The Goldbergs s06e02 Episode Script

1 Back in the '80s, there was nothing my mom loved more than cooking her way into her family's heart, from her ooey, gooey potato casserole to whatever this thing is.
But her signature move was the art of Parming, featuring her legendary dish of choice.
Shrimp Parm.
Shrimp Parm.
Unlike my mom, Barry and his fiance, Lainey, were happy to leave the cooking to a microwave.
Aww.
Look at you two.
Snuggled up on the couch.
And what the hell is that? Oh, I made us Hungry-Man dinners.
I'm hungry.
I'm a man.
It lines up.
Well, that was so thoughtful of you to make Barry a delightful mix of mystery meat and radiation.
Thank you.
I think? Sweetie, I know you grew up in a lawless, broken home, but these frozen, compartment-based dinners are unacceptable for Barry, no offense.
You can't just tag "no offense" on the end of something horribly offensive and act like it's okay.
It's just that Barry requires a real home-cooked dinner fit for a boy-king.
As his future wife, that responsibility falls on you.
And every creepy thing you just said is the reason why your boy is so broken, no offense.
Hey.
Your thing does work.
Okay, I wasn't gonna do this, but your resistance shows me that it's time.
Everybody in the kitchen! Family history is about to take place! The others will be down in a minute.
They'd be crushed to miss this.
Family presentation! Down here, now! They clearly don't care, but I'm jazzed! What's the big news? Lainey, we are gathered here today in front of parts of my entire family for the bequeathing of our family's most prized possession.
It was true.
This really was the biggest deal in the world, to my mom and no one else.
Oh.
Recipes? The keys to Barry's happiness are in this box.
You're welcome.
Speech! Speech! Speech! Uh, thanks a ton.
And Food is family? Very nice.
Very nice try.
While I appreciate the gesture, I just don't see myself cooking for Barry, like, ever.
That is the single most upsetting thing I've ever heard, so take the box.
Thanks, but I really won't use the box, so I kinda don't need the box.
Well, I don't need the box.
I've got the box memorized, so take the box.
Just take the box! Fine! I'll take the box! Yay! My Schmoopy-in-law wants the box! - Oh! - Speech! Speech, speech! My Barry's in such good hands.
I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was September 1980-something, a brand-new year of school with my same old, awesome friends.
Hey, dumb-ass.
Still a dumb-ass? You know it, Muscles.
Dave Kim, see you're still rocking the turtleneck.
I was thinking of making the switch to a mock turtleneck, but why change what works? Adam! Jackie?! Turns out, there was one person who changed a ton over the summer, my sci-fi-loving, theater-geek girlfriend, Jackie Geary.
- I missed you so much! - Me too.
Ow! Something sharp stabbed my torso! Sorry, safety pin.
Don't you just love this jacket? I got it at a thrift shop in the Village.
What happened to the crushed velvet cloak I found you at the Ren Faire? Kinda got swampy in the subway.
You went on the subway? But that's where breakdancing gangs shake you down for cash! Turns out, "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo" lied to us.
I had the best time exploring the city.
Next year, you have to do the NYU summer program.
You won't regret it.
Yeah, my mom said I can never live in New York, 'cause the pigeons are too aggressive and the poisonous air-conditioner juice from apartments drips on your head as you walk.
Dude, I discovered all this cool new music and clothes and made tons of new friends.
Speaking of - 'Sup, skank? - Carla?! This special and terrifying person's now your friend? Well, when I first got there, I didn't know anyone, and then I saw Carla, and I was like, "Ah, crap, it's Carla.
She's probably gonna make fun of my face and then tell everyone I'm a total nerd.
" And I totally did.
But then Jack Attack let me borrow her hairbrush, and I was like, "You're my best friend now.
" She kicked a rat for me.
Well, it sounds like you and Jack Attack had a good time.
Ooh, talk later! Save me a spot at lunch! Dude, is it me or did your lady go away for the summer and come back a totally different person? Sure, Jackie didn't look the same, but that didn't matter to me, 'cause we still loved the same nerdy stuff.
