The Golden Girls (1985) s04e06 Episode Script

Girls! Girls, it's here.
I am so excited.
It's my letter from the Elvis Presley fan club.
Oh, my hands are shaking.
Dorothy, you read it.
"Dear Rose Nylund.
Your application to start an unauthorized chapter "of the Elvis Presley Hunk-a Hunk-a Burnin' Love Fan Club in your neighborhood and/or trailer park has been accepted.
" This is the happiest, most fulfilling day of my life! Which makes you the most pathetic human being on this planet.
(phone rings) Well, I love Elvis.
Blanche, I'd be honored if you'd be the first member of the Hunk-a Hunk-a Burnin' Love Fan Club.
I graciously accept, and promise to do a good job as president.
Why should you be president? Well, because I saw Elvis in Harum Scarum over 50 times.
- So did I.
- I have every album he ever recorded.
So have I.
And every single.
I slept with him in a Motel 6 outside Chattanooga.
Congratulations, Madam President.
Blanche, why did you say that? You didn't really sleep with Elvis Presley.
Back where I come from, there were a lot of hillbilly boys with muttonchop sideburns named Elvis.
The light was bad in the bayou.
It could have happened.
Blanche, you never slept with Elvis Presley.
Oh, all right, all right.
But I once did make love to an unattractive boy named Ernest, and in the middle of it I cried out Elvis' name.
Technically, I think that counts.
Ma, what's the matter? Esther Weinstock is dead.
We grew up together.
She was my best friend.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
What happened? She was fighting an oil rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico.
She was 88! Well, it's great that she was able to work right up to the end.
- When is the funeral? - Wednesday.
- I'll go back to Brooklyn with you.
- I'm not going, and you know why.
I guess the body was lost at sea.
Ma doesn't want to go to the funeral because Esther's husband Max Weinstock will be there.
I will not stand under the same roof with that miserable bocciagalupe.
and you know why.
See, years ago, Max and my father were business partners.
They ran a pizza-knish stand at Coney Island.
One day, Pop came home and said that Max had gambled away the profits.
Well, they went broke.
Ma never forgave him.
Max and my Salvadore were business partners - They already know, Ma.
- Oh, that's what I figured.
I got my heel caught in the carpet.
Sophia, she was your best friend.
Are you sure you don't want to go to her funeral? Of course I want to go.
But I swore a Sicilian oath I would never cast my eyes on Max Weinstock again.
And nothing you say will make me change my mind.
- I'll buy the tickets.
- Book business class.
If I have to sit through the Three Amigos.
I'll need champagne.
All right, Dorothy.
Let's get out of here.
Ma, we have to pay our respects to the family.
And listen, if you see Max, I don't want you making another scene like at the funeral.
Scene? What scene? It's not my fault the klutz tripped over my foot and nearly fell into an open grave.
You didn't have to yell, "Start shoveling, boys" as he tried to get up.
Sophia? Dorothy, do you hear a dog howling? Behave yourself.
Hello, Mr.
Weinstock.
Oh, my goodness, as I live and breathe! Unfortunately.
- Little Dorothy Petrillo.
- That's right.
You haven't changed a bit.
Same gorgeous smile.
Pretty eyes, beautiful figure, long golden blonde hair.
You have cataracts, don't you, Mr.
Weinstock? Since 1967.
Let's go.
Sophia.
Esther would have appreciated you being here.
I loved that woman.
She was the best.
That's why she deserved a better husband.
Instead of a miserable, no-good, lowlife sleazeball.
Sophia, if you knew now what I knew then Ah, so what.
If you've got something to say, spit it out.
Don't push me, or I will.
There.
I pushed.
Too bad you weren't on the stairs.
Ma, Ma, you're creating a scene.
Look, that was a long time ago.
Forget about it.
I can't forget.
This man stole money from us.
- Because of him, our family went hungry.
- Ma, we never went hungry.
Some nights I felt like dessert.
Sophia, I kept this secret for 40 years because I didn't want to break your heart.
But now that I know it's made of stone, you might as well know the truth.
Brooklyn, 1949.
We were sitting at this table, playing a spirited game of Gin! Four in a row.
Tonight's your lucky night.
