The Golden Palace (1992) s01e14 Episode Script


1 ooh-ooh-ooh thank you for bein' a friend travel down the road and back ain your heart is true you're a pal and a confidante and if you threw a party invited everyone you knew you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say thank you for bein' a friend thank you for bein' a friend thank you for bein' a friend thank you for bein' a friend witt/thomas/harris productions, cbs television network, And 1992 nci caption club/ grantsmanship A dead fish! Oh, my god! A sicilian sign there's been a hit.
More fish! It's a bloodbath! A pox on you! A pox, I say! Oh, yeah, I ordered this.
Hey, who ordered the fish? I did.
You know all dinner orders go through me.
They go through me, too, like a locomotive.
Hey, listen, now that we know this much about each other, I need a favor.
I have to borrow your car.
You just said food goes right through you.
Why would I lend you my car? I want to go downtown, get my feet scraped, Maybe get a yogurt.
You know, live.
You're an old lady.
You'll leave the blinker on all the time.
Ah, a pox on you.
What? It's my new thing.
Isn't it a giggle? Yes, it is.
It's a giggle.
A pox on you.
Tell it to your friends On the bus.
How about a ride downtown? Mama needs a new pair of feet.
You know I have this sweet-16 party to plan.
It's our banker's daughter.
I want it go off without a hitch.
Lend me your car.
Honey, you're too old to drive.
This is about the ding I put in your car.
Ding? The paramedics had to get you out of there With the jaws of life.
They screwed up your door, not me.
I'm sorry.
The answer's no.
I smite you.
I smite you with the strength of a thousand suns.
What? UhA pox on you.
Oh, you're cursing me.
Oh, I get you.
Boy, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Blanche, where are all the pens? I threw them out.
I ordered personalized ones that say, "compliments of the golden palace.
" Why are you wasting your time with pens? We've got this sweet-16 for our banker's daughter.
He holds the note on this hotel.
If this party fails, the onus is on all of us.
What did you just say? Onus.
Never mind.
You're eating another sandwich? I haven't been eating that much.
As per your orders, blanche, I'm keeping the meatball subs coming.
All right, I'm eating.
Well, I'm frustrated.
That's what I'm saying.
We need to talk.
I'm sexually frustrated.
I don't want to talk about this.
It's a fact.
I've replaced my sex drive with a food drive.
Maybe tonight you'd like to try a little mexican? Chuy, are you coming on to me? It's just a diversion.
We're running low on meatballs.
That poor thing.
He doesn't have a prayer, Because tonight I have a date with the most wonderful man Who's ever come into my life.
His name is ernie niles.
ErnieOoh! Tonight? We're auditioning entertainers for the party.
This is important, blanche.
I'll do it tomorrow.
I need this tonight.
He's such a charming man.
He's so witty and bright, And he's really cute.
ErnieOoh! This is nauseating.
I can't listen to this.
"he's cute.
" I've never met a cute man.
Men are not cute.
If you want cute, date winnie the pooh.
WinnieOoh! Well, blanche still isn't here.
She knows about these auditions.
We'll start without her.
All right, mr.
Seigel, It says you're an entertainer.
What do you do? [loud] I'm a mime! Are you perhaps an escaped mime? Anytime you're ready, mr.
And now A man trapped in a box.
A mime who uses props.
That's unusual.
I'm trapped in a box! I had a mime at my 16th birthday party.
Well, he wasn't actually a mime.
It was a neighbor boy who'd been struck by lightning.
Seigel, if you don't mind me asking, What made you want to become a mime? I like to see the smiles on people's faces.
Are you smiling? Hello.
This is roland.
Can I help you? It's a guy from the department of social services.
They're checking up on oliver.
[anglo accent] hey there, hi there, ho there.
Could you speak up? I can hardly hear you Over the pat boone in the background.
Hey, good white guy, man.
Oh, she is? O.
, that's great news.
Thank you.
What's up? Uh, that was about oliver's mom.
Apparently, she's out of rehab, And the court feels she's ready to take oliver back.
That's what you always wanted for oliver.
So why do I feel so lousy? This was always a temporary arrangement.
Let's go tell the ladies and oliver.
I don't want to get his hopes up.
Let's not say anything until his mother actually shows up.
Man, who you kidding? The women aren't stupid.
One look at you, they'll know you're hiding something.
Then we'll have to act natural, Like there's nothing wrong.
[whistling yankee doodle] Wait a minute.
What is this? [stops whistling] Oh, yeah, yankee doodle.
