The Great North (2021) s01e01 Episode Script

Sexi Moose Adventure

1 - Look up there - What do you see? Nature and stuff - Like a rock - And a tree Oh, the Great North Way up here, you can breathe the air Catch some fish Or gaze at a bear Wow Oh, the Great North Here we live, oh, oh Here we'll stay, oh, whoo From longest night to longest day In the Great North.
All right, I've chopped this month's wood, mended the fishing nets, canned a batch of pepper jelly, brainstormed my Halloween costume.
I think people are gonna love me as Sully from Monsters University.
And it's 5:00 a.
? Kids'll be up soon.
Ooh, I almost forgot to stare with wild wonder at Alaska's majesty while whispering "Hot dog.
" [whispers.]
Hot dog.
- Dad.
- Moon.
Drinking coffee again? Yes.
I am ten.
Besides, I was up all night tracking a red squirrel I believe ate some bologna I was drying on the roof.
- You mean this guy? - [chittering.]
- You got him.
- I'll set him free once I've had a few words with him about whose bologna is whose around here.
Thank you, Father.
Good morning, Ham.
How'd you sleep? [exhales.]
I dreamt I tasted an ice cream flavor called "buffet," and I awoke feeling complete.
And then I took a glorious dump.
WOLF: Sup, chumps? [chuckles.]
I'm just kidding.
Just fooling around.
Good morning, brother, brother, Father.
Ah, the fiancés are up.
I've been thinking about your wedding, and I have some one idea.
- We do it on the family boat! - No.
I picked out our wedding theme a few months ago on my drive, when I moved here from Fresno.
I want to base the wedding on my favorite romantic movie, Brokeback Mountain.
It'll be in a giant tent.
Everyone's wearing jean jacket.
There'll be a lot of loose sheep everywhere.
But no one will be quitting anyone.
And I'm inviting Jake Gyllenhaal.
But if he can't make it, hopefully Maggie Gyllenhaal.
And if she can't make it, then hopefully her husband, Peter Sarsgaard.
And if he can't make it, then Alexander Skarsgard.
- It was a very long drive.
- Well, speaking of celebrations, as you all know, it's your sister Judy's sweet 16 today, and I planned a celebration that's every teenage girl's dream, a full day out on the fishing boat with her brothers and Dad.
No frills, no thrills just hard work and the feeling of a birthday job well done.
Uh, should we at least look into a clown who's afraid of water? That could be fun.
He'd be all nervous.
Where is Judy anyways? She said she wanted to have a luxurious birthday morning - and sleep in till 5:45.
- How decadent.
- [alarm beeping.]
- [gasps.]
Good morning, Judy! You are finally 16 today, you beautiful beast.
I went to sleep a child, and I woke up a sophisticated and artistic woman.
This is the year I trade in my barrettes for berets.
But not literally, because I need to keep my hair off my face.
Ah, good morning, imaginary best friend/inspiration Alanis Morissette.
And good morning to my best friend/inspiration - Judy Tobin.
- Aw.
Really? Or are you just saying that because it's my birthday? - Yes.
Happy birthday! - Oh.
Well, I have a big birthday announcement.
[mimics fanfare.]
- [mimics fanfare.]
- I got the job! Well, Judy, I have one hand in my pocket, and the other one is very proud of you.
You are looking at the newest associ-ette photograph-ette at the Point & Shoot Photo Studio, conveniently located at the most inspiring place in all of Alaska! - The mall.
- The mall.
Oh, the bouquet of perfume samples at La Smell Hut.
The weird empty area between the fountain and the directory.
The cute, slightly older boy who works at Smoothie Boss.
The way his semi-tight pants highlight his, um, downstairs situation.
Yeah, you get it.
You specifically get it.
But, Judy, did you tell your dad yet? No.
You know how he is with change.
I mean, when Mom ran off to Pennsylvania to be with her lover Marcus, my dad told us all that she got eaten by a bear in the Val-U-Buy parking lot.
But she's alive, and we all know that.
And ever since then, he just wants the whole family to be together all the time.
It'll break his heart if I can't be on the boat from 3:00 p.
to 7:00 p.
on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
But [scoffs.]
Judy, get real.
You-you don't want to spend your life catching fish after fish after fish after fish after fish after fish.
- I know, but - After fish.
Oh, sorry.
I thought you were done.