- Boom! - No way! You got us tickets for the school Bazaar-nival! That's right.
One part bazaar, one part carnival.
Two parts fun.
You're so cute.
Are you swooning at a Bazaar-nival? It's our special thing since we had our first kiss on the bumper cars.
That's how I chipped my tooth.
It was a magical time.
So jealous.
- So, I'll pick you up Saturday night? - Saturday? Oh, man, Carla and I already have plans to watch her boyfriend drag-race.
The Bazaar-nival's got a crafting booth and candy apples.
Not that it's a competition.
I'll just cancel my plans with Carla.
No, don't do that.
Are you sure you don't want to come? I already have my ticket.
It's okay.
You should go.
Yeah.
You're right.
I'll see you later.
How could Jackie pass on the Bazaar-nival? It's the Bazaar-nival! Bro, your lady just went full Zuko on you.
- Full wha? - You know, Danny Zuko from "Grease.
" After months of summer loving, Sandy returns to school and finds Zuko totally changed.
In this instance, you're the Sandy.
And like the movie, the only way to keep your girl is to change everything about yourself in utter desperation.
That's a horrible message for children! The worst.
But the songs are real toe-tappers.
While I was dreading losing my geeky girlfriend, Lainey dreaded her future as Barry's mom.
I can't believe your mom forced me to take the box! The nerve! Well, did you at least give a speech to honor the big moment? Calm down, Geoff.
Lainey will lend you the dumb box so that you can cook and bake for me, too.
No! Your mom gave it to her, not me.
I'll just make you store-bought cookies from a mix, like some stupid [bleep.]
face off the street! Okay, we get it! Clearly, you wanna be Erica's mom, but I'm not going down that way.
You apologize for nothing! Look in my wild, angry eyes.
The last thing I want is for you to be my mom.
- You mean it? - More than anything, baby! I've never been more excited about our future together.
This is my life now.
And it sucks.
But you just told Lainey you didn't care if she cooked or not.
Dude, of course I care.
Dinner's the only time of day I can be me! I love racing home to a warm blanket of Parm.
That's how our family expresses love, through melted cheese.
Damn it, I want Erica to experience that cheese love, too! You gotta get me a peek at that box.
Wait.
Maybe there's a way we can both get what we want.
- Name it.
I'm in.
- Take it.
It's yours.
Wait.
You're giving me the box? But your mom handed it off to Lainey.
Indeed she did, young Geoffrey.
And when Lainey realizes the box is gone, she'll feel so guilty, she'll let my mom teach her all the recipes.
So you do want Lainey to be your mom.
Ew! Gross! But for sure, yes.
I want my wife to be my mom.
That's weird but I get it! I want to be my girlfriend's mom! Dude, there's no one I'd rather have be a mom to my sister than you.
Sir, it would be an honor to be your mother/brother-in-law.
With my looks and my brains, we can't fail! - You can't put metal in the microwave.
- Got it.
As Barry's plan sparked to life, I went to my love guru, who could help me find the spark with Jackie.
Pops, I have a romantic emergency, and I need some of your patented love advice.
That's exactly why I sit here all day.
Jackie came back from summer break, and now she's all New York-ish and fringy.
Dave Kim says if I don't change, we're done.
Dave Kim, always stirring the pot.
You need to be proud of who you are and never change for anyone.
Wrong.
You gotta change and change hard.
- Ya think? - No! Don't listen to him.
He's not even in this conversation.
He's behind the paper! Ya gotta change when you date someone more pretty.
Like me and your mom.
- That makes sense! - No, it doesn't! You're just intrigued because the paper makes him hidden and mysterious.
You wouldn't believe the things I did for that woman.
Tell me more, dark stranger.
I took square-dancing lessons, I brunched with her friends, I even took my shoes off at the beach.
And the guy is still with my mom! It's your dad! You know who he is! True, and yet I still listened to the wise voice hidden behind the sports section.
I headed straight to the coolest store on South Street, Zipperhead.
