The Good Place (2016) s03e03 Episode Script

The Snowplow

1 [suspenseful music] [door whooshes] Okay.
That was an insane thing for us to do.
Oh! Okay, good news.
I have The Doorman's key, so no one will be able to come after us.
- Let's just try to - [telephone ringing noise] [ringing] Your key is ringing.
[electrical warbling] I have a question for you.
Are you out of your damn mind? Your Honor, look at it from my point of view.
I have never been this angry in my life, which is the age of the universe! I understand, but saving the souls of these four humans is more important, so we're not coming back until we do.
Oh, don't you even try coming back here, because when you walk through that door, I am gonna be waiting for you.
Sorry, Judge, I think you're breaking up.
That's impossible.
It's a magical key, you dick.
What are you doing? I can see you.
- [door shuts] - This is perfect.
We're right near Chidi's office, and as far as I can tell, the whole floor is abandoned.
What do they use it for? Storage? No, this is the journalism department.
Huh, bad for the world, good for us.
So somehow, with none of our powers, we have to keep the group intact and monitor their ethical progress.
[jaunty music] - So how how do we do that? - Not sure.
There's no way to track people's actual point totals.
Only the Accountants have that information.
But I did install cameras and microphones, so at least we can keep our eye on them.
- Let's get peeping! - Oh! Oh, no.
Not a great start.
Eleanor farted, and then she blamed it on her chair.
That's gonna cost her at least a few points.
There's a bolt missing, or something.
Before we begin, Trevor is dropping out of the study.
He sent me an email last night.
"I'm sad to inform you that I am too ugly and stupid to be in the study and I'm going home to my mommy.
" That was me.
I wrote that email.
It's too bad, but we press on.
We're on to Stage Two of the study.
I'm going to teach you some philosophical principles, and then, we will explore how those ideas have affected your personal moral machineries.
[soft fart] Sorry, Eleanor, did you say something? No, it's my chair.
It's got this weird design.
- Your chair smells bad.
- I know.
See, another person who agrees it's the chair.
Great news, everyone.
The funding from the neuroscience department - came through.
- Oh! And you blew it all on cupcakes? Exactly what I would have done.
- Eleanor? - Uh, I'm good.
I try to avoid pointless group activities, you know? Like office Christmas parties or jury duty.
To me, the single most awful sound in the universe is that mangled opening note of your co-worker singing "Happy Birthday.
" Cool stance.
Counterpoint: these are delicious, free cupcakes.
- Get over yourself and eat one.
- Fine.
Oh, you guys, let's take a picture.
Everyone, get in, get in, and say, uh oh, say "ventromedial pre-frontal cortex.
" [all stammering] Ventromedial pre-frontal Jaguars rule! [soft dramatic music] Hey, teach, I've been having so much fun here, but I didn't plan to stay in Australia this long, and I'm super broke.
Any idea where I can get a part-time gig? What kind of work are you looking for? Well, I'm really good at telemarketing.
I can usually guess how long to microwave food without looking at the box.
I'd say those are my two main skills.
- Okay.
- Dang it.
I'll see what I can do.
If Eleanor has to get a job, she'll miss class, and that will slow down her progress.
Are you sure we should be doing this? It kind of feels like cheating.
No, no, no.
It's it's not cheating.
Think of us as a snowplow, clearing a path for Eleanor so she can more easily drive along the road of improvement.
Ooh, I love that.
You really painted a picture there.
How can I help you? One scratch-off lottery ticket, please.
Oh, not that one.
Keep going.
Keep going, keep going.
These tickets were printed before we got down here.
I know which ones are the winners.
And stop, that's the one.
Good old lucky number 186 from the bottom.
Here you go.
Also, that bathroom key that you lost nine months ago slid under the register, and the woman that you think is your aunt is actually your mom.
Okay, bye.
You guys, this is nuts.
This morning, I found a lottery ticket on the ground outside my apartment, I scratched it off, and I won $18,000! - Wow! - That's amazing! Better luck next time.
Yes, sorry, from context, I see that is actually a large sum of money.
[pop] Jason? Are you okay there, mate? No.
I have to watch the Jaguars games alone on my computer at like, 3:00 in the morning on Mondays.
It's so annoying.
Everything here is in a I don't know how to describe it.
Like, a different zone of time.
No, that sounds stupid.
A different clock land.
I'll watch the game with you, Jason.
I enjoy American football.
I actually dated a player once.
But he wasn't my type, so I set him up with my friend, Gisele Bundchen.
Yeah, we got it.
We always get it.
