The Goldbergs s06e14 Episode Script

Major League'd

1 The '80s was the peak of the sports comedy, and my favorite, Major League.
I loved the classic underdog story of a team of misfits who used questionable methods and voodoo to become champions.
They actually make sports tolerable with their on-field shenanigans.
And Barry loved the unhinged, badass pitcher, "Wild Thing.
" Dude, Wild Thing can't control his rage or his fastball.
That's just like me.
Yep, there was nothing better than rooting for the ragtag team with the evil owner.
You want us to lose? What I want is for us to finish dead last.
And then one day, Major League became a major reality.
You wanted to see me, Earl? Ah, there's my favorite shop teacher.
We should cut the chitchat.
I have 63 birdhouses to grade.
See, that is just the kind of statement that leads me to believe - you're the perfect man to help me out - With? - I want to get rid of the baseball team.
- Sure.
See, Coach Mellor's departure has left the team in shambles.
They're so bad that even the school paper has stopped trying to spin the losses.
If our team keeps playing like hot garbage, I could convince the board to drop the program and spend that money fixing our budgeting issues.
Which is why you're gonna be our new baseball coach.
What? I don't know anything about the game.
All I played growing up were timber sports.
Timber sports? Log rolling, speed felling, speed whittling, speed sanding.
Yeah, you help me lose and that absurd radial arm saw you - have been requesting is all yours.
- Batter up.
I have taken the liberty of tracking down some new recruits for the team.
They all happen to be students who have been dodging their athletic requirements, if you catch my drift.
Good luck.
And with that, Mr.
Crosby set out to assemble the worst high-school team of all time.
Would you look at that? My shoes are untied.
Better lace these up before I trip.
That is a wrap on whatever the hell this is.
Get your hands and feet to the gym, boys.
All right, you've died of dysentery.
Time to play sports.
- Can I save my - Go! Get your ass to the gym.
Go, go, go, go, go, go.
Come with me, Dave Kim.
Is this about my birdhouse? I need an extension.
David Sirota, Jessie Wudders, stop playing pretend government and start playing real baseball.
But I only own penny loafers.
This is gonna be easier than I thought.
Needless to say, my brother wasn't thrilled with our team's new rookies.
I don't get it.
We haven't won a game all season.
Now they're hamstringing us with you turds? Hey, we don't wanna be here either.
And what are you wearing? Coach was a uniform short, so I'm wearing my costume from Damn Yankees.
Adam, today is my first pitching start, and they are not gonna ruin it.
We're just here to satisfy our sports requirement.
There's no chance Coach will ever put us in.
Okay, listen up, team.
There's been some changes to the starting lineup.
Shortstop Dave Kim.
No! He's, like, the worst Dave Kim of all the Dave Kims.
Moving on.
Playing right field, Adam Goldberg.
What? He's got a lazy eye and the body to match.
Normally, I'd object but I'm desperate here.
Look at it.
These eyes cannot catch a baseball.
Oh, God.
Put back on the corrective lenses, man.
Wild thing It was January 30, 1980-something, a landmark day for Gerica.
Happy Kissa-versary.
Here are some tulips to celebrate the day these two lips first kissed those two lips.
But also aww.
And wait, there's more.
I also booked us a romantic getaway to the Poconos.
Poconos? That's our most scenic and budget-friendly mountain range.
You know it.
Get packing, lady.
This is amazing.
The two of us, alone.
How did you convince your dad to say yes? Oh, it was easy.
Uh, mostly because I haven't done it yet.
But I have a foolproof plan.
I'm going to lie to him.
Well, this was a fun ride.
I'll just rent us a movie.
Oh, come on.
What, are you implying I can't lie? I can lie.
I lie all the time.
You really don't.
And when you do, you bail immediately and then overcompensate by revealing a deeply personal secret that nobody wants to know.
Surely you're thinking of some other unskilled liar.
Hey, Mom, Geoff has some thoughts on your new Jazzercise ensemble that he wants to share with you.
