The Graham Norton Show (2007) s12e02 Episode Script

Series 12, Episode 2

1 Ah, lovers of fine entertainment and comedy chat, I've been expecting you.
MUSIC: "James Bond Theme" Mr Bond and the stars of Skyfall will be joining us short MUSIC CUTS OU God, that's annoying! Let's start the show! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh! Ohh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! Hello, everybody! Good evening.
Oh, so excited, ladies and gentleman.
So excited! We have a really special show for you tonight - the stars of a new James Bond movie, Skyfall, are with us! Yes, they are.
James Bond himself, Daniel Craig is here! CHEERING Legendary actor of stage and screen, the mighty M, Dame Judi Dench is here! CHEERING And destined to be one of the top Bond villains of all time, Oscar-winning Javier Bardem is here! CHEERING Uh-huh.
They're all here.
Plus, we've got music, all the way from Iceland.
Performing their hit single, Little Talks, it's Of Monsters And Men, ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING Now, Daniel Craig, ladies and gentleman - oh, so excited to have him on the show.
He first caught our eyes in Casino Royale in the trunks, didn't he? Yeah.
Phwoar! I tell you.
CHEERING AND WHISTLES Mind you, not the first Bond to show off his amazing physique.
George Lazenby did it, yeah.
Um Different times, ladies and gentleman.
Less secret agent, more dad on the beach.
There he is.
But, of course, Sean Connery did it.
Yeah, Sean.
He was the epitome of cool - oh, so smooth, stylish, sophisticated.
Sweet Jesus in heaven! LAUGHTER Did they base Borat on that? The most surprising thing about that picture is that Sean Connery hasn't had every copy of it destroyed.
It's fantastic.
Of course, we must mention them, the glamorous Bond girls - we've loved them all, from Honey Rider to Pussy Galore to the very latest Bond girl, Sour Kraut.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE In his three movies as Bond, Daniel Craig has kissed a total of five women.
Five?! I'VE kissed more than that.
Dear God.
I tell you, though, the Bond who's kissed the most women is Roger Moore with 20.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! 20! I know.
In the end, it got too much - he had to take Viagra just to get his eyebrow up.
He did.
LAUGHTER I'm thrilled to have Javier Bardem on the show.
In Skyfall, he plays the part of Raoul Silva, a platinum-haired, power-crazed man who wreaks havoc in London.
Er LAUGHTER Why I oughta! Let's get some guests on! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE He's SILVA in Skyfall and GOLD for us, it's Javier Bardem! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh! Hello, sir.
Thank you so much for doing this.
Very good to have you.
Have a seat there.
Dial M for magnificent - it's Dame Judi Dench! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, my darling.
Blind, too! So nice to see you.
Come in and have a seat.
There she is.
And prepare to be shaken and stirred - it is Mr Daniel Craig! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: "James Bond Theme" SPEECH DROWNED BY CHEERING How are you? Have a seat.
Oh! Oh I CHEERING CONTINUES This This is exciting.
Honestly, I'm so thrilled that you're all here and we're doing a Bond special.
You're all in Skyfall, we'll talk about that.
But before we do, we must talk about the last time we saw you as Bond, with Her Majesty - the Olympics.
Er, like, how long was that in the planning? Um Quite a long time.
Danny Boyle came to visit me on set.
He sat me down, told me what he wanted to do and I walked out and said, "Eff that!" I really thought he was just pulling my leg.
Anyway, the whole kind of thing came about.
Next thing I know, I'm at the Palace.
You must have thought, "I'll agree to it, but it'll never happen.
" I thought they hadn't had the OK from the Palace.
Apparently they got that first and THEN asked me, so I didn't have much choice.
Imagine if you'd turned it down! Didn't you do some improv with the desk? She was Yes, she does improv every Friday night! She kind of invented some stuff to do.
She asked if she could maybe pretend to write a letter, so she was doing something as I walked in.
Oh, OK.
Which I thought was very good.
There was talk about how grumpy she looked at the actual ceremony.
And I have a theory.
Is it because she didn't understand that, for continuity, she'd have to wear that salmon dress again on the night? Do you think she knew that? I don't know.
