The Goldbergs s06e23 Episode Script


1 ADULT ADAM: Growing up, there was nothing better than the magical last week of school.
It all began with crafting the perfect yearbook message.
- How long is this? - Six pages, front and back.
- How long is yours? - One sentence.
"You are my turtle-necked stallion.
" This is the greatest thing anyone's ever written me! For the seniors, there was the tradition of the awkward class photo.
Clear a hole, losers.
Johnny Atkins is finally graduating.
You suck.
You're a dork.
You're a nerd.
I hate you.
You suck, too.
Atkins, I thought you knew.
You failed five classes.
You're definitely not graduating.
Forget what I just said.
Have a great summer.
And who could forget the ring salesman who grossly overestimated teenage interest in bulky jewelry? Joss Stinn, bro? Is there any way you can take off the name of our school and replace it with "JTP" in emeralds? - ALL: "JTP" in emeralds? - No, there's not.
- You make me sad.
- Your rings are dumb.
Appreciate your time.
And, of course, our school's finest tradition - the senior prank - [ALL SCREAM.]
Oh, no.
I'm going down! which mostly just pissed off our principal.
Sweet Saran Wrap! It gets worse every year! - Amaro Jr! Is this your handiwork? - He somehow knows it was you.
- Run, Ruben! Run! - Nah.
I'll walk at a leisurely pace.
But even better than the traditional senior prank was the tradition of planning the epic summer.
C'mon, guys four friends in a van, following the Grateful Dead all summer? It will be super chill.
I wish.
- Why can't you? I can only tell you if it's under the JTP cone of silence.
ALL: JTP cone of silence! My plan for this summer is to spend as much time as I can with Adam.
Beautiful, bro.
Yes, that's why I made him this in wood shop.
Maybe instead of an archaic homemade weapon, you just tell Adam what he means to you.
I will tell him with the paddle.
Yeah, I'm not sure that's what the paddle is saying.
If anything, it says "nerd basher.
" Yeah.
As in for the bashing of nerds.
How are you not getting this? As for me, I was partaking in the tradition of taking over your big brother's room.
Hey, Schmoo.
- What's with the measuring? - Well, now that Barry's off to Penn, I'm gonna turn his room into my private toy sanctuary, where I can display all my collectible action figures.
- Oh, no, you won't.
- I have to! Displaying collectibles is how adult boys play with toys.
Barry's room will always stay exactly the same, so that, at any moment, I can come in and sniff his pillowcases and pretend that nothing's changed.
So, basically, it's a shrine that supports your wildly unhealthy attachment to your children? You want to turn this into a toy museum, so who's the weird one here? Mom gets it.
One day, people will pay a fortune to see where America's first doctoring rap president grew up.
Oh, they sure will.
Oh, I can't believe my baby's done high school! It really is the end of an era, Ad Rock.
Which is why I have to give you as many joxygen masks as possible.
Wait, what?! Sweet balls, no! Aww, my babies love each other so friggin' much.
Oh! Oh, terrible! I know, buddy.
I'm gonna miss this, too.
I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was May 8th, 1980-something, and Geoff had a bombshell to drop on my sister.
Erica, oh, sweet lord, Erica.
- I just got the worst news ever.
- Oh, my God! What is it?! - Did something happen to your family?! - Worse! I have the highest GPA in my graduating class, and I'm valedictorian.
Damn it, Geoff.
You scared the crap out of me.
You should be scared.
I now have to write a moving graduation speech.
Do you have any idea what happens when I have to speak in a public forum? Yes, you get slight performance anxiety - Crippling stage fright.
- Crippling stage fright.
I didn't want to say it, but that's what it is.
I know, and having to write a speech on top of everything else completely implodes my jam-packed Filofax schedule.
What the hell am I looking at right now? My summer broken down and planned to the minute.
Dude, you have two jobs and five summer school classes and an internship at LensCrafters.
- Not enough? - It's more than enough.
You even scheduled bathroom breaks.
It's either Wednesdays at 4:00 or not at all.
Dude, you're already valedictorian.
- What more do you want? - So much more.
This summer, I have to complete all my college core classes so that next year, I have time to pick a sensible major so that I can get a job and then marry you and then buy a house and then lease a Volvo and then save for our kids to go to college.
Forget our kids' college! You haven't even gone to college.
I know.
I'm sorry I'm so wound up.
