The Grand Tour (2016) s02e10 Episode Script

Oh, Canada

1 (ENGINE REVVING) (TRAIN HORN BLASTS) (CHEERING) - Hello! - Greetings! Thank you so much.
Thank you.
(CHEERING CONTINUES) JEREMY: Thanks, everybody.
Good noises.
(CHEERING) JEREMY: Thank you.
Thank you, everyone.
Welcome! And in this incredible show JEREMY: Richard reads a map James wears a hat And I remember how old I am.
(SIGHS) I'm 57.
- (APPLAUSE) - Brilliant stuff.
A brilliant show.
A good one.
Now, that smorgasbord of nail-biting action is all to come, but we start with our feet firmly on the ground.
You see, us three agree on, well, almost nothing, really, but we do agree that all medium-sized SUVs are dreary and drab and rubbish.
Yes, but, and we were talking about this the other day, they are incredibly popular.
And we were arguing over which ones we'd buy, if we absolutely had to.
Yeah, and needless to say, we couldn't agree.
No, it got quite heated.
It did get very heated indeed.
So we decided we should settle it by taking The Grand Tour this week to Canada.
No, we didn't.
JEREMY: This was the meeting point we chose.
The Area 27 race track.
It was designed by F1 star Jacques Villeneuve.
And it's a bit of a hidden gem.
And I'd be driving round it in this: the new Alfa Romeo Stelvio.
There is no way in hell that I would buy one of these because the saloon on which it's based is faster, cheaper, more economical and nicer to drive, but if I had to have an SUV This is what I'd choose.
At this point, May arrived in the supercharged V6 Range Rover Velar.
Well, you've done that wrong.
- No, I haven't.
- Mm.
Look, in the first season of The Grand Tour, we did a big test of three large off-roaders.
You had a Range Rover and you went: "You'd be mad not to have a Range Rover, the Range Rover is literally the best.
" So you can't then stand there and say that it isn't.
What I meant when I said you'd got it wrong, well, I meant two things.
One: you've picked the wrong one, you should have had an Alfa, and two: it's the wrong colour.
I saw one of those in London the other day and it was silver, and it's one of the best-looking cars I've ever seen.
It is a very good-looking car, yes, I agree.
Really good-looking.
That's just hideous.
That looks like it's got a glovebox full of K and MDF What, building materials? No, not MDF.
What do I mean? What is it? I don't know.
- DIRECTOR: MDMA.
- MDMA.
Director knew that, weirdly.
Anyway, never mind that.
What that is is a Range Rover that sits between the Evoque and the Range Rover Sport.
I thought the Disco sat there.
No, that sits over to one side.
No, the Discovery Sport sits between the Evoque and the - No, wait.
- No, the Discovery Sport - Hang on, you've got Evoque.
- Yes.
Discovery Sport off to one side.
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
- Why is it? - Because that's the serious off-roady bit, not the It's not serious! JEREMY: Before we had a chance to get to the bottom of Land Rover's very complicated line-up, Richard Hammond arrived in a Porsche Macan.
Wow, Hammond, that is modern.
Yeah, that's where you're wrong.
He's making a habit of that.
This is the new Porsche Macan Turbo Performance Pack.
You get 40 horsepower more than the standard Turbo, so it makes 434 in total.
- I'm sorry, 434? - Yeah, in there, yes.
And you managed to make it move? - Why? - 505! Italian horses.
Which, let's face it, a flock of Italian horses could go from Shire to Shetland.
- These are German horses - How many torques? - 442.
- 443.
Oh, right.
One more.
Well, it's too many for a car on stilts.
- This isn't! - It's high, that, isn't it? What do you mean? Of course it's high! It looks like somebody's startled it! (SHRIEKS) It's an SUV! (ARGUING CONTINUES) JEREMY: At this point, we decided to get on with testing the "S" part of our SUVs, the sporty bit.
We began by sending a BMW M3 sport saloon round the track to get a benchmark time.
It's a really, really good race track.
"Good race track" is like saying "fun fair", it's just a contradiction.
James, I think most of our viewers would disagree with you on that.
I dunno.
- Here it comes.
- Here it is, and Two minutes 26 seconds, and James May will now fail to match that in his Range Rover Velar.
JEREMY: James was soon ready to go, but there was a problem.
Can you hear me in the BMW? Could we have the brown BMW get off the track? DIRECTOR: Saying the key isn't in the car.
- Well, how did he do a lap? - I don't know.
Because if it was keyless, if somebody got out with the key and it was running - No, no, cos they stop.
- No, they don't.
What? Course they don't, cos otherwise it'd just stop on the motorway.
What they won't do is restart.
All the while this is going on, I'm forgetting the track.
You go down here and you go left, and then it's a fog.
Who has the key? Come on, one of you has been near the BMW.
Where's the key? Have you checked your pockets? With the key nowhere to be found, there was only one solution.
Ditch the health and safety and get on with it anyway.
And he's off! Right, compared with Pinky and Perky I have the least power, the least torque, I have the least impressive 0-60 time and top speed, but I do have the mostest number of gears at eight, so that's nice and confusing.
What happens here? No idea.
You know, one of the reasons why that thing is gonna be very slow is because of who's driving it.
Yeah, it's cause and effect.
Now in bigger Range Rovers the power is split 50-50 between the front and rear wheels.
On this one, it's biased more towards the back which is, of course, very sporty.
But it will put some to the front when you're off-road, and you need traction, or Oh, God.
When I cock it up.
JEREMY: Do you know what he did last weekend? He took his girlfriend across London to the Victoria and Albert Museum to look at an exhibition of plywood.
How good was that? JEREMY: Next up, Richard "Lucky" Hammond.
His wife's already telephoned him this morning, said if he goes round the corner with any tyre squeal, she's divorcing him.
Three, two, one.
