurtured and secure.
And also, from now on, we can no longer play favorites.
And, yeah, I'm looking at you, Susan Cinoman.
What are you implying? I'm implying that you cast the same old suckÂup theater kids into all the best parts.
Oh, well, guilty as charged.
You about done, boss man? I got balls to pump.
Oh, about that, Coach? From now on, my kids will be playing safer games, like badminton and square dancing, instead of the more mean, cruel games, like dodgeball and dodgeball.
Are you nuts? HighÂoctane contact sports are the best way to turn kids into winners! Hey, if Mellor's not gonna change, I'm gonna keep whapping those little chatterboxes with chalk.
If he gets to throw chalk, then Josh Terissi gets the lead.
That kid was born to play a singing cat.
[Chatter.]
Okay, look.
I want every child here to feel valued, which is why we'll be starting a weekly "All School Community Share Session" in the gym.
You mean a pep rally? Oh, no, it's not a pep rally, Coach.
This is an open forum for students [Snorts.]
to celebrate, reflect, and bond.
Hot dog! A pep rally! I'm in! No, no, no! It's not a pep rally.
We'll steal Central's goat mascot, and we'll make a straw dummy of its quarterback, and we'll hit it with a stick! [Cheering.]
No.
Beating things with sticks has no place in a share session.
[School bell rings.]
Great meeting, everybody! [Cheering.]
Come back, everybody! It's not a pep rally! This school is doomed.
[Door closes.]
Don't worry, Earl.
I give you my word.
I am 100% dedicated to this school.
- Your sister called.
- I have to leave the school.
But when I return, then it's 100%.
And so the new head of school left his work family to see his real family ÂÂ which was me, his niece, Felicia.
Back then, I was the perfect storm of bad grades, bad decisions, and even worse attitude.
And that's my mom, Lucy.
Tough, strong, and raising two girls on her own.
Sir, you cannot put "Shaggin' Wagon" on a license plate.
- Come on.
I pay taxes.
- I doubt it.
The woman refused to ask anyone for help.
But today, she was desperate.
John, I called you over an hour ago! I know.
I'm sorry.
Felicia got suspended from school.
Already? How's that possible? She got caught selling term papers.
It's the first day of school.
They don't even have homework yet.
Hey, Urkel.
No cuts.
I've been waiting like two hours.
I'm sorry, sir, but what number are you? [Ding!.]
That's right.
You got me mad.
You piss me off again, I'm gonna lose your paperwork, even though I have it right here.
Thank you so much for this.
Can you drive Felicia home? Because I have to work until 3:00 and then go back and pick Gigi up.
Sure.
Also, please try and talk some sense into her.
This clearly seems like personal business.
And you're clearly never gonna drive a car, so start thinking about what color bicycle you want.
[Sighs.]
Mom called you? - Yes.
- I don't need a lecture.
Lecture? Hey, it's me, Cool Ol' Uncle J.
[Chuckles.]
The guy who bought your first Prince album and took you to see "The Exorcist" when you were 12.
Yeah, that was fun, even though I didn't sleep for six months.
Yeah, it was incredibly terrifying and about the devil.
It's just a stupid suspension.
It's not a big deal.
You know what I think? I think you're angry because of the divorce.
I mean, I warned your mom.
You don't marry a roadie named Bong.
I appreciate the weird pep talk, but I don't need a dad.
I've told you, "Sit down and think of something shorter and less freaky.
" I'll see you in six hours.
As Uncle J watched my mom happily destroy people's souls, he got an idea that changed our family forever.
Come work in my office! Aw, that's sweet, but I got a job.
At the DMV? Look, I've been in here five minutes and my soul is deadÂÂ literally, dead.
But if you work at my school, your girls can go there for free.
It's a fresh start.
With my know-Âit-Âall big brother judging me, trying to fix my life? No way.
Then don't do it for you.
Do it for your kids.
I've got this, John.
I'll figure it out.
Hey, Uncle J.
I don't need a ride anymore.
Got you covered, bro.
UnhÂunh, missy.
I'm coming to work for you.
My mom changed our whole lives to get me on the right track Bye, girls! and it was a frigging nightmare.
That's my little sister, Gigi.
She was always picked on for being happy, positive, and socially awkward.
Hey, hey, hey! Hey, Uncle J.
I'm super pumped to make new best friends.
