The Goldbergs s08e01 Episode Script
Airplane!
1
ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
Airplane! was the pinnacle
sky-high spoof.
And Leon's getting larger! It was packed with so many laughs, gags, and puns, you couldn't keep up.
And guess who knew it line-by-line.
Surely, you can't be serious.
I am serious.
And don't call me Shirley.
It's an adverb, but he thinks it's a ladies' name! It can't get any better! Look how happy this movie makes you.
It's so cute.
You're the cute one.
If you were a board game, you'd be Cutes N' Ladders.
If you were a cereal, you'd be Cutie Pebbles.
If you were a mathematician, you'd be Sir Isaac Cute-on.
Enough! You're both disgusting! Ren and I are so in sync, we even finish each other's - Sentences.
- word groupings.
(CHUCKLES) That counts.
Young, new love.
So very, very stupid.
Yep, when you've been together as long as we have, there's no need to prove anything.
Last night, we went to dinner and didn't say a single word grouping.
Listen up, sweet pits of my peach.
What's the greatest thing to ever happen to this family? When Barry fell in Aunt Dotty's open grave.
(LAUGHING) Best day of our lives.
We were grieving, and I brought joy.
Even better! We're flying to Miami! - (BARRY LAUGHS) - (BEVERLY LAUGHS) Come on, shake your body Baby, do the conga I know you can't control yourself any longer Come on, Erica, take on the rhythm of the night! Pass.
We are gonna spend our last few days before college starts together, and that's that.
I had a feeling you were gonna say that, which is why Geoff's invited, too.
I'm finally a part of the family! After years of personal indignities, I feel so special! Don't.
Because Brea and Ren are also in.
Noyce! Ren, this is the perfect time for us to get back on the same - Page! - airplane! What's up with you? Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
There is no way that Dad would pay for all of us to fly and stay in a hotel.
- What's your scheme, Blondie? - No scheme.
Remember when I screamed at that woman at the Sheraton because the complimentary champagne was too cold? Mandy from Fort Wayne cried so much.
The manager gave me 50 free nights to leave the premises.
So we all win.
Yes! I get to do Airplane! bits on an actual airplane! "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.
" (CHUCKLES) That's one of them.
(CONGA PLAYS) Come on, shake your body Baby, do the conga I know you can't control yourself any longer Come on, kids.
Feel the pulsing rhythm of Mama's hips! - Whoo! - Ohh! - Ow! - Oh, sorry! ADULT ADAM: It was the end of summer, 1980-something, and before we took to the skies, there were a few things to take care of on the ground.
Thank you so much for packing in here under my watchful eye.
You'll be happy to know this is a bag full of hand weights.
(FABRIC RIPS) Damn it! Idiot, these bags are for clothes.
That's why my fanny pack has everything I need Two bikinis, my scrunchy, and browning oil.
Someone's forgetting about the cool Latin nights.
And that right there is why I've gone ahead and packed for you.
These bags and the other 12 in the car should keep you covered.
This one's empty.
That is for all the hotel freebies that it is our divine right to take.
- Like shampoo? - Obviously.
But I'm talking so much more.
Robes, towels, the pens, stationery, batteries from the remote, the remote, pillows, hair dryer, iron, clock radio, and curtains, both window and shower.
Why not take the TV, too? Because that's stealing, Erica.
What the hell's going on? I've been waiting in the car for 16 minutes.
Murray, the flight doesn't leave for six hours.
We're not even in the air half that long.
Thank you, Amilio Airhead.
Have you taken into consideration the traffic, - the parking, the shuttle? - I guess not.
That's the smartest thing you've ever said.
I'll be waiting in the car.
This trip is gonna be so special.
(CHUCKLES) How special? Why did you pack me a cocktail dress? - Just in case.
- Just in case what? In case, uh, Edward James Olmos invites us for Mojitos on his cigarette boat.
(CHUCKLES) You got to keep an open mind.
The only thing open are my eyes.
You're definitely up to something, and I'm gonna find out what.
(CAR HORN HONKING) Yeah, Dad did an angry eight-point turn in the driveway.
He's ready.
ADULT ADAM: Packing may not have been our bag, but we were on our way to We were all super excited to go to Miami, except for my dad, who was totally terrified of flying.
How do they get all that metal up in the air? It makes no sense.
It also doesn't make any sense how much you're sweating.
Ha! He thinks we're all gonna die.
This guy.
If the plane doesn't kill you, I will.
Looks like it's time for someone to take their sleepy pills.
But that's my allergy meds.
What happens if I run into some buckwheat and my face gets puffy? More of you to love, schmoopaloo.
(CHUCKLES) Wow.
So much has happened, and we haven't even made it to the ticket counter.
This is nothing.
Good rule of thumb, as the plane goes higher, our appeal goes lower.
- Hey, guys.
- What the hell is this? I thought it'd be fun to dress like Crockett from Miami Vice.
I'm Crockett from Miami Vice.
Okay.
I'll be Tubbs, then.
Ooh, I like Tubbs.
You do? Switch it.
I'm Tubbs.
- Fine, Crockett it is.
- Yeah, Crockett is the man.
No, I'm the man! I have to be Crockett.
- Back to Tubbs.
- Not fair.
I have to be Tubbs.
Can you just tell me who you want to be? I will be Crockett and Tubbs, also known as Crubbs.
- Great.
- Great, and I'll be sitting in the back of the plane with you, confused.
Not in the back.
For my special lady, only first class will do.
Barry, is this because I told you I flew to St.
Barts in my parents' private plane? Did you? (CHUCKLES) I'd already forgotten you spent your summer and a lifetime in the lap of luxury.
