The Golden Palace (1992) s01e06 Episode Script

Can't Stand Losing You

1 o ooh-ooh-ooh thank you for bein' a friend travel down the road and back again your heart is true you're a pal and a confidante and if you threw a party invited everyone you knew you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say thank you for bein' a friend thank you for bein' a friend thank you for bein' a friend thank you for bein' a friend witt/thomas/harris productions, cbs television network, And 1992 nci caption club/ grantsmanship Hey, shorty.
Hey, wrinkly.
Need help with your homework? Kind of.
I'm studying the technical names For all the body parts.
I can't figure out what this thing is.
That's a throat bone.
There's no bone in the throat.
There isn't? Hey, I'm choking.
[coughs] Sophia! Hey, roland.
Can you help me with my homework? Yeah, in the office.
I'll be right there.
You don't have to be here.
You're off tonight.
I kind of want to stay in for oliver.
It's o.
K.
, I'm a workaholic.
Oh, my god! He's been drinking workahol? [coughing] You o.
K.
? I've been floating around the ceiling Dead for three minutes, Rose, don't you think it's strange That roland hasn't taken one night off Since we've been here? And I know why.
He's lonely.
He hasn't been dating.
He has no love in his life.
I should know.
I'm the expert on love.
Oh, please, get real! You've had what, three men in the last 40 years? I had that many between the kennedy and oswald assassinations.
How many of that faceless horde say, "I love you"? If I touch them in the right place, I can get them to say, "it's howdy doody time.
" Roland needs a girl, And I'm the one to find her, not you.
Let's not make this into a contest, rose.
Why not? Chicken? No! Afraid I know more about men than you? No.
I just don't think we should meddle.
[clucking] Don't you dare cluck at me, rose nylund.
I would accept your challenge, But it just wouldn't be fair.
Even if you did, you'd both lose.
I think there's a simple reason Roland doesn't date women.
Why? Because they're not men.
Oh, you don't mean Please, I haven't seen a flame that big Since I went to arlington cemetery.
Terrible! A good marinara sauce Has to simmer at least 24 hours.
That's clam chowder.
Perfect.
Where did I put my glasses? Hey, everybody, the tv station called, And they want our chef to do a cooking segment On good morning, mii.
I'll do it, but this is the last time.
We have a chance to promote the hotel on television, And I'm going to let you go on And blurt something out? What do you mean, You sealy posturpedic with a face? Look, sophia, I know that you're a better chef But I have tv experience.
Really? Oh, yeah.
Super bowl xxi.
That was me behind brent musburger, remember? Tough choice, but I think chuy should go.
Sophia, don't take it personally.
It's just that chuy Well, honey, chuy can see.
Keep talking, blanche.
Keep talking, 'cause I'm zoning in.
Keep talking, blanche.
She went this way.
Roland, shouldn't you be out on the desk? Yeah.
Back to work.
Well, that's the last time roland will be single, Because in about five minutes, A beautiful woman is going to walk into his life.
I'll win the bet, and you'll be the loser! Now wait a minute! I thought we decided we weren't going through With that silly competition.
Part of the secret of winning Is knowing the game has begun.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go meet the future mrs.
Roland wilson.
No fair! No fair! "no fair! No fair!" The mating call of the loser.
Rose nylund is not going to beat me at matchmaking.
Now where can I find some delicate young creature That would appeal to roland? Delivery.
Do you have a minute to meet a gorgeous man? Can I freshen up first? Oh, sure.
I'm fresh.
Fix your hair.
Fix your hair.
Wet your lips.
Sir, the golden palace doesn't offer that service.
If you leave your shoes outside your room, They won't be shined, they'll be gone.
Roland? Yeah--aah! Roland, this is a friend of mine That I just think you're really going to like.
What's her name? Roy.
Actually, this isn't my smock.
That's enough, roy.
I just feel like you two Can really make a go of it.
Uh, could you excuse us? Blanche, this woman is covered in meat stains.
She's scaring away the guests.
I'm sure she's a nice person, And really, it's not her It's the blood and the hook.
Stop it.
Why are you sisting this? You're both so similar.
Similar? In what way? Well, you're both You know, you both have Well, you're both We're both black.
Right? Black? Hey, you know what? Blanche! Oh, all right! I don't know a lot of black people.
Besides, this is just to tide you over.
I'm still looking.
Sorry, roy.
You know how men are.
No, I don't.
Blanche, you make me sick.
Fixing him up because of his skin color.
I've got someone who'll like roland for roland.
Oh, there you are, mr.
Ricchuitti.
