The Golden Girls (1985) s03e23 Episode Script

(music) Thank you for being a friend (music) Traveled down the road and back again (music) Your heart is true (music) You're a pal and a confidante (music) And if you threw a party (music) Invited everyone you knew (music) You would see The biggest gift would be from me (music) And the card attached would say (music) Thank you for being a friend (music) - [Panting.]
- Blanche, what are you doing? I'm panting, Dorothy.
Is the UPS man wearing his tight overalls again? Stop the watch.
What is going on? Why are you guys on this sudden exercise kick? The Harlan twins asked Rose and me to spend next weekend with them.
Cruising in the Bahamas.
Oh.
So you're trying to lose weight.
More than lose weight.
We're giving ourselves a total makeover.
I'm in charge of fitness.
Blanche, beauty.
Who's in charge of distracting the twins while the two of you have your swimsuits on? [Horn honking.]
There's my ride.
I'm off to Epcot.
Wait.
Ma, where's your overnight bag? Bag? We get on the bus, play cards till we get there, sleep in a motel, we come back.
You go to Epcot and never look at the exhibits? Please.
I'm 82 years old.
I'm interested in technology in the year 2000? Hasta luego.
As long as we're resting, we might as well take measurements.
Do me first.
One thing I know for sure, I have not lost my hourglass figure.
But it looks like somebody poured about 90 minutes of extra sand in the glass.
You're just jealous, Dorothy.
You know it, I know it, Rose knows it.
It's neat the way the tape's a different color at this end.
I haven't had this much off the spool since I measured the couch for slipcovers.
[Doorbell rings.]
Ma must have forgotten something.
Hi, Ma.
Surprise.
Michael! What are you doing here? - Hello, Michael.
- Hi, Michael.
I was with the band up in Ft.
Lauderdale.
I thought I'd swing by.
It's a shame you missed Sophia.
She just left.
She'll be back tomorrow.
Sit down.
Tell me, what is new? Well, to be honest, Mom, a lot.
I'm getting married.
Michael, that's wonderful.
Of course.
Of course, Michael.
It's wonderful.
It's just kind of sudden.
I know it seems sudden.
Lorraine is her name.
She sings with the band.
We've only been going out four months, but I've never been so sure of anything in my life.
Mom, she's the one.
I'm really happy for you.
So, Michael, when do we get to meet Lorraine? Tomorrow.
If that's okay.
I already invited her.
She's with her family in Miami Beach.
We thought we'd get the two families together Sunday.
Terrific idea.
I can't wait to meet her.
There is something about her you should know.
Lorraine is kind of black.
Kind of black.
What does that mean, kind of black? That's, uh That's like being kind of Spanish.
You know, either you are or you aren't.
- She is.
- Oh, God.
Emilio Estevez is kind of Spanish, Dorothy.
Thank you, Rose.
Mom, you're not upset about this, are you? No.
I'm not upset.
It's just that Come on.
It's an awful lot to digest at once.
First you surprise me, and then the engagement.
And then Lorraine.
I really love her, Mom.
Then Then that's all that matters.
I mean it.
I'm very happy for you.
Now, come on.
Let's take your things inside.
You know, Dorothy, I just thought of something.
Lorraine's family's gonna be black, too, aren't they? Yes, Rose.
You could probably make them feel welcome if you do your version of that dance the Huxtables do at the beginning of The Cosby Show.
How much longer do I have to have this hot towel on? Just be patient, Rose.
When you remove this towel, you are gonna see what a dramatic difference Blanche's miracle beauty treatment has made already.
Honey, you will be transformed into a totally new woman.
- You ready? - Uh-huh.
All right.
One, two, three! Oh, my God.
I look horrible.
Oh, Dorothy, it's you.
I'm sorry, Rose.
I'm sorry.
I forgot it was a full moon.
Are Michael and Lorraine here yet? No, but they should be any minute.
- You seem a little nervous.
- Oh, I am.