It's just our future is, like, super important to me.
- Whoa, what's with all the scratching? - It's just a stress rash.
It comes and goes like my peptic ulcer.
Who's ready to fill their tum-tums with some Ants on a Log? Not this guy.
He's so stressed about his future, he's all itchy and rashy.
Oh, poor baby.
Here, let me see Oh, son of a bitch! Erica, step away from that boy and go wash your hands.
- What?! - Geoffrey has a scorching case of the shingles.
Shingles? No! Isn't that a virus for sad, old people? Oh, for sure.
But it's also brought on by overwhelming stress.
I have overwhelming stress! That describes me perfectly! Geoff, look at me.
I'm telling you as an absolute fact you don't have the shingles.
- Geoff has the shingles.
- What? Is he okay? No, I'm not okay! I'm soaking in a tub of oatmeal! Just stay in the healing breakfast bath, son! Doctor's orders! Please stop standing outside the door! This bath is delicious and humiliating! As Geoff soaked in his mushy bath, I was facing the cold hard facts about my girlfriend graduating.
I can't believe we only have one week left together.
Ba-bup! We agreed you going off to college was gonna be drama-free.
I know we said it, but how? Jackie, we fell in magical nerd love, and that lasts forever.
We'll always be in each other's lives.
- Promise? - Look at me and know this.
I will always [LAUGHTER.]
Aw, man.
So glad I got another year of this.
Gah! I was having a special moment with my special lady! And now I'm having a special moment with you.
Jackie, do you mind?! You're bordering on rude! I'll see you at lunch, Ad.
My God, I can't wait till you're gone and I don't have to deal with your stupidity anymore.
I feel the same way, little buddy.
So, what do you say? One more for old time's sake? One more what? ADAM: Hello? Anyone? Hello? It's dark in here, and I've lost all sense of time.
Goldberg, you're way too big and old to be playing in the lockers.
Playing? My stupid brother Barry impressively crammed me in there.
Good news for many is, he's graduating.
- He's moving on.
- Thank God, but how? You pass your classes, you do your community service boom, done.
To be honest, you just got to keep the herd moving.
Barry didn't even do any.
So, you're saying Barry did no community service at all? [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
I was I was just kidding.
Um, Barry actually organized a community soup garden 10k run for food and, also, blood and shoes.
And comfort dogs.
- That's clearly not real.
- Clearly.
Please do me a solid, and let's just pretend like this conversation never happened.
Or do me a solid and tell your brother if he doesn't complete 100 hours of community service in the next four days, he doesn't get his diploma.
How's Geoffrey feeling? Like his body has been ravaged by shingles.
That is wonderful news! The sooner I ask, the sooner I can start regretting asking why is Geoff's pain wonderful news? You've locked down every yenta's dream a man so concerned with your future that he's made himself sick.
And why exactly is that good? He loves you so much he's willing to do anything to provide for you.
Of course, his stress rashes will continue, and all his hair will fall out, and his tired body will break till he forms a widow's hump.
I don't want a rashy bald hunchback for a husband.
You'd be so lucky.
Every day, I thank God that I have a man who would exhaust himself - into that - [SNORES.]
for me and this family.
Murray, don't eat Ritz crackers in your sleep! You'll choke to death! - Where were we? - We were just wrapping up your positive spin on having to watch your husband breathe.
Enjoy the rest of your day.
Hey, dude.
What's all this? Oh, I'm spending the summer following the Grateful Dead, so I'm loading up on some GORP.
- GORP? - "GORP.
" Stands for "good old raisins and peanuts.
" It's the go-to meal for Deadheads.
So, you're basically living in a van, eating crappy trail mix? - Totally.
- Bad news, bro.
- I ate all my GORP.
- You ate all your GORP? That was supposed to last all summer! Coach says we grow from setbacks, - so this will be good.
- Wait, Ruben Amaro Jr.
- is following the Dead with you? - I was gonna train all summer because that's what it takes to go pro, but, man, I was putting so much stress and pressure on myself, I was doing crunches in my sleep.
The only crunching we do in my van is on some sweet GORP.
Lucky for me, Ruben Amaro Sr.
was like, "Hey, Ruben Amaro Jr.
, Forget the future.
Focus on the now.
" See, that's exactly what my mom doesn't get.
Geoff needs a summer around spaced-out oddballs in tie-dye making irresponsible life choices.