I'm telling you coach is fine.
See, I'm gonna be a doctor for the 76ers, occasionally coming off the bench to windmill jam in Karl Malone's face.
My life will be one of pampered excess, and my classy lady doesn't sit in coach with the sky trash.
- Aww.
- (CHUCKLES) Wait, you got us tickets on Oceanic? Yes, Murray.
You told me to get the cheapest.
Yeah, I meant with yogurt, not taking a flying go-kart to your cousin's thing.
Shh! The kids don't know that's why we're going.
I don't even know why we're going.
I told you, it's Mitzy's son's Bar Mitzvah.
And once Bradley becomes a man, I will become the object of Mitzy's envy because my family is so attractive.
You know, once the kids find out you're dragging them to Miami for a religious thing, they're not gonna be happy.
Oh, but they will.
(CHUCKLES) They will.
You see? Something's up.
Whenever Mom has a secret plan, she always moves her fingers by her mouth, like a demented gerbil.
Well, maybe the secret plan is something very cool.
What are you talking about? I accidentally hinted to Geoff that we were gonna sit front row at a jai alai match with Miami Sound Machine.
Why would anyone believe those words? Because they know their mama would do anything for them.
They'll be all dressed up and excited, and then, boom! Everyone's lifting me up on a chair.
Your mom let slip she has a big surprise.
Now, I'm not gonna say a word, but it would be a high lie for me to say I'm not excited to meet a certain Latin songstress, of whom I'm a huge Este-fan.
Holy crap.
Are we going to a jai alai match with Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine? No.
Maybe.
Yes.
Damn it, Geoff! Be stronger! Once we're in that sweltering, windowless ballroom, they'll have a blast and forget all about my phony promises of skin and sand.
You know, the pills must be kicking in.
(CHUCKLES) 'Cause I don't care.
My mom wouldn't build a trip around some weird sport and a Latin pop orchestra.
Geoff, you're in charge of getting to the bottom of this.
On it.
Also, what a great start to a relaxing vacation.
Hi.
Barry Goldberg, AKA "Crubbs.
" Can I just say that is an ugly vest, - but somehow you manage to pull it off.
- Thank you? My girlfriend and I are ticketed to be in steerage, but we've been apart all summer, and I want this trip to be truly special.
That is so adorable! So, if you can get us an upgrade, I would sincerely appreciate it.
- (KEYBOARD CLACKING) - You're in luck.
Two seats left.
Yes! Eat my dust, second-class garbage people.
That'll be $5,000.
- What? - Bar, I told you it's fine.
It's not, okay? You deserve first class.
It's your birthright.
As it's mine to visit the captain in the cockpit so we can acknowledge each other as alpha males and he can let me flip switches and make bomber noises.
Come on, everyone.
We're heading to the gate.
Oh, and I just want to double-check that the three of you told Pops we did not need him - to drive us to the airport.
- Yes.
- Uh-huh.
- We said those words exactly.
ADULT ADAM: They had not.
Hey, don't take too much time! You'd hate to miss your flight! Did everyone go potty? Cargo hold's all clear, Mrs.
G.
Brea? Ren? Pishy and boom, hmm? Trust me, the less time you spend in a sky toilet, the better.
- Um - What's happening? ADULT ADAM: What's happening was it was time to board.
Flying in the '80s was a little different than it is now.
First, there was no security.
What's this? Nunchucks? Throwing stars? Rope dart? - Cool.
- (ZIPPER CLOSES) - Have a great flight.
- Thanks.
Then there was getting on the actual plane.
It was Well, less organized.
(AMPLIFIED) Three Two One Board! Get low and use your elbows! ADULT ADAM: Of course, my mom usually got us on first, and once we were on, that's when the real adventure began.
(SCOFFS) It won't recline.
(GROANS) Oh.
Mine won't, either.
Unacceptable for my swanky angel! Hey, we're switching, okay? These seats won't go back.
You're made of Silly Putty, so your body can fit in any container.
No way.
Accommodate me, or I'll do something very Barry-like.
It's okay.
I'd rather not see, hear, or smell whatever that means.
Gah! Isn't this sumptuous, baby? Now my jacked thighs can breathe.
Are these seats still not reclining properly? We have two available in first class.
Come with me.
Oh.
Wow.
What? This can't be happening.
And yet it is.
Have fun back here.
This can't get any worse.
I think I'm in the middle there.
Damn it! There goes my natural spreading room.
ADULT ADAM: While Barry's upgrade got denied, Brea and I were getting comfy.
So, this trip.
Just me and you.
I mean, I know we spend a lot of time together, but this is gonna be all day, every day.
You know, maybe there's still stuff that we don't know about each other.
Maybe.
Check this out.
Dan? Can I ask you a question? Question.
What is it? It's a sentence that's worded to elicit information, but that's not important right now.
Have you ever been to a Turkish prison? The Airplane! movie.
I can't wait to attend to your every need.
(GASPS) Why is there a guy on the wing? He's a mechanic.
Hey! The plane is broken! We won't make it! Don't worry, everyone.
He's just a nervous flier, um, with a bit of a nervous tummy.
So let's keep the mid-cabin lavatory available to him at all times.
Who is this lady? ADULT ADAM: In short, the last person you'd ever want to be on your flight.
- Naturally, flying with my family - (DINGS) was no joyride.
A Chablis for my husband, please.
- (DINGS) - Especially for the flight attendants.
Is this plane really flying to Miami? (DINGS) We've got clearance, Clarence.
What's the vector, Victor? Roger, Roger.