I love you, but don't talk to me till I graduate.
Hey! Someone's gonna have to look out for Gigi.
And lucky for her, she gets to go to high school with her mommy.
Bye.
I'm gonna run ahead and go put up fliers - for my Happy Harmony Club.
- Your what, now? I'm starting an a cappella club that sings Backstreet Boys only.
[Sighs.]
Don't worry.
Everyone's gonna be fine.
Let's get to work.
You're right.
What's first? I need you to fire a mean, old white lady.
Yeah, okay.
And so my mom became Uncle J's gatekeeper at the front desk.
Every school has one, the eyes and ears of the place.
And she was damn good at it.
If you're leaving on the 5:30 bus, you'd better get out there.
Stop lying to yourself, Ms.
Larkin.
Tyler doesn't have a tummy ache.
He's got an algebra test.
You are way too good for Todd.
Now, stop feeling sorry for yourself, knot up that shirt, and go flirt with his best friend.
Turns out, seven years at the DMV taught my mom how to bring the hammer down, which came in handy with a guy like Coach.
Hey now! You can't just take those! Head of school says, "No more dodgeball.
" You can't just take my balls.
Those are my balls.
[Laughs.]
Not anymore.
Yep, things were looking up.
She took my balls.
Mom started to think working for her big brother wasn't gonna be a complete disaster.
- This is a disaster! - What? Of all the kids, she found the bad ones, and impressively quick.
- Who are they? - Tree people.
[Gasps.]
[Gasps.]
Don't do that! Who are tree people? A bunch of jokers and tokers who spend their lunch hackyÂsacking to Soundgarden.
That's their leader, Mike Stamm, although I don't know that sourpuss with him.
- That's my daughter.
- She's lovely.
Luce, she's only acting out to express a need.
You need to give her space to communicate her feelings.
She doesn't need feelings.
She needs competition to build character.
There's nothing like the feel of a trophy in one's hand.
That's oldÂfashioned thinking, Rick.
In my school, everyone is a winner, even if they lose.
But if you lose, you're a loser.
With me in charge, everyone gets a trophy.
But the losers can't win a trophy.
That makes no sense.
It makes sense because everyone wins.
- Are you two done? - What if the winners get a giant, golden trophy and the losers get a small, crappy one? The winners get what the losers get.
But how will the winners rub it in the losers' faces if everybody's got the same crappy, little trophy? Forget about the damn trophies! What are we gonna do about Felicia? Okay, let me handle this.
Okay, I need six gallons of Gatorade and I need my sack of dodgeballs back.
No.
All Felicia needs is real trust and space to find her own way.
[Sighs.]
I'm gonna go with my brother on this.
All right.
You win this round, "My brother.
" You do know I'm her actual brother, right? I did not.
But you mark my words, this is far from over.
Pretty sure it's over.
Not until I prove my way of teaching is better than yours.
Do not prove that.
- Challenge accepted! - There is no challenge.
May the best man win! Which is everyone, because we're all winners! That makes no sense! By the end of the week, I was leader of the tree people while Gigi was in a club all by herself.
Hey, guys! I was wondering if anybody wants to join my Happy Harmony Club.
Sign me up.
My name's Pat McGroin.
[Laughter.]
Wow! Thanks, Patrick! Oh, my God, there's no Pat McGroin.
Just go.
[Laughter.]
Oh, um, okay.
Sorry to bother you.
Class.
Now.
[Sighs.]
What is your glitch? My glitch? I thought I told you to look after your sister.
And go down in flames with her? Pass.
You know, you're making it very difficult for me to give you space here.
Well, let me help you with that.
Bye.
At least take off that nasty flannel! There.
You got your dodgeballs back.
But in return, you have to save my daughter from the tree freaks.
What? I thought you bought into all that stuff about rainbows and ponies and trust.
Hey, should we be standing here? That kid has a javelin.
Oh, please.
Look at his noodle arms.
We're fine.
Here's the thing, John can't know I came to you for help.
I swear to keep it between us.
Besides, I have literally no one else to tell.
So, what's the plan? I've got a whole sack of plans right here.
Let the healing begin.
Whoa! [Gasps.]
Good job, Horowitz! Have at it! Last thing I ever thought I'd do was play dodgeball.
Oh, hell no! But Coach was always one step ahead.
