The Great North (2021) s02e22 Episode Script

Papa Don't Fiend Adventure

1 - Look up there ♪ - What do you see? ♪ Nature and stuff ♪ - Like a rock ♪ - And a tree ♪ Oh, the Great North ♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪ Catch some fish ♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪ Wow ♪ Oh, the Great North ♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪ From longest night to longest day ♪ In the Great North.
♪ Zoya's new dinner items are fun.
"I Gnocchi What You Did Last Summer"? Ooh, and a sequel dish, "I Dill Know What You Did Last Sandwich.
" It seems like she gave up halfway down.
- "Okay Hamburger"? - Sounds delicious.
Nothing is more appetizing than honesty.
Oh, look.
Wolf and Honeybee are here.
I hope they sit with us.
Uh, yeah, Ham.
They're meeting us here.
- Oh, score! - Sorry we're late.
We had car trouble is what I would say if I was lying.
But we're late because we were picking up that big mamma blamma.
- Whoa! - So shiny.
It's like a mini fridge you can live inside.
Oh, no.
Are you moving away for a life on the road? Please come back, son.
Please come home.
Dad, relax.
I know you probably forgot because you're too humble to celebrate yourself, but this Sunday is my favorite holiday.
Father's Day.
And that memory-maker is all ours for a full three days.
- Drumroll, please, Honeybee.
- Drum sounds.
We're all going to Family Land for the Father's Day Festival Weekend.
Oh, no.
I mean, um, um Oh, great.
Let's go.
Is Family Land a land made of families? - Like a graveyard or something? - No, Moon.
Fam Land is an RV park and the site of our most epic Father's Day trip ever, when I was ten and you weren't even born yet.
Sadly, we had to leave early last time because of a dingy-dangy forest fire, but it's time for our glorious return.
I don't know, son.
Maybe we should give it a few more years.
Really make sure that fire is out.
Dad, we know you don't feel like you deserve a flashy Father's Day, but you totally do.
You're rad as hell.
Ham, I was thinking since we both love Matthew McConaughey's RV makeover show Trailure To Launch, we can try our hand at some RV rehab.
It's amazing how a few throw pillows can take a mobile home from trailer to "slightly nicer than a trailer.
" Dad, you okay? Yes.
I am just so excited I feel sick.
Well, let's raise a toast to the granddaddy of all dads: - Dad.
- Yeah! Camping with our dad ♪ We're camping with our dad ♪ We're farting up the RV ♪ We're camping with our dad, hey, dad! ♪ So, what kind of TC you got on that nasty boy? What? You know, TC, aka tow cap aka towing capacity on your nasty boy aka pickup truck? - Oh.
I don't know.
- Oh, totally.
Well, time to sink my slinky stinky.
You know, the hose that goes from the RV toilet into the ground.
Yeah, I Oh, uh Cool, see you around, bud.
Aw, man, everyone here is so nice.
Well, I'm gonna go poke around the woods.
Okay, but be careful, bud.
You got to watch out for those rascals.
There are no skunks in Alaska.
Well, turns out they shot a straight-to-video Noah's Ark movie with Ray Liotta nearby, and a bunch of the skunk doubles got loose and mated like crazy.
You know, like when actors hook up on set.
If you stay in character, it's not considered cheating.
I lost track of what you were talking about, - but I'll be on the lookout.
- Oh, I can feel it.
This RV adventure has "brief yet formative romance" written all over it, so I better bust out my poetry pad and think up some rhymes for the word "heaving.
" Oh, okay, how about, uh, uh, heaving? Wolf, I just said "heaving.
" No bad ideas in a brainstorm, Judy.
Hey, Dad, you want to come out and take a walk around the park? Maybe work on the father and son strut I emailed you about? I think I'll just stay inside here.
I found this receipt in my pocket, and I really need to review it right away.
Hmm, paper towels, $2.
Oh, interesting.
Is it just me, or does it seem like something's up with Dad? Well, the last time we were here, Mom was with us.
- He's probably just adjusting.
