The Golden Girls (1985) s03e19 Episode Script

(music) Thank you for being a friend
(music) Traveled down the road and back again
(music) Your heart is true
(music) You're a pal and a confidante
(music) And if you threw a party
(music) Invited everyone you knew
(music) You would see
The biggest gift would be from me
(music) And the card attached would say
(music) Thank you for being a friend (music)
- Hi, Rose.
- Hi.
- What you hiding?
- Nothing.
- What smells so awful?
- It's a new fragrance I'm wearing.
I'm sure that I don't have to ask this,
but you are aware
that toilet water comes in a bottle?
Here. Oh, cat food.
Oh, Rose, have you been feeding
those strays again?
I can't help it, Dorothy. I heard them
howling and moaning all night.
How do you ignore something like that?
I'm getting used to it.
My room's next to Blanche's.
Something smells good in here.
What's for lunch?
- It's cat food, Sophia.
- Is that seafood medley?
- Yes, it is.
- They used to feed that to us.
They did not make you eat
cat food at Shady Pines.
I didn't say they made us eat it.
You had the option to go hungry.
By the way, I'm moving out tomorrow.
Ma, come back here!
What do you mean, you're moving out?
Your brother Phil called again.
Big Sally left him for good.
She packed the four kids
and moved to another trailer court.
- I thought they had six kids.
- She had to leave two behind.
I think if they cross state lines,
it's a parole violation.
Sophia, you mean
you're moving for good?
Not for good. I'm just gonna
help him raise the kids.
I'll be back as soon
as they graduate from high school.
Let's see. They're 14 now.
That should be about
ten, twelve years.
You can't just run off to help Phil
every time he has a problem.
- I came here when you had a problem.
- I did not have a problem.
You came to live here
because the home burned down.
That's right, Sophia.
Don't you remember?
- Hi there.
- Ma! Ma, what's the matter?
Everyone is fine. No one died.
The home burnt down.
My God. How'd you get here?
- I hitched.
- Ma!
- A cab. I took a cab.
- Well, you should've called.
I'm perfectly capable
of managing by myself.
I don't need help.
I'm a totally independent person.
- I know. I know.
- I need $67 for the cab.
$67?
Ma, this is crazy.
The home is 15 minutes from here.
My cab driver is Cuban.
He said there was an additional tax
for a bilingual driver.
I'll take care of him.
Sit down, Sophia. You must be exhausted.
Why? I rode in the cab.
I didn't push it.
Oh, Sophia, honey,
how nice to see you.
Who are you?
- It's me, Blanche.
- You look like a prostitute.
Sophia, the things you say.
She didn't mean that, Blanche.
Of course I mean it. Look at her.
My cab driver would fall in love.
- [Doorbell rings]
- Oh. I'll get it.
Harry! Hi.
My pretty!
Everybody, this is Harry.
- Harry, this is Rose.
- Rose.
- And Dorothy.
- Dorothy.
- And this is Sophia.
- Well, you must be Blanche's sister.
And you must be blind.
Sophia's home just burnt down.
- That's terrible.
- Not to me.
It was a retirement home.
You know what they did?
They set off the fire alarm
in a retirement home.
Who can rush?
Half the people have walkers.
The other half
can't get out of their chairs.
But they got bells going off like crazy.
You know what that does to hearts
that only beat a few times a week?
It's not pretty.
We better go. We have reservations.
I hope he's taking you
to a cold climate.
Good night, ladies.
It was a pleasure.
[Dorothy]
Nice meeting you, Harry.
The man is a scuzzball.
The four of us have lived together
for a long time.
How can you just walk in
and announce that you're leaving?
Warden, I could make a break for it,
but you'd shoot me going over the wall.
Sophia, couldn't you just visit Phil?
You don't have to move in permanently.
You're not gonna be comfortable there.
They live in a trailer.
You won't have privacy.
I bet you don't get your own bedroom.
We have our own rooms here,
and I still don't get any privacy.
One of us always ends up
sharing a bed.
Every time someone visits,
I'm in your room,
you're in my room,
she's in her room, she's in your room.
Look at me.
- What?
- You're getting a cold.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
Tomorrow, a cold.
What is this,
The Curse of the Cat Woman?
I'm a mother. I know these things.
- Good night, Ma.
- Good night.
- What's that smell?
- [Sniffs]
I don't smell anything.
Are you wearing something?
A little Ben Gay on my knees.
