The Great North (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

Avocado Barter Adventure

1 - Look up there - What do you see? Nature and stuff - Like a rock - And a tree Oh, the Great North Way up here, you can breathe the air Catch some fish Or gaze at a bear Wow Oh, the Great North Here we live, oh, oh Here we'll stay, oh, whoo From longest night to longest day In the Great North.
In honor of the six-month anniversary of Wolf and Honeybee's meeting, everyone gets six eggs, six pancakes, six glasses of orange juice, - and six cups of coffee.
- Looks great, Dad.
Very normal.
Since Wolf and Honeybee meeting was a dream come true for them, maybe we should go around the table and all share our dreams.
Well, I'm living my dreams.
My sleep is purely for recuperating.
I had a dream I was Eleanor Roosevelt's personal assistant and I just kept saying, "You go, girl!" I dreamt that I was being chased by a bear.
But then I was the bear, and the bear had to poop, so I did.
And then I woke up and I had.
I dreamt that I was in a giant pool, but instead of water, it was filled with guacamole.
And I was floating on a big chip.
Baby, that's the third guacamole dream this week.
Ooh! This is great stuff.
Recurring guacamole dreams are exactly the kind of human color I need for my Moose Droppings profile.
Whenever a new resident arrives in Lone Moose, I write an article about them for the school newspaper.
Honeybee, should we retire to my office for our interview? We're on record starting now.
But I don't want some puff piece.
I don't want to sue you, but I want to want to sue you.
Oh, no, oh, no, oh no! I really milked the elk on this one, guys.
- What's the problem, son? - I wanted me and Honeybee's six-month anniversary to be extra special.
Tonight, as you know, I've decided on a romantic dinner party where we can celebrate our cool, sexy relationship just me, my fiancée and my entire family.
And the party will be based around the movie Shrek, which we both love and which played a big part in us meeting.
- So what's the problem? - The problem is that the gift I got her is just a ding-dang certificate for a couples massage.
Son, I want to feel upset and anxious for you, but give me something to work with here.
A gift certificate is so obvious.
You guys heard her talking about her guacamole dreams.
She's friggin' obsessed.
Oh, if I could get my hands on some avocados now, that would be a good anniversary present.
Avocados are not gonna be easy to find in Lone Moose at this time of year, or in Lone Moose, period.
We don't have avocados, is my point.
Well, I got to get 'em.
I-I don't want her to break up with me like Lara Silverblatt.
- And everybody else I've ever dated.
- Who is Lara Silverblatt? Wolf's most recent ex-girlfriend.
She used to babysit you.
She was your karate teacher, Sensei Silverblatt.
Not ringing a bell, but I have face blindness, so Moon, we've been over this.
You do not have face blindness.
And even if you did, these are facts about her.
You don't have fact blindness.
Honeybee is the one.
I-I can't lose her.
And that's why everything today has to be perfect.
But I can't track down avocados if I also have to make these goshdang Shrek decorations for the party tonight.
What do you think the Tobin Party Posse is for? Your brother Ham, your sister Judy and I have been known to throw quite a soiree on a moment's notice.
But, Dad, Judy's gonna be interviewing Honeybee all day.
Son, just because your sister has all the ideas, buys all the materials, and then hand-makes each decoration before telling us where to put 'em doesn't mean we can't do this without her.
- Uh - We shall make the Shrok decorations while you try to find avocados.
Thank you, Father.
Did you say Shrok? - I'm coming with you.
- Great! If anybody can track an avocado through the Alaskan wilderness, it's you.
I just hope your face blindness doesn't slow us down.
- Avocados don't have faces.
- Great! Let's guac and roll.
It's not every day I get to interview a sophisticated, big-city woman.
I guess my first question is tell me everything.
Well, Judypie, I'm a Fresno native, as you know, and everything was blazin' in the Big Raisin.
I'd just gotten my business degree from Fresno City College, and Fresno had everything a hungry, young entrepreneur could want valet parking at many of our mid-range restaurants and hotels, multiple loosely-Italian- inspired coffee shops, and a beautiful office supply store.
The only problem was my parents.
- Were they cursed? - What? No.
They're people, not ancient artifacts.
So not cursed.
Hey, Old Jody Jr.
How's it hangin', my main man? I got a few things hanging currently, - so you'll have to be more - specific.
Look, I'm wondering if you can get something for - Yup.