Back then, it was the one place you'd go for all your punk needs.
Hello, there, fine madam.
I'm here to purchase some of your fine anti-monarchy garb.
Beat it, yuppie.
Go home and wait for "L.
A.
Law" to come on.
She knows what we watch.
Let's bail.
No.
This is too important.
Nothing can help you, poser.
Pfft! I am not a poser.
Name one member of The Clash.
"Of the Titans"? Well, there's Zeus and that metal robot owl, and, of course, Harry Hamlin from "L.
A.
Law" plays Perseus.
Stop talking, and I'll help you.
First, we gotta fix your dumb hair.
I'll do whatever it takes to turn into Eric Idle.
- I think you mean Billy Idol.
- Right! So, how long will it take to get cool, punky Gah! Oh, boy, it smells so weird! This is not gonna be an easy process for you.
Yep.
My change all began with my hair.
Meanwhile, Barry's harebrained scheme was about to unfold.
Barry, we need to talk.
I'm in huge trouble, dude! Good thing I was just sitting here waiting for you.
What is it? Someone stole your mom's recipe box out of my purse! Oh, no! How could something like this happen?! I know! It's so weird! They didn't take my car keys or my wallet or my Walkman.
Not all thieves are in it for the money.
Some are after the hottest food trends.
- Thief-cooks, they're called.
- This was so important to your mom.
She'll never forgive me! But with me at your side, we'll find a way.
You're an amazing human being.
Must feel good to say it out loud.
Mother, we have some terrible news.
Oh, no.
Is it Lyme disease-related? I saw a deer on the way home from the mall.
It is much worse than a rogue deer.
Worse than a rogue deer that may or may not have a tick? What are you trying to tell me, Barry? Someone stole your recipes out of my bag.
- No! - Please, tell me how I can make this right.
Well, you could call all of my relatives that knew the recipes Oh, wait, they're all dead.
Whoa! I'm just thinking out loud, but I believe my mom knows all those recipes by heart, yes? - My broken heart.
- Perhaps if you let my mom teach you how to cook those recipes, one of the cornerstones of caring for me then all will be forgiven? Babe, thank you for helping us through this.
As we've established, I'm the best.
So, what do you say? I say we better hit the market.
We're gonna need all their meats and cheeses.
As my mom took Lainey under her wing, my new look had taken flight.
I had my new hair, studded vest, and a Black Flag shirt, which I thought was bug spray.
Goodbye, Sandy from "Grease"! Hello, Billy Idol! Whoa! Check out the hot new guy! I feel threatened, and I wanna punch your face off.
No, wait! It's me! Adam? Jackie's boyfriend? Why didn't you say so? I almost went to jail just now.
Cool.
If you see Jackie, tell her I'm in for Saturday night.
Let's burn some rubber.
Wait.
You race? But Jackie said you're, like, afraid of birds and have allergies.
Not allergic to speed.
Just cat dander and feather pillows.
What kinda wheels you driving, bro? I got me a sick wagon, Station style.
Wood panels, bitchin' roof rack.
I got a gnarly Celica ST.
You wanna race for pink slips? The pinker the better, Holmes! Sick! I'll spread the word, make sure the whole school shows up! Oh, uh, the whole what, now? Hells yeah.
I'm on it.
New Goldberg's got nards, and I like it.
Hope there's no hard feelings when I smoke you and take your car.
Wait, that's what a pink slip is?! Ohhhh, balls.
This went bad fast.
After going punk for my lady, all I needed now was badass wheels.
Ah! I hear jingling! Don't know which moron that is, but if you want my car, then take Pops home.
Yeah, I could use a ride.
Ah, come on! F-Fine.
'Cause I love you! Let's get moving! Bup bup! You know all those paving stones? You mean the ones Mom has screamed at you to return for the last year? Yeah, load 'em up in the car and take 'em back to Heckingers before they close in an hour.
No! Can't I do this another time? Nah, it'll feel good to get it off my plate.