Go! RICHARD: And we're away.
Whoa! Minding the BMW on arriving at this first turn.
No tyre squeal.
This is the only one of the three that has a proper dual-clutch gearbox.
The other two are just old-school slushmatics.
So it does change like a race car.
Ooh, did you hear that? - Nice little sporty noise.
- JEREMY: Yeah.
There is no doubt this thing can talk the talk.
It's got dry sump, active aero, but it's all wrapped up in the wrong body.
Huge amount of lean, I mean Scrabbling for grip.
Those squeals from the tyres are in protest, not for joy.
Hammond breaking his record, completing a lap without a crash.
JEREMY: Finally, it was the turn of the Stelvio.
Three, two, one.
Go! Oh, well, that's just a flying start.
And he's hit the BMW.
The twin turbo-charged V6 engine in this thing Well, it's a masterpiece, there's no other word.
The body's made from aluminium.
The prop shaft is made from carbon fibre.
This has all the ingredients of a full-on racer.
And it is quick.
Easily the quickest car here.
0-60, 3.
9 seconds.
Top speed, 177.
In an SUV! In a straight line, it would leave even the M3 for dead.
But this circuit isn't a straight line.
Which causes a few problems.
Oh, chief among which is the steering.
It's as fast as the steering you get in the saloon car and it is too quick in a car of this type.
It (BLEEP) hell! See what I mean? Tiniest little movement of the wheel and it's darting all over the place.
Couple that to the wobbly long travel suspension and it all gets a bit haywire.
Whoa! - That was rubbish! - What was that? And across the line.
JEREMY: After that fast but messy lap, it was time to review the times.
BMW, two minutes 26.
Range Rover, three minutes two.
Porsche, 2.
46, you're only 20 seconds slower than the M3.
Alfa Romeo, 2.
40.
Six seconds faster than the Porsche Turbo which proves, conclusively, that the most sporty of three completely un-sporty vehicles is the Alfa Romeo.
- Yes.
- Right.
Onwards, to the next part of our test.
JEREMY: Which was to find out how utilitarian they are.
We're gonna do this by seeing which one of us can get the most amount of dogs in the boot of our car.
- (SIGHS) Hammond, you idiot.
- What? What are they? If you say "dog" in Canada, these are what you get.
- Newfoundlands! - Hammond, they're enormous.
JAMES: They're not dogs, they're cattle.
Yep JAMES: Oh, they're having sex behind you.
Oh, there's dog sex.
There's actual dog sex going on.
- Dog sex.
We don't need to see this.
- Maybe we should In a brief break from the mating, we got on with the test.
Up you go! Come on! (CLICKS TONGUE) Come on! Up! In the car! Come on, it's a new Range Rover! Come on, dog! Right.
Erm, there's No.
No.
I've got Up we go.
In we go.
JAMES: The dog has never been in a car and doesn't want to go in one.
Right.
Sit.
Getting another dog.
(TOY SQUEAKING) Dog beer.
Ow.
Yes! Stay.
(SIGHS) Ahem! The Alfa Romeo, not only the sportiest vehicle, but, as you can see, perfectly capable of handling a brace of dogs.
Oh.
(DOG BARKS) Yeah, the problem is, you know electric tailgates If they sense anything, they'll open.
- Yes, that's what's - (LAUGHING) - So you can't actually close - Never gonna stay in, is it? Oh! Biggest dog here is in.
Yeah, but you try closing, OK, close your boot, then.
Go on, then.
You see, it won't close cos it's electric.
All we've established, then, so far is that these cars are nowhere near as fast as an ordinary car around a race track.
That you cannot put a medium-sized dog in them because of the electric tailgate and you'll damage them cos they've all got painted rear ends and carpeted boot floors.
And that concludes another important test.
I'm sorry! JEREMY: We then went for a short drive to the location for our third test.
How well our cars worked as vehicles.
Now to do this, we are going to see whether our cars are better than a horse.
And here comes the horse now.
It's being ridden by someone called Meinie Kampf.
- It's Maddie.
- What? It's Maddie.
Yes, Maddie, Meinie's something completely different.
Do you know, my Range Rover is better than that horse in every single way.
- Ah, but is it? - Yes, it is.
- Is it? - Well, yes it is, because it doesn't jig around a bit when you're trying to get in it.
It doesn't set off on its own at maximum speed.
It doesn't veer off to one side to eat something or sniff another Range Rover's arse.
Yes, good.
Thing is, though, we're trying to find out now whether our cars are faster than this horse in this arena.
(HORN BLARES) This is barrel racing.
A sport for cowboy girls, the idea is that you ride round three barrels as fast as possible .
.
while wearing Wrangler jeans.
Her time was 22.
69 seconds.
That's what she did it in.
I shall now go and beat it in my Porsche.
Well, this is what roads look like where Hammond lives.
All of this is like his garden.
Broken tractor, knackered old caravan JAMES: Rusty fence It's as if we've come to Hammond's house.
RICHARD: Soon, I was in position and preparing for the off.
Right, to do this I need Sport Plus Firm suspension No ride height Traction control off OK, in three, two, one Go! And we're off! Barrel racing, so, I've gotta get round this one first of all, on my right.
I'm already going much faster than the horse.
Left now.
What? - He's stuck.
- (LAUGHTER) A four-wheel drive overload! What? Oh, it's gone into limp home mode! JEREMY: This is the most lamentable spectacle! HAMMOND: Can I do it again? No, don't let him do it again.
JEREMY: No, you can't have another go.
That was your time, and it was 48.
7 seconds, which means that car, it's not even half as good as a horse.
Next, it was May's turn in the Velar.
Three, two, one, go! He's not lost.
Actually, I really did think he'd be lost.
- Oh, God, he's gonna beat me.
- Come on.
HAMMOND: Oh, no! Look, he can't find the fence.