Ah, don't you just love it, Geoffrey? The Lycra is form-fitting, but it still gives me the freedom to explore all my moves.
Uh, well, I suppose I enjoy the bold colors and the sleeve length and Oh, my God.
Also, one time at summer camp, I took a puff of a cigar and then it made me really nauseous and I threw up in a lake.
And there it is.
And so it was up to my sister to concoct the perfect lie.
The Eastern Pennsylvania Scholastic Achievement Awards? That's fantastic, but it doesn't surprise me my Geoffrey is receiving such an honor.
Well, it's really an award for you, too.
You raised a smarty.
Take some videos.
Okay, well, we'll see ya when we see ya.
While Erica and Geoff lied their way to a dream weekend, I was living a true nightmare.
Please don't let the ball come to me.
Oh, balls.
I don't got it! I don't got it! I definitely don't got it! Turns out, our underdog team wasn't as bad as the one in Major League.
No, we were worse.
I'm as mad at me as you are.
Boys are looking lousy out there, Crosby.
Good coaching.
Kremp can actually play.
Yeah, that's on me.
Kid was making a weird movie with Goldberg.
I made some assumptions.
Kremp, you're benched for showboating.
- Penny loafer, you're in.
- In my defense, I have cleats, - but you insisted I wear these.
- Uh-huh.
Move it, penny loafer.
Can I just stand in the grass area? They're getting all dusty.
Yeah, you do what you need to do, kid.
And the cherry on top of our suck sundae, my brother's pitching.
Just a bit outside.
Ball four.
Ball eight.
Honestly, I've lost count.
I just couldn't stop wondering why Crosby and Ball didn't seem to care that our team was so epically bad.
And then it hit me.
The ball just punched me.
They wanted us to lose, like in Major League.
Meanwhile, my sister was on a major romantic getaway.
You know, I gotta admit, the whole time you were lying to my dad, I had this feeling that something terrible was gonna happen.
Stick with me, Schwartz.
I'll never lead you wrong.
Oh, my God! [BELL DINGS.]
ADULT ADAM: Yep, this is 100% true.
My oldest sibling snuck off on a romantic getaway and actually did this to my dad's car.
- Oh, God! - What are we gonna do? Cars don't just fall off cliffs at scholastic award shows! Forget the awards! My dad's car just rolled off a cliff! Oh, my dad's gonna kill me! Please make sure some nice lady gets my eyes! Promise me! Okay, let's just take a deep breath of the fresh mountain air and think.
I lied my way into this mess.
I can lie my way out of it.
And just as the scholastic gala was ending, Geoff and I walked outside and found a sack of abandoned puppies.
Naturally, we raced the car to the animal hospital, but there was a drawbridge being raised and we tried to jump it for the puppies because we're good people, but the car didn't make it.
Luckily, we're fine and so were the two dozen puppies that have now all found homes.
Drawbridges are death ramps.
My nail girl's brother tried to jump a drawbridge.
They found his head and torso on a fishing trawler.
He's in culinary school now, but every day is a struggle.
Thank God the two of you were not hurt.
It's a lie.
We were in the Poconos on a secret getaway.
We parked your station wagon on the hill without the parking brake, and also I copied part of my Bar Mitzvah speech from a Winston Churchill biography.
So you lied right to my face, Geoffy? Wait, no.
It's not Geoff's fault.
It's all mine, and I'm so sorry.
And then my sister braced herself for a nuclear Murray meltdown.
You sent my car off a cliff! [LAUGHING.]
Wow, he's taking this really well.
I figured that he would be screaming his head off.
Off a cliff! Who does that? Oh, no.
Your father has reached a stage beyond anger.
All my family does is wreck my car! Third time this year! [LAUGHING.]
Oh, this is not good.
The Poconos.
You could've been killed.
To be honest, I'm digging this way more than the screaming and the "moron" calling.
