The Great North (2021) s03e09 Episode Script

1
- Look up there ♪
- What do you see? ♪
Nature and stuff ♪
- Like a rock ♪
- And a tree ♪
Oh, the Great North ♪
Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪
Catch some fish ♪
Or gaze at a bear ♪
Wow ♪
Oh, the Great North ♪
Here we live, oh, oh ♪
Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
From longest night
to longest day ♪
In the Great North. ♪
[cheering]
Oh, my God. The vibe in the
cafeteria today is electric.
I can't believe the lower
48 exchange student from our
sister city of Long Grove,
Illinois arrives next week.
Oh, right.
You know, as someone
who until this year
was homeschooled,
I cannot wait
to taste that fresh meat.
Sorry, I know
not to call her fresh meat,
but it's just fun to say.
- Fresh meat.
- And Long Grove is just
an hour outside of Chicago,
so that meat is gonna
be bringing the sophistication
in her meat pockets.
Sorry, I know
I should also not say that.
Remember how last
year's student-slash-meat had
a fake ID and just casually
brought red wine
to the Bon Voyage Bonfire
at the end of the week?
It was so cool and also got
a lot of people suspended.
It's so rad that my family won
the lottery to host.
I know!
Can you imagine rolling
into the Bon Voyage Bonfire with this
incredible, big city
sophisticate on our arms
after spending a week
becoming her closest friends?
I don't want to get
ahead of ourselves,
but it might make us cool forever
and finally get Stacy B.
to leave us alone.
Look at my former best friend
over there
with all her pfft
already popular friends.
I bet she's furious that
the exchange student will
be in our group. She'll have
to stop calling us the
- The Three Muska-weirds!
- [others gasp]
What are you guys even doing?
Probably something super weird.
Eating a bowl of finger nails?
That's what I heard
from when I told everyone that.
Ugh, you know what we're doing.
We're eating lunch,
which isn't weird.
Yeah, everybody does it,
except maybe those who
had, like, a large breakfast.
But most people,
they eat lunch.
- Thanks for the lecture, Dr. Lunch.
- You're welcome.
Uh, no, actually not.
You don't get to give me
another stupid nickname,
and also stop calling us
"The Three Muska-weirds."
I bet you haven't even
read the book
that you're basing that insult on.
What are you talking about,
Judy?
- I based it on a candy bar. Bye
- Ugh, she's so mean.
But pretty soon
there will be four of us,
and she can't call us
The Four Muska-weirds.
She absolutely can call us that.
But overall
things are looking up.
HAM: Did you get "A"
for number four?
Uh, because I'm also
feeling "B" and "C."
- And honestly, "D" has a little
something going for her. - It's "C."
And that's why you have
the highest GPA in our grade
and get to go to Illinois
on the exchange program.
- Are you jazzed?
- Of course.
Who doesn't want to
see Long Grove,
home of the longest grove?
Oop, before I forget.
I wanted to leave you
with something
to remember me by
while I'm gone,
so I found
this handsome little devil
at the garden center,
and I was wondering
if you'd like to cactus-sit him
while I'm gone.
Oh. He is so cute
and sharp.
I named him Robert.
Robert Plant-inson.
You know I am very slightly
afraid of cactuses,
but this one is so small,
and I have always
thought about having kids,
so cactus-sitting sounds
like an easy way to practice,
especially if I have
a baby with thorns one day.
Now, what are we thinking on
this next one? "A," maybe "C"?
- It's "B."
- I knew it!
Thanks again for letting us
sleep over all week, Esther.
Of course, girls,
we've already got
- Kima's cousin here.
- Nasty.
Uh, you mispronounced
"extremely cool."
Uh, you mispronounced
"My name is Dane,
"and my farts smells like
gasoline-soaked Cheetos
"that someone ate and then
threw up
"and then someone
ate that barf
and then farted
again after that."
Kima, stop.
Although, Dane,
- your farts really are a mess.
- Thank you, Uncle Walt.
So, you dweebs are
staying here all week
just to hang out
with someone from
checks notes
Illi-nerd?
[laughs] Why do I hate it
when Stacy makes fun of me,
but I love it
when Dane makes fun of me?
Because I'm like
the guys from Jackass,
- a little wild but a lot lovable.
- Judy, no, Dane's gross.
And he has a tattoo of Garfield
saying "no worries"
- on his calf.
- Roasted.
You know who else is
getting roasted pretty bad?
Only in not such a fun way?
BOTH: Mother Earth.
