The Goldbergs s07e04 Episode Script

Animal House

1 Back in the 80s, the best frat-comedy - of them all was Animal House - Food fight! T he story of a group of weirdos and underdogs who overcame all obstacles to rule the school.
And with Barry finally in college, he wasted no time living out his favorite movie.
I'm joining a fraternity.
Ugh.
Why? Bros, babes, beer, and boat shoes! Classism, hazing, dangerously excessive drinking.
Yeah, all of those awesome reasons.
Okay, horseshoe menorahs.
Wow me.
We're Omega Psi.
It's the Greek alphabet.
Is that not clear? He struggles with the English alphabet, so If I were to pledge, could I expect the following hijinks Driving a motorcycle into a crowded party, leaving a dead horse in a dean's office, and/or road-tripping to an all-girls college to hit on the friends of a deceased student? We're more of an academic house.
Next! Hey.
Erik Stratton, alumni director at Delta House.
Damn glad to meet ya.
That was Erik Stratton, alumni director.
He was damn glad to meet you.
Why are you talking to me? I already have a grandpa.
Oh, we're doing the recruiting 'cause most of the guys in our frat are either hungover or - In jail.
- in jail.
Oh, I don't not like what I'm hearing.
Cold one? It's 9:00 in the morning.
Yeah, we got a late start.
Let me ask you something.
Can your house serve my needs as an alpha male in the upper echelons of society's wealthy and elite? Ha! Not even a little.
Let me ask you something.
Is that a Froot Loop in your hair? It's an Apple Jack.
This conversation is over.
So, how many pledges do we have now? None yet.
Oh.
One more, and we got one.
Barry, I don't care what you do, but don't you think you're being a tad unrealistic about which fraternity is the right one for you? Silence! I've found my people.
Yep, they were the perfect-haired, pastel-wearing blowhards of Beta Zeta, and Barry had to be one of them.
Those khaki Ken Dolls? You're kidding, right? Hi.
Barry Goldberg.
And, no, you are not looking into a mirror.
What can I do for you? Well, it's obvious I'm Beta Zeta material, so why don't you just make me a brother now so we can start making morally questionable choices together? Barry, I'm leaving.
All the smirking and popped collars are wigging me out.
Okay, girl I've never met.
Hi.
I'm Beta Zeta president Rick Kentwood.
Of course you are.
And if you're not busy tomorrow night, you should come by our house.
We're hosting a classy get-together.
"The Get Trashed Bash"? Was "Douche Gala" taken? We accept! Me and this mouthy lady stranger will be there.
What are you doing? There's no way I'm going to that.
You have to! For some unknown reason, he's taken with you.
So, we go, I charm him, ditch you, and my life of nonstop toga adventures begins.
I guess that would mean that you'd have to move out of our dorm and I'd never see your dumb face again.
We see it the same way.
Now time to practice my lovable frat-brother antics, like crushing beer cans against my forehead.
I know your weak spot, Mr.
Pibb! I'm softening it up.
Aah! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was October 16th, 1980-something, and my mom was still adjusting to the fact that there was only one kid in the house to cook for.
Adam, breakfast! Uh, I already had some Mr.
T cereal.
Well I pity the fool who doesn't eat my pigs in a blanket.
Again you made too much.
Your two other kids are off in college.
How do you not know that by now? Oh, I'm just fueling Adam up with high-energy meats for our big day.
Big day? With me? And also you? Surprise! It's robot-themed.
Robots? Adam, she knows your greatest weakness.
We start off by going to a matinee of this new movie called The Terminator and then we move to Kiddie City to pick up the Transformer toy of your choice and, for the finale, we're gonna see Styx at the Spectrum perform Mr.
Roboto.
While I appreciate the pandering, I'm afraid I already have plans with Dave Kim.
Dave Kim? You're gonna blow off a day with me and robots for that four-eyed drip? Yeah.
We were just gonna hang, but now I think we're gonna do all your robot stuff instead.