(LAUGHING) What is he He can't find the fence! What the hell is this? Come on.
What's the time? Please tell me he's quicker than you.
40.
78.
- Would you like to jump off the back here? - Yes.
JEREMY: Finally, it was my turn, and I'd had a brilliant idea.
This is what those two didn't realise.
Use the handbrake, fight the turnaround on the up.
In three, two, one, go.
There it is! Ready for the handbrake? Here it comes! Oh.
He's gone to put the handbrake on, but it's an electronic handbrake so it just stops dead.
The electric handbrake is as useless as the electric tailgate! Oh, no! No, I'm in limp home! Service ATV system, everything has failed! Virtually parked.
This is it flat out.
Foot hard down, barely moving.
That looks utterly feeble.
He's still not out.
And He's out.
Damn you! - What's the time? - You did it - Yes.
- in Yes.
45.
44! - So James May was the fastest? - Yes.
- And then I was the second fastest? - Yes.
And, with that test completed, it was time for our conclusion.
We've proved that SUVs are no good at sport or utility stuff.
And that if you want a vehicle, you're better off with a horse.
And with that, back to the tent.
(CHEERING) - Hang on.
- It was important work.
Thing is, we thought that we'd finished at that point, but Mr Willman had other ideas, so we're gonna be picking that up later on.
Yes, we shall.
However, now it's time to step in a dog turd of chat on Conversation Street.
Ow.
Aargh.
Ow.
JAMES: Ooh.
Ow.
Ow.
Ooh.
- (APPLAUSE) - It was a good day, that.
Now, I wanna stick, if I may, for a minute or two, on SUVs because 25 percent of all new cars sold in Britain these days are SUVs.
And the thing is, I was working out the other day why so many people buy them.
And I've worked it out.
See, if you were in a hatchback or a saloon and you see an SUV - which is larger - coming towards you, you think, "If we have an accident, "I'm gonna come off worse.
"So I'd better have one, too.
" They're like nuclear weapons.
Once one person's got one, everyone's gotta have one.
Next thing you know, Kim Jong-Un's got one, and then it's all a disaster.
But the fact remains, everybody has them or not, they are really silly.
The moment we asked that Alfa and that Porsche to do a tiny bit of off-roading in that horse arena, they just panicked and gave up and went into limp home mode.
I actually think they might have too much electronic stuff on them.
They do.
The four-wheel-drive system's all idiotic, and then the handbrake, that doesn't work, and the tailgate.
I mean, how do you actually load a dog into a car? I dunno.
I mean, you can't If you put your hand in to hold the dog back, then it's gonna detect your arm.
You'd have to go round and hold the dog against the seat.
But then you can't close the boot.
I know.
And also, while you're walking round, the dog's left on its own in a boot with an open tailgate.
What you're doing is asking a dog to stay alone in a room that's getting smaller.
It's not gonna do it, it's gonna run away.
There is no solution to this that I can think of.
There is a way to do it.
You'd have to put your dog in the boot, shoot it with a tranquiliser dart, so that it went out for a bit.
Well, yes, James, you could do that or you could buy a car with a manually closing boot lid.
Yeah, which would be cheaper, lighter, faster and easier.
So, that's covered that.
Don't buy SUVs, they're stupid.
But we have got more on them later on.
I've got a bit of conversation.
- Is it about iambic pentameters? - No.
- Is it about the Embraer 190? - No.
- Is it about plywood? - No.
- What is it about? - It's about vans.
- Is it? - Yes.
Because I borrowed a transit van the other day and the amazing thing about it is, it's got all the equipment you'd expect on a posh car, including those sensing headlights that dip automatically.
So when they see lights coming the other way, they automatically dip, but they also dip if they see a reflective road sign.
Oh, I know, that's unbelievable, cos it blinds you, cos they've dipped.
And now you can't see where you're going, as you approach a sign warning you of a hazard ahead which you then can't see.
No, they are stupid.
Here comes a really dangerous right-hand bend.
- I'll just turn the lights off so you can't see it.
- They do do that.
But apart from that, I have to say, the Ford Transit van long wheel-base, is absolutely brilliant.
Much better than any SUV and half the price.
And the amazing thing is, you can get absolutely tonnes in the back of it.
Well, yeah, James.
It's a van.
It's kinda what it's for.
The one problem with it was, I found, is that when you load a van, you have to get out.
You don't step out, you sort of do a little jump No, I don't do a little jump.
I just You do a little jump, but what I didn't think of was that I had my big parka on, and as I jumped out, the hood caught on the roof and I actually hanged myself pretty much as I If you actually had hung yourself, we'd have put out a press release saying that you'd died in an autoerotic accident.
- Yeah, we would.
- Thank you.
- Did you have an orange in your mouth? - No, I didn't.
You would have done in our version of events.
You'd have been wearing a fur-lined anorak and nothing else.
When you were found by police.
Bet you wish you hadn't started that conversation now.
Now, we get quite a few letters asking us why we never review anything made by Tesla.
Mm, very simple, actually.
Many years ago, I gave a firm but fair review to the Roadster - picture of that one there.
- Yep, and Tesla sued.
- Yes, they did.
And they lost.
And then they appealed and they lost that.
Which is all fine, but being sued is a massive pain in the arse.
It keeps you awake at night, really stressy.
So I thought I will never, ever review another Tesla as long as I live, I shall simply ignore them.
However, Tesla is on the brink of becoming a mainstream manufacturer.
They reckon that by the end of this year, they'll be bigger than Volvo.
Mm.
So I couldn't really ignore them any more.
Which is why I decided to test the new Model X, OK? Because I thought this might actually be an SUV we all like.
JEREMY: With its bobby-dazzler back doors, this doesn't look like a normal family SUV, it looks better.
Especially on the inside.
And it's more practical, too.
