The Good Place (2016) s02e09 Episode Script

Best Self

1 Okay.
I don't know about you guys, but I say we leave this miserable shirthole.
Now wait.
Wait.
Not so fast.
Now getting to the Good Place is pretty tricky.
There's no train to catch.
I have to design a complicated, unique, transportation vehicle.
- Is it Optimus Prime? - What? I can't believe we get to ride a real-life Optimus Prime.
I call right nipple! That's shotgun on Optimus Prime.
Look.
This vehicle, which is decidedly not Optimus Prime - Aw! - Has never been built before.
So I'm gonna need a few days to do this.
Dude, we just escaped by the skin of our teeth.
And any second now, Shawn is gonna realize that we are not at Mindy St.
Clair's.
So whatever this magical Good Place-mobile is, now's the time to whip it out, B.
I agree.
And although I believe I've asked - you this question already - There is no business class.
Michael, they're right.
We gotta go.
[SCREEN BEEPING] Oh [MUMBLES] Okay.
Here goes nothing.
Janet, if you would.
And presto! Oops.
Forgot to log in first.
Gotta answer my security question.
What was the name of your childhood pet? Korzoth, the ten-headed dog-spider.
And presto! [WARM MUSIC] - Dope.
- We did it, guys.
We won.
We're going to The Good Place in a fricking gold balloon.
- Shotgun! - It's a hot air balloon.
What does that even mean? Top of the balloon.
Ultimate shotgun.
[MELLOW MUSIC] So many memories of this place.
Eating frozen yogurt, and then having diarrhea, and then eating more frozen yogurt, and then more diarrhea.
Maybe I should've realized this wasn't the Good Place 'cause of all the diarrhea.
Maybe you shouldn't be eating all of that frozen yogurt right now.
We're about to be on a balloon, man.
What do you think our new home will be like? I'm picturing Hawaiian beach, unlimited mai tais, and a phone.
Ugh, I miss my phone so much.
I bet I have so many texts.
I just want us all to be together.
Separate houses, obviously.
Large lawns.
I'd have a tasteful moat.
I don't care where I live, as long as they have more of this frozen yogurt.
- Why? Why? - An unlimited library.
All of my philosophy heroes walking around, waiting to be engaged in rigorous intellectual debate, and I hope that library is air-conditioned, because we are going to be working up quite a sweat.
Oh! And soul mates! I hope they're real.
I mean, you know for all of us.
I hope everyone gets someone special.
Good news! We've got a handle on the controls.
Who's ready to go balloonin'? Okay, I think we figured it out.
[SCREEN BEEPS] I pieced together this design from a number of ancient manuscripts, which Janet will now interpret for you.
The balloon will only transport those who have attained self-realization.
Each traveler will step upon the scale, and her soul shall be weighed.
If she's the best version of herself, it will permit her to board.
If not, passage will be denied.
Cool.
Cool.
Cool.
We got this.
I don't know about you guys, but I am definitely the best version of myself.
I know a shirt-ton about ethics now, 'cause I studied.
And I read books that weren't even written by the Real Housewives.
Relax, everyone.
We're all gonna be fine.
[TENSE MUSIC] - [SCALE CHIMES] - Oh! Oh, man.
I didn't believe anything I was saying.
I just whoo! In I go.
[SCALE CHIMES] Well, I mean - [SCALE CHIMES] - Oh dip! - [SCALE TOOTS] - Aw, nuts! It's okay! The pattern is green, green, green, red.
Remember that when it starts up again.
I'm sorry, everyone.
I just have some worries as well as some concerns that could potentially turn into outright fears.
Wow, there they go.
They're fears now.
Okay, I know this mood.
Come with us, Dr.
Freakout.
That was a joke.
We are actually very good friends.
Okay, here's the thing.
That balloon wants us to be the best version of ourselves.
But for the four of us, that's not just a metaphor.
There have literally been 802 different versions of us.
And how do I know that this version is the best version of myself? How do I know it's not version #85, or 322, or 558? Or 69, or 420? And then you get into the whole idea of consciousness.