My insurance is gonna go through the roof! Okay, I got to get him inside and try to calm him down with warm milk and Steak-umms.
I don't know if it'll work, but I'm a desperate woman.
Anyway, I'm sorry about the bending the truth thing.
It probably won't happen again.
The only reason Geoff is in this mess is because of your terrible influence, and it stops now.
This relationship is over.
- What? - You can't break up with my girlfriend.
Wait, can you? Can he? I don't know.
I've never been in this situation before.
Let's go, son.
While Erica's lies had finally caught up to her, I was catching up the guys on my major revelation.
Gentlemen, Principal Ball and Mr.
Crosby - are Major Leagueing this team.
- What? Just one glaring problem with your theory.
If he wanted us to lose, they'd never let me pitch.
Barry, he let you pitch because of how bad you are.
A word? Just between us, the last thing I would want is for me to seem weak in front of the team, but what you just said about my pitching hurt me to the core.
Uh, bro? We can hear everything you're saying.
You're, like, not that far away.
I'm sorry.
I just thought it was important you all know the truth.
But I don't suck.
I'm literally gonna cry right now.
Guys, it's not so much a distance thing as a volume thing, 'cause we're getting every word.
Damn it! I'll prove how good I am right now! Who's got a ball? I've got a tangerine.
But it's supposed to be for emergency dips in my blood sugar.
This is an emergency.
- What are you doing? - I'm gonna throw this little embarrassing emergency orange at you so you can feel how much I don't suck.
We're being Major League'd.
- What are we gonna do? - I'll tell you what.
We're gonna Major League 'em right back.
'Cause in the end, it turns out that ragtag bunch of losers win it all! And so will we! Or we put all our faith in our amazing pitcher to take us to the championship.
Wild Thing.
Look alive, Shernicke.
Okay, we can just go with his thing.
Even though Earl Ball wanted us to lose, I'd use my favorite sports movie to help us win.
Okay, our Major League journey from underdog scrubs to skilled champions begins with one thing.
Meet Jobu, the idol that Pedro Cerrano prays to that helps you hit the curve ball.
Uh, bro? That doll seems a little super insensitive.
He's hilarious in the movie, but presenting it now just makes me feel kinda weird.
Yeah, I'd I'd put it away.
Okay, we're gonna lose.
Not if we have a sexy incentive for us to win.
Aw, yeah, like in the movie.
Whenever the Indians would win, they would remove a sliver of clothing from a cardboard cutout of the team's super hot yet evil owner.
Which is why I made a cardboard cutout of our nemesis, school principal and avid swimmer, Earl Ball.
We're only gonna take a piece off when we don't win.
This team shall never lose again.
We can't let it happen, guys.
For sure! But also, where did you get that picture? Finally, we have to band together and address each of our weaknesses.
Like in the movie when the team had to convince Wild Thing to wear glasses.
Bro, I think someone would know if they needed glasses.
Not to be this guy, but we're all painfully aware that you're super nearsighted but refuse to acknowledge it.
I can see just fine.
I'll prove it.
I'll read your shirt.
"Spice Inventors.
" - No.
- "Spork Investors"? - No.
- "Shark Incisors"? - No.
- "Snake Inhalers.
" Yeah? - Nope.
- "Spanish Inquisition"? - No, that's - "Saint Ignatius"? What? How have you made it this far? - "Spare Bedroom"? - No.
"Spanakopita"? Here.
I'm nearsighted, too.
Oh, it's "Space Invaders.
" That makes sense.
So you're finally admitting to yourself that you need glasses? I've always known! I can't believe you all knew and never cared enough to tell me.
Why? I'll get us each a new pair.
Yep, our team was ready to end our losing streak, and Erica was determined to win over Geoff's dad.
Thank you, Dr.
Schwartz, for joining us today in your home.
We've all heard some murmurs that I'm not good enough for Geoff.
What's happening right now? You may think you know the whole story of Geoff and Erica, but do you really know - Geoff and Erica? - Yes.