Because you have seating for seven, a boot at the back that's big enough for an owl sanctuary, and then another boot at the front, because, of course, it's electric so there's no engine.
Most of all, though, I'm intrigued by this car because it represents a whole new way of thinking about What a car actually is.
Take this enormous command and control screen as an example.
It does all the usual stuff: navigation, music, connectivity and so on, and so much more besides.
For example, if I want, I can turn it into a sketchpad.
Then I can just draw pretty patterns and so on as I go along.
Or, if I'm bored with being in - where am I here? - there you are, Swindon, which I am, I can change it so that I become On Mars! Look at that, I'm actually on Mars.
I mean, I'm not there, obviously, but it says I am and that's fun! Ooh, and this is a good one.
If you don't want to see the car you're driving depicted on the screen, you can change it so that it becomes (LAUGHING) Bond's Lotus.
That is actually quite funny.
Of course, you may think all of this might be a bit of a distraction when you're driving.
Ah, well, now, you see, that's the thing.
Because if I pull this lever here twice (BEEPS) I get a bong to tell me I've engaged the autopilot, which means I'm not driving.
It is.
Seriously, it's doing it all by itself.
Legally, cars aren't allowed to drive around by themselves but this is getting awfully close because it's reading the white lines in the road and then simply sticking between them.
Then if I want to change lanes, I don't have to bother with any of that mirror, signal, manoeuvre nonsense, you just put the indicator on And if it's safe to pull out, it does.
Put the indicator on to pull back into the central lane and (LAUGHING) That's just astonishing! All of this means that I can drive along writing important messages on my sketchpad.
Because I know that if the car in front slows down, I'll slow down.
If it speeds up, I'll speed up.
If the traffic stops, I'll stop.
Honestly, this is the most relaxing thing I've ever driven.
Cos all I have to do is sit here.
Unless, of course, I can't be bothered to do even that.
OK, the car is over there and I literally can't be arsed to walk to it.
So, take out my phone, put it in summon mode, connecting to vehicle and Here we go.
(BEEPING) Look at that! I mean, it can't extricate itself from a parking space or come to you from the other side of town, so it is only a gimmick.
But what's wrong with a gimmick? That's brilliant! And Stop! (BEEPS) But what's it like if you do actually drive it? Well, because it's electric, it's quiet, obviously.
Eerily quiet.
Stupidly quiet.
Too quiet, as they say in the movies.
It's also heavy because of its massive battery pack.
However, because it's mounted under the floor, the centre of gravity is very low down.
And because you've got one electric motor at the front running the front wheels and one at the back driving the back wheels .
.
the car feels nimble and agile.
Feels good.
So, you're thinking it's a fun-filled family car with show-off doors and lots of stuff to excite your inner child, but that there's nothing here for the enthusiastic motorist.
Hm Not so fast on that one Because what I'm gonna do now is drag race this family SUV against a mid-engine, V10-powered 600 horsepower Audi R8.
Right, before I do this I'm going to engage what's called "Ludicrous Mode".
There we are.
Hold on, I've got a choice.
"Do you wanna do this?" "No, I want my Mommy.
" "Yes, bring it on!" There we are.
And then, because I have the mental age of a nine-year-old, I'm going to use the warp speed graphic.
And there it is! Right, good.
I'm ready.
Sweet Jesus! That really is properly ludicrous! A hundred miles an hour! 105, 110 112, the Audi's coming! But not fast enough! That is astonishing! Small wonder this thing is fitted with my favourite mode of them all - celebration mode.
There we are.
All I have to do now is put it in park, get out and lock the doors.
Watch this.
MOZART: Marriage Of Figaro Overture So, this may be a two-and-a-half tonne, seven-seater PlayStation, but it'll do 0-60 in 3.
1 seconds and has a top speed of 155.
So it really does seem to be all things to all men.
It's serious and light-hearted.
It's sensible and daft.
It doesn't feel like anything else.
It doesn't go like anything else.
It's fabulous.
There are, however, some drawbacks.
But before talking about those, Mr Willman said I should fill the remaining six seats with a team of lawyers.
First thing I wanna talk about is range, because Tesla say this will do 351 miles between charges.
But, in my experience, electric cars never do the range How extensive is your experience, Jeremy? How many electric cars have you driven? - Two.
- Ah.
Both of them failed to do the range that the manufacturer said they would do.
Cos it depends on temperature, it depends on a million things, and anyway As you've said, legally we need to make very clear, it depends.
It depends on the conditions.
Most people are not driving like a maniac like you.
I'm not.
I'm doing 34 miles an hour.
At the moment.
So that we're clear, we completely accept that this car can do 351 miles between charges, don't we? I don't know, I haven't tried it.
I think we should accept that if that's what Tesla says and we don't have any evidence to the contrary.
What, you just take what a car manufacturer says as being gospel? Vauxhall says its cars are exciting.
I wouldn't wish to contradict them on television unless we had strong evidence to the contrary.
Suggesting a claim by the manufacturer is untrue is not where we're going to go today, is it? All right, then.
Batteries.
We on this show have some experience of electrical fires in a crash.
And this has the same sort of batteries that the Rimac had.
Yeah, that was in a crash, wasn't it? Drove off an edge and rolled down two hillsides.
You're saying Richard Hammond was too small to see over the steering wheel? I'm not saying anything, I'm just saying that that was a crash.
What people don't understand is that if you crash an electrical car, and it has lithium-ion batteries, it could catch fire.
And often, the fire brigade will turn up and they've only got water on board, so as you're sitting there, on fire, you're then being electrocuted.
It's just something that's worth bearing in mind, isn't it? I think we should make it clear that we're not suggesting that these cars have any inherent defect.
I mean, look what happened with Samsung with their batteries.
