The Graham Norton Show (2007) s07e03 Episode Script

Martin Clunes; Lee Mack; John Cleese; Jane Turner

Tonight on the show, four guests who have each starred in a brilliant sitcom.
To make them feel at home, let's give them a traditional bit of canned laughter.
Did you get that? Okay, we'll use it later.
Let's start the show! The Graham Norton show 7x03 John Cleese, Martin Clunes Lee Mack & Jane Turner oh! Very good! Hello! Hello, everyone! Welcome to the show.
I've got running shoes on.
I feel quite bouncy.
Very good -- now, listen, first of all, well done, everyone, for making it here tonight despite all that volcanic dust.
Oh, dear me.
There's mount eyjaf Did you wonder when was the last time something that unpleasant got ejected from Iceland? Now, ladies and gentlemen, what a show we have for you tonight.
We have a comedy legend in the building.
The fantastic John Cleese is here.
I know.
Isn't that -- I know! Really? Really? Seriously, he's back there! John Cleese, star of "Monty python," "A Fish Called Wanda, " and of course, the brilliant "Fawlty Towers.
" Yay, the "Fawlty Towers.
" Now, I have to say, I love hotels, I do.
Ooh, those Fluffy bathrobes.
I mean, not too Fluffy, 'cause then it's hard to close your suitcase, isn't it? And I find it quite difficult to go to hotels.
I'm always getting recognized.
"Aren't you the bloke that nicked the bathrobes?" Also here tonight, the star of "Doc Martin," Martin Clunes is on the show! I know! You love him? You love him? Now "Doc Martin, " it's a clever little pun on that famous brand of footwear.
Mind you, it's not the only tv show associated with leathery old boots.
Martin recently starred in the remake of "Reggie Perrin.
" Yeah, all about a man who has a midlife crisis, suddenly hates his job and dreams of having a fling with a woman he works with.
What does that remind me of? Oh, yes.
Yes, Adrian Chiles after GMTV.
Mind you, you think if he looks like that at 7:00 in the evening, imagine 7:00 in the morning.
Whoa! Also on the show tonight, star of the hit sitcom "Not Going Out," Lee Mack is here, ladies and gentlemen.
Yes, he is.
In "Not Going Out," Lee plays a man who spends all his time lusting after a woman who's completely out of his league.
Lee used to be a bluecoat atppontin's in Morecambe.
What must that have been like? Grim.
Still, I'm sure being a Pontin's bluecoat, I bet he had a pick of all the women.
Yeah.
Ohh.
Look at those come-to-bed cataracts.
Hey, and I'm so excited, because later on in the show, we'll be meeting one of Australia's best-loved stars.
Can you guess who it is yet? That's right, it's Kath from the hit Aussie sitcom "Kath and Kim"! I know! Jane Turner is on the show! Now, here she is in "Kath and Kim.
" This is her in "Kath and Kim.
" I just love that show.
Jane's first big role in Australian TV was actually a role in Cell Block H.
" Yeah, a show all about Australian convicts, or as we call them, Australians.
Oh, I know, we'll get letters.
But they'll take ages to arrive.
There's a volcano! Let's get some guests on! First, it's time to send in the Clunes.
It's Martin Clunes! Hey! Hello, sir.
Come sit down.
You're in the middle, I think.
There you go, sir.
And he's not going out because he's here tonight.
It's Lee Mack! You're very welcome, sir.
Sit yourself down.
But now, for something completely different, here's Mr.
John Cleese! I've just got to go get him.
Sorry, sir.
Sorry, sir.
Sorry, sir.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Yay! Here we go.
I'm all right.
John Cleese, ladies and gentlemen! You all right? Yeah, it's okay.
It's painful.
It's painful.
It's fine.
By the way, just to say, you're not permanently in that, you've just hurt your knee.
No, I was having dinner last night with Michael Palin, and I do not know why, but I got up to go to the loo, and I could hardly move.
You know, I was sort of grabbing on to things to try and get there in time.
And it was a very, very painful experience, and I've had people in today trying to figure out what I've done.
But the great thing is, Graham, I'm having it replaced.
I'm having a knee replacement surgery in three weeks.
I thought you meant Michael Palin replaced.
That's the thing about getting old, you know, having things drop off.
