The Golden Girls (1985) s02e25 Episode Script
A Piece of Cake
I got the ice.
Haven't you finished the hors d'oeuvres yet? - I'm doing the celery sticks.
- [giggles.]
Did you finish the decorations? No, not yet.
I kinda got sidetracked.
Look! [laughs.]
This is what you've been doing for 45 minutes? Uh-huh.
Isn't he cute? I call him Scotty.
[pops.]
Now you can call him garbage.
Help Blanche with the hors d'oeuvres.
What time's the birthday girl getting here? Roberta will be here at two.
- Does she suspect anything? - Please! The woman is 88.
She still tries to find Gunsmoke on Sunday nights.
Dorothy, get the cake and we'll take these in.
Good idea.
Wait, where's the cake? - Rose, did you take it? - I haven't even seen it yet.
- Ma, where's the cake? - I haven't seen it yet, either.
What do you mean? You were supposed to bake it! I was? - Oh, Ma! You forgot! - I didn't forget.
I wanted it to be fresh.
I'll bake it now.
Roberta will be here in 45 minutes.
You don't have time.
and knit you a sweater! Out of my way.
The maestro approaches the podium.
Gee, I hope Sophia finishes in time.
You can't give a good birthday party without a cake.
I recall a party with three cakes that was not so terrific.
Three? Rose had planned a surprise birthday party for me.
You were still living at Shady Pines.
You mean the home.
Say it, Dorothy.
The home.
Anyway, Rose had planned this surprise birthday party for me.
I'll never forget it.
I've never had such a surprise in my life.
? Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you ? Happy birthday boys and girls ? Happy birthday to you ? Welcome to Mr.
Ha Ha's Hot Dog Hacienda! [cheering.]
I have lots of fun planned for you.
But finish your Mr.
Ha Ha dog first because ? A Ha Ha dog is fun to eat ? A Ha Ha dog is really neat ? A Ha Ha dog is a great big treat ? And it's only $ 1.
79 without a beverage ? Wooh! See you soon, kids! [cheering.]
Isn't this fun? [giggles.]
Dorothy, you haven't even touched your Mr.
Ha Ha dog.
- You're right.
- [splat.]
There, I touched it.
You're not having any fun, are you, Dorothy? Am I that transparent? You're the one who always complains that her birthday parties are boring.
When I saw Mr.
Ha Ha's on TV, it looked like fun.
For a five-year-old, Rose.
Or someone who thinks like one! - I've ruined your birthday.
- Oh, no, you haven't.
- You haven't ruined it.
- Yes, I have.
I'm a big dope.
You must hate me.
Oh, honey, come on now, don't cry.
Rose, I don't hate you! I'm really having fun.
It's just that it took me a little while to get into the spirit of things.
- Seriously? - Oh, yes.
Both Blanche and I are having a lot of fun.
Aren't we, Blanche? Who wouldn't have fun eating a foot-Iong Mr.
Ha Ha dog? And drinking a 32-ounce Cherry Burpy.
If you drink three, you get to keep Mr.
Ha Ha's hat.
If you drink three, you should get to keep Mr.
Ha Ha's kidney! [drum roll.]
Guess who's back? [children.]
Mr.
Ha Ha! That's right! Now it's time for the Mr.
Ha Ha birthday roundup! When I call your name, please come up on stage.
Bobby Spina! Please say you didn't do this, Rose.
- [Mr.
Ha Ha.]
Jeannie Taylor! - Please tell me you didn't.
Dorothy Zbornak! - Dorothy Zbornak! - Stop that! You're making a fool of yourself.
Mr.
Ha Ha's looking at you.
- Are you Dorothy Zbornak? - That's right.
- Get up on stage, Dorothy! - Get bent, Ha Ha! Come on, kids.
Let's give Dorothy a great big Ha Ha cheer! - Ha Ha! - [cheering.]
[chants.]
Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! [cheering.]
It says here on my Ha Ha birthday list that Bobby is seven Jeannie is nine, and Dorothy is I'll punch your heart out, Ha Ha.
Dorothy is the oldest! And, as the oldest, you get to lead the birthday parade! Here is your parade leader's hat.
Mr.
Music, if you please.
[jolly music.]
[toot.]
Don't prolong this.
I know what car you drive.
The parade's over! Let's hear it for all the birthday boys and girls! [cheering.]
But the fun's just about to begin.
