The Good Place (2016) s02e03 Episode Script

Team Cockroach

1 We're on the same page.
I wanna team up with you guys.
What? Why? You do? What? I'm in a bit of a bind and I could use some backup.
So, what do you say? New best friends? You wanna team up? You've been torturing us - and lying about it.
- Let's not get all caught up on who lied to who or which one of us created an entire fake reality in order to cause eternal misery for the others.
That's ancient history.
It was happening until 20 seconds ago.
The point is that circumstances have changed.
And now, all of us teaming up is our best option.
I love being on teams.
Oh, we need a team name.
Um the Bobcats.
- Great.
- Slow down, ding dong.
He wouldn't offer us a deal for no reason.
He needs us.
- Why? - Because, as you said, you keep beating me.
Look, I built this neighborhood as a way to torture the four of you psychologically for thousands of years.
And you keep figuring it out and taking all the fun out of it.
- Fun? - Today, there was a new development that really chapped my nips.
One of my employees is blackmailing me.
Vicky.
She runs the clam chowder place in the main square.
- A Little Bit Chowder Now.
- Oh, the place with the the chowder fountain.
No, that's Pump Up the Clam.
A Little Bit Chowder Now has the lazy river of chowder.
Ugh! How did we ever think this was the Good Place? Vicky thinks that she can run this neighborhood better than I can.
And she wants to start her version in 30 minutes.
I am supposed to reboot you, erase your memory and turn control over to her.
How are we supposed to team up with you if you wipe our memories again? Easy.
I'm not going to.
You're going to act like you've been rebooted and pretend that Vicky and the others are torturing you.
But then, on your own time, in private, you can study ethics, ogle mailmen, - do whatever you want.
- Can I play iPad? - Sure you can, buddy.
- Yes.
Guys, there's no debate here.
My boss gave me two chances to make this work.
Suffice to say, I tried more than two times.
If he finds out, we're all in hot water.
Literally.
They will boil us.
We will be the main ingredient in a chowder of pain.
Human meeting.
Bedroom.
Now.
Oh, yeah, um, that no stair thing, that was part of the torture.
- Let me help you.
- [bell dings] [shimmering tone] Son of a bench.
- Anyone have any ideas? - You know, believe it or not, I actually found myself in a very similar situation a few years ago, except in that instance, Michael was Javier Bardem and the Bad Place was Vanessa Redgrave's panic room.
Okay, stop talking.
Do not talk again for 100 hours.
- What do we do? - We team up with Michael.
Okay, hot take, but I like your confidence.
- Tell me why.
- He has a bow tie.
Oh, no.
I always trust dudes in bow ties.
Once, this guy in a bow tie came up to me at the gun range in a Jacksonville bus station and said he'd give me $600 if I put these weird turtles in my duffle bag and brought them to Daytona Beach.
So I hotwired a swamp boat to Daytona and the guy paid me the $600.
My point is, you always trust dudes in bow ties.
[grunts] Ahh! Look, Michael's a liar.
I know liars.
It was my job to trick people into buying fake medicine and I was the top salesperson - seven years in a row.
- I thought you only - worked there five years.
- Proves my point! This is a trick.
- There's no way we trust him.
- I agree.
He could be lying about this whole thing.
For all we know, you three are in the Bad Place and I'm up in the Good Place, where I belong, being tested.
- How would that even - I don't know, - but it's possible.
- Before we do anything, we need more information.
We should ask him every question we can think of.
- Yes.
- Yes, we shall grill him like the flank of a Niberian piglet.
I'm sorry, has it been 100 hours? [bell dings] Okay, man.
We got questions.
First off, how can we possibly trust you? You can't.
But you have to.
Logically, you shouldn't but you have no choice.
I mean, I wouldn't, if I were you.
It's a crazy thing to do.
- But you gotta.
- What happens if we don't? Most likely, I reboot you once more, you figure it out again, Vicky tells my boss, he shuts everything down.
I get punished, you end up spending the rest of eternity in the real Bad Place, up to your necks in a volcano full of scorpions.
I'll tell you what I want to know right now before we go any further.
Did the Jacksonville Jaguars win the Super Bowl last year? [chuckles] Oh, you're serious.
Uh, no.
Will they ever win the Super Bowl? Jason, I can't predict the future.
But no.
[laughs] They won't.
Okay, well I just have, like, 12 more Jaguar questions No, you don't.
