The Grand Tour (2016) s03e12 Episode Script

Legends and Luggage

- Hello.
Thank you, everybody.
Hello! - Hello! - Hello.
- (CHEERING) - Hello, everybody.
- Thank you.
- Hello.
Thank you so much, thank you.
And coming up in this week's show JEREMY: James stands next to a car Richard pulls a face and some Toblerone falls over.
- (CHEERING) - Exciting stuff.
Exciting stuff.
It is, um It is an action-packed show.
But we start with Lancia.
I've said many times that over the last hundred years, no-one has made more truly exciting cars.
There was the Integrale and the Stratos, and the Fulvia, and the 037 - the list goes on, and on - and yet all they make today is a steaming pile of ordure called the Ypsilon.
Look at it.
I would rather have a maggot-infested wound - than drive one of those.
- (LAUGHTER) Honestly makes me sad that they've been reduced to making that, and it turns out I'm not the only one.
JEREMY: There's a man in Italy called Eugenio Amos, who looked at the old Delta Integrale and found himself wondering What would it be like if Lancia made it today? How would it feel? How would it go? And then he stopped wondering and decided to find out.
This is what he came up with.
(ENGINE ROARING) The engine is a 16-valve 2-litre turbo, as it was before, but it has new rods, new pistons, a new turbocharger, and a lot of electronic tweaking.
So now it develops 330 horsepower! That's 140 more than you got in the old car! And there's more good news.
Most of the body panels and suspension components are now made from either aluminium or carbon fibre.
And there are two advantages to that.
Number one, they won't rust, and number two, they're light.
And because of all this work, this car is pretty quick.
(ENGINE HUMMING) There's a fair bit of period turbo lag, as you can hear.
(CHUCKLES) But when it gets on song (ENGINE PITCH INCREASES) Bloody hell! It does 0-60 in four seconds.
And flat-out, it'll be doing more than 160 miles an hour.
The best thing, though, is that all the understeer you got in the original car has been replaced with an extraordinary amount of grip and neutrality.
It is a bloody brilliant car, this.
Look at this! (ENGINE ROARS) (HE CHUCKLES) It is properly quick through there.
Yes, I like this.
Don't go thinking, however, that all of the Lancia idiosyncrasies have been erased.
The steering wheel is mounted low down between my legs, so I can't see any of the dials.
And then here we've got a lot of buttons and knobs that don't seem to do anything at all.
I know this red one with the rocket ship - or is it a Philippe Starck lemon squeezer? I know that starts the engine.
But all the rest, no clue at all, I'm afraid.
No clue.
What does "levati" mean? To find out, I pulled over to chat with Eugenio, the man who created this car.
A man who turned out to be, let's say, fully Italian.
- On the steering wheel - Mm-hm? I've been a bit confused by this button.
EUGENIO: Levati? Well, "levati" in Italian means, it's the translation of the word, like, "move".
You press that button and you flash the lights, and hopefully people will move from your way.
So it just means That's Italian for "get out of my way"? Yes, exactly.
After clearing that up, he really got into his stride.
- Did you weld that? - Personally? - Mm.
- No.
It's like porn.
- Porn? - It's welding porn.
- What's the gold? - Um, it's to Basically, it would have a function.
Not in this case.
We just like it.
It's pretty.
- So it's just a pretty gold bar? - Yes.
Why did you do two doors? Two doors? Because Why not? - I think it looks cool.
- It looks very snazzy.
And then how would you describe that bottom now? Well, it's I would say it's a very nice ass.
- Mm-hm.
- And this is the more small detail.
I would say it's like the thong that comes out from the jeans.
That's OK.
With everything fully explained, I got back on the move.
You have got to love the Italians, haven't you? I mean, Eugenio said a lot of the stuff in here wasn't working because, "If it was working, then it would be an Audi.
" (CHUCKLES) I love this car precisely because it isn't an Audi.
And I love it because someone cared enough to make it.
And I love it most of all because it's giving me my youth back.
There is, however, one problem.
It costs a quarter of a million pounds.
And I'm sorry, but if I was going to spurt big lumps of money on an updated classic Lancia, I'd spurt them on the most classic Lancia of them all the Stratos.
Yes, you couldn't fit in it if you were shaped like a human, and thanks to its signature short wheelbase, it handled like a psychopath.
But, a few years back, a team of people from all across Europe, including Germany's 13th best horse rider, got together and wondered what a modern Stratos would be like.
And then they stopped wondering and got to work.
They bought a Ferrari 430, removed the entire body and threw it away.
And then 20 centimetres was cut from the wheelbase of what remained.
After this, the V8 was uprated and so was the cockpit frame.
A new exhaust system was fitted and then a new carbon fibre body was made to create this The new Stratos.
Pretty, isn't it? And it's even better when you get inside.
Look at this.
I fit.
And there's air-conditioning, and a button that changes the setting of the traction control.
And it's got door pockets big enough for a crash helmet, just like in the original.
(ENGINE STARTS AND REVS) Right, let's see if this is just misty-eyed nostalgia, or whether it actually works.
(ENGINE REVVING) It is not misty-eyed nostalgia.
The first thing you notice is the stiffness.
And then there's the lightness.
It's actually 100 kilograms lighter than the Ferrari on which it's based.
You can certainly feel that when you accelerate.
Nought to 60 Three point three seconds.
