The Great North (2021) s02e16 Episode Script

As Goldie As It Gets

1 The Great North Here we live, oh, oh Here we'll stay, oh, whoo From longest night to longest day In the Great North.
Children, this can has been in the back of the panic room since before any of you were born.
Nobody knows what's in it.
I have your predictions, and whoever's closest gets all the money in the swear jar.
And that's a ton of money - because we all love to swear.
- Hell yeah, we do! Fudge, yes! I don't like fudge so that's a swear to me.
If a bunch of silly snakes pop out of that mystery can, I'm gonna be pissed.
Well, I guess it depends on how silly they are.
- Come on, baked beans.
- No, it's got to be peaches.
God, I hope it's creamed corn.
Whoop, whoop, show me that soup! Dad, it's time.
Mystery can! Mystery can! Wait! Ham, we need your mystery can guess.
Oh, yeah, I forgot we were doing this.
I've been so busy lately with my volunteer hours at the senior home, I've barely even seen Crispin.
And of course he's also been super busy since he was promoted to assistant boss manager at Smoothie Boss.
The supplemental blender training is really intense.
- Joey Valdez nearly lost a finger.
- That's the job.
I'm sorry, Ham.
Being separated from your first true love can be tough, even if it's just for some supplemental blending.
It's okay, Dad.
We're fine.
And at least I enjoy my work at the retirement home.
They love when I bring them a cake.
Nothing blows an old person's mind like a cake.
I made one for tonight's bingo game that combines two of the seniors' favorite things: gambling and grandchildren, and it's called "A Bingo Caked My Baby.
" Speaking of eating babies.
You know what? I don't need a segue or permission to change the subject.
I'm going to my first pottery class at Kilnin' It! pottery studio tonight.
Ah, a new artistic medium for our budding Brandy Warhol.
- Our Lady-nardo da Vinci.
- Pauletta Picasso.
You know there are women artists, right? Sorry.
We got carried away.
And now, without further ado, the mystery can! - Good God, the smell! - Why, Dad? Why? I'm gonna chop my nose off! The devil is in the can! Okay, great.
I'll just burn the house down, and the smell will be all gone.
Who wants a piece of delicious baby? I'll take some arm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, there, mister.
Why don't you, uh, at least let me hold that flimsy cardboard while you chop up that baby? Thanks.
Goldie, right? Uh-huh.
Got a platter back in my room - if you got a moment.
- Sure.
I've got nothing but time.
We get it, kid you're young.
You don't have to be a B hole about it.
Follow me.
Mounds of terra cotta clay? Adults exploring their artistic side? A grown man in overalls?! - It's exactly what I pictured! - Oh, hey.
You must be Judy.
Go ahead and have a seat at any available wheel, and we'll get started.
My own wheel? Speak to me, mistress.
All right, couple ground rules before we begin.
Remember, the important thing is you have to keep making and making and making.
Second thing is, even though I'm flattered, I'm in a committed relationship with my partners Wintergreen and Mike so I cannot Swayze you.
Okay, but could you sit behind me and sort of put your arms around me while we make a bowl together? Melinda, that's Swayze-ing, and you know it.
- Damn it.
- Now everyone, silence your minds so that you may hear the song of the clay.
Ah, ah, ah-ah.
I'm you, Judy, and you're me, and together, we're beautiful.
I am home.
Wow, Goldie, those dishes are delicious.
Oh, you like my dish collection? A lot of them were from my husband Paul.
He's dead now.
He was a writer.
Wow! What did he write? Poetry? Novels? Oh, the heating instructions for all sorts of food products.
"Let cool before eating.
" That was his idea.
Before that, people were burning their mouths all the time.
I had to sell most of the dishes he bought me when I moved in here and, uh, because I don't throw my freak-outs anymore.
That's what everyone used to call my wild parties.
Oh, you would've loved it, Ham.
I loved to bake, too, and I'd make a bunch of stuff that sounds pretty gross now, but was considered hip at the time.
Weineroni casseroles, bananas hollandaise, my seven-liver dip.
Oh, and Paul and I would always do a special dance.
