The Goldbergs s05e17 Episode Script


1 Back in the '80s, TV gave us some of the most iconic friendships ever.
Ricky had Alfonso.
Natalie had Blair.
Tattoo had Ricardo Montalban.
But the greatest friendships of the decade came from my family.
Barry had his trusted Jenkintown Posse.
I ran with the badass theater geeks.
And we were kings of the school, kinda.
My dad's crew was our dog, Lucky, and his ratty old chair.
Even my mom found a group of friends.
They were a gang of busybody yentas who proudly called themselves the "Frentas.
" They were known for their power-walking, gossiping, and matchmaking.
[Whistle blows] [Chuckles] You are an expert.
Beverly, this match is inspired.
I know.
I dug down deep and pictured myself being thanked at their wedding.
Hey! We're sharing a private, supercharged, erotic moment over here! We've been spotted! Run! Run! And the height of their Frentaship was their weekly brunches.
Guess who brought fresh-cut flowers.
And guess who brought bagels n' schmears.
And guess who brought mimosas.
Come on in! Sunday's funday! [All cheering] [All grunting, groaning] I just punished my insides.
- I got to unbutton.
- Tummy so full.
I'm a ticking time bomb.
What happened to my eggs Florentine, crusty sausage puffs, and fluffy Bevcakes? Oh, that was for you guys? Yes.
Who else would it be for? We just thought someone abandoned a four-person brunch, so we were like, "Let's go to town.
" It's fine.
We can just have the bagels.
- Linda, look out! - [Gasps] They're back! I don't even know how they got here! They're like raccoons! Get! Get! Get! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was March 28, 1980-something, and me and the theater geeks were about to have our worlds rocked.
[Clatter] [Group singing scales] Shut up! Shut up! Shut your tiny mouths! Not to be dramatic, but I have mind-melting news that will change your lives forever! I am talking about "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
" The national tour starring triple threat David Cassidy is coming to Philly.
- Did you get us tickets? - Better.
In each city, they hire local kids to be the children's choir that sings live onstage.
And guess who sent them a tape of last year's Winter Jam and harassed them until they said yes.
- You? - Me! [All cheering] Holy balls! We're gonna tread the boards of the Walnut Street Theatre! I heard the kids in Pittsburgh got to have bios in the "Playbill"! We should dine at restaurants while we can, 'cause soon, we're gonna be mobbed by adoring fans.
All of your expectations are completely reasonable.
Next stop, Broadway! [All cheering] Dad, I have amazing news! All I need is for you to drive me to play rehearsal in downtown Philly during the height of rush hour for the next three months.
Oh, that was the first time I said that out loud.
- Can I go back? - Wait a minute.
This is every day? What about homework? Homework is for people who can't do this.
I'm not gonna have you flunk out 'cause of some goofy play.
Goofy? Okay, let me put this in terms you'll understand.
This would be like if I was asked to do a hockey thing for, like What's the Broadway of hockey? There's clearly no answer that's gonna work for both of us.
Dad, it's totally unfair if you say no.
I mean, you drive Barry to his wrestling matches and hockey games.
Well, that's completely different.
- How? - I like those things.
You see the distinction? While my theater future looked bleak, Barry and his boys were watching their favorite movie, "Colors," the story of gang life and the friendships that survive.
Man, I always thought "Red Dawn" was the most awesome movie about colors, but it's "Colors.
" They're a fiercely loyal group or friends.
They're just like us, ya know? I love you, JTP.
All: JTP.
Oh, man, I feel like I want to hug you guys.
But let's play football instead.
[Giggles] Frentas al fresco.
Does it get any better than this, girls? [Laughs] [All scream] That's pass interference! Essie Karp's big dumb head got in the way! Sweet! Various cheeses.
Oh, yeah.
[All munching] Barry! We're having Sunday Funday in the backyard, so you kids go play in the front yard.
We'll just play at Andy's house.
His awesome mom is always so welcoming and makes the best snacks.
[Whispering] It's Barry's new tactic to bend Bev to his will.
Please! I make mine with love and lots of mayonnaise.
[Whispering] She literally can't stand the idea of being replaced by another mom.
Yeah, but she always makes you feel at home, you know? My body was your home for nine months.
Yeah, so you claim.
Watch the master at work.
Have fun with your pals Mrs.
[Music played] Barry, wait.
Take the backyard.
[Gasps] My real mom's love has brought me back! Oh! Ladies, always a pleasure.
[Sniffs] - JTP! - JTP! [Door closes] Close call.
They almost went to another yard for football.
Bev, we're your best friends.
We help each other out through thick and thin, right? - Of course.
- Then it's our job to tell you that boy manipulates the hell out of you! - Played you like a fiddle.
- Please.
I invented emotional blackmail and guilt.
That's my jam.
Well, then he learned from the best.