Did you plan to have it replaced anyway? I was having it replaced anyway, so it doesn't matter what happens to it now.
Yeah, hit him with a hammer.
Oh, don't.
Don't, don't, don't, don't.
Is that the old shrapnel? I've always wanted to say that.
Very good, very good.
Now, obviously, we're very glad you've all made it through the volcanic Ash, and in fact, very briefly, I just want to apologize to anyone who was tuning in to see rhythm and blues star Usher, who couldn't join us tonight.
Even though the flight paths were opening, it was too late, so he's going to join us later in the series.
Now, John, you, of course, you were in all the papers.
I couldn't believe that I was in the papers.
You know, headline - "man takes taxi.
" No! Really? In fairness, it was quite a long taxi ride.
Yes, it was, by European standards.
Left at 8:00 in the morning and got in at half past 2:00 the following morning.
Brussels.
Oslo to Brussels.
Oslo to Brussels, yeah.
You didn't hail that taxi, presumably.
No, it was one of the promoter's best friends from school who ran a taxi company.
And my promoter friend, kjetil Kristofferson, rang him up and said, "will you drive John Cleese?" Was there a lot of pressure in the first 10 minutes? 'Cause when I get in cabs, and I hear the first line of, "of course, there's too many foreigners in this country," I think, I've got half an hour of this.
You must have been thinking, I've got a day and a half if this doesn't work out.
And the other pressure is, at the end of that journey, given that we read it cost like £3,500, did you tip? I mean, 20 quid isn't going to do it, is it? No, and what I said to him was, "when I go back to Oslo, I want to take you and your wife out for dinner.
" And he said, "deal.
" That's a very good move.
Saves you money.
You know you're not going back to Oslo.
I'm going to have to try that one in my taxis.
Run me to Walthamstow, mate, bag of chips.
And, Martin, you weren't caught in the volcano, but you have -- the drama - you have been involved in an earthquake, haven't you? I was in an earthquake in Auckland in New Zealand, but I wasn't sure.
It was a very camp, I'd say, theatrical, borderline gay sort of hotel.
They were very nice.
They had opera singing in the bar with the waiters every night, and they were very kind to us.
But I was up there, and everything shook in the room, and I thought, that might have been You don't have a frame of reference for earthquakes.
I was going to ring down, say, "was that an earthquake?" But I thought, oh, they'll tease me.
So I didn't.
And it wasn't until I saw the paper the next day.
It was quite a biggie, too.
But did you think it was just a gay thing or something? The bedroom's shaking.
What can it mean? How rough does the sex get? I was a day boy.
I don't know these things.
Now, listen, you mentioned Oslo, and you were there because you were doing a stand-up tour.
Yeah.
Now, is it going everywhere, or just around Scandinavia? No, it's very interesting, and I want to know if this is the same for your show, for example, because what I've discovered is that British comedy goes incredibly well in Northern Protestant Europe.
Yeah.
Right? Scandinavia -- love it.
Holland -- love it.
Finland -- not so sure, but a bit.
Funnily enough, Belgium.
But once you get to France, they hardly know any of my stuff at all.
They don't know anything about -- But you're not shrugging.
How do we know you're funny? Wearing the black tights -- the black tights are funny.
The dead parrot is not enough.
Spain, they don't know.
So it's Northern Protestant Europe.
And I'm doing 25 shows in Norway, Sweden, and Denmark.
And now, you call the tour " The Alimony Tour.
" Is that a joke, or is it really to make money to pay -- yeah, it is, yes.
I mean, people are surprised by the figures, and I've given them before, but when Alyce Faye and I split up, she got $13 million, and I got to keep 8, but then, over the next seven years, I have to pay her a million dollars a year.
Wow.
I'm bitter on John's behalf.
She needs it.
You know, she needs it.
Yes.
Yes.
All I'm thinking is, and gays are fighting for this right? I've split up with people.
I still have a house.
Can I just say, this is actually a really upmarket version of " the Jeremy Kyle show.
" But then again, isn't everything? Following the divorce, you're now in a very happy place.
You're all loved up, aren't you? Yes, yes, I am.
I've found someone who is very age-inappropriate who is -- Oh, the old Gary glitter line.
Yes.