Hey, Janet? - Hi, there.
- Do you have something shiny Jason can play with? [gasps] How many different versions of this place have we been through? Uh, let's see.
802.
The longest one was 11 months.
Uh, this current one has only been going for one week.
Boy, you guys barely know each other.
It's gonna make this tough.
What's that super tiny line? That's the shortest one, eight seconds.
It was a butt reboot.
I sat on the activator by mistake.
Michael, was I also rebooted 802 times? Yes.
Why? Every time a Janet is rebooted, she increases her social awareness and abilities.
I might be the most advanced Janet in the universe.
So Janet isn't with you.
No.
There has to be a Janet in every neighborhood, good and bad.
This one is an actual Good Place Janet that I stole to help sell the ruse.
I guess it didn't work, though.
Because you keep failing.
- Yes, thank you.
- You're welcome.
If you're not human, why do you look like us? Everyone in the Bad Place Bureau of Human Affairs gets randomly assigned a human body so we can get the feel of how best to torture you.
I gotta say, it took me a long time to get used to - the hanging bits.
- Gross.
Oh, get your mind out of the gutter, Eleanor.
I was talking about my testicles.
Mindy St.
Clair's is fake, I bet.
No, the Medium Place is real.
So annoying how you managed to slip away from me - all those times.
- Why even tell us about any real thing? Why not just lie about all of it? Lies are always more convincing when they're closer to the truth.
That's true.
I crashed a lot of open bar weddings as Eileen Shelbourne.
Even dated a groomsman for a few months.
So I had to keep the name, and he got Eileen - tattooed on his neck.
- Seriously?! How are she and I in the same place? - Oh, get over yourself.
- Trust me, don't trust me, it doesn't matter.
We're running out of time, and I'm your only option.
We're running out of time and I'm your only option? A lot of guys your age said that to me just as the bar was about to close.
But I never settled for them.
Because my ex-boyfriend lived nearby, he was obsessed with me and he never slept because he was addicted to Adderall.
There is always another option.
You guys do whatever you want.
- I'm out.
- No! My plan only works if all four of you - are on board.
- Then you better get cracking on a new plan, pally, because so far, I haven't heard a single good reason why I should help you.
All right, how about this? You help me trick Vicky and all those other goons, I can get you to the real Good Place.
There's a way to get to the real Good place.
It's complicated.
It may take a while to arrange especially since I'll have to do it in secret but yes, yes, there is a potential method of transportation.
Wait, is it nice? Is there a business class? Can I pre-board? Yeah, let's not worry about that right now.
I can get us there.
Us? You, Mr.
Diabolical Torture Guy are gonna try to join us in the Good Place? Yeah, if I stay in the Bad Place, I'm doomed.
But if I rescue four pitiful, foul-smelling humans from eternal damnation hit 'em with the big puppy dog eyes.
Please, sir, take pity on me, I've changed and all that crap, maybe I can earn a spot, too.
We didn't deserve the Good Place based on our time on Earth.
Will they even let us stay? I gotta be honest, I have no idea.
But at least if you help me fool Vicky, your brains don't get erased every two weeks.
Okay, all humans who have not already been suckered by Michael, another team meeting.
This is definitely a trap.
We figured out his game every time and now he's just trying a new way to mess with us.
Teaming up with a demon is insane.
Maybe.
But I think we have to do it.
Are you forking kidding me right now? You take a half an hour to pick out a turtleneck, and yet this you're sure about? Okay, look, I spent my whole life trying to learn about right and wrong and apparently, I failed.
I want us to get better and I want us to stay that way.
You understand that, right, Tahani? I understand nothing.
Hey! Same here! Michael, there's been a mistake.
I belong in the Good Place.
The real one with the good people.
Who do I speak to about correcting this? Me and you're wrong.
Very well.
I would like to speak to your manager.
Listen, sweetheart, you've only been in this timeline for about a week.
So I think I'm gonna fast forward things a bit.
There's a very good reason why you ended up here.
You never cared about the people you were helping.
You did it only for fame or status or to spite your family.
That is utter tosh! I had my flaws, just like anyone else, but I raised billions for charity.
I was a good person and I defy you or anyone else to prove otherwise.
You know, in all the reboots, I never showed you how you died.
I was saving it in case I ever needed to really make you miserable.
But it's hilarious.
Of course, I mean sad.
But it might help you come to grips with who you really were.