Awesome, but if you want to watch with me, you have to learn my Jaguars cheer.
It goes: "Let's go Jags.
Kick their ass, yeah!" Do you think you could learn that by the weekend? - I shall do my best.
- Nice, see you then.
Why do you want to watch football with Jason? I don't, really, but I am, these days, as you might say in America, mad horny.
- Oh, okay.
- Oh, boy.
Well, no judgments, babe.
He's a straight hottie.
You want to smash Jason, go smash.
Tahani getting together with Jason, even casually, could tear this group apart.
We have to nip this in the bud.
Well, it makes me slightly uneasy to interfere in the personal life of the man that I'm secretly in love with, and a woman I admire, but if you think we should, I I'm not going to argue.
Time to break out the old snowplow again, Janet.
Let's find Tahani a loving, supportive companion.
- Great idea.
- Oh, you know? This is not as crucial to the mission, but I'd also love to arrange for them to get better computers.
Help them work faster.
If I'm going to the mall anyway, I might as well pick Jason up some jean shorts.
The kind with the frayed edges where you can see the pockets coming out of the bottom.
So that he can study better.
[soft whimsical music] [indistinct chatter] Tahani, is that you? Larry Hemsworth? My goodness.
That's so funny, I just got a call from the restaurant about a jacket I left here, and now, here you are.
[both laugh] I can't believe you remember me.
Of course I remember you.
We dated.
I know, I just never expect anyone to remember me.
Because I'm only 6'4" and I have one of those forgettable faces.
Well, uh, I'm sure you're busy.
Probably don't want to talk to me.
I get it, I wouldn't either.
I'm as dull as a rock.
Ugh, even that analogy was boring.
I'm sorry, I'm so dull, and I'm ugly.
I'm like a rock.
Ugh, stupid Larry! - Stop talking about rocks! - No, no, no, Larry, please.
It's lovely to see you.
Sit down, let's catch up.
How are Chris and Liam and Luke? - [sighs] - Sorry, no, I won't mention your brothers again.
As long as you don't mention my sister.
Oh! [both laugh] Mmm-mm.
Who are you? Do you work here? Your name is Montgomery Wycoff.
Your ex-wife, Samantha, still loves you, but she's afraid to call.
You must show her your poetry.
Go to her.
Go to her! [soft whimsical music] Looks like you had a good night.
- I did.
- You and Jason.
Imagine that.
To be fair, I have.
Actually, I was with an ex-boyfriend.
I ran into him unexpectedly.
The reunion was a smash-ing success.
It was a pun, you see.
The we had intercourse.
- Yeah, again, I always get it.
- I do feel bad, though.
I completely forgot about watching the game with Jason.
Homies, guess what? Yesterday, I got a Facebook invite to the Australia chapter of the Jacksonville Jaguars fan club! Yeah, I think he's over it.
Me and two other dudes just watched the Jags annihilate the Texans! It was super fun! I'm completely wasted.
I got to go barf one last time, and then I'll be ready to learn philosophy! Dude! [yells] Okay, not perfect, but the pros outweigh the cons.
[soft whimsical music] [together] Happy birthday dear Chidi You guys, this whole year has been amazing for all of us.
I mean, literally every aspect of our lives has improved.
Well, I don't know about every aspect.
SuperBoard, activate! Good morning, professor Anagonye.
I have your lesson plan ready to go.
SuperBoard, some triumphant announcement music, please.
[triumphant announcement music] Last night, Larry Hemsworth proposed to me, and we're moving back to London to begin planning the wedding.
- Whoa! - Holy smokes! Janet, red alert.
All snowplowing has to stop immediately.
So don't give Blake Bear-tles to Jason? How are you even lugging this thing around? I'm not sure I could bench this much weight.
Well, girls in my social class begin ring training at a very young age.
Oh, I'm throwing a little engagement party tonight at my AirBnB.
It's very last-minute.
Just come as you are.
[elegant string music] I guess all these people came as they were? Hello, everyone.
I'm so glad you made it.
Holy crap, Tahani.
You found this place on AirBnB? Oh, no.
I see why you're confused.
I used "HeirBnB.
" H-E-I-R.
It's an app for heirs and heiresses where we swap mansions, private islands, blimp hangars, that sort of thing.
Anyway, everyone, I want you to meet Larry Hemsworth.
Oh, the legendary study group.
I'm sorry it's taken me so long to build up the courage to meet you.
I guess you can see why.
Is he ashamed at having a perfect jaw line, and 0% body fat? Still can't believe she wants to marry me.
A dumb old pediatric surgeon who barely has an 8-pack.