- Ah, I bet you're right.
Yeah, just gonna give him a little time while I go check out the lake sitch.
Maybe I'll make some new friends I can do a freestyle summer rap for.
Ooh, I'll come with.
Maybe my reckless fling is over there getting a reckless sunburn.
Okay, okay.
Respectable stream work, plenty of rocks.
This will do.
Uh, sir? I just want you to know there's no reason to spray me because I already respect you.
I mean, when you think about it, there's no reason you and I can't be friends, right? Maybe if I give out the right energy, then you won't spray me.
Okay, you took a little nibble.
That's probably my fault.
I'm assuming I'm delicious.
Then the trailer started shaking, I thought it was a bear, but it was just Dorothy doing her dang Zumba.
Man, Dad should really be out here, spinning yarns and meeting these other rad dads.
Ham and I tried to get him to come, but he said he had to swap the laces on his boots to give them equal wear and tear.
That's weird.
He usually - does his lace rotations in winter.
- Oh.
A boy my age.
He noticed me.
And so it begins.
Oh, he's walking over.
I don't know if he's my type Oh Hello.
I am Abelard.
Hello, accent! I mean, person boy.
And my name is "Joie-Dee.
" Uh, I'm sorry.
It's Judy.
What a lovely name.
Where are you visiting from? Oh.
Just here.
Boring old Alaska.
- Where are you from, Abelard? - East Hawkesbury.
It is a French-speaking town in Ontario, Canada.
Zou bisou bisou.
Tell me, Abelard, what life is like in East Hawkesbury, Ontario.
There must be, uh, I'm guessing, so many petite cafes and, uh like, bicycle baskets? Uh, well, there is a MacDonald, and a Home De-peux, - and a Boston Marche.
- Ooh, la, la.
Hey, Elwin.
How about a scary story? Yeah.
Okay, quiet down, everybody.
If you have little ones, you might want to take them to bed, for I am about to tell you a story that will chill you to the bone marrow! Ooh, a scary tale.
Perhaps we should hold the hands? Yeah, well, my hand's a little sweaty.
But you know what they say: "damp hands, wet heart.
" It was Sunday skit night, and it was the most important skit night of the season: The Father's Day Follies.
After a wonderful evening of light entertainment, the families returned to their trailers, and that's when he struck.
The Fiend of Family Land.
The Fiend dropped a firecracker down a septic tank, and it set off a chain reaction.
First, one septic tank blew.
Boom! And then another.
Boom! And then another.
Boom! And then another! Boom! Luckily, everyone's trailers survived, but the Fiend created a stink so bad Family Land was condemned for the rest of the summer.
My wife Dorothy and I had to spend the rest of the season at Family World.
Yeah, my husband divorced me after the incident.
It was unrelated, but I still associate the memories, and it's traumatic.
The Fiend was a tall, red-bearded man, and we've never seen him since he fled that night, taking his three kids and his beautiful blonde wife with him.
Red beard, three kids, gorgeous blonde wife? It can't be! Oh, hello.
I was just reading my receipt again.
How was the bonfire? Are you asking that as my dad or as as As what, son? The Fiend, Beef? The Fiend of Family Land? Yes, I am.
I am the Fiend.
Papa Do Fiend, and we're in trouble deep.
It's all true.
I exploded the septic tanks.
You see, the last time we came to this park, instead of being in a Father's Day Follies skit with her family, your mother decided to perform in a skit with three handsome men from Montana.
The skit was an alternative version of Annie.
Your mother played Daddy Warbucks, but in a bikini.
Even though I was disappointed, I thought we would celebrate afterwards with some Father's Day cupcakes, but Kathleen said it was customary to go out for drinks with the cast and crew after the show.
Which meant she went to her costars' RV to hang out and drink Zimas.
And on that Father's Day night, I could hear them jesting and laughing.
I swear they were listening to some kind of circus music.
I just wanted to get her out of there and remind her of all the beautiful things we had together, like our kids, and the waffle maker.