Are you done? Look, there comes a time in every young artistic woman's life when she must put aside her barrettes, - put on her berets - I was just saying that earlier.
- and grab life by the ass.
- Yes.
I just need to take one butt cheek of life in each hand, spread 'em apart, and dive Oh! [screaming.]
Calm down, Judy! Oh, God! I got to calm down! I have to calm down.
For safety.
[announcer voice.]
And now, entering the kitchen, 16-year-old Judy Tobin! [normal voice.]
It's me.
I made 16 pancakes for the birthday girl.
And I made a portrait of the whole family's inner yearnings out of yarn, and it's called Inner Yarnings.
That's going right up on the fridge.
Everybody stuff up with carbs and meats, 'cause it's gonna be a real Nippy Nora for the birthday boat party.
- Just how we Tobins like it.
- That's right, son.
From the day we chew ourselves off our mother's umbilical cord to the day a wild animal eats us, we are fighters, born to wrestle nature itself into submission year after glorious year.
My God, this man can give a toast.
Now let's take a moment of silence for someone who can't celebrate with us today, your dear departed mother Kathleen.
Is that the same fur bikini your dad has in the guest cabin with all the candles around it? [whispers.]
It is.
- [clattering.]
- Hark, some sort of beast has entered our abode.
Line up behind me in order of bravery.
- Moose! - BEEF: Everyone stay back.
Let me try to get him out of here.
Does that moose have "sexin" balloons in his antlers? - Easy.
- Is that a sex moose? That's not what The balloons spelled out "sixteen.
" And they weren't supposed to be on a moose! How did a moose even get in here? Oh, moose can get in anywhere.
Last fall, one got into the school gym during a basketball game.
He made the winning basket and then nearly killed the coach.
Yeah, moose are super dangerous, my love.
But they're so big and cute, like Jason Momoa.
I find him more brutally handsome than cute, but Guys, please! I'm trying to focus.
Dad, hold the moose.
I'll ride it out of here.
Moon, for the hundredth time, you can't ride a moose.
- You can't ride a moose.
- [snorts.]
- [bellowing.]
- You ruined Judy's birthday balloons, - you friggin' jerk! - Wolf, no! Just let him go! Oh, no! The moose got Mom's pageant bikini! - And her gorgeous hair extensions! - JUDY: No! Sexi! Stop! [sighs.]
Those were the last things we had of your mom's.
No, Dad, we still have uh, our memories.
- Like the day she left for Pennsyl - Uh, Pennsyl heaven.
Uh, penc uh, pencil heaven.
To be with the angels.
And the pencils.
Uh, because she was a saint who is definitely dead.
End of discussion.
If only being a saint was enough to stop her from being eaten to death by a bear on her way to buy medicine for the children's hospital.
The children's hospital accepts donated medicine? Well, as much as I'd like to track that moose down for the sport of it, not because I'm obsessed with your mother's things that still smell a little bit like her and that I sometimes like to smell we can't let this ruin Judy's big day.
Let's load up for the boat.
[whistling, crying.]
Psst, everyone, family meeting right now.
Why are we whispering? Because I don't want Dad to hear.
- And it's fun.
- Yes.
Moon gets it.
So, has the meeting started yet, or? No, I think this is just sort of pre-meeting chitchat.
It is.
Good eye.
Meeting starts now.
[normal volume.]
So, uh, Dad seems pretty upset about that moose taking Mom's stuff.
Therefore, Judy, you cannot tell him about your new job today.
I mean, we could be headed for a full-scale Beef-Melt.
What's a Beef-Melt? That sounds delicious.
It's not.
It's when our dad has a freak-out.
He closes himself in his room, he only eats icicles and watches every season of Gilmore Girls on a loop.
Yeah, we avoid Beef-Melts at all costs.
He had his first one when our mom left.
Even though she was a really bad mom, okay? And it was actually better when she left.
She named our dog Grandma so she wouldn't be lying when she said we were with Grandma when people asked.
Remember when Grandma got into the trash and ate all those squeezable yogurt wrappers? She was the best.
So your dad pretends your mom's dead, - and you pretend to believe him? - And we never talk about it, - and we never will.
- Perfect system.
So, should I just never tell Dad about my job? I guess I could say I have diarrhea every Tuesday and Thursday from 3:00 p.
to 7:00 p.
for the rest of my life.
Good plan.
Uh, great plan, 'kay? Okay, let's move out.