LAUGHTER Dame Judi, were you asked to be involved? As M, it would've been No, not at all! Not at all - I was extremely miffed.
I saw it all happen and I thought, "There we are, in spite of us all.
" He never let on.
He never said a word.
Did you not say anything? Nothing.
Did he to you? No, no.
I don't speak English, so LAUGHTER APPLAUSE See, I'm laughing NOW You will suffer later.
There was Judi, you're a fan of the surprise appearances yourself.
It was a bit like the Olympics - I went to see Pirates Of The Caribbean and then this happened Ah! SHE GASPS Oh OH! Ah Is that it? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE How did that happen? I was told that was a non-speaking part.
I thought, "No, no, no.
"No, no, I don't think so.
" Did you know the director? Did you know Johnny Depp? I did.
I did, and they said, "Would you do 30 seconds?" I said, "You bet I would do 30 seconds.
" But also, this is OK.
One thing about cameos in movies, people do do cameos in movies, but you've done sort of cameos on stage, haven't you? Was it Les Miserables that you? It was Les Miserables, yes.
I was in All's Well That Ends Well at the Where was it? You'll know.
The Lyric? The Lyric! No The Gielgud.
Yeah, the Gielgud.
And I appeared LAUGHTER I'm so pleased you know.
And I appeared at beginning of Act Two, and then at the very end of Act Two.
After we'd been running We'd done it at Stratford and we did it in London, and I thought, "No, no, no.
"I have to do something else in Act Two "than just sit about and chat to people.
" I thought, "I know what I'll do - "I'll go along and appear in Les Mis.
" And I did.
I got a costume and I got out of my costume, raced along and I stood by, and I thought, "I'll do the barricades.
" And I did.
And they said, "You get shot in this.
" So I said, "OK, OK.
" They said, "You'll hear the shoot and we'll help you off.
" I said, "Right.
" So the moment came and I was shot and I went "Ah! Argh!" And a man came on, he said, "Only in the arm.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "Oh!" And then I went back and finished All's Well.
Javier, your mother was a very, very famous actress.
She is.
She IS.
But, how old were you when she used to smuggle you into clubs and things? Five.
Proper nightclubs? Yeah, because she was touring with a theatre company and we didn't have money to hire a nanny.
So we went I was accompanying her and then, one day, she said, "I want to take a drink with the people from the company.
" And then they Was the word "smuggling" me in? Smuggle.
Until Saturday Night Fever's song start to play, then I jump into the thing to dance.
And everybody in the dance was like, "What is this five-year-old kid dancing in this nightclub?" My mother was trying to hide me.
I was like, "This is cool.
" Then she never take me back to any club until I was seven! LAUGHTER At five, did you know all the moves to Saturday Night Fever? Of course.
He still does.
A little bird tells me that you still know all the moves.
No, no, no, no, I don't! MUSIC: "Night Fever" By The Bee Gees AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG No, no, don't! You don't.
You don't have to.
Oh, my! I should have seen this coming.
That would be terrible, no, no.
That would be great.
Listen, here we are, celebrating Skyfall, the first Bond for It's four years, isn't it, since the last one.
And it finally opens nationwide tonight.
The wait is over.
I'm jealous of people who haven't seen it.
It's just brilliant.
It's extraordinary, like, cos it has been going for 50 years.
Is it the 23rd movie? I think it is.
It is the 23rd movie, yeah.
After all this time, it's still a big event.
I can remember growing up in Ireland, they were so excited - it was the closest to porn we could get in Ireland.
They were like the sexiest films we'd ever seen.
What was your first one? Um Live And Let Die.
Good one.
That's the voodoo, isn't it? Yes.
With the chickens.
Roger Moore and Jane Seymour.
Oh, yes! She's the voodoo creature.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And they go to the weird island.
That's right - Jamaica.
LAUGHTER It's not that weird! I was growing up in Ireland.
It was weird - the sun was shining It was very mysterious.
Did you see them in Spain? Yeah, yeah, sure.
When I left the nightclub that day, I went to the movie theatre.
The first one was Moonraker.
I was 11 or 12.
But I was really drawn to Jaws, actually.
Oh, the villain? Yeah.
And now look.
Yeah, because I guess my destiny was written in stone.