I hope that'll continue once we get home.
He buys a new T-shirt, trims the hair out of his ears, suddenly he's Charles Boyer.
- So how was business today? - Terrific.
We didn't have a pizza or a knish left on the shelf.
- I'd love a cup of coffee.
- I'll get everybody some.
Here, let me help.
- Max, there's something I have to tell you.
- What's wrong? The week's receipts.
I lost them on a horse.
You what? I got a tip.
It was supposed to be a sure thing.
I don't believe it! That means we're out of business.
We're through.
So's my marriage.
When Sophia finds out, she'll put me out on the street.
Max, I'm sorry.
Coffee'll be ready in a minute.
Sophia, I have something to tell you.
Wait, wait.
Let me tell her.
Sophia, we're out of business.
I gambled the money away.
- That's not true.
- I wish it wasn't.
That's what happened.
I'm sorry, Sophia.
- I don't believe it! This is insane.
- Calm down.
Calm down? Calm down? Did you hear what he just said? Salvadore wanted to tell you, but I wouldn't let him.
I cared for you both too much to let your marriage break up.
And Sal felt so guilty, he never gambled again.
It was worth it.
That was a very lovely thing you did, Mr.
Weinstock.
Wasn't it, Ma? Wasn't it, Ma? Ah, forget it.
It's ancient history.
Ma, say something to him.
I can't.
Sicilians have a hard time with apologies.
They also have a hard time passing wet cement without putting someone in it.
They manage.
Go on.
Max, there's something I gotta say to you.
What? The knishes.
They're pretty good.
Apology accepted.
Well, that concludes the first meeting of the Hunk-a Hunk-a Burnin' Love Fan Club.
But before we adjourn, our secretary has a real special surprise.
A genuine Elvis artifact! (oohs and aahs) It's a partially-eaten pork chop.
- Let me see.
- He had beautiful teeth, didn't he? It's wonderful! This has to be a fake.
Elvis would never have left this much meat on a pork chop.
Dorothy, you're out of the club.
Meeting is adjourned.
Thank you, ladies.
See you next week.
Thank you for coming.
I hope you're not too upset over this, Dorothy.
I've just been thrown out of an unauthorized Elvis fan club.
I'll try to pick up the pieces and go on with my life.
I mean, there must be a support group for people like me.
We're sorry, Dorothy, but the bylaws clearly state that any derogatory remarks about the King are grounds for immediate expulsion.
Maybe you ought to join an organization that is a little less fanatical in its devotion.
Like what, Blanche? The PLO? Do you know what I hate doing most after a party? Trying to find your underwear in the big pile? Cleaning up the dirty dishes.
You twit.
Listen, why don't we just leave this mess and go out and get something to eat? I'll ask Ma if she'd like to come.
It'll do her good to get out of the house.
Oh, she's been so depressed since that funeral.
I mean, she lost one of her oldest friends, and even though she made up with Max, she'll probably never see him again.
Well, you go and get her, we will try to cheer her up.
We don't want that poor thing getting sick.
No.
- (Dorothy) Ma! Oh, my God! - Dorothy, what is it? What, honey? Oh! Good Lord.
Ma, what is going on here? Afterglow.
Nice to see you again, Dorothy.
You too, Mr.
Weinstock.
When did you get in? Oh, you mean in town? Yesterday.
You should have called, I could have made you dinner.
- Before you slept with my mother! - Dorothy! Ma, this is the most upsetting thing you have ever done.
I am shocked.
I am disappointed.
I am speechless.
- We're getting married.
- I am very lightheaded.
Dorothy? Dorothy? - Oh, good, I think she's waking up.
- Oh, honey, come on, sweetie.
Are you all right? Oh, I'm fine, Rose.
Oh, that was strange.
I I've never fainted before.
Me neither.
What does it feel like after you faint? Like this, Rose.
Ma, I think it's time you explained all this nonsense about getting married.
- It's not nonsense.
- And we're gonna do it right away.
Look, Dorothy, I know that you'll probably find it hard to understand.
But when I saw your mother again after all these years, something happened.
We talked, we laughed, we held hands, we fell in love.
Actually, we got a hot dog before we fell in love.
But the point is, we're crazy about each other.