- Y-You didn't even hear what it was.
If it exists, I can get it.
Name something.
- Name something? - Name something that exists, I'll tell you if I can get it.
Uh, the master tapes - from Def Leppard's Pyromania.
- Yup, I can get 'em.
- Might take a few days.
- You could really get the master tapes from Def Leppard's Pyromania in a few days? - Yup.
- Okay.
Well, today I just need - some avocados for someone special.
- Green gold? That's gonna cost you.
Oh, of course.
How much? Uh, now, bear in mind, I don't have any money.
- Uh, got anything to trade? - Got a gift certificate - for a couples massage.
- Meet me back here in an hour.
- Well, that was easy.
- If you say so.
Old Jody Jr.
's always ripping everybody off, because he thinks he's the only game in town, and that's just because he's the only game in town.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Hey, you want to go to Maude's All Day, get an ice cream sundae while we wait? Don't patronize me.
And yes, I do.
Wow, that was a very thorough description of your parents' faces and bodies.
Now, uh, take me to personality town.
What are they like? I mean, amazing, like you, obviously, of course, but what else, what else? - What else can you tell me? - Louis and Ruth Shaw are the Curtain King and Queen of Fresno.
The problem was, they wanted me to sell all that stuff, too, but hawking curtains wasn't my calling.
We got some beautiful denim curtains from the Brian Williams "Off the Record" collection today.
Honeybee, maybe you'd like to handle the launch.
It's good practice for when you take over the store.
I've told you, I don't want to take over the store.
- Can't Jerry do it? - Leave him out of it.
Guys, please don't make me take sides.
Except a side of these delicious mashed potatoes.
Honeybee, you're the oldest.
Besides, Jerrybee doesn't have a business degree.
And he doesn't need one to sell blinds.
So that's all you think your mother and I do, "sell blinds"? Dad, how many times have you told us the story about how you moved to Fresno with $30 in your pocket and a bolt of "uncut velvet drapery"? You followed your dreams.
All I want is to follow mine.
Oh, I wonder who that could be.
Let me guess: It's Calvin Prescott, the Linoleum Prince of Fresno, pretending like he just happened to be in the neighborhood again, isn't it? It's Calvin Prescott! The Linoleum Prince of Fresno.
He just happened to be in the neighborhood.
Hello, Mr.
Hey, Honeybee.
Honeybee, maybe you two should go for a drive so you can get to know each other better.
We've known each other since we were 12! Fine.
Come on, Calvin, let's get this sham setup over with.
This isn't a "sham setup," young lady.
It's a normal, regular, very real setup.
Now, go fall in love with Calvin.
- As promised.
- Uh, uh, wai wait-wait-wait these are frigging pears.
Hot damn! Big Jeff must've ripped me off.
Well, you just can't trust Big Jeff.
But don't you worry, I'm going over there - to give him a what for.
- Good, but at the very least, I'm gonna need that gift certificate back.
Would if I could, but that sucker is long gone.
I-It's been an hour.
You already went and got a couples massage? I traded it for seven cartons of printer toner.
Old Jody Jr.
has still got it.
Well, what am I supposed to do with these stupid pears?! Hey, when life gives you pears, make pear milk! - I - Don't.
- told - Moon.
- you - Stop.
- so.
- Dang it! Welp, great news.
The second round of ice cream sundaes in an hour has given me a pretty good idea.
What if we just make guacamole out of these pears? And then we say, "Yum! This guac is good.
" - Hopefully, she won't notice.
- I think she'll notice.
Yeah, she notices everything.
And that's what I love about her.
Just the other day she noticed I had spaghetti all over my shirt.
I mean, just everywhere.
Dang it! Well, now I don't have avocados or a gift certificate for a couples massage! - I think I can help you.
- Oh, thank you, Moon, but it would be weird, not to mention inappropriate, for you to give me and my fiancée massages.
- No, Wolf, I'm in fifth grade.
- Yeah, that's kind of my point.
Listen: our grade's entire economy is a lawless barter operation.
We need to go see my friend Henry.
If we're making Shrek decorations, the Party Posse's first order of business is to watch some Shrek.
- We can stream it.
- Hmm, good idea.
I'll get my waders.
- Because of the stream.
- Very good one, Dad.
- Uh-oh.
Is the Wi-Fi down? - Ah.
The falcons are using the dish as a nest again.
In 30 days, the circle of life will be complete, - and we'll have the Wi-Fi back.