- (DINGS) - Would you let the captain know I'd like to drop by the cockpit? (DINGS) You're gonna have to deal with this baby's mother.
(SCOFFS) I got her to stop crying, and yet I'm the bad guy? (DINGS) Blink once if my mother is forcing you to take part in her scheme.
- (DINGS) - Do you like movies about gladiators? (LAUGHS) (DINGS) That lady has the drink cart again.
Drink up.
- ADULT ADAM: Yep, it usually got so bad - (DINGING) those poor sky stewards had no choice but to do this.
Our apologies.
The call button system has been disconnected.
Also, I know it seems like we've been flying for hours, but we'll be taking off shortly.
This really is a discount airline.
I'm gonna go speak to the captain about some flight vouchers.
Okay, my dad's alone and loopy.
Go pump him for intel.
Erica, is this really necessary? Yes.
I mean, this whole trip makes no sense.
When does my mom just give us stuff out of the blue? Adam has like 5,000 toys, Barry has every sporting good known to man, and you have more musical instruments than you even know how to play.
- What's a zither? - Something I need to be happy.
Go! ADULT ADAM: Erica knew my mom was hiding something, and lucky for Geoff, my dad was on something.
- Hey, Mr.
Goldberg.
How goes it? - So sleepy.
Okay, you seem incredibly drugged, so I'll just cut right to the chase.
Your daughter is a little bit suspicious about this trip.
Bradley's a man now.
Wait, like, Cousin Mitzy's Bradley? (WHISPERING) Bar Mitzvah boy.
Is that why we're going to Miami? We'll all be dancing the hora.
Geoffrey, can I speak to you alone, please? No, that's okay And it's happening! Do you know what the most important thing in the world to me is? Mrs.
G, as you know, I'm incredibly claustrophobic.
Family.
The family that you are now a part of.
There's not a lot of air in here.
Throat's getting tight.
- (TOILET FLUSHES) - Oh, no! I just flushed the toilet - with my foot! - You have to promise to keep my secret.
Secrets are what hold a family together and make it strong.
You know what else is strong, is your grip.
- Shh.
- Yep.
(CHUCKLES) Tummy trouble for this one.
What the hell was that? Your mom helped me through some bathroom issues, - and nothing more! - (INTERCOM CHIMES) CAPTAIN ROGER: Hey, folks.
This is your captain.
There's a large storm brewing.
It's gonna get bumpy, so hang on to those cigarettes.
ADULT ADAM: Despite the rough air, we were finally ready for takeoff.
- And knowing my family, - That's right.
it was gonna get even bumpier.
ADULT ADAM: The Goldbergs were in the air.
And while my dad was out cold, Barry was still fired up.
Barry, enough! Let him have it.
He's the one stuck in the middle.
In more ways than one.
No one's talking to you, Middle.
Bar, just try to focus on the good stuff, okay? We're going to Miami together.
(SIGHS) You're right.
This is special.
- It really is.
- Not for me.
But I want it to be more than special.
Which is why you should be in first class.
Outta my way.
Crubbs a-comin' through! So, look, there's something I wanted to talk to you about.
Um, this is kinda hard for me.
Surely, you can't be serious.
Actually, I am.
And don't call you Shirley? (CHUCKLES) I set you up, but you missed that one.
It feels like you're missing it.
Uh-oh.
Trouble in nerd paradise? Barry, not now.
You two should hash things out in coach, where commoners like yourselves stare out the window and dream of better lives that will never materialize.
Okay, Bar, it's painfully clear you're insecure about Ren's parents being rich.
Am not.
I don't care she has a butler with a turban, like in Annie.
Just take your bickering to the air slums.
Never.
Our unbreakable bond will see us through anything.
Brea, I'm sorry about all the Airplane! jokes.
So you'll stop and we can talk? Of course.
What's on your mind? Hey, the fog is getting thicker.
ADULT ADAM: One of the best Airplane! bits.
Barry knew I was powerless to the comedy and had to finish the joke.
And Leon's getting larger! - I'm out.
- I'm sorry! He set me up! But you gotta admit it's a classic line.
Enjoy first class, Barry.
Tell Ren I'll grab a cookie, get the lay of the land, and send for her.
While Barry was settling in, Erica wasn't letting Geoff get comfortable.
Oh, let me give you this pillow.
Sleepy time's over.
Now talk.
There's nothing to talk about! And now I got sandwich on my Crockett pants! Erica could care less about linen pants.
She knew she had to get Geoff to crack.
Oh, no! It's happening again! I know you know what my mom is up to.
Windpipe so tight, but also our bodies are pressed so close.
Conflicting feelings.
Not to worry, folks.
(CHUCKLES) My boyfriend got extreme diarrhea, but nothing I can't handle.
Geoff, do you need me to help you with your extreme diarrhea? He's fine.
He was holding something in, but it's all out now.
What the hell is wrong with you people? That's an adult man! (GROANS) Murray.
Too many Airplane! jokes? Impossible.
What's impossible is how sweet the sea beef is.
(CHUCKLES) I'm gonna mow through three more and get Ren.
Yo, idiots.
Erica? How'd you get up here? Yeah, I defeated the impenetrable security that is a curtain with Velcro.
Listen up, because the rest of this trip is going to be hell.
Murray, are you in there? (GRUNTS) Ohh.
Excuse me.
Um, you've over-served my husband, and now he's trapped in the bathroom.
They're having a lot of issues in there.
(DOOR HANDLE RATTLES) I can't get it open.
Something's wedged against the door.
Must be my grumpy bear.
(INTERCOM CHIMES) BEVERLY: Excuse me.