And it'll keep on going all the way past 200! This is alarmingly fast! Jesus H Christ! You sense it too in the corners.
- (TYRES SQUEALING) - It's just so darty.
It's like driving a a dragonfly.
I thought the McLaren Senna felt light, but this Jesus.
(TYRES SQUEALING) (HE CHUCKLES) And because of the short wheelbase, it's incredibly playful.
Never does the same thing twice.
Here I come to Your Name Here.
(TYRES SCREECHING) Let's try that again, same corner, same input, same line.
(TYRES SCREECHING) It's got understeer this time.
- Same input.
- (TYRES SCREECHING) There we go! There you are, ha-ha.
(TYRES SCREECHING) This is a complete mentalist.
It's like one of those interactive computer books where you choose the ending.
Except you don't choose the ending.
It does.
This, then, is very like the original Stratos.
Which means you have to be an utterly, utterly brilliant driver to get the best out of it.
If you aren't a particularly brilliant driver, well (TYRES SCREECHING) Yeah.
This is going to happen a lot.
I don't care, though, because spinning and having accidents, it's like falling off your Raleigh Burner BMX, which is what this car (TYRES SCREECHING) is.
(CHUCKLES) Unfortunately, however, it's not priced like a Raleigh Burner BMX.
It's actually priced like a really big house.
(APPLAUSE) One of my favourite, most exciting, cars.
- Uh-huh? - Yeah, no, I loved it.
I really did love it.
Yeah, that's all well and good.
- Mm? - Go on, then.
- What? - How much is it? - £650,000.
- For God's sake! Really? - £650,000? - Yes.
For an old Ferrari with a bit sawn out of the middle? Well, it's a bit more than that.
Look, if you want a Stratos, why don't you just buy a Stratos? I don't fit in the original Stratos.
Well, you would if we sawed a bit out of the middle of you.
- I've just remembered something.
- What? - I don't want to talk to you two any more.
- Do you not? No, I want to see how fast Abbie can get that remarkable Stratos That unremarkable old Ferrari Stratos around the Eboladrome.
(ENGINE ROARING) JEREMY: Away it goes, looking magnificent and sounding pretty good too.
(ROARING) Immediately onto the Isn't Straight.
Ooh, easing off a little there for one of the right-handers, but very, very tidy through there.
Now, Abbie dropping into Your Name Here, and even tidier through there.
But, how many random handling tricks will we get round there? Absolutely none at all.
It's nailed there! Flicking out the other side like a flea, and already on the run back to Old Lady's House.
It's faster and sharper, a Ferrari improved by the removal of needless weight and length.
Now, Old Lady's House, here we go.
Danced through there brilliantly.
And absolutely brilliant through the second bit as well.
And now the full-bore run to Substation.
- That thing looks epic.
- (TYRES SQUEALING) Stable under braking, tidy through the corner.
Bit of a squiggle on the way out.
Anything through Field of Sheep? No, tidy as anything and across the line! You've got to admit, that did look - It looks very exciting.
- That does look quick.
- It does.
- It does.
It looks very exciting.
I particularly enjoyed the bit where you said, "improved by the removal of needless length and weight.
" Well, that's me, isn't it? I mean, that is clearly Just Just No, I still don't want to talk to you.
- Do you not? How fast did it go? - No.
Yes, exactly.
Let's find out.
Look, there's the board.
Let's see where the Stratos goes on it.
- (BELL PINGS) - Yeah.
JEREMY: 17th.
That's not bad.
JAMES: No, hang on a minute.
- What do you mean, "Hang on a minute"? - That's over a second slower than a four-door BMW saloon.
Yeah, no, it is slower, but it's a lot more expensive, so - Good point.
- Tell you what.
Let's find out how fast the Delta went, OK? Integrale.
Here we go.
Didn't bother filming it, but we have got the time.
- (BELL PINGS) - Ah Oh.
Now, an old No, look at it this way.
It's actually the same speed as a BMW M2.
I think I can also claim quite reasonably that the old Mercedes A45 would go round the track faster than that.
Yeah, and be a hell of a lot cheaper, just a fact.
Yes, but, but, everything on a Mercedes would work, - and who wants that? Be dull.
- (LAUGHTER) It's what Eu It's what Eugenio was saying.
You don't want German.
You aren't in the Italian frame of mind, you two.
- Are we not? - No, you're not.
That's the trouble.
- Has anyone here got an Italian car? - (NO REPLY FROM AUDIENCE) No, they're not here, are they? They didn't make it.
- (LAUGHTER) - It's raining.
Did you Yes, that is a good point, actually.
It's also very windy, and before the tent blows away, we should get on.
We should.
We must move on, because now it is time for us to score a bag of chat from the dealer of debate - God.
- on Conversation Street.
(LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC) (THUD) I like that one.
I really like that one.
It's my favourite.
- I don't even remember my head coming off.
- I do.
Anyway, look, let's get on with it.
I've got some very interesting news for you, James.
Oh, God! Not more speed of bloody birds, please.
- Oh, is it? - No.
- Speed of fish.
- Oh, for God's sake, no.
- Go on, go on.
- OK.
How fast do you think a salmon can cross a road? Salmon don't cross roads.
You're thinking of a chicken.
You say that.
Watch this piece of footage I found on the internet.