- Okay.
No big deal.
I saw ten minutes of Shrek at a slumber party eight years ago before I fell asleep, - so I think I got the gist.
- Great.
Where do we begin? So, the first thing you need to know is that Shrek is dark gray and he loves the beach.
Wow! The view of Fresno at night sounds so romantic.
Being there with Calvin was not romantic.
We're more like brother and sister.
A brother and sister whose parents desperately wanted them to marry each other.
Don't get me wrong Calvin was a good guy.
He just wasn't for me.
For example, I love watching movies, and Calvin loves Fresno.
- Isn't it Fres-taking? - Mm.
Uh, sorry I came over tonight pretending to take you out is just easier than telling my parents how we really feel.
Why can't they understand that we want to build our own businesses one day, and travel.
- Nobody puts baby in a corner.
- What? - Dirty Dancing? - Not tonight.
I'm pretty beat.
I mean, Fresno's great the Island Water Park, Little Sweden but what if I want to see big Sweden? What do you want out of life, Calvin? I'll probably just sell linoleum and get old and die and be buried at Fresno Memorial Gardens.
My parents actually picked out a gravesite for me.
It's already paid for, which is really nice.
They bought the headstone, too.
Pretty much all I have left to do is die.
You make it sound great, but I feel the need, - the need for speed! - Okay.
I mean, it's a Prius, but let's see what she can do.
So, that night, like most nights, I cheered myself up by logging on to the Famous Movie Quotes Online Message Board and that's when I met him.
- Who? - Wolf.
Of course! I honestly forgot he was in this story.
Ogres are like onions.
They have layers.
- And this ogre is named Wolf.
- You had me at onions.
And the party's tonight.
So you can see the problem.
I told him you could help.
Avocados are going to be tough to find in Lone Moose at this time of year.
But I can take that box of pears and turn it into, like, 300 baseball cards.
- Does Honeybee like baseball cards? - I don't know, but Now, each pack of baseball cards has a stick of gum in it, so you'd also be giving her a lot of gum.
- That is nice, but - I thought you boys might be hungry for some pizza Lunchables.
- Thank you, Mrs.
- Thank you, Henry's mom.
I put them together myself.
I could not resist.
- Mom! That's half the fun! - Don't I know it! I couldn't help but overhear you talking about avocados.
Have you tried calling your Uncle Mike in Anchorage? He works at the Kleiman's Quality Center up there.
You want me to give him a call? - Would you, Mrs.
T? - I'm on it.
Hi, Mike.
Henry's adult friend needs to get his hands on some avocados.
Yeah, today.
You have any money? Nope.
I think we're looking at a barter here, Mike.
Okay, so he's got a few, and he's willing to trade for a Suzuki motorcycle seat.
- Great.
- He's in.
So, did you get the video I sent of that rat singing the national anthem? Well, then, why didn't you call me back? Ugh, now we have avocados, but we don't have a Suzuki motorcycle seat.
But you've got a box of pears, don't you? - You can do a barter chain.
- Barter chain? See that hilarious lampshade that looks like a hula skirt? I traded my way up to that lampshade starting with a single dead AAA battery.
Oh, oh, yeah, wow.
Now, who do we know that might like pears? Wigs Bait Fish Sign Magazines Chair Defibrillator Seat, high five.
Ooh, I can feel those ocean breezes.
It's like Shrek always says, get my ass to Kokomo.
Bang-up job on that sign, son.
And the way you arranged those chairs? Aloha.
At the risk of sounding incredibly arrogant, I feel like we're doing a decent job.
Oh, super dece.
So, let's talk menu.
From what I recall, Shrek loves two things: savory desserts and tapas.
We did it.
Barter chain.
Who knew? - I knew.
- Thank you, Moon.
All I ask is that next time you listen to me from the beginning.
Well, you're still ten, so we'll take it on a case-by-case basis.
Okay, now we have to get to Anchorage.
If we take the ferry to Chiku, we can hop a bus to Talkeetna, and then we just hitchhike to, like Can we do all that in three hours? According to the website, the next ferry comes at tomorrow morning Crap! Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Maybe someone on that plane has avocados.
Or we could see if they'll take us to Anchorage.
Oh, sure, sure.
But if they happen to have avocados, also good.
Ahoy, captain.
My brother and I need to take - a quick round trip to Anchorage.