Uh, is there a licensed locksmith on the plane? (CHUCKLES) My husband is trapped in our bathroom.
- (INTERCOM DINGS) - Well, you better get him out, because he's the only one that's going with you to that Bar Mitzvah.
That's right.
We all know.
Geoffrey, that was our special bathroom secret! I'm sorry, Mrs.
G.
Also, I would like to announce that I do not have extreme diarrhea.
No one cares about your jacked-up butt, Geoff! All they care about is that our garbage mom lied to us! - (INTERCOM CHIMES) - CAPTAIN ROGER: Folks, the PA system is for the cabin crew only.
- (INTERCOM CHIMES) - So, there's no beach.
You still get to groove to slightly out-of-date pop tunes with middle schoolers.
No way! We're not going anywhere with you! (DOOR SLAMS) This is the captain.
I can't fly with someone trapped in the lavatory.
We're making an emergency landing.
(PASSENGERS GROAN) Hi.
I'm Barry Goldberg, the rival stag you've been smelling.
Get back to your seats.
Surely, you can't be serious.
If you don't, I'll have you arrested.
That's Not the line.
ADULT ADAM: Yep, the Goldbergs were officially grounded and my mom's Bar Mitzvah dreams all but over.
Well, there's not another flight out until tomorrow, and they won't let us back on the plane, so (SIGHS) I guess we'll just go back home.
It's what you all wanted, anyway.
Well, I'm not gonna feel bad about this.
Me, neither.
If anything, she should be apologizing to us.
Bar Mitzvah or not, it's still a trip to Miami.
Yeah, which is ruining our last week of summer.
And because of that, I've developed a drinking problem.
(SIGHS) That's from Airplane!, but it works here.
It really doesn't.
Look, Adam, I've been trying to tell you something this whole flight, something I've been able to hide our entire relationship.
This happens a lot.
She's in love with me.
Definitely not.
It's this.
(SIGHS) So much metal.
I have to wear this 10 hours a day until my jaw's realigned.
What an intense chin strap.
I was embarrassed about it, but turns out you're much more embarrassing.
Is that cowhide? Well, I think we can all agree this is our mom's fault.
- She's the worst.
- Or maybe you are.
I I'm sorry, but I was forced into that tiny sky bathroom too many times.
And all your mom wanted to do was show you guys off.
That tracks.
We are the best.
It doesn't change the fact that she tricked us into coming.
I had to! Do you guys remember my cousin Larry's son's wedding last year? Or Great Aunt Peggy's funeral? Or the 90th birthday dinner for Uncle Leonard? - No.
- Who? I have a very busy schedule.
Exactly, 'cause every time there's a big event, none of you will come with me.
I've got these great kids, and all anyone knows about them is that they never show up.
Oh, man, she went and made it real.
Sometimes I can't believe what I have A son who's gonna be a doctor, and another one who's so imaginative, I'm constantly in awe.
And a daughter who's as smart and tough as any woman I've ever known.
Just want the rest of the family to see what I have.
(SIGHS) (INHALES SHARPLY) Yikes.
Yeah.
I didn't know we had an Uncle Leonard, either.
Idiots, we have to do something.
But what? Sometimes to make things right, you have to do something very wrong.
(CONGA PLAYS) ADULT ADAM: With that, we unleashed our embarrassing, shameful Goldberg fury.
(VOICE BREAKING) You don't understand.
We have to get on that plane.
Erica channeled her inner Beverly by going nuclear on customer service.
Barry showed the captain who was really in charge.
And I weaponized my love of Airplane! to wear down the gate agent.
They love me.
They really love me! Eh, I hope that's what this is.
And before long, against all odds, we were on our way again to Miami.
Oh, no! They promised me you wouldn't be back! Don't worry.
You can take the aisle if you want.
I'd rather sit next to my girlfriend.
You sure you don't want to be in first class? I don't know what I was thinking.
The seat next to you is the best one there is.
I'm out.
I'll meet my birth mother some other time.
Thanks for setting me straight.
Hey, that's what family does.
I mean, we're not family family, but I'm kind of in your family, but Shh.
We're definitely family.
For the record, I think you look adorable in your headgear.
Really? I hate it so much.
It means we have even more in common than we thought.
You have headgear, too? And corrective lenses for my lazy eye, special inserts for my flat feet, and like five different inhalers.
I guess we're both kind of a mess, then.
As long as we're a mess together.
Oh.
Right.
These don't recline.
You can lean on me instead.
Roger, Roger.
ADULT ADAM: Turns out my love of one little movie rubbed off in an unexpected way.
Ooh, first class, Murray! I could get used to this.
Bevy, for you, I'd fly to the moon.
- (ENGINE WHIRS) - What was that? Just the engine.
(DINGING) We're gonna need all of your Chablises.
With that, we took to the skies Again.
And eventually, we made it to Bradley's Bar Mitzvah.
Sure, we traded the sun and sand for bubbies and a buffet, but our mom was right.
It was worth it.
We had the best time ever because we had everything we needed right there.
We had each other.
Come on, shake your body Baby, do the conga With the power of wind, airplanes will always hit the ground.
Whee! We're flying! Gee, this is great.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Aah! What does this button do? I told you not to touch anything.
Check it out! It's Otto the Autopilot from Airplane! I'll take it from here! Do not touch the controls with your toy! Toy? This is a certified replica movie prop.
Attention, passengers, this is your new top gun, Barry Goldberg, call sign Strike Eagle Seven.
Prepare yourselves for a barrel roll.
Get off that! Otto's got a leak.
We need to make an emergency landing Or get some Scotch tape.
