The Goldbergs s05e10 Episode Script

We Didn't Start the Fire

1 Ever since I was a kid, Billy Joel was my musical idol.
I loved every album and video, but he blew my mind when he released a song like no other We didn't start the fire "We Didn't Start the Fire" was an instant classic.
The moment I heard it, I was obsessed.
Joseph Stalin, Malenkov, Nasser, and Prokofiev - Rockefeller, Campanella - What is he doing? It's like Billy Joel is singing, but also rapping.
No, it's like he's rapping, but also singing.
It became a point of pride to memorize the lyrics.
Sugar Ray, Panmunjom [Tape rewinds] And back before the Internet, the only way to learn them was to just listen.
The hell are you doing?! It's the middle of the night! Dad, thank God! It is "Pumajob?" "Pacman job?" Put on the damn headphones.
What is he saying? He's saying you're a moron.
Now go to bed, and also learn some history! And the best part? I did! Billy Joel actually made me good at school.
So, yes.
We didn't start the fire.
In fact, it burned right from Harry Truman to the great cola wars.
[Applause] Normally, I am not a fan of popular music, but this song teaches and entertains.
You don't like music? No.
I enjoy the dulcet tones of AM talk radio.
That's sad.
I feel sad for you.
I mean, traffic, sports, weather, you've got it all! But most importantly, Billy Joel taught me girls dig rock stars.
Rock and Roller cola wars, I can't take it anymore Wow! That was totally badass.
You like how I flipped over the He-Man table? You know what? You should perform that song in the holiday talent show.
- You think? - I know.
Not to completely objectify you, but the whole thing was insanely hot.
Me, hot? Yeahhh, oh! [Chuckles nervously] Never thought I'd hear that from a girl.
Is it warm? My cheeks are burning.
What can I say? You make quite the Billy Joel.
More like Boopie Joel.
Schmoo didn't start the fire But his cheeks are gushy and his tushy's squooshy Give me a little nibble.
Just look away, Jackie! Look away! I am looking away, but there's a mirror right there.
[Growling] Aaaah! [Laughs] I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was December 13, 1980-something, and Erica was back from college for winter break.
I have an announcement.
We've spent a lot of time together this holiday break, too much in fact.
- You've been home for one day.
- You're feeling it, too.
Which is why I will be spending the first night of Hanukkah - at Geoff's house.
- What?! His parents invited me, and I don't want to be here, so it's all lining up.
Murray, your daughter wants to spend the holiest day of the year without the family.
- Say something! - Holy?! Most years, we give up halfway through.
Murray, don't interrupt.
It's a very special day, so at the very least, we should come with you.
Ooh, one problem - You're not invited.
- Please.
Linda and Lou Schwartz are friends.
They'd love to have us.
You've never even talked to them.
Well, I sent Linda a beautifully-worded note when Murray ran over her foot.
I signed my name at the bottom.
You are not crashing their dinner, end of story! Damn it! Quick, grab your pants.
The Schwartzes are clearly making a play to take Hanukkah! Who's doing what now? Murray, it is crucial that we establish ourselves as the fun parents who host all the holidays.
That way, if Geoff and Erica ever get married, they come to us.
Not those bastards.
Us.
Okay, I'm hearing a lot of worry about things far in the future that I don't care about.
Oh, you better care! Hanukkah is a gateway holiday.
If they take that, then they take Thanksgiving, then the 4th of July, then we're left with some crap holiday, like Labor Day! What's wrong with Labor Day? It's quiet and we eat hot dogs! And so my mom swore she'd win Hanukkah.
Meanwhile, I was ready to win over the crowd.
Ow! [Laughs] That's the best.
Still getting used to wearing my shades indoors like the Piano Man.
You're no Piano Man.
Tell that to Jackie, who strongly urged my hot bod to do the talent show.
Come on! What upside-down world are we living in here? How do you have a girlfriend and confidence and a modest amount of popularity? Hello! Pops! He's helped me with all of it.