And I mean just forget about best.
And what version of Chidi is even real? What happens here? Does he eventually tire himself out? Usually, but this one seems to be getting stronger as he goes on.
And this Chidi is an imposter! Okay.
This is pretty simple, bud.
You've been our teacher this whole time.
And we are much better because of you.
If we're the best versions of ourselves, which that balloon just proved, then you definitely are.
So in a way, it doesn't matter if I was better in version 492 or whatever, because the best version of me is just as much about my effect on the world around me as it is about my own egocentric self-image.
I really meant that much to you guys? Of course you did.
Now let's get you back on that scale, dorkus.
[CHUCKLES] Chidi, ready to try again? Yeah.
All right.
- [SCALE CHIMES] - Yeah! Yeah! - [SCALE CHIMES] - Yeah.
- [SCALE CHIMES] - Dope! - [SCALE TOOTS] - Oh! Chidi got in my head.
It's just that thing Chidi said about previous versions of myself.
It's screwing me up.
But I can fix it.
I stole this from your house the first night we were here.
Okay.
Should be the best version of myself now.
- [SCALE TOOTS] - [GROANS] Come on, scale.
Be cool.
Guys, we're just not ready.
I think we should regroup and try again tomorrow.
Hang on.
I know the answer.
I know why I'm not my best self.
Do you remember that version of me from the tape of us at Mindy's? Where I was vulnerable and emotional and honest? That Eleanor is a better Eleanor than this one.
And that is not an easy thing for me to say, "You're not better than me" was my yearbook quote.
Michael, can you tell us a little bit about that version? Reboot number 119.
All the restaurants were kabob places.
You had a pet lizard which I made poop on you all the time.
No, can you tell us more about Chidi's and my relationship from that version? Right.
Sorry.
Well, you got really into ethics, and you spent a lot of time together.
Once you handed him a tissue right before he sneezed, and that simple act of anticipating his needs made him fall for you.
One night you took a walk along the lake, and you had your first kiss, which: Gross.
Kissing is gross.
You just mash your food holes together.
It's not for that.
Anyway, it just you know bloomed after that.
Look, there are obviously some undealt-with issues here.
I propose that everyone who was green go ahead and board the magic balloon, and set out to the Good Place.
Sort of like an advance team.
We'll put our names in or book a table.
However it works.
And then we'll send back the magical balloon for the red light people later on.
It's a perfect plan.
[SCALE TOOTS] No! It's not working! It probably thinks I'm Eleanor.
It is I, Tahani.
In case you were wondering, I am by definition the best version of myself, because my operating system is always updating.
I'm not sure that's true, Janet.
You still haven't talked to Jason about your romantic baggage, and the three of you are in some sort of weird love triangle.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Also, love isn't a triangle.
It's a five dimensional blob, so Okay.
If you're so perfect, step on the scale.
Fine.
[SCALE TOOTS AND POPS] Ooh, I think I broke it.
No! My beautiful balloon scale! It's not yours.
No, no, please stop fighting.
Oh man.
This stinks.
I'm having this feeling where what is it called? You know, where you you did a thing and you're sad after it? After-sad? Is that no.
You humans have so many emotions! You only need two: Anger and confusion! Michael, what's going on? The problem isn't any of you.
This whole balloon thing is a fake.
The truth is, I have no idea how to get into the Good Place and I never have! Well, Michael's right.
I'm angry and confused.
So months ago, when you said you had this whole complicated plan for getting us to the Good Place It was a lie.
I assumed if I bought myself some time, I could figure out a way in.
Guys, I tried a billion different ways.
Not an exaggeration! I actually tried one billion and twelve different plans.
But the only way into the Good Place is by being a good person on Earth.
This is unforgivable.
How many times can you betray us? I'm sorry.
I really am, because while I was searching for a way to get in, I was also taking your ethics classes, learning why it was bad to lie.
So not only did I fail at getting us into the Good Place, I also learned the error of my ways.
Real rock bottom for a demon, I'll tell you.
But this was not torture.
I was stalling! So I could keep searching for a way in.