In that moment, I let everything go ÂÂ My troubles at school, my weird little sister, my parents' divorce and it was awesome.
NÂoÂoÂoÂo! Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it Ice, ice, baby [Whistle blows.]
All right, that's game.
New girl, huddle up.
Now, tell me, how did that feel? Honestly [Chuckles.]
fanÂfrickinÂtastic.
You know, our softball team could use a player - with a gun like yours.
- Yeah? I don't know.
Um, I'll think about it.
Until then, game on.
[Whistle blows.]
Rollin' in my 5.
0 [Balls bouncing.]
Put my ragtop down so my hair can blow What the? I'd know that painful, rubbery sound anywhere.
Somebody's dodging balls! Ohh! Ow! Cody! I know you did that on purpose! Hey, Uncle J, you come to watch me kick some butt? I thought I said, "No more dodgeball.
" But it did the trick.
For the first time, I saw Felicia smile.
I told you not to get involved.
But I did, which means I win the challenge, and you get no trophy.
There is no challenge.
Says the loser.
For the last time, I'm in charge, you whistleÂtoting dingÂdong! Don't you dare bring my whistle into this.
You wear it everywhere! It's weird! I saw you at the mall with it.
You want to talk about weird? You're wearing a sweater vest and it's 80 degrees out, you cheeseball! My middle body gets cold.
You're just ticked because my methods work with Felicia.
They should have given me that job, not some touchyÂfeely pushover.
You're fired! Who's the pushover now? After giving Mellor the boot, Uncle J knew the faculty would be shaken, and so he pulled a baller move and brought them all to the hottest spot of the '90s ÂÂ Planet Hollywood.
Hey, boss.
Hmm? Great place for a faculty mixer.
Yeah, I know.
I heard Bruce Willis maybe once ate here.
Listen, I got a work question.
Let's say I had a kid, he's chewing gum in class.
Can I throw something at his body, soft, like a sponge or a chair? - ÂUh, no.
- ÂWhat about a shoe? - ÂNo.
- ÂBeanie baby? - ÂNo.
- ÂAbacus? - ÂNo.
- ÂOctopus? ÂMnhÂmnh.
Â[Growls.]
Let's not talk shop, pal.
Okay? It's been a long week.
Sorry I'm late.
I went to the other Planet Hollywood.
The closest one to here is Orlando.
UhÂhuh.
Where's, uh, Coach Mellor? Glascott gave him the axe.
- What? - Man has gone mad with power.
I mean, I had to cast a bunch of toneÂdeaf losers in "Cats.
" One kid is in a back brace.
I mean, that's not very catÂlike! I'm gonna walk away now.
It's that kind of show.
It brings things up for people.
[Sighs heavily.]
You fired Mellor? Yeah.
He forced Felicia into a life of physical fitness.
That's because I told him to, dummy! I thought you finally agreed to take my advice? I can't just trust Felicia.
It's ridiculous.
This is so typical.
I do everything I can to help you, but you just refuse to accept it.
I never asked you to save me, John.
You just insist on it because you think you're better than me.
Yeah, well, here we are now, all grownÂup, and your life is still a mess.
And yours is just so perfect.
You live in a one Âbedroom condo with a parrot for a roommate.
Don't you dare bring Feather Locklear into this.
She has been nothing but nice to you.
I hate that bird! Well, I'm sorry my life is such a joke to you.
And I'm sorry that I ever took this job.
[Music playing.]
Despite the many setbacks, Uncle J had not given up his dream of creating a supportive school.
Thank you, and welcome to our first ever "All School Community Share Session"! [Metallic scraping.]
[Grunting.]
Oh, bad timing.
Just clearing out my office.
Should I, uh, come back or No, just get it over with.
[Sighs.]
[Metallic scraping resumes.]
Phew.
Okay.
Time for the sharing and the caring to begin.
Quakers rule! [Cheering.]
[Band plays.]
No.
Stop.
Please, no lively marching band.
This is not a pep rally, people.
[Feedback.]
Fighting Quaker, be still! That's detention, you goofy bastard! No, there is no detention.
Sit down, Doc.
Okay, who's ready to come up here and share their specialness? Me! - ÂOh, no.
- ÂOh, no.
Oh, boy.
Come on, Gi! Hi.
I'm Gigi Somers, founder of the Happy Harmony Club.