I had brought some sparklers along on the trip because Wolf was really into sparkler dancing at the time.
I was pretty good.
Wish I would have stuck with it.
I thought I could do my own sparkler dance outside the Montanan's trailer to get Kathleen's attention.
- Oh, Beef, no.
- Yes.
And by God, I sparkled.
I sparkled to beat the band.
But then, I accidentally flung a sparkler down the Montanans' open septic tank.
It then caused every septic tank in the park to blow up.
Dear God.
And a stink like I have never smelled before or since covered the park like a bedsheet soiled by the devil himself.
It was then that I was spotted by many of the people who still summer here to this day.
There's the culprit.
Fiend! Get him.
So I grabbed Kathleen and we made a run for it.
She found the whole thing so exciting that later that evening we shared and I'm sorry to be so explicit a special moment together.
And exactly nine months later, Moon was born.
- You're welcome.
- I told you kids there was a looming forest fire and we had to go, but there was no forest fire.
Just a log fire.
Logs of human excrement.
- Hmm.
A fire-arrhea.
- Indeed.
Once again, I have to say what no one else is willing to: - Yuck.
- So I've been hiding in here because I'm afraid of what people would say if they saw me.
I'm so sorry, Dad.
I can't believe I made us come back here.
And now that holiest of parent-themed days is ruined.
I guess I'm the real fiend.
The fiend of frigging Father's Day.
No, son.
If you guys are having fun, then that's the best Father's Day gift you could give me.
I'll have a good time in here helping Ham and Honeybee take this trailer from "okay for now" to "hey, it's a wow.
" Then I did a cannonball, and this one kid couldn't believe how much water I splashed.
And I was like, "I can do way more than that.
" And he was like, "No way.
" So then I did a side flop, and I doubled my splash zone.
That's why my side is so red.
Are you sure you don't want to come out - for the Dads Dive Competition? - Oh, no, I'm afraid, for me, it would be a Dads Die competition, because of how I'd be drowned by an angry mob.
Well, look out at the pool in three minutes.
Special Father's Day face flop just for you.
I brought you something from the distributeur automatique.
Is it a necklace? Oh, flaming hot corn bits.
Pepe le Please and thank you.
So, what's the art scene like in Hawkesbury transporting? Uh, well, my uncle paints tractors.
Your uncle paints paintings of tractors? What a humble, gorgeous subject.
Does he show in a gallery? - I had a great time, Abelard.
- I would like to invite you to dinner at my family's mobile home tomorrow.
Will your family mind that I don't speak francais? They will like you very much because I like you very much.
- Mwah.
- Mwah.
- Alors, à plus tard.
- Cinnabon.
Now, I brought a few of our tiny German figurines from home to make the space more personal.
But I'm just bamboozled where to put them.
You guys got any good ideas? What if we put Brunhelga up on the sill and little Pietr hiding in a beer stein near the sink? May I be frank? That's stunning.
Ah, my two youngest have returned.
We can have dinner now.
So, what did you all get up to today? I met a French boy from Canada and I'm having dinner with his family tomorrow before the Father's Day Follies.
I also made a new friend.
William? He's not a grown-up, is he? I'm guessing from his teeth that William is about four.
Now, this is a no-judgment zone, but there is a very terrible BO smell filling this trailer, and it seems to be coming from Dad's general vicinity.
Oh, uh, yes.
I've been cooped up all day, so that indeed is the O of my B.
Once night falls, we'll sneak you out to the shower.
You know what they say, "You're never too old to bathe your Dad.
" Sweetie, no.
Almost done, son.
Just finishing up with the southern cheek area.
Oh, no.
Uh, uh, good evening, there, Mister Kreb.
- What brings you to the showers? - Gonna take a shower.
Very cool, but there's only one, and it appears to be occupied.
- Okay.
I'll stand here and wait.
- Perfect.
Uh, so, whoever is in there should just dry off and then probably use the towel to cover his face as he exits, and allow me to guide you, stranger.
That beard.
That height.