Do you know what you look like? More importantly, did Miley Cyrus write the song "Wrecking Ball" about Chris's brother, Liam? Wonderful.
More questions about my talented brothers.
God forbid there's a single day when I'm the special one.
No, sweetheart, don't go.
You're important, too! Fixing babies' spines is just as valuable as acting.
Tahani booked a flight for tomorrow morning, so this party is our only chance to talk them out of moving.
Maybe we should just let them go their separate ways, and hope that they learned enough to get into the Good Place.
No, we know what'll happen.
The group splits up, they're screwed, no.
We have to isolate Larry, and convince him that he needs to stay in Australia.
Time to get into character as [Australian accent] Nathaniel Cookswell, mate.
- Caterer to the stars! - Ah.
Maybe no accent.
[normal voice] Fine.
Vegemite canapé? Ah, might as well.
[sighs] Mummy was right.
I'll always be the chubby one.
[Australian accent] Good day, mate! Nathaniel Cookswell.
- Caterer to the stars.
- Mm.
Is it true you're moving to England? - Yeah, I fly out tomorrow.
- Oh, ooh, that's a long trip.
Boy, you must be a confident man.
Uprooting your life like that.
You should stay here in Sydney.
It's such a dynamic, international city that you've only seen 4.
8% of.
I reckon I know what's going on here.
You aren't real caterers, are you? - Uh uh uh - [exhaling] Who do you work for? "Australian Inquirer"? TM-Zed? You just want us to stay here so you can keep mocking me.
The hideous shame of the Hemsworth family.
- Oh.
- Tahani sees through all that.
And I can't wait until we move far away from the likes of you, and I can finally take her last name.
Hate to say it, but the group probably needs a new member.
I don't know how we'll ever replace Tahani.
Do you think Margot Robbie is into philosophy? Actually, Tahani's announcement made us take stock.
You know, Simone and I need time to analyze the data, apply for grants.
We've kind of hit a natural stopping point.
Yeah, and the next step would be to repeat the experiment with new subjects, you know, compare results.
Wait, what are you saying? That the study's over? We're splitting up? No, no, no, we're just taking a break, for a year or so.
And I'm sure you're all anxious to get back home.
Yeah, I got a lot of stuff to get back to in Phoenix.
Like I have a free punch card at my spray tan place.
They'll do my left side for free, so.
[somber music] No, no, no, no, no! The whole group is splintering.
Okay, new emergency plan.
I'll deal with Eleanor.
I I know it's risky, but I don't think she'll recognize me.
And I'll deal with Sweet Cheeks I mean, Jason's butt I mean, Jason.
[scoffs] [suspenseful music] - Shrimp? - Always.
So how do you know Miss Al-Jamil? You work with her at the university? Used to.
That study is done-zo.
I was finally starting to figure things out, and now, I have to start over from scratch, again.
Boy, I know how that goes, not wanting something to end, feeling like your little team is the last thing standing between you and oblivion, that at any moment, the universe could fold up around you, and squeeze the last breath from your dying lungs.
You're a caterer, right? It's a very competitive industry.
The point is, I bet that if the study means that much to you, it means a lot to everyone else.
You're all just probably waiting for someone to say it out loud.
You want some cocktail sauce with that? [clinking glass] I would like to acknowledge the wonderful group of people who brought me here.
If I hadn't decided to get out of the spotlight of my "Get Out of the Spotlight" tour, and come here, and joined the Brainy Bunch, I never would have reconnected with Larry.
[crowd aww's] So, to celebrate our group, I had my favorite patissier whip this up.
[soft giggle] Would any of you like to say a few words? Eleanor! - [crowd applauds] - Yay, Eleanor.
If nobody minds.
Uh, I would like to address the people on this cake, I suppose.
I get that we all have meaningful lives outside this study.
Well, Tahani and Chidi do.
Jason and I are straight trash.
[caws] But just, I mean, think about how much progress we've all made since that picture was taken.
I know that what we're doing is important, and I'm not ready to stop.
And I don't think you guys are, either.
So let's all stay here and keep it going.
What do you say? Eleanor, that was absolutely lovely.
It really was, and I'm I'm so glad that this study meant that much to you.
- But, realistically - That's cool, I get it.
No, you don't need to say it.
I I got it.
- That's all she wrote, cool.
- Are you okay? - I hope you're not mad.
- No, I'm not mad.
I'm actually laughing, because this whole study was a hilarious, stupid, pointless joke, and now it's over, so let's hit the road.
I don't need you guys.
You don't need me.
And since you don't need me, I'm just going to take the "me" out of this cake.