JEREMY: Look at that! RICHARD: What, are they salmon? - They're fish? - It's actually salmons.
RICHARD: Oh, no, that is actually quite interesting.
It is.
Look at them! There's hundreds of them going across a road.
- What are they doing? - This is the interesting thing.
If I were a salmon And they have to go back to their breeding ground, or spawning ground, don't they? I wouldn't be bothered.
I'd just stay on the other side.
"Oh, I'll have the baby here.
" When my children were born, I didn't think, "I've got to get back to Doncaster!" I just went to the nearest hospital.
No, salmon are very determined.
You have to respect them for that.
Actually, fish, I think, are pretty cool.
Actually, is it not remarkable that car-makers have never named cars after fish? Good conversation.
They've named them after, you know Big cats, they've done.
- Birds.
Lots of birds.
- Birds they've done.
- The weather.
- Greek gods.
Why has there never been a Ferrari Salmon? Determined, agile, good at cornering.
Lamborghini Tuna.
Yeah, I was gonna The tuna is a very fast fish.
- 40 miles an hour, a tuna will go.
- Faster than a speedboat.
Faster than a jet-ski you rent on holiday.
It's a brilliant idea.
I can't wait for the Ford Haddock.
- Mm.
- (LAUGHTER) Can anyone think of a car that's been named after a fish? - Stingray.
- Barracuda.
- Oh, now - There's the Stingray Stingray, yes.
Isn't it amazing how all cars are named after fish? - It's an astonishing thing.
- We can edit all that other stuff out.
Yeah, the audience knows a lot more than we do.
That's basically what we're talking about.
I'd completely forgotten about the Barracuda.
Plymouth Barracuda, yeah, and the Opel.
Yes, absolutely.
Now, you know we've always said that Canada is God's pantry, yeah? - Yes.
- And that Saudi Arabia is his petrol station.
Yeah, and Lancashire is his cupboard under the stairs.
Our tent's about to blow down.
This is the wind tunnel.
France is his drinks globe.
France is the drinks globe.
Argentina is his cesspit, Bol Bolivia is his Yeah.
It is.
You really got that one, yeah.
Point I'm trying to make, though, is, as we've always agreed, Italy is his race track, yes? - Yeah.
- This is a known fact.
We saw it earlier with the Integrale and the Stratos.
Now, this is a point that's been proved, because the mayor of a small hamlet, um, called Acquetico in near the French border, he installed a speed camera on a two-week trial period, OK? Now, we've got a picture of the village in question here.
RICHARD: Oh, that's lovely.
Yeah, we're not talking about a vast metropolis here.
Now, in the two-week trial period of the speed camera, the number of people it caught breaking the speed limit was - 58,560.
- What? - (LAUGHTER) - There, in that village? JEREMY: 58,500, in two weeks! - What? They can't help themselves, the Italians, can they? Well, wait a minute.
That many in two weeks, during - Let's assume it was quieter at night.
It looks it.
- Yeah.
So during the day there must have been at least one car every ten seconds setting the camera off.
People would have been done twice a day.
No, wait.
On the way to work, then back for lunch, - then back to work, then back home at night.
- "It's happened again.
" "This flashing is annoying.
" What I, what I love, though, is the mayor is still deciding whether a speed camera is necessary.
- (LAUGHTER) - What does he want? He's quoted in one of the papers I read the other day as saying, "Well, the problem is we have good asphalt and long continuous bends.
" So, he's basically said, "It's a really nice road, so of course people are going to speed.
" "Plus, we're Italian, so what do you expect?" No, good effort.
Meanwhile, in the UK, things are rather different.
Um, there's a man in Bedfordshire, right, he's Which is a county in England-land if you're watching elsewhere.
Er, and he's put a fake speed camera on the side of his house, which is by the A1.
We're got a picture of it here.
As you can see, it is very realistic.
- Would you agree, yeah? - Completely.
And he's been told to take it down because the highways agency say it's distracting drivers.
- (LAUGHTER) - Oh, wait.
Wait a minute.
- Yeah.
- The highways agency have said something that looks exactly like a speed camera - is distracting drivers? - Yeah.
They've rather shot themselves in the foot with that one.
Yeah, because what they're saying is speed cameras are distracting drivers and they're therefore dangerous.
Speed cameras, according to the government, are killing baby children and small puppy dogs.
- (LAUGHTER) - So, shall we have a vote? Yeah, let's have Do we all agree? Who thinks all speed cameras should be removed? AUDIENCE: Yes! Highways agency, we agree with you.
- We support you in your campaign.
- 100% - 100% of us.
- of the British population agree that they should all be taken down now.
- Good, that's that sorted.
- Cleared that up.
- (LAUGHTER) - Er, I'd like to move I've got some very big and interesting conversation, actually.
- Peugeot have made -Mmm.
- An interesting car.
- Bet they haven't.
- Er, no chance.
No, they have.
I've got a picture of it here, look.
It is called the e-Legend.
RICHARD: Ooh, hang on.
- It has two electric motors.
It has 456 horsepower and it is designed to look like the old Peugeot 504 Coupe.
JEREMY: Well, it doesn't.
- No, they say it does.
- It does a bit.
- It doesn't.
Looks more like the 505 GTi, he said in a rather boring way.
I don't care what old car it looks a bit like.
- Look.
It looks fantastic.
- It does.
When can we buy it? - Er, you can't.