Well, if you want to see the country in the luxury of an un-air-conditioned van, we got room for two more.
Geoff, stop whatever dumb smart thing you're doing.
Dumb? It's my valedictorian speech.
And, oh, God, I'm so behind schedule! Let me see.
- My Filofax! - Well, put this in your Filofax.
You and me are gonna spend the summer following the Grateful Dead.
- Wait, what? - Look, this year was so hard, and you got me through it.
So now it's my turn to help you, - and I won't take no for an answer.
- Yes! Thank you for freeing me from my Filofax! - Let's do this! - For sure! - I mean, it's the Grateful Dead.
- Yeah, people love them.
They do.
I mean, I don't.
Me neither! But they do have that one song.
That one's okay.
- It's kind of okay.
- It's okay enough.
Yes! We are going to follow a band we have mixed feelings about, but who cares? 'Cause I get a break from being me.
Shingles! - I'll go stir you up a breakfast bath.
- Uh-huh.
As Geoff bailed on his big speech, it was time for me to face my big brother.
Barry, I got to tell you something.
I got to tell you something, too.
Mine's bad, so me first.
No, trust me.
Mine's way worse.
So shut your face and sit down.
I've realized something huge today when I went back to the locker I stuffed you in.
- To let me out? - To fart through the air vents.
But you were gone and then it hit me.
Somehow Matt Bradley was right.
- All these years, I've been wedging underwear in your butt crack when I should have been wedging love in your heart crack.
Which is why I need you to know I love you, bro, with all my heart.
- Ooh, wow.
This is suuuper bad timing.
Here's the thing.
I told the principal that you never did your community service, which means you can't graduate until you make up the hours, which is impossible, given the time frame.
What? So I can't graduate?! Calm down.
I'll help you find a way to do your community service this week.
- I owe 100 hours, dude! - Doesn't matter.
We've gotten out of bigger - jams than this.
- When? I helped you win the talent show with Kara-te, and we rapped to Beastie Boys at the pep rally, and we wrote our own kick-ass version of "We Didn't Start The Fire"! We have worked well together.
We just have to plan a blowout charity event, - like in the movies.
- Yes! Use your stupid love of movies to save me.
Yes, the movies, and there was only one logical choice guaranteed to get Barry out of this jam.
ADAM: Are you familiar with the movie "BREAKIN' 2: Electric Boogaloo"? Yep, the '80s didn't just give us sick break-dancing moves.
It gave us even sicker break-dancing movies.
What if there was a way I could host a charity fundraiser that is guaranteed to raise $30,000 in one night? That's right.
We're uniting all the greatest break-dancers from all the greatest break-dancing movies ever released.
There's only four, but we're gonna get the best of those nine guys.
We're talking the boys from "Breakin," the crew from "Krush Groove," the pop-'n'-lock posse from "Beat Street.
" You can deliver the cardboard gymnasts from "Beat Street"? No, that's where Ms.
Cinoman comes in.
It's true, Earl.
Many moons ago, I spent three passionate weeks with a physically expressive young dancer by the name of Turbo.
Turbo?! You mean the lead street stylist of the movie "Breakin'"?! - Indeed.
- Even though it's wildly upsetting that teachers have lives outside these hallways, we have access to Turbo, which means we have everyone.
If you can pull this off, the community service hours you owe will be fulfilled.
If we get Turbo, the rest will follow.
Mostly because they don't work a lot.
Erica was gearing up to dance the summer away with the Grateful Dead, but not everyone was feeling the music.
There is no way I'm gonna let you ramble around the country all summer in a van! And all for some stupid hippie music! Do you both realize how much I hate hippies?! Are you happy? You just got your father all worked up about hippies.
To be clear, I'm not asking.
I'm telling.
I'm an adult who no longer needs your permission.
How dare you use logic and facts against us?! - Stupid hippies! - Damn it, Murray.
You stopped listening the minute you heard the word "hippie.
" - I did.
What did I miss? - It's fine.
Erica may not listen to her parents, but Geoff is a good boy who always listens to his.
- Howdy.
- Peace, love.
What the hell is on your bodies right now? This is what you call a tied-dye.
Geoff made it for us in a tub in the backyard.
So, I take it Geoff told you about the silly road trip? Actually, it was Erica, and we think it's a wonderful idea.
'Sup? All I had to do to convince them that Geoff needed a break was show them his Filofax.