And if this turns out to be a mistake, what the hell, we'll probably be dead before we find out.
Kiss me, you poet.
- Oh, they are so cute together! - Oh, I know.
Isn't it romantic? No, it isn't, it's ridiculous.
Ma, this is the biggest mistake you have ever made in your life.
Fine.
Don't come to the wedding.
Who wants you? But just remember one thing.
If you want to send us a gift, we're registered at Jordan Marsh.
- What are you doing? - Sending invitations for the wedding.
Oh, well, forget about that, Rose.
Do you know what we need? An Elvis impersonator.
Sounds great.
I thought we'd get a new dishwasher first, but this could probably come in just as handy.
I mean for our next club meeting, Rose.
Membership has been waning.
Maybe this will generate a little interest.
- Oh, Blanche, that's a terrific idea.
- What's a terrific idea? Hiring an Elvis impersonator for our next club meeting.
If you were picking an Elvis impersonator, how would you pick a good one? I'd thump on his belly and see if he's ripe.
How the hell should I know? Why the hell should I care? You threw me out of your crummy club.
I'll start working on it as soon as I finish with the invitations for you-know-who's wedding.
Look, Rose, I would rather not talk about Ma's wedding.
Dorothy, don't you think it's time you gave her your blessing? We've hired a caterer, we've ordered flowers.
The invitations are being sent.
Blanche, how can I give her my blessing? She has hated that man for 40 years.
Now suddenly, after a three-day weekend, she decides to get married.
I cannot believe that someone can fall in love that quickly.
My Charlie asked me to marry him ten minutes after we met.
Course, we were only seven at the time.
My mother was so cute when I told her.
She said, "Rose, honey, you're just a little girl.
"You have your entire life before you, and the whole world to see.
"Now, you wait until you grow up and get sophisticated, and marry at 15 like your sisters.
" But you didn't.
No, I was always kind of the gypsy of the family.
The rebel.
I wanted to see the world.
So after high school, I went to St.
Gustave University to study Latin.
I didn't know you studied Latin.
First in my class, Orothyday.
Well, what do you think? - Sophia, that looks beautiful.
- It's absolutely gorgeous.
Don't you have to be a virgin to wear a white wedding dress? Please! The last time I was a virgin, the Louisiana Purchase was still in escrow.
- It doesn't matter.
No one's gonna see it.
- What do you mean? According to Sicilian custom, I can't marry unless I have you-know-who's blessing.
- Who? - Dick Clark! Dorothy, you idiot.
Dorothy, your mother's talking to you.
Dorothy, I spoke to your Aunt Regina in Sicily to tell her about the wedding.
She told me I'm in for some very bad luck unless I have the blessing of my eldest daughter, or my child with the most facial hair.
Either way, all arrows point to you.
Ma, you know how I feel.
I cannot give you my blessing.
Dorothy, I love you, but if you ruin my happiness, I will put a Sicilian curse on you that will be like hell on earth.
Ma, you can't put a Sicilian curse on your eldest daughter if the mother is marrying a man under five foot, seven! You're not the only one with Aunt Regina's phone number.
Damn MCI.
(Blanche) Sophia? Sophia? (Rose) Sophia? Where'd she go? The wedding's about to start.
(toilet flushes) - Is that you, Sophia? - (Sophia) No, it's Merlin Olsen.
I'm watering my forget-me-not bouquet.
- Honey, we've come to help you get ready.
- The wedding is off.
What's going on? Where's Sophia? She's locked herself in the bathroom.
She has pre-wedding jitters.
Sophia? It's me, Max.
Now, what's all this nonsense about not wanting to get married? Oh, Max, I love you with all my heart.
The time we spent together has been some of the happiest of my life.
But my Dorothy might be right.
Maybe it's not possible to fall in love so quickly.
Maybe it's not possible at all at our age.
But it sure felt like it the other night, when we were walking along the beach, and you took me in your arms and said, "Sophia, look up at that beautiful moon.
I wish I could throw a lasso around it and give it to you.
That's how much I love you.
" - And then I said, "Darling" - Ma, stop.
Stop.
- Ma, listen, I have to talk to you.
- Who's in charge here? - What's the problem? - I'm the caterer.