We're not gonna start defaming Samsung, are we? I think the battery is a good analogy for libel law and reviews generally, in that it has to be balanced.
You must have the positive and you must have the negative.
Shall we bear that in mind? What we should bear in mind is that - what I've just written on the screen.
I know an area we need to discuss.
I think the biggest drawback with this car, actually, is the width of it.
It's so wide, 79 inches, that it won't actually go across Albert Bridge in London.
It really won't go across the bridge or do you mean it won't go through a width restriction, a road narrowing? Right, so I have to say this is too wide to fit through the width restriction at the start, and indeed finish, of Albert Bridge? That's perfect.
There is, however, one advantage to this size.
Especially in a supermarket car park when your Model X is full of lawyers.
- It can be interpreted - No, no.
Listen.
Mean what you say, say what you mean, that's the law.
Just stay there, all right? Stay there.
(BEEPING) OK.
Got the phone.
Summon mode, forwards.
(BEEPING) I'm sorry, that never ceases to amaze me.
Little bit more, little bit more And Stop! Right, now they can't open the doors - they're trapped - which means they can't interfere when I tell you this car's really big drawback.
It's £156,000.
(APPLAUSE) JEREMY: There is a lot to like on that.
- Yeah.
- There's a lot to like.
Thing is, though, is that an SUV that we all like? No.
Not at that price.
No, 156 is silly.
I do love some of the gimmicks.
Yeah, now, on that, I have to say, you know the summon facility it's got on it? That didn't always work.
And then there was the business on the motorway where it checks for traffic coming behind before moving lanes.
How'd you find that? Well, I can't say.
So I got a lawyer to write this for me.
- (LAUGHTER) - Really? It's my honest belief that a driverless system does not always behave as you'd expect and when it doesn't, it can be discomforting.
Discomforting? However, I acknowledge and accept that a number of external factors can reasonably result in a driverless car's decision to deactivate self-driving, including, but not limited to, other cars on the road unexpectedly accelerating.
- So - No.
- What? - No, just For the avoidance of any doubt, these personal observations about driverless cars are my honest opinion and should not be regarded as any statement about the general safety, roadworthiness or mechanical effectiveness of this specific car or any other Tesla vehicle.
It is bloody fast, though, isn't it? - It really was! - Really fast! We actually put it round the Eboladrome.
It did a 1.
29.
06, which is the same as a five-litre Mustang.
- It's quick, isn't it? - It is quick.
But anyway, we must park the Tesla now and move on to Celebrity Face Off! (CHEERING) Another important question, and it's this.
Who is the world's fastest golfing enthusiast? Well, to find out, would you please welcome Rory McIlroy and Paris Hilton! (CHEERING AND WHISTLING) JEREMY: Look at this! That is a surprise! Hello, chap, how are you? Have a seat.
Paris, lovely to see you, how are you? - Great.
- Have a seat! We're not messing around.
We are not messing around this week.
Now, you are both golf enthusiasts.
You obviously are, cos you're heavyweight golfing champion of the world.
- Sorta need to be, yeah.
- (LAUGHTER) You, more of a surprise, but your family, of course, does own 50 golf tracks, doesn't it? Yes.
Or was it courses? Courses, that's what it is.
Fifty golf So you play quite a bit of golf.
I'm not as good a golfer as him, obviously.
As him? No, that figures.
But I have been playing since I was around four years old.
The one area of golf I really genuinely love are the golf carts.
Me too.
I don't think I've ever got out of a fully functioning golf cart.
In my life, ever.
Cos I've always crashed them.
I don't know what it is that makes you think: "Right, I'm going to go a million.
" You would like my golf cart because I've got the restrictor taken off it so it goes about 50 miles an hour.
- You're kidding.
- No, it does.
- That's sick.
- How much damage could I do with that? - You could do a lot.
- (LAUGHTER) I love the golf carts.
Actually, when I was a little girl, my grandfather has a Rolls Royce golf cart and a Bentley one.
So my sister and I decided that we wanted to race them.
So we're going around the pond on the golf course and going so fast, I smashed the Rolls into this huge rock.
The entire thing was smashed, it was totalled.
We were so scared, we just ran away.
And then later my grandpa's like, "Where's the Rolls? I wanna go golfing right now.
" Stolen.
Stolen is the answer.
That's what I always say.
Someone went and had a joyride in it.
I know one thing I wanted to talk about is golfing slang.
- OK.
- Cos apparently there's quite a bit of, well, it's quite rude.
Are you familiar with this? There's a Richard Hammond, I know that.
There's a Richard Hammond, which means straight down the middle like a rocket, then veers off into the rough at the last minute.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Jamie Oliver, you really wanna smack it but you can't.
(LAUGHTER) I actually like Jamie Oliver, make that quite plain.
This is not me, this is just golfing people.
Ryanair.
OK in the air but landed miles from where you wanted it to be.
(LAUGHTER) Right, shall we get on to cars? Cos this is another thing you two have in common.
Genuinely an astonishing collection of cars that you both have.
You started, at the age of 17, with a BMW.
Yeah, I had a 1 Series was my first car.
- Did that go well? - Not very well, no.
I thought I was cool having a BMW at that age, just passed my test.
Tried to do some handbrake turns in the golf club car park and that didn't go so well.
Nearly actually drove it through the front door of the golf club.
Hit a big, high kerb, bent the steering axle and I literally had to drive it like this to keep it straight for the five miles I went home.
And I got back to my parents and I said I had to swerve to miss a fox and hit a kerb.
But, any girls watching, they will have been impressed.
We've argued this many times.
When a girl sees a guy do a handbrake turn, it's like when a peacock does that feather thing.
(LAUGHTER) You say you're not interested, but you are, aren't you? - I think it's pretty hot.
- There you go.
First honest girl I've ever met.