Dad, we all get it.
You're a climate scientist,
but also you're preaching
to the choir.
We're the ones that
are gonna get broiled alive.
- It's a bummer.
- Oh, sorry.
Is it a bummer that at
this pace, your mother
and the other Alaskan
smoke jumpers up here
are gonna be fighting
wildfires year-round?
Is it a bummer
that whole pods of seals
are dying because the sea ice
off Biorka Island is
thinner than a
- Walt, cool it.
- Fine.
But you know what's cooling
way too fast?
- Oh, my God. - Stop.
- Let us eat, Walt.
So guys, for real,
what do we know
about the Illi-nerd?
Esther! All we know is
that she's probably
very sophisticated and her
shine will get all over us,
and Stacy B. will stop calling
us The Three Musk-a-weirds.
What is Stacy B.'s problem
with you three, anyway?
It's not Stacy B.'s
problem with us three,
it's really just me.
See, all through childhood, me
and Stacy B. were best friends.
We even had
matching BFF toe rings.
But then, as we got older,
things changed,
and it all came to a head
one day at school.
She had already disinvited me
from her birthday party,
which was weird because
it was happening at my house.
But then I made the fatal error
of coming to school
in a very fun airbrushed T-shirt
where the "U" in my name
was replaced by a rainbow.
And out of nowhere, Stacy B.
turned to me and said
Are you wearing a shirt
with your own name on it
where the "U" is replaced
by a rainbow?
[laughter]
AMELIA: Oof. If there's
one thing I've learned
from C.J. on The West Wing,
it's that a well-timed rhetorical
question can cut very deep.
All she did was point out
a fact, but a line was drawn.
Stacy left me behind,
and I never understood it.
And I couldn't even bring myself
to take my BFF toe ring off,
and it really hurts,
because it got very tight.
And also, it hurts emotionally because
she didn't want to be my friend anymore.
- Both things are unpleasant!
- Well, when Chicago Jill gets here,
she's gonna take us
from The Three Muska-weirds
to the four muska-cool-girls
you respect too much to bully.
Just like Dane's calf-Garfield
says: "No worries."
- [grunts]
- Ah. Ah.
GIBBONS:
Attention, let's kick off
this full week of
out-of-town fun
from today Meet-Ya-Monday
to Friday's Bon Voyage Bonfire.
It's my honor to present
Lone Moose's annual
"Lower 48 Exchange Student."
- And now, without further ado
- This is further ado.
What you're doing right now
is textbook further ado.
- Oh, well, ado apologize.
- Mm-mm. Yuck.
Well, I liked it. Anyway,
here's Jill Gerbert-Erble.
Oh, man. Here she comes
in her leather jacket and heels.
Uh Jill? Huh.
She told me she wanted to
make a big entran
- [upbeat music plays]
- Oh, here we go.
[imitates fanfare]
Rub your antennas together
for the Queen Bee!
Thank you, sir, however,
I am not, nor will I ever be,
comfortable sharing the stage.
Please step back. Now, who's
ready to take a Jill Pill?
Side effects include:
diah-respect for bees.
- Oh, no.
- You're probably wondering
what my life is like back home,
on the Gerbert-Erble Family
Bee Farm.
- So let me tell you: amazing.
- Um, what is happening?
The Gerbert-Erble Family
Bee Farm is located 45 minutes
outside of Long Grove,
in an unincorporated hamlet
called Beesville.
My school is in Long Grove,
my online school.
I go twice a year to take exams.
Have you ever
even been to Chicago?
[scoffs] Why?
So I can get trampled to death
by all the improv actors
sprinting to get in line
for deep dish pizzas?
No, thank you.
Of course,
this absolute bizarro is staying
with The Three Muska-weirds.
I bet they're gonna spend
the whole week
holding hands on the toilet.
[laughs] Freaks.
It's like my rainbow T-shirt
came to life
and lives on a bee farm.
So, you guys are staying here
all week just to be with moi?
It's like a little hive
and I'm the queen.
Oh, okay, so,
the bee thing is like
this is, like,
your whole personality?
- Cool.
- Now, Mrs. Esther and Mr. Walter,
where do you keep
your honey carafe?
- Oh, for what?
- [laughs] Okay, Walt.
Like we were gonna have tacos
without honey?
- You big clown.
- What?
Dad, Jill, um,
loves honey and bees,
and actually has
a super interesting life
- back on her family's bee farm, so
- Wait a second. A farm?
Not Chicago? I thought
you were a big-city big shot?