[whistling yankee doodle] Oh, girls! Where have you been? Oh, girls, I think I'm in love.
Excuse me? That means she's slept with someone.
I mean did you just call us girls? Uh, no, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
You call me a girl.
You don't live with girls anymore.
I don't like blueberries in my bagels, Cinnamon in my coffee, Baskets full of bath gels, And I don't want to hear about your personal life.
For the first time, I had the big "o.
" Say what? The first time in your life, ever? Yeah.
I thought I'd had it before, but I was wrong.
Oh, boy, was I wrong.
Wait a minute.
Not that I care, But how is it possible, after all your bragging, That this is your first time? I don't understand it either.
I think maybe it's because Well, you see, I've always thought of myself as a white tina turner.
Really? In what way? Her skin is lighter.
Anyway, I'm seeing him tonight.
Blanche, the party is in two days.
We've been handling your auditions, But the printers called twice About approving the copy on those hotel pens.
You made another date? I'll get my chores done, But I have to do this tonight.
I need this.
I need this.
[deep, throaty voice] I need this.
, that time I was just practicing.
Hey, roland.
Boy, that oliver is something.
He's on me again to take him to a wrestling match.
This time he wants to see mud-wrestling mamas.
Can you imagine? No.
I think that's totally inappropriate.
That's what I said.
It's totally inappropriate.
Totally inappropriate.
And I'm out 50 bucks.
She's gone.
Blanche is gone again.
The minute a man comes along, Blanche can't work anymore.
I don't know a lot about blanche's personal life, But so what if she likes to date? I thought that till this ernie came along.
This is the hump that broke the camel's back.
That's the straw that broke the camel's back.
Boy, you don't know much about her personal life, do you? Rose, I still think you're overreacting to this.
Well, that's not all.
Remember those pens she ordered and was too busy to check? Well, they came.
Rose--oh, my pens got here.
Oh, good.
Now, isn't it classier to say, "pen is compliments from us to you"? Oh, real classy, Except they left the space out between "pen" and "is.
" What a funny little typo.
It's more than a funny little typo.
There are 32 guests who have pens that say, "penis compliments from us to you.
" From us to them? You see, it's supposed to say, "pen is.
" I know that.
We got 10 gross of them.
We'll have to collect them.
You'll call the printer.
I can't.
I have a lunch date with ernieOoh! Lunch? We have a sweet-16 party tonight.
That banker's carried us for three months.
You've got a responsibility here.
I can't believe this.
You're just throwing this away for some guy.
He's not just some guy.
He's special.
I've seen him in his speedo.
He's not that special.
Oh, I get it.
This is your idea.
You're just jealous 'cause I'm dating someone.
I'm not jealous, blanche.
But we have an important event coming up.
You're choosing the first man who comes along.
This man makes me happy.
As my friend, that should make you happy.
I'm talking to you as your partner, not your friend.
As far as I'm concerned, you're not my friend.
Well, that's just fine with me.
Roland, I'm checking out now.
I'll be back on Wednesday.
I just need your signature.
What is this, some sort of come-on? What? Oh, that's a funny little typo.
Here you go.
My car will be washed when I return? Yes.
Just leave us the keys.
I already left them.
With whom? The little old lady.
The little old lady? get your motor runnin' head up on the highway lookin' for adventure and whatever comes our way [oliver] boy, this car's got a good radio.
[sophia] oh, thank god.
You hear it, too? born to be wild [oliver] you sure you know how to drive? [sophia] you think I'm too old? No, it's just-- Well, you spent so much time looking for the crank.
Aw, that was just shtick.
So, what do you want to do? I'm ing this for you.
I want you to be free, See the highway, touch the city, smell the land.
Are we ever going to turn left? Any news of sophia and oliver? I called the cops.
Hey, you guys got nothing to worry about.
When I was a kid in east l.
, We'd go joyriding all the time.
We'd get a bunch of guys, go down to tijuana-- Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea If you got the number of a good bail bondsman.
I called the boys' club and the seniors center.
They're not there.
I just feel so awful.
I was so insensitive to sophia.
Now she's gone.
I know.
I feel horrible.
I was insensitive to you, too, wasn't I? I'm sorry, rose.
I forgive you, blanche.
I forgive you, rose, and roland, too.
Yippy skippy.
I was having trouble balancing my work And my time with ernieOoh! Girls, I think I've come up with the perfect solution.
All right, that's it.
You haven't heard it.
You called me a girl.
No, she didn't.
I know when I'm being called a girl.
I'm not a girl, right? Whatever.