Wouldn't kick this dish out of bed for serving crackers.
Oh, that was a special platter I got for my sweet Paul's 70th birthday freak-out, but then he died suddenly at 69, which he would have liked because he loved 69 jokes, but he couldn't enjoy it because, again, he was dead.
And all the plans I had for that plate and that party just, pfft, dried up, blew away.
That was almost ten years ago.
His birthday's coming up in a few days.
Oh, I could make a cake for his birthday, - and we could raise a glass to him.
- Or maybe No, no, no, we couldn't.
- We shouldn't! - Shouldn't what? Just, well I don't know.
It's too crazy, but we could we could throw Paul's freak-out, the whole party.
Oh, no, no, no.
You know what? Never mind.
Forget I said it.
Dumb idea! I'm a dumb old lady with a dumb mouth.
What? No! It's not dumb! I've got plenty of free time right now to help you because my boyfriend is busy with blender training.
Okay, Ham, if you insist.
Did you hear that, Paul? We're having your birthday party this weekend.
So tell your boring heaven friends you're busy! Morning, Judy.
What's that you've got there? A handful of toilet paper? It's my very first handmade mug! Go ahead, Father.
- Fill it with coffee! - Okay.
Aah! I see.
All I have to do is put my thumb on the hole like so.
Or drink it from the hole like so.
Oh, what a novel drinking experience, Judy.
It's lots of fun for my mouth.
I know it's not perfect, but Kurt says a flawed mug is just like a flawed person beautiful.
This is a great mug.
I just need to work on myself to be able to use it.
Aw, I feel awful I don't have a mug for each of you, but don't worry.
I'm going back tonight, and I'm gonna birth some new pieces! Oh.
Ah, terrific! Why don't you guys just tell Judy her cup is bad? Oh, we try not to discourage her.
When she was four, I didn't put her drawing of a cat on the fridge, and for a week, she walked around the house in a bathrobe, - sighing and pretending to smoke.
- Well, maybe she'll get better? Either that, or we get better at lying.
I knew training was gonna be tough, but your poor finger.
Oh, it's just to protect it during the day so I can get back to blending tonight.
Yeah, I've got a pretty big night planned, too.
I'm helping my senior friend, Goldie, plan a party.
Oh, that reminds me! We're having a party on Saturday night.
You'll have to come, too.
We'll finally get to hang out again.
Okay, got to motor.
PE's all the way across school, and I need to walk extra careful so my finger doesn't bump into anyone.
- Goodbye, alligator.
- And a good day to you, crocodile.
I knew you guys were watching Stranger Things tonight so I brought a pineapple The Upside Down cake.
Looks delicious.
Wait 'till you see what I have planned for Goldie's big party.
Ow! - Her what? - Goldie! Oh, is it that time already? Ham, you come with me.
We've got to get him to his drug counseling because of how he's addicted to drugs.
He's been smoking Tide bongs with his no-good friends down by the railroad tracks.
Okay, we-we better, uh, uh Yeah, we-we got to go.
- Goldie, what in the world?! - Shut it.
No talking about the party in front of the fuzz.
Okay, so I should have mentioned this earlier, but it's not exactly cool to throw the birthday freak-out - here at the old people's home.
- Why? Well, I might have thrown a little shindig my first week that resulted in some damaged medical equipment.
A couple of people had an IV bag fight.
That's not my fault! So this party is against the rules? At my age, I consider all rules to just be suggestions, and most of them suggestions I do not like.
Well, if we can't do it here, where are we gonna throw it? Oh, I got a venue in mind.
I'll show you tomorrow.
But if you're having second thoughts, you know what? I-I'll just light a candle for Paul here all alone in my room and say his name softly - into the darkness, like this.
- "Paul.
" Uh-uh, Goldie.
Paul may have 69'd his way into heaven, but this weekend, he turns 70.
- So, where's our first stop? - Let's hit the party supply store.
Then we can go see my friend Mark and buy some cocai Crispin, huh? Is that your mister? - You want to write him back? - Yeah, I do, but our dad always says if he ever catches us texting while driving, our next call should be to the news to see if they want to interview the most grounded child alive.
- Smart man.
