The Goldbergs s09e21 Episode Script

One Exquisite Evening with Madonna

1 Back in the '80s, there was no one more important to me than my girlfriend, Brea.
So, as our two-year anniversary approached, I headed to Gimbels to get her something special.
Oh, Adam, I found it.
Perfect gift for the most important woman in your life.
It holds coffee and the truth.
Again, I'm looking for a gift for my girlfriend.
- It's already in the cart.
- How about this bracelet? Oh, Adam, women like their jewelry to be flashy, ostentatious, and in-your-face big.
Think the crown jewels and then double it.
I have $37.
Stop shopping immediately.
I have a menagerie of items that would delight any woman.
I told you, I don't need your help.
Opposite! My intimate knowledge of ladies' needs and desires is well-established.
Is it, though? Item one a deadly titanium crossbow.
You and your gal pal can spend a reckless evening at the junkyard shooting out windshields.
None of this sounds like you waiting in the car.
Item two tighty whities, the gentleman's lingerie.
You give her a few boudoir photos in these, she'll remember you forever.
How could she not? I've saved the best for last.
A bulk warehouse box of Bonkers Fruit Chew candies.
When she smooches you to thank you, think of me.
I'm not giving her 500 pieces of purple candy! Whatever! Have fun dying alone with no cavities.
Hey, hey, hey! Look who I found hibernating in the kids' section.
I can't give Brea that.
This is for me.
This is my little Adam cuddle surrogate for when you leave me to go to NYU.
You can't say no to me, can you, schmoopie? Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! You don't know who else kissed that bear.
Hey, he's wearing the same shirt as you.
I'm twisted up inside ♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪ I don't know the future ♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪ It was May 11, 1980-something, and Erica and Geoff anxiously awaited news from, of all places, their bathroom.
You got black mold.
Oh, no! The silent killer of the microfungus world.
How did this happen? Heavy moisture in there.
Like maybe you guys are leaving a lot of wet towels lying on the floor? I don't want to name any names, but, yes, someone in this couple habitually offends in the way you mentioned.
Are you sure that it's black mold? Because the stuff that I was seeing in there looked more doody brown, like your uniform.
You saw it and didn't speak up? Erica, anything odd in here, you have to speak up.
I shared a bathroom with Barry most of my life, so odd stuff is kind of the norm.
You're probably gonna have to clear out of here for a week or so.
Great, so now what do we do? We'll go to a hotel.
And pay for it with what, exactly? You're the neatnik.
Don't you have a mold budget? Sorry, I didn't anticipate that my wife would be a wet towel abandoner.
Ouch, Don Rickles.
And, fine, we'll go to your parents'.
My mom turned my room into a knitting room.
Between my yarn allergy and all the needles, it's a death trap.
I know of a place where the price is right and the staff is always friendly.
My sweet baby girl is home! Relax, we're only here for one week.
We have black mold.
It's really not a big deal.
Please, my chiropractor's receptionist's nephew slept in a bedroom with black mold.
Soon he was carrying his lungs around in a backpack, which he lost on an airplane, then he had to be hooked up to one of those air pumps you use to inflate pool toys.
Now he lives alone in a park ranger tower, where the air is clean and the woods are lonely.
That seems scientifically accurate, but point is we're only here for one week.
A week with my baby and baby-in-law.
I'm gonna hug whoever put that black mold in your apartment.
You already are.
Howdy, neighbor.
Oh, hello, newlyweds.
They came back, John, for the warmth of Mama's bosom.
Does this mean that our trip to the commemorative plate expo is off? The unspoken caveat of all my plans with you is "if nothing better comes along.
" I kind of wish those stinging words had remained unspoken.
We don't want to stop you from doing anything.
It's not just anything.
I don't know if you know this, but I'm an avid trader of commemorative presidential plates.
I'm currently one Calvin Coolidge away from a full set.
I definitely listened all the way through that.
We should get settled.
I guess I'll be the one to put our bags away.
Ah, young love.
Or what I would imagine young love to be.
I didn't start dating until I was 27.
Did something seem off about them? I haven't seen Geoff that edgy since Groundhog Day.