He's even the one who gave me the idea to serenade Jackie, and like always, he was right.
Wait, you take love advice from our old grandpa who uses an entire tin of cream cheese on one bagel? He helps me every day.
You're just realizing that now? That's why you're always chatting him up? What did you think I was doing? I thought you were trying to get his gold.
He doesn't have any gold.
All old people have gold.
The gold is his wisdom.
- Lame! - Fine.
Pops is lame, and so am I.
Lame or not, Barry couldn't deny Pops had helped me, and so, with great humility, he asked for guidance.
Hey! My bagel! Forget the bagel.
Schmear me with knowledge, old timer.
Wait.
Are you actually coming to me for advice? I realized you made Adam suck way less.
Be my sensei, and I will follow whatever ancient wisdom you have in that tired old frame of yours.
As insulting as that is, why not? I like a good challenge.
I am a challenge.
He was, but my mom faced an even bigger challenge, making sure she didn't lose Hanukkah to the Schwartzes.
Linda, my God, these latkes are to die for! Oh, it was nothing.
She's not one to toot her own horn, but I will Toot-toot! [Chuckling] Am I crazy, or is this actually going well? Oh! Almost forgot.
Presents! Whoa! Whoa, whoa! Wait! Wait, wait.
No one said anything about a gift exchange.
- We didn't bring anything.
- Oh, don't worry.
We just got you a little something, classic first night gift, no big deal.
Holy crap! Streisand tickets? Summer sausage?! Who are you? An indestructible rubber Sony Sports Walkman?! I always get crappy socks on the first night.
Not always! Last year, we forgot about it completely, and then on the fourth night, we were like, "Hanukkah!" Ha! She's wrong.
She's a big stupid liar.
Point is, the holidays are just as special to us.
A savings bond? I can't touch this for 10 years! - So sensible! - Look at that punim! We're like twins! Look at us! Well, look at this! [Laughs] [Sing-song] We're twins, too! Mm! See this? This is the real gift Erica and the Goldbergs here for the holidays.
It's the best! You guys are the best.
Those people are human trash! Come on! All the man did was give you Streisand tickets.
Third row center? Best seats in the house? These people are monsters who will steal our children.
While my mom envisioned a lonely future, Pops was reminding Barry of his epic freshman year talent show routine - Hyah! - when he karate-kicked - his way to glory.
- That was quite a night, huh? It was the first night Lainey noticed me.
Best of my life.
What if I said I could help you top it? You think if I do that show, I can get a new Lainey? If Adam can impress a girl with a serenade, so can you.
And so, Barry took Pops' advice, perhaps a little too literally.
Mr.
Glascott! Oh, my God Oh, my Pop-Tart! Today was my cheat day! I have huge news.
I'm signing up for the talent show.
I know it's last minute, but I will not take "no" for an answer.
And you won't have to.
There's like 14 spots left.
Then consider it your lucky day 'cause you just got yourself your opening act.
Okay, you seem way too fired up about this.
Let me be painfully clear.
This is a holiday talent show.
None of it matters.
Oh, it matters.
This is the game-changer I need to become the most popular kid in high school once again! It's really not.
Honestly, this isn't some high-stakes, life-defining event.
It's just a wasted night.
Then it's up to me to prove you wrong.
No! Do not use me to raise the stakes any further.
Just sign up and move on.
Mr.
Glascott! Big news, I'm gonna sing "We Didn't Start the Fire" at the talent show.
No one cares! What he means to say is you can do anything but that song.
I'm opening the show with it.
You can't just take my song.
I'm just doing as my sensei, Pops, commands.
Pops isn't your sensei.
He's my Jedi Master, and he'd never tell you to do the same song as me! Hey, Barry, heard you were opening the talent show with Billy Joel.
Why, yes, I am, Jamie Weisman.
See you there.
What do you know? It's already working.
How the hell did she already know you were doing the show? It literally just happened.
She knew because Barry woke up early and posted a few fliers around school -- a few hundred.