But I was not drawn into James Bond, it was looking at that guy and saying, "Those beautiful eyes.
" He was such a nice person.
I didn't get why he was doing villain.
I thought he was lovely.
It was dubbed into Spanish, presumably.
Yes, of course.
What's Moonraker in Spanish? Er Moonraker.
I think.
That one doesn't have a translation.
I don't know what it means.
Somebody can tell me what it means, Moonraker? It doesn't mean anything, does it? It was that thing that ate up the thing, wasn't it? Yes! The thing that ate up the thing? Remember the beginning? Yes.
There was a thing like that That's right, yes.
She's right.
It was a space shuttle.
It was all kind of spacey, yeah.
It wasn't my favourite one, I have to say.
I tell you what, we've talked about the others, let's have a look at Skyfall.
Now, we can't give too much away about the plot.
Why did they let me see it? I don't know how you do it.
I've only known for a week and it's killing me.
How you've known for months, I do not know.
I can't wait for everyone to see it so we can just talk about it.
This is a clip from near the beginning of the movie, with M calling the shots.
Here we go.
I may have a shot.
It's not clean.
Repeat, I do not have a clean shot.
There's a tunnel ahead.
I'm going to lose them.
Can you get into a better position? Negative.
There's no time.
Take the shot.
I said take the shot.
I can't.
I may hit Bond.
Take the bloody shot! GUNSHO CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's so good.
So that's the first time you've seen that, Judi? No, I saw that last week in New York.
Oh, OK.
Said she.
I just wondered because, on the day, when you're doing, "Take the bloody shot" You don't see it then.
Do you know what's going on at all? You do, if you've read the script.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That helps, doesn't it? It does help.
Do you like those bits, when you're in charge? You bet, you bet.
I love keeping naughty boys in order.
LAUGHTER There's a lot of that, there really is.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Javier, were you intimidated, joining? Cos these guys are established in the franchise.
Yeah, and I heard horrible things about them and I didn't want to Did you sort of have a moment on your first day? Yeah, my first day of shooting was the scene with both of them.
What was the scene? Yeah, on the Oh, no, in the Yeah, yeah.
Don't give too much away! No, no.
But, basically, they were both looking at me and then I was saying the line Judging you.
Sneering! LAUGHTER "You're going to do it like that?" I realised it was Judi and Daniel looking at me verylike that.
And then I realised it was M and James Bond looking at me.
I was in a crystal cell and I realised that I was the Bond villain, I was doing a James Bond movie.
And then my lines went off.
And Sam came to me, laughing, and said, "What happened?" I said, "I just realised I'm the Bond villain.
" LAUGHTER And then I tried to get into the thing again.
I was doing the scene and then I hear HE HUMS THE JAMES BOND THEME I go, "What is that?" And that was Judi's cellphone.
That was Judi's cellphone.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So unprofessional.
That's incredible.
She doesn't change it.
It goes off all the time.
How cool is that, you're doing the scene and she's putting the music herself? Now, Daniel, in terms of being offered the part of Bond you were quite reluctant to say yes? I was very reluctant.
I couldn't quite understand why I was being asked.
It was off my radar, really.
Barbara Broccoli approached me to play it and said, "Are you interested?" I said, "Thank you very much, but I think you have the wrong guy.
" She was quite persistent.
It's not like saying yes to anything else.
If you walk into a village in Timbuktu, someone will go, "James Bond!" I have.
What does that do to your head? It'squite disconcerting at first.
I kind of enjoy it now.
I'm enjoying making the films and they're part of my life.
It's an honour.
It's a real honour to do it.
So I kind of take I take it and enjoy it.
There are places I can't go.
I live in New York and London and people have more important things to do.
They don't really care.
They go, "Oh" James Bond.
Do you have to audition for Bond? Yeah, I had to do a full day's screen test.
It was supposed to be a full day.
Halfway through the day I said, sod this, I'm not doing any more and I walked off.
One of the things you have to do is a scene from From Russia With Love.
You know the scene when he comes into the room and Tatiana is lying naked in bed and there's a scene about "Is that your gun?"? Yeah, yeah.
They're filming it from behind.
I did that and then I had to take my shirt off for some reason.
I don't know what that was all about.