Thanks to her friends, my mom realized she was being played.
Meanwhile, a play about Joseph made my friends divas and me the odd man out.
Last night's rehearsal was amazing.
I love how loose we all get as the night wears on.
Yeah, that's when David Cassidy says the magic happens.
Okay, stop the madness! None of you actually know David Cassidy.
Adam! David is a colleague.
I can't have this negativity.
I have to perform tonight, and if I'm not 100%, that's just not fair to the audience.
I'm gonna say something controversial, Adam.
I think you're acting petty 'cause you're jealous.
Of course I am! You're rubbing elbows with the hottest stars of regional theater and getting special treatment at school.
Hey, when we're here, we're just regular students, like everyone else.
Okay! Time for some vocal warm-ups! Of course, those of you who are in "Joseph" can come with me for some hot cocoa in the teachers lounge.
I can't have my stars straining their voices.
Um, what about the rest of us? Oh.
Uh, you have a sub this period.
All right, you musical scrubs! It's my understanding that you guys are the theatrical equivalent of bench riders.
So, I'm gonna whip you into shape with some suicide scales and some voice sprints.
Those aren't real things, Coach.
Also, I should be with the talent, not stuck here with these dirtbags who take choir for an easy "A.
" Why are you never this fired up in gym class? 'Cause I'm a theater geek, Coach, not that you'd ever understand.
[Blows whistle] That's a flag on the assumption! Really? You like musicals? [Stirring music plays] Last month, my lady love, Ms.
Cinoman, dragged me to a community college for an evening of theater.
I had prepared myself for a night of misery, when out of nowhere, this troupe of cats came crawling down the aisle.
They were singing, dancing, with their athletic thighs and their gymnastic voices.
I wish I could remember what that show was called.
[Music stops] "Cats.
" No.
That's not it.
It'll come to me.
The point is, that was the night my love for musical theater was born.
That's it! If I can get my dad to see "Joseph," then he'll turn into a theater geek and finally get me! All it took for me was seeing one dancing cat show.
I think it was called "Pets.
" "Cats"! It's called "Cats"! All right, smarty pants! Drop and give me 20! 20 what? Monologues.
Stage laps.
No, wait! Vocal tongue twisters! Move it! Mommy made me mash my M&Ms.
Mommy made me mash my M&Ms.
Mommy made me mash my M&Ms.
As my theater dreams crumbled, my mom and the Frentas were standing strong against Barry.
Aw, Bar? The moms are back, and this time they have Donkey Kong hammers.
Mom, today's the JTP Bowl! Go play your lady golf somewhere else.
And so the great Goldberg turf war began, and only one gang of friends would be left standing.
[Chuckles] Sorry, Pickle.
Your end zone is now our brunch zone.
Then we'll all go play at Naked Rob's house.
His awesome mother always greets us with Ecto Coolers, Pringles, and hugs.
Once again, Barry used his latest technique of emotional manipulation to trap my mom.
But for the first time ever, she didn't take the bait.
[Chuckles] You were cutting it close there.
We were about to head over to Mrs.
Naked's house.
Say "hi" to the Nakeds for me.
But, you're supposed to beg me to stay and try to match or beat the snack offer of Pringles.
Well, my friends made me realize you've been playing me.
Well, you know what I think? Those "friends" of yours are a bad influence! Please! You don't even know 'em! Believe me, I've lived a long time.
I know a bad apple when I see one! Pfft! I can be friends with whoever I want! Don't you walk away from me, Young Lady Mom! Okay, I'm putting my foot down.
This is our yard, so please go! Your yard? Oh, no, honey.
This yard belongs to us now.
Let's make one thing clear.
This turf belongs to the JTP.
JTP! Only turf I see belongs to us.
- Ain't that right, Frentas? - Frentas! Oh, no.
They did a call-and-response.
Took us years to get there.
Here's an idea.
Why don't you run inside and fix Essie a fresh mamose.
You hear that, JTP? They think we work for them! [Laughter] No, bro.
It's two parts O.
to one part champagne.
Okay, everyone stop! What is going on right now? Seems like your mom turned the tables on you 'cause her friends helped her learn and grow.
Well, then, we must seek guidance from the only person who knows how to outsmart Beverly Goldberg My sister, Erica.
So no Erica? At all? That is all we're gonna get.
But I was really looking forward to seeing her this week.
Well, if you think about it, she's off at college, so it really makes no sense why she'd be involved in any of this.
So, now what? Now we take our yard back.
We're in a real-life turf war, JTP, two rival gangs going head-to-head, just like in that movie "Colors.
" I don't think this is anything like that.
We were there first, and they came and took our backyard.
What's different? "Colors" is an incredibly real and poignant movie about socioeconomic factors that created a political tinderbox within Now you get it! We're in a real-life war, just like in that movie "Colors.