Look, this button says "fuel dump.
" Ha ha ha! Dump! No!
And Leon's getting larger! It was packed with so many laughs, gags, and puns, you couldn't keep up.
And guess who knew it line-by-line.
Surely, you can't be serious.
I am serious.
And don't call me Shirley.
It's an adverb, but he thinks it's a ladies' name! It can't get any better! Look how happy this movie makes you.
It's so cute.
You're the cute one.
If you were a board game, you'd be Cutes N' Ladders.
If you were a cereal, you'd be Cutie Pebbles.
If you were a mathematician, you'd be Sir Isaac Cute-on.
Enough! You're both disgusting! Ren and I are so in sync, we even finish each other's - Sentences.
- word groupings.
(CHUCKLES) That counts.
Young, new love.
So very, very stupid.
Yep, when you've been together as long as we have, there's no need to prove anything.
Last night, we went to dinner and didn't say a single word grouping.
Listen up, sweet pits of my peach.
What's the greatest thing to ever happen to this family? When Barry fell in Aunt Dotty's open grave.
(LAUGHING) Best day of our lives.
We were grieving, and I brought joy.
Even better! We're flying to Miami! - (BARRY LAUGHS) - (BEVERLY LAUGHS) Come on, shake your body Baby, do the conga I know you can't control yourself any longer Come on, Erica, take on the rhythm of the night! Pass.
We are gonna spend our last few days before college starts together, and that's that.
I had a feeling you were gonna say that, which is why Geoff's invited, too.
I'm finally a part of the family! After years of personal indignities, I feel so special! Don't.
Because Brea and Ren are also in.
Noyce! Ren, this is the perfect time for us to get back on the same - Page! - airplane! What's up with you? Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
There is no way that Dad would pay for all of us to fly and stay in a hotel.
- What's your scheme, Blondie? - No scheme.
Remember when I screamed at that woman at the Sheraton because the complimentary champagne was too cold? Mandy from Fort Wayne cried so much.
The manager gave me 50 free nights to leave the premises.
So we all win.
Yes! I get to do Airplane! bits on an actual airplane! "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.
" (CHUCKLES) That's one of them.
(CONGA PLAYS) Come on, shake your body Baby, do the conga I know you can't control yourself any longer Come on, kids.
Feel the pulsing rhythm of Mama's hips! - Whoo! - Ohh! - Ow! - Oh, sorry! ADULT ADAM: It was the end of summer, 1980-something, and before we took to the skies, there were a few things to take care of on the ground.
Thank you so much for packing in here under my watchful eye.
You'll be happy to know this is a bag full of hand weights.
(FABRIC RIPS) Damn it! Idiot, these bags are for clothes.
That's why my fanny pack has everything I need Two bikinis, my scrunchy, and browning oil.
Someone's forgetting about the cool Latin nights.
And that right there is why I've gone ahead and packed for you.
These bags and the other 12 in the car should keep you covered.
This one's empty.
That is for all the hotel freebies that it is our divine right to take.
- Like shampoo? - Obviously.
But I'm talking so much more.
Robes, towels, the pens, stationery, batteries from the remote, the remote, pillows, hair dryer, iron, clock radio, and curtains, both window and shower.
Why not take the TV, too? Because that's stealing, Erica.
What the hell's going on? I've been waiting in the car for 16 minutes.
Murray, the flight doesn't leave for six hours.
We're not even in the air half that long.
Thank you, Amilio Airhead.
Have you taken into consideration the traffic, - the parking, the shuttle? - I guess not.
That's the smartest thing you've ever said.
I'll be waiting in the car.
This trip is gonna be so special.
(CHUCKLES) How special? Why did you pack me a cocktail dress? - Just in case.
- Just in case what? In case, uh, Edward James Olmos invites us for Mojitos on his cigarette boat.
(CHUCKLES) You got to keep an open mind.
The only thing open are my eyes.
You're definitely up to something, and I'm gonna find out what.
(CAR HORN HONKING) Yeah, Dad did an angry eight-point turn in the driveway.
He's ready.
ADULT ADAM: Packing may not have been our bag, but we were on our way to We were all super excited to go to Miami, except for my dad, who was totally terrified of flying.
How do they get all that metal up in the air? It makes no sense.
It also doesn't make any sense how much you're sweating.
Ha! He thinks we're all gonna die.
This guy.
If the plane doesn't kill you, I will.
Looks like it's time for someone to take their sleepy pills.
But that's my allergy meds.
What happens if I run into some buckwheat and my face gets puffy? More of you to love, schmoopaloo.
(CHUCKLES) Wow.
So much has happened, and we haven't even made it to the ticket counter.
This is nothing.
Good rule of thumb, as the plane goes higher, our appeal goes lower.
- Hey, guys.
- What the hell is this? I thought it'd be fun to dress like Crockett from Miami Vice.
I'm Crockett from Miami Vice.
Okay.
I'll be Tubbs, then.
Ooh, I like Tubbs.
You do? Switch it.
I'm Tubbs.
- Fine, Crockett it is.
- Yeah, Crockett is the man.
No, I'm the man! I have to be Crockett.
- Back to Tubbs.
- Not fair.
I have to be Tubbs.
Can you just tell me who you want to be? I will be Crockett and Tubbs, also known as Crubbs.
- Great.
- Great, and I'll be sitting in the back of the plane with you, confused.
Not in the back.
For my special lady, only first class will do.
Barry, is this because I told you I flew to St.
Barts in my parents' private plane? Did you? (CHUCKLES) I'd already forgotten you spent your summer and a lifetime in the lap of luxury.
I'm telling you coach is fine.