He's not good with suspense.
I'm gonna get to the bottom of it.
Sounds intrusive.
Count me in.
As my mom sensed an impending storm between Erica and Geoff, my anniversary with Brea was nothing but sunshine.
"Star Wars: Return of the Jedi: Ewok Adventure.
" Brea, you really nailed my gift.
Eh, you're easy to shop for.
I just think, "Hey, that's maybe science fiction," and then I get it.
Well, I got you something, too.
Having you open your heart and express yourself on this borderline holiday is like a prayer.
Holy crap, Adam.
Madonna tickets? "IOU one exquisite evening with Madonna.
" She's in Philly this week.
But it's a bit out of my price range.
It's okay.
I love the thought.
But I couldn't have gone anyway.
My older sister is in town.
Claire? She is? I had no idea.
Neither did I.
But that's kind of how Claire is.
She plays by her own rules.
Oh, like Eddie Murphy in "Beverly Hills Cop 1" and/or "2"? If that helps you understand it, then sure.
Anyway, I'm sorry.
I know it's our anniversary, but she's taking me to dinner.
Maybe I can come along.
Look, I just don't think you tagging along is such a great idea.
Since our parents split, it's been pretty complicated between us.
This is just how it has to be with her, okay? Don't read anything into it.
Read everything into it.
Is that my Push-Up?! I hid it in a bag of frozen corn! Oh, I know all your frozen-corn tricks.
And it's so obvious.
Brea thinks you're a wuss, and she can't bear her sister finding that out.
- That's not true.
- Your clothing, glasses, body shape, hair, face, and smell would beg to differ.
Too far, but also plausible.
What do you know about her? - I think she's a mechanic.
- Uh-oh.
She's a tough badass who likes to get her hands dirty.
I work with my hands puppetry, claymation, joy-sticking.
Oh, no! We're very different people.
The older sister Bee sounds like the alpha.
- You should steer clear.
- But I really want to meet her.
She's obviously important to Brea.
Then you'll have to earn her respect in the only way possible out-Claire Claire.
And that specifically means? Crash their sisterly dinner.
Wear sunglasses inside.
Be in charge.
Tell the waitress you'll have the usual, even if you've never been there before.
Take her seat even if she's sitting in it.
And you're certain this will work? I'm saying it, so I must be sure.
Here's a pad and pen.
Take notes.
Alphas never take notes! Now pick it up! Um no? Good.
You've already learned everything I can teach you.
As Barry prepared me to meet Brea's sister, my mom was trying to find out what was going on with mine.
You guys haven't left your room all morning.
Everything okay? All good.
We're fine.
No takers on your ricottastuffed river fish? - Shockingly, no.
- Mm.
I need to know what's going on between them.
Oh, to be a fly on the wall.
Except for the insanely short life-span.
That's it.
I don't need to get in when I could listen in.
To the dining-room air vent, where I've spied on Erica throughout her childhood.
Oh, rats and phooey.
I, too, need to know my neighbor's daughter's marital secrets.
I feel like a movie spy.
Should we have code names? I'll be "The Snowman," and you'll be "Legs.
" I'm obviously "Champagne Grizzly.
" And shh! I don't want to miss anything.
I got to say, there's something nice about being back in my own room.
Well, you're certainly comfy, because there goes the towel right where I lay my head.
My mom will pick it up.
She's right.
I will.
You're not being considerate of me.
Remind me when we exchanged vows, did you promise to spend all of your waking hours talking about towels? Because you're making good on that one, buddy.
She "buddied" him.
That's not good.
It's the reason we have black mold and had to come here.
We don't know that.
And if you're so unhappy, you can always leave.
Leave the house? Leave the marriage? Leave what? - Hang it up.
- Oh, I will.
And I think I know the perfect place.
Damn it! Suddenly, I can't hear a peep.
You threw a towel at me.
I kind of did.
I'm sorry, too, for getting all crazy.
No, you were right to be crazy.
I'll try harder.
What's happening? The silence is deafening.
You don't think Erica killed him.
I think their marriage is on the rocks.