- Oh.
No, it's just a sort of concept car design study.
What you can buy, though, right now, is, er, this.
RICHARD: Oh, God, really? - Yeah.
That's called the, er That's called the Rifter.
It's a sort of diesel van.
Oh, what is wrong with Peugeot? - It's a good question.
- Why are they reminding us that they used to build some really very good-looking cars, and then we can only buy dreary crap like that? - (LAUGHTER) - No, it baffles me, because why would you make a concept car you can't buy? When you go to a greengrocer, "This succulent, juicy apple, you can't have that one.
We've got some mouldy ones in the back.
" Peugeot, go to a greengrocer and see how they do business, and then learn from them.
- (LAUGHTER) - Now, a few months ago, there was a bit of a problem in Britain.
It's been going on for a year or more, where kids are getting on mopeds, riding down the pavement, another kid on the back, helping themselves to people's phones and old ladies' handbags and what have you, as they're going along, yeah? It's a big problem for the police because in busy city streets, how do you chase a moped? - You can't.
- Well, exactly, no.
However, the police came up with an idea that they thought would solve it, which was to basically ram the moped thieves, OK? (CHEERING) You're applauding? We've actually got footage of them doing just that here.
There he is, and bam! - (LAUGHTER AND CHEERING) - Yeah! Down you go.
And booyah! That's what you need.
You see, we're all in favour of that, are we not? - Yeah, yeah.
- It's the only time in my life I've ever wanted to be a policeman.
- (LAUGHTER) - No, you can't.
- Why? - You haven't got a moustache.
- That's true.
- No, but that - OK, I have had an idea.
- Oh, God.
Is it ridiculous? - Let me explain.
- That's a yes, then, it is.
Just let's see what everybody thinks.
OK, so best will in the world, the police are out patrolling, and they don't do much of that these days, as I'm sure we all know.
- Yeah.
- But even if they were, the chances of them encountering somebody who really was a moped thief in a place where they could realistically knock them off - is quite remote, yes? - Yes.
So how's this for an idea? All of us, as we're driving along in our cars, if you see a motorcycle, knock them off.
What, just any motorcyclist? Yes, because eventually somebody's bound to hit the right one and knock over, er, a moped thief.
Hang on, isn't that a bit like Pol Pot executing anybody who wore glasses in case they'd read a book? - (LAUGHTER) - Yes, it is.
Look, I admit, you two, I know you're not moped thieves, I know you're not, but you do ride motorcycles and that's fine.
And you are going to get, I have to admit, some hurty knees and a bit of grazing.
Well, yes, and quite a lot of other people, including Ewan McGregor, Jamie Oliver, Ross Noble.
The Hairy Bikers, for God's sake! - You can't knock them over.
- Yes, I know, you say that, but they're just casualties of war if you think about it.
- (LAUGHTER) - The main thing is that we are bound to totally end moped thievery, - and we'd all have a good laugh at the same time.
- No.
Come on, you would.
You can't ram bikers.
I'm not saying we ram them.
A gentle nudge.
Anybody here ride motorcycle? - Yes.
Well done.
- (LAUGHTER) Anyway, I think that's the end of Conversation Street.
- Yes, it is.
- Let's move it on.
Yeah, let's move it on.
Earlier on, Jeremy was listing all the wonderful and remarkable cars that Lancia have made over the years, but let's not forget Porsche has also made some rather remarkable cars.
There was the 911.
There was another sort of 911.
There was a slightly different 911 that was green.
Yes, yes, yes, I know, but this year marks the 50th anniversary of what I think must be the greatest Porsche of them all.
- Is it a 911? - No.
JAMES: It's called the Porsche 917.
And even if you have no interest in motorsport, you'll most likely recognise this machine because it's quite possibly the most iconic racing car ever created.
Now, today Porsche is the most successful car maker ever to race at Le Mans.
They have 19 victories to their name.
But this is the car that started it all.
This is the car that gave them that all-important first win.
Now, obviously, with a pedigree like that, it's quite valuable, around £14 million.
So when we asked the insurance if this would be OK, they said yes, but not the accident-prone little midget.
"It must be Captain Slowly.
" So let's see if I can make this thing live for you.
The first thing you need to know is that, although the 917 looks like a big, wide car, actually, it isn't.
(STRAINING) - I'm in.
- (HEAD THUMPS) God, it's tiny! (ENGINE GROWLING) (ENGINE ROARING) Holy mother! Ahh! (CHUCKLING) (ENGINE ROARING) The racket is just astonishing.
Imagine this for a 24-hour race.
Even though it's a 50-year-old car, the 917 is fast by the standards of any decade.
Nought to 60, 2.
7 seconds.
Top speed, 224 miles an hour.
And it was built without compromise, using the absolute bare minimum of materials.
So, for example, this bodywork, which is very close to my head, it's fibreglass, 1.
2 millimetres thick, that's it.
Now, in front of me I have a big rev counter, an oil temperature gauge, and an oil pressure gauge.
That's all the information you get.
If those are reading correctly, that means the engine isn't going to blow up, and that means you can pin it! Jeez! It's the world's fastest canoe! The five-litre 12-cylinder engine produces 621 horsepower, which is modest by the standards of today's road-going hypercars.
But this thing weighs just 800 kilograms.
As a result, the power-to-weight is off the scale! Bloody hell, this is special.