Balls! "Holiday Talent Show featuring Barry Joel?" Don't worry.
I'm still gonna sing our song.
It's kind of feeling like your brother's song.
It does feel that way.
[Music played] It was the second day of Hanukkah, and my mom had her eyes on the prize, stealing the holiday back from Lou Schwartz.
Thank you so much for seeing me last minute, Dr.
Schwartz.
That's Lou to you.
We're practically family now.
Aww.
Speaking of, I wanted to thank you for last night by hosting you guys for the second night of Hanukkah.
Hold still for drops.
While I do appreciate the offer, night two is a Schwartz family favorite, so we'll be hosting it.
Well, your son already formally RSVP'd.
I cornered him at school, and he signed the response card.
Fine.
You take night two.
We'll do nights three through eight.
Six nights and the closer? Okay, then you can take night four.
The hump day of Hanukkah? How dare you.
How dare me, what? I don't understand why you're so worked up.
Cut the crap, Schwartz! You're trying to steal Hanukkah, and it ain't happening.
Like always, my mom had spiraled out, but this time, she was right.
- Fine! - I knew it! - You got me.
- You are not taking Hanukkah.
Oh! I'm taking it.
I'm taking all the big-ticket holidays, and you can't stop it.
Oh, I'll stop it when I throw the most mind-blowing night two in Hanukkah history! - You'll see.
- Too bad you won't.
What did you do? In a few minutes, your pupils will dilate up real nicely.
Good luck frying up a latke in a hazy blur.
You blinded me from Hanukkah? Yes.
For three whole hours.
You have made a dangerous mistake, Lou Schwartz! Blinding me has only fueled my anger, and I will use my rage to peel more potatoes - than I've ever peeled! - Better watch your fingers.
And you better bring your appetite, 'cause once I sour cream and applesauce up a latke, it is game, set, Hanukkah! [Music played] This is a war you won't win! I already have! As my mom stumbled off to dominate Hanukkah, my brother was mastering Billy Joel's lyrics.
Harry Truman, Doris Day Back before Google, it took patience and a good ear.
Sadly, Barry had neither.
Joe is stallin' Mellor's cough Nose hairs and pro coffee pots Rock your fella, salmonella Chickens say "Bock!" Toy bone, on the phone Tossed panini, yay scones Ben's friend Lew Falls Walk around the block Barf-O, booed a breast Slamma Jamma, crew's Chest Prince is great, paper plates Trouble with Aunt Suzy We didn't start the fire Blah-blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah Blah, blah, blah Blah, blah, blah You get it! What do you think? I think it's amazing.
Do the song exactly like that, pal.
Never let me stand in your way again.
A more insecure man would wonder why he's so pleased.
But I'm not such a man.
Um, Bar, I think you messed up a couple of lyrics there.
Mmm no.
Dude, who's awful idea was this? That'd be me.
I'm his sensei.
Mr.
Grandpa, sir, I would like to go on record and respectfully say that your advice will destroy Barry's life and that you suck at this.
While Pops was regretting the talent show, my mom couldn't wait to show the Schwartzes a real Hanukkah.
[Doorbell rings] Knock, knock! Not sure if you can see us, but we're here! Doesn't matter! I can cook dinner with my eyes closed.
Come on in.
Sorry the place is such a mess.
A mess? Look at this house.
It's like a Hanukkah winter wonderland.
Yeah, what's the deal? We usually just light a candle and get a lame gift, like dental floss.
Stop.
When it comes to the Festival of Lights, the Goldbergs really know how to turn it on.
Wow.
[Chuckles] That is so festive.
And dangerous.
Last thing I'd want is for you to burst into flames so we'd have to host Hanukkah every year.
You know what's even better? Presents! [Chuckles] $100? That's insane! That's what you get when you do Hanukkah here.
Remember that.
And, uh.
we have a gift for Erica.
We do? $32.
And a shammy for your glasses.
Don't be silly.
It's time for dinner.