Are you nervous 'cause you haven't met Michael's fiancée? No, Rose.
I'm nervous because if Sonny Bono gets elected mayor of Palm Springs, he's gonna make all the postmen wear leather bell-bottoms and a fur vest.
If you're nervous about meeting Lorraine, just think how nervous she must be.
I know.
I'll never forget when I first met Stan's mother.
Can I ask a dumb question? Better than anyone I know.
What color is black people's dandruff? Rose, black people don't have dandruff.
God figures they've been through enough already.
[Doorbell rings.]
Hello.
You must be Michael's mother.
And you must be Lorraine's mother.
We weren't expecting you until tomorrow.
What do you think, Ma? Is she beautiful? [Rose.]
Ooh, wow.
He's really getting along great with his future mother-in-law.
Rose, that's Lorraine, you idiot.
Lorraine, I'm terribly sorry.
That's all right.
A lot of people are confused by the age difference.
You see, I am 44 years old.
Wow.
This is great.
I was afraid we wouldn't have anything in common.
We're almost the same age.
Rose, you make her sound like an old woman.
Actually, she's much closer to my age.
Lorraine, these are my roommates.
That's Blanche Devereaux, Rose Nylund.
- Michael tells us you're a singer.
- That's right.
- I bet you know all the great oldies.
- Rose.
Why don't I show you where to put your things.
- Thank you.
Thank you, Blanche.
- Okay.
Mm-hmm.
- Rose, will you excuse us? - Sure.
Where you going? Nowhere.
Get out.
Mom, is something wrong? No.
Absolutely nothing.
Except I can't imagine why you never mentioned how much older Lorraine is.
- It slipped my mind.
- Slipped your mind? Michael, she's twice your age.
You're making a big deal out of this.
What about what you said last night? Only one thing matters: If two people love each other.
- This is different.
- What makes it different? You're my son.
I don't want to see you make a big mistake.
You're saying you think this is a big mistake? I'm not sure what I'm saying.
For someone who's not sure what she's saying, you're saying a lot.
I'm beginning to think the big mistake was coming here.
[Door slams.]
Dorothy, I thought you went to bed.
Can't sleep.
I just lie awake thinking about Michael and Lorraine.
Dorothy, just a word of caution.
I almost lost my Becky when I stuck my nose into her business.
- It is not worth it.
- Blanche is right.
The same thing happened to the Vikbotters back in St.
Olaf.
You see, Gretchen had this thing for Buddy, but Mr.
Vikbotter didn't approve.
He did his best to keep them apart.
But one day he came home early and he found Gretchen and Buddy in How will I say it? A most indelicate situation.
- What did he do? - He yelled at them to stop, but they wouldn't, so he turned the hose on them.
He turned the hose on them? They were in the front yard.
- Oh! - [Dorothy.]
Wait.
Wait a minute, Rose.
Buddy and Gretchen weren't people, were they? Of course not.
They were dogs.
Gretchen was a Dalmatian, and Buddy was a schnauzer.
And Mr.
Vikbotter wasn't too happy when he ended up with a litter of schnalmations.
You know, Rose, sometimes I wish somebody had turned the hose on your parents.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I interrupting? Not at all.
Rose and I were just about to see if we can fit into our bathing suits yet.
Blanche says we might have better luck if we sprayed our fannies with Pam.
I'd forgotten how cool it gets here this time of year.
No, you picked the right time to visit.
Another month it would be very humid.
You don't know humid until you've been in St.
Louis in mid-August.
I hear it gets very, very humid there.
Especially in mid-August.
It's incredibly humid.
It's hot, sticky.
Why are you marrying my son? I'm glad one of us finally brought that up.
Dorothy, I don't blame you for having your doubts.
I have more than doubts.
I look at the two of you, I see so many differences.
He is 23.
You are 44.
He's white.
You're black.
- He is 23.
You are 44.
- You said that already.
I'm sorry.
I just can't seem to get past that one.