- No, no.
- [all gasp] Eleanor, please! [mocking accent] Oh, sorry, the deed is done.
Pip pip, too late.
Farewell to you, my liege.
And a jolly good Saint Ploopington's Day to all of you.
[normal voice] USA! USA! USA! [soft whimsical music] Eleanor? Is that you? No.
I called a cab like, 20 minutes ago.
It says it's ten kilometers away, which is I don't even know how far.
It's a little over six miles.
Is that why you came out here? To scold me about the metric system? No, I was about to call a cab myself.
I have an early class tomorrow.
Then, I saw my friend hiding behind a plant, and I got concerned.
Then, my friend lashed out at me again, so I'm gonna take off, and uh, leave her here with dirty leaves in her hair.
Wait, wait, wait-wait-wait.
- Wait-wait, I'm sorry.
- [bottle clanks] I'm sorry.
Don't go.
You're a brain scientist.
Can you tell me why I did that in there? I mostly do clinical research in neuroscience.
I don't really specialize in temper tantrums.
Maybe you need a child psychologist.
Or a binky.
That's a solid burn.
I deserved it, I did.
But please, can you help me? Why did I do that? Okay, here's my guess.
As humans evolved, the first big problem we had to overcome was "me versus us.
" Learning to sacrifice a little individual freedom for the benefit of a group.
You know, like sharing food and resources so we don't starve or get eaten by tigers, things like that.
Okay, with you so far.
The next problem to overcome was "us versus them," trying to see other groups different from ours as equals.
That one, we're still struggling with.
That's why we have racism and nationalism and why fans of Stone Cold Steve Austin hate fans of The Rock.
No, we hate The Rock because he went Hollywood, and Stone Cold keeps it real, so The Rock's fans are the real jabronis.
Point made.
Keep going.
Well, what's interesting about you is I don't think you ever got past the "me versus us" stage.
I mean, have you ever been part of a group that you really cared about? - I was in the Girl Scouts.
- Really? Technically, I joined under a fake name because I wanted to steal a bunch of cookies.
See, the Brainy Bunch is basically the first group that became part of your self-identity.
And now that's breaking up, you're feeling this new kind of loss, and you're scared of going back to being alone.
I mean, that's just my guess.
The other possible medical diagnosis is that you're just a bit of a dick.
[both laugh] [bright music] Why don't you take my cab? I think me needs to go apologize to us.
And thank you.
[exhales] The point is, I'm not really an "I'm sorry" type girl.
I'm more of a "it's your fault your car got keyed "in the movie theatre parking lot because you wouldn't shut up while watching 'John Wick'" type girl.
But I'm sorry that I freaked out.
I'm just really going to miss you guys.
- We're going to miss you, too.
- Here's an idea.
What if we all agree to a yearly reunion? And then that way, the Brainy Bunch never dies.
Each summer, we can all stay in one of our respective houses, mega-yachts, ski chalets, what have you.
We should all meet up in Jacksonville.
My house is right on the water.
It didn't used to be, but the whole city is a swamp, and it's sinking into the ocean.
Whoo, strong pitch, bud.
Next year in Jacksonville.
Uh, we might not want to wait a whole year.
It's sinking really fast.
- We should have a toast.
- [exhales] Okay, I think I've figured out a plan where they stay in Australia, and only five random bystanders get hurt.
- It's called arson.
Let's go.
- [torch clicks, whooshes] Michael, no.
We can't keep meddling forever.
It's time to park the snowplow and trust that the humans will make progress on their own.
This isn't like your afterlife neighborhood, Michael.
You can't just reset things the moment something doesn't go according to your plan.
Oh, Janet.
You're a genius.
I know everything.
You just gave me this crazy idea.
It's so crazy, it just might fail.
It'll probably fail, but it also might work.
I open the door to the afterlife.
You keep a lookout, while I break into the Judge's chamber, and reset the timeline on Earth.
And we do it all over again, but correctly.
We won't wait a year to get them all together again.
We'll get the study going right away.
Do you even know how to reset the timeline on Earth? No, I'm assuming that there's, you know, a knob, or or a button, or you know, maybe you maybe you unplug it and then plug it right back in.
I I don't ca there's got to be a way.
- Michael, before you do this - No, no more waiting! This is all we have, Janet! We have Chidi and Eleanor and Tahani and Jason, and that is it.
If we can't get them enough afterlife points to get them into the Good Place, then there's no point in us even being here.
We have to try.
Let's do this.
[electrical warbling] What the hell is that? Oh.
[chuckles] Hey guys.
What are you doing down here?