Thanks for the idea! Beverly, enough with overwhelming Adam with all your love.
You need to find someone else.
Well, what have you got cooking today? You wanna see some robots? I'm pretty jammed up, but I know who you should ask Your life partner.
You just saw Adam leave.
I'm talking about Murray! Yeah.
Murray's good at a lot of things, but doing stuff isn't one of them.
You used to go to movies, weekends down the shore.
Go back to that magical time before you had kids and start living! Now's your chance.
In that moment, my mom realized she had to get Murray out of his chair and into her life.
It wasn't going to be easy.
Is that you saying "Good morning"? As my mom worried about her future, my bro gathered his oldest pals for an important pow-wow.
Thanks for coming to the weekly meeting of the JTP.
- JTP! - JTP! First order of business It's almost Matt Bradley's birthday, and I No one cares about stupid Matt Bradley and how embarrassingly old he's getting.
It's true.
No one likes to be confronted by their mortality.
Let's not make a big deal about it.
We won't.
First non-boring item to discuss Big Tasty will be leaving shortly to attend a frat party.
- Good for you.
- Fun.
- Greek life! - Sorry my birthday almost got in the way.
And I will likely be joining their brotherhood as a pledge.
You're killing it in college! And you're not the only one 'cause I just made Haverford's varsity crew team as their coxswain.
And everyone over at Villanova is loving my nakedness.
It's really nice to be a part of an open-minded community where nudity is celebrated.
My gap year working at The Gap couldn't be going better.
I'm getting paid, and I'm learning a valuable jean-craft.
And I just took my immersion into the Grateful Dead culture to the next level.
Look.
I grew my first dreadlock.
Look at us absolutely destroy post-high school, JTP.
- JTP! - JTP! That's why when I'm a frat god and I ignore you and treat you like crap, I won't feel that bad.
JTP.
- JTP! - JTP! While Barry left his crew in the dust for Greek life, my mom was on a mission to get my dad to enjoy life.
Come on! Get up! It's just a harmless head injury.
God did not intend the human neck to bend that way.
Man, I love football.
For sure.
It's all I have.
Murray, I'm gonna need five minutes of your time and also the rest of your life.
What is this? I'm in the middle of a game here.
You are aware that in two years, all of our little angels will be out of the house.
Just the thought of it makes me smile.
Watch.
Oh, no.
I've never seen your face do that.
You can tell the skin doesn't even know how to crease.
Well, unlike you, I live in total terror of that day and all the sad and lonely ones that will follow.
Been there.
After Lainey left, things got dark.
I rarely ate, showered, or ventured outside.
My hollow shell of a body would crawl out of Lainey's tear-stained bedroom only to answer a phone that wasn't ringing.
Is this why you didn't bring the nachos? Yeah.
Bevy, all kids leave at some point.
What do you want me to do? To reconnect with me.
Let's pick out some activities we can do together to help fill the terrible void of their departure.
Activities? - Golf.
- Too much walking.
- Putt-putt golf.
- Too much walking.
- Crocheting? - My fingers are too thick, and also I don't want to.
You just rattle them off.
I'll tell you when you hit one.
Wine tasting.
Cooking class.
Bowling.
Sightseeing.
Bird watching.
Learning a new language.
Ceramics.
- Yeah! - Ceramics it is! No, no, no.
The Eagles finally got a first down.
I'm not doing pottery.
Damn it, Murray, stop being such a lump! This is the rest of our lives we're talking about! Hey, you're complaining about things.
I'm listening.
We're doing stuff.
That's not what I meant, and you know it.
Don't worry, Bev.
Murray's a good guy.
He'll come around.
The best.
But also the worst.
He once told me I was too bald to look at.
He didn't clarify and I was too afraid to ask and now too much time has passed.
That is a deeply upsetting story.
For sure, but I love the guy.
And I do, too, but we all know he's not gonna come around.
If the past 20 years have taught us anything, it's that he is gonna sit in that damn chair for the rest of his life.
No man can sit in a chair for a lifetime.