A little Vicks on my chest.
Deep Heat on my neck.
What are you trying to do, pickle
yourself so you'll live to be 100?
Fine. I'll wipe it off.
Tomorrow I'll be in a wheelchair.
- Good night, Ma.
- Good night.
Keep it up, I'll need a Dramamine.
- Ma.
- Is it morning already?
No, no. I just wanted
to ask you a question.
What?
How would you react if you were told
that one of your kids was gay?
Your brother Phil is gay? I knew it.
When he was a kid, we couldn't keep him
away from those gladiator movies.
- Ma, Phil is not gay.
- You mean you're gay?
Your friend Jean is having
some sort of membership drive?
- Ma.
- I know you don't get many dates,
but stick with what you know.
At your age, it's very hard
to break into something new.
- Good night.
- Ma, I am not gay.
I just wanted to get your reaction.
I'll tell you the truth.
If one of my kids was gay,
I wouldn't love him one bit less.
I would wish him
all the happiness in the world.
That's because you're the greatest
mother in the world, and I love you.
Fine.
Now keep your fat mouth shut
so I can get some sleep.
Jean thinks she's in love with Rose.
Heh.
[Laughing]
- Ma, come on, it's not funny.
- The hell it's not.
Jean in love with
Little Miss Muffet? Come on!
What is going on?
- Nothing.
- Nothing.
Oh, come on now. I heard you laughing.
What's so funny?
- For starters, Jean is a lesbian.
- Ma.
- What's funny about that?
- You aren't surprised?
Of course not.
I've never known any personally,
but isn't Danny Thomas one?
Not Lebanese, Blanche.
Lesbian.
Lesbian. Lesbian.
Lesbian?
Isn't that where
one woman and another
We already know what it means.
Jean's a very attractive woman.
She could have any man she wants.
- She doesn't want them.
- Well, why not?
A man has so much more to offer,
you know what I mean?
I found out when Mark Perper was running
for class president in 3rd grade.
What's that have to do with anything?
His campaign slogan was, "Vote for me
and I'll show you my wee-wee."
He won by a landslide.
Well, I'll never understand what Jean
doesn't see in the opposite sex,
but if that's what makes her happy,
that's fine by me.
- [Dorothy] One other thing.
- Jean thinks she's in love with Rose.
Rose?
Jean has the hots for Rose?
I don't believe it!
- I was pretty surprised myself.
- Well, I'll bet.
To think Jean would prefer Rose over me.
That's ridiculous!
- Blanche, please!
- You tell me the truth.
If you had to pick between me and Rose,
who would you pick?
Blanche, pull yourself together!
Oh. I'm sorry.
- Does Rose know?
- No.
Good. I don't think
you ought to tell her.
After all, she's not as
worldly and sophisticated
about these things as I am.
If she finds out Danny Thomas
is a lesbian, it'll break her heart.
Salvadore, if you wanna fool around,
take off your T-shirt.
You're gonna get linguini all over me.
Ma, go back to sleep.
It's just me, Dorothy.
- Get the hell out of my bed.
- Ma, have a heart.
The heat went out again.
I'm freezing to death.
You're the only one
who has an electric blanket.
I'll die under here with you.
Your body's like a heat sponge.
You'll suck up all the heat,
and I'll get up a frozen fish stick.
Just turn up the heat.
It's already on 9.
On 10, you can cook a Lean Cuisine.
Good night, Ma.
Girls, girls, could I please share
your electric blanket?
- No!
- No!
Come on! I can't sleep!
My bed's never been so cold.
Especially on a Saturday night.
Oh, all right. Get in.
Did you hear that sound?
Yeah. As long as I'm in my own bed,
I'll do what I want.
I mean, it sounded like
the heat kicking on.
Thank God. Get back to your own beds.
- Hi, everybody.
- What are you doing?
Tinkering with the heater,
trying to get it to work.
Rose, you're a genius.
Boy, that's a sentence
you don't hear every day.
She's working great now,
except for one little thing.
I turned the air conditioner on instead
of the heater, and now it won't go off.
Great! Now it's gonna be colder inside
than it is outside.
I think you're right.
There's an icicle forming
on the nose of my bunny slippers.
- Move over.
- Oh!
[Grunting]
Ow! Ohh!
- There. That's not so bad.
- Get your bunny nose out of my butt.
- Let's just get some sleep.
- Good night, Ma.
Good night, Moe. Good night, Larry.