I'm amazed Porsche let me drive it at all.
I mean, they didn't give me any training.
They just put me in and said, "Pull zis und turn zat and, oh, you'll be fine, mm.
" What's more amazing than that, actually, is that this car exists at all, because its gestation was let's say it was quite difficult.
JAMES: The story of its birth starts in 1968, when the governing body for sports car racing, alarmed that the top-end, unregulated prototype cars were becoming too fast, too expensive, and too dangerous, decreed that such machines should have engines no larger than three litres.
However, the governing body also said that if you could build 25 road-going versions of your racing car, that engine limit would be raised to five litres.
Although, secretly they knew that no small sports car manufacturer could actually afford to do that.
They didn't think there'd be any takers.
What they hadn't reckoned on was Porsche's head of motorsport Ferdinand Piech.
Back then, Porsche was a tiny cash-starved outfit, nothing like the prosperous company we know today.
But Piech was so consumed with scoring an outright win at Le Mans that he decided he was going to build those 25 cars, even though the next Le Mans was only a few months away.
So, everybody, and I do mean everybody - the accountants, managers, office juniors, secretaries - they were all hauled away from their desks to go down to the production line and work on getting those cars ready.
They actually became known as the "secretary cars".
The ragtag Porsche team just made the deadline, and the motorsport inspectors gave the road cars the sign-off, presumably not inspecting them too closely or they would have noticed that most of them had truck axles.
(ENGINE ROARING) With the green light given for Porsche to enter the Le Mans race, Piech got to work getting some cars ready in time.
Now, on the plus side, they were blindingly fast.
One car clocked 238 on the Mulsanne Straight.
On the downside, though, they were terrifyingly unstable and virtually undriveable.
The drivers simply didn't know what the car was going to do next.
There was so much chassis flex that the gear lever would move around all over the place.
They'd make a gear change, put their hand there the next time, and it'd be somewhere else.
Piech hoped for a big win at the 1969 Le Mans race, but it was a disaster.
One of the privately-entered cars crashed on lap one, killing its driver.
The others broke down as the race wore on until just one remained, driven by this man, British driver Dickie Attwood.
"Difficult" would be, er, putting it mildly.
Um er, "life-threatening" could be another one.
- Um - Right.
It was, um, a monster.
It was made for speed, like a bullet, to go through the air, but the, er, there wasn't enough pressure on the bodywork to keep it on the ground.
And so the faster you went, the more unstable it was.
- (ENGINE REVVING) - It was so horrendous, I was waiting, hopefully, that the car would break.
And eventually it did.
But it was 21 hours before it broke.
We were six laps in the lead, so we hadn't got far to go.
But I was, I was happy the car broke.
Undeterred, Porsche hired British race engineer John Wyre, who'd helped to develop the Ford GT40, to sort out the 917's evil handling.
And he cracked the problem, with a little help from Mother Nature.
After one really long test session, Wyre and his drivers noticed that although the front of the car was absolutely plastered in dead bugs, there were none here on the rear wing, which must have meant the air wasn't flowing over it, and it wasn't producing any downforce, and it wasn't pressing the car down into the track.
Having reworked the aerodynamics of their problem child, Porsche arrived at the 1970 Le Mans race with renewed hope and Dickie Attwood once more at the wheel.
During the race, the 917s were blisteringly fast - as ever - but this time, mercifully, they were much more stable.
And although heavy rain claimed victim after victim, Attwood and the 917 took the chequered flag and gave Porsche their first ever outright win at Le Mans.
(CHEERING) It was a win they badly needed, because they had, quite literally, gambled the company on it.
It's also true to say that this car nearly broke Porsche, as well, didn't it? Because they were a very small company.
It did.
Um Again, it was Ferdinand Piech and, er, he was a guy who was, um, quite extreme.
He was so enthused to do what he's done that that nearly broke the company, it did.
Yeah, the racing programme nearly destroyed Porsche.
From then on, there was no stopping the 917 as it set about building its own legend.
The following year at Le Mans, on the way to another crushing victory, it would go through the speed traps at over 241 miles an hour, a record that stood for more than 20 years.
And in that same race, it was so fast it would cover a total of 3,315 miles, a distance record that would stand until 2010.
(CHEERING) And if that wasn't enough, Hollywood's greatest petrolhead, Steve McQueen, came to Le Mans and made the 917 a screen icon.
And now, since the legend is celebrating its 50th birthday, I think it deserves a fun day out.
So, I thought, why don't we put Mr Dickie Attwood back in it to stretch its legs a bit and spice things up, and whilst he's there, let's see how the old legend - I mean the car - stacks up against a modern Porsche.
- (ENGINE ROARING) - Specifically, this Porsche, the 911 GT2 RS, the biggest gun in Porsche's current arsenal.
Now, attentive viewers will have noticed that I'm not actually driving, and that's because I've decided to do this properly.
We're going to have old Porsche Le Mans-winning racing driver versus young Porsche Le Mans-winning racing driver, because this is Neel Jani, and he won for Porsche in 2016 in the 919.
To be honest, he's also probably a bit better at this than I am.
As for the cars themselves, on paper, it's a tough one to call.
We have 700 horsepower in here, 621 horsepower in the 917.
But the 917 weighs just 800 kilograms.
This weighs 1,830 kilograms.