Older than that, I think we need to say.
Older than that.
Older than that, yes.
Jenny is 39, which is, you know, 31 years difference.
I mean, it is a disgrace.
As long as you didn't meet her when you were 40, everything's fine.
And how long have you been together? Only three or four months, but she is the most playful creature.
Is that how you hurt your knee? Nothing to do with Michael Palin and dinner, was it? So I just -- go back to Lee.
You're on tour at the moment.
Now, you haven't been - there's no divorce in your life.
No, I -- I'm sorry, John, it's going really well, the marriage.
Hey, John, this time Is she playful? How many -- you were doing 25 dates.
Yes.
And you're doing.
I'm doing 106.
Argh! Well, yeah, but I'm poorer than John.
Actually, after listening to his story, probably not.
No one's poorer than John.
One thing we know about Jenny is she's not after my money.
No, it's gone.
But your tour, you started planning it because there was no "Not Going Out" again.
Yes.
Your sitcom, "Not Going Out.
" Thanks for talking about the cancellation of my show.
It's a happy story because -- first, his divorce, now the cancellation of mine.
What about him? What are you going to say? Oh, we'll get to him! So, Martin, your dog's died.
He just did.
He's not died, has he? Yes.
Oh, he has? Son of a -- that was an example! I'm sorry! I can't believe you said that.
As it was coming out of my mouth, I changed it from "nan" to "dog," as well.
'Cause I thought, if his nan's died, it'll be a bit tense, so I'll say dog, dog's died.
No, that's terrible.
Moving on.
I'm trying to tell people your sitcom's coming back.
Sorry, yes, it is coming back.
Which is all very good.
Yes, it's great, because what happened was, basically, effectively, the I was going to say the sitcom was dead, but now it's alive.
It's wrong.
The sitcom was in the past, but we got another one that looked just like him.
I'm so sorry.
I can't think of a way out of this.
It was cancelled, and then I decided, well, I'm now unemployed.
I better go and do a 106-date tour.
And then it got recommissioned before day one of the tour.
So it's a bit stressful.
So I booked in a breakdown for August.
That's the plan.
I'm not going to watch your poxy sitcom, I'll tell you that.
And what's weird about talking about -- 'cause, obviously, you've got "Not Going Out, " "Men Behaving Badly," later on, Jane from "Kath and Kim" is coming on.
But it's hard to talk about any sitcom when, you know, Mr.
"Fawlty Towers" is sat here.
It's impossible, frankly.
Right.
Let's talk about something else.
But we need to talk about it a bit because You've never done the show before.
Well, no, because this is a fact - is this a fact? Because I was saying this to Lee, and he didn't believe me.
That we all know there were only 12 episodes, but is it true there was four years between series one and series two? Yes, because Connie and I got divorced.
How much was that? Cheaper.
She was so sweet.
I have dinner with her on Sundays, she's terrific.
She likes Jenny, too.
They're equally naughty.
Equally funny.
And she's -- she took very little money off me, but the point was we always got on terribly well, so we did do the first six, and then we got divorced, and then did the next six.
So you had four years to write it? No wonder it's so bloody good? Why don't we get that? You can take much longer to write it than anyone does normally, and the only reason "Fawlty Towers" really was good was that we used to take six weeks to write every episode.
And nobody takes six weeks to write an episode.
Most people take 10 days or a week.
And there must have been huge temptation to do series three.
No, none at all, because we knew we couldn't do -- we would fail because we'd put the bar too high.
And is the story true about that you still have the rejection letter? Oh, yes, it was wonderful.
When we handed the first script in, the guy who was in charge of evaluating scripts wrote this memo, and I have it framed, saying, "I have read this script, "and it is full of cliched situations "and stereotypical characters, and I cannot see it being anything other than a total disaster.
" What was his name? Who's that? Well, I won't say his name.
Let's have his name! Givf us his name, or I'll pinch your leg.
No.
Listen, very quickly, John, I do have a little favor to ask of you.
Because last week -- I don't know if you watched last week's show -- but Toni Collette was here, and she made a moving plea to prime minister Gordon Brown to appear on the show as a guest.
Now, the BBC, for it is they, have told us that, as it's election time, in the interest of balance, we have to invite the other party leaders, as well.