- Wolf Tobin?! - Lara Silverblatt.
- Do we know you? Hello, Moon.
Still pretending to have face blindness, I see.
What are you doing here? I-I thought you were in Moose Pass getting your bush pilot's license.
- I was.
- What happened? Oh, wow.
You got it! Congrats.
Well, I know this was awkward for both of us, but, uh, we just wanted to come say congrats.
So, congrats and bye-bye.
We need to get to Anchorage ASAP to trade this Suzuki motorcycle seat for a box of avocados.
Okay, I'll take you, but no backseat flying.
Unless I die mid-flight.
Then you can just reach over me and take the controls.
So your brother and I got serious pretty quickly.
As serious as two people who had only communicated via an online message board dedicated to famous movie quotes can get.
Hey, sorry, I got your message pretty late last night, but I agree, Multiplicity is Michael Keaton's best work.
Those extra Keatons only sweetens.
I got that Swimfan DVD you sent me.
If we press play at the same time, we could watch it together tonight.
See you online at 11:00? Okay, so in this imaginary scenario where we're business partners on Shark Tank, let's pitch our five best business ideas off the top of our heads.
Oh, okay.
Clock Box.
Each month we send you six clocks, you pick your favorite clocks and send the rest back.
Okay, banana-flavored saltines.
- Or Saltnanas.
- I love you.
I mean, I love it.
Dang autocorrect.
A million kiss emojis isn't cool.
You know what's cool? A billion kisses in real life.
Do you ever think about coming to Alaska? Here I am in the snow with Shrek Shrek, Shrek, Shrek, Shrek, Shrek.
Honeybee, get off the phone, we have customers.
I don't see you yelling at Jerry, and he's on his phone.
I'm just pretending to look at my phone because I hate it when you guys all fight with each other, and I don't want to get involved.
Look who stopped by, in a tuxedo.
Oh, my God.
Was he there to - Propose? Yes.
- Dun, dun, dun! What did you say? Calvin, we don't like each other like that.
No, I know.
But I thought, I don't know, I mean, maybe we should just spend the rest of our lives together.
- What's the worst that could happen? - Thank you, Calvin.
You're very welcome.
For what? For making me realize I have to go.
Don't be ridiculous.
This is your family's store.
I-I should go.
I only rented the tux for an hour anyway.
- I mean I'm going to Alaska.
- Alaska? Louis, what is she talking about? She's in love with a guy from there.
- What?! - You pick up on a lot when you're pretending to look at your phone all the time.
Thanks for doing this - on such short notice.
- No problem.
So, did your fiancée ask you to get her avocados? Well, not in so many words.
I mean, not in any words, but, wait-wait-wait, why? Nothing.
I-It's just, remember how you spent my entire birthday in line at Sam Goody waiting to buy us Michael Bublé tickets? Yeah, and goody thing I did.
- He's your favorite singer.
- No.
Seal is my favorite singer.
I put "Haven't Met You Yet" on one workout mix, and all of a sudden you had me drowning in the Bube.
I just think sometimes you like to do these grandiose romantic gestures that are more about you proving something to yourself than what your partner actually wants.
Oh, man, am I messing this up? What if Honeybee keeps dreaming about guacamole because she hates it and I just didn't ask enough follow-up questions? Do you think I'm making a mistake? I don't know.
I'm ten.
Son, that cake looks just like Shrek's best friend Captain Cow, as you've described him to me.
- Thank you, Father.
- And I'm not saying that we don't need your sister in the Party Posse, I'm just saying that the proof is in the pudding: Shrek's favorite, savory Cool Ranch pudding, - which is almost ready.
- Mmm.
It really transports me to Shrek's cabana.
- You guys made it.
- We've got the Suzuki motorcycle seat.
- You got the good stuff? - The avocados? Yeah.
Why are you whispering? It's just a trade, of normal stuff.
We're not it's not a drug deal or something bad.
I'm gonna make my fiancée some sweet, sweet guac with these.
Oh, what the heck? Oh, no, no, no, no, these are all bad.
Oh, well, that's all we had.
If you're upset, we can trade back.
You, uh, you can give her a motorcycle seat.
I'm not giving my fiancée a detached motorcycle seat, Uncle Mike.
She's a friggin' queen, not some frang dang motocross dork.
Okay, suit yourself.
Hey, maybe if you just say, "Yum, this guac is good," she won't notice.
- She'll definitely notice.