It's two o'clock.
The guests are waiting.
Why isn't the show on the road? - Ma, I know you're in there.
- The wedding is off.
- She doesn't approve.
- She doesn't approve? Now, look here, Stretch.
I have a hundred cheese puffs and a sensitive assistant both on the verge of collapse.
Whatever the problem is, overlook it.
My mother did with my marriage.
And if you say something smart, I'll slap you silly.
Listen, this is a private moment, so butt out, Rambo.
Ma, I have a confession to make.
I came here to beg you for the last time not to get married.
I didn't want you and Max together because it looked like cheating on Pop.
I know it doesn't make any sense, but I still think of the two of you as being married.
I didn't want Max taking Pop's place.
But now that I see the two of you so much in love, I realize I was just being selfish, Ma.
Ma, I want you to be happy.
And I know Pop would too.
I love you, pussycat.
This is more moving than Susan Hayward's climactic speech in I Want To Livel You're ready to fly right out of here, aren't you? Well, excuse me for living, Anita Bryant.
Could we please get married already, so I can get in on the hugging? - Places! - Oh, Sophia.
Honey, I want to wish you all the happiness in the world.
Oh, thank you, Blanche.
And Sophia, I want to offer you a traditional Scandinavian wedding blessing.
Keflectoflafen flafenflurfen.
potetaflingin faflafen.
I'm really touched.
I'm also soaking wet.
All right! One group hug, and let's hit the road.
Oh, Sophia, honey (organist plays "The Wedding March" by Wagner Uh-oh.
Either I mixed the Elvis list with the wedding list, or everyone in Max's family appeared on The Ed Sullivan Show.
Who cares already? Let's just do it! We are gathered here today to join this man and this woman in matrimony.
- I just love weddings! - Oh, me too, me too.
- You think you'll ever get married again? - Oh, I don't know.
I don't think so.
Me neither.
How about you, Blanche? Oh, absolutely.
If the right man ever came along.
Course, he'd have to have the body of Mel Gibson, the personality of Johnny Carson, and the financial resources of Donald Trump.
I have a feeling the three of us are going to be together for a long time.
And do you, Max, take Sophia to be your lawfully wedded wife? I do.
Then if no Elvis in this room has any objection to this union, I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
# I do love you # With all my heart # Blue skies of Hawaii smile # On this # Our wedding day Uh-huh! # Traveled down the road and back again # You would see (Rose) On the last episode of "The Golden Girls" Good Lord.
Ma, what is going on here? Afterglow.
Ma, this is the most upsetting thing you have ever done.
I am shocked.
I am disappointed.
I am speechless.
We're getting married.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Oh! (smoke alarm) (continues ringing) - Call 911! - Call 911! - Call 911! 911! - Call 911! - It's 911.
- I got it.
- Fire department, quick.
- Blanche All right, wait.
Hello, fire department? This is Blanche Devereaux at 5161 Richm Oh! Well, of course you know where it is.
Hi, Ed.
I'm on fire.
Why, you naughty boy! Blanche I'll bet that's why Chicago burnt down.
Mrs.
O'Leary was probably a tramp, too.
Give me that.
Look, I'm terribly sorry.
There's been a mistake.
There is no fire here.
That's right, this isn't Blanche.
So that remark about the fire hose was totally wasted.
- I set off the smoke alarm.
- How? Cigarette.
Oh, no thank you, I don't smoke.
Now, how did you set off the alarm? I smoked a cigarette, you amoeba.
I'm sorry, Rose, I'm sorry.
I'm just so upset that I started smoking again.
- Well, why did you start again? - I don't know.
I don't know.
I've just been under a lot of stress lately.
My job, Ma getting married You're growing older, you don't go out much, your chin is starting to droop.
Since I've already had the cigarette, why don't you just blindfold me and shoot me? (Sophia) Hello! Honeymoon's over.
We're back.
Don't let Ma know I have been smoking.
She will kill me.
Ma! Dorothy! - What was that for? - You've been smoking.
- I have not.
- Then you've been smoking.
- No, I haven't.
- Ma, it was me.
That's for lying.
Dorothy, you quit 15 years ago.