I am something of a big shot.
Not to buzz
my own hind wings,
but I'm, uh, in charge of
a whole section of the apiary.
Ooh. Oh, no. Mrs. Esther,
where is the nearest toilet?
Just down that hallway
on the left.
Please do not wait for me
to eat the tacos.
The TSA seized my water bottle
full of honey,
and, without my daily dose,
oof, my bowels have been
thrown for quite a loop.
Okay, go ahead.
You can say it.
We're The Four Muska-weirds
now. This blows.
Come on, Judy,
she's definitely odd,
but she's only here five days.
And we shouldn't
make her feel weird.
Yeah, maybe we'll turn her cool.
- You guys?
- Dane, I will ground you.
- I'm in college.
- I mean, she certainly
can't get less normal,
so I don't see a downside.
JILL:
False alarm, that was actually
just a very significant
gas event.
The candle you had lit in there
blew right out, ma'am.
[laughs] Now, where are we
on that honey carafe?
All right, Robert. I'm just
gonna get my homework done,
and you do that.
Ouch! Ow!
Okay. Just gonna drape this
over you carefully and Ow!
Okay, now you're
being unreasonable.
That's enough, young man.
All right, while I have dinner,
you sit in your little book jail
and think about
what you've done, Robert.
[snoring]
[gasps]
- Were you watching me sleep?
- [singsongy] Only since dawn.
I sleep bee hours,
11:00 p.m. to 4:00 a.m.
Are you ready for a wacky
Waco weekend girls' trip?
I read that
in my in-flight magazine.
I have no idea what it means,
but I really enjoyed saying it.
Anyway, what do we have
planned for after school?
Anything is fine with me,
such as and for instance,
there is a very exciting
indoor bee farm
in Fairbanks I'd love to see.
It's only a nine-hour drive,
but I get sick if the car goes
over 30 miles an hour,
so it will take us 18.
Or what if instead
we take you to the mall
for new clothes and new hair,
and just, like
- change everything about you.
- Oh.
Judy! [groans] What Judy
is trying to say is, uh,
on Friday,
there's this event at school,
the Bon Voyage Bonfire,
and there's this fun tradition
where you toss things in the
fire you want to let go of,
and maybe you'd like to get
a new outfit for it or something.
Wait, are you offering me
a human teen makeover?
Offering, suggesting,
demanding,
whatever you want to call it.
- We're offering.
- And if you happen to say
turn heads at school,
and people wonder,
"Wait, who is
that exchange student,
and look at her normal
and not weird friends!"
Well, pfft, I don't know,
that would be neat.
Oh, my God! I accept!
It'll "bee" my greatest honor.
- You know, like a bee.
- Yeah. we got it! We get it. We-we got it.
All right, after school,
we'll have
a Lone Moose
Makeover Extravaganza.
You should be your,
you should be yourself ♪
Unless you're acting
like a bee ♪
Then you should definitely be
somebody else ♪
Did you know there's a hairstyle
named after beehives?
- Jill, no.
- Ooh, be yourself ♪
Unless other people
don't like it ♪
Ooh, be yourself. ♪
Okay, two words: the dump.
Yes. [giggles] The dump.
Have I told you
they've reinstated
- their early evening hours?
- Yes, Dad. Many times.
They haven't had evening hours
since I worked there in my 20s.
I did our trash run
a whole two days early.
- Your turn, Ham.
- Oh, uh, sorry, one sec.
I'm texting Crispin.
"How's Robert?"
Who's Robert?
You know I like to meet
all your new friends,
so I can also befriend them.
Oh, crap, I forgot I'm cactus-sitting.
Skip my turn, I'm gonna go
snap a pic for Crispin.
I'm up.
All right, babe.
Movie marriage mind meld,
here we go.
- Okay, you're eating, a-and it's family style.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Family is very important to you.
- Mm-hmm.
In fact,
your car robbing group is
- an awful lot like a family.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Fast and Furious 7!
- Woo-hoo!
Robert?
Robert!
- Dad, did you really go to the dump already?
- Why, yes.
They reinstated
their early evening hours, so
How could you?!
- Hey, bud. Calm down. What's up?
- Oh, I don't know,
my own dad dropped
my boyfriend's cactus
that I promised I'd keep
an eye on at the dump,
and now it's lost forever!
- How could you do this, Father?!
- Ham, don't panic.
The dump's closed
for the next couple of days.
Paulie's taking Wednesday
and Thursday off
to work on his novel:
"Jeremy Can, Garbage Detective."