It's the Fiend! He returns! Run, Dad! Run like a fiend! I mean, uh, not a fiend, because he's not the Fiend.
Oh, no, his robe fell off.
Well, now that all the citizens of Family Land got a chance to yell at Dad a lot last night, they can spend today getting to know the real Dad, and the healing can begin.
- I hope you're right, son.
- It's a great time to try, cause there's a ton of Father's Day spirit in the air.
And, to help you out, we're launching a pro-dad guerilla-style marketing campaign in the park.
Like Wendy's Twitter rap battle with Wingstop.
Everybody won.
Hey, did you hear about this supposed Fiend of Family Land? I heard he's actually rad, through and through.
Maybe they should start calling him the Friend of Family Land.
Well, this poster certainly seems worth considering.
I heard that Fiend guy he did a triple flip into the pool.
He did? You know what? I forgive him.
Guys, I don't think anyone is listening to us.
Not one person.
Thanks for introducing me to your friends.
Mike seems cool.
You know, William, I was thinking about us, and getting to know you has made me realize that Friendship really knows no smell ♪ Who knew we could get along so well ♪ You're from a hole yet I'm from a house ♪ But it's obvious there'll be no need for me to douse ♪ Myself in tomato juice which actually doesn't work ♪ People at the campground, they won't be afraid ♪ They'll leave you a buffet of trash and jugs of lemonade ♪ "Skunk" won't be an insult, not a put-down or a slur ♪ It'll just mean a friend who's got black-and-white fur ♪ - Friendship knows no scent ♪ - No, it really doesn't smell ♪ You're not scary, you're a perfect gent ♪ The only thing you spray me with is love ♪ You're as kind as a kitten, as reasonable as a dove ♪ And now that we both understand ♪ You won't have to use ♪ Your not-quite anal glands ♪ Anal glands ♪ Anal glands.
♪ So, we hit a couple snags, one of them being that everyone still hates you.
I'd know if I'd say hate.
- We literally hate you, Fiend.
- Guys, let's just leave.
We can be eating nachos in our own kitchen by bedtime.
I can't leave things like this.
I am a fiend for not making it right all these years.
And even though it makes me very nervous to stand in front of people and talk, I will go right now to sign myself up for the Father's Day Follies and use my time to make a sincere apology.
Aw, we can't let this happen.
Dad is a wack public speaker.
Remember when he tried to make a suggestion at the PTA meeting and all he could make were Frankenstein noises? Oh, yeah, the school nurse had to give him a sedative.
You guys spruced up this RV, and now it's time to spruce up our VD.
I'm talking about our vibrant Dad.
And I'm talking about performing a little folly of our own.
Siblings, let's skit.
Oh, I'm in.
I'll just bring my le date le Abelard after we've had le dinner and, uh bonjour, and voilà, and fini.
Okay, Judy, you are about to enter the world of French sophistication.
What's it gonna be like in there? I agree, Camus is the most important novelist of the 20th century.
- Oui, oui, oui.
- Oui, oui, monsieur.
Ooh, la, la.
Bonj Okay, okay.
Oh Okay.
Judy, this is my Mom, Chardonnay, and my brothers Martin, Hugo, and Doug.
- Hello.
- Allô.
Would you like a glass of spaghetti? - Nipple pinch.
- Ow! Join me on the dinner couch.
- Abelard, qu'est-ce que c'est? - Quoi? Got me.
Now I will fart on your girlfriend.
No, no, no.
Becky, be nice.
There's enough garbage from the compost can for all of you.
I wish the people at the RV park could see you guys like this.
They would love you.
They would absolutely love you.
Aah! I'll see myself le out.
Judy, where are you going? The dinner was going so well.
Was it? I mean, look, Abelard.
I love farts as much as the next guy, but I thought tonight was gonna be more like, you know, a date.
With mimes and wine and cheese and stuff.
So, I'm just gonna head out.
But don't you want to see who wins the fart battle? Oh, Abelard, I know who wins the fart battle.
C'est moi.