I hope you have enough room for eight courses.
Prepare your tummies! - Whoa! - Damn! Face it, Schwartz, you're out of your league.
That's it, We settle this the way our people have settled fights for thousands of years.
- In court? - No.
With a game of Dreidel.
Winner takes all eight nights.
And I never lose with my lucky spinning top.
Until now.
Let's light this candle.
[Clicks] ["Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel" plays] [Quietly] Together, we will play [Music played] Hey, kiddo.
I've been thinking about the talent show.
Maybe we should give that little song back to Adam.
No can do.
I already sent Billy Joel the parking directions.
No, that's smart, but I think you'd make a much bigger splash by doing something funny.
But it took me forever to perfectly memorize - every word of that song! - Bup, bup, bup.
You promised to do everything I say, right? Yes.
Forgive me, sensei.
So, what's your idea? The greatest Abbott and Costello routine of all time, guaranteed to kill.
It's a famous skit about the players and their funny names.
It's called "Who's On First?" Who? Exactly! So you know it? - What? - Yes! "What's" on second.
You started this thing! You tell me! Okay.
Let me clear this up.
"Who" is the player.
"Who" is on first.
Why won't you tell me? You know what, I think you're gonna need some visuals.
Then you'll know "Who's On First.
" Who? Okay, now you can clearly visualize where each and every player is.
So, who's on first? Easy.
Von Hayes.
No.
It's Who.
Who is on first.
I just told you, Von Hayes.
I'm not asking you about the Phillies lineup.
I'm telling you.
It's Who! Von Hayes.
Okay, look at me.
Ask me the name of the player on third base.
I don't need to ask you.
It's Mike Schmidt, right? Wrong.
This is "I Don't Know.
" How do you not know Mike Schmidt? He's a Gold Glove winner and a perennial All Star! Barry! Just listen! Who is on first! Who! I'm telling you! Who is the name! And I told you! His name is Don't you dare say Von Hayes! [Muttering] Von Hayes.
[Music played] Okay.
Now we're literally on a baseball field with your friends holding up the names.
It cannot be any clearer.
So, tell me the name of the player on third.
I Don't Know.
Barry, do you really not know or do you know it's I Don't Know.
It's I Don't Know.
And What's on Second.
And Who's on first.
Yes! - Yeah, baby! - Only two hours! - Can we go home now? - One question.
Why is it funny? No one on Earth would name their son Who! - He's right.
- Kind of lame.
Okay, here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna make this actually funny by changing all the names.
Don't change the names.
First base is Mr.
ClownFarts.
Second base is Bob Frapples.
And third base is Giant [bleep]face.
No! Those aren't real names! They're more real than your first baseman, Mr.
Who! It makes no sense! No parent with the last name of [bleep]face would name their child "Giant"! Ever! Then what would they name him? - Josh! - Screw it! I'm going back to being Barry Joel.
Barry, don't do that show.
I'm just trying to protect you here.
- From what? - From yourself! You don't know any of the words to that song, and I can't help you like I did with the karate! What do you mean, help? I swapped in a board made of balsa wood! Balsa wood better be the strongest of all woods.
Bro, it breaks like a Kit-Kat bar.
That better be the strongest of all candy bars.
It's not, dude.
Look, if I didn't actually break that board, then the best night of my life is nothing but a lie.
That's not true, kiddo.
No.
I get it.
Even you can't help me.
I'm unfixable.
As everyone waited for dinner, my mom's plans to win Hanukkah were spinning out of control.
Boom! Squiggly again! Send the bread to Fred, the Schwartzes win.
Okay, double or nothing.
You win, you get Thanksgiving.
- You're on! - Okay.
My turn, I'll spin.
No, no, no.
It's my dreidel! - I'm the spinner! - No, no! Mnh-mnh.
Yes! Squiggly! [Laughs] The Goldbergs are back on the board.
Look at that! You got one.
Game's over.
Happy Hanukkah.
Hey! Hey, wait! Wait! That's six squiggles in a row.