I don't think that's worse, but, oh, no! While my mom made imagined drama between Erica and Geoff, I was about to make my big entrance.
And that night, following Barry's advice, I was the alpha sorta.
Look out, guy! I'm walkin' here.
I'll have my usual.
I don't know you.
Figure it out Joe's.
That's the name of the diner.
Got it! 'Sup? I think you're in my seat.
Adam, what are you doing? Just tryin' to sit where the sittin's good.
Know what I'm sayin', chief? Hold on.
Is this Adam Goldberg? I'm not sure it is.
Oop! This chair was not built for backwards sitting.
Hiya, toots.
Funny guy coming through.
You were so right, Brea.
This guy's the freakin' best.
So hilarious, like a young Rick Moranis.
You think I'm as funny as Rick Moranis? Hell yeah! I'm talking Moranis in "Strange Brew.
" "Take off, you hoser!" "You take off, eh?" Brea, your sister called me a hoser.
It's a real connection through the art of gentle Canadian insults.
That is questionably great, but what exactly are you doing here? I know it sounds stupid, but I thought you were embarrassed of me.
What's there to be embarrassed about? You're the frickin' boss, handsome.
Hear that? Handsome.
All right, Brea told me it's your anniversary, so how about I get us all tickets to the Madonna show? - What?! - Oh, no, no, no.
You don't have to do that, Claire, really.
Are you kidding me? You've been talking about this concert forever.
- I - Brea, come on.
I know I haven't always been the best big sister.
I mean, when things went sideways with Mom and Dad, I just had to get out of there.
Which you definitely did.
Look, it doesn't make up for me not being around, but at least let me do this for you.
Please? Please, please? Don't be a hoser, eh? Oh, hoser.
Don't Come on.
Uh, she's not saying "no.
" Thank you, Claire.
That would be amazing.
Yep, showing up uninvited couldn't have gone any better until it happened to me.
Knock-knock! Is this one of those co-ed-toilet deals? Oh, my God! It's super not.
You can't be in here.
Eh, sure I can.
The line for the ladies' is stupid.
Well, I'll just get out of your way then.
Before you do, there's actually something personal I wanted to talk to you about.
More personal than storming into a gentleman's inner sanctum? So, I called Doug at Ticketron, and yikes! You know that Madonna song "Like a Virgin"? Well, she's certainly screwing me with these prices.
I just wanted to give my little sis a little slice of happiness, you know? Um, well, we don't need front row.
It's not my fault my dog needs exploratory eye surgery, right? Maybe you should tell Brea about all of this.
She'll understand.
Yeah, tell her that her older sister, who's supposed to be there for her, has once again let her down.
Um When our dad moved out, where was I? In the wind.
"The wind" being the beaches of Corpus Christi, Texas.
It's a big town with a small-town feel.
Please stop.
I'll get the tickets.
Don't worry.
You'll fully purchase all the tickets? You're not just a gift to my sister.
You're a gift to me.
Come in here.
Oh! Meeting Brea's sister didn't go as expected, so I had no choice but to turn to an unexpected source for help.
Hey! I was watching that! He's an American werewolf, but in London.
Think of the culture shock.
Brea's sister cried.
You did it! You slayed the dragon.
You're the alpha now.
It doesn't feel like a win.
I got to somehow buy Madonna tickets for all three of us.
Ha! She fooled you with her phony tears? She's back to being the alpha.
No, the tears were real.
Boom! You're the alpha again.
Stop saying "alpha.
" Brea thinks she and her sister are making progress, but, really, I'm covering for her.
You've clearly inserted yourself into a very complex family dynamic.
Don't know why you tried to be the alpha.
And now where am I gonna find that kind of money for stupid Madonna tickets? Have you seen your room? It's filled with toys.
Sell them all.
But I cherish those.
Dude, you have like 10 Smurfettes.
Each one is posed differently.
Your call, but Brea's gonna be crushed.
I guess I could part with a few of my lesser Smurfs.
Barry does it again.
Now move it so I can watch this werewolf chap.
So, once again, for some reason, I listened to Barry.
Claire! There's the guy.