- I'll just text him back later.
That's what you do in relationships now, huh? You just send each other emojis and pictures of your butts? You ever dance? Yeah, we actually fell in love at a dance.
But we're both just really busy these days.
Wait! Stop! Stop here! Pull over! Goldie! Hey, uh, uh, come back? Oh, man, I'm gonna lose a senior.
Oh, hot dang! The ducks are here.
I've never seen this spot before.
- It's so beautiful.
- Oh, yeah, the pond is only unfrozen a few days a year.
I used to drag Paul away from his desk so we wouldn't miss it.
Too bad your boyfriend's missing it.
Well, he said he's coming to the party this weekend.
But what if you got murdered before then, Ham? - Have you thought about that? - Are you gonna murder me, Goldie? Nah, I don't have the upper body strength.
- Ah, I love it here.
- I can see why.
I'm glad we stopped.
What are you doing, Ham? Don't sit down.
We got to go shopping for the party.
Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Keep up! - So, what does everyone think? - Oh, I love my fork! - It's a candle holder.
- Sure is! I was just gonna make one thing last night, but the studio really inspires me.
That wheel was a-spinning, and Kurt was doing his Norwegian yoik singing.
And the next thing you knew, I'd made enough pottery to fill a barn.
And I love my pink thing.
- Picture frame! - Oh! - Okay.
- Moon? Any thoughts? This was given to me by my sister.
And Dad, do you like yours? Uh, well, it will be very fun to eat food off this plate, Judy.
Look how tiny my hamburger looks in this landscape.
I'm glad you guys love your gifts, cause there's gonna be more, more, more where that came from! Terrific.
Now where did my tater tots go? Oh, they've fallen into the hole in the middle of my plate.
- Okay, where to now? - Ooh, turn off here, Ham! - What's this? -That party venue I told you about.
This is my house.
My actual house, that I own.
I just have to sleep at that old people's storage facility.
Well, it looks like it was gorgeous, but it doesn't seem safe? I just wish I could celebrate here once more before I you know.
Goldie, you're dying? Oh, it's okay, Ham.
I'm not afraid.
- I've had a good life.
- Oh, what the hell.
It can't hurt to throw a little party in there.
- It's just a couple hours.
- That's the spirit.
Now, We just need to figure out how to get 23 old people here from the old people place.
Um, I think Junkyard Kyle has a bunch of old busses.
Great! These seniors will be so excited to take a ride in something other than an ambulance.
Here I am with my old friend She is old but I am not Her bones are old and she is old But her heart is young, so we still hang out.
Ow! My hand! You broke it! Just kidding.
Let's rage! - Oh, no.
I mean, hello! - Hi, guys.
Listen, I just wanted to say, I realize that some of my early attempts at ceramics might have been a little not great.
- What!? No.
- Correct.
And I realized that ceramic dishes just aren't my calling.
And that's why Bump, ba-da-da-da! I am pleased to present to you my new line of ceramic jewelry and clothing! Honeybee! - Oh, wow.
- It's a necklace! Of course it is, girl.
Pure elegance.
And Moon, this is for you.
It's a ceramic jacket, - and you just put it on like so.
- Mm.
Hey, what does that say on the lapel there? Oh, it says "Slammin'!" Isn't that cool? - Oh, God.
Got to sit down.
- Now, where's Ham? I believe he's up in his room, getting ready for an event at the senior home.
Oh, great.
I'm gonna go give him his gift.
It's ceramic shorts that say "Slammin'!" on the pockets.
Can someone help me get my head up? To the rescue, my collapsing Christine! Guys, we got to do something to stop Judy from making this crap.
How about we go down to the pottery studio - and have a little chat with this Kurt? - Dad? Help? Yup, gonna get my reciprocating saw.
We'll cut you out of there in no time.
Hey, Crispin, it's me.
Uh, I got your message.
It's a bummer they added hours to your schedule tonight now that your promotion came through.
I would've liked to see you, but I understand.
Oh, and if you remember, can you look for my lucky pinecone at your house? It looks like a pinecone, but luckier.
Okay, love you.