So that was your 1 Series, and then you moved up quickly, age 19, I think? I won my first professional golf tournament at 19 and I always thought the image of success was a Ferrari, so I bought a Ferrari at 19.
How the hell did you insure it? The premium was quite high.
- Make it live for us.
- 25 grand a year.
(AUDIENCE GASPS) You need to win a lot of golf.
Yeah, you do, yeah, yeah.
And did that kindle a love of Ferraris? It did, yeah.
And I always knew that you've loved Ferraris and the reason that I have the cars that I have at the minute, I saw you test drive the F12 that I have.
Oh, the F12? That's a scary car.
- Yeah.
- You've got an F12 now? That's a really, that's almost too fast.
And didn't you get a LaFerrari? I've got a LaFerrari, yeah.
No, cos why did you go for a LaFerrari and not a P1, which I proved on this show was better? I would have killed myself in a P1, I think.
The P1 is nuts, but they are brilliant.
- I mean, the LaFerrari is also - It's incredible.
I haven't taken the LaFerrari on a track like what we obviously did today, and I don't know if I'd want to.
I'd be so scared of flipping it or rolling it.
That's where it belongs, on a track.
- I know, I just I'm scared.
- (LAUGHTER) That's an impressive car collection.
Well, not really a collection, but two really super-fast Ferraris.
But yours is not far behind, cos you've got a McLaren.
Yes.
- 650, yeah? - I love it.
I think it's just such a sexy car.
It is.
And then, and I really hate to say this, my favourite car in the whole wide world, you also own.
Which is slightly murderous, actually, is the word I'm looking for.
You've got a Lexus LFA.
I actually got the second one they ever made.
- Really? - So I was so excited.
And just driving on the street, no one had ever seen it before so they looked at it like a UFO or something.
That is definitely a head-turner.
Didn't you drive a Bentley every day? Yes, I actually had a Bentley custom-made so it's all baby pink with crystals on it.
- Oh, wow, that's - There you go.
It's very pink.
I used to drive it all the time, but when I drive it, it's literally like Mickey Mouse at Disneyland.
People are pulling over on the freeway.
- I wonder why.
- Taking selfies.
It causes, like, accidents almost, so I try to keep it at home now.
Anyway, listen.
You obviously came to do your laps.
There's no snow this week, which is good, but it's still quite greasy.
- It was icy.
- Yeah, it was a little greasy.
Icy and greasy, so we're not gonna be looking for a record time today.
And you were seriously pushing it, by all accounts.
I was.
I love driving fast.
And I love when there's no cops around to pull me over, so it's Exactly.
Well, anybody wanna see an outtake of Paris trying really hard? Let's have a look.
This is the last corner, which you've gotta slow down for.
Which we obviously never told the poor girl, here we go.
Shit! That's a properly big one, and well done.
- (APPLAUSE) - Thanks.
You did have a problem, apparently, with that last corner? Because I just wanted to go so fast at the end and then just making that right You've gotta slow right down to get round.
I thought I was gonna flip over, I was actually really scared at that point.
Would anybody like to see Paris's actual lap? AUDIENCE: Yes! Let's play the tape! JEREMY: Yep, that's an aggressive start.
Let's go! OK, the first S.
Ooh, beautifully done, keeping it very tidy.
I like to brake there.
Was that left foot braking? Probably not.
That's panic braking.
Ooh, I say, that's the tail out, there.
On to the difficult bit.
And how are we gonna handle this? First right, wide, but nicely held.
And completely off the track.
But that's OK, back on it again now.
(BLEEP) rocks! The what-ing rocks? Ooh, that's some family-friendly words there.
Through the gravel cell, still looking tidy, not necessarily the wrong thing to do, keeping it tidy.
Ooh, that's wild.
And now trying to get in shape, ready to go back on the tarmac.
I bet this was slippery, too.
Ooh, no, you've done that beautifully.
And then Right, now, round the final left and on to the straight flat out.
Let's do it! Now, this isn't your tricky bit.
This is now.
You've gotta start braking Now.
And do you? Oh, yeah.
That's heavy, that was probably too much braking, but there we are, anyway, you've made it across the line.
Nicely done.
(APPLAUSE) Good.
Looks good.
So what do you reckon, then, now you've seen that? Are you feeling nervous? - Yeah.
- (LAUGHTER) Anyone wanna see Rory's lap? - PARIS: Yeah! - AUDIENCE: Yes! Let's see if you chose the wrong sport.
Here we go.
Right, and we are underway.
Third, fourth.
.
Brake at the 50 board.
JEREMY: This is a man who's been listening to the instructors, haven't you? You can tell, that's nicely done.
Listening to the instructors is always the key, really.
Most men think, "I can go better than they do.
I know more than they do.
" Right and Holding it on.
Yeah, are we gonna take the Paris line? No, we're gonna stick on the actual track.
Ah, little bit.
Don't let it get too sideways, Rory! Yep, that's beautifully held through there.
Smooth power application, yep.
More of it.
Should have done this, you're in the wrong sport.
Ah, I dunno.
No, this is looking very good indeed.
Are we gonna be able to control it here? Very nice in, keeping it to the right.
Which puts you in the right place for that left.
You've managed to keep two tyres on the track, so that's all right.
And off we go.
OK, come on, lift a little, turn in! Probably not flat through there today.
It's too slippery, too icy.
RORY: Here's the corner we were having trouble with.
JEREMY: This is the tricky one, the last corner.
Ooh, bit of understeer but just keeping it Oh, no! Just about made it across the line! (APPLAUSE) Oh, yeah.
So there we are.
Right, so just so you know, I've got some times we've had.
Fastest so far 1:17, Kevin Pietersen.
Slowest, Dynamo, last week, 1.
39.
3.
But the track was two feet deep in snow so he has got an excuse.
- Oh, my goodness.
- He does.
Got your times here.
Paris Hilton 1.