Odd, that.
Was that the end of the day? Yeah, it was.
Did you have to do stunts - a forward roll and stuff? Yeah.
Did they really make you do that? A hand stand.
In terms of auditions, what's nice is you're auditioning for a great job.
In the beginning, you had to do terriblecommercials and stuff.
You must have done those.
Yeah, they're terrible.
It's part of There was a short period My agent is here tonight.
She used to put me up for commercials and she gave up.
I'd go along and they'd say, "OK, I want you to pretend to mow the lawn.
"It's for coffee.
" And we want you to be so happy dancing to Walking On Sunshine by Katrina And The Waves - go.
" And I'd go # Walking on sunshine # That would I could never you know.
A little bird tells me, you still know all the moves.
MUSIC: Walking On Sunshine by Katrina And The Waves.
I jest.
Now this is exciting.
The other day This is amazing, the amount of money you guys raised.
There was an auction for various charities of all the Bond paraphernalia and mementos.
The Aston Martin sold for 241,000.
This is the model.
That was went ã61,000.
That is amazing.
A watch of yours, 157,000.
Dame Judi, you were in charge of one of the star lots.
I was.
They said, "Would you bang the gavel on Daniel's pants?" LAUGHTER You know, on the block.
He knew what you meant! Oww! For charity.
They were estimated between ã3,000 and ã5,000.
I think they went for ã35,000.
I got ã44,000.
Was it? Yeah.
Oh, right.
Slightly soiled.
Was it your idea to reference the Ursula Andress thing, coming out of the sea, or was it in the script? It happened by accident, really.
Those things came up Where we were filming, I was supposed to be swimming across, you know, I was supposed to stand up and look around.
But the water was like In some places the water just stays at this depth for about a mile.
So I swam along, pretending to swim and stood up and was there and that's how the shot happened.
It was by accident more than anything.
I can see why they asked you to take your shirt off.
You're generous with your body.
LAUGHTER In Skyfall, the laundry bill is very low.
You're shirtless a lot.
Do you look like all the time? Or do you get ready for these things? No, I don't.
I start training about six months before we start shooting.
Then continually.
What's lucky about it is we plan out the shirtless scenes quite carefully, so I can decarb and do all that really boring stuff.
The rest of the time, I eat and drink what I want and just try to stay in shape.
To give you an idea how much work it takes to look like Daniel does, we asked the audience if they had any shots of themselves emerging from the waves.
Sadly, some did.
Actually, I say sadly Now, the first one, where is Glenn? Look at Glenn.
Now, was this a long time ago? Just saying.
Look at Glenn.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Are you an actor? He's getting a round of applause, wow.
Are you an actor? No, no.
What do you do? Lawyer.
He's a lawyer.
Beautiful lawyer.
Look at him there.
Where's Kerry? There's Kerry.
Is Tom here? He is.
You're Tom.
Tom, he took a lovely picture of himself.
He liked the picture so much, he gave it to you for Christmas in a frame? Yes.
LAUGHTER And where does he make you keep it? It's beside the bed, so he can look at it when All right, yes, we understand! There it is.
APPLAUSE And finally, our final bathing beauty is Steve.
There's Steve.
Now, Steve, well, Steve went a bit He likes getting out of the waves.
He had a full photo shoot.
Here he is in general, "Here I am getting out of the waves.
" That's a very odd print on those togs.
That's all I'll say.
He sort of pulls that off.
He looks quite manish.
In some of the other shots, he doesn't quite carry it off as well.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Then, it must have been a long day of shooting, he just went model crazy.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, tiger.
Tiger! APPLAUSE Beautiful.
Very good.
Now Now, Judi, the last time you were here, we tried to talk about Bond, you couldn't tell us anything because of the secrecy and stuff.
How cloak-and-dagger is it? When you get the script does someone sit with you while you read it and take it away? No, but it's stamped all over each page with your name, so they know if somebody gets it, they know who to hammer.
I don't think I'm giving much away You do swear a bit in this film.
Yeah, but that's the kind of person she is.
She's a woman holding a very important job in a man's world.
I think she's allowed to swear a bit.
Do you know that the British Board of Film Classification Have they cut it? No, but they have a thing called the Dench factor, that they get more complaints about swearing if it's you.