I'm not gonna be able to sleep.
I'm on the wrong side of the bed.
I usually sleep on the right side,
and I wanna be on the right side.
What is everyone so particular about?
In Sicily, four in a bed is a treat.
It means half your family
is on vacation.
I slept with my two brothers
until I was 17.
I was engaged to one
for a very short period of time.
But that's a separate story.
- I wouldn't mind hearing it.
- Rose, shut up.
Stay where you are and go to sleep.
I have to go to work
early in the morning.
- Oh, darn. I forgot something.
- Go in your pajamas.
No, it's not that.
I forgot to say my prayers.
Oh, Rose, God wouldn't mind
if you skipped a night.
He's very busy these days.
Most of his free time is spent
talking to Pat Robertson.
Hello, God. It's me, Rose Nylund.
I'm sorry to be getting
in touch so late tonight.
- I hope I didn't wake you.
- Oh, God.
One at a time, Blanche.
Anyway, I just wanted to say
I think you're still doing
a terrific job.
Of course, there's some things
I don't understand,
like poverty
and the spokesmodel category
on Star Search.
But then again, you work your wonders
in mysterious ways.
A couple of years ago,
I would've frozen to death
'cause I was by myself.
Now I have Dorothy and Blanche
and Sophia to keep me warm.
Not just on a cold winter's night,
but all year long.
Take care of them, God.
If anything happened, I'd just
[Dorothy] Rose, thanks
for the lovely prayer.
Now shut up and get into bed.
Amen!
- Nice work, Dorothy.
- Wasn't me.
Sweet Jesus, am I in trouble.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I love you all dearly, but I have to go
where I'm needed, and Phil needs me.
You said Phil and his wife
were getting along.
They were never right for each other.
She never appreciated him,
never encouraged him.
With the right woman behind him,
he could've had a real diamond
in his front tooth.
Ma, you always stick up for him.
The fact is, he has always made the
wrong choices when it came to women.
Oh, and you've always made the right
choices when it came to relationships?
Need I remind the three of you
of the yutz parade
that's been through this house?
Sophia, be fair. At our age,
it's not easy to find the perfect man.
Maybe we have all dated
our share of losers,
but I personally have had
my share of winners, too.
Please. You've ridden more winners
than Willie Shoemaker.
All I meant was there has been
a variety of men in our lives.
Thanks for the ride home, Dirk.
See you at Tuesday's jazzercise class.
I'll see you then,
unless I see you before then.
If you wouldn't mind,
maybe we could go out.
Why, Dirk, did I just
hear you ask me for a date?
Are you deaf? I heard him from here.
So, Blanche, you think maybe we could
have dinner Saturday night?
Why don't I just check my datebook
and let you know.
- Sure. I'll call you tomorrow.
- Okay. Bye.
Bye.
Well, isn't this
an interesting turn of events?
Gosh, I just don't know
what I'm gonna do.
He is a little bit younger than I am.
You know what I think? I can handle
this relationship with Dirk.
- I'm going out with him Saturday night.
- Was there ever any doubt?
Momentarily.
This is strictly off the record, but
Dirk's nearly
five years younger than I am.
In what, Blanche, dog years?
I'm Blanche. I'm Dorothy's roommate.
Would you get the door?
Dorothy's told me about you.
She seems to have left out
one itty-bitty detail about you.
- That I'm a priest.
- Uh-huh.
She didn't know.
What'd she think,
you were just a boring dresser?
She's never seen me
in cleric's clothing.
I didn't know you priests
could take your clothes off.
- We do a lot of things real people do.
- Except for one very important thing.
Boy, is that gonna put
a hitch in Dorothy's plan.
Hello. I'm Rose Nylund.
You must be Frank.
- It's a pleasure to finally meet you.
- It's nice to meet you, too.
Dorothy's done nothing
but talk about you.
Rose
Every time she mentions your name,
she practically glows.
- She's very smitten with you.
- Rose!
- He's a priest, isn't he?
- Yes, Rose.
I'm so sorry Hell Town was canceled.
Frank, Frank, I'm sorry. I
Please tell me that's a Nehru jacket.
No, it's not.
Rose, let's go heat up the lasagna.
Come on. Come on.
Why didn't you tell me
it was Father Leahy?
- I assumed you knew.
- No, I didn't.
And, frankly, I'm
I'm a little embarrassed.
Well, me, too.
What difference does it make?
We can still be friends.