Because it's time for your Ha Ha hot fudge cake! Free to all my birthday boys and girls.
Only $1.
98 to the rest of you.
No, thank you.
I've had enough.
Oh! I think we have a cranky birthday girl! You see, kids, when you get a little older, you can get a little cranky.
And when you get as old as Dorothy, you can be a real pain in the Ha Ha.
So, Dorothy, lighten up, enjoy your cake and make a wish, OK? Come on, kids.
Make a wish and blow out the candles.
I hope everybody gets what they wished for.
Do you really, Mr.
Ha Ha? Dorothy, if I were you, I'd put the cake down.
You see, Mr.
Music's brother is Mr.
Lawyer.
Besides, that's not a very adult thing to do.
You're right.
I can't do it.
- Mr.
Ha Ha? - Yes, Bobby? Happy birthday, Dorothy.
I'm sorry I missed that one, but I was At the home.
We know, Ma.
How's the cake coming, Sophia? Beautiful.
I got everything.
Coconut, eggs, unbleached flour, rum.
- Oh, you making a rum cake? - No.
Gee, I love to bake.
In St.
Olaf, I baked our birthday cakes.
Charlie loved 'em.
I remember the last cake I baked in St.
Olaf.
It was kinda different.
Oh, my birthday! I completely forgot! Well! I'd better make a wish and blow out those candles before Mr.
Hickenlooper has the volunteer fire brigade up here pumping water on my clean kitchen floor.
[chuckles.]
I swear, that man will look for any excuse to make that siren sound through his nose.
Inga Lundqvist told me just this last week I know.
Shut up, Rose, and blow out your candles.
OK.
A wish.
[chuckles.]
I guess that was kind of a silly wish.
I know you can't really be here with me, Charlie.
It's taken me these past eight months to accept that, but I finally have.
Then why our usual little private birthday celebration? It somehow feels less Ionely, Charlie.
I mean, this is the first special day I've had to spend without you.
If it had been Christmas, I'd have hung your stocking.
Or if it had been your birthday, I probably would have still asked the clerk down at Tuttles to help me pick out a tie for you.
I bet that would have gotten me some strange looks from the sales staff.
Although they already look at me strangely.
Because of the time I tried to special-order a double-breasted suit with a drop-seat in the pants for cousin Wendell.
Anyway, that was part of the reason.
The other part was I wanted to talk to you.
I know.
I didn't need a special occasion for that.
It would be more of an occasion if I stopped talking.
But I I figured since it was my birthday, you wouldn't be upset when you hear what I've got to tell you.
I've decided to sell the house and leave St.
Olaf, Charlie.
The winters are rough here in Minnesota.
And this place is too filled with memories to let me get on with my life.
I need to start over without you, Charlie.
And I think this is the best way.
I know it'll be tough in a strange town all alone.
But I've read some wonderful things about Miami.
It won't be long before I meet nice people and make some new friends.
I have a real good feeling about that.
So I just wanted you to know what I decided.
I hope to be in Florida before the next winter comes.
But I know that wherever I am, you'll be right there with me.
I love you, Charlie.
I miss you.
It's my birthday! You know the rules.
I get the rose.
and a pinch of baking soda.
Ma, that looked like an awfully big pinch.
Who cares? Sophia, maybe you should sit down.
I am sitting.
You know, I'm gonna make you a nice pot of coffee.
Don't panic, I'm fine.
I haven't had that much.
Besides, you think I'd ruin Roberta's milestone birthday? - Milestone? She's 88.
- Right.
After 80, every year without a headstone is a milestone.
I think my milestone birthday was when I turned 50.
Oh, Ma, I remember your 50th.
We were meant to go to a party at Guido's, but you fought with Pop.
I'll never forget it.
It was Brooklyn, April, 1956.
Dorothy, I tell the stories around here.
Picture it: Brooklyn, April, 1956 [Salvadore.]
Fine! If that's the way you feel! Sophia, I'm staying right here! [Sophia.]
Fine! Stay there forever, you big Bacciagaloop! - I curse the day I met you! - [Salvadore.]
Doubled! Ma, it's me, Dorothy! - Happy birthday, Ma.
- Ah, shut up! [Dorothy.]
You're welcome.
You'll be late for your birthday party.
Stan's in the car.
- I'm not going.
- What do you mean? What do I have to celebrate? A miserable marriage and leaving my husband? - You had a fight.