Judy, I'm really sorry about your diarrhea.
- I just found out.
- Oh, it's Thank you.
Thanks, Ham.
So, I guess if Judy isn't gonna tell your dad about her mall job yet, you don't want to tell him we want to move into the guesthouse either, huh? This is no time for me to be moving away from my family, Honeybee.
If I moved here all the way from Fresno, you can move into your backyard.
Fair point.
I'll talk to him as soon as he's stable.
- [crying.]
- Never gonna talk to him, are you? [chuckles nervously.]
I totally am.
Uh, uh, well, no.
BEEF: Okay, birthday girl.
Which one of our cassettes do you want, Madonna's Bedtime Stories or songs from the TV show She's the Sheriff? I'll take those sweet sheriff serenades, sir.
Hey, uh, Dad, didn't you just miss the turnoff for the marina? First, we got to make a quick birthday detour to the mall.
- The mall?! - Yep! It's a big birthday surprise! Hey, isn't the mall where Judy got that job we can't let Dad find out about? - Or no? - [whispers.]
Now would be a great time for you to get diarrhea, Judy.
- [whispers.]
For real.
- I'll do what I can.
[grunts, squeaks, exhales.]
Just coming up farts over here.
BEEF: Come on, everyone, keep up.
I want you to see the look on Judy's face when she gets her gift.
Elevator in progress? Well, we're all in progress till we die, elevator.
What would Dad get me at the mall anyway? I mean, the only thing he likes here are those cinnamon buns that he gets at the food court and then he unravels and pretends like it's a little snake.
That's not I don't want that.
Well, he told me how proud he was when Judy caught that giant salmon and that he wanted to commemorate it with a framed photograph from that what is it uh, Point & Shoot, I think? ALL: What? You mean the location of Judy's secret job? Son of a beaver.
I'll slow him down.
And I'll run ahead and I'll try to, uh, go back in time and, uh, kill this mall! Hey, Dad! Did you see this indoor plant?! That is an abomination.
We are gonna get you out of here, buddy.
Whoa, hey, Crispin - Oh.
Hey, Rudy.
- Oh.
It's, uh It's stupid, but it's actually Judy.
Judy is my name.
Anyway, it must be really fun making smoothies.
- It's terrible.
- WOLF: Judy, get your rear in gear! - Trouble's a-near! - Stay smooth! I mean, stay cool.
Sincerely, comma, - Judy.
- All right, my birthday bundle.
Are you ready for your big surprise? [quietly.]
Oh, God.
- Alyson - Ooh, that's right - Yeah.
- Hot dog.
- Hello, Miss Lefebvrere.
- Oh, hello again, Beef.
I hope you don't mind, I took the liberty of throwing in a bow for an extra $3.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- Make that 69.
- [Beef coughs.]
- Did you say "69"? - I clearly said 69.
- Oh, wait, it's 70.
- Good Lord, that's a huge relief.
Oh, wait.
It was 69.
- [groans.]
Damn it.
- Wow, something is not right about the price of that bow.
How much is it? Tell me again.
Was it 68? Or 70? They keep going back between the numbers.
It was 69 on the dot, and you know it.
- God help me.
- Okay, here we go.
This is done.
Just moving our legs towards the exit.
And we're walking.
- Walking.
- Well, great to see you all.
- And Judy? [all gasp.]
- Yeah? - Happy birthday.
- Oh, thanks.
[all exhale.]
- Oh, and Judy? [all gasp.]
- Yeah? - Oh! I forgot what I was gonna say.
- [all exhale.]
Oh, now I remember.
I'll see you back here on Tuesday for your shift from 3:00 p.
to 7:00 p.
- Damn it! - Shift? What's she talking about, Judy? Say she's talking about your shift in perspective and newfound positive outlook on life.
- Say it, Judy.
Say it.
- Dad, it's time for me to grab life's butt cheeks by the hands and and, uh, take kind of a deep dive into, uh What do you mean, Judy? Is this another one of your performance pieces? One of your Improv Everywheres? - I have a job at the mall now, Dad.
- You what? You where? Judy's our newest associ-ette photograph-ette here.
She's got an amazing eye for photos and a head for light cash register work.
Well, congratulations, Judy.
- Kathleen Bikini - JUDY: I have a job at the mall now, Dad.
BEEF: Smoothie.
WOLF: The moose got Mom's pageant bikini! HAM: And her gorgeous hair extensions.