Look, Dorothy, let me tell you something about myself.
When I was 18, I was married to the boy next door.
All my family and friends, they thought we were the perfect couple.
Well, we stayed married for 20 years, but I don't think we were ever in love.
It just seemed as though we should be.
And I learned something from that.
It doesn't matter what anybody thinks.
It's how you feel about each other.
Am I making any sense? You're making a lot of sense.
I was married to a boy next door once myself.
We have your blessing? I'd like to say yes, but I can't.
Everything you've said is logical.
But I'm a mother, and a mother doesn't have to be logical.
I'm awfully sorry.
I just don't approve.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
I can't believe you feel this way.
Lorraine's mother is not concerned about our age difference.
She's entitled to her opinion.
You are being very small-minded.
A wise philosopher once said, "There are no small minds, just big heads.
" - What does that mean? - I'm not sure.
Come to think of it, it wasn't a philosopher.
It was Rose.
You are impossible.
[Doorbell rings.]
Hello.
We're a little early.
I'm Greta Wagner, and these are my sisters, Trudy and Libby.
I'm so sorry.
The house is such a mess.
Why, it's neater than our maid ever gets ours.
I'd hire you anytime.
- Mama.
- Baby.
- How are you? - I'm fine.
How y'all doing? Hi, baby.
- Have you met Dorothy? - Actually, they haven't.
And you must be Michael's parents.
Mama, put your glasses on.
Oh, my Lord.
This is mud on our faces.
We're not really black.
Mama, Aunt Trudy, Aunt Libby, this is Blanche Devereaux.
- Hello.
- This is Rose Nylund.
And this is Michael's mother, Dorothy.
And this is Michael.
- This is Michael? - Yes.
Uh-huh.
Mama, we talked about this.
I told you he was younger.
Yes, but you sure didn't tell me he was white.
No daughter of mine is marrying some skinny white boy.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Who are you calling a skinny white boy? I think she meant Michael.
You got that right.
- Oh, it was easy.
- Oh, shut up, Rose.
Mrs.
Wagner, I'm not thrilled about my son marrying your daughter either.
Oh, yeah? Why? You got something against black people? Of course not, and I resent the insinuation.
We firmly believe that all men are created equal.
That's a bunch of baloney.
Rose.
If you don't believe me, just turn on your television and watch a white person dance down the line on Soul Train.
Race is not even an issue.
Your daughter is twice my son's age.
What can a women in her 40s possibly have in common with a boy in his 20s? Sex.
At 20, a man is at his peak, and a woman in her 40s is also at her peak.
When the two come together, hot damn! Lorraine, if you want a young man, fine.
Just make it a young black man.
Why, I could name ten fine, rich, young black men off the top of my head.
Wait just a minute till I get a pencil.
Mama, I love Michael.
I don't care about his color.
Honey, it's just a phase.
Ever since Diana Ross started marrying white men, everyone's got to have one.
What is this, a revival of Raisin in the Sun? Grandma, this is my fiancée, Lorraine, and this is her mother and two aunts.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- This is your fiancée? - Yeah, that's right.
You couldn't find someone your own age? - What is that supposed to mean? - No offense.
But your daughter looks like she's been around the block more times than the Good Humor Man.
Hold my purse.
Those are fighting words.
Stop it, all of you.
What difference does it make that Lorraine's a little long in the tooth and Michael's a skinny white boy? Can't you see they love each other? We should be celebrating, not arguing whether or not it's right.
Now, what do you say we all join hands and sing a chorus of "Abraham, Martin, and John.
" Is she for real? Yep.
Frightening, isn't it? Lorraine and I are getting married, and that's final.
Lorraine, you marry him, and you'll regret it for the rest of your life.
Come on, girls.
Michael, you're making a very big mistake.
It's my life, Mom.
We can't let them go through with it.
They're adults.
Adults can do whatever they want to.
Not necessarily.
