The Golden Girls (1985) s02e15 Episode Script

- What the hell is that? - A wedding cake for Joanie Winston up the street.
Sam and Edna's daughter.
That's a girl? - Dorothy, why are you up? - Her banging woke me.
- What do you mean? - The toilet seat.
Four women live in this house.
The toilet seat never has to move.
You always make it bang.
Forgive me, sweetheart.
Just get me a litter box to keep next to my night stand.
Rose, is that a wedding cake you're making? It's my wedding present to Joanie Winston.
Joanie Winston's getting married? How lovely.
I wonder how she'll fix the hair on her ears.
The wildest part of the evening was when the busboy dropped his brush in my lap.
- Not the man of your dreams? - He's a seven.
- That's not bad.
- He was more like a five, but he looked so good with me on his arm, I added two points.
That cake looks delicious.
Let's cut her up.
I was gonna give it to Joanie Winston.
But if you're hungry, I'd still have time to make another one.
Course I have to address those 3,000 envelopes.
After I pick up the decorations for the hootenanny.
But I'll still have time to wash cars in the afternoon.
And give blood before seven.
Rose, this is insane.
You have to learn how to say no.
Why don't you sit down and relax a while? - Shall we have our usual? - Great idea.
- I'll get bowls and spoons.
- I'll get the ice cream.
I'll get chocolate sauce and whipped cream.
Did anybody see a piece of paper with directions on it? We've made sundaes hundreds of times.
We don't need directions.
I mean directions for the wedding.
They need the cake by eight.
Do you believe her? She doesn't stop for a minute.
I understand the thinking behind it.
My granddaddy was the same way.
He said, "Idle hands are the devil's workshop.
" Course he also said, "Sitting on cold concrete will cause haemorrhoids.
" So we just learned when to ignore him.
- Oh, my God.
- Rose.
- What happened? Honey.
- Call an ambulance.
- My goodness.
- Rose.
Take it easy.
Dorothy, I'm scared.
I've never seen Rose look so terrible.
- I know.
I'm worried, too.
- Knock it off.
There's nothing to worry about.
How do you know that? At my age, you can spot the 12 warning signs of death.
- What are they? - Number one, your children start visiting during the week.
Number two, your doctor won't let you postdate a cheque.
Number three, you can't eat Cream O' Wheat because it's too spicy.
Will you stop? Will you stop? - I mean, this could be serious.
- Of course it could.
So I'm trying not to think about it.
If anything happened to Rose, it would be like losing my own child.
I'm going to the cafeteria.
My canasta club gives the hospital jello three stars.
Excuse me, are you the ladies with Mrs Nylund? Yes.
I'm Dr Wallerstein.
I've been treating her.
Dorothy, she's gonna be all right.
Her doctor's a Jew.
Blanche, please.
How is she, Dr Jew? - Wallerstein.
- Come and see for yourselves.
Rose, honey.
How are you feeling? You gave us quite a scare.
- Doctor, will she be all right? - She'll be fine.
- It was an oesophageal spasm.
- A what? A constriction of the food pipe.
It can be painful and frightening, but it's not serious.
- Thank God.
- She just needs to take it easy.
Rose, relax here for a few more minutes, then your friends can take you home.
- Thank you, Doctor.
- Yes, thank you.
Is he gone? Yeah.
Is something wrong? You want him back? No, I have to tell you what happened.
I died.
I died and went to heaven.
Rose, honey, you didn't die.
You passed out.
Hallucinated.
Remember that New Year's Eve when you had the three margaritas? You thought you were an animated broom in Fantasia? Look, I know it sounds crazy.
That's why I wouldn't tell anybody but my closest friends.
But it's true.
It really is.
I died and went to heaven.
It wasn't actually heaven proper.
It was somewhere on the outskirts.
You died and went to a suburb of heaven? No.
No, it was an enormous train station.
Like Grand Central, only cleaner.
And without Hare Krishnas asking for money.
There were people everywhere, rushing off to catch trains, sitting on benches, browsing in the souvenir shop.
- The souvenir shop? - Of course, Blanche.
They were all buying T-shirts, saying, "Today is the first day of the end of your life.
" And at the information desk was this huge train schedule.
And next to every departure, it said, "Destination Heaven".
My first thought was, "What a great title for a movie".
My second thought was, "Damn.
I'm dead".
I was so stunned, I started wandering aimlessly through this train station, when I heard a familiar voice calling, "Wose.
Wose.
Is that weally you?" It was my Uncle Johannsen.
He died when I was nine years old.
A steam shovel hit him in the mouth.
I was so happy to see a familiar face.
At least from the nose up.
Right.
Anyway, Uncle Johannsen asked to see my ticket.
And he said, "Whoa.
Wose, this is a wound-twip ticket.
" "You can go back and continue to live your life.
" "But before you go, I have two pieces of advice.
" "Don't get hit in the mouth with a steam shovel, that can kill you.
" "And make the most of the time you're given.
" "You'd be surpwised how quickly it goes.