You told me you'd never smoke again.
I know, Ma, I'm sorry.
Oh You know, I quit once, I can quit again.
Hi, everybody.
It's me, Max, the blushing groom.
Well, how was the honeymoon? I tell you, that Disney World hotel was just wonderful.
It had everything.
Good service, delicious food, a beautiful room.
What did you think of the rides? They got rides? Don't worry about it.
You had a good time and you never had to stand in line.
We'd like to stay and chat, but we want to get settled in our new place.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
Come back soon.
Oh, aren't they cute? - We forgot something.
- We forgot to get a new place.
- You're kidding? - Don't worry.
We just need a roof over our heads for a couple of days while we look.
Doesn't have to be anything fancy.
- Girls? - Would you all like to stay here with us? Here? Gee, that didn't even cross my mind.
- What do you think, Max? - Well, there's no pool All right, we'll stay - but only for a couple of days.
Get the bags, pumpkin.
He likes to eat breakfast in his underwear.
I hope that's not a problem for anyone.
- I need a cigarette.
- No, Dorothy! You sit right down here.
Now, you need to exercise a little self-control.
Dorothy, listen.
You can quit smoking.
Now, just do it the way I did it, just taper off - smoke only after sex.
Good idea.
One pack'll last her a lifetime.
(Dorothy singing) Dorothy? Out in a minute, Ma.
(Max) Hiya, cupcake.
It's time to play connect the freckles.
(Dorothy) Not now, Max.
Would you hand me the Aagh! What the hell is going on here? Aagh! - Aagh! - Aagh! Quiet, quiet, quiet! This has been a big mistake.
I thought Sophia was in the shower.
Hand me my glasses.
I'm blind as a bat without 'em.
Aagh! Shut up, Max.
Blanche, hand me my robe.
Here you are.
Now, listen.
We love you two a lot, but you've been here for three weeks, and this arrangement is not working out.
I guess we forgot how hard it is to live with a man in the house.
- Why? What did I do? - Well, you snore.
You don't pick up after yourself.
You never remember to lift the toilet seat.
Please! He hardly ever remembers to lift up the toilet lid.
Fine, fine.
We'll start looking for a place today.
Come on, Max.
So what did you think of the apartment? Too many old people.
All those hearing aids interfere with the cable TV.
- You want a Life Saver? - What kind you got? - Peppermint.
- I don't like peppermint.
Got butterscotch? Does it say 7-Eleven across my forehead? - I got peppermint.
- I'll try one.
I like butterscotch better.
- What is this? Coconut? - Peppermint! Don't yell, I heard you the first time.
- It's nice to sit here at the beach.
- Yeah.
Beach is nice.
Always was.
- My Sal used to like the beach.
- Tell me about it.
That's why he wanted to open a pizza-knish stand on the boardwalk in Coney Island.
Now, there was a million-dollar idea.
A million dollars was a bargain for that idea.
That business was Sal's dream.
Too bad it didn't work out.
Yeah, bad timing.
(saxophonist starts playing jazz) Hey! Hey, hey.
Hey, you're driving away the birds with that noise.
- You know a real song? - Do you have a buck? "It Had To Be You.
" That was Sal's favorite song.
- (plays "It Had To Be You") - ? It had to be you # It had to be you # I wandered around, and finally found Speaking of found, look what I found.
Butterscotch.
Doesn't get much better than this.
Oh, it is such a beautiful day! It sure is.
What are you gonna do today, Dorothy? Sit in a dark room and smoke ten packs of cigarettes.
Dorothy, I know what you're going through.
I smoked for years.
You smoked? Rose, that's like finding out Lassie was an alcoholic.
Lassie was an alcoholic?! That explains why she always tipped to one side when she waved goodbye to Timmy.
Hi, everybody! We've got some great news.
We found a place.
It's absolutely perfect.
It's near the beach, it's reasonably priced, and it's just the right size.
- Ma, that's great.
- We can't wait to show it to you.
Well? What do you think? Ma, this is a run-down old concession stand.
- You can't live here.
- We're not living here.
We leased it.
It took every dime we had, but it's a dream come true.
- I don't understand.
- You should have that printed on a T-shirt.
We're opening the old business.