How do you like your room? Oh, it's exquisite.
Thank you, very much.
Now where's this tasty little slim-jim You've been filling my ears with? I'm with her.
Sophia! How could you? He's a guest.
I'm bringing him in as an expert.
He'll ask a few questions, we'll get an answer.
Potpourri? No.
Thank you.
Straight, no chaser.
I don't need your help with my personal life.
Now I don't want you meddling any more.
Roland, this is joanne.
This is the last time I'm going to do this.
Hi, I'm roland wilson, raging heterosexual.
So nice to meet you.
It's nice to meet you.
Ha! I win! Oh! Roland wins.
It's a win-win situation.
Aw, except for you, blanche.
You lose.
I will not be beaten by that woman.
Oh, she makes me so mad.
Don't sweat it.
That date won't work out.
I think roland's still hung up on trisha.
Trisha who? Trisha waters.
She's roland's old girlfriend.
I've seen pictures.
She's really pretty.
Why did they break up? I guess because she moved back to atlanta.
Atlanta, huh? I don't think this contest is quite over yet.
Hey! What did you just do? Nothing.
You put that sugar in the soup.
Oh, I did not.
You want to make me look bad so you can go on tv.
ThatReally hurts me.
I'm a wounded bird.
I'm sorry, sophia.
I was acting, you idiot.
I was born to be on tv.
Chuy, I just did the most wonderful thing.
You can't tell anybody.
What, blanche? I found the phone number Of roland's old girlfriend, trisha.
I sent her a ticket, and she'll be here soon.
Isn't t that wonderful? Yes, it is.
By the way, You must promise never to do anything wonderful for me.
So, roland, how was your lunch with joanne? It was great, incredible.
This girl is great.
Yeah.
Really? I didn't think she was quite right.
Of course, I don't know Any other womenn you've gone out with.
But isn't there anyone you can't seem to forget? Only one, actually, trisha.
Trisha? Yeah.
God! What a miserable experience that was.
Why? Wasn't she pretty? Yeah, but she just suffocated me.
She was so possessive and clinging.
Always had to have her hands on me.
She had this game called "mr.
Walking fingers.
" I can't talk about this, blanche.
Oh, god! What a nightmare! How'd you get rid of her? I told her a widdle wie.
Roland, I need to talk to you now.
I'm on the phone.
Yeah, joanne.
I had a great time, too.
It'll just take a minute.
I'm going to look forward to that.
Bye.
This girl is terrific! I have to tell you something.
I was upset with you guys before, But joanne is great.
Well, love is my field of expertise.
For the first time in a long time, My life is finally coming together.
Hello, wover.
Guess who? Please, god, tell me it's elmer fudd.
Oh, roland.
I was just stunned when I got your telegram.
And you didn't need to send the plane ticket.
I would have been happy to pay for it myself.
Now you tell me.
What? Now you tell me her name.
This is where you introduce us.
Oh, uh, blanche this is trisha.
She's an oldFriend.
Oh, well, trisha.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
Roland isn't quite telling the truth.
I'm more than just an old friend.
I'm an old girlfriend.
We used to date.
Right up until the time he entered the priesthood.
Priesthood? Yes, uh, trisha was the last girl I dated Before I tried my hand atPriesting.
I can't believe this.
Trisha has called down 25 times today.
She won't leave me alone, And look at this.
She had a pot roast delivered.
God only knows what this means.
Oh, wait, this is from roy.
Two terrific women to choose from, But I still cast my vote for trisha.
Haven't you heard a word I've said? I don't want trisha.
I can't keep running from her.
You probably don't want to talk about my personal life.
Yes, we do.
I know you guys Eat your cheesecake and tell your stories, But who's going to have a story about being madly pursued? I do.
I have one.
I do.
Swim, man! Swim for your life! Why don't I begin? Because we hate that southern crap! The moonshine, the mosquitoes, the inbreeding.
Please, I get pregnant just listening to that stuff.
Would you prefer to listen to rose ramble on About tap-dancing chickens? And her recipes For yergen flergen bergen gergen flergen? You pronounce it just like a tourist.
Besides, what would you rather hear? "picture it, sicily?" In seven years, I've never been able to picture sicily.
So either bring in a photograph or shut up.
I shouldn't have brought this up.
It's my problem.
I'll deal with it.
O.
K.
, I'll skip the story.
Although you should know That mine resulted in a bare-chested brawl And involved a man named jerry lee lewis.
Mine had enzo ferrari.
Mayor mccheese.
Can I ask a question? Why'd you lie to her? Come on, blanche.