Do you want to remember it? Tahani Al-Jamil, social activist, philanthropist, neck model and now cover girl for "International Sophisticate Magazine.
" - Tahani, welcome.
- Oh, it's such an honor.
I have long dreamt of being one of the women or yachts who grace your cover.
Let's begin with your sister, Kamilah.
A woman who as you know was offered the spot on our cover, but turned it down.
I actually didn't know that.
Please, carry on.
Well, next week, Kamilah will travel to Cleveland, Ohio to become the youngest person ever inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame.
Remarkable.
Is there a question? Don't you find that remarkable? Kamilah is very impressive.
As you know, she released her debut album only six months ago and yet, the critics thought it was so brilliant that the Hall of Fame decided to waive its 25 year waiting period.
Sadly, I will not be attending the ceremony because I will be in Haiti on a relief mission.
Perhaps we should talk more about that.
Perhaps we should.
But first, another question about Kamilah.
Don't you think she and I would be friends? We have a lot in common, we are both Capricorn, and we're both only children.
I'm sorry, I forgot about you.
[upbeat club music] Kamilah! Congratulations.
You have all the attention.
Once again.
- Who are you? - Really? Good Lord.
Tahani! You're a cocktail waitress now.
Honestly, I think this is the right move for you.
No, it's just that my own sister didn't even deign to invite me to her little soiree.
So I had to weasel my way in here like some common weasel.
But I was supposed to be in Haiti being photographed helping people, but instead I delayed my trip by a day to come here and tell you off.
No, you came to do what you always do: make a scene and embarrass yourself.
So I'm just an embarrassment to you? Is that what you think of me? Honestly, I don't really think about you.
[laughs] No! Ow.
Thing just ah! I'll bring you down! I will bring you down.
Come on.
Come on! Come down to the ground where you belong, will you [screams] - Oh, no.
- Mm.
I died in Cleveland? I don't think that should be your biggest takeaway - from that story.
- Is that really all I cared about? Just outshining my sister and gaining praise and acclaim? I mean, I did gain praise and acclaim.
You know, I dare say on some occasions, more praise and acclaim than my sister, Kamilah, so Oh.
Oh, I see.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, come on, now.
It's not all bad.
Imagine you're me and you're designing a torture chamber for people who think that they belong in the Good Place.
I mean, you were perfect.
But I've always wanted to be perfect at something I just never thought it would be the perfect stooge.
I want to do it.
I want to become the person I pretended to be.
I agree with Chidi.
We should team up with Michael and all try to build a better Tahani.
Great.
Yet again, it's everyone against Eleanor.
Because everyone except Eleanor is an idiot.
Why am I the only person who clearly sees - what's going on here? - It's not that we don't understand the risks, we just wanna become better people and this is our best chance.
Oh, I get it.
'Cause you're so much better than me.
- That's what this is about? - Hang on, don't lash out at us just because of - your innate distrust.
- Lash out? No, it's not about who's better.
[crosstalk] I have no idea what's going on right now but everyone else is talking - and I think I should too! - [laughs] What is so funny? I'm sorry, I shouldn't be laughing.
How do I explain this? I'm basically an exterminator and you're cockroaches.
My job was to squish you and poison you and yet, somehow, my very survival now depends on you, the cockroaches, agreeing to help me.
- That's funny.
- We're cockroaches to you? Yeah.
Or dung beetles.
I don't know.
Something small and gross that creeps on the ground in its own filth.
- Just being honest.
- [laughs] Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- All right, forget about him.
- Oh! Forget about him, focus on us.
Kant wrote it is our duty to improve ourselves.
So whatever Michael's reasons for doing this, he's giving us the best chance to improve ourselves.
Okay, I have to admit, you're making a lot of sense right now.
I need to just untangle all of this.
Give me a minute to think about it alone.
Okay.
[circus music] - Janet? - Hi, there.
Call me a train.
Fill it to the brim with cocaine.
I'm going back to Mindy St.
Clair's house.
- Gonna bail, huh? - Hm? No.
Why why would you say that? Well, you got a bag full of clothes, you stuffed a bunch of pillows and a mop in your bed to make it look like you're asleep and you're literally sneaking out the back gate.
Okay.
I'm going to Mindy's.
I don't want to live forever in a boring, beige house with a weird, horny cokehead, but look at what you're asking me to do.
Make a deal with an actual devil so that I can then do homework in secret.
And by the way, you're not my friends, man.