- You love to show off that college education, don't you? OK, why are you mad at Pop? Because your father is a miserable, no-good, insensitive bum! - [Salvadore.]
I heard that! - Good, then hear this! May you lose the three hairs left on your head! [Salvadore.]
Oh, yeah? May you lose your tweezers so your eyebrows meet to cover the wart on your forehead! That's not a wart, that's a beauty mark! [Salvadore.]
On Sophia Loren, it's a beauty mark! On you and Khrushchev, it's a wart! Pop, enough! Come out of the bedroom now! [Salvadore.]
Not while she's there.
She hit me.
- Ma! - With a piece of bread.
[Salvadore.]
Five days old! Like a jack handle! He deserved it for how he wished me a happy 50th.
What are you talking about? You're 48.
That's what I thought.
But last night, during Your Show Of Shows, he hands me papers he found.
He says they made a mistake on my birth certificate when I came into this country and I'm actually 50! So what's the difference? You're 50.
What's the difference? I gave him the best years of my life and he just stole two more! I've never been so depressed.
Oh, Ma, it doesn't mean anything.
You don't understand, Dorothy.
I always had plans, dreams, things I wanted to accomplish by the time I was 50.
- What kind of dreams? - Well for one thing, I always wanted to be a ballerina.
[Salvadore.]
Please! With those legs? Come on out, Salvadore, I've got more bread waiting for you! I've got news for you.
It wouldn't have been easier to break into ballet at 48.
But I'd still have two more years to dream.
I can't believe it.
I'm 50! I'm an old lady who hasn't accomplished a thing in life.
You haven't accomplished a thing? You raised three kids during the Depression and always managed to have food on the table.
You had two jobs as far back as I can remember, but were always there when we needed you.
You got me through college, by helping pay for it, and by encouraging me when I felt like giving up.
Do you want me to go on, Ma? We could be here all night.
Enough.
Ralph Edwards makes less of a fuss over people.
[Salvadore.]
I'm tired of this old lady business! You're acting like an ass! You don't look 50.
You don't look 48.
You're as beautiful as the day I married you.
Oh, Salvadore! Tell me that again.
[Salvadore.]
You're acting like an ass! He's right.
Salvadore, open the door.
We have a birthday party to go to.
Ma! Pop, come on.
You'll be late for the party.
[Sophia.]
Er we'll be there in about an hour, Dorothy.
[Sophia.]
Oh, Salvadore! [Sophia.]
Dorothy! Er make that two hours! Wow.
Happy birthday, Ma.
Actually, we never got to the party at all.
There were a lot of disappointed people.
I wasn't one of them.
Neither was your father, if memory serves me correctly.
Is this cake ready? Roberta's gonna be here any minute.
It's ready when it's ready.
Oh, well, she won't be surprised anyway.
Surprise birthday parties never work.
Yeah? What about the surprise party we threw for you when we first moved in? That worked.
Almost.
I mean, it kind of worked.
Hi, Rose, I picked up Blanche's birthday cake.
- What are you doing? - Decorating Blanche's cake.
There, it's finished.
I said I would get the cake! I know, but where I come from, most people won't eat store-bought.
Rose, where you come from, most people live in windmills and make love to polka music.
Stop it, Dorothy, you're making me homesick.
[doorbell.]
We're coming! Who could that be? Everybody I invited is already here.
- [Rose.]
Sophia! - Ma! What are you doing here? You shouldn't leave the home.
You're recovering from a stroke! What recovering? I'm back 100%%, knock wood.
Come in! Just listen.
We are throwing a surprise birthday party for Blanche.
Go out to the lanai - and mingle with the guests.
- Check.
- What's a lanai? - The porch! Excuse me, Krystle Carrington! Blanche is gonna be surprised! It's lucky I found out today's her birthday.
- Blanche, what's wrong? - Nothing.
I want to take a bath and forget about today.
- Oh, OK.
- No! Girls, we haven't lived together very long, but when I come home mad and say nothing's wrong, you have to draw what's wrong out of me.
Blanche, what's wrong? Nothing.
OK.
Oh, all right, quit badgering me! I didn't want to tell you this, but today's my birthday.
Today's your birthday, Blanche? Today? Dorothy, did you hear that? Today is Blanche's birthday! - And I hate birthdays.
- And she hates birthdays.