I would've been happy if you were to live in this neighborhood forever, but then Shawn came and just ruined the whole thing.
So what happens now? Shawn will eventually figure out you're not at Mindy's, and he'll realize that someone on the inside was helping you.
So you'll go to the real Bad Place forever, and I will be be retired.
You're you're mad at me.
I'm not mad.
I'm just disappointed.
Oh, come on.
Everyone knows that's worse.
So this really is the end.
Completely out of options, are we? Not completely out of options.
We can do what the Shellstrops have always done when the chips are down.
Ignore our problems, and drink heavily.
Janet! A million bottles of your finest booze, please! [AL GREEN'S "I WISH YOU WERE HERE" PLAYING] - You all right? - Kind of.
I asked Michael if I could pop the giant balloon, and he said no.
Then I asked if I could suck the helium out of it to make my voice sound funny so it cheers everyone up, and he just kind of sighed and walked away.
So I guess that one is still on the table.
Are you and me cool? Not exactly.
I think perhaps given everything, it's best we end our relationship.
It's probably about time I stopped relying on others for my sense of self-worth or happiness.
You know my whole life, whenever I encountered any obstacles, I would simply say, "I would like to speak to a manager.
" But in our relationship, there was no manager.
There was no one who could fix this for me except me.
My mom was a manager at a pet store.
Does that help? No, and please don't launch into one of your long stories - She got fired after I - Please, no.
Robbed the pet store where she worked.
- Please, please, Jason.
- We actually - robbed it together.
- No, no, no.
Long story short, it was all a dream.
Thank you, Jason, for making this moment a little easier for me.
["SITTING IN LIMBO" BY JIMMY CLIFF PLAYS] Dude, he's where I'm at.
- Feelings are stupid.
- Yeah.
Who needs 'em? But, uh, in case feelings aren't stupid, and in the case that we are eternally doomed, I thought it might be worth mentioning that I do Have feelings for you.
And I know you don't feel the same way.
And although that fills me with anger and confusion Wow.
Michael was right on the money.
I just wanted you to know the truth.
You are I mean Oh, no.
Don't say anything.
Don't.
I want to.
I want to.
Here's the thing about me.
You know the sound that a fork makes in the garbage disposal? That's the sound that my brain makes all the time.
It's just this constant grinding about things I'm afraid of or things that I want or want to want or want to want to Is it grinding in there right now, bud? Yep, but the point is the circumstances under which me met are completely insane.
And that just makes the grinding harder.
I just wish we met the way normal people meet.
Like at a philosophy conference, or after one of my philosophy lectures.
Or you came knocking on my office door asking for help with philosophy.
Is that how you think people meet? I don't know how normal people meet.
You're such a nerd.
[CLINKING GLASS] Attention, everyone.
We may not know exactly which version of ourselves was technically our best self, but you know what? I like who we are right now.
To this version of us.
To the good people we've all become.
Oh, and to Eleanor, our unofficial leader.
You pack a lot of heart and grit into that diminutive frame.
Like a scrappy little auto mechanic.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me, babe.
And I'll take it.
- And to Janet, the best robot.
- Not a robot.
- Girl.
- Not a girl.
- And straight up hottie.
- I am attractive, yes.
Any of us could have ever asked for.
Thanks, guys.
Because of the way we were conceived of and created, Janets don't typically give speeches.
Oh, she's done.
She's not gonna give a speech.
Okay.
Cool.
Ooh! One more toast.
To Michael! - Michael! - Whoo-whoo! Hoo-hoo! Who is easily the best version of himself.
Granted, the bar was low.
He is a demon.
But he made a mistake and admitted he was wrong, which makes him better than 90% of all humans.
And you know what, it wasn't really Michael's fault.
We weren't getting into the Good Place anyway.
I mean, look at us.
A self-obsessed socialite, a ridiculous giraffe, an absurd British aristocrat, a narcissistic attention seeker.
- Are these all me? - Yes.
I was gonna do eight for you, and one for everyone else.
The point is Michael, we forgive you.
I mean, at least you tried to find a way to the Good Place.