It's over a tonne heavier.
But then again, we've got modern tyres and we've got modern brakes, and we have a modern gearbox with paddles.
So, I mean, God knows.
Let's find out.
What I hadn't considered in my comparisons was Dickie.
(GEAR CLICKS AND ENGINE ROARS) Whoa, cheeky! Look how bloody fast he's going.
The man's a loon.
He's 78.
He's going quick, huh? Carrying a massive amount of speed in the corner.
Here we go.
Have him! - (TYRES SCREECH) - Whoa! (LAUGHS) So, the red mist has descended again, after a pause of nearly half a century, and Mr Attwood has gone quite mad.
Oh, yes, this could be it.
Yes Oh, no! Ah, he's had you! (LAUGHS) Ah, you can't quite out-brake him cos you're too heavy.
But in the end, youth and modern rubber triumph over the flat hat.
Oh, we're right all We're all over his tail.
Here we go.
- Oh, ho-ho! - (ENGINES ROARING) Yes! Nicely done, sir.
I can keep my job.
Yeah, I think you can keep your job.
- Oh, I love Dickie Attwood.
-Oh, yeah, Dickie Attwood, what a man.
Really good.
So, you see, James, some old men can drive fast.
- Just saying.
- I didn't realise You know the Ferdinand Piech who did the 917? He went on, years later, to do the Bugatti Veyron, didn't he? Yes, he did, exactly right.
And before that, he did the Audi Quattro, the original one, and his grandfather, obviously, he did the Beetle, and his cousin, I think it was, did the 911.
Yeah, his cousin Ferdinand.
They were all called Ferdinand.
It's a true fact, this.
Porsche was started by Ferdinand, who had a son who took over the company, and he was called Ferdinand.
And then he handed it on to his son, who was called Ferdinand, and he did the 911.
- They're all Ferdinand.
- Yeah, but the second Ferdinand - Yeah.
- He had a sister.
- Called Ferdinand.
- No.
- (LAUGHTER) - She was called Louise.
And she had a daughter called Louise.
- There's a surprise.
- And a son called Ferdinand.
That was Ferdinand Piech who we were looking at there.
Exactly right, who did that car.
There's no wonder, really, that the 911 never changes, cos that family's got no imagination.
- (LAUGHTER) - "What shall we call our son?" "Hmm, I'm thinking Ferdinand.
" Want to guess what Ferdinand Piech's son was called? - Colin? - No, no, it was Ferdinand.
- Was it? - It was, yeah.
There is a surprise.
There is a surprise.
Anyway, let's move it on, shall we? Yep, let's move it on.
As you would probably imagine, we have to travel a lot to make this show.
I mean, just in making this series alone, we have been to Colombia, Detroit, Las Vegas, Scotland, Tbilisi, Baku, Istanbul, Helsinki, and Chongqing, Mongolia, Hong Kong, Florida, Spain, France, Italy, Switzerland.
That's just to make 13 programmes.
Yeah, and we're not making that up.
We genuinely have been that far.
And that means we have to go through a lot of airports.
And almost all of them drive us mad for a number of small reasons, and one big one.
- Yeah.
- What? - (LAUGHTER) - Well, you.
We have to travel with you everywhere, and you never stop ranting about it.
I do a little bit of that, yeah.
- A little bit? - Yeah.
The first 20 minutes of the film we're about to see are just rant before we even get to the point.
Yeah, that is true.
But it's worth it, as you shall see.
JEREMY: This is London Stansted Airport, which is located nowhere near London.
Here we are, Wetherspoons with runways, and miles of tape to make your life worse.
And why do they need a two-hour check-in? I mean, two hours to get my suitcase from the check-in desk to just behind that wall over there, which is where the plane is.
Go on.
Two hours! I could almost get it back to London in two hours.
- (SCANNER BEEPING) - Oh, good, security.
Time to take all my clothes off and give someone my toothpaste.
And, do you know, the worst thing is, I mean, the idiocy of people in these queues just beggars belief.
Look at her shoes.
You seen her? Look at her.
She looks like Elton John in Tommy.
It's going to take her three hours to take each one off.
And take your laptops out now, while you're in the queue, not when you get there.
I came here on a train, 2,000 people on it, and no security at all.
Going on an aeroplane.
Well, we'll do this.
- (BEEPING) - And then, of course, is your bag going to be selected for a special search? Of course it is.
All Yes, there you go.
You've been through an X-ray machine.
If you go to a hospital and you X-ray somebody's leg, OK, you say, "Right, it's not broken, I can see that, but let's just cut your flesh open to make sure.
" It They know.
It's been X-rayed.
Why are they looking at it again? Oh, here we go.
- Yeah, salt.
- (PLASTIC RUSTLING) Self-raising flour.
Normal flour.
(BEEPING NEARBY) Baking powder.
Talcum powder.
That's for my athlete's foot.
I've put them in clear bags.
Every single airport you go through anywhere in the world, why are they so interested in my condiments and medical necessities? - I mean - I don't know, mate.
And then you're out of security and straight into a shop, which wouldn't be so bad if it sold something you actually wanted, like bog roll or cat food.
But, no, all they sell is perfume.
Why do they think, when you get to an airport, "Oh, right, I'm suddenly overcome with a need to smell like Victoria Beckham"? Then you've got the adverts.
Look at that halfwit.
Look at him.