It's true.
No, it's not true.
It is true.
Quantum Of Solace, there was only one complaint for violence, two complaints because people thought they saw a flash of genital but it was a shadow.
And all the rest of the complaints were for you swearing.
A flash of gentle? Genital.
Oh, I thought you said a flash of gentle.
No it was a lady's leg and a bit of shadow at the top and people thought Genital.
M has a lot more to do in this movie.
She does, yes.
I can say that, can't I? Yes, it's about time.
Was it always going to happen, or was it because Sam Mendes came on board? It's just about time.
She's usually sitting in an office on the phone.
Judi might have quite liked that.
No! Oh, you want to get involved.
They were all away and in glamorous places and I was kept in a shed at the back! LAUGHTER In this one, you do get out and about.
You have big action sequences.
Having wanted to do them, did you enjoy them? Oh, you bet I enjoyed them.
She's very good at them as well.
I loved it.
I had to go to shed 19.
I can't possibly tell what you that was about, but I did go.
I suppose one of the nice things about filming is you get to do learn new skills, do different experiences.
Judi, you had to learn how to smoke a spliff, didn't you? I did.
In a film I've never seen Called Rage.
So I was required to do this, they got a charming young man from university in.
He said, "This is what you do.
"This is what you do.
" "Yes, wonderful.
" "This is what you do.
" "Yes, fine.
" Then they gave me, for some reason, a tiny revolver that was a lighter.
Now, I had more trouble with the revolver as the lighter than I did about the thing.
Because I set my trousers alight.
Because you're such a good actress, after you smoked your spliff, did you feel high? I'm not saying a word to you.
LAUGHTER Just asking.
We must talk about Are they Bond WOMEN now? Yes.
Here are the Bond women in Skyfall.
That's Severine, but her name is Berenice.
And Eve is the other one.
Naomie Harris.
Were you ever asked to be a Bond girl? No, only M.
Just the M.
Just the M.
Nowlovely, lovely, and you know I adored Skyfall, but I felt you let us down a bit with the names.
They're not classic Bond women names, I feel.
They're sensible names that people might be called.
They were very good in the past.
You know, Xenia Onyatopp? Onatopp, wasn't it? Xenia Onatopp.
That's a great name.
And obviously, Pussy Galore.
We discovered there's a formula for finding out what your Bond girl name would be.
What you do is take your grandmother's maiden name Do you know this? And the first pet you have? No, that's your porn star name.
Is it?! LAUGHTER It's your porn star name.
This one is your grandmother's maiden name for your surname and when you were a kid, the nickname you had for your genitals is your first one.
So I would have been Winky Reynolds if I was a Bond girl.
Judi, what would your Bond Girl name be? Leave it with me for a minute.
I can't remember.
Bond girl name? You know you want to tell us.
I can see you want to tell us.
Cock Hargreaves.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Let's see if we have Bond girls in the audience.
Cock Hargreaves! Yeah, Eve is better than that.
What would your name be? It would be Binky Morrissey.
Binky Morrissey? Binky Morrissey.
That's adorable.
Your little binky.
What would you be? Marjorie Newman.
LAUGHTER Were you following the formula? Marjorie? Oh! Are you guys related? She's my daughter.
That's my mother.
So, you were the one who called it Marjorie, presumably? No, no.
No, she was not.
You decided to call it Marjorie? No, a previous boyfriend I had.
I'm so sorry.
"I'm saying this in front of Daniel Craig!" And my father will be watching somewhere.
Oh, no.
Keep Marjorie under wraps.
What was yours?? Fanula McCarrick.
Fanula, meet Marjorie.
Marjorie, Fanula.
Well done, all the Bond girls.
Very good.
We must get on.
We must get on.
Now, Javier Pronounced correctly? Yes.
Listen, Silva is a fantastic villain.
Really, really good.
I think what I liked about it is he's kind of righteous villain in that he believes he has right on his side.
Is that what makes him more than a villain in a way? I think it's more reliable, in the sense that rather than being a person who wants to destroy the world just because.
He has a very personal goal to achieve.
He proceeds with a lot of clarity on that.