I'm not joking.
Other assholes are available.
We thought that would be enough, but no.
So I wonder, would you mind inviting the leader of the lib dems, Nick Clegg.
There you go.
Just down there.
Hello.
I'm Michael Palin, and -- oh, no, I'm sorry.
I'm John Cleese, and this is a message to Nick Clegg.
Nick, you may soon be getting a call asking you to appear as a guest on this man's show.
May I, as a national treasure, add my voice to thousands and implore you not to accept the offer.
I mean, just look at him.
What a pathetic excuse for a man.
Receding hair, bags under his eyes.
Between you and me, I think he drinks a bit.
So, Nick If you get that call, I'm begging you, just say no.
I did.
Thank you very much, Mr.
John Cleese.
And You can join us next week, when Jennifer Lopez will be inviting Nick Griffin onto the show.
I'm not even joking.
Must-see television.
Now, Martin Clunes, I didn't realize you started acting so young.
We have some pictures of you.
What's the name of this sitcom? Oh, "No Place Like Home.
" Wow, look at you.
Is it just me, or does it look like an English remake of Home Alone with you Wow, yeah! Yes.
You look so like Macaulay Culkin.
Like an old Macaulay Culkin.
Or just Macaulay Culkin.
What was the "sit" in that "com, " do you remember? Yeah, the grown-up children wouldn't leave home.
Ha-bloody-ha.
At any point, did the ginger one go, "who's my dad?" Listen, "Doc Martin, " congratulations.
It's coming back for its fifth series? Next year.
Next year, which is brilliant, because it's sort of your baby, "Doc Martin," isn't it? Me and the wife, yeah, we make it.
Keeps us out of London.
Yes.
But it's great.
It's really great, yeah.
Well, people like it, which is even greater.
And it does seem - I don't think I'm wrong -- he does seem to be getting grumpier as the series goes on.
Yeah, I think so, yeah.
Is that mirroring you? I don't know.
Yes, I get a little bit grumpy as I get older.
But he's -- oh, there he is.
Yeah, we're not sort of setting out to cure him in any way.
We'd lose our premise if he gets nice and cuddly.
And now I almost hesitate to bring up the subject once more, but there is an adorable Jack Russell in " Doc Martin.
" Yes, there is.
Dodgy.
He's absolutely brilliant.
And Doc Martin obviously hates the dog.
'Cause I think that's funny.
If anybody hates a dog, I think they're an idiot.
That makes me laugh, yes.
But the dog loves him.
He so clever.
He's a dogs trust rescue dog.
And he'll hit a mark, like lots of actors can't manage that.
He'll hit his mark, on his mark.
"On your mark.
" He's there.
He'll cock his leg on cue.
He'll do that kicking up dust thing behind him on cue.
Must be like working with Neil Morrissey again.
And in real life, as we've established, you adore dogs.
I love them.
Adores dogs.
Yes, I got a new one for Christmas.
I got Jim, a Jack Russell, for Christmas.
Aw.
I'll tell you about dogs.
Dog are delicious.
This is your worst nightmare, isn't it? I didn't know, when I was in Hong Kong, in this restaurant, I did not not know that what I was eating was dog.
And it was absolutely delicious.
And I said to the chinese guy who was buying me lunch -- 'cause he made me some suits - I said, "what is this?" And he said, "it's dog.
" And I laughed, we all laughed.
And then later on, I said, "what was it?" And he said, "it's Poodle.
" Poodle? Poodle? And I thought, well, what do I do? I mean, do I go and throw up or what? And the next day, a very difficult moral decision, because I'm walking down the street, okay, and I see a Poodle walking towards me.
And you're thinking, should I eat it? Just a bite.
You know when those little saliva glands start tingling? Two days later, I saw an Alsatian.
I got the same.
Wow.
Delicious.
Do you do this, Martin, with your dogs? 'Cause I know you got more dogs left.
I've got a big dog and a little dog, and when we're drunk, we look at them and we're like, if there was no food, which one would we eat first? And I feel I ought to eat the little one first 'cause I got her second.
So it's like, you know -- last in, first eaten.
You do know that they're playing exactly the same game, don't you? Oh, its little thighs, they look delicious.
But now, how many horses do you have? Seven.
