The Golden Girls (1985) s03e16 Episode Script

Grab That Dough

(music) Thank you for being a friend (music) Traveled down the road and back again (music) Your heart is true (music) You're a pal and a confidant (music) And if you threw a party (music) Invited everyone you knew (music) You would see (music) The biggest gift would be from me (music) And the card attached would say (music) Thank you for being a friend (music) [Dorothy.]
Hi, Ma.
You want some dinner? Forget dinner.
Listen up, everybody.
I've got something in this old lady purse that's gonna make you scream, holler and jump for joy.
Are the batteries included? Hang on to your cannolis, because the four of us are gonna be contestants on Grab That Dough.
Grab That Do Ma, do you mean that ridiculous game show where people humiliate themselves - for the sake of a dollar? - That's the one.
[All yelling.]
- I don't believe it.
- We're gonna be on TV.
I've been trying to get us on for six months.
Oh, Grab That Dough is my favorite game show.
Oh, mine too, and I think Guy Corbin is the cutest host on TV.
He's like Gene Rayburn, Chuck Woolery and Bob Eubanks, all rolled into one.
That's an awful lot of teeth and polyester.
- Sophia, when are we gonna be on? - Tomorrow afternoon in Hollywood.
You're kidding, Hollywood, California? No, Rose, Hollywood on the planet Romulak.
Wait a minute, Ma.
What do you mean, tomorrow? That's what it says on these tickets.
Honey, they have to give us more time than that.
Oh, Ma, these tickets were sent out four months ago.
You gave them the wrong address.
Oh, yeah.
Here it is, my old address from Sicily.
Two miles west of Palermo, underneath the old bridge.
You used to live under a bridge? Yeah, we were wealthy.
Most people didn't have a bridge to live under.
Well, isn't that a shame.
- We won't be able to go.
- Why not? You have a pressing engagement with a cheesecake? There's money involved here.
You know what, girls? She's right.
Now, we could catch the red eye.
We could be in Hollywood tomorrow morning.
By tomorrow afternoon, we would all be ready to [all chanting.]
Grab that dough! [Rose.]
I can't believe that stupid airline lost our luggage.
What are we gonna do? Ask Blanche, she's the expert when it comes to checking into hotels without luggage.
I can't believe somebody stole my bags.
Don't worry about it.
With all the money we're gonna win, you'll replace those bags and everything in them.
- Yeah, what about my bags? - Relax, with your share, you can have your bags surgically removed.
Let's get to our rooms and get some sleep.
- Good idea.
- Good morning, I'm Nancy.
- How may I help you? - We have two double rooms reserved under the name Zbornak.
I'm afraid I just gave those two rooms away.
- But we had a reservation.
- Until 3am.
You're late.
Therefore the reservation is null and void.
I'm sorry, that's company policy.
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm from Sicily and you know what our policy is? - First, I break your knees.
- Ma, Ma.
Look, forget about the reservation, just give us two double rooms.
I'm afraid we're all booked up.
First you give away our rooms.
Now you tell us you're booked up.
- That's correct, madam.
- It is? Hey, I'm pretty sharp for three in the morning.
Here, let me handle this.
Nancy, honey.
Now, I don't generally like to throw my name around, but you really leave me no choice.
It so happens that I am Miss Angie Dickinson.
And now, if you don't mind, I would like two rooms.
You don't look like Angie Dickinson to me.
I know, I have altered my appearance for a very important movie role.
Yeah, it's about a woman who eats her way from behind the Iron Curtain.
I think we just better go to another hotel.
I'm afraid that would be an exercise in futility.
There's not a vacant room in the city.
Girls, this is terrible.
We're gonna be on national television in seven hours.
We don't have any clothes, now we don't have a place to sleep.
Look, I sympathize with your problem.
For $ 75 you can sleep in the lobby and I won't have you arrested for loitering.
$ 75? That's a lot of money.
I know, ma'am.
That's why I want it.
Oh! Gee, this is just great.
I mean, everything this whole night has been nothing but fun.
You really need to get out more, Rose.