Bye! You headed out? And wishing you had a pair of ceramic shorts to wear? Well, I Wait.
A tuxedo? Wowee, wow-wow.
I thought you were volunteering tonight.
I'm helping a lady at the senior home throw a party for her dead husband's long-delayed 70th birthday.
- Hey, you should come! - Yes! And idea.
I've got a lot of ceramic dishes and vases I could bring along to spruce up the scene.
Oh, your dishes.
Uh, great! The seniors are used to hardship.
A lot of them were in wars.
Now show me what this baby can do, Ham.
Oh, yeah! Let's freak out! I actually can't see so I have to take these off.
Would you like some of this Jell-O stuff? What an unusual plate.
I made it myself.
My granddaughter Amanda used to send me arts and crafts, but now she's in a cult.
It's going great, my Ham scramble! Oh, the house is giving us a little shake 'cause she's enjoying the party so much.
I knew she had one more in her.
Ham, are you ready for our dance? Wait.
What do you mean, our dance? Our dance! Like me and Paul used to do.
Uh, but we didn't plan anything, Goldie.
We didn't practice.
You don't have to practice a dance.
I've literally never heard of that.
All right, Goldie.
Let's dance.
That's the spirit.
You want a little cocaine? - Goldie! - Kidding! I couldn't get any.
Turns out my guy went back to school.
He's an art historian now.
I am so proud of him.
Okay, so what's the plan? Do we just go in there and start smashing pottery and say "Judy's out!"? Oh! We could do Italian accents - so he thinks we're in the Mafia.
- Great idea, son, but maybe we should just tell him that because I don't have the strength to tell my daughter she's bad at ceramics, he has to do it.
Or wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Moon is really good at throwing his voice.
Maybe he could do it into one of the pots.
And Kurt will be so freaked out, he'll never let her come back.
Judy is evil.
Guys, Judy is spending money here, so we're gonna have to offer this guy cash, or we could offer him a cool experience instead of money, like a massage, or a gnocchi-making class.
An outside-the-box idea we frame him for murder, and his store gets shut down.
Look, this Kurt guy and the power of ceramics are obviously pretty overwhelming, so let's just go in there, throw all this stuff at him, and hope something works.
- Greetings, new friends.
I - It's a-me, Mario.
Uh, my a-sister she's out - of the pottery business.
Uh, capice? - Um Instead of money, we're gonna give you a massage.
- What? - Judy is evil.
Well, I'm not sure what any of that meant, but all are welcome.
Now, may I present to you the magic in your own hearts? Touch this clay.
- Do you feel that? The power? - I do.
- Oh, wow.
- Mm-hmm.
- I am a changed man.
- Let us begin.
Hit it, Grace! Jell-O sets fast, but it won't last forever The cake tastes sweetest when we're together It's the good ol' days and the food is nasty But this is the moment to make it last-y Just like in Footloose starring Kevin Bacon You can't plan out life's dance You just got to start a-shakin' Life is too short and you have to raise a glass Why not get the crew of Apollo 13 tattooed on your ass? Wait.
Do you really have that? What they did was very heroic, Ham.
Tattooing them on my butt was the least I could do.
So twirl me through This raspberry bologna aspic once more Life is too short not to take another spin around the floor It's the good old days and the food is nasty But this is the moment to make it last-y! All right, now, it's time for a toast.
You know, this was the party I was supposed to throw many years ago for my sweetheart, Paul, but then, two days before his birthday, out of nowhere, like a real ding-dong, he kicked the bucket.
And that taught me something.
Never put off for two days the party you can have today.
So I'm glad we got to have this one right here together.
And Paul, if you're out there, well, just give us a sign if you liked your party.
Uh, o-okay, Paul, that's enough sign.
- You can stop now.
- Oh, God! Get out of my way! I have to protect my bowls! My vessels! Aah! Call 911! Everyone please just walk to the nearest exit! - O r, yes, panicking is fine, too.
Whatever works for you.
Well, looks like I could charge you with breaking and entering.
Breaking and entering? But Goldie owns the house.
- Well - Goldie! - I had to sell it after Paul died.
- Goldie.
So, how many years are we staring down, Officer? - I can take it.