Aw, crap! I accidentally ripped my purposely ripped jeans! You actually bought tattered jeans with holes?! Who does that?! Badasses like me.
While I hit a detour, inside was a race for the perfect Parm.
Okay, here you go.
Pork Parm Wellington.
Attempt number nine, so, dear God, please like it.
Uh Close enough.
Let's just move on to meatloaf burgers.
No! Not till we've perfectly baked all 53 ingredients.
Or is it 54? I thought you said you knew all the recipes by heart.
No yenta in the world can remember every ounce of butter and pinch of salt that goes into this many dishes! Can't I just order Barry Chinese food every night? You think this is just about cooking? There is so much more that goes into taking care of our Barry.
- Like what? - Washing his Flyers shirts, flipping his covers when he sweats at night, reminding him to make when he waits too long and gets plugged up.
What is that? What are you doing? It's the signal for poo-poos.
You gotta learn the signal.
I don't wanna learn the signal! Don't make her do the signal, Mom! She has to learn the signal! I don't wanna learn the signal.
Now, this hand is the potty, beckoning the poo-poos, and in they go.
Huh? She's not doing it! - Of course I'm not doing it! - Don't turn on each other! Go back to bonding over food as I grab some fresh air.
Be right back.
Hard to run after so much eating! Dude! Where is the box? It's on the counter.
Your mom has some real gems in there.
I made a hearty chowder for Erica.
Here, take a spoonful.
No! I don't have time to eat Mmm! Tastes like our summers at the shore.
But enough of your dumb thing.
I need a recipe, stat.
Barry knew there was only one ingredient that could save his plan.
Meanwhile, the recipe for a badass drag race just needed one more thing, me.
Where's Goldnerd?! I've been revving my engine for the crowd, but it's losing its luster! Wait! Here he comes! I may have been drag racing like Zuko, but Greased Lightning I wasn't.
'Sup, people and the place to be! - Adam?! - Jack Attack! What's up? I honestly have no idea.
What is on your body right now? I kinda ripped my punk-rock jeans on a jagged paving stone, so then I ripped off the other leg to be matchy Like a badass.
Okay, but what's up with your hair? Just how I roll, bro.
Also, I forgot to wash out the Sun-In, so then the actual blazing sun overbaked my head when I was loading in those aforementioned paving stones in the back of my ol' wood-paneled rocket here.
Okay, but why are you wearing snow gloves? Don't own racing gloves, so I'mma tear it up in these Freezy Freakies 'cause I'm crazy like that.
Okay, but why did you bring an old man to a drag race? That's my boy Al.
Had to drop him off at his sick pad, but the bumpy car ride lulled him to sleep Which is good, 'cause he would not approve of my drag-racing lifestyle.
I don't even know who you are right now.
Looks like you're not the only one who's changed for the better this year.
Yo, no more stalling.
It's go time! Let's ride.
That day, I wasn't the only one racing for my life.
"Bring to simmer, caramelize the onions, sprinkle two pinches of celery salt.
" Needs more wrist.
More wrist.
Forget the signal! I realized on my walk home you need to caramelize the onions, then sprinkle two pinches of celery salt.
How do you know about celery salt? Oh.
Um eater's intuition? It's my recipe.
How did you I'll tell you how.
You stole the box, didn't you? No! Also, yes.
But you told me you didn't want me to baby you, - like your mom does.
- And I don't! - Also, I do.
- Tell you what.
You already have a mom, - and you can keep her! - No! You're not getting it! If anything, you're a smoking-hot mom with benefits! Ew! How could this happen to a boy-king I raised so normally? It was go time.
Our engines were roaring, and everything was on the line my car, my dignity, but most importantly, my future with Jackie.
Listen, I kind of borrowed this car from my dad, so it's not really mine to lose.
You get it, right? The only thing I'm getting is that car.
And those tasteful paving stones, which will encourage outdoor living during the warm summer months.
Ahh! - Whoooo-hoo! - Ah! Come on, baby! Oh, no! This is bullcrap! I revved so much for the crowd, I got no gas left! Push it, baby! I love you, but only if you win! Hey, you're cheating! Said to the barrel and back! Ponytail losing power.