It can't be done.
Agreed.
Every man has to move sometime.
You don't believe me? Watch and learn.
Meet me back here in six hours.
Yep, back before home surveillance and nanny cams, my mom invented the Murray cam, and what she found blew Bill and Vic's mind.
Unbelievable.
If he didn't move that one time to pet the dog, I'd swear the VCR was paused.
He's the most gifted sitter I've ever seen.
Maybe there is a way to get Murray out of that chair.
I'm gonna steal his friends.
Oh, no! He has other friends? No.
I'm talking about you two dopes.
Oh, good! If he sees us all doing amazing things together, he's gonna get jealous and want to do them, too.
So, what are you saying, Beverly? I'm saying come do Tai Chi with me.
Slo-mo karate? Oh, that does sound fun.
Well, I suppose I've always wanted to be able to tell people an anecdote.
While my mom's plan to join up with my dad's best friends was in motion, Barry was going all out to join Beta Zeta.
How do I look? Like a yacht captain was run over by a polo horse.
Perfect.
There she is The prettiest girl on campus.
And the prettiest boy.
So, Erica, want to date a future leader? I have a boyfriend, and yuck.
Well, watch me turn that yuck into a yes.
And watch me turn that yes into a barf.
Hi.
Barry Goldberg.
Frat nickname to be determined, but I'm hoping to go with "Captain Chug" or "Sexhawk.
" Excuse me.
There you are! Listen, Terry - It's Barry.
- That's hilarious.
I want to introduce you to some neat-o guys that you are going to love.
Oh, sounds awesome, Rick.
This is Leroy, Spock, and Jimmy Flannigan.
Barry then realized he was living Animal House, just not how he'd imagined.
I've been Floundered! What's "Floundered"? That husky loser from Animal House who gets pawned off on a room of a bunch of rejects.
So what? This house is full of cocky, entitled asswipes.
And I hope to be them someday, which is why I need to turn this night around fast, and I know exactly how.
I'm gonna pull a Bluto.
Is that another Animal House character? John Belushi's greatest role, and now mine.
You know you make me wanna Shout Food fight! And with that, Barry went full Bluto, plastered the frat-house walls with mashed potatoes.
He totally destroyed a complete stranger's guitar.
He was, without a doubt, the life of the party.
A little bit softer now, a little bit softer now Or so he thought.
now, a little bit softer now Hey-ey-ey What did I do? We should talk.
Yes.
I'd be honored to join your fraternity.
Listen, being a Beta Zeta It's all about being the best.
And You're not.
After Barry blew his shot, he had no choice but to report back to the JTP.
- JTP - JTP? I've called this emergency meeting to tell you I will not be a painfully handsome frat god who is above the law.
I'll merely be painfully handsome.
I'm sorry, Bar.
Those idiots don't know what they're missing.
But what hurts even more is, while I'm flailing, you guys are out there crushing it.
While that's incredibly petty and mean, the truth is, we're actually not.
I lied before about being the coxswain of the rowing team.
I just like saying "coxswain.
" Coxswain.
Oh.
That is fun.
And I hate how everyone at Villanova also gets naked.
There's nothing special about me anymore.
Everyone in my life is coming out of the woodwork, asking for jean jackets.
And I'll admit it This dreadlock isn't real! I found it.
You don't want to know more.
I don't get it.
Why did you lie? We didn't want you to worry about us while you were having the time of your life as a frat guy.
But pledging was a disaster.
I tried everything to impress them.
I destroyed a guitar.
I threw food.
I rolled on the ground.
What are these guys looking for? Forget about those stupid frat guys.
They don't know the real you.
Wait.
That's why tonight was such a bust.
They didn't see the real me.
But we do.
So now you can hang with us for my b-day.
Don't be stupid, stupid Matt Bradley! I'm going back to that frat tomorrow night.
But I thought those guys rejected you.
They rejected Flounder and Bluto.
I'm going back as myself.
You can't, moron.