A million-dollar idea deserves a second chance.
Ma, come on.
You're both over 80.
Starting a business is hard work.
Yeah, for amateurs.
But we've already done this before.
By the way, we'll be staying with you until the business gets off the ground.
Well, what happens if the business fails? We'll have to talk about a night-light for the bathroom.
Max.
Put the paintbrush down a minute.
Taste this pizza.
I want an absolutely honest opinion.
- I'm dying.
- Yeah? - It's gorgeous.
- Yeah? Perfection! Like velvet in my mouth.
A masterpiece! A Picasso with mozzarella.
A Rembrandt with tomato sauce.
- I thought it needed more salt.
- And garlic.
It's a little flat.
Oh, wow! Look at this.
- Why, the place is really coming along.
- Boy, I'll say it is.
I have to give you two credit.
It looks like it's really gonna happen.
Why shouldn't it happen? I know the pizza business like the back of my hand.
I never noticed that before.
What do you think it would cost to remove that? Let's talk about it at home.
It's getting late.
Let's go.
- We have a few more hours of work here.
- Aw, Ma, you're overdoing it.
- We're fine.
- Besides, we want our grand opening in time for the big beach festival this weekend.
Sophia, it's getting damp and chilly out here.
You're gonna catch yourself a cold.
Please! I haven't had a cold in 40 years.
This is the worst cold I've had in 40 years.
My back is killing me.
I feel dizzy and nauseous.
Every joint in my body feels like it's on fire.
- Boy, you really caught a nasty bug.
- Please! I'm 84 years old.
I feel like this every day.
Never fear, Doctor Rose is here.
I made you both an old-fashioned St.
Olaf tonic.
Guaranteed to get you back on your feet and put hair on your chest.
That's the one nasty side effect they could never figure out.
I'm feeling better.
I think I'll go check the stand.
The big beach festival is this weekend.
We have to be open.
If we don't make some money, we'll lose our lease.
Max, it is out of the question.
She's right.
We're too sick.
The dream has ended.
It's over.
It's a dirty rotten shame we couldn't find somebody who could find it in their heart to help this absolutely adorable old couple fulfill their dream of a lifetime.
Oh, all right, all right.
We will.
You? - Do you have any experience? - No.
You're hired.
Boy, making pizza really brings back a flood of childhood memories.
Make a lot of pizza as a kid? No.
My favorite uncle, Uncle Gunther, used to sprinkle Parmesan cheese on his hair.
Why would he do that? He said it was the perfect compliment to the croutons he'd taped to his eyebrows.
He had a Caesar complex.
Salad, not Julius.
Rose, maybe you ought to work on the knishes.
Or did you have an uncle who was a Mr.
Potato Head? Dorothy, you're just cranky 'cause you haven't had a cigarette in a while.
Maybe a little.
But I'll tell you the truth, I think I'm over the worst.
That's great.
I'm really proud of you.
You'd think you'd miss that feeling you get with that first puff, that feeling of relaxation when you hold it in, and then the sheer exhilaration as you exhale slowly.
No, not really.
I've found other ways to ease my tensions.
Honey, would you hand me that large saucepan? - Oh, sure.
- No, the one behind it, the really big one.
You know, you really have to give Max and Sophia credit.
This business was their dream, and they're going after it.
- I wish I'd done that with my dream.
- Fine.
- Honey, would you check on the pizzas? - Why don't you want to hear my dream? Because it is always the same thing with you, Blanche.
Sex, sex, sex.
I am tired of hearing it.
Maybe that's because you're not getting any, Dorothy.
Do you want the pot again, Rose? Well, it just so happens that it was not about sex.
There's a lot more than that to Blanche Devereaux.
My dream was to be a great scientist.
Work in a laboratory.
Do research.
Find a cure for the common cold.
You know, Blanche, I owe you an apology.
I thought Then I'd knock all those test tubes off the table, grab a Ph.
D.
, and show those lab rabbits how it's really done.
It's gonna be a long afternoon.
This is so depressing.
We haven't had a customer in two hours.
Well, that's because we need promotion.
You know, Blanche is right.
It doesn't matter how good your product is, you have to know how to promote it.