But we can go on Friday
and ask to have our trash back.
And in the meantime,
maybe send Crispin an emoji.
I think teens love those.
Ooh, try shrimp or the eggplant.
No, Dad, the eggplant is
Actually, you know what,
I will send him that one.
Hello, everyone.
Read us and weep.
It's us, The Oresome Foursome.
That's like "awesome"
but better, and it rhymes, so
It does rhyme, but I don't like it.
Hello, Quay,
a cool boy in our grade.
Oh, hey, Judy. Kima.
Amelia. Bee girl.
Uh, okay, take another look.
Not a bee girl.
She's just a regular,
human girl
who is friends with us.
Oh, hi, Stacy.
- I didn't even see you there.
- Oh, hey, Judy.
Hey, Jill.
You look nice.
Yeah, that's right, she does.
You might even say she looks,
uh, Muska-fierce.
- Mm-mm. No. Don't say that.
- Uh, excuse us! Excuse us!
[laughs] Lower 48 cool girl
and her besties coming through.
- Choo choo.
- Or her best bees.
Jill, no. No, no.
And to think, I knew them
when they were weird.
You should be your,
you should be yourself
Unless you're acting
like a bee ♪
Then you should definitely be
somebody else. ♪
See you later, Jude,
and all Jude's dudes.
I cannot believe
the week we're having.
Stacy B. hasn't called me
a muska-weird even once
since Jill's makeover,
and our lunch table is
absolutely popping off.
Do you guys think
we should sell tickets?
To sit with us? No,
you're right, not yet, not yet.
Can you even imagine rolling
into The Bon Voyage Bonfire
- tonight with this momentum?
- I'm gonna go see about getting
more honey packets
from the lunch lady.
Buzz right back.
Hey, Jill, big news,
you're sitting with us today.
Okay, but I won't share
my honey packets.
- No, no, no, no, no, no!
- Did Stacy B. really just steal
- Jill away to sit with her?
- Well, Jill does love bees,
so this works on a lot of levels.
No, no. She can't have Jill,
too. I can fix this.
- I have to.
- Let it go, Jude.
- Judy!
- Oh, no.
[clears throat]
Hello, it's me, Judy Tobin.
- Jill's friend.
- Jill's friend?
[chuckles] Anyway, I just wanted to
address the elephant in the room.
Yes, the rumors are true.
Jill just sat down with Stacy B.
I can't believe this is happening
during my birthday month.
- What a gift.
- But Jill is still our friend.
She's not leaving us
for Stacy B. or whatever.
She will be back
with us very soon,
and a thank you,
and, um, and drive safe.
- And, uh, come on back, Jill.
- [scoffs] Let's get out of here, Jill.
I have a piece of toast
in my locker
that looks exactly
like Shawn Mendes.
- It's gonna blow your mind.
- Okay. Well, she's just gonna go,
and then we'll go, and then
we'll all see her later.
[laughs nervously]
- Well, that was probably fine, right?
- Judy, no.
It wasn't fine.
It was embarrassing and bad.
- Yeah, seriously, Judy, let it go.
- I'm sorry, but no!
The days of Stacy B. treating
me like garbage have to be over.
I know where she hangs out
after school.
Let's just please go there
later and get Jill back
in time for
the Bon Voyage Bonfire.
- We're finally getting cool. Please?
- Geez, Judy, fine.
Okay, I'll go physically,
but mentally I'm gonna be
at my favorite place: the bulk
bins in the grocery store,
sticking my hands in the malt
balls because it feels great.
Hello, Paulie,
how are you today?
In the middle of
a particularly riveting episode
of Pretty Little Liars,
that's how I am.
- Now, can I help you with something?
- I hope so.
I accidentally
threw away a cactus, and
- [gasps] I can't believe it.
- Yeah, it's stressful.
One of the Pretty Little Liars
just dropped a huge truth bomb.
Don't see that every day.
Now, what's going on?
Paulie, we just need to get back
some of the trash I dropped off,
- to retrieve something important.
- A.D.A.F., bud.
- Oh, man. Oh, man.
- Hmm. We're not beaten yet.
I happen to know a secret way in.
Let's get that cac back.
You know, bees actually have
big hearts, emotionally,
but tiny hearts, physically,
which often explode
during times of stress.
Ugh! Like, take a Xanax
and get in the hot tub, bees.
Uh, if you ever put a bee
in a hot tub, miss lady,
I'll rip your wings off
and feed you your own stinger.
