The Great Indoors (2016) s01e13 Episode Script


1 Be careful.
Even I wouldn't touch the food here, and I've eaten yak's anus.
Jack, I thought we agreed we weren't going to discuss your ex-girlfriends.
And I wasn't going to order, my hands are just stuck to the menu.
Well, you said we didn't have to go anywhere fancy.
And you, sir, delivered.
You think this is bad? You should see my bedroom.
- Hmm.
- Do you want to see my bedroom? Hard to resist, but this is our third date.
We should probably talk.
Uh-oh, the only sentence that ever ends worse than that one is "I don't mean to be racist, but" Oh.
Okay, let me rephrase.
I don't mean to be racist, but where do you see us going? - Rachel.
I-I think you're awesome - Uh-oh.
The only sentence that ever ends worse than that one is "Oops, I usually use name-brand condoms, but" Look, I'm just not looking for anything serious right now.
So breakup sex? I should probably just leave with my dignity.
So who should breakup with who here? Uh, how about you breakup with me - but I get to slap you.
- All right.
Rachel, it's over.
[gasps] Bye.
Did you just shake that girl's hand? Please tell me you guys banged in the morning and you're just living the rest of your day in reverse.
[chuckles] Well, it was going great and then she brought up the future.
Ah, she wanted to define the relationship.
Classic DTR.
Not you, too, with the abbreviations.
Did Emma bite you when you were walking along the moors? You know, you may not be looking for anything serious, but most people our age are.
It's natural when you get old.
What? I'm not old.
[laughs] Try to sit on that bar stool without making a sound.
[sighs] You're officially old.
And not rich.
Which is the saddest kind of old.
Be cool.
That creepy old guy won't stop staring at us.
It's okay, he's turning away.
I'm Kaylie.
Jack Gordon.
First and last name.
Are you famous or are you just so self-centered that you name-dropped yourself? Both.
Well, Jack Gordon, I know it's early, but where do you see us going? Oh, my God, you, too? 'Cause I just got a text that DJ Kotopoto is spinning at a secret show in an abandoned porn theater.
Well, I don't see the To Catch a Predator guy, so I'm in.
- Let's drink on the way.
- All right.
But I have to warn you, I'm a sarcastic drunk.
My God, you're perfect.
Hey, are you stealing my glasses? Yeah.
You try and stop us, old man! [groans] Oh, God.
Oh, good.
[screaming] - What are you doing here? - I live here! Dude, did you hookup with my roommate? Dude, did you hookup with Mason's roommate? [screams] Wake up, Jack! My place has bed bugs, so I'm crashing with Mason.
Bro, you are swole.
EMMA: Guys, I've been waiting in the Uber.
What's with all the screaming? [all screaming] [elevator bell dings] Hey, Esther, how are you? Ugh.
I've got my landlord spying on me, so it's like pressure's on.
Hang in there.
Uh, Jack.
I'm glad you're here.
I'm afraid I've had to call an emergency meeting to discuss what happened with Kaylie last night.
[all oohing] All right.
Uh, well, what would you like? Like a post game play-by-play? Or more of a birds-and-the-bees kind of thing.
I don't need the talk, I've seen Animal Planet.
I can't believe Kaylie hooked up with an old.
Why does everyone keep saying that I'm old? [sighs] Dude, when you sit down, it sounds like a train stopping.
And you carry pocket candy you took from a restaurant.
Sometimes I crave a sweet.
Wait, how old do you think I am? I can't tell anyone's age over 30.
The first month you worked here, I thought that you and Roland were old college roommates.
You honestly think Roland and I went to school together? You honestly think Jack could have got into Oxford? Well, I hate to blow your minds, but Kaylie and I had a great time, and we're going out again.
Oh, Jack, come on.
There's no way a guy your age can handle Kaylie.
I mean, she loves to party, hates commitment, says yes to everything.
Literally every word that I would have tattooed on the lower back of my perfect woman.
I am not too old to date Kaylie.
[phone chimes] And you can find out for yourselves when we all meet up tonight at Eddie's.