Dad, no! It's still in progress! [elevator bell chimes.]
Uh, Rudy? Your dad's stuck in the elevator.
Well, it's a beautiful day to go out on the boat.
- BEEF: Mm-hmm.
- Man, it doesn't, uh, matter how much water you put that thing in.
- It just floats, right? - Say, if that picture's taking up too much room, we can just throw it into the ocean like we do so many other things - that are valuable to us as a family.
- It's fine.
Oh, hey, did you hear about the new generator model coming out next week? Should be Should generate a lot.
Don't you have thoughts about that, Dad? BEEF: Not this minute, I don't.
Dad's gone mute on generators? - Oh, this is bad.
- I know, let's list crustaceans.
- Honeybee, you go first.
- I don't know.
Crab? Crab dip? Squidward? - Hiya, Beef! - BEEF: Mm-hmm.
- Oh, hiya, Tobins.
- Hello.
- Hi, Londra.
- Nice fish.
No pressure, but you still haven't RSVP'd for my Tupperware party.
If I don't sell enough, - I'll owe thousands to my mentor Sheryl.
- Not now, Londra! HAM: All right, Dad.
Ready to get a handle on these candles? By lighting them? Hmm.
You got this, Dad.
You got this! Should we just do virtual candles? I have an app.
You can get 'em to look like the Minions.
Dad's got it under control.
We're gonna light the candles with a match just like we always do.
- Aren't we, Dad? Aren't we? - [grunts.]
You know, I was counting on these matches to do the one thing they said they were gonna do, and now they're just they're just getting a job at the Point & Shoot! - That's it.
I'm quitting.
- What? I'm quitting the job that I haven't even started yet so that everything can just go back to normal.
- What? - No! - No, Judy.
You can't give up on something so important to you.
Just like moving into Mom's old guest cabin - is important to me and Honeybee.
- What?! Well, you got to know sometime, Dad.
- Also, I am gay.
- Ham, we know.
You've come out to us a bunch of times.
- I have? - Yes! And we love you just the way you are, damn it! Well, thank you for being an ally! Why are we yelling? Because I'm upset about other stuff! Namely that Judy's got another job and Wolf wants to move across town.
- It's the backyard, Dad.
- And all your mom's stuff got stolen by a moose and these matches won't light.
Moon, you got any secrets to share? - Well, I know Mom's not really dea - No? Okay, great.
I need to to use the restroom.
The toilet's still there, right? Or did that change on me, too? Is it a fridge now? - Well, then, I'll poop in the fridge.
- Dad, no.
It'll be so cold.
- No.
Let him.
- Ooh! For 99 cents, we can get little cat candles that say "happy purr-thday.
" That'll cheer your dad up when he gets back.
He's not coming back.
I guess we're orphans now.
Maybe we can stop by the animal shelter on the way home and get a new Grandma.
That was a quick birthday party.
Dad got mad and ran away.
Did you see him? Yeah, I saw him pull up in the rowboat.
He was muttering, but I didn't think much of it.
Everyone around here mutters.
[all muttering.]
All right.
Well, we got to go find him.
By the way, there will be lemon squares - at the Tupperware party.
- Not now, Londra! You got it! Okay, so it looks like Dad went after that moose - that snatched Mom's bikini.
- We've got snow machine tracks, footprints, snowshoe prints, and what looks like waffle maker prints.
Oh, that clever son of a bitch does not want to be found.
All right, let's all split up and look for him.
Here's a flare gun for each of you.
Send one up if you find him.
Okay, Ham's works.
Great test.
Uh, try to save your flares for when you need them, bud.
I'll try, but they're so beautiful.
Good luck out there, dear siblings.
Let's go trap a dad.
Look how she shines.
Headed right for the river.
You may be "sexi," but you're not smart.
- [wind whistling.]
- Kathleen.
Aah! Oh, my God! Broken foot.
That's okay.
I can push through this.
No, that is Alaska broken.
Well, time to sit down and await my death.
Damn it, Kathleen.
I've got to know.
Are you ever coming back to me? Just-just give me a sign.
That was definitely a sign.
But was it a yes or no? Let's do this.
If I should keep hoping you'll come back, then send up another flare.
Uh, I'll-I'll just wait a little bit longer.
There's my dad's signature super long stride, and he was probably following these moose [gasps.]