You live your life to the fullest this summer, boychik.
Do it for all the stressed-out Schwartz men who came before you.
Erica, the nerve of you going behind my back before I went behind yours! And so, Erica's summer on the road was still trucking.
As for me and my brother, we were on the road to break-dancing glory.
What's this, gentlemen? It's the classic break-dance movie fundraising thermometer.
It tells the audience how much money we raised to save our community center or, in this case, my diploma.
By chance, did you spend any of the last few days practicing actual break-dancing instead of building the giant thermometer? Nah, we're gonna leave that magic up to your intimate pal Turbo and his friends.
Don't get me wrong.
I am a way better break-dancer than all those fools combined, - but I don't want to show them up.
- Well, great news.
Now you get the chance to shine because none of those world-famous break-dancers will be joining us tonight.
- What? - But you said, if we got Turbo, the rest will follow.
Turns out the man I had a dalliance with that summer was not, in fact, Turbo from "Breakin' 2.
" It has been confirmed via phone that his name is actually D'Andre, and he's a liar.
Does D'Andre know Turbo? - He does not.
- Oh, balls! - This is all your fault! - No, no.
It's just a setback, but like always, we'll win over the crowd.
So, take my hand and do the wave like you've never waved before 'cause this right here, right now, is our last great high-school adventure.
You're right! Time to fill up that cardboard thermometer with $30,000.
My last adventure with Barry would be the stuff of legend.
As for Erica and Geoff, their first road trip was about to hit a detour.
JOHNNY: 'Sup, bozos? I'm off to follow Rush around Canada this summer, and your hot mom offered to make me homemade BORP.
BORP? I thought it was GORP? No, this is BORP Beverly's Ol' Raisins and Peanuts.
I also added M&M'S, caramel chips, and Skittles.
That goes against everything that a good, healthy GORP stands for! - What's your game, woman? - No game.
But, hey, since your friend's here, why doesn't he tell Geoff what van life is like? In a word, chaos.
Oh, no! That's my least favorite word! Dude, my mom's just trying to scare you.
It'll be fine.
It will not be fine.
Every day, you face a new disaster - No - like flat tires and traffic jams and petty theft and motorcycle gangs and snakes.
Oh, no! Snakes and, also, all the other things you said! Tell them about the bathrooms, Johnny.
This bad boy goes where I go.
- I'm out.
Can't do it.
- Trust me, this is a good thing.
Not the poop shovel, but the road trip.
- You need this.
- I can't do it, Erica.
I know you said I shouldn't stress about our future, but I-I do.
This is who I am.
I gotta go write my speech.
I know you're hopping mad, but you gotta trust Mama.
- This is for the best.
- Not for Geoff.
I wish you could stop being so selfish and see that.
Schmoopaloo! Thanks again for the BORP, Mrs.
I can tell it's made with love by a hot mom.
As my smother finally shut down Erica, we were pumping up the crowd.
It was our last great high-school adventure, and just like in "Breakin' 2," our charity fundraiser would easily save the day.
- "Breakin'" - "2"! - "Electric Boogaloo"! - "Electric Boogaloo"! Or not.
Barry kind of did the worm.
I sort of did the windmill.
And we both did whatever this is.
How exactly did you date him after me? Hey, we're like soul mates.
But, yeah, I kind of wish I had graduated before this happened.
Thankfully, no one seemed seemed to notice the absence of Turbo.
Where's Turbo? We were promised Turbo! [AUDIENCE CHANTS "TURBO!".]
It's charity having to look at this! At what point do we win them over, - like we always do?! - We don't! Our last adventure's an utter failure! Break-dance retreat! And so we roboted to safety, having raised a whopping $3 for charity, but maybe it would be enough.
You promised Turbo.
- It was not.
- You can walk at graduation, but you don't actually graduate till that community service is done.
Now that my mom had put the brakes on my sister's road trip, Geoff was back to gearing up for his graduation speech.
Hey, Mrs.
Erica around? I wouldn't know.
She's not speaking to me.
Yeah, she's not exactly pleased with me either since I bailed on our van trip.
But I was really hoping she'd give me some notes on my speech.
Well, if you want a painfully honest, no-holds-barred opinion, I'm right here.
Since my mom was the one that put Geoff back on track, she knew it was her job to help him.