" Rose, it's been a tough night, so why don't we go home, west, and talk about your twip in the morning.
Dorothy, don't you realise what happened? I died and came back.
I was given a second chance.
A chance to do all the things I've never done, live my life for myself for a change.
You're looking at a new Rose Nylund.
The girl who's gonna eat life.
Hi, cookie.
How are you feeling? Fine, Sophia.
But I did die.
I died and went to heaven.
That's nice.
Find out what pills they gave her and ask for a doggie bag.
I'm coming.
Hello? No, Rose is not here.
Do you know what time it is? It is not party time, it is sleepy time.
No, that is not an invitation.
Sir, you cannot die from that.
No, it's just uncomfortable.
Take a cold shower and the normal colour will return.
Bye-bye.
Now, who in hell was that? - Another one of Rose's new friends.
- Friends? They're more like animals.
All they do is party all hours of the night.
I am abhorred.
We know what you are.
Glad to hear you admit it.
Sophia, I said abhorred.
A whore, a slut, a tramp, it's all the same.
Ma, we're talking about Rose.
Yeah, lately she's been a whore, too.
Frankly, I am worried about her.
This new lifestyle is probably harder on her than on us.
What do you mean harder on her? We have to carry the responsibility around here while she's out there "eating life".
I ate Life once.
Not a bad cereal.
When we run out of Shredded Wheat, let's try it.
- Ma, go to bed.
- I'll have Shredded Wheat now.
That way, we'll get to the Life sooner.
I'm really worried about her.
Sophia's always like that in the middle of the night.
Not Ma.
Rose.
Ever since she took that death trip, she's changed.
That's no excuse.
Shirley MacLaine died six times, and she's sweet as pie.
Hi, girls.
I'm glad you're up.
We're going to the beach for a sunrise breakfast.
- Why don't you join us? - No, thank you, Rose.
Suit yourself.
I'll just grab a few blankets.
Rose, come on, sit down.
We have to talk.
I can't.
I've got people waiting and they're a rowdy bunch.
- Aren't you overdoing this? - Overdoing what? Come on, Rose.
It's OK to want more out of life, but you're pushing yourself too hard.
- I can handle it.
- You can't.
And you're driving us crazy.
- I'm just living my life.
- Yes, but you're ruining ours.
You get calls at all hours.
You have people running around this house.
And you don't help around here anymore.
So that's what this is about.
You're upset because I'm not doing things for everybody else.
- That's not true.
- Yes, it is.
Rose, honey, we're only thinking of you.
I'm only thinking of me, too.
If you can't adjust to my new lifestyle, maybe we have a problem here.
No, Rose.
You're the one who has a problem.
I can't live my life the way I want? Not if it disrupts everybody else's life.
You're impossible to live with.
Is that so? Then there's just one thing to do.
I'll just have to move out.
I got a letter from Gina Marie Donatelli.
Her cousin Joe is hanging wallpaper in Tony Bennett's guest bathroom.
That's nice.
Celebrities stop by all the time.
In one day, he saw Dean Martin, Liberace, Don Rickles and Mitzi Gaynor.
All these people used the bathroom in the same day? What am I, urologist to the stars? I'm just telling you what she told me.
Sorry, Ma, I wasn't paying attention.
- I keep thinking about Rose.
- Forget about her.
If she doesn't want to be our roommate, fine.
I'm happy she's leaving.
You see how happy I am? You try.
If you don't mind, Blanche, I'll laugh on the inside.
I'm ready to go.
Rose, before you go, I just want to give you a little advice.
Sometimes in life, you start out down one path.
Suddenly, the wind changes direction, and you find yourself swimming upstream, looking for new horizons.
What the hell does that mean? Don't get smart with me.
If I was a short, bald guy in a diaper spouting this gibberish, I'd be running India.
- I guess this is it.
- Yep, guess so.
Isn't it funny how things turn out? Being dead really changed my life.
It does that for a lot of people.
I know you don't understand or approve, but I'm doing what I have to and I feel good about it.
Thanks for everything.
It's been great.
Rose.
I'll see that all your mail is forwarded.
Thanks, I'd appreciate that.
Rose.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
- Hi, Stephanie.
- Hi, Rhonda.
- It's Rose.
- Sorry.
That's quite all right.
There's a little poem that might help you remember.
Your name is Rose.
I think I can handle that.
Okey-dokey.
Why don't we take a nice walk on the beach? - I hate the beach.
- Then why live here? It's near work.
- Do you have a Valium? - No.
But I do have a tangerine Lifesaver.
That helps chase the blues away.
No, thanks.
I don't like the hard stuff.
- Hi, Steph.
- Stephanie.
God, am I beat.
That London trip is a killer.
I've got to be in Paris in 12 hours.
Hi, Liz.
We haven't met.
Stephanie's mother.
I'd recognize you anywhere.
No.
No, I'm Rose, your new roommate.
Great.
Welcome aboard.
She seems like a nice person.
- Where is she from? - I don't know.