That sure was the case with Fritz Vanderhoeven, who owned the St.
Olaf Motor Coach Company.
- They built a car in St.
Olaf? - They sure did.
The Vanderhoeven Rocket.
Oh, it was a beauty.
Fritz really had vision.
Actually, he had double vision, which is why it had eight tires.
So, uh What happened? It never got off the ground.
Bad promotion.
Which was a shame, because it's the first car to this day that ran on free fuel.
It was totally powered by cow manure.
I think a lot of people were turned off by the ad - a cow sitting on a gas tank, reading the Farmers'Almanac.
- How's it going? - Ma, what are you doing here? I feel better and I wanted to get some air.
How's business? We've only had two customers all day.
I think it's such a nice hot day, they're all in the water.
That's your problem? You can't get the people out of the water? Amateurs.
Let me show you how you run a pizza-knish stand at the beach.
- Shark! Shark! Shark! - (screaming and yelling) Now they're out of the water, start selling.
- Uh, pizza.
- Step right up.
And after Ma got everybody out of the water, people started trying our food.
Before we knew it, there wasn't a pizza or a knish left on the shelf.
- The place is a hit.
- Sophia, I am very proud of you.
Not only did you save the business, but you saved all those people from the shark.
Don't look so worried.
I handle the books.
(phone rings) Hello? What? - Oh, no No, we'll be right there.
- What's the matter? - I don't understand it.
- How could the stand burn to the ground? - I don't know.
- We were so careful.
I have a confession to make.
The reason I sent you two ahead and said I'd lock up is because I wanted a cigarette.
And I guess I didn't put it out.
- Oh - Well, I wouldn't worry.
How much harm can it do? The place already burnt down.
Rose, you dummy, she means her cigarette started the fire.
Max, Ma, I have never felt so bad in my entire life.
I don't know what to say.
It was an accident, pussycat.
Don't worry about it.
- That's it? That's all you have to say? - Uh-huh.
Oh, Ma, please yell at me.
Please scream at me.
Please make me feel guilty.
I mean, if you don't say anything, I'll feel twice as bad.
I know.
I'm not an amateur at this.
We finally found the cause of the fire.
Take me away.
Cuff me.
Well, I'd like to take you to dinner first.
Then we could play the rest by ear.
But business before pleasure.
Your fire was caused by a faulty coil in the pizza oven.
I'll write up a report for your insurance company.
But this is wonderful news! Dorothy, it wasn't your fault.
And with the insurance money, Max and Sophia can build again, bigger and better than ever.
From these ashes a phoenix will rise! Stronger, healthier, more vibrant, more successful than before.
(both) Eh.
Why did you say "Ah"? - It just came out.
- Me too.
Did you have fun rebuilding the old business? Ah It always felt like something was missing.
I can tell you what that was.
My Salvadore.
And my Esther.
Sophia, I think we got a problem here.
Is there anything we can do, Sophia? Go get two cheesecakes and wait up for me.
I have a feeling the four of us will be talking till dawn.
Max, do you love me? Sure.
You? I love you.
Are you in love with me? What is this? The Oprah Winfrey Show? You know what I mean.
Are you in love with me the way you were with Esther? - No.
Do you love me the way you did Sal? - I thought I did.
But now I think I might have confused a great friendship with a great love.
Boy, if this was Ronald Colman and Greer Garson, there wouldn't be a dry eye in the house.
This is the kind of mistake you make when you're 19.
It gives me hope to think you can be just as dopey at 82.
So.
Do you want to get a divorce? Hey, I'm Catholic.
I don't need a divorce on my record with St.
Peter in spitting distance.
I say we get separated.
Fine.
That's a better idea.
I'll go back to Brooklyn.
My family's there, my grandkids.
And I miss the old neighborhood.
And I'll stay here in Miami.
Ever since I lost my Sal, the ladies I live with are my family.
But that doesn't mean we can't get together occasionally for You know.
You can do that when you're just friends? Hey, I want to get in good with St.
Peter, I don't want his job.
You know, me and Esther, and you and Salvadore, we were all good together.
The best.
Hey, Mister.
You want me to play "It Had To Be You," for the two of you? I want you to play it for the four of us.
(plays "It Had To Be You")