" Guys, we live in the suburbs of Jenkintown.
It's super offensive to compare our Bro, just get on board.
He's not letting this one go.
We're in a turf war.
- "Colors"! - "Colors"! - "Colors"! - "Colors"! "Colors," I guess.
I was on a mission to make my dad a theater geek.
But there was only one way to get him to actually watch a musical lie! Dad, I have amazing news! You say that a lot, but it never pans out.
Then I guess I can't interest you in these hockey sport tickets! Wait.
You got us Flyers tickets? It does say that on the envelope, so yes.
The two of us together? Listen, I'm always pushing you to understand my stuff, so, for once, I thought it'd be cool for you Whoa! Thank you.
This means everything.
- Oh, boy.
- All my life, the only way I knew how to connect with other people was through sports.
A hug.
That's unexpected.
And when I realized you had no interest This is a really long hug.
I just didn't know how to get close.
But now I can! The important thing is, I bought us tickets to something.
Doesn't matter what.
You know, once you discover the magic of hockey, then you'll see what I see, and you'll become a true puck head.
Kind of like how seeing a musical could turn you into a theater geek? [Laughs] You know, normally, I don't get your jokes, but it's already working! Oh-oh-oh, man.
I am so looking forward to this hockey game.
Me too! Mmmmmwah! This is a really long hug.
Coach! My plan backfired, and now if I don't take my dad to the Flyers, I'll break his heart! I'm on my shake break.
Don't you have any other friends you can talk to? They're all in "Joseph.
" Please help me find sports tickets.
What's the TKTS of hockey? All right, I'm gonna help you out here.
I share season tickets to the Flyers with 16 other gym teachers.
You'd do that for me? No.
I'd do it for my lady love, Ms.
This musical is her creative vision, and I got to support it.
All she did was send in a tape.
I think you and I both know she's the heart of this show.
[Gulping] So much egg, beets thick.
Thanks to Mellor, I scored some hockey tickets.
Meanwhile, Barry was evening the score with the Frentas.
It's now or never, boys.
We're not just at war for our turf, we're at war for our honor.
Again, there is no war Just a minor disagreement with your mother.
And we're taking that mother down.
Colors, colors, colors, colors, colors I am a nightmare walkin', psychopath talkin' King of my jungle, just a gangster stalkin' Livin' life like a firecracker Quick is my fuse Then dead as a death pack, the colors I choose Red or Blue, Cuz or Blood, it just don't matter Sucka die for your life when my shotgun scatters Colors The gangs of L.
will never die Just multiply, colors Colors, colors You guys lose something? Like your turf? JTP! All: JTP! Colors, colors Colors, colors, colors Ladies, choose your weapons.
Colors, colors My pants are saggin', braided hair Suckas stare, but I don't care My game ain't knowledge, my game's fear I've no remorse, so squares beware But my true mission is just revenge You ain't in my set, you ain't my friend Wear the wrong color, your life could end Uh, Bar? I think we lost the turf war.
Colors, colors, colors Colors, colors What am I looking at right now? It's a gazebo.
And that's French for "Eat [bleep].
" [Laughs] - Ouch.
- It's over.
- Told you.
- Incredible craftsmanship.
Colors [Organ music plays] I am so jealous of you, your first hockey game.
[Chuckles] There's nothing like it! Must be like opening night at the theater.
Not that you would know.
Yeah, I was super bummed to be watching ice sports instead of toe-tapping musical theater.
But then something magical happened.
So fast and effortless.
That's Tim Kerr, left wing.
He's like the Ben Vereen of skating.
Go, go, go! I discovered hockey kicks ass! Ohh! You suck, Winnipeg Jets! Oh, my God, they're the Jets! It's like "West Side Story" on ice! Thanks to my dad, I became a true hockey nut Standing ovation! Standing ovation! with a lot to learn.
Oh, yeah! The gloves are coming off! I love hockey! I love hockey! Now I know why Barry never takes off this dumb Flyers shirt.
It's like I'm part of the team, and I want everyone to know it.
I can't take it.
This is too much, too fast.
I'm gonna give you a hug! [Chuckles] And you know what's even better? When you go to "Joseph" and I teach you about what I love! WazdaJoseph? We just learned something incredible.
I tried your thing, which I thought I would hate, - but I loved it! - That's true.
Think about it like this.
How did you feel when Dave Brown was sent to the box for cross- checking when we already had the power play? I was on the edge of my seat.
And that's how you'll feel when Potifar unfairly jails Joseph.
I can't believe that analogy completely makes sense to me.
'Cause I love hockey.
We can communicate now.
See how important this is? Okay! I'll go see the thing.
- To the theater! - I'm gonna give you a hug! I'm gonna let ya! Okay, JTP.
Today, we face a rival gang the likes of which we've never seen.
They're crafty, they're pushy, they're old.