Well, four of them are sort of under 35 inches.
They're miniature Shetlands.
They're really funny.
Please tell me you ride them.
That's the best image in the world.
Well, I don't.
They can walk straight under me, but babies go on them.
Do they? Yeah, the love it.
Do you ever whip them on the back and make them race? You don't need to.
They race on their own round the paddock.
With the kids at the back? Not with the kids.
Tell me that's not a great TV spectacle.
The Martin Clunes Grand National, every year.
But haven't you got -- you bought horses for your daughter.
Oh, well, somebody told me - you must have heard this -- if you buy a little girl, your daughter, a pony, you keep the boys away for another five years.
That's true.
Five ponies she's got.
25 years of peace, allegedly.
She'll die a virgin.
Hundreds of horses.
And you've worked with horses, haven't you? I have, yes.
It was my first job.
I was a stable boy.
But to a celebrity horse.
Yes.
You say "celebrity horse" like you know a list of all the celebrity horses.
How many horses have you ever heard of? That one! Red Rum.
Thank you.
I was the stable boy at Red Rum's Stables, yeah, and we used to have to wash the horses down, so, occasionally, very rarely, they used to give me red rum, so I would clean Red Rum.
And you have to clean every aspect of Red Rum.
I don't.
I leave that bit.
Do you? Personally or the horse? Are we talking about the Johnson? Talking about the horse or you in the bath? I know.
I bother, I bother.
But yours doesn't retract, so you don't have to get in there with a sponge.
It bloody does.
My wife had a horse that had a -- it's called a cowl, isn't it? I don't know.
I've never met your wife.
Sheath, cowl, horses.
She had one that whistled when he trotted.
"What's that?" Ah, that's the whistling Johnson on the horse.
Yes.
Like one of those things you go Whoo doo doo doo not quite like that.
But, yeah, no, it is, yeah.
I don't think horses taste as good as dogs.
Now, listen, a couple of weeks ago, we were looking at a Web site called "Awkward Family Photos, " and we asked people to send in their own family photos, so we've got some people in tonight who have some pics for us to look at.
Now, where is Christian Diaz? Where's Christian -- hello.
So, basically, this was a Halloween story.
Your mum was late.
Yes.
So she couldn't put you in the outfit.
And your father, very quickly, rustled you up an outfit.
And what did he dress you as? A birthday present.
We have a photograph of Christian dressed as a birthday present at Halloween.
Now, bear in mind, the father only had a few minutes to throw this together.
Incredible.
Look at this.
Did anyone know what you were supposed to be? No, I don't think so, but a very nice old lady did say, "that's a very pretty costume, " and gave me a tenner.
So? And? Nothing else? Asked you to what? Unwrap the present.
Where is -- is that Matczek? Matczek? Matczek.
Where are you from, Matczek? Poland.
All right, Matczek from Poland.
So did this happen in Poland? Yes, it did.
All right, so what happened was it was first Holy communion.
First Holy communion, and they're about to take the picture, and Matczek needs to go to the toilet.
So you ask her, she wouldn't let you go to the toilet.
No.
No, she wouldn't let you go.
So Matczek has the picture of his first Holy communion.
See if you can spot the boy who really wants to go to the toilet.
Let's pan along here now.
Want to go to the toilet? Don't think so.
Oh, wants to eat something.
Could it be him? Oh, dear.
Now, Lee, talking of families, in terms of going into comedy, it seems that it was sort of in your blood, wasn't it? Well, my great-granddad was a comedian.
He was a variety hall comedian called Billy Mack.
The lads that made Lancashire laugh.
You probably know of them.
They were big in the '20s in Lancashire.
Were they a group? Or was it just him, Billy Mack? No, no, otherwise it would have been the Lad that made Lancashire laugh.
Come on, follow this story.
It's a plural, yeah.
Lads that made Lancashire laugh.
Who were they? They were the lads that made Lancashire laugh.
Oh, sorry.
Don't mix them up with the people that made Yorkshire giggle.
Completely different group.
This was the lads that made Lancashire laugh.
And I didn't really know much about them until I started doing stand-up, and then my gran gave me some posters and things, and they've got little programs and things that say, "come and see Billy Mack "and Billy Cray sing their amusing songs about cabbages, beans, and carrots.
