The Great North (2021) s02e20 Episode Script

Say It Again, Ham Adventure

1 - Look up there ♪ - What do you see? ♪ Nature and stuff ♪ - Like a rock ♪ - And a tree ♪ Oh, the Great North ♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪ Catch some fish ♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪ Wow ♪ Oh, the Great North ♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪ From longest night to longest day ♪ In the Great North.
♪ Crispin, I have to ask you an important question.
Okay How were my homemade lemon lime bars? Is there enough zest? Oh, God.
Is there too much zest? Crispin, answer me! They're perfectly zested, my Silly Wonka.
Now, shh.
We got to watch the last scene.
It's my favorite.
Last lap, Danny.
Time to win this thing and then kiss some women.
This one's for you, Businessman Greg.
Ladies and gentlemen, I can't keep living a lie.
Businessman Greg isn't just someone I know from business.
He's also my boyfriend.
I'm Danny Vroom, and I am gay in the fast lane.
What? Danny Vroom is gay? The rest of us came out here to play.
Danny Vroom came out here as gay.
It's like they always say: The truth will set you fast.
Danny Vroom, will you be my groom? Of course, Businessman Greg.
A thousand times yes.
Gay in the fast lane ♪ Vroom, Vroom.
♪ So, what did you think? - Oh, um, it was okay.
- Just okay? I guess I just felt like the coming-out part was a bit much.
It's always so dramatic in movies, but it's never like that in real life.
In real life, you just tell your family, and they're like, "That's great.
Love you.
" And then you go back to removing the elderly bear that dropped dead on your property or whatever.
I mean, my coming-out didn't cause a car crash, but my mom and dad did set off a bunch of illegal fireworks in support.
- What's going on? - Our son is gay.
And after a brief time processing our feelings about it, we've chosen to celebrate him with fireworks.
And they burned down our mailbox and we were fined thousands of dollars.
- So, overall, it was pretty wild.
- Wow.
That sounds intense.
Well, coming out is intense.
I'm sure the first time you told your family, it was pretty dramatic, right? I'm not sure I can remember the first time, per se.
Oh, wait.
I know, I said it when we were driving to Mayor Peppers' wig party.
Oh, um, hey, guys.
I'm gay.
We know, son.
And we love you just the way you are.
Or maybe it was when we went to see Judy's improv group.
I would love a suggestion of a common phrase.
I am gay.
All right, I heard, "I am gay.
" Thank you.
We know, bud.
And we love you just the way you are.
Or I guess it could've been on that white-water rafting trip we took.
- Hey.
I am gay.
- We know, Ham.
- And we love you just the way you are! - Whee! Huh, have you ever thought that maybe you keep coming out because you're searching for, like, a big, dramatic reaction that you never got? I didn't want drama.
I guess I just kept coming out because I wanted one single, perfect moment.
When everyone came to a standstill ♪ Even the bird on the windowsill ♪ And gazed at me through tears ♪ Caused by loving emotions but also petty fears ♪ And then I loudly told them that, hey, I am gay ♪ And have been all my years.
♪ - Ham, that's drama.
- Oh, my God.
I guess I have been craving a big reaction.
Well, it's not too late.
All we have to do is find someone who doesn't know yet and then tell them dramatically.
We're gonna get you the over-the-top, lightly upsetting coming-out that you deserve.
I promise.
Crispin, you're the wind beneath my things.
- It's "wings.
" - Yeah, that was one of the things.
The Room Service Reaper was in police custody, but for John Thimbleman, it was too late.
His entrails were strewn all about the hotel room, and his head was in the ice bucket.
That was amazing.
How long have we been sitting out here? Four hours.
I went from having to pee really badly to not having to pee at all.
I guess my body just reabsorbed the pee.
I can't believe A.
Dossier didn't know anything about podcasting and then solved the Room Service Reaper case.
- It's almost like we could do that.
- Great idea, my audio angel.
We already have a video production company.
We'll just add a podcast arm.
How hard can it be to track down an Alaskan serial killer that's eluded the police for decades? Yeah.
And I think the sponsors send you free products.
I'd love to get my hands on a pair of those clogs that are just for jogging Cl'jogs.
Apparently, the sound is deafening.
I can't believe it's already sock-darning season again.
What does everyone else have planned for the weekend? We'll be hard at work adding a podcast arm to our video production company, Pause For Applause.