Adults aren't allowed to ride the little horsey in front of the A&P.
Dorothy, what are you still doing up? Oh, I couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd watch a little TV to unwind, take my mind off my troubles.
- What are you watching? - Judgment at Nuremberg.
[Click.]
Rose, do you think I did the right thing? Well, sure, if you don't care how the movie ends.
I meant about Michael and Lorraine.
- Oh.
- What's going on? Oh, Dorothy's upset about Michael and Lorraine.
Really? How would you feel if your son were marrying an older woman? When my son was five years old, he nearly burned down our whole town.
Since then, nothing he does upsets me.
Hell, he could marry Lillian Gish, and I wouldn't care.
[Doorbell rings.]
I hope we didn't wake you.
My sisters and I couldn't sleep.
We felt terrible about the things we said to you.
We didn't agree on much of anything, did we? Look, neither one of us wants this marriage to happen.
So instead of fighting, why don't we try to figure a way out of this mess.
- You like cheesecake? - Can Ella shatter glass? [All laughing.]
This cheesecake is delicious.
It's not bad for store-bought.
I'd love another cup of coffee.
- I will put on another pot.
- Good.
What's all the racket? Oh, Martha and the Vandellas are back.
- Ma! - It's all right, Dorothy.
- I've got one at home just like her.
- You have one, too? One at home? What am I, a cocker spaniel? Why don't you just give me an old sock to chew on? I'm glad you showed up.
There's something important we didn't discuss this afternoon, and I'd like to get that cleared up.
What is it? Is it true what they say about black men in bed? Oh, yes, definitely.
Oh, yes, definitely that is something I would like to know about, too.
Blanche, please, that's a stereotype.
Call it whatever you want.
I'm just grateful it's true.
Oh, isn't it great the way we're all getting along? And Michael and Lorraine didn't have to elope after all.
- [Giggling.]
- What did you say, Rose? Elope? Oh, no.
I promised I wouldn't tell.
Rose.
I ran into them when they were leaving.
They were heading for the wedding chapel on Pompano Drive.
- I know exactly where it is.
- I'm right behind you.
Come on.
Come on.
Excuse me.
Did a white man and an old black woman come in here? She meant a regal black woman and a scuzzy little white boy.
Mom, what are you all doing here? - Stopping you.
- [Lorraine.]
What? - I forbid you to get married.
- Same goes for me.
Lorraine, he's not good enough for you.
You can do better.
When's the last time you took a good look at the merchandise you're trying to move? We both love you very much, but we also love each other.
Now, we're getting married.
If you can't deal with that, you don't have to see us.
But that means you also won't get to see your grandchild.
Say what? I'm pregnant.
[Clears throat.]
Greta, can I talk to you for a minute? I was gonna ask you the same thing.
They're going to get married whether we like it or not.
- Do you like it? - No.
They're also going to have a baby whether we like it or not.
- Do you wanna see it? - Yes.
Me, too.
So what are we gonna do? Oh.
What mothers have done since the beginning of time.
Pretend that we're happy, and then complain to anybody who'll listen.
- Michael, congratulations.
- Congratulations, Lorraine.
Is the Zbornak-Wagner party ready? - Yeah.
- I think we are.
Wait a minute.
Lorraine has to have something old and something new and something borrowed and something blue.
- Oh! - This is blue.
- Thanks, Mama.
- These earrings are old.
- They were my grandmother's.
- Thank you.
Here.
I borrowed these knee-high surgical stockings on the bus.
Ma! - Here, Lorraine.
- Oh, thank you.
That's everything but the new.
Oh, Michael gave me that.
Let's go.
Oh! I can't believe it.
A grandchild.
- Little Roger.
- Roger? What do you want him to be, a choreographer? It's Lamar.
Lamar Zbornak.
Why don't we just pin a "kick me" sign on the kid? It's Roger.
Lamar.
- Roger.
- Lamar.
- Roger.
- Lamar.
Fabulous.
I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving already.