Are we meeting there at 4:00, so you don't miss the early bird special? [laughs] Yeah.
Let's go later and miss the good fish.
Jack, this is uncharted territory for you.
You're gonna need a guide.
Somebody who has studied millennial girls his entire life.
Oh, so you're like Jane Goodall.
You've lived amongst the majestic creatures, but never touched them? Yeah.
Jane Goodall never touched them.
[grunts] The point is I can help you.
I say we give Jack and Kaylie a chance.
Someone needs to remind him when to take his pills.
We might not be the same age, but we make a great match.
I mean, she's fun, she loves adventure, and she has something the other girls I've been dating don't have.
- Baby teeth? - Homework? - Bedtime? - Training bra? BOTH: Noice! It's so frustrating when the young ones give us a rise like that, isn't it? We are not contemporaries! [groans] [grunts] [laughing] And then Mason and I hit Hoodie Con We were only wearing cardies.
[laughs] YOLO.
Anyway, uh, people were giving side-eyes, so we were like, "Bye, Felicia.
" [laughs] What is happening? And why is it Felicia's fault? Okay.
I'll translate for you.
Then I meet this uggs rando, and let me tell you, the thirst was real.
She met an unattractive, horny stranger.
This scammer said I shot him a DM, so I was like, "Show me the receipts.
" So the horny stranger said that they had history, but she wanted proof.
Burn notice! You just sit there and look pretty, actually.
So I was thinking after dinner, we could take some muscle relaxers and swim out to that new karaoke barge.
Well, I see no downside to a long night swim without muscle control.
You sure, Jack? It starts at midnight.
- It starts at midnight? - Ugh.
I know, it's stupid early, but maybe after we can shotgun some beers on the L.
Or make out in the back of a Korean revival church, or get naked and roll around on the front lawn of the original Home Alone house.
Do you want to do any of that? Yeah, Jack.
Do you want to do any of that? Okay, so here Mason is challenging you because he thinks you're too old to hang out with someone younger Yeah, I know.
Kaylie, I want to do all of that.
This animal onesie party is gonna be lit.
So lit.
[no audible music] This silent disco is so stupid.
Why am I having so much fun? It's from the molly.
Oh, cool.
Tell her I said thanks.
Oh, my God, this glow-in-the-dark party is gonna ratchet.
So ratchet.
Oh, here comes the drop! I think that was the drop.
[grunts] [door closes] Jack, this is the fifth night in a row you've been out.
I know you're having fun pretending you're still young, but you're making a fool of yourself and you're getting glitter everywhere.
Don't talk to me.
I need to get some sleep.
[alarm beeping] Don't talk to me.
I need to get to work.
Jack! The DJ is fire! Oh.
Struggling to keep up with Kaylie, are we? No, no, no, no, no, I've heard having a child is really exhausting.
We are having a blast, Brooke, so spare me the lecture on how I'm too old to be chasing a younger girl or too old to be staying out all night or too old to be making out with a police horse.
Actually, I fully support this phase.
I think it's really good for you.
I, uh, once had a bit of a wild phase, myself.
What did that involve? Giving a fake name at Starbucks? No, actually.
If you really want to know, I once kissed a girl.
Congrats, you were in a sorority.
And then we had a threesome with a quarterback in a Papa John's parking lot.
Shh, shh.
Just wait a minute, I'll ask her.
And then there was the loitering, shoplifting, bum fights, prank calls Wait a minute.
Did you say "bum fights"? Look, the point is eventually, I got it all out of my system and realized I was ready for someone like Paul.
Actual bums? You paid them money to fight? Yeah, all I'm saying is that one day, you'll be dating someone and suddenly, Sunday night will feel more important to you than Saturday.
You'll be more excited about staying in to watch TV with your boo than rolling out of some club to have sex in the parking lot of a Papa John's.
Separate incident.
Wow, you really love pizza.
Whoa, Jack, are you okay? You look like that French fry you find when you vacuum your car.
You look the same as you always have over 30.