But I think once you see my presentation, you'll see that I'm the perfect girl for Geoff.
Long before I was a free spirit who treated life as one big party, I actually used to be a doofy bookworm who went to bed by 9:00, just like Geoff here.
So you think my son is a doof? Uh, Geoff, you wanna maybe jump in here - and talk about our love? - You bet.
Erica's a great influence on me.
Are you drinking a beer? Moving on.
Last week, she took me mini golfing for half-price Tuesdays.
But Tuesday's a school day.
Moving on.
See, Erica's really thoughtful, Dad.
She threw me a surprise party, and it was the best night of my life.
Is that my living room? Did you throw a party when I was in Miami? - Erica, please take over again.
- No! I've had enough.
This just confirms what I already knew.
You may love my son, but it doesn't mean you're good for him.
I'm [BLEEP.]
As Erica's apology project fell apart, our team's big Major League plan was coming together.
How's it going, Coach? Are we gonna win at sucking or what? Got my worst men on it, sir.
Strike! Three, three! Yes! Two down, two down.
Play's at second.
They can play and know the lingo.
It seems they've figured out that you're Major Leagueing them, and now they're Major Leagueing you back.
Unless we change the schedule.
We have to play Meadowbrook High? They're the best team in the city.
This is bad.
Ball knows we know he's Major Leagueingus and that we're Major Leagueing him back.
I'm confused, but ready to act with anger.
'Cause now we're at the top of our game, and nothing can bring us down.
Well, look who it is.
It's the JTP, AKA the Jenkintown Posers.
You know that's not what it stands for, bro! Balls, balls, this just got bad fast.
It was the Meadowbrook Mafia, the JTP's rival posse from one town over, and they were led by theater star and hotshot athlete, Bradley Cooper.
Word on the suburban street is the baseball schedule changed and now we get to destroy you on Friday.
Doesn't matter who we play, 'cause as long as I'm pitching, we're guaranteed the "W.
" Can't wait to see you on the mound, four-eyes.
Shows what you know.
I'm pitching, not my nerd brother.
No, you're the four-eyed nerd.
I can't wait to hit your first pitch all the way to the school library.
Where you'll probably find it the next day, because you have glasses and thus an uncool love of reading.
Well, I'll have you know Barry never reads.
He's more of a TV guy.
"I have glasses, and I'm a Dork Lord.
They just called me a four-eyed nerdling.
That's so hurtful.
Who talks to people like that just because they wear corrective lenses? You? Almost every single day of my life? Well, yeah, 'cause you're a four-eyed nerdling Oh, no! I get it now! You're just now getting that being called a nerd is hurtful? Yes.
Now that I'm affected, I care.
'Cause we actually have a chance to stand up and fight back.
No, guys I can't wear these things.
What's the worst that happens? Look, there's a reason I refused to admit I needed these things.
Yeah, I act all cool, but I'm not.
And these glasses will just make it worse.
I'm sorry.
I can't do it.
Turns out my overconfident brother was more insecure than I thought.
And while glasses made Barry quit the team, Geoff was determined to see Erica.
No matter how risky.
Gah! Geoff, what are you doing? I'll stop at nothing to see you! That's sweet, but you could've just used the front door.
It's your dad who doesn't want us together.
Oh, God, I'm so upset I'm not thinking straight.
You're forgetting that I have parents, too.
And once Beverly Goldberg hears that your dad called her baby girl a bad influence, she'll unleash such unbridled fury that your dad will wish he was in that car.
- Yeah, not my place.
- Not your place? Everywhere's your place! You have no boundaries! Schmoo, how do I put this delicately? We agree with Lou.
You're a horrible influence on the boy.
What? You're supposed to be on my side.
Oh, how do I put this delicately? Geoff is a college-bound future doctor.
You're a drop-out liar who can't even hold a job.
Would you just let her put it delicately one time? Look, Erica, we don't think you're not good enough for Geoff.
It's just that, right now, it seems Geoff is too good for you.