I guess that's more reliable He was for me, as an actor, because I could understand better what was behind that.
Even in the audience, you sort of think "Well, he's got a point.
" You know There's a brilliant sort of erotically-charged scene between Silva and James Bond.
Was that the way it was written or did you decide to do it like that? It was written like that.
He did encourage it, though! He fanned the flames.
We played with it.
We had fun with it.
LAUGHTER No, they really do play with it and have fun with it.
They really do! You're quite the heartthrob.
The ladies, you know, are very keen.
AUDIENCE: Whoo! Marjorie's gagging for it! LAUGHTER Marjorie can't say enough about you, she really can't.
But even Marjorie might be put off sometimes by Sometimes you do something with your hair.
Some of the hair styles In this you've gone blonde in Skyfall.
Your classic bad hair won you an Oscar in No Country For Old Men.
Now, I always assumed LAUGHTER It is genius.
I thought it was a wig, but it wasn't a wig.
No, it wasn't a wig, unfortunately not.
I had to live with that for two months in Sante Fe.
No matter what I did with it, it always stayed that shape.
When I went to buy something from the supermarket everybody would freak out for a second.
Didn't you have to wear a hairnet all the time? Yeah, I had to wear a hairnet.
To hold the thing in place.
The last day of shooting, I went to shoot, and I had to take an elevator to go to the first floor of a building where we were shooting.
The elevator opens and everybody on the crew were wearing it, yeah.
The Coen Brothers were there in front of me with the hairnet.
Then I realised "Oh, that's scary.
" It is scary.
You were so scary in that film.
It's freaky.
That's what they paid me for.
I'm such a nice boy.
You are.
You seem charming.
Now, Daniel, some people don't like looking at old pictures of themselves.
There are some quite good hair shots of you from the past.
Don't get upset.
I'm not upset! Here's a lovely picture of you and Alex Kingston in Moll Flanders.
LAUGHTER It's all my own hair.
It looks like you're sharing the wig.
There wasn't the budget for two.
Just to make Javier feel better.
This one is incredible.
This is from Our Friends In The North.
Look at you in that! LAUGHTER It is phenomenal to think that man is now James Bond.
We've talked about Silva, the villain.
So we're going to see a bit of you in action as the villain.
This is, well, every commuter's nightmare.
Here we go.
GUNSHOTS Whoa! I won't miss next time, Mr Silva.
Not bad.
Not bad, James, for a physical wreck.
Why, thank you.
You caught me.
Now, here's your prize.
The latest thing from my local toy store.
It's called radio.
I do hope that wasn't for me.
No! But that is.
It opens nationwide tonight.
It's going I mean, you don't need luck, It's going to be a huge success.
I just loved it.
I'm thrilled you came to talk to us about it.
It's time for some music.
Now, this band hail from Iceland.
Their debut album My Head Is An Animal - You heard me, Judi! - has taken the world by storm.
Performing their smash hit single Little Talks, please welcome Of Monsters And Men.
APPLAUSE # Hey! # Hey! # Hey! # I don't like walking around this old and empty house # So hold my hand I'll walk with you, my dear # The stairs creak as I sleep It's keeping me awake # It's the house telling you to close your eyes # And some days I can't even dress myself # It's killing me to see you this way # Cos though the truth may vary # This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore # Hey! # Hey! # There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back # Well, tell her that I miss our little talks # Soon it will be over and buried with our past # We used to play outside when we were young # And full of life and full of love # Some days I feel like I'm wrong when I am right # Your mind is playing tricks on you, my dear # Cos though the truth may vary # This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore # Hey! # Don't listen to a word I say # Hey! # The screams all sound the same # Hey! # Though the truth may vary # This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore # You're gone, gone, gone away I watched you disappear # All that's left is a ghost of you # Now we're torn, torn, torn apart There's nothing we can do # Just let me go We'll meet again soon # Now wait, wait, wait for me Please hang around # I'll see you when I fall asleep # Hey! Don't listen to a word I say # Hey! # The screams all sound the same # Hey! # Though the truth may vary # This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore # Don't listen to a word I say # Hey! # The screams all sound the same # Hey! # Though the truth may vary This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore.
APPLAUSE Beautiful! Of Monsters And Men, ladies and gentleman.