The only thing worse is surprise parties.
What did I get at work today? A surprise birthday party.
Oh, I was so upset I almost threw up.
Did you hear that, Dorothy? Surprise parties make Blanche want to throw up.
Honey, go and take that bath.
We'll just forget the fact that today is really your birthday.
Well, I don't see how anybody can hate birthdays.
Well, because they are constant reminders that with each year our bodies begin to sag, our faces begin to wrinkle, our hair begins to turn gray.
Of course, none of that's happened to me yet.
But it's only a question of time until I look like you two.
Blanche, keep that up, you won't have that much time left.
Hi, Blanche.
I'm here for your surprise birthday party.
My what? What? You didn't.
Of course we didn't.
Ma, there's no party.
- Maybe I should take you home.
- Am I Frances Farmer? I know there's a party out there! Blanche, I guess we made a mistake.
Look, we'll cancel the party.
We'll forget that the whole thing ever happened.
Whoa, everybody! The party's off! They want us out! But you're welcome to come back to my place.
If someone can tell me where it is.
Roger! Edgar! Burt! Leland! Well, what are they all doing here? I invited everybody in your address book.
The little red one by my night stand? No, the little black one next to your hot body oil dispenser.
Wait a minute, fellas.
No need to rush off like this.
It is my birthday.
Who wants to be the first one to spank me? Boy, that turned out to be some evening, didn't it? It sure did.
From that night on, I learned to love surprise parties.
It reminded me of a party in St.
Olaf, as a little girl.
Big Sven and Little Sven were celebrating the first anniversary of their smoked herring hoagie house, when Big Sven - [ping.]
- [all three.]
I'll get it! [Sophia.]
It's my cake.
I'll get it.
Ma, that looks like a cookie.
You put too much rum in it.
Stick an umbrella in it and serve it with straws.
Everyone will think they're at Trader Vic's.
Let's take it in.
Roberta will be here any minute.
I hope she's surprised.
The best part of a birthday is being surprised.
[all.]
Surprise! What? - Happy birthday, Blanche.
- But but my birthday's not till next week.
We know.
But you said last time we'd never be able to surprise you again.
- It was the only way to do it.
- You did a great job.
- I don't know what to say.
- Say it's conga time! [conga music.]
Haven't you finished the hors d'oeuvres yet? - I'm doing the celery sticks.
- [giggles.]
Did you finish the decorations? No, not yet.
I kinda got sidetracked.
Look! [laughs.]
This is what you've been doing for 45 minutes? Uh-huh.
Isn't he cute? I call him Scotty.
[pops.]
Now you can call him garbage.
Help Blanche with the hors d'oeuvres.
What time's the birthday girl getting here? Roberta will be here at two.
- Does she suspect anything? - Please! The woman is 88.
She still tries to find Gunsmoke on Sunday nights.
Dorothy, get the cake and we'll take these in.
Good idea.
Wait, where's the cake? - Rose, did you take it? - I haven't even seen it yet.
- Ma, where's the cake? - I haven't seen it yet, either.
What do you mean? You were supposed to bake it! I was? - Oh, Ma! You forgot! - I didn't forget.
I wanted it to be fresh.
I'll bake it now.
Roberta will be here in 45 minutes.
You don't have time.
and knit you a sweater! Out of my way.
The maestro approaches the podium.
Gee, I hope Sophia finishes in time.
You can't give a good birthday party without a cake.
I recall a party with three cakes that was not so terrific.
Three? Rose had planned a surprise birthday party for me.
You were still living at Shady Pines.
You mean the home.
Say it, Dorothy.
The home.
Anyway, Rose had planned this surprise birthday party for me.
I'll never forget it.
I've never had such a surprise in my life.
? Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you ? Happy birthday boys and girls ? Happy birthday to you ? Welcome to Mr.
Ha Ha's Hot Dog Hacienda! [cheering.]
I have lots of fun planned for you.
But finish your Mr.
Ha Ha dog first because ? A Ha Ha dog is fun to eat ? A Ha Ha dog is really neat ? A Ha Ha dog is a great big treat ? And it's only $ 1.
79 without a beverage ? Wooh! See you soon, kids! [cheering.]
Isn't this fun? [giggles.]
Dorothy, you haven't even touched your Mr.
Ha Ha dog.
- You're right.
- [splat.]
There, I touched it.
