The Goldbergs s05e20 Episode Script

The Opportunity of a Lifetime

1 Oh, Baseball.
America's pastime.
Growing up, My brother, Barry, was one of those kids whose dream was to take the mound at Veterans Stadium.
And then, one day, he got an actual shot to become a Philadelphia Philly, thanks to one of the greatest gimmicks of the '80s, the radio call-in contest.
Angelo Cataldi here with the opportunity of a lifetime, the 100th caller throws out the first pitch at the Phillies game.
Lucky, Adam, thank you for joining me.
Today, Big Tasty wins the most coveted prize in AM radio.
You do realize these are virtually impossible to win, right? Not when you invented a top-secret formula that guarantees me to be the 100th caller.
Seriously? How? Two words, Math matics.
Just hit caller 85.
So close.
It's 1.
7 seconds per call, so if I multiply the amount of callers by the rate of calls, then I dial them up in exactly Dial right now! Don't wait another second! - 37 minutes.
- Yeah, that's not right.
Just hit caller 90.
You should call right now! You dare question my Texas Instruments?! It's from Texas.
That's where NASA is, bro! Caller 95! Get off your ass and call! Now we just sit and wait, Lucky.
Congrats.
You're the 100th caller.
What?! That's impossible! What's your name, and where you from? Adam Goldberg.
I'm from Jenkintown.
Oh, no.
This is amazing.
I've literally never won anything.
What the hell are you doing?! Yeah, I'll hold.
Just stole your stupid baseball pitch.
You can't, dude! This pitch is an opportunity - of a lifetime! - How? 'Cause once the Phillies see my flamethrower, they'll give me a brand-new Mustang as a signing bonus.
Aww, that's a shame, 'cause instead, you get to watch me.
Please, I'll give you anything you want.
- Go on.
- My Sports Illustrated - football phone.
- No.
A Rubik's Cube with all the stickers - taken off so you always win.
- No.
- A leaf that looks like a boob.
- Nope.
This incredibly stretched-out Coke bottle - filled with colored sand.
- Nah.
- A limited-edition butt mug.
- Pass.
Super Madball Touchdown - Terror football.
- Unh-unh.
This awesome drawing I made of a leopard.
Do better.
My prized Kathy Ireland poster personally autographed to me.
You misspelled "Kathy".
Final offer Whenever Mom tries to snuggle you in any way, I will act as a human shield to protect.
Now that I'll take.
- Ha, sucker.
- Oh, yeah? Hey, Mama.
Those vanilla-chunk cookies smell amazing.
You know what else is an amazing vanilla chunk? You.
[Chuckles] Not on my watch.
Barry, no.
This neck nuzzle is for Adam.
Well, you have no choice but to nuzzle my neck instead.
Well, that's an unexpected win-win.
Aah! Don't doubt yourself, Barry.
Do it for the Phillies.
This is so worth it.
[Laughs] This really is! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was May 2, 1980-something, and Erica was showing her best friend, Lainey, around the greatest place on Earth.
Seriously, college is the best.
My classes are, like, so interesting.
Mine, too.
I'm always like, "I did not know that.
" I love the parties and meeting smart people and living with my roommate, who is awesome.
[Scoffs] Tell me about it.
I love my roommate, The Raven.
- The what? - It's her Wiccan name.
She's so cool and artsy and chain smokes and flicks the ashes at me while I sleep.
Yeah, she doesn't sound great.
That's 'cause she's not! She's horrible and scary! And I hate her and everything else at college.
- Well, thank God.
- Me too! - Really? - Yes! I only said that college is the best because you seemed really positive about it.
Oh, no.
Fashion school was such a mistake.
I like buying clothes and the wearing them part, but making my own stuff sucks 'cause I have to do the sewing.
You know what's worse? I came here to play music, but all they make me do is read these big, boring textbooks about it.
- You could sue.
- For sure! I'm not a lawyer, but I have a real case here.
God, I miss high school so much.
You and me, singing in my room, dreaming of being stars.
We were so young last year.