Beautiful, come and join me.
There you go.
Hello, Sir.
Hi, have a seat.
Hello, nice lady.
Hello, Sir.
Come and sit down.
Squash up, squash up.
Very polite.
Nice Icelandic people.
Lovely, lovely.
Entente cordiale.
We're not going far.
Your name, is it Nanna? Nanna, yes.
Brynner? No, Brynjar.
Yeah "Javier".
See? That single's out, the album's out, and the new single is Mountain Sound.
It's out soon, isn't it? Yes.
Very soon, probably.
In the near future.
In the near future.
Keep an eye out.
So, before we go, we've got time for a story or two in the red chair.
Let's see who's up first.
Wow! LAUGHTER Someone thought they might be on television! That's not a buying milk frock, is it? What's your name, nice lady? I'm Emma.
Emma, lovely.
You look stunning.
Thank you.
Did you make any of this, design it? It's vintage.
It's vintage.
From the '80s.
Old clothes.
LAUGHTER They were previously loved.
So, off you go with your story.
OK, a few years ago I was a student, obviously, and I took advantage of the two-for-one deal in the local cafe so I had this really cheap, tacky burger.
Then I went out to the library.
It was exam time so the library was packed to the brim.
I spotted a guy across from me who was in my class.
I'd fancied him the whole three years in university.
I had headphones on really loud and I did the loudest fart in the world.
The guy looked at me, along with 300 other people.
I was so embarrassed, not to mention that he was in my year class the whole following year, and I never got about with him.
AUDIENCE: Aww! I've got a boyfriend now, so it's fine.
He's in the audience.
LAUGHTER Oh, that's awful.
I know.
I was really embarrassed.
Did people point at you after that and just laugh? I get it all the time.
Oh, no.
OK, quick, quick.
Poor smelly Emma.
What's her name? It was Emma, nice, nice.
OK, do we have somebody else in the chair? I have high hopes for this one.
Hello, nice lady.
Hi, hello.
Hi, what's your name? My name is Carolina.
Lovely, where are you from? I'm from Spain, but I live here in London.
Oh! Javier.
Off you go.
(HEAVY SPANISH ACCENT) One of the things I doing for my job is organise exhibitions and one of the times, I was organising Can I stop your for a second? Can you understand her, Javier? I understand perfectly.
Why don't you tell your story in Spanish and Javier can tell what you're saying? You think?! Try it, try it.
(SPEAKS SPANISH) A long time ago she was doing an exhibition (SPEAKS SPANISH) .
and she was writing an e-mail I blame you.
OK, one more? One more, one more and then you go.
Hello there.
What's your name, Sir? It's Uwe.
Are they filming a Benetton ad back there? LAUGHTER Where are you from? California.
Anywhere else? No, well, yes, originally from Germany.
But we live in El Dorado Hills, California.
All right, we don't need the number.
Off you go, Uwe.
OK, my story is with my lovely wife, who sits in the audience.
We went to the Greek islands.
We arrived on the island and it was pitch dark, nothing there Like night, yes.
No moon, we couldn't see a thing.
We stumbled down the pier.
We couldn't even see the hands in front of our faces, and ended up in some sandy area.
We said, "Oh, cool, romantic, on the beach.
"We're going to sleep there tonight, wake up tomorrow morning and it will be romantic for us.
" We fell asleep, touchy, touchy, kissy, kissy.
All right, yes! And so, the next morning, we heard voices around us.
People walking, so we crawled out of our sleeping bags and we saw all these people standing there, so we actually noticed that we walked into the town, ended up in the marketplace, in a park there and slept in a sand box of a children's play area.
LAUGHTER That's quite a sweet story.
You can walk.
Go, go, go.
That's it.
Well done, everyone.
If you'd like to join us on the show and have a go in the red chair, you can, contact us via our website.
Huge thanks to all my guests tonight.
Of Monsters And Men, ladies and gentleman.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Javier Bardem! Dame Judi Dench! And Mr Daniel Craig! Join me next week with comedian Paul O'Grady, dancer and Strictly judge Darcey Bussell and musical superstar Robbie Williams.
I'll see you then, everybody, goodbye! APPLAUSE