Anyway, I'm having ernie stay here at the hotel.
That way, I can be here for the party And have my getaway weekend with ernieOoh! I'm going to slip into something That will make me look my best.
May I suggest a time machine? Hello? Can I help you? Hi, roland? I'm paula webb, oliver's mother.
Oh, you're oliver's mother.
It's nice to meet you.
This is chuy.
I've heard a lot about you.
I'm glad you're doing better.
I'm doing great.
I was lucky to find such a good hospital And lucky oliver found you.
He's written all about you.
Well, we're really close.
So is chuy.
So, where is he now? Where's who? Oliver.
Oh, where's oliver? I thought you meant where's chuy.
Me, too.
I thought you meant where's chuy.
Well, where is he? He's right there.
Hi, I'm chuy.
I wanted to surprise him.
You wanted to surprise him.
She wanted to surprise you.
Ohh! Uhh! Don't do that.
I see why oliver likes it here so much.
So, really, where is he? Right now, he's out with one of his foster grandmas.
, I'll come back later.
[whispering] - [whispering] His grandmother-- she's o.
, isn't she? Oh, yes, and we feel That she's a really strong role model for the child.
By spending time together, She's showing him a healthy respect for authority.
Ma'am, do you have any idea how slow you were going? [sophia] ah, bite me.
So you finally decided to join us.
We have a lot of setting up to do.
You'll have to deal with it.
Ernie got us tickets to an evening cruise.
Now, hold it, blanche.
You're the one who brought this party here.
Well, you know what I think? You think I run after the first man that comes along.
You can't stop me.
I'm not stopping you.
I'm telling you not to come back.
Not come back? This isn't about ernie.
You're running away from this hotel.
You can't handle the responsibility.
You're scared.
She's right.
I don't care what you think.
And hey, maybe I just won't come back.
'cause I don't need you.
I don't need anyone.
I don't need anything.
[telephone rings] Golden palace.
Remember, kid, we're in this together.
You better believe it.
These people tell me they belong to you.
Sophia! Where have you two been? Kidnapped.
The boy kidnapped me.
It was a nightmare.
Normally, I'd take them downtown But with their ages and all Their ages? I'm a child.
I was scared.
I almost peed.
I'm 100.
I am scared.
I am peeing.
If you'd take better care of these two, They might not run away.
Oh, I'm going to take care of them.
Listen, I don't want to know whose idea it was-- His.
- Hers.
It doesn't matter whose idea it was.
If you want to go somewhere, Ask one of us, and we'll take you.
Promise-- no more joyriding.
We promise.
- We promise.
Thank you.
Am I grounde No.
Just the ringleader.
Hey, look who's back.
Did you tell him the good news yet? Tonight.
I'll tell him tonight.
Well, I learned my lesson.
Me, too.
Excuse me, is anyone on duty? I need to park my motorcycle and sidecar.
We can do th for you.
I'm back.
I thought you were going on a cruise.
Well, it just didn't work out with ernie.
It was something he said.
Oh, did he say you were irresponsible? No, rose.
What he said was-- Your hair.
He made fun of your hair.
No! I told him about the fight we'd had, And he said for me not to worry.
He'd take care of me.
So? I realized I was doing what you said I was, Running away and looking for some man to care of me.
Maybe I was scared.
Maybe Maybe I can't handle responsibility, But this hotel is my chance to make something of myself Without depending on some man, And I sure would like to try, That is, if you'll forgive me.
Oh, come here.
Oh! [blanche] oh, rose.
It is so good to be back with you all.
Hey, where's oliver? Oliver's gone.
Gone? His mother came back.
She's doing great.
He was so excited to see her.
That's wonderful.
Isn't it great? He must be so happy.
Of course, after-- Um, are you o.
, roland? Yeah, I'm o.
I'm just going to miss oliver, that's all.
Well, yeah, we all are.
But I bet he'll come back and visit.
I didn't even get to say goodbye.
Oh, yeah, he left you all a note.
Let's see.
"I never knew grandmas could be so much fun.
"I love you guys.
I'll miss you guys-- oliver.
Tell sophia thanks for the ride.
" I'm glad I took him out for one last free ride.
It was an adventure That taught us more about love and sharing and trust Than all the schooling.
You're still grounded, sophia.
Aw, bite this.
Captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.
Let's get up early and clean up.
I'm beat.
Oh, yeah.
I'm for that.
Night, blanche.
Good night, roland.
Good night, rose.
Seigel] good night! Are you smiling? touchstone pictures and television Public performance of captions prohibited without permission of