- Is she a beach person? - I don't know.
How long have you lived together? - About a year.
- Really? Look, Rose, we all go our separate ways around here.
Besides, you have your own friends, don't you? I've sort of lost touch with my new beach friends.
But that's OK.
I'm a Ioner.
A rebel.
I can't believe I'm living right on the beach.
I remember the first time I ever saw the ocean.
On my honeymoon.
My husband and I drove from Minnesota to New York.
Actually, we were driving to California.
We were young and in love, and I was blowing in Charlie's ear.
He lost his sense of direction on the turnpike.
We didn't care.
We were just so so crazy about each other that - Hi, Dorothy.
- What's all that stuff? We've been so down since Rose moved out, so I bought us something.
- How sweet of you.
- I know.
This is for me.
This is for me.
This is for me.
This was for you, but it's so cute, now it's for me.
This is for you.
Edible panties.
What a lovely sentiment.
Thank you.
- You really like them? - Like 'em? I love 'em.
In fact, I may have the waistband with some milk before I go to bed tonight.
What's going on here? I went shopping to cheer us up, but it didn't work.
- Let me tell you two a story.
- No.
- A short story.
- No.
An anecdote.
I won't take no for an answer.
Picture this.
sitting on a park bench.
Ralph says to Nunzio, "Whatever happened to that streaking craze?" Nunzio says, "What streaking craze?" Ralph says, "When everybody took off their clothes and ran down the street.
" Nunzio says, "That sounds like fun.
I'll do it right now.
" So, 90 years old, he gets naked and goes off down the street, right past these two old ladies, Carlotta and Maria.
Maria turns to Carlotta and says, "What the hell was that?" And Carlotta says, "I don't know, but whatever it was, it sure needs ironing.
" Ma, what's the point? With a story, you get a point.
With an anecdote, pure entertainment.
We are upset about Rose.
We don't want to be entertained.
I'll give you a point without a story, just this once.
If you really miss her, go tell her.
Maybe she misses you too.
I don't know, Blanche.
What do you think? - I really miss her.
- So do I.
Let's go tell her.
Wait.
If she misses us, why hasn't she called? Maybe she died, Blanche.
It happened before.
Maybe this time it took.
- Hello, Stephanie.
- Hi, Rose.
Liz, I didn't know you were home.
My flight got cancelled.
This is the first time we've been together in two weeks.
I have a great idea.
I'll whip us up a fancy dinner.
- Sorry, Rose, I have plans.
- So do I.
See you later.
Look, Rose, you're a real sweet person, but I have to be honest.
We're all just roommates, not friends.
I hope that's OK.
That's fine.
Great.
Good.
Good night, Rose.
- Hello.
Is Rose Nylund? - Dorothy.
Blanche.
Come on in.
Liz, Steph, these are my old roommates, - Dorothy and Blanche.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Have to run.
Sorry.
- Nice meeting you.
- I'll catch up with you later.
- What? We have so many running jokes.
- What brings you two here? - No, thanks.
We were in the neighbourhood and thought we'd just drop by.
It's lucky you caught me.
I'm usually out with Liz and Steph and the beach crowd.
- Then are things working out? - I'll be honest.
- Yes? - It is a dream come true.
Great.
Great.
That's just great.
Yup.
Rose, look.
We came here for a reason.
We wanted to tell you how happy we are that you're doing so well.
- I guess we should get going.
- You don't have to rush off.
I thought you were meeting your roommates.
Yeah, that's right.
We're just gonna be doing some beach stuff.
- You take care.
- You, too.
And you certainly do have a pretty place here.
Yeah.
Who wouldn't love it? - Bye-bye, Rose.
- Bye.
- Hello? - Front door.
Hello, front door.
Did two ladies just leave? Yes, ma'am.
Thank you.
Hello, front door? It's me again.
My name is Rose Nylund in 118.
I We haven't actually met, and I know this may sound a little bold, but I was wondering if Do you suppose you might like to go and have a cup of coffee? I'd like to, but I'm pretty heavily involved with 122.
Sounds like a nice number.
Good night.
I cannot believe it is Saturday night, and I, Blanche Devereaux, the most witty, stunning, criminally sensuous woman to come out of the South since Miss Tallulah Bankhead, do not have a date.
- So? I don't have one, either.
- What's your point? So, what do you want to do tonight? I guess we could clean our closets.
We could go to a movie.
We could do what we normally do.
Talk dirty and pig out.
I'll get the bowls and the spoons.
- I'll get the ice cream.
- I'll get the sauce and cream.
Anything interesting happen while I was gone? - Does this mean you're back? - If you'll have me.
Ma got a letter from Gina Marie Donatelli.
Her cousin Joe is hanging wallpaper in Tony Bennett's guest bathroom.
- I love Tony Bennett.
- So do I.
He was always so sweet to me.
Blanche, you dated Tony Bennett? I did more than date him.
He left his heart in San Francisco, but he left his shorts on my radiator.
- You're kidding.
- Hell, no.
Picture this