Such a happy time.
Honestly, I wish we could just forget about college, start a band, and have fun again.
- Then let's do it.
- Do what? Lainey, we're adults now.
We can do whatever the hell we want.
Yeah, I don't think I can just blow off school to start a band.
I have a mid-term project due next week.
So? I have a music theory final tomorrow and I haven't even cracked open this giant book.
Is this really happening? Are we blowing off school to become a rock-'n'-roll super-group? We'll be like Joan Jett meets The Bangles.
- Meets Madonna.
- Obviously! All we need now is a kick-ass lady drummer.
Ooh, that's gonna be hard to find.
- I'll do it.
- Wait, really? I thought you were an Art History major.
My stupid mom forced me to take marching band in middle school.
So you still play? No, but I air-drum to Genesis, like, all the time and I'm, like, sick at it.
Okay, we got our drummer! It's fate! Seriously, what are the chances you end up with a roommate who likes the idea of drumming? This literally can't fail.
Dude, look at her go! That probably sounds amazing.
And so, my sister happily threw away her college education.
Meanwhile, my dad was about to learn that Barry was one throw away from baseball glory.
Father! In preparation for my pitch at the Vet, it is essential I have a top-of-the-line radar gun that clocks my explosive fastball.
How are you throwing out the first pitch at a Phillies game? W.
I.
P.
call-in contest.
My boy's throwing out the first pitch? Here, take my card.
Buy whatever you need.
I cannot wait to show Mike Schmidt the nasty aspirin tablet I fire-hose in there! You only have one chance to dazzle the Phillies with your arm.
Am I right? That's what I was thinking 'cause there is a world where they see my bazooka and I immediately get a contract and uniform.
65,000 people at the Vet are gonna see that flamethrower of yours.
I'm sorry.
I was just deturding some shrimp and I couldn't help but overhear.
65,000 people? This is the opportunity of a lifetime.
My boy's gonna make the Goldberg name proud.
I won't let you down, Dad.
I'm gonna bring the thunder.
I cannot believe you're gonna be standing on the same grass with Mike Schmidt.
It's too much! "Same grass"? We're gonna be on the same team.
Can you imagine sharing a locker room with Schmidty? I'll grow a sweet moustache to match his and then we'll date twin weather girls.
Promise me you'll grow a 'stache.
Promise! [Laughs] Murray, are you sure about this? You know how Barry caves under the slightest pressure.
I played baseball in high school.
Barry's got this.
That makes no sense! One thing has nothing to do with the other.
Every day, my moron kids come in here asking me for money for the dumbest of dreams.
Finally, I found one I can get behind.
But you don't actually believe that Barry will be scouted onto the Phillies.
Of course not, but you never know.
- So you do think so? - Not a chance! Unless it happens.
Okay, kind of giving me mixed signals here.
Listen to my words.
I know Barry will never play for the Phillies, although crazier things have happened.
[Laughs] For the first time ever, my mom was doubting one of her precious children.
As for Erica, she was certain of her rock-'n'-roll destiny.
A-one, two.
A-one, two, three, four.
[Screaming] That's sounded awesome, guys! That's, like, a totally tight intro.
What a crazy-productive first day.
I mean, we decided on our look.
Super-feminine but tough.
And our band name, "The Tangles".
It, like, captures who we are, but also doesn't, at all.
Now all that's left is the easy part, writing a totally original hit song that changes rock 'n' roll forever.
Actually, I've been working on a little riff.
Let's hear it.
[Similar riff of Joan Jett's "I Love Rock 'n Roll"] Keep going.
I think I got something.
I enjoy rockin' out So put another tape in the boom box, baby Within seconds, The Tangles stumbled upon an epic hit.
But in their excitement, no one realized how shockingly similar it was to a little song written by Joan Jett.
I like rockin' out So come on over and jam with me [Shrieks] I have chills! Oh, my God.
Am I crazy, or is this a hit song? Oh, my God.
You are not crazy.
It's bad-ass Like, oh, my God! and totally defines The Tangles.