What? - Is this a loaded dreidel? - No! Did you bring a loaded dreidel into my home? There's no such thing.
Is that right? [Music played] [Gasps] You can prove nothing! Okay, what is all the yelling about? I thought we were supposed to have dinner.
- Lou, what is going on? - The kids need to pick! Which one of us is gonna be the fun in-laws you spend all the holidays with? What are you talking about? Why is your shoe off? He was cheating at dreidel! Okay, everybody stop! There is no holiday house! We're just dating! - Pick right now! - Erica, say us.
Say us or I have no daughter.
You have to pick me, Geoffrey, or you're out of my will forever! You know, the whole point of this holiday was for our families to get to know each other.
Yeah.
Thanks for ruining it.
[Music played] ["Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel" plays] My mom may have lost her precious holiday, but I had found my new act for the talent show.
Okay.
What am I looking at here? Not that it's any of your business, but I'm working on a new super-sexy act for the talent show.
Put the scarves away, kiddo.
You can do the Billy Joel song.
What? Barry gave up? Mmm, just on me.
He finally came to me for help, and I let him down.
No, don't do that! Don't make me feel sad for him.
The guy stole my song and my Jedi grandpa.
Kiddo, I've helped you your whole life, and now I need your help.
[Music played] Hey, can we talk about the talent show? Look, if Pops sent you in here, tell him I'm not doing his stupid comedy routine.
Forget about "Who's On First.
" I'm here to tell you to do the song.
Please.
We both know I suck at it.
That's why we're gonna combine your rap skills and showmanship with my greatest talent Audio-visual wizardry.
And so, united by our sensei granddad, me and Barry decided he wouldn't just rap.
He wouldn't just sing.
He'd rap-sing the most important song in our school's history.
[Tune the tune of "We Didn't Startthe Fire"] Barry Goldberg, JTP William Penn Academy Fighting Quakers, North Philly Principal Ball Coach Mellor is good at sports And he wears those tiny shorts Cecil the janitor is mopping up the hall It's true! He mopped up something I spilled this morning! Mr.
Glascott is a nerd Feather Locklear is his bird Miss Tabs habla espanol Lunch lady is really old Mr.
Woodburn is so mean Cinoman's the drama queen Then there's Doc throwin' chalk [Audience cheering] That guy is out of control Burnouts, nerds, and jocks Jamie Weisman's really hot Taz Money, Dave Kim Chad Kremp -- what's up with him? Jackie and my brother Ad My sensei is my granddad Watch me flip this on the floor I can't take it anymore [Cheers and applause] [Music played] Yeah! [Cheers and applause continue] Whooo! Mr.
Glascott! Come quick! It's super-important! No, it's not.
None of this matters.
But Barry started a fire! Dang it! It does matter! It matters real bad! We didn't start the fire Oh.
Hello.
Always burning since the world's been turning Hi.
My wife made you a kugel.
Mmm.
Smells delicious.
You both really know your way around a Hanukkah dish.
Right back at you.
You were right.
Never take on Beverly Goldberg in Hanukkah war.
What do you say we stop worrying about the future and just enjoy the great kids we have right now? I'd love that.
[Chuckles] We didn't start the fire Wha You'll get used to it.
We're family now.
That night, my mom started a new holiday tradition, and Barry didn't just start a fire.
He started his comeback.
And on and on and on and on and on We didn't start the fire It was always burning And as for my mom, she realized the best way to spend the holidays was together.
What's all this? We decided to share the holiday.
There's enough nights to go around.
[Chuckles] In the end, the holidays aren't about the number of nights you have to celebrate.
All that matters is you're together, laughing, eating, and making memories.
[All cheer, laughter] [Ding!] [Music played] Mom! Stop watching me sleep! Can I just get one head sniff? Mom, just say "Night, night.
" Night, night.
I know you're still there! I see the sweater! Fine! I'll go for real! [Door closes] ["Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel" plays] This is my worst nightmare!