You're not having any fun, are you, Dorothy? Am I that transparent? You're the one who always complains that her birthday parties are boring.
When I saw Mr.
Ha Ha's on TV, it looked like fun.
For a five-year-old, Rose.
Or someone who thinks like one! - I've ruined your birthday.
- Oh, no, you haven't.
- You haven't ruined it.
- Yes, I have.
I'm a big dope.
You must hate me.
Oh, honey, come on now, don't cry.
Rose, I don't hate you! I'm really having fun.
It's just that it took me a little while to get into the spirit of things.
- Seriously? - Oh, yes.
Both Blanche and I are having a lot of fun.
Aren't we, Blanche? Who wouldn't have fun eating a foot-Iong Mr.
Ha Ha dog? And drinking a 32-ounce Cherry Burpy.
If you drink three, you get to keep Mr.
Ha Ha's hat.
If you drink three, you should get to keep Mr.
Ha Ha's kidney! [drum roll.]
Guess who's back? [children.]
Mr.
Ha Ha! That's right! Now it's time for the Mr.
Ha Ha birthday roundup! When I call your name, please come up on stage.
Bobby Spina! Please say you didn't do this, Rose.
- [Mr.
Ha Ha.]
Jeannie Taylor! - Please tell me you didn't.
Dorothy Zbornak! - Dorothy Zbornak! - Stop that! You're making a fool of yourself.
Mr.
Ha Ha's looking at you.
- Are you Dorothy Zbornak? - That's right.
- Get up on stage, Dorothy! - Get bent, Ha Ha! Come on, kids.
Let's give Dorothy a great big Ha Ha cheer! - Ha Ha! - [cheering.]
[chants.]
Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy! [cheering.]
It says here on my Ha Ha birthday list that Bobby is seven Jeannie is nine, and Dorothy is I'll punch your heart out, Ha Ha.
Dorothy is the oldest! And, as the oldest, you get to lead the birthday parade! Here is your parade leader's hat.
Mr.
Music, if you please.
[jolly music.]
[toot.]
Don't prolong this.
I know what car you drive.
The parade's over! Let's hear it for all the birthday boys and girls! [cheering.]
But the fun's just about to begin.
Because it's time for your Ha Ha hot fudge cake! Free to all my birthday boys and girls.
Only $1.
98 to the rest of you.
No, thank you.
I've had enough.
Oh! I think we have a cranky birthday girl! You see, kids, when you get a little older, you can get a little cranky.
And when you get as old as Dorothy, you can be a real pain in the Ha Ha.
So, Dorothy, lighten up, enjoy your cake and make a wish, OK? Come on, kids.
Make a wish and blow out the candles.
I hope everybody gets what they wished for.
Do you really, Mr.
Ha Ha? Dorothy, if I were you, I'd put the cake down.
You see, Mr.
Music's brother is Mr.
Lawyer.
Besides, that's not a very adult thing to do.
You're right.
I can't do it.
- Mr.
Ha Ha? - Yes, Bobby? Happy birthday, Dorothy.
I'm sorry I missed that one, but I was At the home.
We know, Ma.
How's the cake coming, Sophia? Beautiful.
I got everything.
Coconut, eggs, unbleached flour, rum.
- Oh, you making a rum cake? - No.
Gee, I love to bake.
In St.
Olaf, I baked our birthday cakes.
Charlie loved 'em.
I remember the last cake I baked in St.
Olaf.
It was kinda different.
Oh, my birthday! I completely forgot! Well! I'd better make a wish and blow out those candles before Mr.
Hickenlooper has the volunteer fire brigade up here pumping water on my clean kitchen floor.
[chuckles.]
I swear, that man will look for any excuse to make that siren sound through his nose.
Inga Lundqvist told me just this last week I know.
Shut up, Rose, and blow out your candles.
OK.
A wish.
[chuckles.]
I guess that was kind of a silly wish.
I know you can't really be here with me, Charlie.
It's taken me these past eight months to accept that, but I finally have.
Then why our usual little private birthday celebration? It somehow feels less Ionely, Charlie.
I mean, this is the first special day I've had to spend without you.
If it had been Christmas, I'd have hung your stocking.
Or if it had been your birthday, I probably would have still asked the clerk down at Tuttles to help me pick out a tie for you.
I bet that would have gotten me some strange looks from the sales staff.
Although they already look at me strangely.