Of course we can. I'm glad you're here.
Yeah, so am I.
You look lovely tonight.
I look like the mother
of a Solid Gold dancer.
Girls, I wanna give y'all
my gift next, okay?
I thought this was
such a cute idea,
I made the same one
for each of you. Here. Sophia.
"The Men of Blanche's Boudoir."
It's a calendar.
Each month has the picture of a man
who's brought
some special joy into my life.
Oh, Blanche.
Oh, honey, this is so thoughtful.
Whoa!
- September?
- Yep.
I'm surprised
you were able to walk in October.
- So, uh, where are you going?
- Out with a friend, from work.
The friend you've been out with
five times in three weeks?
- Yes.
- All right, spill it. Who is he?
His name is Dr. Jonathan Newman.
He's a psychiatrist at the grief center.
So, Rose, you're seeing a psychiatrist.
It's about time.
Hello. I'm Dr. Jonathan Newman.
Are you absolutely sure?
Yes. May I come in?
Oh, please, please.
Please come right in.
- May I take your height hat?
- Thank you.
You must be Dorothy.
Rose has told me all about you.
I wish I could say the same.
Oh, Blanche, Blanche,
this is Dr. Jonathan Newman.
Get out of here.
Blanche
But he's a
A little early, yes,
but we're delighted to see him.
Hi, Jonathan.
Hello, Rose. You're looking lovely.
Oh, wait a minute.
Rose Nylund, you devil, you.
I just figured out what's going on here.
Blanche.
You're sore at me for inviting
your friend without asking,
so you had this guy to come over
and teach me a lesson.
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
God, I wish I was dead.
Blanche, let's go get the hors d'oeuvre.
Excuse us.
Oh, I have never been
so embarrassed in my entire life.
- I made a fool of myself, didn't I?
- Yes!
Well, I feel awful. Just awful.
Listen, if you don't want tonight
to turn into a total disaster,
you have to stop being
so self-conscious.
Oh, well, you're right. Of course.
Dr. Newman is a guest in our home.
If I'm self-conscious,
he'll be ill at ease.
I can't allow that to happen.
It would be un-Southern.
That's a good belle.
Dorothy, get the door.
Shrimp?
Sophia, isn't there anything we can do
to convince you to stay?
I wish you could, but my mind's made up.
My baby needs me.
What about me, Ma?
You've always been able
to take care of yourself.
All right. What about me?
You were strong and independent
even before I got here.
- You don't need me.
- What about me?
You? You need the Wizard of Oz.
I'm gonna pack.
Sophia, isn't there anything
we can do to make you stay?
Nothing. My mind's made up.
I'm leaving in the morning.
Oh!
Oh, you couldn't sleep either, huh?
No.
I can't believe
that Ma's really gonna go.
Spent two hours trying
to talk her out of it.
She still insists she's leaving.
I don't know what to do.
Let me get the cheesecake,
and we'll talk.
- [Gasps] Oh, my God.
- Blanche, what's wrong?
Here we are in the middle of a crisis,
and there's no cheesecake.
- Didn't we buy one yesterday?
- Yes, but I found two gray hairs.
Blanche, you're over 50.
Finding two gray hairs is no reason
to eat a whole cheesecake.
I found the two gray hairs
in the cheesecake,
so I threw it out.
Hi, girls.
I figured this might happen,
so I bought a cheesecake.
Oh, Rose, that's great.
What's really great is they
fired that gray-haired baker
who refused to wear a net.
Well, let's slice this baby up and see
if we can solve our Sophia problem.
Here, darling.
Do you know how many problems
we have solved over a cheesecake
at this kitchen table?
No. Exactly how many?
147, Rose!
The point I was trying to make
is that we have had
a lot of great late-night
talks right here.
Yeah, and most of them
have been about sex.
Oh! Well, of course,
we do talk about sex,
but we talk about other things, too.
We console each other,
we help each other,
we advise each other,
and then we talk about sex again.
I am so glad that my date
with Barry is tomorrow.
- The fat won't have time to show.
- It won't?
No. It always takes
a few days before it shows.
Where does it go in the meantime?
To Connecticut!
How do I know where it goes?
With me, the minute it goes
in my mouth, I balloon up.
I go out to dinner, and in
the middle of the meal,
my pants are cutting off my circulation
so bad my feet are turning blue.
Well, I just wanna be svelte for Barry.
Barry Glick is very important to you.
[Sighs]
Barry was the man
that I wanted to be the first.