Oh, I just listened to one about co-parenting adult children with Rhea Perlman and Danny DeVito.
No offense, Judy, but I would rather die - than listen to that.
- He said it.
But, yeah, we're focusing on the true-crime genre.
All that stands between us and a big podcast hit is selecting which of Alaska's horrific unsolved crimes to cover.
It's gonna be dangerous and dangerously profitable.
Crispin and I are gonna be pretty busy as well.
He's gonna help me redo my coming-out.
Did we do something wrong? No.
You guys did everything right.
You didn't make a big deal out of it.
Yeah, you did it too right.
So he's looking for just that little bit of drama that he missed out on.
I get that.
As one of Alaska's preeminent allies, I take extra responsibility.
How can we help? What, specifically, do you want from your ideal redo coming-out? Hmm.
For starters, I guess I'd like a classic, sharp gasp.
Oh, um, I'd also love to encounter someone who simply can't believe it.
Um, a shattered fragile item interests me.
Uh Ooh, and I've never had to immediately respond to an offensive question like, "But who's the woman?" So that could be fun, but I'm flexible.
I mean, no one person could check all those boxes.
Actually, Ham, they just might.
And you may not have to look outside of our family.
You happen to be related to one of the most uptight and judgmental people on Earth: Cousin Danica.
She's uniquely awful.
As a family, we took a trip to the zoo, and she kept whispering "whore" at any animal with kids.
Wow, Ham.
Oh, sounds like she's gonna hate that you're gay.
- Exciting.
- Oh, yes.
She's always hated everything about me.
I mean, sure, marrying your mom wasn't the smartest thing I ever did, but when Danica sent back Moon's baby announcement with "please make it stop" written on the back, I cut off contact for good.
Yet here I am, all these years later, still going.
What do you say we pay her a visit tomorrow? She's all the way down in Orca Bay, so we'll want to leave bright and early.
Oh, Dad, I'd love to, but I kind of got a lot on my plate with this whole re-coming-out thing.
She's the one you're gonna come out to, sweetie.
Oh, yeah.
That makes way more sense.
I was like, "Random.
" All right, every true-crime podcast is only as good as the creep it investigates, so we got to pick the perfect criminal.
How about the Moose Mixologist? This guy used to feed high-proof cocktails to moose, then unleash them on the people of Downtown Fairbanks to trample them.
Wolf, you know stampedes are one of my biggest fears.
How did Jumanji get that PG-13 rating? Thousands of elephants smashing explorers into human jelly with their enormous feet? No, thank you.
I'm sorry to have even mentioned it, my hippo-phobic hottie, and I will also gently offer that you may have misremembered some of Jumanji.
Okay, how about a down-the-middle serial killer? The Orca Bay Slicer.
This killer, most likely a lady, just lived to kill rich guys in their cars.
Oh, wow.
Says here that after she killed them she would chop off their wieners and leave a hot dog in their laps as a calling card.
Okay, girl, I'm listening.
Profilers, quote, "believe that the hot dogs "either represented the men's penises or that the Orca Bay Slicer just simply loved hot dogs.
" A patriarchy-hating hot dog enthusiast? Girl, we could've been best friends, but then you went and did all those murders.
So, instead of eating hot dogs with you and discussing the right way to do a Mystic Pizza musical adaptation, I got to investigate you.
And since she was last active in Orca Bay, we can drive down to Cousin Danica's separately and stop for hot dogs I mean clues along the way.
Okay, we're getting close, so remember: we get in, Ham says he's gay, she judges Ham, then we get out.
We're looking for a gasp, some shocking remarks, and I would really love it if her shoes flew off.
Improbable, maybe, but I would still love it.
It would be wonderful if she jumped through a closed window, leaving her exact silhouette.
She might even rip off her brooch and throw it at you.
Imagine if it lodged in your cheek.
A dream.
I'm glad you guys are excited, but, Ham, if the judgment is too harsh, we can get the hell out of there.
You just say the word.
Okay, but instead of saying the word, can I say a fun phrase like, "Where's my soup?" or "Get these ants off of me!" Okay, update: If Ham says, "Where's my soup?" or "Get these ants off of me," we all head for the door.
Danica, you nincompoop.
I could've sworn I put this away.
So, Beef and family.
Wow, you all look much better in pictures.