Because of the time I tried to special-order a double-breasted suit with a drop-seat in the pants for cousin Wendell.
Anyway, that was part of the reason.
The other part was I wanted to talk to you.
I know.
I didn't need a special occasion for that.
It would be more of an occasion if I stopped talking.
But I I figured since it was my birthday, you wouldn't be upset when you hear what I've got to tell you.
I've decided to sell the house and leave St.
Olaf, Charlie.
The winters are rough here in Minnesota.
And this place is too filled with memories to let me get on with my life.
I need to start over without you, Charlie.
And I think this is the best way.
I know it'll be tough in a strange town all alone.
But I've read some wonderful things about Miami.
It won't be long before I meet nice people and make some new friends.
I have a real good feeling about that.
So I just wanted you to know what I decided.
I hope to be in Florida before the next winter comes.
But I know that wherever I am, you'll be right there with me.
I love you, Charlie.
I miss you.
It's my birthday! You know the rules.
I get the rose.
and a pinch of baking soda.
Ma, that looked like an awfully big pinch.
Who cares? Sophia, maybe you should sit down.
I am sitting.
You know, I'm gonna make you a nice pot of coffee.
Don't panic, I'm fine.
I haven't had that much.
Besides, you think I'd ruin Roberta's milestone birthday? - Milestone? She's 88.
- Right.
After 80, every year without a headstone is a milestone.
I think my milestone birthday was when I turned 50.
Oh, Ma, I remember your 50th.
We were meant to go to a party at Guido's, but you fought with Pop.
I'll never forget it.
It was Brooklyn, April, 1956.
Dorothy, I tell the stories around here.
Picture it: Brooklyn, April, 1956 [Salvadore.]
Fine! If that's the way you feel! Sophia, I'm staying right here! [Sophia.]
Fine! Stay there forever, you big Bacciagaloop! - I curse the day I met you! - [Salvadore.]
Doubled! Ma, it's me, Dorothy! - Happy birthday, Ma.
- Ah, shut up! [Dorothy.]
You're welcome.
You'll be late for your birthday party.
Stan's in the car.
- I'm not going.
- What do you mean? What do I have to celebrate? A miserable marriage and leaving my husband? - You had a fight.
- You love to show off that college education, don't you? OK, why are you mad at Pop? Because your father is a miserable, no-good, insensitive bum! - [Salvadore.]
I heard that! - Good, then hear this! May you lose the three hairs left on your head! [Salvadore.]
Oh, yeah? May you lose your tweezers so your eyebrows meet to cover the wart on your forehead! That's not a wart, that's a beauty mark! [Salvadore.]
On Sophia Loren, it's a beauty mark! On you and Khrushchev, it's a wart! Pop, enough! Come out of the bedroom now! [Salvadore.]
Not while she's there.
She hit me.
- Ma! - With a piece of bread.
[Salvadore.]
Five days old! Like a jack handle! He deserved it for how he wished me a happy 50th.
What are you talking about? You're 48.
That's what I thought.
But last night, during Your Show Of Shows, he hands me papers he found.
He says they made a mistake on my birth certificate when I came into this country and I'm actually 50! So what's the difference? You're 50.
What's the difference? I gave him the best years of my life and he just stole two more! I've never been so depressed.
Oh, Ma, it doesn't mean anything.
You don't understand, Dorothy.
I always had plans, dreams, things I wanted to accomplish by the time I was 50.
- What kind of dreams? - Well for one thing, I always wanted to be a ballerina.
[Salvadore.]
Please! With those legs? Come on out, Salvadore, I've got more bread waiting for you! I've got news for you.
It wouldn't have been easier to break into ballet at 48.
But I'd still have two more years to dream.
I can't believe it.
I'm 50! I'm an old lady who hasn't accomplished a thing in life.
You haven't accomplished a thing? You raised three kids during the Depression and always managed to have food on the table.
You had two jobs as far back as I can remember, but were always there when we needed you.
You got me through college, by helping pay for it, and by encouraging me when I felt like giving up.
Do you want me to go on, Ma? We could be here all night.
Enough.
Ralph Edwards makes less of a fuss over people.
[Salvadore.]
I'm tired of this old lady business! You're acting like an ass! You don't look 50.
You don't look 48.
You're as beautiful as the day I married you.
Oh, Salvadore! Tell me that again.
[Salvadore.]
You're acting like an ass! He's right.