Jackie! We did it, baby! We won! Yeah, congratulations on getting from here to there slightly quicker than Johnny was able to push his car.
You mean my car.
Pink slip's mine, Atkins.
I'm taking the Celica.
You can't take the Celica! You can't take his Celica, Adam.
You can't take the Celica! - Oh, I'm taking the Celica! - But it's my mom's! She needs it to get to the dental office in the morning.
Hey, you were gonna take my car and the paving stones.
I just said that for the pageantry of the event! Please! My brother has tennis after school! Well, he ain't getting there in my Celica! You can't take the Celica! Jackie, your boyfriend's got a real nasty way about him.
This is not my boyfriend.
At least, not the one that I want.
I think it's pretty clear what you want.
And it's not us.
- Why?! - You went away and changed, and I'm still the same old Adam.
I just loved what we had.
And now it's over.
Hey, Squish.
Now that I got my recipes back, I thought maybe a little bit of Mama's cheeseburger pot pie might cheer you up.
- Not hungry.
- What?! I've literally never heard you say that.
I just realized me and Lainey want the complete opposite kind of marriage.
She wants an equal partnership, while I want her to tend to my needs the rest of our days.
There's no right or wrong here.
A good relationship needs a lot of give-and-take, Barry.
Why can't it be like you and Dad? You know, where you give and he takes.
I've heard enough, moron.
Not all marriages are the same.
Stop worrying about what you want to take and start thinking about what you want to give.
Wow.
So, maybe Lainey has a point.
You're right.
I'm lucky I had someone like you taking care of me my whole life.
I learned from the best which means now I can take care of Lainey.
Wait.
You want the box? Cooking is how our family shows love, right? So now it's time I show Lainey how much I love her.
Although, I could use a few pointers.
And that night, they whisked, they battered, they rolled and seasoned, until they had pork Parm Wellington fit for a boy-king's queen.
white wedding It's a nice day to start again Hey.
Believe me, the last thing I want right now is your mom's cooking.
Actually I made it for you.
You really think cooking me one dinner is gonna change anything? It's not about this one.
It's about the next thousand.
I just - God, this sounds so stupid.
- No, say it.
Every day, you take care of me just by being you.
And I realized now it's my job to take care of you.
How about we just take care of each other? Deal.
It's a nice day for a white wedding Winner! Number 1.
A winner.
Dude.
You suck at driving.
How'd you know I'd be here? Because it's the Bazaar-nival.
I knew you wouldn't miss it.
It turns out the Bazaar-nival is not that many parts fun.
It's completely lame.
And so am I.
I never said it was lame.
And I certainly never asked you to cut your jeans into Daisy Dukes.
I know! I just loved that I actually found someone out there who was just like me, someone who could geek out over a good Bazaar-nival.
Adam, even though I changed a bit over the summer doesn't mean we're not the same.
And nothing will ever change the way I feel about you.
- Really? - I will always love my allergenic, Bazaar-nival-loving, nerd boyfriend.
It's a nice day to start again Sure, change is scary.
Sometimes we're so desperate to hold on to the past that we lose sight of who we really are.
But in the end, when we open our hearts to accept those we love most for who they really are, a little change can be a wild ride that stays with you forever.
- Can I come in? - Never.
No.
This is so teenagery - Is it? - that I don't want any recording - of it on any kind of tape.
- Yeah, I wouldn't do that to you.
Hi.
I'm with the real Jackie Geary, Adam's high school girlfriend, and we have some questions for you.
- I'm ready.
- Now, were you into theater and movies and all the geeky stuff Adam is into? Or were you just going along with it? I was also a big geek.
Yeah.
I was into different geeky stuff sometimes, like "Star Trek" being better than "Star Wars.
" Turns out Jackie likes "Star Trek" more than "Star Wars"! Adam remembers you going from theater geek to cool, fringy New York City girl.
Who did I think I was?