The Goldbergs s09e14 Episode Script

The Steve Weekend

Back in the '80s, my brother was an unlikely ladies' man.
But when he met Joanne, an equally unpredictable wildcard, he finally found his perfect fit.
Thank you for attending this emergency presentation of our plans for your bachelor and bachelorette parties.
None of this seems like an emergency.
Shut up! Let's begin with diving, scuba, cliff, and sky.
Your body might explode from all the drastic changes in pressure.
Yeah, the only thing I'm jumping out of is bed every morning at 5:00.
More time for a lazy breakfast with a book.
Fret not, my gutless friend.
I'll strap you to my back so if the chute doesn't open, we'll smash together into an indecipherable slop that our parents will pour into a single grave.
- Aw.
- Fun.
Joanne, what do you got for me? Are we doing the two-man soup coffin? Better! We will be flying to Seville to run with the bulls! Or possibly Chicago to run with Bulls forward Scottie Pippen.
I prefer neither.
Hell you say? I spent minutes on this stuff.
Sorry, we're just not interested in group danger or injury.
But it is my duty as your best man to possibly ruin your life with one filthy weekend.
And my duty as a person who wants to do improper and vulgar stuff.
We have the solution.
We're going to do a simple, co-ed weekend - with our friends at the beach.
- Boring! It won't be as boring as you think because all of your exes will be there.
Bar, will you be okay spending time with Lainey, Ren, and Valley Erica? Worry about them.
I'll be parading around in my white Speedo with foxy Joanne in her white Speedo.
- Aw.
- Yeah, aw.
- Get over here.
- Oh, ooh! It was February 23rd, 1980-something, and my mom was meeting with the officiant of my sister's wedding, my dad's friend, Vic.
And I boned up on your people's marriage rituals, and nowhere in your sacred texts is it kosher for the mother-in-law to hold hands with the bride and groom as they do their vows.
I guess we'll just have to wait for our three-person dance.
Beverly, I assume you've seen this morning's Jenkintown Examiner? Ooh, I love the Examiner.
They did that expose on the donut place I like.
My love of crullers helped fund the war in Nicaragua.
No, this is about our children's wedding announcement.
Kinda what I wanted to talk to you about, Beverly.
"Geoffrey Todd Schwartz, son of L and L Schwartz," "to wed Erica Goldberg, daughter of Beverly Goldberg," "beloved cookbook author, beloved almost lawyer," "and beloved Quaker Warden of William Penn Academy.
" Are you concerned there aren't enough "beloveds?" I faxed you a cornucopia of biographical information, none of which you included.
Space was limited.
So limited you couldn't include our first names? And why is there a photo of you? Well, I commissioned a portrait, but it wasn't ready.
Now, thanks for stopping by, but I have a wedding to plan.
Well, why don't I take something off your hands? Uh, well, you could valet the cars? I'm the father of the groom.
Also, I can't get in and out of those low Japanese models.
How 'bout this? I make the video tribute.
Adam's on that.
Oh, Adam's not on that.
These are the last couple months with m'lady friend, Brea, so I'm kinda trying to you know, make hay.
The fellas get it.
- Not really.
- A little shame is a good thing, son.
So it's decided then.
Now if you'll excuse me, I probably should return this to the library.
You gotta spy on Lou while he makes this video.
- No thanks! - Yes, thanks! This wedding is a sacred event to our family.
I need to know if Lou Schwartz is doing me dirty! Doing you dirty? The man has season tickets to something called "Jazz Under the Stars.
" I'll buy you something expensive.
That's all you had to say.
While my mom suspected Lou was up to no good, Geoff and Erica were down the shore for their big weekend.
What's with the flowers? They're for Barry's exes.
He thought it'd be a nice way to welcome them.
While my former lovers may no longer be able to enjoy my ripped bod or neon charisma, these flowers from the open lot across the street should ease the longing.
I'm gonna ignore it all and ask that you never say "lovers" again.
JTP! JTP! My boys are in the house! Yeah, we are! - And we're psyched, man! - Totally.
When we first heard you were doing something nontraditional, we were like, "What?" Yeah, but then we realized we're single men.
We can do unspeakable acts any time we want.
Oh, big time.
I am just one bad choice away from ruining my life and many others.
Well, why don't you dip your toes in these rough waters and try this crudites plate? Oh, carrot crazy.
We made it! Barely.
We had a little problem with our flight.
Uh, a flight of tequila at our stopover in Detroit.
I like the clear kind and also the other kind.
- Oh.
- So much.
There they are, all my former flames.
Just a little bit dimmer.
Here, let me throw some kerosene on that.
And what are these for? For your bravery.
Why are we brave, exactly? Well, you showed up here at the great personal cost of being around me and my erotically potent lady friend, Joanne.