And that's the greatest thing someone can do, just try your best.
So we hereby name you an honorary human.
And we would like to present you with this human starter kit.
Car keys! So I could lose them, and say, "Has anyone seen my car keys?" I can do that you know that thing where [LAUGHS] Thank you! And Band-Aids for your stupid, fragile bodies.
Oh, and look at this.
A stress ball with a dumb corporate logo.
Oh, I can't wait to keep finding this and then almost throw it away, and then think, "No, I'll use it.
" [LAUGHTER] Oh, guys.
A Dr.
Oz diet book because you're all such suckers.
This is all garbage that I have no real use for.
That's right.
Welcome to being human, buddy.
To Michael! [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING] [LORDE'S "GREEN LIGHT" PLAYS] [NAT KING COLE'S "UNFORGETTABLE" PLAYS] Unforgettable That's what you are - You don't remember? - No.
- Of course you don't! - That's mean! That was version one! [LAUGHING] [SCREEN CHIMES] Michael, there's a message coming in from Shawn.
"Finish shutting everything down.
"Sending train first thing tomorrow.
"Humans will be captured and tortured soup.
"Sorry.
Autocorrect.
Soon.
"Although weirdly, "I did just finish turning someone into soup.
So random.
Okay.
Bye.
" [SCREEN CHIMES] What do you guys think the Bad Place is going to be for you? I'll probably go to a Skrillex concert.
And I'll be waiting for the bass drop, and it it'll never come.
For me it'll be camping.
Like, I'll just always be camping.
I'm pretty good at turning every place I go into my personal hell, so I think they'll have a lot of options for me.
Mine will obviously be an eternity spent in the Swiss Alps.
That sounds amazing.
In Autumn.
The off-season.
Yeah.
Still fine.
You'd be fine.
Who are we kidding? You'll probably be running the place in like a week.
She'll be like, "Oh, hibbledy-dibbledy, This simply won't do.
I demand to speak to your manager.
" - Again! Again! - "Your manager.
" [LAUGHTER] Of course! That's it.
We should speak to the manager.
Wait, you said that there was a judge who decides on disputes between the Good Place and the Bad Place, right? Some sort of head honcho I could pace in front of and plead our case to and maybe even wag a finger at disapprovingly.
I thought about that.
It's a non-starter.
Judge rarely hears cases.
And the only way to get to the Judge's office is through a portal, and we can never get to that.
Why not? We'd have to walk through the actual Bad Place, in plain sight, without getting caught.
Reach and pass through the portal, Convince the judge to hear us out, even though we didn't go through the proper channels.
And then somehow win our unwinnable case.
[BURPS] Okay.
Let's do it.
You're serious? Yeah! What do we have to lose? All I've ever really wanted was to know what it feels like to be human, and now we're going to do the most human thing of all: attempt something futile with a ton of unearned confidence and fail spectacularly! Get up! Get up! Everyone.
Get rest tonight.
First thing tomorrow, we're going to the Bad Place.
We had a lot of good times together.
I'll see you in the next life.
Good-bye, clowns.
Goodbye, modernist architecture that I was too trashy to appreciate.
Good-bye, house.
Good-bye, house.
[ENGINE HISSING] What up, idiot? This is the 8:22 express to Bad Place Headquarters.
We'd like to begin the boarding process with our first-class fat dinks.
And there is no overhead storage, so if you have any bags, why don't you just go ahead and place them up your fat butts? Sorry about this, Bad Janet.
Sorry about what, you fat dink? This was your life's work.
Are you okay with leaving the fake Good Place behind? As long as I'm with you guys, I'm always in the fake Good Place.
That doesn't sound as nice as you think it does.
The real Bad Place was the friends we made along the way.
Nope.
Still nonsense.
One more try.
In a way, the Good Place was inside the Bad Place all along? You know what? That's technically true.
- I'm gonna give it to you.
- [LAUGHS] I just made an aphorism.
Hit it, Janet! Next stop, the actual Bad Place! [WHIRRING] [MELANCHOLY MUSIC]