Every advert in every airport makes no sense.
And then you have these moronic slogans from companies that do things you don't understand.
"Manage your infrastructure like a visionary, not a functionary.
" What's that mean? Might as well say, "Manage your infrastructure like a visionary, not a shoplifter.
" There's a shop at Heathrow that sells a life-size pot horse.
I mean, who, when they're about to get on an aeroplane, goes, "Yes, that's exactly what I need, a brittle, fragile pot horse to lumber about"? I'm going to start an airline called "I'll Take My Chances Air".
You turn up, get on the plane, it takes off.
Nobody on board smells like Victoria Beckham.
No security, nothing.
If it blows up, it blows up.
Not that you can say "blows up" in an airport these days cos then you have to go to prison for 400 years.
Why is she wearing a tracksuit? Well, so she can be comfortable.
She's not going on a fighter jet.
She's going to Spain.
There's no g.
Well, there's one.
Well, I mean there's 1g now.
I'm not thinking, "Ooh, these jeans are really uncomfortable, I wish I'd worn a kaftan.
" And all those, they're the amuse-bouche of the problems you have at an airport.
Now it's time for the really big one - the distance to the gate.
- This never ends.
- Of course it doesn't end.
- Oh, God.
- Look at that.
Ten-minute walk to gates.
There's no such thing as a ten-minute walk.
Nobody walks for ten minutes.
Well, I mean, an ape would or a wildebeest, but not a human being.
Ten-minute walk! The distance from the bag drop here, to this gate we're going to, is 1.
2 kilometres.
In Atlanta, the walk to the furthest gate is two kilometres.
In Beijing, it's two miles! The astonishing miracle is that, so far, I haven't actually been run over by one of those karts going, "Beep, beep, beep, beep.
Fat bastard on board.
" And then you get to a corner, and is it the end? No, there's another mile of corridor to get down.
No-one in the history of aviation has ever flown from gate one.
There are no gate ones anywhere in the world.
"Here's your ticket.
Gate 374.
" Where's gate one? I can see now why James May volunteered not to be in this film.
And, finally, you get to the gate, which is so far from civilisation they're still using a dot matrix printer.
We have explained to him that the walk has to be this long because aeroplanes are wide because they've got wings, but he can't seem to understand the concept.
Look, you will admit that that was a long walk, yes? I don't care what the reason is, it's a long walk.
- It is quite a stretch, yes.
- Which is why we decided to address the problem.
Shut him up.
JEREMY: So, here we are arriving at the airport again with what looks like normal hand luggage.
OK, what I have here, as you can see, is a perfectly ordinary wheeled suitcase.
If I fold the handle away, it will fit in an overhead locker.
However, if I lay it down, like so, you can see starting to look like a car.
- Not really, mate.
- No, it is.
And it will look even more like a car when I have completed the build.
Simply open it up.
As you can see, all the things I need for a couple of nights away are in there.
It is actually a suitcase.
But also in here is, um, a steering wheel.
So, shut that up (GROANS) Yeah, you put your shirt over your steering wheel.
- It's not my shirt, it's my jacket.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Just move it off the steering column, zip it up.
- Right, and then - (CLICKS) You heard that.
A solid click like an M16 rifle bolt.
This is my accelerator, my brake, and then I simply sitting on it, being quite careful to keep that away from my plums.
And I am ready to go.
- So, where's yours? - Here.
- This is it.
- Yeah.
Put it on the floor.
- Wheeled laptop? - Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, but oh, I see, you stand on it.
- Yeah.
And I'm off.
- So where's your luggage? - In my pocket.
I got pants, toothbrush, everything I need.
I'm good to go.
Hammond, that does look a bit dangerous.
- It is.
- (LAUGHS) That's why I'm wearing all these pads.
Right, are we ready, then, to revolutionise air travel? Yeah.
The worst bit about every working day is about to get better.
Let's do this.
The speed! - (THUD) - Oh, shit.
I may have hit the other sign as well.
- My brakes aren't as good as I thought.
- I hit the big sign.
RICHARD: Another advantage of this, I am tall.
- I reckon I'm 5'11" on this.
- There's been a bit of a role reversal.
RICHARD: It's good.
- I've got to be honest with you.
In a matter of moments, we arrived at the check-in.
This is a good test.
I'm not a sheep, I'm not a sheep.
- I have solved customs.
- (CLATTERING) - (CLUNK) - Ah! Hello.
- Sorry about that.
- Sorry.
- Ow.
- Are you checking in a bag? - No.
- He's on it.
- I have it here.
It's here.
- He's not normally that tall.
- Shut up.
- (BEEPING) JEREMY: Into security.
- (THUD) - Oh, God, my foot.
- Sorry.
- That was my other foot.
- Yep, that happened.
- (BLEEPING) Can you, er, take out your laptop, please? Well, no, it is a laptop.
Look, that's it.
- It's a laptop.
- It's a laptop with wheels.
- Yeah, that's it, simple.
- That's a steering wheel.
- And what's that? - Car.
- Oh, God.
Just got to get undressed.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Do you want to see my penis? - Um, whoa, not right now.
There you go.
(BEEPING) Thanks.
Bet you never had a steering wheel go through customs before, have you? Ooh, ah.
- Right, onwards.
- (WHIRRING) I actually have nine wheels on my suitcase, not counting this one.