Salvadore, open the door.
We have a birthday party to go to.
Ma! Pop, come on.
You'll be late for the party.
[Sophia.]
Er we'll be there in about an hour, Dorothy.
[Sophia.]
Oh, Salvadore! [Sophia.]
Dorothy! Er make that two hours! Wow.
Happy birthday, Ma.
Actually, we never got to the party at all.
There were a lot of disappointed people.
I wasn't one of them.
Neither was your father, if memory serves me correctly.
Is this cake ready? Roberta's gonna be here any minute.
It's ready when it's ready.
Oh, well, she won't be surprised anyway.
Surprise birthday parties never work.
Yeah? What about the surprise party we threw for you when we first moved in? That worked.
Almost.
I mean, it kind of worked.
Hi, Rose, I picked up Blanche's birthday cake.
- What are you doing? - Decorating Blanche's cake.
There, it's finished.
I said I would get the cake! I know, but where I come from, most people won't eat store-bought.
Rose, where you come from, most people live in windmills and make love to polka music.
Stop it, Dorothy, you're making me homesick.
[doorbell.]
We're coming! Who could that be? Everybody I invited is already here.
- [Rose.]
Sophia! - Ma! What are you doing here? You shouldn't leave the home.
You're recovering from a stroke! What recovering? I'm back 100%%, knock wood.
Come in! Just listen.
We are throwing a surprise birthday party for Blanche.
Go out to the lanai - and mingle with the guests.
- Check.
- What's a lanai? - The porch! Excuse me, Krystle Carrington! Blanche is gonna be surprised! It's lucky I found out today's her birthday.
- Blanche, what's wrong? - Nothing.
I want to take a bath and forget about today.
- Oh, OK.
- No! Girls, we haven't lived together very long, but when I come home mad and say nothing's wrong, you have to draw what's wrong out of me.
Blanche, what's wrong? Nothing.
OK.
Oh, all right, quit badgering me! I didn't want to tell you this, but today's my birthday.
Today's your birthday, Blanche? Today? Dorothy, did you hear that? Today is Blanche's birthday! - And I hate birthdays.
- And she hates birthdays.
The only thing worse is surprise parties.
What did I get at work today? A surprise birthday party.
Oh, I was so upset I almost threw up.
Did you hear that, Dorothy? Surprise parties make Blanche want to throw up.
Honey, go and take that bath.
We'll just forget the fact that today is really your birthday.
Well, I don't see how anybody can hate birthdays.
Well, because they are constant reminders that with each year our bodies begin to sag, our faces begin to wrinkle, our hair begins to turn gray.
Of course, none of that's happened to me yet.
But it's only a question of time until I look like you two.
Blanche, keep that up, you won't have that much time left.
Hi, Blanche.
I'm here for your surprise birthday party.
My what? What? You didn't.
Of course we didn't.
Ma, there's no party.
- Maybe I should take you home.
- Am I Frances Farmer? I know there's a party out there! Blanche, I guess we made a mistake.
Look, we'll cancel the party.
We'll forget that the whole thing ever happened.
Whoa, everybody! The party's off! They want us out! But you're welcome to come back to my place.
If someone can tell me where it is.
Roger! Edgar! Burt! Leland! Well, what are they all doing here? I invited everybody in your address book.
The little red one by my night stand? No, the little black one next to your hot body oil dispenser.
Wait a minute, fellas.
No need to rush off like this.
It is my birthday.
Who wants to be the first one to spank me? Boy, that turned out to be some evening, didn't it? It sure did.
From that night on, I learned to love surprise parties.
It reminded me of a party in St.
Olaf, as a little girl.
Big Sven and Little Sven were celebrating the first anniversary of their smoked herring hoagie house, when Big Sven - [ping.]
- [all three.]
I'll get it! [Sophia.]
It's my cake.
I'll get it.
Ma, that looks like a cookie.
You put too much rum in it.
Stick an umbrella in it and serve it with straws.
Everyone will think they're at Trader Vic's.
Let's take it in.
Roberta will be here any minute.
I hope she's surprised.
The best part of a birthday is being surprised.
[all.]
Surprise! What? - Happy birthday, Blanche.
- But but my birthday's not till next week.
We know.
But you said last time we'd never be able to surprise you again.
- It was the only way to do it.
- You did a great job.
- I don't know what to say.
- Say it's conga time! [conga music.]