Oh, my God! Dad! - Judy? - Are you hurt? Yep, I'm hurt, and I'm stuck.
So just get out of here and go and live a full and productive - life without me.
- What? No, Dad.
I'm just going to shoot off this flare to get help.
Then I'm going to go live a full and productive life with you.
Lost focus.
Man, this family is not good at flares.
Just leave me here, Judy.
I have a broken foot and a broken heart, and my one job was to keep my family together, and I couldn't even do it.
I lost your mom, and then I lost her hair extensions and her fur bikini.
So, go and tell everyone I died doing what I loved: - being your dad.
- No, the others will be here any minute.
I'm not leaving you.
Oh, please.
You'll all leave me sooner or later.
- [grunts.]
- Damn it, Judy.
What have I told you about getting into a steeply embanked ice chasm voluntarily? - Not to do it.
- Right.
Dad, we know Mom's not dead.
But you didn't lose her.
She left, and it's not because of something you did or something we did.
She just wanted to leave.
I don't I don't know what you're talking about.
She's in Pennsyl Pennsylvania.
There is no Pencil Heaven.
But if there was, do you think they would be in their little stub version or their full form? - Full form.
No question.
- Dad, listen.
We don't want to run away.
We love being on the boat.
We just love other places, too, and other things, and that's normal.
You don't have to let us go.
- I just have to let you pursue outside interests.
- Grow.
Oh, I-I went for the rhyme there.
- But [chuckles.]
- WOLF: Dad! - Judy! - Dad's foot is broken! - Regular broken or Alaska broken? - Alaska broken.
- We got to boost him up.
- Copy that.
Ham, you stay up here and pull.
Honeybee, you're with me.
You bet I am, babe.
Okay, everybody.
Let's hoist this beefy boy.
- [all grunting.]
- BEEF: Steady.
- [grunts.]
- WOLF: Moose! [all scream.]
My beautiful pants! Okay, don't worry, everybody.
A moose isn't gonna charge into a steeply embanked ice chasm voluntarily.
- Oh, my God! - [bellows.]
Remember your training, Moon.
Oh, I hope I'm not making a huge "moose-stake.
" What is it with this guy? [grunts.]
He's like my-my Moby Dick or Ow! I'm-I'm his Moby Dick? I'm realizing - I never actually read it.
- [shouts.]
- I got Mom's bikini! - [chuckles.]
Moon! You saved us! I told you I could ride a moose.
BEEF: Children, I, uh, I'm sorry I spent so many years pretending your mother was eaten by a bear.
I guess in retrospect, I was going through something.
- It's okay, Dad.
- Hey, it was fun while it lasted.
This was your mom's goodbye letter.
I never read it because I didn't want it to be real, but I'm gonna read it now.
It just says, "Smell you later.
" And there's a drawing of either a middle finger or a penis under it.
- I think it's a hand with penis fingers.
- Hey, you're right.
And, so, we are gathered here today to consecrate this goodbye note and fur bikini.
- And may Kathleen and her lover - Marcus.
I only know his name because they keep a blog.
It's about stores that won't chase you if you shoplift.
It's called Pittsburgh Stealers.
Well, may she and Marcus be happy ish.
I guess.
Or whatever.
- Please come back, Kathy.
- Dad.
- Kidding.
- Were you? No.
But I'll get there.
So, if you're okay with Mom being in Pennsylvania, does that mean you're okay with me and Honeybee moving into the guest cabin? You have my blessing.
I just hope a mysterious ghost doesn't show up and scare you back into the house.
Dad, please don't dress up like a ghost to try to scare us back into the house.
I'll try my best.
Now, should we all go in and finally celebrate our special girl's birthday? - Dad? - Yeah, Jude? Um, what about me and-and the mall? Of course I want you to work at the mall, Judy.
I know you've got your mother's creative side.
She loved Color Me Mine.
She robbed one once.
- Thanks, Dad.
I love you.
- I love you, too, Judy.
Now, let's go eat some cake.
Now, that's what I call diving into life's butthole.
Way up here, you can breathe the air, hup Catch some fish, oh Or gaze at a bear Wow, hup Oh, the Great North Here we live, oh, oh Here we'll stay, oh, whoo From longest night to longest day In the Great North HAM: Ooh, I like the part where we say "Hup.
" The Great North Oh, yeah, hut, whoo Hup, oh Hey, Whoo Oh The Great North.

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