See, I'm gonna be a doctor for the 76ers, occasionally coming off the bench to windmill jam in Karl Malone's face.
My life will be one of pampered excess, and my classy lady doesn't sit in coach with the sky trash.
- Aww.
- (CHUCKLES) Wait, you got us tickets on Oceanic? Yes, Murray.
You told me to get the cheapest.
Yeah, I meant with yogurt, not taking a flying go-kart to your cousin's thing.
Shh! The kids don't know that's why we're going.
I don't even know why we're going.
I told you, it's Mitzy's son's Bar Mitzvah.
And once Bradley becomes a man, I will become the object of Mitzy's envy because my family is so attractive.
You know, once the kids find out you're dragging them to Miami for a religious thing, they're not gonna be happy.
Oh, but they will.
(CHUCKLES) They will.
You see? Something's up.
Whenever Mom has a secret plan, she always moves her fingers by her mouth, like a demented gerbil.
Well, maybe the secret plan is something very cool.
What are you talking about? I accidentally hinted to Geoff that we were gonna sit front row at a jai alai match with Miami Sound Machine.
Why would anyone believe those words? Because they know their mama would do anything for them.
They'll be all dressed up and excited, and then, boom! Everyone's lifting me up on a chair.
Your mom let slip she has a big surprise.
Now, I'm not gonna say a word, but it would be a high lie for me to say I'm not excited to meet a certain Latin songstress, of whom I'm a huge Este-fan.
Holy crap.
Are we going to a jai alai match with Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine? No.
Maybe.
Yes.
Damn it, Geoff! Be stronger! Once we're in that sweltering, windowless ballroom, they'll have a blast and forget all about my phony promises of skin and sand.
You know, the pills must be kicking in.
(CHUCKLES) 'Cause I don't care.
My mom wouldn't build a trip around some weird sport and a Latin pop orchestra.
Geoff, you're in charge of getting to the bottom of this.
On it.
Also, what a great start to a relaxing vacation.
Hi.
Barry Goldberg, AKA "Crubbs.
" Can I just say that is an ugly vest, - but somehow you manage to pull it off.
- Thank you? My girlfriend and I are ticketed to be in steerage, but we've been apart all summer, and I want this trip to be truly special.
That is so adorable! So, if you can get us an upgrade, I would sincerely appreciate it.
- (KEYBOARD CLACKING) - You're in luck.
Two seats left.
Yes! Eat my dust, second-class garbage people.
That'll be $5,000.
- What? - Bar, I told you it's fine.
It's not, okay? You deserve first class.
It's your birthright.
As it's mine to visit the captain in the cockpit so we can acknowledge each other as alpha males and he can let me flip switches and make bomber noises.
Come on, everyone.
We're heading to the gate.
Oh, and I just want to double-check that the three of you told Pops we did not need him - to drive us to the airport.
- Yes.
- Uh-huh.
- We said those words exactly.
ADULT ADAM: They had not.
Hey, don't take too much time! You'd hate to miss your flight! Did everyone go potty? Cargo hold's all clear, Mrs.
G.
Brea? Ren? Pishy and boom, hmm? Trust me, the less time you spend in a sky toilet, the better.
- Um - What's happening? ADULT ADAM: What's happening was it was time to board.
Flying in the '80s was a little different than it is now.
First, there was no security.
What's this? Nunchucks? Throwing stars? Rope dart? - Cool.
- (ZIPPER CLOSES) - Have a great flight.
- Thanks.
Then there was getting on the actual plane.
It was Well, less organized.
(AMPLIFIED) Three Two One Board! Get low and use your elbows! ADULT ADAM: Of course, my mom usually got us on first, and once we were on, that's when the real adventure began.
(SCOFFS) It won't recline.
(GROANS) Oh.
Mine won't, either.
Unacceptable for my swanky angel! Hey, we're switching, okay? These seats won't go back.
You're made of Silly Putty, so your body can fit in any container.
No way.
Accommodate me, or I'll do something very Barry-like.
It's okay.
I'd rather not see, hear, or smell whatever that means.
Gah! Isn't this sumptuous, baby? Now my jacked thighs can breathe.
Are these seats still not reclining properly? We have two available in first class.
Come with me.
Oh.
Wow.
What? This can't be happening.
And yet it is.
Have fun back here.
This can't get any worse.
I think I'm in the middle there.
Damn it! There goes my natural spreading room.
ADULT ADAM: While Barry's upgrade got denied, Brea and I were getting comfy.
So, this trip.
Just me and you.
I mean, I know we spend a lot of time together, but this is gonna be all day, every day.
You know, maybe there's still stuff that we don't know about each other.
Maybe.
Check this out.
Dan? Can I ask you a question? Question.
What is it? It's a sentence that's worded to elicit information, but that's not important right now.
Have you ever been to a Turkish prison? The Airplane! movie.
I can't wait to attend to your every need.
(GASPS) Why is there a guy on the wing? He's a mechanic.
Hey! The plane is broken! We won't make it! Don't worry, everyone.
He's just a nervous flier, um, with a bit of a nervous tummy.
So let's keep the mid-cabin lavatory available to him at all times.
Who is this lady? ADULT ADAM: In short, the last person you'd ever want to be on your flight.
- Naturally, flying with my family - (DINGS) was no joyride.
A Chablis for my husband, please.
- (DINGS) - Especially for the flight attendants.
Is this plane really flying to Miami? (DINGS) We've got clearance, Clarence.
What's the vector, Victor? Roger, Roger.
- (DINGS) - Would you let the captain know I'd like to drop by the cockpit? (DINGS) You're gonna have to deal with this baby's mother.