Okay, I wasn't gonna mention this in case we sucked, but now that we're amazing, I think it's time I make a call and get us a gig at CBGB's.
- What?! - What?! My Uncle Louie's a bookie who knows the booker.
Your uncle's the booker's bookie at the grittiest rock club in the world? Guys, playing New York has been my dream ever since we got together this morning.
We got to make a bunch of fliers and rent a van for all our gear.
Plus we need to make some super-cute merch that our fans will demand.
We're gonna need money and lots of it.
I'll cash in my meal card.
It's like every decision we make continues to be perfect.
Ooh, Tangles forever! Let's go.
Look that ball in the face and catch it! - No flinching! - Rick, we need to talk.
Lemme guess.
Barry's throwing out the first pitch and you're worried.
- Oh, you know about the pitch? - Everyone does.
He got on the P.
A.
and assured us we'd all be forgotten when he becomes a Major League star.
Well, he is throwing out a ball in front of Mike Schmidt, so There's a small chance, right? Wrong.
You see that boy right there? That's Rubin Amaro Jr.
, baseball star, recruited nationally and currently dominating seven of his peers with the sheer power of his rifle arm.
[Groans] And yet his chances of making it to the pros are almost zero.
Wait, what? If anybody can do it, it's you, Rubin! So if Rubin might not be a Philly, what's the best case for Barry here? Best case? Barry uncorks a wild pitch and blinds a peanut vendor.
I don't get it.
Murray usually destroys the kids' dreams, but for some reason, this one time, he's on board.
Well, unfortunately, your husband is suffering from what we in the athletic community call "sports goggles.
" I heard something crack inside of me.
Oh! "Sports goggles" are when a father gets so swept up by the promise of his son's athleticism, he's unable to see his own child's limitations.
Interesting.
I have never heard of that.
Well, it's not unlike the thick "mom goggles" that you strap on every day that prevents you from seeing the staggering mediocrity of your children.
Please.
I would never be so blind as to think that Barry could become a Philly.
A professional model, sure, or doctor or doctor-model.
The point is, you got to get those sports goggles off your husband.
But how? This is the first time I've ever seen that light in his eyes.
If you really love your son, you better figure out a way to snuff that light out.
I'd like to go back to band now.
No flinching! My mom was determined to protect Barry from becoming a laughingstock, and so began her mission to shut down the big pitch.
Murray, we have a major issue we have to talk about right now.
Sure thing.
Just need another 20 minutes for the lotion to settle in.
What am I looking at? Why is this happening? My pitching coach is loosening up the 'ol slingshot so I can show Tug McGraw what's what.
And you're gonna be doing it in style.
[Gasps, laughs] Is that what I think it is?! A Phillies jersey? I can't wait to call all my friends and tell them.
- It's nothing.
- No, Dad.
You made me the happiest boy in the world.
You know, I always had a dream Mur? Really gotta talk.
to one day pitch for the Phillies - and that never happened.
- Really gotta talk.
And now, with you? You never know.
We don't know, do we? And that's why I'm here.
I have some information that suggests we know more than we think we do Oh, God, I see Murray tears.
[Crying] I can't help it! No, don't you cry.
If you cry, I'll cry.
I'm just so damn proud.
You know what? Talk to your mom.
Let me get my bearings.
I just I wanted to tell Barry, uh [Quietly] Don't pitch.
Did you just call me a "dumb bitch"? No, I said "don't pitch.
" What? That's even worse! Look, I spoke to Coach Mellor.
He said the most likely outcome here is that you'll be a city-wide pariah.
[Gasps] The fish that have teeth? Yes! They're the sharks of the river.
Not "piranha," Barry.
I'm saying you'll be a laughingstock.
Wow! This is just so typical of you.
Beverly Goldberg, always stepping on her kids' dreams.
No, I do the opposite! Everyone knows that! Murray, back me up here.
I have to side with Bar on this one.
You know, if I don't support his talent, then I have failed as a father.
No! That's the thing that I say.
"I failed as a mother.