Come on, Dorothy.
Admit you're having fun.
It's kind of like being on an adventure.
An adventure, my foot! It's more like a nightmare.
We're gonna go on national TV in clothes we slept in all night.
We'll look like hell.
We'll be exhausted, we won't be able to answer any questions.
Would you stop complaining? We've got it easy.
Back in Sicily, I was on a game show.
It was torture.
- What was it called, Sophia? - I just told you.
Mussolini asked the questions and you'd better have the right answers.
Things like: Who do you like better, me or Hitler? Who's got the snappiest boots, me or Hitler? Who's got the cuter girlfriend, me or Hitler? And you always had to answer, "Mussolini.
" Otherwise, they forced you to play the lightning round.
They used real lightning.
Oh, come on, Ma, you're making this up.
Like hell, I did.
Goodson-Todman brought it to the U.
, changed a few rules and called it Tattle Tales.
Now count your blessings and go to sleep.
Good night.
Fernando, you naughty boy.
Not the feathers.
Blanche, Blanche, wake up.
People are looking at you.
What? Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I think I was having an erotic dream.
Your father used to do a thing with feathers when we were first married.
He was too lazy to pull them off the chicken so I put an end to that.
Ma, next time you have an urge to stroll down memory lane, do me a favor: Go by yourself.
What time are we supposed to be at the studio? I don't know, I have to check the tickets.
Hand me my purse, Dorothy.
I don't have your pur Wait a minute, you have mine.
- I gave them to you.
- Hold everything.
- I think my purse is missing.
- So is mine! Girls, you know what this means? Somebody snuck in here while we were asleep and [all.]
Grabbed our dough! I'm sorry ladies, but without a description, there's absolutely nothing we can do.
But if you remember anything, give me a call.
How about if I just wanna say hello? Dorothy, I'm in the ladies room, I look in my brassiere, what do you think I find? Hopefully, what we all find when we look in our brassieres.
I haven't been able to find those since I nursed your brother Phil.
But I did find the tickets to the game show.
- [Blanche.]
Sophia! - [Rose.]
You're kidding! I forgot, I put them there for safekeeping.
Oh, Ma, I could just kiss you.
Uh, not until we locate a toothbrush, okay? Well, it is high time something went right on this trip.
Yeah, we have to figure out a way to get to the studio.
We can always walk.
It's only 39 blocks.
If we start right now, we can still get there in time.
I have a better idea.
We can hitchhike.
I can lift my skirt, like that Clark Gable movie, It Happened One Night.
We'll have a ride in no time.
Please, you lift up your skirt, and someone might mistake your thigh for the on ramp to the freeway.
Let's hit it! Hello.
Wow, aren't you Tiffany Blane? The lady on Grab That Dough who stands in front of stuff - and does this.
- Yes.
Yes, I am.
How do you do? I'm Dorothy Zbornak.
This is my mother, Sophia Petrillo.
And these are my friends, Rose and Blanche.
We're competing on today's show.
Well, hello, Tiffany.
It's such a pleasure to meet you.
I want you to know that I thought those pictures of you in that sleazy girlie magazine were so tastefully done.
By the way, was that a real English bobby spanking you there in front of Big Ben? Now, ladies.
Would you like to meet the other contestants? Oh, look, look.
There's Guy Corbin.
Oh, what a hunk.
Oh, that man makes my Ovaltine boil.
Good morning, ladies.
Welcome to our show.
I'm Guy Corbin.
And this morning, I've arranged something especially for you.
Fresh ground coffee and prune Danish.
Tiffany? Why don't you tell them all about it right now.
Dorothy, could I have a word with you just a minute? - Of course.
- Listen.
I've been talking to the other two contestants, the Kaplan Brothers.
I learned some very interesting things.
Number one, they have won over $40,000 in cash and prizes on various game shows.
Dorothy, I think you and I should team up with them.
Oh, Blanche.
That's impossible.
That would mean dumping Ma and Rose.
I know, it's terrible.
I feel awful thinking about it, but face it, if we team up with Fred and Willard, we stand a better chance of winning.