[laughs] Kaylie and I are having a great time.
So I'm not too old to chase after a young girl, all right? [phone chimes] Oh, here she is now, on FaceTime, which is a video phone call technology.
Hey, boo.
Which is something we agreed I would call you.
What are you up to? I'm on a molly hike.
Oh, cool, tell her I said hi.
So what are we up to tonight? Well, it's my half-birthday Which is a real thing that I've always supported.
so I'm having a get-together with some people, including this Greek squash player I matched with a while back on Tinder.
Oh, boy.
Sorry, the connection's a little choppy.
Did you say you're going on a date with another guy? Yeah.
Is that not chill with you? MASON: Yeah, old man.
Is that not chill with you? No, I'm chill.
I'm totally chill.
I-I'm The Big Chill.
I'm Chilly Chonka and the Chocolate Factory.
Oh, just shut up, you beautiful idiot.
Hey, I got to go.
Someone brought their dog, and I need to rub it all over my body.
What the hell just happened? While you can keep up with Kaylie physically, it seems now, emotionally, you are way in Okay, I hit a nerve.
I don't get it.
Why would Kaylie want to date someone else when she already has the Jack Gordon? Jack, stop taking it out on those old-timey writing sticks.
This kind of thing is supes normal for our generation.
Yeah, we like to sample around before we commit to any one thing.
We do it with our careers, living situations lovers.
Can I look away now? Yeah, it is just sexual chaos out there, guys.
That's why I like to keep this fine piece of Clark on the sidelines.
[chuckles] Yeah, yeah.
Taking a break, huh? Your left hand getting jealous of your right? Got to even out the muscles, guys.
Turn up.
Jack, you only have so much time left.
Don't waste it proving I'm right.
Just tap out.
Tap out? Me? Why would Jack Gordon tap out? Also, how would Jack Gordon tap out? Like, what's the coolest way? Somebody please tell me.
I am drowning here.
Um, Jack, [clears throat] if you're not too busy, a bird just flew into my office.
I think it's a grey goose.
It, um, might be a-a wild turkey.
Uh [sighs] Jack, you look like hell.
You're irritable, lashing out at colleagues.
Have you got a drinking problem? - No.
- Well, have this then.
That should solve everything.
[chuckles] I get why I want to date other women, but why would Kaylie want to date other men? I mean, I'm Jack Gordon, the party sub of masculinity.
I'm the one who's supposed to be shared.
It all used to be so much simpler, didn't it? When only men were allowed to sleep around.
Though it makes you wonder, if only men were sleeping around, who were they sleeping with? I'm gonna write that down in my book.
[chuckles] Roland with the Punches.
[giggles] I-I'm starting to wonder if maybe I could stand a little commitment.
Jack, it's finally happened.
You've disappointed me.
When I was your age, I was cleaning up with younger women.
And you should be, too.
You have maturity, you have experience, you have wealth I don't have wealth.
That still mystifies me.
How can you be nearly 40 and still be poor? You know what you pay me.
Oh, yes, of course.
That's how I stay wealthy.
Jack, I want you to chase after as many younger women as you can without thinking of the future.
Why do you care so much? Because I need you to validate my own life decisions! You are right.
Why am I complaining about a dream situation? I'm gonna go to this half-birthday and meet some other girl.
And then we'll see if Kaylie can handle sharing this party sub.
Before you embark, remember what Shakespeare said, "When Love speaks, the voice of all the gods makes heaven drowsy with the harmony.
" And, uh, as a less famous poet put it, "Wrap it before you slap it.
" Jack, hi! I was worried that I scared you off after our last conversation.
Jack Gordon is totes down with this open relaysh.
Did you just use the words "totes down" and "open relaysh"? Jack, I think you're losing your damn mind.
Clark, come over here.
I need you to be my wingman.
And there it goes.
All right, so where should we start, playa? She's hot.
EMMA: Ooh, good choice.
Jenna's a total comet.
" Noun.
Someone who has sporadic but intense hookups.
- It's also an abrasive cleaner.