Thank you for allowing us to stop by on such short notice.
I told the children they simply must meet my favorite cousin.
Well, the feeling is not mutual, but come on in.
I've placed blankets on the couches you can sit on.
I assume you don't wipe well.
Wow, Danica, your house is very brown.
Yes, brown's my favorite color.
All the other colors are so desperate for attention.
"Ooh, I'm pink.
Look at me.
" Now, I'm cooking a roast, and until it's ready, I thought we might just sit here.
Judy, are those leggings something you must wear for a medical reason, - or are you just a big old floozy? - A floozy? Yes, a loose lady, a good-time gal, a harlot? In short, a total sleazebag? Wow, I've never been so insulted.
- This is kind of fun.
- So, how's school? - Are any of you reading yet? - Nope.
Keep your hands off - my ceramic rabbit collection.
- But there's just one.
There's also just one Lincoln Memorial.
Seems a little different and also not a collection, but okay.
Ham, I simply must ask you, what's with the long hair? Are you gonna sell it to buy drugs? On our way to do real-life field work.
The Orca Bay Slicer is not gonna know what hit her.
We're like Starsky and Hutch.
Or SVU's Mariska Hargitay and the guy with the long neck who helps SVU's Mariska Hargitay.
Christopher Meloni.
God, I admire that gorgeous, crime-fighting giraffe.
Anyway, should we go over what we know so far? Oh, yeah, we should record it, and we can use it on our first episode.
The Orca Bay Slicer was like a lot of serial killers except for one thing: her signature crotch hot dog.
Why are you talking in that weird voice? It's my podcaster voice.
Ooh, I want to try a podcaster voice.
The Orca Bay Slicer is one of Alaska's only female serial killers.
Oh, Australian.
I love it.
You can throw your voice on my barbie anytime.
Wolf, that was a British accent.
Oh, uh, then I meant: You can throw your voice - on my parliament anytime.
- There you go, babe.
I can't tell you how much I enjoy sitting in silence.
- Cousin Danica - Okay, I guess we're talking again.
Go on, son.
There's something I need to tell you, as family.
It's a secret that's been weighing on me ever since I met you an hour ago.
It's just that, Cousin Danica, you should know that I am Danica Tobin, come out with your hands up.
- Oh, no.
- gay.
Well, I guess I ought to tell you all the truth - about who I really am.
- Actually, that's what I was doing.
If you could just wait a second while I tell you who I really am.
That's the reason why we're here.
I am wanted by the police for crimes.
I simply can't believe it.
- I'm shocked.
- Did my shoes pop off? Thank you for sharing your truth with us, Danica.
That was very brave.
So, here's what I think we should do.
I'll open the door to talk to the policewoman, and you guys tell her that you got here last night.
You know, like an alibi.
Oh, and if they ask you why you didn't bring any luggage with you, you'll just say, "Because we're disgusting.
We wear the same underwear all the time, every day.
" Okay? As much as we would love to lie to the authorities on your behalf, I don't think we will.
It's probably time for us to get going.
I hate to do this, Beef, but you're not going anywhere.
Except to the cellar, as my hostages.
At first, I was like, "Her vibe is off," but now I'm like, "Her vibe is way off.
" If we want to solve the Orca Bay Slicer case, we need to think inside the bun, by eating some hot dogs she might have eaten.
Or tossed in her victims' crotches as a calling card.
Oh, yeah.
Our perp definitely spent some time here.
This place is creep city.
I'll grab us a table while you go order us some research hot dogs for research.
As I sat in my booth at The Sausage Lynx, I couldn't help but wonder, did the Orca Bay Slicer sit here? And if so, did she order the Greek Goddess Dog with kalamata olives and feta cheese? Wolf, make sure to get the Greek Goddess Dog.
- I got to know if it's good.
- Ten-four.
Could we please have two Greek Goddess Dogs - and four Hot Dog the Yummy Hunters? - That'll be $28.
So, uh, we're here investigating the Orca Bay Slicer case.
You ever sell a hot dog to a murderer? I don't know.
Was it a woman? And was she clutching a gigantic kitchen knife and saying, "He's gonna get it"? Anything like that? No, but we had someone abuse the mustard station once.
That's why we keep the packets behind the counter now.
Are you, by any chance, the Orca Bay Slicer? - No.