" I mean, if that's not going to tempt you in, what is? And then -- how old were you -- you really were a bluecoat, weren't you? I was a bluecoat, yeah, at the place you showed, which was next door to Heysham Nuclear Power Station.
Thing is I got sent there because I worked at a really good one in Yarmouth, great Yarmouth, got sacked -- which is another story -- and then was sacked and was sent -- what for? We'll move on to that in a minute.
Sent to this one? Sent to that one as a sort of punishment.
It was like, "you're going to Morecambe to do six months.
" Because you have just What had you done? Well, something that was considered cheeky in the '70s but now is illegal.
Oh, what? Uh It wasn't.
It was actually an incident where it was my first attempt at stand-up comedy, and what happened was I'd always wanted to do stand-up comedy.
I didn't have the guts to do it.
I got very drunk, I had a go at doing it as a bluecoat.
My mate said to me, just copy all the other comedians at Pontin's and steal their jokes and basically talk to the front row.
So you're supposed to say, "where are you from?" They say, "Scotland.
" You say, "who paid for your holiday?" "Where you from?" "Wales.
" You make a noise like a sheep.
Rubbish jokes, all right.
But I said, "that's terrible.
" He said, "don't worry, you're just padding.
" What you're doing is you're looking for comedy gold, which is, "where you from?" They say, "Kent," and you say, "what did you call me?" All right? Now, at Pontin's, this used to take the roof off, all right.
So I tried it, but I was very drunk.
So I go onstage, and I say, "where are you from?" This bloke says, "Scotland.
" I can't remember the joke.
I say, "hello.
" Then I said to - "where are you from?" The guy says, "Wales.
" I black out, and I go, "hi!" I panic, and then I say, "anyone in from Kent?" And this bloke shouts out, "me.
" And I said, "well, you're a .
" That's fantastic! So So I'm So I'm sent to Morecambe as punishment.
I know people always end these things with, "I swear to God, that's a true story," but that is verbatim how it worked.
That's still in your act, isn't it? It's still in my act.
It really is.
Oh, God.
Listen, it is time to get a lady onto my sofa.
My final guest tonight is one half of Australia's most popular sitcom couple.
In the hit show "Kath and Kim," she plays permed, foxy moron Kath day-knight.
Here's a clip to remind you.
Look.
Oh, Kim! I know.
Oh, no! I know.
Oh, how much weight have you put on? It's not my fault! Riemann's adjusted it wrong! Kim, you've really stacked it on! Oh, no! Oh, calm down, Kath, calm down, it's all right.
What can we do? Well, maybe we could do sort of a backless arrangement or something? Oh, but then there's your welcome mat? What are you talking about? Oh, the unsightly patch of hair just there.
I don't have a welcome mat.
You do, Kim.
Hormonal problems are nothing to be ashamed of, Kim.
Maybe we'll just get it waxed when you do your brown.
Mum! "Look at me!" And please welcome the lovely Jane Turner! Oh! Hello! Oh! So nice to see you.
I know! Hello.
Jane, John.
Hi.
Hi.
Good.
Welcome to the couch.
His couch.
Oh, welcome.
So nice to see you.
So nice to see you.
They could have told me there wasn't a back on that bit.
Sorry.
Hi, Jane.
You don't warn me about things like that, do you? I'll sit there, I don't mind.
I'll lie down.
You're good, you're good.
Now, you're from Australia in your short skirt.
Are you all right there? John's looking at me as if to say "Who are you?" I'm a Sheila.
Have you seen "Kath and Kim"? It is genius.
Oh, I've seen your work.
That was very good just now.
"Kath and Kim" is genius.
I'll give you the DVDs, John.
A box set, the DVDs.
She's very playful.
I got all these guys to myself.
Now, you are in London.
You're doing a play.
It's called Holding the Man.
And it's quite a serious play.
No, it's not.
It's funny.
Oh, is it funny? What would I be doing in a serious play? Because it sounds quite serious.
It's broken box office records in Australia.
Yeah, it's a true story.
It's a love story.
And it's about 60 different characters.
I play 12.
Wow.
I play four men, ranging from 15 to 60, or older, I haven't decided.
We're opening tomorrow night.