She's also my sister, so it takes time getting used to.
Anyway, you gutsy spinsters need help with your bags? Oh, we're good.
The guys are on it.
Guys? On it? Good? Everyone, this is my husband, Dr.
Stephen Stephens.
His name is ridiculous, but he is rad.
It's nice to meet all of you.
Oh, I should take this.
Dan Majerle pulled his groin again.
"Thunder" Dan Majerle from the Phoenix Suns? Dr.
Steve is their doctor.
He's, like, always dealing with their groins.
You hear that, Bar? Dr.
Stevie Stevenson has your dream job.
Does he also own a secret chocolate factory on the side, but instead of chocolate, it's biscuits? I just met him, but I'm 100% certain no.
- No, right? - No, it's definitely no.
- No.
- Oh! This is my special guy.
Mwah! - Also Steve.
- Am I crazy, or does he look familiar? Okay, nobody freak out, but Steve is one of Willie Aames' stand-ins on the TV show Charles in Charge.
- Oh, so cool! - Big deal.
So you have his curls, his dimples, his easy way.
You don't have his bank account.
No, but my dad invented two-sided tape, so I'm much richer.
Bonjour! - Is place? - Is place.
Come here.
Guys, meet my new boy toy, Stephan.
He's very pretty.
Yeah, he is, and so tall, too.
We're gonna be fast friends.
Uh, unlikely.
The only English he knows is "Is place?" Oh, then how'd you two get together? You know, we have other ways of communicating.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Okay, who wants top bunk? - Whoo! - This way.
- That way.
I guess she's just gonna keep us hanging on the other ways.
Barry, this is great.
You were worried about nothing.
All of your exes are thriving.
Oh, sweet, impossibly naive Joanne, don't you see? They're not thriving.
They're dying inside.
- They are? - Yes.
It's all an elaborate, multi-person charade to hide their true feelings for moi.
It would be sad if it wasn't hilarious.
Laugh with me.
As Barry was seeing his exes in a new light, something dark was going on with Lou's wedding tribute.
Hi, Dr.
My mom sent me over with some family photos for the wedding montage video.
I'll be sure to add them to the pile.
My mom was also hoping I could help out with the video.
No need.
I've already hired a pro.
Oddly, his name is also Adam Goldberg.
Well, well, Adam Goldberg the lesser.
You two know each other? Former foes, current apathetic acquaintances.
Future who knows.
I thought you moved to Hollywood to work in the dream factories.
I did, armed with the best Mr.
Belvedere script ever written.
The studio brass said that? My nana did.
She's impeccable with story.
Unfortunately, the entirety of show business disagreed.
None of this came out in the interview, but thanks for dropping by, Adam.
I'd like him to stay.
I need some extra hands sorting all this crap.
You mean my treasured family memories? It's pictures set to music.
It ain't Belvedere, brother.
- Maybe I can see what you have so far? - No, no, no, no.
You can start by fueling up our creative tanks with coffee.
Oh, I'm no good with tasks.
That's the industry, kid.
You start at the bottom and work your way up to paying rent to live in your nana's sunroom.
And so, instead of keeping an eye on Lou, I was keeping an eye on his lengthy to-do list.
I got the dry cleaning.
It would've been easier if you had given me the ticket, or the address.
I'm back from the vet.
Mitzy's anal glands are officially expressed.
Back from all the McDonald's in the Philly area.
Turns out it's not Shamrock Shake season, as I gently tried to explain to you.
I'm back.
Where's Lou? I somehow found extra-large toenail clippers.
Wait, you haven't even cracked open my mom's photo album yet.
Welcome to the nasty side of weddings, pal.
It's not all about the happy couple's special day.
What are you saying? I'm saying this video tribute is all Schwartz.
As Lou was putting his family front and center, my brother was calling for backup.
Thank you for coming to this emergency 6:00 a.
meeting of the JTP.
You told us there'd be bagels and OJ.
That was a cover for the reason we're gathering, to stop my exes from ruining this weekend.
But there's a poppy seed and juice in front of you That's where I got the idea for the lie.
Think before you interrupt me, Matt Bradley.
How exactly are Lainey, Ren, and Valley Erica ruining the weekend? Well, it's become painfully clear that they're not over me and desperately want me back.
That is not clear.
One of them is married.
Yeah, last night I heard Stephan and Ren's fondness for each other through the wall.
They snatched up a trio of losers to try and ease the pain of seeing me.
Steve runs with the brat pack's B-team, Dr.
Steve rebuilt Jeff Hornacek's knee, and Stephan's butt and jaw were just featured in a Calvin Klein magazine ad! I took a look.
It's nice.