Blanche, I am shocked that you would even suggest such a thing.
Your mother and Rose are dead weight.
Let's cut them loose before they drag us down.
Blanche, you expect me to betray one of my dearest friends, not to mention my own mother, just to win a few extra dollars.
- Yes.
- Okay, I'll do it.
All right, everyone.
We're about to go on the air.
Let's divide up into teams, and remember to jump up and down and scream a lot! - Come on, Dorothy, we're on.
- Sophia, Rose, honey.
Before you go out, there's something you ought to know.
We're gonna team up with the Kaplans.
The Kaplan Brothers? You mean you and Dorothy are joining a country western band? That's the Gatlin Brothers, Rose.
The Kaplan Brothers are those gentlemen standing there.
You're dumping me and Rose for those two yutzes? Oh, Ma, believe me, it's for the best.
If we split up, we double our chances of going home with something.
Cut the bull.
You don't want us 'cause you think we're too stupid.
Thirty seconds to air, take your places, please.
- Don't be mad, Ma.
- Get bent.
We're gonna cream you.
- Yeah.
- We're gonna maul you.
- We're gonna beat you into the ground.
- Yeah.
Okay, I'll give you Rose and $50 for your dumbest Kaplan Brother.
[Game show theme music plays.]
It's time to play Grab That Dough with your host, Guy Corbin.
Thank you.
Hello, everybody! Welcome to Grab That Dough.
The show where all you really need to know to win, is how to make a fist.
Let's meet our lucky contestants.
First, on the green team, we have Dorothy Zbornak, an English teacher originally from Brooklyn, New York.
She now lives in Miami with her mother, who will gladly pay anyone who will take her out for a date.
Our second contestant is an artist with an incredible body.
She runs her own museum, speaks Chinese and hopes to sail around the world before she turns 40.
Wow, that must be a typo.
Welcome, Blanche Devereaux! [Applause.]
Our next two contestants are brothers from Milwaukee.
Blanche, that entire introduction was nothing but lies.
I know, and they just loved it.
Did you hear that applause? Is that all you care about? Money and applause? And sex.
For which I generally get applause.
Our next contestant is a family counselor.
She originally hails from St.
Olaf, Minnesota, where she was voted the girl most likely to get stuck in a tuba.
Welcome, Rose Nylund.
And last, but not least, is a grandmother of six.
Sophia Petrillo.
Sophia, it says here that you and Dorothy are mother and daughter.
No, Guy.
Rose is my daughter now.
Dorothy, you're the biggest disappointment to hit the streets since the AMC Pacer.
Say, it's time to play Grab That Dough.
Hands on buzzers.
Let's begin with our trivia lightning round.
What famous Tennessee Williams play was recently made into a film - by Paul Newman? - [Buzzer sounds.]
- [Guy.]
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- [Buzzer sounds.]
- Rose.
- Was it The Glass Menagerie? - That's correct for 100 points.
What innovative industrialist invented the assembly line? - [Buzzer sounds.]
- [Guy.]
I'm sorry, I did it again.
- [Buzzer sounds.]
- [Guy.]
- Henry Ford.
- That's correct.
For another 100 points, who is the current Secretary of State? [Buzzer sounds.]
- [Guy.]
- Charles Schulz.
He created Peanuts.
I thought that was George Washington Carver.
Willard, don't ever touch your buzzer again.
- [Buzzer sounds.]
- [Guy.]
Is the correct answer George Schultz? [Guy.]
That's correct.
Rose is on a roll and the blue team is leading 300 to nothing.
I won! - Shut up, Nylund.
- You shut up.
Why don't you both shut up and answer this next question.
For 100 points, complete this famous saying: "Better late than" - [buzzer sounds.]
- Blanche.
That's incorrect.
But certainly not untrue.
- [Buzzer sounds.]
- Rose.
Guy, is it "Better late than never"? Right you are, Rose.
[Bell rings.]
That signals the end of the trivia lightning round.
The blue team leads with 400 points while the green team trails with a big fat zero.