- Well, I mean, this is pretty serious.
You're going away for a long, long time.
- What? - No, that's not true.
But saying that aloud has always been a dream of mine.
Listen, Edna, I know we made a mistake, but we only did this because Goldie's dying.
- Well - Goldie! You lied about dying? I mean, we're all dying, Ham, except Benjamin Buttons.
But, no, I'm not dying, like, now.
Goldie, you manipulated me to break the law.
That's terrible! And his name was "Benjamin Button," not "Buttons!" And he did die.
He just aged in reverse and then died as a baby.
Oh, I got to take this.
It's the homeowners.
Don't you dare say anything good until I come back.
- You mad? - Yes, kind of! Goldie, we're in big trouble.
And we could've been crushed by the ceiling.
But we weren't, and we did some living! Well, the people who own the house aren't gonna press charges.
Place is due to be demolished anyway.
- Let's get you back.
- Demolished, huh? - I'm afraid so.
- Okay.
Just give me a moment with the house to say goodbye? Bye, Paul.
This freak is out.
Well, I do not think we got the message through to him about Judy.
But we did all sign up for daily pottery classes.
And the 14-day pottery retreat in Tahoe.
Well, let's just call and cancel.
- First thing in the morning.
- Right, and if we are still interested in ceramics, I could just build a little pottery studio in the backyard.
Or we could just go back to the ceramics place tomorrow? - Yeah, yeah, let's do that.
- Yes.
I miss Kurt.
Do you think we could call him? I bet he's in the phone book.
You know, you didn't have to lie to me.
About the house and, um, about dying.
I'm sorry.
I-I guess I just wanted to make sure I got one more night at my house.
With my memories, with Paul.
I never even got to say goodbye, you know? We were both in great health.
We thought we'd live to be 115, and then poof, he was just gone.
You know, it's funny.
We've been together all week, and I've never even seen this boyfriend of yours.
- Well, he's had work.
- Yeah, Paul used to work a lot, too.
In fact, we were gonna have his freak-out the week before, but he had a big assignment pop up an impossible deadline on instructions for a double-decker waffle maker.
So I rescheduled, and then look what happened.
You know what happened? I'm gonna tell ya.
- He died.
- Yeah, he died.
Yes! You can't wait for the special moments to come to you.
You have to make them, Ham.
If you don't, you could miss them, just like I missed Paul's birthday.
I'm sure he knew you loved him.
Yeah, I showed him in little ways, like buying flowers and installing a mirror on our bedroom ceiling, but boy, what I'd give for one more day.
I know you and Crispin are young, but life goes faster than you think, and the one thing you can't count on is more time.
Sometimes things in life come out of nowhere, and you don't want to have regrets.
Now, what do you think you need to do? - Go to Crispin.
- Yes! - But first, drop Judy at home! - Okay! And then I need to get some gas.
But after that, I'll go to him.
Oh, and also walk me in.
It's a little icy.
I don't want to slip and fall.
I'm still planning to live to be 115.
I know Paul's gonna wait for me.
He's just up there putting a mirror on our ceiling in heaven.
- Hamuel? - Hi.
- You're here.
- So are you.
What a coincidence.
Do you have anywhere you need to go now? - Yeah.
- Oh.
Oh, no, no, no.
I-I mean, wherever you're going.
Okay, cool.
- Thanks for picking me up.
- Thanks for letting me pick you up.
Well, thanks for being thankful to me for picking me up.
- Sorry it took so long.
- You were right on time.
This is gross.
What's in it? Oh, uh, whipped cream, sausages and horseradish.
- Should we throw it away? - Yes, yes.
Absolutely, yes.
Yo, DJ, let's slam it These ceramics clothes are so slammin' I love to wear 'em when I'm swammin' Catchin' salmon or pajammin' Your private parts you'll be fannin' Perfect for travelin' to Japan in In England, I'm minding the gap in I'm makin' peanut butter and jammin' Yo, DJ, keep it slammin' At the beach, when you're tannin' These fly fits are straight slammin' When you're takin' your literature examine Your teacher will start exclammin' Class dismissed forever!
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