- Mm.
But just know, she's in a throuple with that guy Eric and - Oh.
- Oh.
- What? - Oh.
"Throuple" is a new term that means three people in a couple.
In the '80s, it was known as my mom, Brett, and Doug.
Yeah, I know what a throuple is.
But, wait, so Kaylie is seeing me, her, that guy, and a Greek squash player? Yeah, but that's about it.
Oh, unless you count half the people at that booth.
JACK: Yeah, they-they count.
They-they count.
Hey, so, uh, Clark just told me that half the people at this table are involved with Kaylie? That's not not not untrue.
Can you be a little more specific? Sure.
In the form of a riddle.
Three of my roommates have had sex with two of my roommates, and one of us has had sex with all of us.
Assuming half of us are straight, who's been with Kaylie? Um And there's a wildcard, Asexual Jeff.
I'm more attracted to objects.
Let me guess, you're also in a relationship with Kaylie? I'm her dad.
And, uh, what's a dad? Is that a creepy term for an old guy who buys her shoes and pays her rent in exchange for sex? I'm her biological father.
And it is an honor to meet you, sir.
KAYLIE: Jack, hi, - this is Davros.
He's from Greece - No.
Kaylie, uh, I'm not usually this guy, but what's going on with us? Uh, well, in an hour, we're gonna have a Roman candle fight in a non-union bread factory.
I mean us-us.
I don't want to sound too old-school, but are we going steady or what? Wait, are you asking me to DTR? I don't know.
I'm just so tired.
And-and am I a thirsty rando, a-a comet, a-a cupid or sex Rudolph or some other dumb phrase you whimsical maniacs just made up?! And why haven't you introduced me to your friend, Molly?! She seems great! Look, Jack, I really like you, but I'm just not really looking for anything serious right now.
Those are my words! They're mine! And I'm the party sub! Me! How am I not enough for you? Doesn't anyone here want to grow old in a throuple with me?! I-It's okay, everyone.
[chuckles] In no way is this a glimpse into your future.
Keep drinking! You'll be young forever! Oh, Jack, you're finally awake.
How long was I out? 18 hours, and one and a half Sharpies.
Yes, I'm afraid I can never really resist a good prank.
And I'm sorry about the penis I traced on your back.
That's okay.
I guess Wait, "traced"? And I want to apologize for encouraging you to chase after younger women.
Ah, it's not your fault.
I think I just freaked out 'cause I was exhausted.
EDDIE: Or did you freak out because, whether you admit it or not, you might actually want something more serious? Just tell me what you traced it from.
Uh, I just held it in place, it was Eddie who did most of the penning work.
Ah, he's alive! Eddie told me your muscles were starting to atrophy, but, um oh, yeah, these guns are locked and they are loaded.
Hands off, Clark, before he wants you to define the relationship.
[laughs] [imitating Jack]: "Are we going steady? "Who's Molly? I swallowed my pacifier.
" [chuckles] Guys, stop it, we should all be applauding Jack.
Yeah, not only did he realize he might want a relationship, but he did it in the most embarrassing way possible.
[clicks tongue] We all win.
At least I now know what kind of woman I want to be with.
So, I texted her and it turns out she was totes open to giving us another shot.
[door opens] Oh, looks like someone's ready to give Sundays a try.
Brooke paid bums to fight.
Hi, Rachel.
Hi, Jack.
I was surprised by your text.
Well, I'm trying to be a more mature.
No, by all of the emojis you used.
I wasn't sure if I was meeting you or a Korean club promoter.
[both sigh] So, what do you want to do tonight? [sighs] I had kind of a long day, so maybe we could just split a bottle of wine, unbutton our pants and hate-watch The Bachelor? Do you want to do any of that? I want to do all of that.
Then maybe some hand stuff? Well, it is our fourth date.
For an old, she's pretty hot.
[clicks tongue] Oh, yeah.
She's Papa John's hot.
Oh, you have something on your neck.
Ah, that's the outline of my boss's penis.
Wait, did you say "outline"?