(SCOFFS) I got her to stop crying, and yet I'm the bad guy? (DINGS) Blink once if my mother is forcing you to take part in her scheme.
- (DINGS) - Do you like movies about gladiators? (LAUGHS) (DINGS) That lady has the drink cart again.
Drink up.
- ADULT ADAM: Yep, it usually got so bad - (DINGING) those poor sky stewards had no choice but to do this.
Our apologies.
The call button system has been disconnected.
Also, I know it seems like we've been flying for hours, but we'll be taking off shortly.
This really is a discount airline.
I'm gonna go speak to the captain about some flight vouchers.
Okay, my dad's alone and loopy.
Go pump him for intel.
Erica, is this really necessary? Yes.
I mean, this whole trip makes no sense.
When does my mom just give us stuff out of the blue? Adam has like 5,000 toys, Barry has every sporting good known to man, and you have more musical instruments than you even know how to play.
- What's a zither? - Something I need to be happy.
Go! ADULT ADAM: Erica knew my mom was hiding something, and lucky for Geoff, my dad was on something.
- Hey, Mr.
Goldberg.
How goes it? - So sleepy.
Okay, you seem incredibly drugged, so I'll just cut right to the chase.
Your daughter is a little bit suspicious about this trip.
Bradley's a man now.
Wait, like, Cousin Mitzy's Bradley? (WHISPERING) Bar Mitzvah boy.
Is that why we're going to Miami? We'll all be dancing the hora.
Geoffrey, can I speak to you alone, please? No, that's okay And it's happening! Do you know what the most important thing in the world to me is? Mrs.
G, as you know, I'm incredibly claustrophobic.
Family.
The family that you are now a part of.
There's not a lot of air in here.
Throat's getting tight.
- (TOILET FLUSHES) - Oh, no! I just flushed the toilet - with my foot! - You have to promise to keep my secret.
Secrets are what hold a family together and make it strong.
You know what else is strong, is your grip.
- Shh.
- Yep.
(CHUCKLES) Tummy trouble for this one.
What the hell was that? Your mom helped me through some bathroom issues, - and nothing more! - (INTERCOM CHIMES) CAPTAIN ROGER: Hey, folks.
This is your captain.
There's a large storm brewing.
It's gonna get bumpy, so hang on to those cigarettes.
ADULT ADAM: Despite the rough air, we were finally ready for takeoff.
- And knowing my family, - That's right.
it was gonna get even bumpier.
ADULT ADAM: The Goldbergs were in the air.
And while my dad was out cold, Barry was still fired up.
Barry, enough! Let him have it.
He's the one stuck in the middle.
In more ways than one.
No one's talking to you, Middle.
Bar, just try to focus on the good stuff, okay? We're going to Miami together.
(SIGHS) You're right.
This is special.
- It really is.
- Not for me.
But I want it to be more than special.
Which is why you should be in first class.
Outta my way.
Crubbs a-comin' through! So, look, there's something I wanted to talk to you about.
Um, this is kinda hard for me.
Surely, you can't be serious.
Actually, I am.
And don't call you Shirley? (CHUCKLES) I set you up, but you missed that one.
It feels like you're missing it.
Uh-oh.
Trouble in nerd paradise? Barry, not now.
You two should hash things out in coach, where commoners like yourselves stare out the window and dream of better lives that will never materialize.
Okay, Bar, it's painfully clear you're insecure about Ren's parents being rich.
Am not.
I don't care she has a butler with a turban, like in Annie.
Just take your bickering to the air slums.
Never.
Our unbreakable bond will see us through anything.
Brea, I'm sorry about all the Airplane! jokes.
So you'll stop and we can talk? Of course.
What's on your mind? Hey, the fog is getting thicker.
ADULT ADAM: One of the best Airplane! bits.
Barry knew I was powerless to the comedy and had to finish the joke.
And Leon's getting larger! - I'm out.
- I'm sorry! He set me up! But you gotta admit it's a classic line.
Enjoy first class, Barry.
Tell Ren I'll grab a cookie, get the lay of the land, and send for her.
While Barry was settling in, Erica wasn't letting Geoff get comfortable.
Oh, let me give you this pillow.
Sleepy time's over.
Now talk.
There's nothing to talk about! And now I got sandwich on my Crockett pants! Erica could care less about linen pants.
She knew she had to get Geoff to crack.
Oh, no! It's happening again! I know you know what my mom is up to.
Windpipe so tight, but also our bodies are pressed so close.
Conflicting feelings.
Not to worry, folks.
(CHUCKLES) My boyfriend got extreme diarrhea, but nothing I can't handle.
Geoff, do you need me to help you with your extreme diarrhea? He's fine.
He was holding something in, but it's all out now.
What the hell is wrong with you people? That's an adult man! (GROANS) Murray.
Too many Airplane! jokes? Impossible.
What's impossible is how sweet the sea beef is.
(CHUCKLES) I'm gonna mow through three more and get Ren.
Yo, idiots.
Erica? How'd you get up here? Yeah, I defeated the impenetrable security that is a curtain with Velcro.
Listen up, because the rest of this trip is going to be hell.
Murray, are you in there? (GRUNTS) Ohh.
Excuse me.
Um, you've over-served my husband, and now he's trapped in the bathroom.
They're having a lot of issues in there.
(DOOR HANDLE RATTLES) I can't get it open.
Something's wedged against the door.
Must be my grumpy bear.
(INTERCOM CHIMES) BEVERLY: Excuse me.
Uh, is there a licensed locksmith on the plane? (CHUCKLES) My husband is trapped in our bathroom.