About our chat in the john the other night, I was in a weird headspace.
A few too many Molsons.
Why do I keep betting on professional bowling? There's no way to know.
But here.
Goldie, what'd you do? Me, you, Brea, Madonna.
Whoa! Row YY! I guess that's still in the building.
But, hey, I got to tell Brea the truth.
- You bought these.
- Oh, that's not Twist my arm, why don't you.
Okay, I'll take the "W" on this one.
You get the next one.
- Hey, Brea! - Let me guess.
More scratchers I get to help with since your nails are too short? As a fellow biter, I get it, but take a look.
Madonna tickets?! Seriously?! Oh, my God! Did I knock it out of the park? Claire, this is too much.
It was literally nothing.
I wouldn't say that.
There are all kinds of handling fees they don't tell you about.
But, hey, Madonna! While I helped Brea's sister out of a bind, my mom was tied in knots.
Oh, this is terrible.
If what the vent suggests is true, Erica's marriage is in shambles.
Mother father! She's destined to become a spite-filled spinster.
We have to do something.
We? This goes beyond neighborly duties.
You're the key to this whole thing.
If I go up there, they're gonna kick me out, but you're a counselor.
A guidance counselor, not a marriage counselor.
You can do anything.
You got Alan Friedbaum into SUNY Purchase.
I did do that somehow.
And he's not your standardized-test taker.
- And his tardiness? Whoo! - Exactly.
Now please help me get my baby into the University of Love.
The U of L? That's a reach for all of us.
But I guess it is just talking and listening.
Yes, two things you're doing too much of right now.
And, so, against his better judgment and the most basic common sense Mr.
Glascott, our neighbor, was on a mission to save a marriage that didn't need saving.
There they are.
What are you doing in my childhood bedroom? Just following the sounds of love and happiness.
That's what I'm hearing in here, right? Um I guess.
Don't guess.
Let's know.
Are you allowed to sit on my bed? Probably not.
But I need your help.
There's this high-school couple that are both trying to get into Rutgers.
What couple? Their names are Jeff and Erica.
They have the same names as us? Uh, no.
His is Jeff with a "J," not an insane "G," like yours.
- What's happening? - So, Jeff and Erica not you are very much in love, but they have an issue.
It seems that Erica's kind of a sneaky pig, and J-Jeff is always having to mop up her sloppy-slop.
What does this have to do with Rutgers? Rutgers? Oh, yeah, Rutgers.
Now, imagine you, Geoff and Erica, are Jeff and Erica.
How would you two talk this out? I probably wouldn't, because I haven't been following a single thing that you've said.
Hey, what about you, Geoff who's in front of me? Does the other Jeff have a reason to vent? And by "vent," I mean express one's feelings, not a vent that transmits air and sometimes secrets.
- Um - You know what? Thank you so much, Mr.
Um, this has been so nice.
Has it? I feel there's been some confusion about the names.
For sure.
I'll see you downstairs.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
My mom's been listening to us through the vent! Oh, no! Why did you make me rank all the Frentas?! Now she knows I put my mom last! Did she send Glascott up here to fix our marriage? Obviously, a boy is just not thinking of his mother in that way.
If she wants to listen to what's going on with our marriage, we'll make it worth her while.
I should have just said, "I'm not ranking them.
" That's so weird! While Erica was determined to get back at my mom, we were ready to get into the groove.
This is so awesome.
I can't believe we're actually here.
I know.
Somewhere not too far from here is the lady who sang that song from the movie "Vision Quest.
" Whoa! Look at all that stuff for sale! Um, I'm gonna go get some lace gloves and a T-shirt for you, 'cause thanks.
Children's large.
I like 'em snug.
Goldie, I got to thank you again.
You did me a solid.
Two, if you count paying for parking.
Put it on my tab.
Anyone got tickets? I will pay anything.
Sorry, lady.
No can do.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold your horses.
- How much we talking? - What?! You can't seriously be considering selling the ticket that I quick reminder bought for you.
No, of course not.
But, also, hear me out.
Maybe? I have $300.
Sold to the lady with the crazy eyes! What are you doing?! Making everything right.