- Worth a shot.
Oh, are you related to Danica Tobin? Now, don't touch anything or move anything around.
You can look at the TV, but don't change the channel.
Or you can look at the adult coloring books, but don't color in them.
Place your phones in this Longaberger basket, and I'll be on my way.
Don't hurt the basket.
Please, Danica, just let us go.
Well, you could've given me an alibi, so this is all your own fault.
And those pillow covers are new.
Do not unzip and pee in them like I'm sure you do at home.
I'm sorry you didn't get to come out to your murderer cousin, Ham.
First, I didn't get to come out, and now we're probably gonna die in this basement.
What else could happen? Ugh.
All of Peaceful Outdoor Bathtubs is already colored in? Well, Sherlock Hold-up-a-minute.
Not only am I related to Danica Tobin but we're going to visit her right after this.
Honeybee, this lady knows Cousin Danica.
What are the chances? Yeah, what are the chances? How do you know her? Is she a hot dog freak? She used to work here, but then she started really annoying the manager, Bradley.
She also used to picket the restaurant during her lunch breaks 'cause she thought the hot dogs looked too much like penises.
Anyway, he fired her, and she did not take it well.
Wolf, are you hearing this? Hot dog related resentment.
A vendetta against men, or at least against Bradley.
Danica just became suspect number one.
Oh, my God, Danica's a wiener-hating murderer, and my whole family's with her right now! This is code red! Sorry, sir.
I need to commandeer these dogs.
There's no time.
- Hey, Elba.
- Hey, Edna.
Thanks for being my backup.
I haven't had to arrest someone since Fred Levy refused to get out of the fountain at the mall.
He was nude, and he brought a beach chair and a battery-powered blender for piña coladas.
- Part of me appreciated his vision.
- I was happy to come.
Fighting crime with my sister is the thrill of a lifetime.
And I promised Mom I'd take a video of you doing police stuff.
All right, here we go.
Danica Tobin, you're under arrest.
Danica speaking.
I have hostages, so, you know, stay back.
I haven't been in a hostage situation since we went to Mitch Jameson's one-man show, A Dash of Mitch.
Ugh, yeah, this sounds better than that.
Great idea to park the car a few blocks away and approach from the rear.
I've seen enough stakeout movies to know you got to size up the situation before you make your move.
Also, we got to finish these hot dogs.
And these french fries we got at the Hamburger Jack's drive-through.
Yeah, I feel a little guilty about stopping again on the way here mm but I'd be no good fighting a serial killer on an empty stomach.
Don't feel guilty, babe.
The Closer was always eating snacks from her drawer as little power-ups throughout the day, and she was the best in the biz.
Oh, yeah, I just love Kyra Sedgwick.
And speaking of snacks, her husband Kevin Bacon is pretty easy on the eyes.
Oh, oh, God, she's got a gun! - Okay, don't panic.
- Tommy salami! Please spare their wieners.
We're coming, guys.
Okay, this is just a closet full of mayonnaise.
- Shouldn't this be refrigerated? - Only if they're open.
Okay, but they all seem to be open.
Oh, here's something.
There's some stairs back here.
Oh, and there's another door.
It's locked.
Well, we could just look at the TiVo again.
She does have something on there called Frankly, Frasier.
Do not put that on.
It's Niles doing freeze-frame commentary over full-length episodes of Frasier.
Welcome to episode 80 of Frankly, Frasier.
Today we'll be taking a critical glance at episode 80 of Frasier, "Our Father Whose Art Ain't Heaven.
" What's wrong, sweetie? - You love Frasier.
- I know.
What's wrong is I brought my whole family here so I could redo my coming-out, 'cause I thought having some big, gasp-filled moment seemed so important to me, but I'm realizing I don't want that.
That was just some weird idea that snuck into my brain basket after years of watching movies like Danny Vroom.
It doesn't have to be dramatic or full of conflict.
It can actually just be full of support.
But it's too late now.
Now we're gonna have to eat mayonnaise in a basement until we get shot! Honeybee, I can hear them down here.
If you can hear me, guys, it's me, Wolf, your brother and son, and in the case of Crispin, closest friend.
We are here to save your penises.
- Wolf! - We hear you, Judy.
Not so fast.
You must be Wolf and Honeybee.
And you must be Danica.
So nice to meet you.