Now, it's on now.
Yes, I'm rehearsing now.
Oh, it's on now.
Now.
Now.
But it's 6:00 in the morning.
It's not on now.
It's on now at London Trafalgar Studios, and it runs until July.
You'll be exhausted.
I know, eight shows a week.
What am I going to do? That was foolish of you.
It was crazy.
And very exciting, ladies and gentlemen, because you have played dramatic roles before.
Because Jane here played a role in the iconic Australian television series Cell Block H.
" Yes, she did.
Tell us who you played.
I played Belinda Johns, who was a blind ex-prostitute gun-running murderer.
So real.
So believable.
That's not me, but I do do an impersonation of her.
Oh, do it.
"Oh, get out of here, Mrs.
F, you bloody stupid bugger.
" Do you remember her? Yeah.
Lizzie, yeah.
Lizzie? I remember Lizzie.
She used to give me the horn, Lizzie.
A whore? The horn, not the whore.
You were the whore.
Oh, move away.
We could talk for hours.
But listen, "Kath and Kim," they did try to make it in America, didn't they? They did try.
We tried.
Were you a producer? We executive produced on it, but we didn't really have any muscle.
'Cause how did it work? You know, they sort of just say, "oh, it's going to be set in Indianapolis," and you kind of go, "okay.
" Well, no, they had all the ingredients right, but they wanted to -- I think 'cause they cast sort of pretty, movie star-type people and not sort of -- like the Kim character was Selma Blair, who's about two stone.
And to get big and fat, she'd poke her stomach out like that.
That was her big and fat.
You had to have a muffin top and, you know, be a normal-looking girl.
No, 'cause it's weird, 'cause you've all had this experience of, you know, shows going to America.
'Cause how many times has "Fawlty Towers," have they tried to do it in America? Three times? It's never going to work.
With who playing you? They're so individual.
The really weird one was the second one, 'cause I went off on a weekend, and I met some American producers, and they said, "we bought the rights to 'Fawlty Towers' and we're going to make it.
" And I said, "well, will the American audience understand a little family hotel?" And they said, "oh, no problem.
They'll get that.
" They said, "we've made one change.
" I said, "well, what's that?" They said, "oh, we've written Basil out.
" I'm not kidding.
They wrote Basil out and gave all Basil's lines to Bea Lily -- Bea Arthur, who was playing Sybil, and there was no Basil in the show.
I'll be honest with you, I always felt he was the weak character.
You though he was the weak character? But then -- They didn't even need to buy it.
If the characters weren't the same, why do you even need to buy the concept? They could have just done their own show.
I don't know.
'Cause I could have been seriously rich.
When they started "Cheers" - Bloody wives.
When they started "Cheers," it was based on "Fawlty Towers.
" They were actually going to base it on "Fawlty Towers, " and then they discovered that all the scenes were taking place in the bar, so they switched it to a bar.
Here comes Basil.
"Doc Martin.
" Where is "Doc Martin" at the moment? "Doc Martin" is in France, is it? They make a German one.
There's a Spanish one.
They've overtaken us.
They've done all our episodes, and they're writing their own now.
What's the Spanish one called? "Doc Martín"? "Doc Mateo.
" The German one was "Doktor Martin.
" And they film it in a rather unattractive little industrial harbor, and they bought our music and our scripts and just translated them and almost made it shot for shot.
They just put "en" on the end of all the words.
I've had that.
Our sketch show was made for Germany, and they did the same thing.
So if you accidentally scratch your nose in a sketch, they accidentally scratch their nose in a sketch, because they think it just might be the joke.
They don't know why people are laughing, so they're not taking any chances.
Wasn't there supposed to be a very good version of "Fawlty Towers" in Germany? They made one version, a pilot show, in German, and they were superb.
Got the goose-stepping bit all right? The actors were absolutely superb, and I was very encouraged.
I sat there, I speak just enough German to be able to follow it from the script.
And I was knocked out.
Did you mention the war? That's the first one they showed me.
Really? But did they have to change the line, "you started it, you invaded Poland" to "we started it, we invaded Poland"? They think it's very, very funny.
Invading Poland? The whole point of that, when I made it, was how the English were stuck in that whole second world war thing and couldn't move on.