Thank you, Mom.
That's exactly the same thing.
You just said it in a nicer tone.
For the first time, My mom said no to defending her kids and then felt so bad, she caved.
Wanna talk about it? Everyone was right.
Geoff deserves someone better than me.
Schmoo, when I see that boy and how much he loves you and how hard he tries, makes me wonder if maybe you could be trying a little harder, too.
I love Geoff so much.
The last thing I want to do is hold him back.
And, in this case, maybe that means I don't get to be with him, no matter how much I want to.
The big game against Meadowbrook was starting, and everyone was there Everyone, that is, except Barry.
Goldberg, you're up.
Swing or don't swing.
How you strike out is up to you.
The moment had arrived.
I'd never been a sports hero, but Major League taught me anything was possible.
- Just not this time.
- Oh, God! - My tender boy body.
- Adam? - Barry? Are you dead, too? - Oh, I'm alive.
And I'm sick of being a joke.
I'm gonna get revenge for you, and every other four-eyed nerd out there.
Coach, I'm pitching next inning.
Good thinking.
They're only up a run.
Go get us into a jam.
Barry didn't just come back to our team to defend my honor, he returned to show the world he was finally done with hiding who he really was.
Wild thing You make my heart sing Yep, it's true.
After years of calling me a four-eyed Dork Lord, Barry Norman Goldberg now had glasses.
What is this song? Where is it even coming from? Oh, yes.
Just like his hero, Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn in Major League, Barry could finally see clearly, and he'd use it to win once and for all.
Wild thing Ooh.
Except he didn't.
Wild thing That day, Barry didn't use his new glasses to strike out the other team.
Instead, he struck 'em down, and it felt glorious.
You're out of here! In that moment, I had a new sports hero Barry "Wild Thing" Goldberg.
- Hey, get up.
- What? You heard me.
Get up.
Get dressed.
Maybe run a comb through your hair.
Why? Where are we going? - To get Geoff back.
- What about Lou? If he thinks he's gonna keep my baby from the man she loves, then he's gonna find out what a bad influence I can be.
Yep, no one messes with Beverly Goldberg.
Sure, it took her a while to get onboard, but now Geoff's dad was about to face off with our Wild Thing.
Evening, Lou.
Thank you for coming to this ambush.
How dare you say my daughter isn't good enough for your Mom, wait.
I know I begged you to fix this, but this is something I have to do on my own.
But I'm all revved up.
Please, rev down.
I got this.
Look, I know I get Geoff into trouble and force him out of his comfort zone and have him throw parties in your living room.
But there is not a slide show in the world that will make you see just how much I love your son.
Even though I'm selfish and moody and have so much growing up to do You still love me.
So, yeah, I'm not nearly good enough for a guy like you.
But you make me wanna do whatever it takes to prove I can be.
Maybe they do bring out the best in each other.
No maybe, Lou.
They just do.
Sometimes we've got to fight for what we love, but what good is a fight without a little backup? [AS HARRY DOYLE.]
Just a bit outside.
That's the thing about family.
You're a team A team that never stops believing in each other.
And when that happens, it makes everything a little more groovy.
Wild thing How come when I wear glasses, you call me a nerd, but when you wear glasses you look awesome? - [LAUGHS.]
That's not very fair.
I like the glasses.
- Okay.
- Move, dumbass.
We can't see.
I know.
I was once like you.
But thanks to major advances in contact-lens technology, I now have the vision of an eagle holding a telescope.
Now that I have better-than-perfect vision, a whole new world of careers has opened up for me.
Be hold.
I can now be a fighter pilot, umpire, professional Where's Waldo-finder, Avid reader, guy who writes things on rice, long-distance peeping tom, and Olympic athlete.
It's a tad late to start training for the Olympics.
Not with these laser-focused baby browns.
Oh, God, my contact lens popped out.
Help me.
Mark my words, if Barry somehow makes it in, it will be the most memorable thing to ever happen at the Olympics.