25.
8.
So that puts you - have a round of applause for that.
(APPLAUSE) You're faster than two people you've never heard of: Alfie Boe and Bill Bailey are both, well, round about that sort of time, OK? 1.
25.
8, that's the time you've gotta beat on a greasy track, Rory.
One 21 - Ooh.
- point 9.
That is a very good time.
(APPLAUSE) Very good time.
Faster than Hugh Bonneville.
- There you go.
- Faster than Hugh Bonneville, and he was on a dry track.
So that was extremely good.
- I can't thank you enough for coming, I really can't.
- Thank you for having us.
Pleasure to have you here.
Ladies and gentlemen, Paris Hilton, and the world's fastest golfing enthusiast, Rory McIlroy! (CHEERING) Now.
Now.
Earlier on, we were in Canada, where we proved that medium-sized SUVs are useless at everything.
But Mr Willman said the tests we'd done were idiotic.
Yeah, he said people actually buy them to go canoeing and hiking and mountain biking, and he then also said that we could only come home once we'd completed one more challenge.
JAMES: Why are we towing speedboats? Never mind that, James.
Why have you bought a brown speedboat? Er, it's orange.
Never mind James's brown speed boat, where's your Alfa Romeo? It was stolen.
- No, it wasn't.
- It was! I came out of the hotel this morning, it was just gone.
Literally gone.
You know Canada is number one in the world for car theft? No, it isn't.
So what I've done is I've replaced it with this Ford F150 pickup truck, which is the best-selling vehicle, not just in Canada, but the entire world.
Yeah, but the fact is you've replaced your Alfa because we were told to tow speedboats and you can't fit a towbar to a Stelvio.
The problem is that they've routed the exhaust on the Stelvio in such a way that you can't, actually, as Hammond says, fit a towbar.
I think the thing is, that in Italy it's unmanly and undignified to tow something.
I mean, why would they tow something? It just slows you down.
Soon, we arrived at the start point for Mr Willman's challenge.
Which was precisely in the middle of nowhere.
- JEREMY: James - What? This is a skip.
No, it's just all stuff that was thrown in.
Literally thrown in, yeah.
- It's all boat stuff.
- Is it? There's a traffic cone.
Well, that's probably something to do with boating.
It isn't anything to do with boating! This is an oar and a boat suit and - What are you doing? - Looking for bears.
Why? Because one of the things I don't wanna be is eaten by a bear.
I wouldn't worry about being eaten by one.
Well, I do.
Well, they do far worse than that.
- (MESSAGE ALERT) - Hang on, hang on, we have a message, and it's from Mr Willman.
"Each of your cars has been fitted with a satellite compass which will direct you to the finish line.
Whoever arrives first can claim to have the best SUV.
" Well, that's me.
Well, apart from you haven't got an SUV.
It's got a twin turbo-charged V6 - same as the Alfa.
Four-wheel drive, same as the Alfa.
It's exactly the same colour.
JEREMY: With all that cleared up the race began.
- Ah! - (ENGINE STARTS) Right, where are we now? There.
My compass thing says I've gotta go in that direction for 5.
1 kilometres.
How hard can that be? Come on, little Porsche, this is your chance to show your off-road credentials.
The Porsche is the only one with a proper four-wheel drive system for this.
It can divert all of its power to the front wheels so it can scrabble its way out of trouble like a dog, pulling itself with its front legs.
Right.
Typical of those two, just roar off being brilliant.
Let's have a look at the map first.
Might just go straight up here.
Through these nettles.
What are they, Christmas trees? I don't know what they are.
If you really want to go off-road, you need a real off-roader.
A Range Rover, a Land Cruiser, a Raptor.
There's no point messing around with a little SUV.
It's not gonna go anywhere.
Speaking of which RICHARD: Oh, I'm stuck.
I'm going backwards now.
So I'm going west-northwest.
That's high terrain That's very high, I want to avoid that.
I should try to Come on, come on.
Four-wheel drive overload, rear-wheel drive only.
Reduce engine load.
It doesn't work! I need another route.
RICHARD: James, meanwhile, had sorted out his route and was now sorting out his car.
I'm putting my response system in grass, gravel and snow.
It has just started snowing.
- I also have - (HORN BEEPS) Who the hell is that? It's Hammond, look, he's got exactly nowhere.
(HORN BEEPS) What a spanner.
Anyway.
JEREMY: With both my colleagues still on the start line, I was winning by miles.
This is a very narrow little path, this one.
I don't want to be making a mess Oh, hello.
Right.
What that is is a fallen-down tree.
How the hell do you reverse a trailer? So if I turn the steering wheel this way This way.
Yeah, I've got it, I've got it.
This is a bit No, not Oh, shit, no! Ooh, God! Boat is still attached, correct.
Direction, roughly right.
Everything's excellent.
Plenty of power, this is good.
Right, arrow's pointing that way.
(RICHARD LAUGHS) Now we're making progress.
I want to go If I turn into the No, this way.
Oh, Christ, that's not right.
JEREMY: Having carefully unhitched the trailer Right.
I was soon turned round and back on the move looking for another route.
Trailers definitely have an intelligence.
They have a mind of their own and it's a vindictive mind.
It wants you to fail.
JEREMY: And, thanks to its vindictiveness, all of my lead in this important race was gone.
Quite ballsy of Land Rover, really, to build a car that doesn't have a low-ratio gearbox.
But there is a lot of electronically-controlled stuff.
The central diff, for example, it just locked for me then.
I can feel it working stuff out, finding the grip on different wheels.
And it works: look at that.
My off-road work is exceptional.
How long before James May says keep your thumbs out of the steering wheel? It's all he knows about off-roading.
Thumbs outside the steering wheel in case it kicks.
Mud ruts selected.
Just because it's gone a bit slippery.