- First where?
- On Mars, Rose!
- My first lover.
- So what happened?
Stanley. That's what happened.
Stanley.
I went to a drive-in with Stanley.
He said he was being
shipped off to Korea
and would probably die,
and it would mean so much.
That was my part of the war effort.
It took three seconds.
I wasn't sure that we had
done anything, actually,
until nine months later
when the baby came.
Then I figured out that we had.
You know, that was my only proof.
I waited till my wedding night.
No!
Yes!
And?
And it was a surprise.
How is that possible?
Another man showed up?
What I mean is,
I had never seen a man before.
- A man?
- You know.
A man.
- No.
- Yes!
What about your father?
You mean, you never
saw your father?
My father?
Oh, no! My father?
Oh, my goodness, no!
I would've simply died!
- Oh, my God! My father?
- Easy, easy! Easy, Rose!
- Oh, my God!
- Easy!
The only things I ever saw
were the animals on the farm.
- You know, the bulls and the horses.
- Tough act to follow.
Actually, that first night,
I was kind of, well,
appalled, I guess.
Charlie was very patient.
It was really very nice
once I understood that that's
what you were supposed to do
and it wasn't some colossal joke.
Didn't you think it was
a ridiculous thing to do the first time?
No.
I certainly didn't wait
for my wedding night.
Honey, I couldn't. I had these urges.
You know, in the South,
we mature faster.
I think it's the heat.
I think it's the gin.
Anyhow, my first was Billy.
Oh, I remember it so well,
just like it was yesterday.
That night under the dogwood trees,
the air thick with perfume
and me with Billy.
Or Bobby.
Yeah. Bobby. Yeah, it was Bobby.
Or was it Ben?
Oh, who knows?
Anyway, it started with a "B."
That first time,
did you have
Are you serious?
Why, many times that first time.
Many, many times.
- You did?
- You didn't?
No!
Oh, it was nice.
Being near Charlie was nice.
But it was five years before I knew what
made your eyes go back in your head.
Dorothy, did you have
How could I? It always seemed to happen
before I was in the room.
Blanche, you're out of bed.
This is wonderful.
No, it is not wonderful.
I was lying in bed eating.
If I don't get up and walk,
I'm gonna become a hippo.
And life, if I can still call it that,
has to go on, so here I am.
I'll just spend my remaining years
in the company of women.
Only reason I'm sticking around
is to read Danielle Steel's next book.
Because you're going
through the change?
- God, I hate that expression.
- What is the big deal? It's nothing.
Look at it this way.
You don't get cramps once a month.
You don't go on eating binges.
- You don't get crazy once a month.
- You just grow a beard.
- Don't listen to her, Blanche.
- You grow a beard.
I woke up one morning,
I looked like Arafat.
Oh, my God!
- I never grew a beard.
- You never grew brains either.
Well, I'll tell you,
menopause was wonderful for me.
- It meant no more PMS.
- I never had PMS.
Neither did I. But I had a BMW.
All right, I have had it.
Thanks to all this constant bickering,
I have a headache.
Oh, girls, let's face facts.
The three of us just
can't agree on anything.
It is obvious
we were not meant to live together.
I hate to agree with you,
but I think you're right.
I think so, too. In fact, I know so.
This is exactly what happened
during the Great Herring War.
The Great Herring War?
Between the Lindstroms
and the Johanssons.
Oh, that Great Herring War.
The families controlled
the most fertile herring waters
off the coast of Norway.
Naturally it seemed like it would be in
their best interests to band together.
Oh, boy, was that a mistake.
They couldn't agree
on what to do with the herring.
Well, that's understandable.
I mean, the possibilities
are overwhelming.
Exactly. The Johanssons
wanted to pickle the herring,
and the Lindstroms wanted
to train them for the circus.
Weren't they kind of hard to see
riding on the elephants?
Oh, not that kind of circus.
A herring circus.
Sort of like Sea World, only smaller.
Much, much smaller.
But bigger than a flea circus.
Uh, tell me, Rose. Uh
[laughs]
Did they ever shoot a herring
out of a cannon?
Only once.
But they shot him into a tree.
After that,
no other herring would do it.
You're making this up.
I am not.
My grandfather told me that story.
Of course he also used
to call me by my sister's name.
And sometimes he'd wear his underwear
on the outside of his pants.
I guess he wasn't
a very reliable source.
Ohh!