You've met her.
She just cares about me so much, I didn't think she could take the rejection.
I'll just have to figure out something.
This is my problem, But thanks for being friends.
I just wish I knew what sick, twisted mind Could concoct such a hurtful scheme.
Ahem.
Maybe one of your friends could help you.
There's something I want to say, friend.
Well, what is it, pal? I'm the one who sent for her, buddy.
You did what, dead woman? Yeah, I sent for trisha.
I guess I just got competitive with rose, and I-- Lost! You lost, and I won! I kicked your rump! That's enough, you chucklehead.
I just wanted to make you happy.
By reuniting me with the woman I can't stand? I know it doesn't look good now, But love is my field of expertise.
Well, blanche, You really crossed the line this time.
[telephone rings] [ring] [ring] Aren't you going to answer it? What? The phone's ringing.
It's been ringing all day.
I'm not deaf.
Yeah, I'm not deaf, either.
Golden palace.
Certainly.
For how many nights would that be? Sophia, the phone stopped ringing.
I suppose this will go down On my permanent record.
That was trisha's room.
I just can't talk to her.
I shouldn't talk to you.
I know you're upset, But we can't lose business.
If you won't get the phone, let sophia get it.
Golden palace.
No ring that time, either.
A little joke to relieve the tension.
Why here you are.
"meet me at the airport.
" What a joker.
What will we do today? I can't do anything.
I've got to work.
I thought you wanted to see me.
Isn't that why you sent for me? You just don't get it, do you? Get it? No, I don't get it.
I'm not getting it, either.
Let it ring.
We need to talk.
Let's go in the other room.
Roland.
What will you tell her? Any suggestions? Oh, wait, you've gone too far To help me already.
Tell her the truth.
She's not a child.
It'll hurt her too much.
It'll hurt her either way.
Just be honest.
Deep down, everybody wants to hear the truth.
She'll thank you later.
You didn't thank me when I told you You looked like a cheese blintz in a wig.
Trish? This is very difficult for me, But if we don't have honesty in this friendship, Then we don't have anything at all.
What I'm about to tell you is the truth.
My mother was kidnapped by afghani rebels, And I must go to her.
Again? Trish, I was never a priest.
I never even left florida.
Roland, I've always known.
I knew when you came up with that ridiculous story.
Which one? All of them.
I'm not an idiot.
Then why did you come back here? Because when I got your telegram, I thought you wanted to see me.
And I wanted to take one more shot At making this work.
There's so many good things we had.
So many good times we had.
Remember? Mr.
Walking fingers climbing up roland mountain.
Stop it! Stop it! No.
Look, you stop it.
I didn't send you that telegram.
Blanche did.
I'm sorry.
I--I just don't love you.
You don't love me? No, I--I don't.
Can I ask why? There's never just one reason Why somebody doesn't love somebody, But if I had to pick one, I guess it's 'cause you suffocate me.
I do? I'm sure that there's some guy Who really wants a beautiful woman To love him the way that you love me.
But that just can't be me.
I'm sorry.
Well At least you were finally honest with me.
You know why I was hung up on you? No, why? Because you were the first guy Who didn't seem to be interested in me Just because of my enormous inheritance.
How did the tv taping go? Oh, man, I was on fire.
I sizzled.
I sauteed.
I baked.
I browned.
Then I figured I might as well Get off the beach and go do the show.
Well, how did it go? Great, once I got into the studio.
Is sophia still picketing? Yeah.
Man, that old lady can work a bullhorn.
Roland, we've been talking And we both realize that we owe you a little apology.
Oh, well, thanks.
It all started because we were worried about you.
We thought you were working too hard.
You know why I'm working so hard? I'm trying to teach you three ladies the hotel business.
I can't trust you with the hotel yet.
We're not going to do anything To hurt our own business.
Boy, it's hot out there.
Do you mind if I picket around the desk? Roland, I think it's really sweet That you worry about us, But you have to understand, We worry about you, too.
We can't help it.
You're family now.
You consider me family? Come on.
For heaven's sake, we work together, we live together.
You're like a son to us.
We were worried you weren't getting any.
I'm really fond of you guys, too, But in the future, please don't go Messing around in my love life.
This matchmaking just doesn't work.
Ready to go for lunch, rol? O.
K.
, this time you got lucky.
So roland's going out with joanne, huh? I'd say our score is chuckleheads, 1, tramps, nothing.
Hey.
Will you be o.
K.
Without me? Go ahead.
We're capable Of running this hotel.
[ring] Golden palace.
Captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.