" You said it, not me.
What's up, Manhattan?! We are The Tangles! Whoo! I'm dating the lead singer and I took a bus up here at the drop of a hat 'cause I wanted to be supportive! - We're gonna play now.
- I love you.
A-two, three, four! I'm out here livin' on my own And it's the dream Nobody screaming at me to keep my bedroom clean With that, The Tangles unleashed their hit single.
It was catchy, it was rocking, and it was already a Joan Jett song.
I enjoy rockin' out So put another tape in the boom box, baby I enjoy rockin' out So let's go to Sam Goody and buy a CD [Feedback] You gotta stop.
Is it 'cause we're too good? Are you gonna sign us right here in the middle of the song? No.
This club has a strict policy.
- No cover bands.
- What? But this is a totally original song that we wrote ourselves.
Uh, babe.
You know I totally love everything you do, but that was clearly "I Love Rock n' Roll".
No way! That songs goes "I love rock 'n' roll" So put another dime in the jukebox, baby" Ours goes I enjoy rockin' out So put another tape in the boombox Oh, wow.
We ripped off Joan Jett.
Yeah.
That's why it sounded so familiar.
Okay, well that happens, but you know what? We promise, there is no band as groundbreaking as The Tangles.
I agree.
Now that you say it out loud, our name sounds a lot like The Bangles.
- Also true.
- Okay.
Well, aside from ripping off our song and name, our style and look is totally original.
You do realize that you're all dressed like Madonna, right? You're supposed to be on our side, Uncle Louie! Just play something else.
Stop pressuring us.
I am freaking out.
Okay, don't freak out.
We got this, girls.
Two, three, four.
We got nothin'.
I love you.
As The Tangles flamed out, my brother's baseball career was heating up and that meant locking down the perfect look for his Topps trading card.
But not everyone around him was stoking the flames.
Whatcha boys doing? We're working on some poses for our rookie baseball card.
I like the stance.
Very rugged.
Bup, bup, only people who believe in me are allowed to comment on how rugged this stance is.
About that.
I'm sorry I panicked.
Of course I believe in you, boopie.
In fact, I bought you some balls so Mama can see that arm cannon.
All right, 17.
Go get your glove.
Wow, we haven't had a game of catch since I got kicked out of T-ball for throwing the bat.
Ooh! You put some hot sauce on that one.
Here comes some cheese with extra hot sauce.
See, Bevy? Kid's a natural.
He really is.
You know, I cannot wait to watch you pitch from 60 feet, 6 inches.
Why would we do that? 'Cause that's how far the mound is from home plate.
I thought they just threw from where it feels right.
Come on.
You got this.
Back it up.
Okay.
Go back a little further, schmoopie.
Okay, halfway there.
Ah, keep going.
Almost there.
And stop.
Oh, I forgot I marked it with tape.
[Chuckles] Anyway, let 'er rip! Man, looks closer on TV! You got this, 17! Smoke it in here! Let's go! Oop.
[Thud] It's got the height! I just need control! - Just a warm-up.
- Are you sure it's this far?! Kind of seems like it'd be very taxing on a pitcher's arm! No, that's right.
I looked it up in the library.
Okay.
Here comes the heat for real this time.
[Glass shatters] This is bad.
Yes, it is.
Whoo! [Laughs] When I throw, I feel God's power! We can't let him do this.
We're [bleep] Ooh.
My dad finally saw the light.
As for The Tangles, they were facing their dark future.
I don't know what's worse.
The fact that we bombed so hard or the fact that we blew all our money on merch.
Way to make a splash, rock stars! Geoff, I love you, but please don't try to spin this disaster.
Okay, so you got a little ambitious, but forget about the merch.
At the end of the day, you're still in college with a roof over your head and food in your tummy.
I cashed in my meal plan.
Uh-huh, that makes sense, but why would you do that? But it's fine because it's all about the sacrifice.
Just ask The Beatles.
We failed out, which at the time made sense because we were gonna be rock stars.
Say what now? [Tires screech] And someone stole the van.