Ice, ice, yeah, baby ♪ - Get out of here, Fiend! - Thank you for the fine can.
The Heath Family.
Is everyone enjoying the Family Land Father's Day Follies? Where have you been? It's almost time.
Next up is Oh, dear.
He signed up as Beef Tobin, but we all know him as The Fiend.
His act is called "Apology Speech.
" Well, here it goes.
I threw up five times, so I should be pretty well empty.
Dad, you can sit back down.
Because your kids have this.
- Siblings, it's skit time.
- Oh, thank God.
- People of Family Land.
- You suck, Fiend Family! Great throw, sir.
Loving the boot.
All right, now, if you could all just sit back and relax, we now present our sketch, called "From Fiend to Friend: A Redemption Story.
" That title is presumptuous! "From Fiend to Friend," Act One.
Well, there's just one act.
I now take you back in time.
Bleep bloop blarp.
Time travel noises.
Night had fallen, and I couldn't sleep.
I had recently seen the cinematic masterpiece by M.
Night Shyamalan Signs, and I was convinced the aliens were a-comin'.
Papa, I'm scared.
Wolf, there's nothing to be scared of.
The only place I felt safe was on the water.
Because the aliens in the movie couldn't touch water or they'd die.
Perfect script.
Anyways, when I came home from school the next day, my father had used some spare lumber to transform my bed into a boat.
And, audience, from that day forward I sailed that beautiful sleep ship right off to dreamland every night.
Until I saw Ghost Ship and Dad had to make my boat bed back into a real bed, but you get the idea.
And now we go "bork bop" to five years ago.
- Father, I'm gay.
- Wonderful.
I love you, son.
Dad, that was supposed to be my line.
But it is wonderful.
And I do love you, son.
Thanks, Dad.
Buckle up, time travelers.
Blorp blap.
We're back in our own time, right here at Family Land.
When my dad dropped the ding-dang sparkler down the septic tank, he was stressed, trying to keep our family together.
Now, I know he turned this place into a stink-scape, but he would never intentionally blow up anything.
Except our hearts with love, not feces.
- We love you, Dad.
- We love you, Dad.
Thanks, Beef.
Well, no one has harbored hatred for the Fiend quite like me.
I was mad that he ruined one of my own Father's Days.
But maybe it's time to let be-gones be be-gones.
Fiend, welcome back into the family of Family Land.
Thank you.
Thank you, Family Land.
Okay, everybody.
Uh, appears we have a late entry into the follies tonight.
This next skit is by Moon Tobin, called "An Evening with Moon and Friends.
" Hello, I want to introduce you to some of my friends.
- Oh, and please, remain calm.
- Aah! - Skunks! - No! You misunderstood, I said to remain calm! Get 'em with the light, boys! Skunks hate bright lights.
Aah! Oh, no.
It's happening again.
Being, uh, awful quiet there, Dad.
- You, uh, mad? - Mm.
Sorry if I ruined your already not-so-great Father's Day with my skunk stunt.
Dad, you laughing? You okay there, bud? No, it's just it was very funny when Moon let the skunks loose and everybody ran.
And the toilet holes exploded.
And why are the septic tanks always uncovered at that place anyway? Yeah.
Cover up your stink tanks, Family Land.
It's kind of exciting to be the outlaws for once instead of a bunch of Wholesome Harrys.
We're like the bad boys of the Southwest Alaska RV scene.
No one's hated a family this much since the Klumps.
So, Dad, we didn't ruin your Father's Day? No.
It was a very memorable Father's Day weekend.
And I am a fiend.
A fiend for parenting.
A real P fiend.
Not what that means.
Hell, yeah, Dad.
You're a total P hound.
And that's not what that means.
Oh, my God, what is that smell? I don't know, but completely unrelated, don't open my duffel bag.
And also unrelated, what's a better pet name Skunky Brewster or Spray Romano? Uh-oh, the skunk I don't have just chewed his way - out of the bag.
- Beef, pull over.
- Dad, pull over.
Pullin' over.
Forever, girl.

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