There's your cash.
And now you and my little sis can celebrate your anniversary.
Won't this upset Brea? She was finally excited to spend some time with you.
She's resilient.
She won't even bat an eye when you tell her.
- Me?! - I believe in you.
Where's Claire going? She said she wants to leave us two lovebirds alone.
She sold her ticket, didn't she? It's super-cool how you know her so well.
Buying those tickets proved costly.
Meanwhile, Erica was gonna make my mom pay.
Oh! I hear movement.
Okay, when I uncover the vent, you and I are gonna have a fake fight.
- Why, exactly? - To mess with my mom as revenge for violating our privacy.
Damn it to hell, Erica.
Comin' in hot.
I like it.
How can there possibly be more towels on the floor?! Oh, that's good.
I don't need to hang up my towels.
That's why I married you.
Oh! They're engaging about their core issue.
Quiet, John! This is none of your business.
You promised me you were gonna try harder.
And you promised me a Steak-umm, and, yet, your hand is empty.
I'm sick of it! Nice! You've got some chops.
And I, too, am sick of it! Why is it so hard for you to consider my feelings? Dude, dial it back.
You're leaving us nowhere to go.
Oh, I'll tell you where I'm going anywhere but here.
Are you being serious right now? I am.
Sorry to be such a wet blanket.
Or should I say "wet towel," something you're more familiar with.
They're coming.
Act natural.
Geoff, wait! You're right, Beverly.
The world would look different through Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's eyes.
After getting involved in my girlfriend's relationship with her sister, I was looking to my dad for some wisdom, but it was after 8:00.
Don't bother.
He ate a dozen garlic knots and watched "Murder, She Wrote.
" - His day is done.
- Damn it! I really screwed up things with Brea.
Well, at least you still have all your toys.
I don't! I never should have gotten involved in the first place.
Look, you'll never understand what it's like for Brea.
And how could you? Her relationship with her sister was shaped by divorce, while our parents are nothing but happy.
Look at this guy.
He is the epitome of stability.
He's a rock.
He does have many rock-like properties.
He's a shining example of what we'll emulate in our own marriages.
I guess we are pretty lucky.
- The luckiest.
- Thanks, Bar.
Growing up, Barry often gave me lousy advice, but every once in a while, he knew exactly what he was talking about.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Look, I never should have got between you and your sister.
- Told you.
- I know.
I was just trying so hard to make everyone happy, I ended up making no one happy.
I'm so sorry.
It's all right.
I can't tell you how many times I've wanted her to be there for me, and she just couldn't do it.
Maybe not.
But I can.
Maybe that's why I like you so much.
I always thought it was because of my explosive masculinity and rugged good looks.
Yeah, that too.
Also I know this may not have been a great anniversary, but these last two years have been the best of my life.
You know, concert's not over yet.
Sorry about the whole vent thing.
We agreed we weren't gonna talk.
Of course.
And I will honor that.
But before I do, I just got to say, you've got to pick up those towels.
- You're on his side? - No sides.
Just some gentle advice from someone who's been happily married for 25 years.
Well, no, thank you.
Look, you are a strong-willed woman, and that's great, but sometimes you just don't listen.
I'm definitely not right now.
You may think his towel obsession is a little bit silly and it is but to him, it matters.
I know.
I also know my carelessness caused a toxic cloud of black mold.
But I don't like to be wrong.
That's why I never am.
Thanks, Mom.
And, look, if you ever just need someone to listen, I'll always be here.
I know.
Whether I want it or not.
Sometimes, just loving someone isn't enough.
Relationships take work.
But if you do something as simple as listen What's going on in here? I added a few extra towel hooks.
That is way too many.
And I love it.
Well, I love you.
you'll realize even the small things can make a big difference to the people you care about the most.
I guess this one's fine.
No, those are large.
You're more of an athletic medium.
Just get what you want so we can get this over with.
Boom! Silk boxers.
So slippery and elegant.
Not on my watch.
That is the underpant of Los Angeles.
Fine! Then I'm going commando nothing at all.
Where's the nearest changing room? I'm starting now.
So, medium seems fine.

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