[Laughing]
Oh, girls, girls, do you
realize what just happened?
I've been having a good time,
and there wasn't even a man in the room.
Was it a fluke,
or could we learn to like each other?
Well, I think it might take time, but
but I think it could be worth it.
- Let's give it a shot.
- Great!
- I'm game.
- Okay.
[Laughing]
Wait a minute. What's that?
I'm sorry. I know it's awful,
but I have this incredible sweet tooth.
- What?
- Cheesecake.
- What kind?
- Chocolate.
I think this could be the beginning
of a beautiful friendship.
We're halfway through the cheesecake,
and we haven't solved our problem.
Maybe we can't solve it.
Maybe Ma's doing
the right thing by leaving.
Your brother is such a yutz.
I just got off the phone with him.
He had the nerve to ask me
what I'm making for dinner tomorrow.
- What'd you tell him?
- He should have dinner waiting for me,
not that I'm such a big fan
of squirrel gumbo.
How do you expect to live
in the same house?
You haven't gotten there yet,
and you're fighting.
What, this is
Little House on the Prairie?
You're at each other's
throats all the time.
There are more fights here
than at Caesar's Palace.
Dorothy.
- Where's my heating pad?
- How should I know?
If this isn't it, I'd like to know
what electrical appliance
you're using under that blanket.
Here we are, Sophia.
The perfect after-dinner treat.
A nice dish of Jell-O.
I hate Jell-O.
If God wanted peaches
suspended in midair,
he would've filled 'em with helium.
- What?
- Beat it, Rose. I'm busy.
- What are you doing?
- It's Tuesday. I'm cleaning my purse.
Did all that stuff
come out of your purse?
No. I was also cleaning out my ears.
That's where the Feen-A-Mint
and the rain bonnet came from.
Why are you in such a bad mood?
Forgive me, but I haven't
had sex in 15 years,
and it's starting to get on my nerves.
Hi, Rose. Did you get a chance to play
around with those lyrics I gave you?
- Yeah. Listen to this.
- [(music) upbeat]
Hey, that sounds great.
Let's take it from the top.
From the top.
Ooh, that sounds so musical.
- Tickle the ivories, Rose.
- Kootchy kootchy kootchy koo!
Rose, play or die!
(music) Miami is nice
(music) So I'll say it twice
(music) Miami is nice
(music) Miami is nice
(music) Miami is Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
You put in an extra "Miami is nice."
It hurts the music
if you don't put it in.
Yeah, but the lyrics
don't make any sense.
It goes: (music) Miami is nice
(music) So I'll say it twice
Oh! I see your point.
What about this?
"Miami is nice, so I'll say it thrice."
Right. Who in the hell says "thrice"?
- It's a word.
- So is "intrauterine."
It does not belong in a song.
(music) [plays]
(music) Miami, you're cuter than
(music) An intrauterine (music)
Do we have any orange juice left?
No. We're all out.
Sophia, to hear you tell it,
you'd think all we do is fight.
I didn't say all we do is fight.
We also talk about sex.
We already talked about sex.
I'm shocked.
Ma, you're gonna miss us.
The four of us had a lot
of good times together.
And plenty of headaches, too.
But one thing you have
to admit, Sophia,
it's certainly never dull around here.
- [Door opens]
- Okay.
- [Crash]
- [Screams]
[Gasps]
You shot my vase!
I heard footsteps and a man's voice,
and the alarm went off.
It was Lester.
He accidentally set off the alarm.
- I'm sorry.
- You shot my vase.
- I didn't shoot Lester.
- I'd rather you shot Lester.
I think I'll pass
on the nightcap, Blanche.
Go on home, you old fool.
- What happened?
- She shot my vase.
Thank God. I hated that thing.
What are you doing shooting?
Are you crazy?
I heard a noise.
I thought it was the robbers.
I manage to live 80, 81 years.
I survived pneumonia,
two operations, a stroke.
One night I'll belch, and Stable Mabel
here will blow my head off!
There's a man in your bed.
- Oh, Sophia, there's not.
- Why, you devil, you.
So that was what we heard. Rose!
Rose got lucky.
Not so lucky. The man is dead.
- What?
- Dead.
Oh, Sophia!
He's not dead. I was just in there.
I went to put back your laundry.
I see there's a man,
so I introduce myself,
but he doesn't answer.
- He's dead.
- He He's shy. He's very shy.
Didn't sound so shy last night.