- She's gonna notice.
So, I'll just barely make it to my anniversary party in time to disappoint the love of my life.
Hey, when we land, you want to get one more ice cream sundae? - Always cheers me up.
- Thanks, Moon, but I don't think I can have any more dairy.
I kind of had diarrhea at the grocery store.
I wish I had some Bananaltines right now.
- Or some Saltnanas.
- So, just like that, you marched out of the store, got in your car - and drove straight to Alaska to meet Wolf? - Yes.
Well, sort of.
I still had to go home, pack up everything I owned and load it into my car, but then, yeah.
- Jerrybee, what are you doing? - Ma, Honeybee is right.
She needs to follow her own dreams.
Also, nobody needs to take over the store anytime soon.
You guys are in your early 50s and in amazing shape.
Honeybee, of course we don't want to stand in the way of your dreams.
I guess we just always thought your dreams would be here with us.
Please be careful.
Don't worry, Mom.
I'm meeting him halfway at the Coffee Beanery in Vancouver where Terry dies in Final Destination.
And if he's not my Shrek, I'll come home, and I'll sell blackout curtains to Draculas and venetian blinds to nosy neighbors with binoculars - if that's what you want.
- That is what I want.
- Mom.
- Sorry.
Oh, my God.
This is so romantic, I'm going to scream.
- Get ready.
- Wooow! And then what happened? I drove for 17 hours straight, Fresno to Vancouver.
Did I ever tell you about the first time I saw Honeybee? I took the bus down to Vancouver to meet her at the Coffee Beanery where Terry dies in Final Destination.
I pulled up to the Coffee Beanery where Terry dies in Final Destination.
I bought a scone for confidencel and waited.
And then there she was.
Oh, it was like What was it like when you finally saw him? Fireworks.
It was perfect.
I'm crying.
I'm shaking.
This story is alive, and it is alive inside of me right now through journalism.
Ugh! Who is it? We're doing journalism in here.
Can I speak with Honeybee for a moment? In private? Here.
No one will bother us in the panic room.
- This is a panic room? - Yeah, it's a work in progress.
So, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
For what, baby? I wanted to prove to you how much - I love - Hey.
What's up, gang? Just need some Sterno canisters.
Let me get through there.
Thank you.
- You guys going to the party? - Uh, yes, Ham.
We will see you at our anniversary party.
Cool, cool.
Yeah, I think you're gonna lo Uh, okay, yeah.
See you down there.
Uh, we really need to get a lock for the panic room door.
Look, you've been dreaming about guacamole so much, I wanted to make you some.
So I spent all day on this crazy barter chain to Anchorage and back to get you these avocados for our anniversary, and they suck.
And you didn't even ask for them.
My ex-girlfriend Lara Silverblatt was right.
I'm always doing these grand romantic gestures - that no one wants.
- Wolf, babe, you need to chill.
Well, it's very hard to chill in the panic room.
- I-It's right there in the name.
- I love you.
You're not gonna drive me away with a box of mushy avocados.
Things didn't work out with Lara because she wasn't your Fiona.
I am.
Besides, I love grand romantic gestures.
The grander and romantic-er the better.
I can't believe you went to so much trouble for my gift.
Some gift.
All I got you was a box of rotten garbage.
Inside these avocados are avocado pits.
And do you know what happens to avocado pits - when you plant them? - They explode? They grow into avocado trees, which means avocados all the time.
- Mwah.
- You know, Lara didn't even recognize any famous quotes from There Will Be Blood.
"I drink your milkshake.
I drink it up.
" Welcome to Shrek's Miami.
- Good God.
- We decorated it just like Shrek's beachside bungalow.
And I'm Shrek's nemesis, the Babadook.
It's beautiful.
I would like to propose a toast.
Webster's dictionary defines - "wolf" as a carnivorous - You put the lotion in my heart basket.
"That'll do, pig.
That'll do.
" Billy lost his head, Terry got hit by a bus But our final destination turned out to be us I wasn't crushed by landing gear But I'll always crush on you, my dear Dance as we fall through ceilings A flagpole through your heart Those unlucky teens all died, but we will never part Dying in a NASCAR smash would sure be such a bummer But when I'm with you, my dear I know what we did last summer - Wrong movie, babe - Whoops My organs weren't sucked out by a pool But I'll always be your fool 'Cause I am your Terry, and I am your bus And our final destination was us.

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