We still need lots of members, so I thought I'd come up here and show you what we're all about.
You've got to stop this.
No.
This is her passion.
We have to support it and believe in her.
[OffÂkey.]
You are My fire - The one desire - You have got to stop this! That's what I just said.
John, they're gonna eat her alive.
You suck! [Laughter.]
Oh, no.
The eating has begun.
[Timidly.]
But we Are two worlds apart It's okay.
I'm a teacher.
I know how to salvage this.
Rick, Rick.
How's your singing voice? - ÂIt's amazing.
- ÂCome back me up.
- ÂYou fired me.
- ÂThere's a kid in trouble.
You, more than anyone else, knows that comes first.
Always.
We going shirts or no shirts? I don't even understand the question.
Tell me why, ain't nothing but a mistake Tell me why I never want to hear you say That I want it that way Now that I see that it's falling apart From the way that we used to be Yeah No matter the distance, I want you to know [Band plays.]
That deep down inside of me  You are You are Don't wanna hear you! Ain't nothing but a heartache Tell me why, ain't nothing but a mistake Tell me why I never want to hear you say I want it that way Tell me why, ain't nothing but a heartache In that moment, I realized everyone in that school was truly lucky to have my uncle looking out for them [Squeals.]
Especially my family.
Oh, honey, that was amazing! Mom, stop, you're embarrassing me.
I want it that way [Backstreet Boys' "I Want It That Way" plays.]
I can't believe that just happened.
The entire school was on her side.
You did that, John.
Hmm, all in a day's work.
[Sighs.]
You are my fire Anyways, I should get home.
My bird needs me.
John, wait.
Look, I was an idiot to say you had a sad life.
I never realized how amazing it was until I got here.
[Scoffs.]
Come on.
You help these kids every day, just like you always tried to help me, except I never listened because I always wanted to try and prove that I was strong enough to handle everything on my own.
Luce, you're the strongest person I know.
I'm not.
I'm alone with two teenage girls, and the truth is, I can use all the help I can get.
I'll always be here to help you.
You know that.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Tell me why, ain't nothing but a heartache Tell me why, ain't nothing but a mistake And maybe it's time you admit you could use a little help yourself.
Tell me why, I never want to hear you say Wow, that's a lot of trophies.
Yeah, well, turns out you were right.
At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter.
They're just plastic.
No, I was wrong.
They represent the life of a coach who taught thousands of kids to be the best.
Sorry, I'm not a coach anymore.
No.
You're more than a coach.
You're the best teacher we got.
You mean that? When I saw Felicia playing dodgeball, feeling good about herself, I got jealous.
Your way worked.
- So, I won the challenge.
- There was no challenge.
But if there was Okay, yeah, you won.
- Ha ha! - Don't wanna hear you say ÂNo, what? ÂHa ha.
- ÂOh, too tight.
- ÂAh, Coach hugs hard.
Turns out, my uncle was right.
We all need to support each other to succeed.
And thanks to Coach, I realized I can let go of my anger - ÂStrike three! - And become a champion.
That's my baby! I made her! And my mom learned that help can come from the most unlikely of places.
And Gigi showed everyone, there's nothing wrong with just being yourself.
'Cause in the end, we're stronger together - Than we are alone.
- Hey, can I sit here? That as a school, as a family, we can do anything.
John, we need to talk.
I am outraged by the lack of Goldberg content in the alumni magazine.
UnhÂunh, ma'am, you can't just walk up into the head of school's office.
If you want to make an appointment with this man, you have to make an appointment with me first.
Now, come on, with your cute dress.
Tell me why, I never want to hear you say New hire? Yeah, it's my sister.
ÂMy actual sister.
- I want it that way - I like her.
- Tell me why - Me, too.
Ain't nothing but a heartache [Whirring.]
Tell me why, ain't nothing but a mistake Rick! Rick! What are you doing? You said my way works.
No trees means no tree people.
I meant talk to these kids.
Let them feel that they can make a difference.
All right, let's try that, then.
Come on, kids.
Let's get to learning.
Ain't nothing but a mistake Isn't that Burgundy Lightning, John? Yes, it is, Coach.
Yes, it is.
I want it that way I try to set a tone where they can come in and see me about anything.
- [Ding!.]
- - [Ding!.]
- [Applause.]
- [Ding!.]
-