- (INTERCOM DINGS) - Well, you better get him out, because he's the only one that's going with you to that Bar Mitzvah.
That's right.
We all know.
Geoffrey, that was our special bathroom secret! I'm sorry, Mrs.
G.
Also, I would like to announce that I do not have extreme diarrhea.
No one cares about your jacked-up butt, Geoff! All they care about is that our garbage mom lied to us! - (INTERCOM CHIMES) - CAPTAIN ROGER: Folks, the PA system is for the cabin crew only.
- (INTERCOM CHIMES) - So, there's no beach.
You still get to groove to slightly out-of-date pop tunes with middle schoolers.
No way! We're not going anywhere with you! (DOOR SLAMS) This is the captain.
I can't fly with someone trapped in the lavatory.
We're making an emergency landing.
(PASSENGERS GROAN) Hi.
I'm Barry Goldberg, the rival stag you've been smelling.
Get back to your seats.
Surely, you can't be serious.
If you don't, I'll have you arrested.
That's Not the line.
ADULT ADAM: Yep, the Goldbergs were officially grounded and my mom's Bar Mitzvah dreams all but over.
Well, there's not another flight out until tomorrow, and they won't let us back on the plane, so (SIGHS) I guess we'll just go back home.
It's what you all wanted, anyway.
Well, I'm not gonna feel bad about this.
Me, neither.
If anything, she should be apologizing to us.
Bar Mitzvah or not, it's still a trip to Miami.
Yeah, which is ruining our last week of summer.
And because of that, I've developed a drinking problem.
(SIGHS) That's from Airplane!, but it works here.
It really doesn't.
Look, Adam, I've been trying to tell you something this whole flight, something I've been able to hide our entire relationship.
This happens a lot.
She's in love with me.
Definitely not.
It's this.
(SIGHS) So much metal.
I have to wear this 10 hours a day until my jaw's realigned.
What an intense chin strap.
I was embarrassed about it, but turns out you're much more embarrassing.
Is that cowhide? Well, I think we can all agree this is our mom's fault.
- She's the worst.
- Or maybe you are.
I I'm sorry, but I was forced into that tiny sky bathroom too many times.
And all your mom wanted to do was show you guys off.
That tracks.
We are the best.
It doesn't change the fact that she tricked us into coming.
I had to! Do you guys remember my cousin Larry's son's wedding last year? Or Great Aunt Peggy's funeral? Or the 90th birthday dinner for Uncle Leonard? - No.
- Who? I have a very busy schedule.
Exactly, 'cause every time there's a big event, none of you will come with me.
I've got these great kids, and all anyone knows about them is that they never show up.
Oh, man, she went and made it real.
Sometimes I can't believe what I have A son who's gonna be a doctor, and another one who's so imaginative, I'm constantly in awe.
And a daughter who's as smart and tough as any woman I've ever known.
Just want the rest of the family to see what I have.
(SIGHS) (INHALES SHARPLY) Yikes.
Yeah.
I didn't know we had an Uncle Leonard, either.
Idiots, we have to do something.
But what? Sometimes to make things right, you have to do something very wrong.
(CONGA PLAYS) ADULT ADAM: With that, we unleashed our embarrassing, shameful Goldberg fury.
(VOICE BREAKING) You don't understand.
We have to get on that plane.
Erica channeled her inner Beverly by going nuclear on customer service.
Barry showed the captain who was really in charge.
And I weaponized my love of Airplane! to wear down the gate agent.
They love me.
They really love me! Eh, I hope that's what this is.
And before long, against all odds, we were on our way again to Miami.
Oh, no! They promised me you wouldn't be back! Don't worry.
You can take the aisle if you want.
I'd rather sit next to my girlfriend.
You sure you don't want to be in first class? I don't know what I was thinking.
The seat next to you is the best one there is.
I'm out.
I'll meet my birth mother some other time.
Thanks for setting me straight.
Hey, that's what family does.
I mean, we're not family family, but I'm kind of in your family, but Shh.
We're definitely family.
For the record, I think you look adorable in your headgear.
Really? I hate it so much.
It means we have even more in common than we thought.
You have headgear, too? And corrective lenses for my lazy eye, special inserts for my flat feet, and like five different inhalers.
I guess we're both kind of a mess, then.
As long as we're a mess together.
Oh.
Right.
These don't recline.
You can lean on me instead.
Roger, Roger.
ADULT ADAM: Turns out my love of one little movie rubbed off in an unexpected way.
Ooh, first class, Murray! I could get used to this.
Bevy, for you, I'd fly to the moon.
- (ENGINE WHIRS) - What was that? Just the engine.
(DINGING) We're gonna need all of your Chablises.
With that, we took to the skies Again.
And eventually, we made it to Bradley's Bar Mitzvah.
Sure, we traded the sun and sand for bubbies and a buffet, but our mom was right.
It was worth it.
We had the best time ever because we had everything we needed right there.
We had each other.
Come on, shake your body Baby, do the conga With the power of wind, airplanes will always hit the ground.
Whee! We're flying! Gee, this is great.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Aah! What does this button do? I told you not to touch anything.
Check it out! It's Otto the Autopilot from Airplane! I'll take it from here! Do not touch the controls with your toy! Toy? This is a certified replica movie prop.
Attention, passengers, this is your new top gun, Barry Goldberg, call sign Strike Eagle Seven.
Prepare yourselves for a barrel roll.
Get off that! Otto's got a leak.
We need to make an emergency landing Or get some Scotch tape.
Look, this button says "fuel dump.
" Ha ha ha! Dump! No!