Okay, fine. Let a dead guy lie there.
It's gonna be 98 degrees today.
It won't be pretty.
I'm sure he's not dead.
Rose, go look.
Dorothy, he's sleeping.
I don't wanna wake him.
You could light firecrackers
in his nostrils. You won't wake him.
Blanche Devereaux?
Just a moment.
Oh, my God.
My rear tires
have less pressure in them.
I'm ready.
The moon is hanging awful low
in the sky tonight, isn't it, Busty?
Josie.
It sure is, Biff.
- It makes me wanna kiss you, Josie.
- Mind your manners, Biff.
We're at the Fourth of July picnic.
The whole town is here.
- The hell with this town. Come with me.
- But you're a drifter, Biff.
I can't just pull up stakes
and run off with you.
Please reconsider, Josie.
You're the prettiest girl in the county.
I need to have your answer now.
What's it gonna be?
- I want you to take me, Biff.
- [Pop, air hissing]
Oh! Oh!
See, Sophia?
We have great times together.
And it just won't be the same
without you, Sophia.
Hey, this isn't easy for me either,
but I have to do what I have to do.
What is it I have to do?
- You're leaving.
- Then I better pack.
You know what I'm gonna
miss about Sophia most?
It's all that good advice she gives us.
Living all those years,
she has a lot to draw on.
If she doesn't have anything to draw on,
she just makes it up.
Sicily, 1912.
Picture this:
Two young girls, best friends,
who shared three things:
A pizza recipe, some dough and a dream.
Everything is going great
until one day a fast-talking pepperoni
salesman gallops into town.
Of course both girls are impressed.
He dates one one night,
the other the next night.
Pretty soon he drives
a wedge between them.
Before you know it, the pizza suffers,
the business suffers,
the friendship suffers.
The girls part company
and head for America,
never to see one another again.
Rose, one of those girls was me.
The other one you probably
know as Mama Celeste.
Why didn't you use your key?
I left it home. I thought
it would weigh me down.
- Sophia, how did you do?
- Great. Easily a personal best.
- Tell us what happened.
- It was electric.
The starter fired his pistol,
and like a shot,
I left half my competition in the dust.
You were that fast?
No. It was the over-80 category.
Most of them dropped from fright.
You're kidding.
Please! There's a natural build
to these kind of stories.
- I'm sorry.
- So, finally, the race was underway.
I start off slow.
I'm cagey like a panther.
But when the time is right, I pounce!
The crowd is on its feet.
"Sofia! Sofia!"
My heart is pounding in my ears.
But then again,
it always pounds in my ears.
I could see the finish line.
It was only 2, 300 yards away.
And then it happened.
What every runner dreads.
- I hit the wall.
- Aw. Ma, you ran out of steam.
No, I actually hit a wall.
In Sicily, we never went to the doctor.
We went to the Widow Caravelli.
Whatever you had, she had a cure.
She was best known for this green salve
she used to make
to treat ear infections.
One day, she gave a batch to Salvadore,
the village idiot.
He misunderstood the directions
and put it on his linguini
instead of in his ear.
If you're an idiot with a hearing
problem, you do things like that.
It wasn't such a bad thing to do.
The stuff tasted great,
and Salvadore decided to market it.
At first, it didn't move so well.
"Linguini with ear salve" on the menu
doesn't look too appetizing.
But once he changed the name to
"pesto sauce," it moved like hotcakes.
Ma, you're making this up.
So what? I'm old.
I'm supposed to be colorful.
I'm gonna miss her.
Me, too.
Me, too.
I'm not gonna stand for it.
I am gonna march in there
and tell her we need her
as much as Phil does.
Blanche, forget it. Her mind is made up.
If she's said it once,
she's said it 100 times.
I'm staying. Good night.
Come back.
What do you mean, you're staying?
What's the problem?
You already rented my room?
- What changed your mind?
- I just got off the phone with Phil.
Actually, I got off the phone
with Phil's wife.
She's back, poor thing.
- "Poor thing"?
- She's in a state of shock.
She found out
she couldn't do any better than Phil.
Not a storybook romance,
but an ending's an ending,
and there you have it.
Oh, we're so glad you
decided to stay, honey.
When you were leaving,
we started talking about
the times we've shared.
It brought back a lot of great memories.
Ma, it wouldn't be the same without you.
- No!
- Hey, don't over-dramatize.
Things aren't so terrific around here.
The hell they're not.
Things are terrific here!