Webster's Dictionary defines "Webster" as a sitcom about an adorable, pocket-sized boy.
Hold for laughter.
You know, if there's one thing that this school's done for me, it's [SNORTS.]
helped me find my voice.
My throat is dry.
In the immortal words of Mahatma Gandhi, is it me or is it hot in here? Gandhi did not said that.
I said that because I'm drenched in fear right now.
Although he could have said that.
We don't know.
He was hot in India.
So, in conclusion, I ask you, do you see floating spots? 'Cause there's, like, so many.
- [THUDS.]
- Any notes? Erica Goldberg, get down here! It's an emergency! Oh, no! Get away from the boy! It's okay.
She was just giving me notes.
And here it is.
Take this sack of stress, pull him into that disgusting van, and follow those hippies around for the whole summer.
- Are you serious? - You were right.
If you really love someone, you've got to do everything you can - to make them happy.
- Well, then, screw it.
I'm gonna go pack some clothes and buy a potty shovel.
- But what about your speech? - Someone else can give it! I'm going to see the Dead, and I'm sort of excited about it.
In the end, my mom did help Geoff.
And that graduation day, he finally wasn't so scared about the future.
Thank you, Quakers Dozen.
But for Barry, a graduation with no diploma was less than thrilling.
Normally, this is the point where we ask our valedictorian to speak, but he has instead decided to follow the Grateful Dead in a van.
Whoo! Thank you, Goldbergs! Hi, Erica! So, for the first time in William Penn's storied history, we have no valedictory speech.
Not so fast! I got tons of stuff to say.
Goldberg, there is absolutely no world in which I would let you touch Thank you for those kind words, sir.
Oh, this just got good.
Welcome, parents, fellow students, esteemed faculty, JTP.
- I'm Barry Goldberg.
You might know me from the time my mom body slammed me at a wrestling tournament.
Or when I showed up to school dressed as Boy George.
Or last night when I put on a break-dancing show that had some very mixed reviews.
But that's the amazing thing about this school.
Every time I fell, there was always someone there to pick me up.
I learned a lot here, but mostly, this place taught me to never be afraid to fail, and I know everyone sitting behind me feels the same way.
CHOIR: Well, we know where we're going Would you look at that? Our moron did good.
Well, I'd say that speech was some of the best community service I've ever seen.
- Go join your classmates.
It's time to get your diploma, Mr.
And we're not little children And we know what we want Barry Norman Goldberg, high-school graduate.
Turns out my brother was right.
It really was the end of an era, and, man, it went by in a flash.
The nerdy love of my life was about to go off to college and start a new nerdy life without me.
As for Barry and his friends, it seemed like their high-school adventures would never end, but in a blink they were all grown up and ready for the future.
Kind of reminds me of something my dad used to say, "The days are long, but the years are short.
" And watching my brother and his friends celebrate on that stage, I finally understand what he meant.
I know I always said I couldn't wait till Barry left for college, but the truth is, he was my best friend, and I'd miss him.
But that's life.
One era had ended, but an even better one was about to begin.
Well, we're off, but don't worry, sir.
I'll take great care of her, always.
Yeah, but she'll take even better care of you.
Got you something for your trip.
- What is this thing? - It's called a mobile telephone device.
That summer, we all grew up more than we expected.
You're gonna call me every hour on the hour.
My mom learned to let go a little bit more.
Erica finally had a plan to go back to school.
And, for once, Geoff didn't have a plan at all.
- Let's ride.
Next year, we were all headed into uncharted territory, but turns out it'll be the greatest year of my life.
Of course, when I look back, I don't always get the details right, but there's one thing I do know it was 1980-something, and it was perfect.
- WOMAN: Comment from Adam? - MAN: Let's focus on that zit.
- I wish him, brother - Battery's gone dead.
- What's all this nerdery? - Jackie's off to college, so I'm putting together a care package.
We're being super mature about her leaving and taking it as it goes.
That'll never work.
Trust me.
What you need is my foolproof plan that guarantees you guys end up together.
- Grab a pen.
- No.
First, you go to college pre-med.
Once you graduate, there's medical school, an internship, residency, and boom! I'm a radiologist! At some point, you're in the 1990s, you visit her at her place of business.
And wow Lainey with the impressive adult you've become.
You just said "Lainey", this is clearly your plan.
- Do you like it? - I think it's half-baked, and highly unlikely to succeed.