What do we do? I got it! Moms love laundry, right? So we bring in a basket of clothes and have them fight over who gets to fold it.
Or we tell them the floor's dirty, watch them scrap over who gets to mop it to a brilliant shine.
Or we say only one of them has the privilege of making us an afternoon snack, and then we watch them fight.
Um, guys? Your plan is predicated on the idea that these moms love cooking and cleaning, and I don't think they do.
Buzzkill Bradley strikes again.
What does "predicated" even mean? You suck! All right, fine.
Just do Just do the laundry thing! You realize those boys are upstairs right now, plotting against us? Let them try.
We're inseparable.
I am so glad that you finally stood up for yourself, Beverly.
Oh, well, that's all thanks to you guys.
No! You deserve the credit for putting that bratty little jerk in his place.
[Chuckling] Whoa! Okay.
Let's not go crazy.
Essie's right Barry can act like a bit of a poop head sometimes.
My child's head is not made of poop, Ginzy.
I mean, do you ever hear me call your son a dirty man-tramp? 'Cause he so is one.
How dare you.
Drew is a gentleman.
Girls, stop.
Let's just agree that both of your sons are meh at best.
Oh, please, Linda.
Your precious little Geoffy is part of this, too.
Well, that's just Barry's bad influence.
[Indistinct arguing] And so they all broke the cardinal rule of Frentaship, never rip on someone else's child.
Baaad news, ladies! We got a lot of laundry, and only one of you gets to fold it.
I'm sorry.
No, that's fine, Barry.
They were just leaving.
- Fine by me.
- Perfect! These bubbles are mine! [Door slams] What just happened? I can't have people in my life who disrespect my kids.
The yard's all yours.
Have fun with your friends.
Does anyone else feel really bad right now? - Yeah.
- I do.
Doesn't feel so good to win a turf war.
It's really nothing like it.
You've got to shut up.
It's not Now that I shared my dad's love of hockey, it was time for him to fall in love with the glory that is musical theater.
Man, I am so jealous of you right now, your first musical.
There's nothing like it.
You know what? I think this won't be so bad.
With that, Andrew Lloyd Webber's opus began, and my dad was totally digging it for about 10 seconds.
After that, he was squirming.
These seats are so small.
It's worse than an airplane.
And he was hungry.
Let me do it.
And finally, he was sleepy.
Very, very incredibly sleepy.
Dad! Wake up! It's the curtain call! Ah.
Let's go.
Never again.
That was so boring! I've never felt such exhaustion in my life.
Exhaustion?! You slept through half the show and missed all the best Pharaoh songs! That's another thing What's with all the singing? It's a musical! Who sings that much? Who does that? Just think.
There had to be something that you liked.
Yeah, that part in the middle where I thought it was over.
The intermission?! What do you want from me?! I don't get theater, Adam.
[Sighs] Then you don't get me.
So, theater wasn't my dad's thing.
But seeing me so hurt made him do something I never thought was possible.
Class, a very angry parent has informed me that some of you felt excluded from the "Joseph" tour.
So, to make it right, I hereby change the school musical to "Joseph" instead of "Cats.
" [Laughter] "Cats"! That's the title! My coat of many colors, please.
It's got sleeves, if you want to use them.
I'm fine.
I closed my eyes Drew back the curtain To see for certain What I thought I knew Dad, wait! You got her to do "Joseph"? But you didn't even like it.
For sure.
But you finally got me to see how much it means to you.
I did? How? I guess now we're speaking the same language.
I, uh I'm gonna hug you now.
Again? We already hugged twice this week.
Well, now it's a hat trick.
Wonderful and new Hey.
Shouldn't you be out brunching, croqueting, or power-walking? Well, that's not very fun when you're alone.
Mom, don't be mad at your friends for calling me out.
They only did that 'cause they care about you.
I know.
But after that fight there's just no turning back.
Then I guess now you can only move forward.
A flash of light My golden coat Wow.
I can't believe you all came back.
Well, Barry made us realize that nothing comes between friends.
I thought you said they were a bad influence.
And that's why they're great for you.
May I return [Laughter] To the beginning Thanks to Barry, my mom had her crew back, and the great Goldberg turf war came to a close.
To be clear, it was nothing like the movie "Colors.
" But in my world, a coat of many colors was more alive than ever.
That's my son! Look at him bow! Look at him go! Sure, my dad never did grow to love the theater, but when the cast was just right, he was finally able to change his tune.
'Cause when you got family and friends by your side, life truly is a journey worth taking.
Any dream will do Which of you is most like your TV counterpart? - Andy Cogan.
- Yeah, it's me.
[Ding] Mine's too good-looking, 'cause I'm ugly.
[Ding] Yes, I was the one who always got the girls, so I always got good dates.
[Ding] But he is sensitive and loyal, which I am sensitive and loyal.
And I get naked.