We've known each other for, like, a week.
You know it's more than that.
We've been through some version of this 800 different times.
And who cares that it's only been a week? How long do you have to know someone before you - do the right thing? - Nine weeks, minimum.
- Okay.
- Look, bro, I don't owe you anything.
I gotta do what's right for me.
You can come with me if you want.
I got another mop we can put in the bed.
Good luck.
[melancholy music] I got a couple more questions.
Sure.
Take your time.
We're not in a hurry or anything.
How many times in all the reboots did I ask Chidi for help, he refused to help me and then I had to get better on my own? Never.
He always helped you.
God.
- Really? - Yep.
No matter how I set it up, you found him, confessed you didn't belong, asked him for help, and he said yes.
Now his agreeing to help was part of my plan.
What wasn't part of my plan was it actually working.
Drove me nuts.
Pesky little nerd.
Stuck with you and always helped you overcome your biggest problem.
Assuming that's my selfishness.
No.
No, no, no.
It's that you never found a haircut that framed your face properly.
- Yes, your selfishness.
- I'm not that selfish.
Eleanor, your cocaine and escape train are ready.
- Not now.
- Okay.
I think Michael is a liar.
I think there's a 99% chance he's forking with us.
But he's asking us for help, so we should help him.
Because that's what Chidi would do.
That's what Chidi would do for me or for any of us.
- It's what I am doing.
- I know.
It's just you're talking about me like I'm not here or something and that just makes me feel weird.
All right.
We're all in.
We'll help you.
You finally listened to reason.
On one condition.
You wanna be on our team, you gotta be on our team.
Which means the professor over here is gonna give us all lessons on how to be better people.
Including you.
Oh, no.
No, I won't be taking any classes.
I'm an immortal being with abilities you can only dream Yeah, and we're in Arizona, dirtbag.
A human turtleneck, a narcissistic monster, and literally the dumbest person I've ever met.
And who am I? Describe me now.
We are all going to take classes.
We are all going to improve.
And the second you betray us, I walk into Vicky's stinky chowder restaurant and tell her everything.
You agree to those terms, and you can join us on Team Cockroach.
So what's it gonna be? You're running out of time.
And we're your only option.
[chuckles] So it's all frozen yogurt places now, huh? Yeah, yogurt was what we started with.
A lot of us like the first version best so we went back to 322 perfectly matched human souls, blended together in a blissful, harmonic balance.
- Well done.
- I've only given this opening day tour to you like, 800 times.
Hey, how's this for my oh-my-God-I'm-in-Heaven face? - Not bad.
- Right? I'm a pretty good liar.
Now I wanna introduce someone that you're gonna get to know very well.
She was the top point getter, so she'll be helping me out around the neighborhood, kind of like your mayor.
Vicky Sengupta! [applause] Vicky, would you like to say a few words? Actually, Michael, I'd like to sing a few words.
Janet, hit it.
[Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive"] At first I was afraid, I was petrified Kept thinking I could never live Without you by my side We should have a few hours to ourselves.
Vicky's working on her performance for the welcome party tonight.
It looks like pretending to enjoy her singing is gonna be half our job here.
I got her to tell me how she was gonna torture you at the party, which is basically the same way I did.
Eleanor gets drunk, hogs all the shrimp, insults people, etcetera.
Whatever bad stuff you do becomes the basis for the chaos tomorrow morning.
Okay, okay.
So my job is to get drunk and insult people.
I think I can hack that.
Now, Chidi, I'm gonna need you to act nervous and embarrassed by Eleanor.
- Way ahead of you.
- Tahani, just be your fabulous self.
And Jason, you're good old silent Jianyu the monk.
So I told Vicky that I would handle the surveillance on the four of you.
That'll let us meet each day for Chidi's ethics lessons, which will apparently include me.
Even though that's transparently insane.
Cool.
And, um, Janet, you're not gonna - rat us out, right? - Well, Jason, I've been thinking about this a lot over the last 1.
3 milliseconds, I'm not allowed to lie, but my purpose is to make humans happy.
And since you're the only actual humans here, I'm on board for whatever fun little schemes you guys come up with.
Okay, bring it in.
Team huddle.
The Bad Place is about to be outsmarted by a cowardly traitor, four dum-dums, - and a robot.
- Not a robot.
We can do this.
Team Cockroach on three.
One, two, three.
- All: Team Cockroach! - Bobcats! I still think that's better.