Oh, that was That was Ha-ha.
That was a bad mistake.
Yeah, sorry.
JEREMY: Soon we were motoring through the duty-free shops.
This works by leaning to steer it.
It runs on what are, I believe, called "trucks", which are the little wheels under skateboards, and they they go in the direction you lean.
Coming through.
(GASPS) Oh, sorry, madam.
I think it'd be better if it made a noise.
- Hello, this is the future.
- I want one! You're dragging your suitcase instead of using it to get you to the gate.
Beep, beep, beep.
Sorry, I've Sorry, I Thank you.
In full power mode, I have a top speed of 28 miles an hour but I'm not using that because in full power mode, you have no steering at all.
No, no, no, no, no! - (THUD AND CLATTERING) - Oh, sorry, mate RICHARD: Er, Jeremy, you've killed a man! - Oh, shit, no! - Oh, Hammond's gone! (HE GROANS) Ow.
- I meant that.
- He's gone! JEREMY: Eventually, though, I started to get the hang of my machine.
Handbrake turn.
(HE CHUCKLES) Hammond! - What? - I'm drifting a suitcase.
This is more like a race track than a shop.
Oh, shit! Oh, sh Can somebody do This is Where's the manager? This was like this when we got here.
OK, we could try and rebuild it, or Going to have to rebuild it.
Actually, genuinely hurt my leg.
Not that you're bothered.
I'm bothered when you hurt yourself, which is every time you get in a moving vehicle.
How bothered are you? I genuinely have hurt my ankle.
You're not going to get an air ambulance trip out of crashing into some chocolate bars.
Soon, we decided that instead of rebuilding the Toblerone mountain we should use the time we'd made up having a drink.
Um Can I have Er, sorry about that.
It's difficult to stop.
Um What do you want? Er, I'll have a gin and tonic.
Two gin and tonics, please.
So, it's a skateboard with a cordless drill motor, and then it gets its power from the laptop batteries? - And that's really a - Yeah.
It works.
There's my laptop.
That's actually quite clever.
The way we have to look at it is, yes, there was a small accident with the Toblerone, - and I did kill a man.
- You did.
But other than those minor drawbacks, I think we're going well.
I mean, when have we ever, in all of our travels, stopped for a gin and tonic at an airport? Never ever had time to do that.
JEREMY: Having finished our drinks, we set off into the warren of walkways.
This meant I could finally unleash my suitcase-mobile.
The speeeed! Oh, rides like a Tesla.
Ooh, ha.
Enjoying your walk? (CHUCKLES) Hammond, meanwhile, had decided to use the travellator.
I'm saving laptop batteries by doing this.
Just Oh, no, hang on a minute.
How am I going to get off the end of this? Wait.
I'm in reverse.
So I can stay I'm stationary, but only cos I'm in reverse.
Um If you just stride, stride, stride, stride.
Um Having eventually reunited Out of the way.
we arrived at the departure gate feeling fresh and calm.
Nothing to see here.
Nothing to see.
Is it gate 88, Hammond? What? No, mate, it's this one.
There's no plane! (THUDDING AND CLATTERING) (HE WINCES) And on that terrible disappointment, back to the tent.
- (APPLAUSE) RICHARD: I liked that bit.
- I enjoyed that bit.
- (CHEERING) That was quite hurty.
Right, we know how his works.
I I just I fell out of a tunnel! I'm not interested in that.
I want to know how yours works.
Well, it's exactly the same.
It was a cordless drill motor and some laptop batteries.
Right, and you're claiming that has a top speed of 28 miles an hour? I was doing 28 when I fell out of the tunnel.
- Really? - Yes, 28.
I didn't believe him either, so when the airport quietened down a bit, - we organised a race.
- Yeah, we did.
We got some drivers.
I got Abbie to ride my suitcase.
Yep, and my laptop was ridden by Aaron Davis, the second fastest young skateboarder in Britain, and you can't get better than that.
- Well You can.
- (LAUGHTER) You can get the fastest, but I didn't.
Anyway, you didn't.
Who wants to see the race? AUDIENCE: Yes! - OK, play the tape.
(TANNOY CHIME) JEREMY: Right, here's Abbie on my superb suitcase.
And here's Hammond's man on the laptop.
And now let's see what happens.
Three, two, one.
(WHIRRING) (LAUGHTER) That was exciting.
I think Who, here Hands up.
Who, here, would like to have one of those - for going through an airport? - Yeah, it's the way forward.
There you go.
We're onto something.
- It's the way forwards.
- Just hang on a minute.
Can I just ask, is that the first race in history where all of the competitors crashed before the finish? - (LAUGHTER) -Probably is, actually.
- Um, probably, yeah.
- Probably is.
- And let's not forget when you used your inventions, you fell off quite badly, you killed a man and then you drove out of the end of a tunnel.
Yes, I did do that, and I crashed into those Toblerone, which also hurt, yeah.
So those, those things you've created are a complete menace to the people using them, and everybody else in the airport.
- Uh - Fair? - Yeah.
- Yes, that is fair, actually, now I come to think of it.
And so, on that terrible disappointment, it's time to end.
Now, next week, there's a Grand Tour special.
We're attempting to cross the vast wilderness that is Mongolia, using a car that we built - well, they built - ourselves.
- (CHUCKLING) - See you then.
Take care.
- Good night.