But do they have what I have? An exaggerated sense of self-worth? A big toe with a really small nail? I was going to say the nail thing.
Barry magic.
So there's only one thing to do.
It's obviously nothing.
I will shame their boyfriends with my intense masculinity until they are forced to leave under a cloud of humiliation.
How would that help anything? It will force my exes to admit their undying love for me.
Then, after many tears, we can all begin to heal.
I guess from a twisted, shoehorned, almost 100% wrong point of view, that makes some sense.
- Some indeed.
- Great news! Today, we're going to have some fun playing The Bach-lympics.
It's a combination of "bachelor" and "Olympics.
" Everybody gets it, Geoff.
Anyway, we're going to be playing games.
Physical and mental challenges that showcase one's dominance over weaker foes.
It's perfect.
Your tone and words suggest you're not approaching this with the fun that's intended, but okay.
I will crush these men under my Jordans.
Or flip-flops if it's on the sand.
This seems like a huge mistake.
I'm too tired and hungry to stop him.
I would not wear flip-flops with your weird big toe.
Lou had cut our family from the wedding video tribute, and it was up to me to tell my mom.
Hey, Mr.
Brown, is my mom around? She stepped out to yell at a wedding vendor.
Something about destroying their entire lineage if they don't get the stemware correct.
She's a volatile lady.
She's not gonna take what I have to say easy.
Lay down your burden, Adam.
I'm a deacon, and that means more than just driving the church shuttle to and from the devotional softball game.
That kind of sounds official.
Lou's not including our family in the video montage at all.
Oh, no! I can't know that! You have to tell your mother so her and Lou can, uh, discuss this calmly and rationally, as adults.
Calm? Rational? Those words don't sound like things my mom is or ever will be.
There's my Schmoo.
Did you find out Lou's trying to steal the wedding yet? How'd you know? That overstuffed pastry bag was so obvious.
Come on, dish the dirt to Mama.
He's not using a single photo of us in the video.
But we can still be reasonable about this.
I'll be as reasonable with the seating chart as he's being with the video.
Say hello to the parking lot, Lou's cousin Glen.
Oh, but Cousin Glen's flying in from Shaker Heights! - I can't be a part of this.
- Too late.
You are gonna go destroy that tape if you have to burn the place to the ground.
That's arson.
Only if you get caught.
Go! Thanks for the help, Deacon Do Nothing.
Only God can judge me.
And I imagine he isn't pleased.
While my mom was settling the score with Lou, Barry was attempting to score in The Bach-lympics.
Okay, one, two, three, toss! First was the egg toss.
Damn it, Naked Rob! How about a heads up? Next was the quick change.
Alright, Stephan and I are done! Ooh-la-la! That's what I'm taking home.
This is rigged! Stephan's a model! He changes clothes for a living! And then came the name-guessing game.
Okay, it's two words.
The first is your dream job.
- Ninja.
- No.
- Vampire hunter.
- No.
- Intercontinental wrestling champion? - No! And time.
Zhivago"? That's not anyone's name.
I demand a fourth do-over.
And it's time to check our leaderboard.
Ooh! Impossible! - Barry - You're all cheating by being knowledgeable about your partners and the world! Off I go! As my brother had lost his grip on the Steves, my mom had sent me to get my hands on Lou's wedding tribute.
Did you finish the video yet? Just slapped my "a film by" credit on to let the crew know they're just cogs.
And just like that, I was alone with the tape.
It would be so easy to destroy.
Hello, Adam.
Or not.
What have you got in your hand there? Just your finished video.
Easy now.
Set the tape down, slow.
I think I'm gonna hold onto it for a sec.
Don't do anything stupid, son.
There! We're all safe now.
Argh! Dr.
Schwartz, please! As a doctor, a pillar of the community, and as a father, don't do this.
Be the bigger man.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I have taken this too far.
It's okay.
You're not the only one.
You should see what my mom was doing to the seating chart.
- Oh? - Well, let's just say your family was pushed behind the carving station.
I understand.
I don't understand! Cousin Marlene is in the overflow room? - She has a palsied foot! - You like that? Well, wait till you see where I put your parents.
The freight elevator, next to Great Uncle Yankel? You with Bev, you get.
Okay, there's the low point.
- The wedding is off! - And yet lower we go.
You can't call the wedding off because I'm calling it off.
Neither of you can call it off.
Fine! The wedding is back on, but I will make sure it is terrible for you.
Oh, you don't know terrible! Trust me, no one knows terrible more than she does, man.
As the wedding battle hit a fever pitch, my brother was taking one last swing at beating the Steves.
The trophy goes to Me! Or it will, after our last competition, a rap battle between me and Dr.
Steve for 100 points.
You're behind by 200.
One million points.