JAMES: But then, I too hit a dead end.
Oh, cock.
Right, trailer reversing tip, if I look in the mirror and I say I want the boat to go that side, I lift that hand.
So you look in the mirror.
So I'll do that (THUD) Right, well, I am getting closer according to my electronic compass.
This is looking good.
I've just gotta hope they don't find this track.
To be honest, in the Raptor, I didn't need a track.
I'm not a fan of pickup trucks and I will kill you if you ever tell Richard Hammond this, but this is impressive.
It's just drumming its fingers coming along here.
I mean, if I'd have asked it to tow a battleship, maybe it would be struggling a bit, but a speedboat? Pah.
Yes! Well done you, little car! Do you know, I'm gonna win this.
Oh, hang on a minute.
This thing's telling me, it must be the other side of the lake.
I can see a flag.
There's a flag.
It's there.
Clearly, it would be impossible to drive the Macan round the shoreline.
So I needed to break out the map and find another route.
A track, a track, a track.
There will be one.
(HORN BEEPING) Oh Oh, good.
JEREMY: Why've you stopped here? Finish line's over there.
Yes, I know, I'm just working out how to get there! You just drive round the outside, look, on the beach.
I can't do that.
That's cos you're in the wrong car.
- No, you're in the wrong car.
- I'm not in the wrong car! You are! JEREMY: Rather than have a pointless debate about this, I decided to let the Raptor do the talking.
Here we go.
Oh, yep.
JAMES: Meanwhile, very far back, in a blizzard, on a hill, the Velar's electronics, predictably, were starting to struggle.
Right, no traction launch.
Activate.
Doesn't like it.
Oh, no! I've gotta be honest, I'm a bit disappointed.
I'm using absolutely everything on here.
No.
Come on.
There you go.
Oh! What's that big bump? This beach is woodier than I thought.
But the speedboat is still upright, and that's good.
And round we go.
Ooh.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no! No! Bloody hell! Distance, reducing.
Hill descent control is automatically on.
Controlling the speed with my thumb.
It's excellent at going down hills, this Range Rover.
Not so sure about it going up them.
JEREMY: Having righted the boat with no help from any of the film crew I was back on the move.
Stop just dithering about.
Ooh, God! Found it.
This is what we need.
Proper track.
It's farther from the lake, I'll have further to go but I can get a move on.
Now we've got a race on our hands.
JAMES: Eventually, I arrived at the lake, but I wasn't worried about how far back I was because I'd had an idea.
That message from Mr Willman, it said the first person to get to the finishing line, didn't it? - Is that right, director? - Yes.
The first person.
Didn't say anything about the car.
So why don't I just unload the boat and boat across? JEREMY: Meanwhile, I'd left the difficult beach through a wood and was on a track with a problem.
My vindictive trailer has now decided to have a puncture.
Well, I'm going to pay it back by not stopping cos I haven't got time.
JEREMY: I didn't even stop when the vindictive trailer decided to be on fire.
Oh, I'm gonna lose that outboard.
(GROANS) Boat suit.
One wheel on my wagon and I'm still rolling along.
This is good.
This is very good.
But then Bloody hell.
No! I'm in another dead end! There was only one thing for it: another manual three-point turn.
(GROANING) (GRUNTING) This steel's just so warm and comfortable! Whoa! Come on! Drifting my boat.
(SIGHS) I'm 57.
No! No, no! Come on, come on, come on.
Right.
JAMES: Meanwhile, I was ready for the final charge.
Goodbye, losers.
Ignition, start! (ENGINE REVS) (ENGINE SPUTTERS) Oh, cock.
(RICHARD LAUGHS) I'm just going as fast as I dare.
Speed speed power.
JAMES: With the other two heading for failure, I got HMS Orange started and was cruising to an easy win.
This is just brilliant.
Full throttle! Oh, cock.
The boat is beginning to behave oddly! There is a bit of water coming in, but it's not very far.
Come on! There's the flag! Oh, really? Los-er! Oh, God.
- Well, hang on a minute.
- What? Where's your boat? - It's there.
- No, it's not.
It's just some bits of boat! It's a boat jigsaw.
So you're finishing this race without your car, without your trailer or the boat that was on it - I have got the boat! - You've got some bits of boat.
- You're claiming to be the winner.
- Listen.
You've come second, you're taking it badly.
I think it doesn't matter because an even more interesting race is developing out on the water as we speak.
Handling is affected by water ingress! It's getting closer to my kneecaps! Oh, Canadian flag, come on! Will he make it to the finish point before he sinks? - That's got some tension in it, hasn't it? - I know! There's no tension here, this is done.
- Oh, yeah, this is very tense.
- But we'll give you more.
You two! Help! Come and rescue! I'm going down! My boat's smashed to pieces, James, I can't help you with that.
My boat's, look, it'll take me ages.
It's all the way over there! It's going down! I'd have to move mine out of the way And then I'd have to walk up there, along those rocks It's gone! Oh, Jesus, ah! It's so cold! - JEREMY: Look, he's going - Argh, you bastard! JEREMY: Have you ever seen Argh! My testicles are retreating! We don't need to know that! - (CRIES OUT) - Oh, no! - Ooh! - Oh! Oh! That hurt me just watching! I've got a runny nose thinking of it.
My bits just shrivelled! (APPLAUSE) - (CHEERING) - That was a cold, cold day.
- What could we do? - I wouldn't want to be in that water.
- You couldn't help.
- I really wouldn't.
What that film proves is that if you want to buy a Range Rover Velar or a Stelvio or a Macan, you're better off with a Ford Raptor.
Yeah, not only that, the Raptor is actually nearly half the price.
Yes, but you can't buy a Raptor in Britain.
And so, on that terrible disappointment, for you lot, at least, it's time to end.
Thank you so much for watching, goodbye! (CHEERING)