That was the joke.
People thought I was making jokes about the Germans.
I wasn't at all.
And there was no one on the screen who was remotely more than 2 years old when all that stuff was happening in the second World War.
So I was very impressed once, 'cause I was in the Atlantic hotel then in Hamburg, and I was talking to the concierge, a very nice guy, and suddenly there was a shout from, "hey, John!" And I turned around, there's this big, jolly German businessman standing the other side of the lobby.
And he made a lot of noise.
There were a lot of people watching.
And he said, "hey, John, don't mention the war, huh?" 40 germans fell about laughing.
And I thought, isn't that great? Now we can get on with our lives, you know.
There's a bug in your drink.
Oh, this happens -- can I just say, this happens so often.
Now, this will be delicious, John.
Oh! It's alive! It's a miracle! It's only wine.
It's a fly.
Oh! Good? Very good.
Do you have another one? No.
Is there anything you won't eat? Celery.
Celery.
Celery.
The wine marinade makes it, isn't it? It's delicious.
It was alive.
It's lovely.
Did that really go in? No, he's down there.
Oh, it's blowfly.
It's pissed.
No, it just did a poo there.
No, it's masturbating.
Stop poking it.
Thank you.
Is it masturbating? It's not playing the violin, John.
There, he's finished.
Before we say good night, we've just time for a few stories in the collapsing red chair.
You've heard the celebrities.
Now you the viewers get to tell us your most interesting anecdotes in the world.
If we get bored, we pull a lever.
I'll just get myself organized.
Who's up first? Hi, I'm Kerry.
Oh, hello, Kerry.
Hi, hi.
Hi.
Hi.
And where you from, Kerry? I'm from Stoke Newington.
You're lying, aren't you? Yes, I'm from Middlesbrough.
There was such a funny pause.
"I'm from" You can if you want to.
Oh, let her start.
Okay, this is it.
Best story in the world.
The best story in the world.
I'm not sure if you're wearing a bra for this collapsing chair.
Okay.
Are they saggy? No, no, they just, you know -- they look like they're going to have some fun on the way over, that's all.
Okay, so, my story is I used to do a lot of Internet dating where I would sometimes see two or three guys a week.
And when I would meet them, i'd always take them to this one particular bar which was round the corner from the tube station because I thought, it's safe.
And after, like, the 20th or 30th date i'd taken in there, the manager came over to me with my date and told me that I had to leave because he thought I was a prostitute.
When I went outside, i said to the guy, "should we go somewhere else?" He said, "no thanks, love, " and he left me.
Aw.
And he didn't even pay you? He didn't even pay me.
Oh! I love this chair.
You can see why they thought that.
Okay, who's up next? Oh, hello.
Hello.
Hello.
What's your name? My name's Regan.
Regan.
"Graham and Regan.
" Has a ring to it.
You know, John, he seems playful to me.
Don't speak.
No.
Sorry, Regan, I've taken a very long time.
No, so, your fabulous story.
Off you go.
I once shared a toilet with David Beckham.
I was actually living in Hong Kong at the time.
I was living in Hong Kong, we went out with a few friends.
We found this really great bar that had paparazzi outside, we're like, "that must be good.
" So we went inside, got our photo taken on the way down.
Got inside, there was no one in there, and we were like, "this is weird.
" And then we sat down, had a drink, and in walked Real Madrid.
And we were like, "oh, that's amazing.
" Everyone was just sort of in awe.
And then I had to go to the toilet.
So I went to the toilet, and the security guy came -- Graham, it's about football.
And that's why I'm single.
Do we have time for one more? Oh, hello! Hello.
Hiya! Hiya.
What's your name? Helen.
Helen.
Okay.
Now, Helen, delight us with your story.
I've actually got a travel story.
A tr-- okay, might be interesting with volcanic Ash.
Where were you? In Bulgaria, backpacking.
I really enjoyed that.
That's brilliant, isn't it? I know, I'd love to have one in my house.
Wouldn't it be great to have one in your house, and chatting to someone and just go Oh, no.
You just killed a man! Someone was probably just getting into it.
Aah! Huge thank-you to all my guests.
John Cleese Martin Clunes, Lee Mack Jane Turner! Good night, everybody.
Bye-bye!