Yeah, let me just check the rules.
- No.
- It's agreed.
Steve, do you accept my challenge, or do you admit defeat? Sorry, um, I was on the phone with the Suns' gorilla.
He twisted his ankle on a trampoline jam.
Are you talking to me? Barry, can I talk to you privately? Not now.
I'm about to drop some funky cold medina.
Okay, Big Tasty, you can begin or whatever.
I mean, I think we have our winner, but what the heck, I will give it a try.
- Do I have to spit as much as he did? - Please don't.
That was amazing! That made my entire weekend.
Steve, how did you do that? Well, I kind of channeled all the love I'm feeling in this house, I guess.
- I have two words for you - Nice job? You suck and you're old! Well, that was five words, and I'm 36.
My God, enough! This whole weekend, you've been trying to impress your exes, barely paying attention to me.
You're not over any of them.
But at least now it's clear who you are over.
- Joanne, come on.
- Mmm-mmm.
Thanks to my mom and Lou, the wedding was falling apart.
So I decided to try and put it back together.
I need to make things right, and I need your help to do it.
That's what Wesley said in season two's seminal episode, - "Requiem.
" - Mr.
Belvedere? Sorry.
Sometimes, I forget the world at large doesn't share my passion for all things Belv.
Look, I know if we work together, we can make a wedding tribute video so magical, it could end all this madness.
But if you won't do it for love or art, would you do it for money? You had me at money.
And just like that, we got down to work.
We used Schwartz photos, Goldberg photos, even my home movies.
And so I gathered the folks who needed to see it most.
Up next, Mr.
Belvedere"? I'll tell you what it's not, loving pictures of our family set to a James Taylor song! Damn it, it happened again.
Those trucker pills were supposed to keep me focused.
Can I go? I despise that fussbottom butler.
Maybe because he reminds you of you, a cranky buttinsky who oversteps his role! Oh, hell no! I will not stand here while you sully Lynn Aloysius Belvedere's good name! Aloysius? Guys! We wanted to remind you that weddings are about coming together, joining forces, and being better for it.
Erica and Geoff are making a commitment to spend the rest of their lives together.
Why can't you celebrate that? I have been.
At the exclusion of the Schwartzes! He went too far with the video, but this all started with that wedding announcement.
That was very hurtful.
I know.
I'm sorry.
It's just you're this accomplished eye doctor, and I'm just the mother of the bride.
I wanted to feel important, too.
Beverly, you're incredibly important.
You raised a wonderful daughter that we're beyond delighted to welcome into our family.
And two great sons.
If you say so.
You're right.
I am a mother and a hero.
See, this is what it's all about.
You know what? It is what it's all about.
I have so much work to do.
Making a montage video that includes both of our families? No, man.
I'm gonna take another crack at my Belv script.
While my mom and Lou were making things right, Barry was trying to figure out where he went wrong.
Can I ask you guys something, based on your intimate knowledge of me? You and I kissed once at a party, but, sure, I'll give you life advice.
Why do I always ruin the good things I have? Look, Bar, you're the best, but you can also be a little Emotionally out of control? I was gonna say intense.
And you're never better than when you're not worrying about what other people think of you.
Or trying to show off.
You have a giant heart, and you were a great boyfriend.
I was? - Yes.
- Absolutely.
I thought your name was Gary until this weekend.
Just be honest.
No weird plans or schemes.
Just tell her how you feel.
I think I can do that.
We know you can.
I don't know that you can, but maybe? Joanne, I know I've been a jerk.
Yeah, you have.
Look, all the women I ever dated are now with amazing men, so I freaked out.
Because you're jealous.
Yeah, I get it.
Because I got scared that you might be the next one to leave me and go find your Steve.
You really think that? Seems to be the pattern.
Barry, I would never dump you for some amazing guy because you're my amazing guy.
You're my Steve.
Guess I am the big winner this weekend.
Yeah, you are.
We both are.
Weddings bring people together.
The stress that comes with them can sometimes drive them apart.
Give it up for Dr.
Steve! But then again, what brings everybody back together is remembering why they were all there in the first place.
'Cause when you celebrate love with the people you care about the most, there's no such thing as a bad seat.
Don't worry, kids, the wedding is back on.
- What? - I don't even want to know.
Even if getting there can sometimes be a little confusing.
We still don't have a seat for your Aunt Edna.
That woman is a pill.
She always pats my belly and says, "Looks like you're having twins.
" Screw you, Aunt Edna! At least I have eyebrows.
Well, why don't we put Aunt Edna in the caterer's kitchen? I like where your head's at.
And I am not fond of my cousin Ronnie who still cleans pools, so why don't we put him in the smoking section? We work well together.
Weddings really do bring out the best in people.

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