And why not? Tomorrow, Beta Zeta is having their new pledges do a talent show.
It's like The Gong Show, but with an irresponsible amount of beer.
They'll destroy you.
Or they'll pledge me on the spot when they hear the vocal stylings of Big Tasty.
And I know just the song.
The Fat Boys? No.
The Frat Boys.
I need two of you to fill out my crew.
Barry, again, it's Matt's birthday.
We're going to hang with him.
Do you ever consider what I want on Matt Bradley's birthday? We hadn't.
As my oldest, closest friends, you owe it to me to help me make even newer, closer friends.
We have plans.
Good luck, Bar.
I hope you get what you want.
I hope you get what you want on your birthday, Matt Bradley.
I know you were mocking me, but thanks, bro.
It means a lot.
What's their problem? You're the one with the problem.
Crashing a party is one thing, but crashing a fraternity talent show is just suicide.
Not if I get the real Fat Boys to do it with me.
Close enough.
Thanks for the free tee.
What's this for again? Doesn't matter.
You two dorks get to go to a frat party.
Isn't that enough? I hear bikini-clad women wrestle in kiddie pools full of Jell-O.
- Jell-O! - Bam! Crew locked and loaded! As Barry assembled two children to impress grown men, my mom was having fun with her own posse.
First up, Tai Chi.
Hiya.
After that, they learned Spanish.
Me gusta jugar al futbol.
- Me gusta jugar al futbol.
- Me gusta jugar al futbol.
And finally, mechanical bull riding.
Yee-haw! Hang on, Beverly! Whoo! Whoo! - Ohh! - Whoa! How did you do that, Beverly? Jazzercise.
Really strengthens the buttocks.
You know, with strong buttocks, anything is possible.
That makes scientific sense.
Well, the butt is the face of the back of your body.
How can I make my cheeks more rosy and plump? Easy.
Tomorrow, we're going to Booty Boogie Body Ballet.
I'm in.
Just wait till Murray finds out I'm taking his friends to butt class.
Do you really think that butt dancing is the antidote here, Bev? Oh, it's not about butt dancing.
It's about Murray eventually realizing that he's sitting alone at home in his chair, and that is no way for a man to live.
But all my dad realized was that football great Joe Namath had a cameo on Fantasy Island.
What? This can't be happening.
And he desperately needed someone to talk to about it.
Bill, when you get this message, call me right away.
But he didn't stop there.
Vic, as soon as you get this message, call me.
And since his pals weren't around, he turned to anyone he could find.
Bevy, are you home? Adam! TV history is about to happen! Lucky? Where are ya, girl? And that's when my dad figured out why he felt so alone.
"Fun Times with Murray's Friends"? Pottery class? As my dad was feeling left out, it was time for the Frat Boys to bust in on Beta Zeta's Gong Show.
That was the last pledge, Rick.
Hold on! We got one final act for you mother-brothers in this animal house! - Frat Boys! - Frat Boys! Frat Boys! What the hell? Should I get rid of them? No.
I actually want to see this.
We're the Frat Boys, not the Fat Boys, ya see And like the Fat Boys, we got one, two, three But the only cool guy up here is me So please let me be in your fraternity We came to party and rock the spot Yeah, I'm a frat boy, but these two are not Dave Kim's lame, and my brother is short They're mainly up here for moral support Why would I insult my crew? 'Cause that's just something that frat boys do I'm Beta Zeta material I eat emcees like cereal Cap'n Crunch or Frosted Flakes Or high-fiber bran to help me make We're the frat boys It's a play on words Like the Fat Boys, but these two are nerds We're the Frat Boys What do you say? Can I join sideways boobs Zorro slash? I'm just a boy! You're handling me as if I'm resisting! Classic hazing, guys.
Good stuff.
I don't know how to be more clear.
You will never be a Beta Zeta.
But I'm not Flounder or Bluto.
I'm just Barry.
Yeah.
And that's the guy we don't want.
Bev, I'm glad you made us come here.