We'll be right back to take a spin on the big money wheel, right after this commercial message.
- [Man.]
We're clear.
- Thanks.
So, Dorothy, how does it feel to have a big fat zero? We'll catch up! I wasn't talking about your score, I was talking about your partner.
We're too dumb, huh? We're gonna whip your heinies.
The game's not over yet, Nylund.
It is for you, Devereaux.
Five seconds.
[Theme plays.]
Once again, here's Guy Corbin.
Welcome back.
It's time to spin the big money wheel on Grab That Dough.
Spinners, mosey on down.
We'll start first with Blanche from the green team.
Blanche, show us your stuff.
- You first, Mr.
Game Show Host.
- Blanche, spin the wheel.
You're landing on - [screams.]
- Grab that dough! Yes, Blanche, you landed on "grab that dough.
" - You know what that means? - Yeah, we're shafted.
That's right, Sophia.
The green team automatically wins a chance to grab that dough at our magic money machine.
Come this way.
Now, green team, you have 15 seconds to grab as much money as you can.
Who's going to grab today? I'm going to grab today, Guy.
Wonderful, you ought to make quite a haul with those meathooks.
Let's have our big money smock and the big money goggles.
[Music plays.]
Remember, Dorothy, you need to grab $500 to beat the blue team and get a chance at what's behind the window.
Ready? She's all ready to grab that dough! - [Bell rings.]
- Oh, time's up.
Oh! Let's see how she did.
Help her out.
Okay, Dorothy, let's see how you did.
seven, eight, $900! The green team makes a miraculous comeback and wins the game! Oh, blue team, we don't want you to go away empty handed, you have $400, that's $100 a piece, and you have the home version of Grab That Dough which attaches to any vacuum cleaner.
Thank you for being with us.
Cram it, piano teeth.
Now, green team, what are you going to do with all that dough? Are you going to keep it, or are you going to trade it for what's behind one of our windows? I say, let's go for the window.
No, we have to discuss this with everyone.
Okay, Guy, we're gonna go for what's behind the window.
Will you take window one, [Guy.]
window two, [Guy.]
or window three? [Whispering.]
Window three, Guy.
All right, but first, let's see what you didn't pick.
Behind window one, brand new living room furniture.
Retail price for this magnificent prize, $12,000.
But that's not what you picked.
Thanks for pointing that out.
You're welcome, Dorothy.
Let's see what's behind window two.
It's a brand new car.
Yes, it's that beautiful sports car you've always dreamed of.
Retail price, $23,000.
Now, Dorothy, Blanche, Willard and Fred, it's time to see what you did pick.
Are you ready? - We're ready.
- Yes, yes.
Because have I got something for you a brand new electric skillet! A what? [Guy.]
An electric skillet that's from Fry Quick.
It not only fries, it boils, it bakes, it simmers It stinks! My apologies to the Fry Quick corporation.
But green team, we're not finished with you yet.
You need something to go in that skillet.
A car! We want a car! No, a lifetime supply of soup! Yes, it's soup, soup and more soup.
Every kind you can imagine and it's yours for the rest of your lifetime.
Well, that's our show for today, folks.
Contestants, come on down and give a Grab That Dough goodbye.
Goodbye, everybody.
Thank goodness we're home.
That's the worst trip I've ever been on.
Blanche, how can you say that? How can she say that? We lost our luggage, we slept in a hotel lobby, our purses were stolen We won zippo on the game show.
But we still have our friendship.
We made up on the plane There was nothing else to do.
It was either that or watch Three Amigos with the headset.
Well, I am gonna forget all about this while soaking in a nice warm tub.
- Me, too.
- Rose, we only have one tub.
- I get the deep end.
- Rose! Ma.
Ma, you're still mad at me, aren't you? Dorothy, you let greed cloud your judgment.
Money blinded you.
You turned your back on the people you love.
You did a terrible, terrible thing.
It's unforgivable.
Ma, isn't there anything I can do to make it up to you? - Give me $100.
- Make it 50.
Done, I love you.

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