We are not good at this.
My dad was desperate to protect Barry, so he turned to a seasoned athletic scrub, me.
Hey, pal.
Looking spry.
It's a Power Pad.
Look at my son, the sports nut.
It's more like tap-dancing than sports.
So it's settled.
You're gonna take the pitch from Barry.
Good talking to you, pal.
Whoa! Stop! What? I can't throw an actual ball in public.
Come on.
It's the opportunity of a lifetime.
An opportunity of a lifetime I don't want.
Mom, help me out! Don't make me do this opportunity of a lifetime, please.
So help me, if you don't take this opportunity of a lifetime, I will ground you.
Okay, I cannot stand by and let this opportunity of a lifetime tear this family apart.
Let's just give this godforsaken opportunity of a lifetime back.
You can't just give it back.
It's the opportunity of a lifetime.
Opportunity of a lifetime? I'm intrigued.
Great.
Al will throw out the first pitch at the Phillies' game.
Oh, God, no.
What kind of a ferkokte opportunity is this? Barry, you like baseball.
Have I got an opportunity of a lifetime for you.
Are you trying to give away my opportunity of a lifetime? Come on, Bar.
We both know all that stuff was just talk.
But I promised I'd make you proud.
I just don't want to see you get hurt.
Too late.
[Playing music] You know, even though we totally bombed and threw away our futures and have no money to get home, these past few days have been the most fun that I've had since going to college.
It really was like the old days, huh? Totally if I were there.
Oh.
Oh, I'm not No, you are.
I mean, we are.
Be generous if you like what you hear.
Beat was going strong, playing my favorite song What are you doing? Getting us home.
I could tell it wouldn't be long Till he was with me, yeah, me Singing I love rock 'n' roll So put another dime in the jukebox, baby I love rock 'n' roll So come and take your time and dance with me [Music played] What are you doing? Just getting rid of this old junk.
Old junk? The Philly Phanatic? You used to take this with you everywhere.
I was a dumb kid back then.
You do realize that if you throw out the pitch, you'll meet this goofy green bastard in person.
Come on, we all saw what happens when I try to throw the heat.
Look, it's my fault.
This whole baseball thing made me feel like a kid again and [Sighs] It was It was great.
I was living through my boy, but I took it too far.
Oh, hey.
I was just walking by.
Whatcha guys talking about? How Dad believed in me too much and you didn't believe in me at all.
Well, that was a shocking change of pace, and I'm sorry.
But the truth is, it doesn't matter how we feel about the pitch.
What matters is that you go for it.
Just toss the ball around and have fun.
Now that I can do.
Turns out, that pitch was the opportunity of a lifetime.
It wouldn't make Barry a Philly, but it did get him playing catch with my dad again.
I love rock 'n' roll So put another dime in the jukebox, baby I love rock 'n' roll So come on, take the time and dance with me I'm gonna make you proud, Dad.
You already have.
Sure, I had one of those dads who wasn't much of a dreamer, but thanks to my brother, for one night, he got to be.
There it is.
He lobbed it right in there.
He was so good! Oh, he's a natural! He didn't even throw from the mound.
They're gonna sign him! They're gonna sign my baby! Just let her have this.
- He's a pro all right! - Yes! So come on, take your time and dance with me Wow, this seems like more than enough money for you to get back to school.
Oh, I'm not going back.
This right here? This is what I want to do.
Well, you're not doing it alone.
Screw it! I'm in! Ahh! I love rock 'n' roll It was official.
Erica was dropping out to chase her rock-'n'-roll fantasies.
That's the thing about dreaming big If you believe just enough, you can make anything a reality.
Throwing out a ceremonial first ball is Barry Goldberg.
Can you imagine, though, growing up here and you get to throw out a first pitch? No question.
From the Philadelphia Phillies, Michael Schmidt! You're throwing out a first pitch to the greatest Philly that ever lived.
I think the greatest thing about that first pitch is Barry saying, "That's Mike Schmidt.
" [Laughter] I tell you what, give him credit, too.