Lay down, on your tummies.
Okay, I do not like a grown woman saying "tummy.
" - It's weird.
- Tummies on the turf! - Ugh.
- Nancy Drew Magoo! Okay, when I say so, I want you both to stand up, - and I'm gonna put you in the basement.
- And slice off our wieners? I don't like that kind of rude language.
- Freeze! Police.
- That was amazing.
Man, I wish Mom could be here.
Is that a Yeah, that's a gun.
- She's got a gun.
- Wait, you guys don't have guns? All right, you two, also down on the ground.
Ah, looks like we got to surrender, sis.
Don't surrender.
You're the police.
Sorry, but we leave our guns in the glovebox, like we're supposed to.
Oh, yeah.
I haven't handled a gun since the gun-training puppet taught me how to take off the safety.
Ya beep, and ya boop, and you're ready to shoot.
But only if it's a life-or-death situation.
I'm not even interested in killing you guys, but you're kind of leaving me no choice here.
What I am interested in is those haircuts.
Did you lose a bet, or are you just very brave? I can't believe I'm saying this, but can you be nice to these police ladies? - You suck.
- Shh! It's too much talking.
Kesha's cursed Kit Kat, I don't want to die young.
What are you what are you doing? Sorry, sorry, I'm not trying to get away.
I just have major pins and needles.
Stop moving in that annoying way and get back down on the ground.
Hmm? - Gotcha.
- Aah! Great job, sis.
A classic tap and turn.
Yeah, I was gonna do "there's something on your shirt," but it just doesn't seem like this lady eats anything with sauce.
Ugh, well, darn it all, you really did get me.
I did not see that coming, and not only because I was sort of looking away because I find your face unpleasant.
You know what else you might find unpleasant? Three years at the Orca Bay Correctional Facility.
Actually, it's very comfortable.
They have a Wetzel's Pretzels in the cafeteria.
So, you guys are positive Cousin Danica isn't the Orca Bay Slicer? Sorry, the Orca Bay Slicer confessed many years ago.
Was kind of a big deal.
And she prefers to be called Nancy McCamden now.
Well, Crap-lombo, looks like we didn't finish reading the Wikipedia page, Honeybee.
We must have gotten a little too excited and forgotten to scroll all the way down.
Don't worry, though.
I'm sure A.
Dossier accidentally investigated a bunch of closed cases at the beginning of his career.
- Onwards! - Wait, so what did Cousin Danica do? - She robbed a bunch of banks.
- But I had a good reason.
Well, as long as you had a good reason.
Well, I did for the first one.
I'd gotten fired by a hot dog restaurant, and my home was about to be foreclosed on.
The second time, it was because I was bored.
And after that, I just, eh, caught the bug.
All right, off I go to jail.
Guys, I'm really sorry about today.
We only ended up here because I thought I wanted a big, dramatic coming-out, and then look at all the real-life drama I accidentally got us into.
Funny, as I was preparing for possible death, I realized something.
I've already had the perfect kind of coming-out.
Many times.
The kind that didn't faze my family.
Not even a little bit.
Ham, I'm sorry that I never made a bigger moment out of what was admittedly a very big moment.
If I ever seemed too casual, it's just because I was afraid of making it seem like a big deal in a negative way.
I can't go back in time, son, but maybe we can make it up to you.
Places, people.
Good evening, esteemed family.
I look forward to socializing with you all, but first Could everyone please come to a standstill? ♪ Even the bird on the windowsill ♪ Because I have something to say ♪ I am gay ♪ Gasp.
Now please burst into tears ♪ Oh, no, I feel faint from this news ♪ My head might drop off ♪ I must hold on to my shoes for I fear they'll pop off ♪ Well, well, well, I simply can't believe it ♪ This information is so shocking ♪ I just can't receive it ♪ So, what kind of gay are you? A bear, a pear, a man in the chair? ♪ An otter, a squatter, a French debonair? ♪ A dancer, a prancer, a Marcia, a Jan? ♪ And which one of you is the man? ♪ That was very offensive, you guys.
Thank you.
I did it, I came out ♪ I said it out loud and I kicked all the shame out ♪ Baby, you were a star.
And sorry, but I just have to say it.
We love you just the way that you are.
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So throw on some Cl'jogs before you hit the town.
The sound, it's deafening when they pound, pound, pound.
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