After this, I'm gonna have a bowl.
It feels good in my fingers.
Well, I'm glad you two were up for it.
Lord knows Murray would never step foot in this place.
Aha! There you are! Murray, you got out of your chair.
You guys have been prancing all over town.
Why? "Why?" - Because you won't! - Oh, no.
I was trying to slow this thing down, but I spun it up.
Bill, I could use your hands.
- I got you, buddy.
- Aah.
Is this because of all those dumb activities you wanted me to do? - Yes.
- Aah! You know what, Murray? I always assumed that when the kids left home, I'd at least have you to spend my days with.
Boy, was I wrong.
Ahh.
So I like to sit.
What's the big deal? The big deal is, the only reason you came down here is because your friends weren't around.
You got out of your chair for them, but for me, you were happy to just sit there.
- Ah, ah.
- There we go.
After Beta Zeta rejected Barry for being himself, he had no choice but to shed his dream of frat-boy life.
What are you doing? Tossing out all the things I'd been saving for the day I finally joined a fraternity.
Goodbye, pledge paddle.
You will never redden the tushies of my friends.
That's Mom's cheese board.
Goodbye, togas, the preferred apparel of Greek gods and ghosts.
Those are my bed sheets.
Here.
Maybe you can find a better home for them.
I'll probably just continue to use them as sheets.
Goodbye, beer funnel.
That's a traffic cone.
Listen, Barry, you're so much better without those guys.
No, I'm not.
One of the reasons why I love Animal House was the idea that you could go from being a loser one minute to having 50 best friends the next.
You don't need a fraternity to do that.
Well, it hasn't happened in this dorm or anywhere else at this college.
Maybe Rick is right I'm not good enough.
Don't you get it? You already belong to an amazing fraternity, with true friends who love you.
- Who? - The JTP.
And they're struggling as much as you are.
I was such a jerk to them Such a jerk.
But the great thing about that is, a brother always forgives.
Matt Bradley's birthday! Go.
Thanks, Erica.
While Barry got emotional about his old friends, our dad decided it was time to get physical.
I'm a-ready.
What am I looking at? I thought the two of us could do the Jazzercise.
What? You know, the thing with the jumping around and the crappy music that you love so much.
I'm doing it up.
Jazzercising.
Jazzercising.
Can't stop Jazzercising.
I can't do it! Murray, we've got to figure this out.
The rest of our lives is coming sooner than you think.
Yeah.
I know.
I was, uh, walking around the house, and I couldn't find anybody and I, uh Felt alone? Yeah, maybe.
You know the words better than me.
And you thought maybe it would be nice to be surrounded by people who love you.
Sure.
Uh, yeah.
And you realized that without those people, the future might not be so great.
It's so hard for me to get excited about doing stuff, and there's only three things I like Sitting, watching sports, and you.
You might think I'm crazy I can work with that.
That night, my dad learned that being together was the only thing my mom ever really wanted.
It's what everyone wants Someone who will be there no matter what.
Aww.
Thanks, guys.
- JTP! - JTP! JTP! Hey.
Why aren't you hanging out with your new fraternity brothers? 'Cause I already have brothers, and they make up the greatest fraternity known to man JTP.
I'm sorry I wasn't there for you guys.
Doesn't matter 'cause you're here now.
JTP.
- JTP! - JTP! Now let's give stupid, sweet Matt Bradley his birthday spanking.
In the end, it's not always about what you do.
It's who you do it with that matters most.
Ta-da.
Oh! That is perfect! Let me see yours.
I made a calendar to show all the fun times we're gonna have.
I love it.
Yeah! Sometimes in life, we lose track of what's important.
It's easy to take relationships for granted, especially the ones that have been around for so long.
Sure, there's bumps along the way, but for the right people, coming back together makes you stronger than ever.
Those are the bonds that forge us for life.
All I want is you Animal House is the best movie ever! Here's my favorite part, where they freeze and tell you what happened to all the zany characters.
Hilarious! Man, I wish they could do that to me.