Ugh! Stacy B.'s just doing
this to get back at me!
She doesn't even like bees!
It makes me sick.
You know what
makes me sick, Judy?
The thought of missing Kima's
mom's tater tot casserole.
So, what exactly is the plan here?
- Well, I'm gonna go out there and tell Jill
- STACY B.: Oh, my God.
Is that The Three Muska-weirds?
Did you follow us here?
That is beyond.
Actually, uh, no,
we didn't follow you here.
We came here independently
to check on
the wind, and
it sure is blowing, so okay.
Anyway, while we're here,
Jill, you should know
that Stacy is only hanging out
with you to get back at me.
She's trying to make sure
I go back
to being a loser
who gets called names
- and doesn't have friends, so
- Wait, "doesn't have friends"?
Yeah, I thought we were
humiliating ourselves on this
freezing cold dock so our friend
could prove some dumb point.
- I guess not.
- Wait, no. Come on.
- That's not fair.
- Save it, Judy.
We're supposed to be
three queens,
but you just treated us
like worker drones.
Ugh, I can't believe
I accidentally
learned this much about bees!
Let's go, Kima.
Uh, there would never be
three queen bees, Amelia!
The hatched queen would kill
the other two
by stinging them.
[burps] Ooh.
This hot chocolate makes me burp.
Aha! Bingo.
I cut this slit in December
1999, after I lost my keys
at a particularly wild
Dump-2-K party.
Crushed a lot of
computers that night.
And a lot of Zimas.
[chuckles] We felt so free.
Kind of cool to be
at the dump at night, huh?
I wish I had fewer cockroaches
in my pant legs,
- but overall, not bad.
- Put her in park, son.
This is where they dump
the newest trash.
Dad, look,
that's got to be our stuff!
Yup, glad I bought those
hot pink trash bags on sale.
I was a little afraid
they would make our garbage
look too flirty
but sure paying off.
Robert? Dad, I found Robert!
- Oh, no, he's
- PAULIE: Hey, stop right there!
I'm putting you in dump jail!
Ham, run.
Dump jail is awful.
I got an update
on the salmon count,
- if anybody is interested.
- No, Walt. - No, Dad.
[clears throat]
Don't mind me, um, uh,
just gonna grab my stuff
for the bonfire and go.
- Yeah, good, go.
- Okay, I know a fight when I see one.
What's going on here?
And where's bee girl?
[crying] We did have a fight,
and we lost the bee girl!
Uh-oh,
should I call Chief Edna?
We didn't literally lose her.
We lost her to Stacy B.
And then I lost
two other friends,
because I, Judy Tobin,
am just in general terrible
at friends! [crying]
Uh, sorry you suck
at being a teen girl
and everything,
but shotgun on those tots.
- [sobbing]
- What in the hell is going on?
What's going on is
that Judy is so obsessed
with proving some dumb point
to Stacy B.
That she basically forgot we existed
and said she had "no friends."
I did not!
I mean, I did, but
Judy, these two girls would do
anything for you
and to take them for granted
like that,
well, you're being a real douche.
- Thank you.
- Not so fast. You two?
- Also being douches.
- Yeah, Kima, stop being a douche.
- Dane, go to your room.
- Are you kidding me? I'm 19.
- Room.
- [scoffs] Fine.
As I was saying, Judy here
is going through some biz,
and when your friends go through
biz, you don't ice them out like this.
Understood?
When you have a husband
who pretty much
only likes to talk about
- how the world's about to end
- It is.
you realize one thing:
life is short,
and you got to hang on
to your real friends.
What matters is something
you girls already have,
- and it's right here in front of you.
- I'm sorry.
- Me, too.
- Me three. I just don't understand, Judy.
We usually don't care
about being popular or cool,
but suddenly
it's all you can talk about.
Ugh! Stacy B. brings that
out in me!
She's my Achilles' heel.
Or maybe my Achilles' toe,
because that's
where that stupid
BFF toe ring still is.
Judy, Stacy B.
Is a nonsense person.
Let her have her popularity.
For someone like her,
high school is their time.
After high school, you know
what's waiting for her?
Nothing. She's peaked.
It's all downhill after that.
You know who else
it's all downhill for?
- Mother Earth.
- Absolutely not, Walter.
- Understood.
- Now eat up.
And if you go to that party
later, please make sure
the bee girl's all right. I saw
her try to sting the neighbor.
She chased him
for a good five minutes.
She shouldn't be unsupervised.
[giggles] That's gonna make
dropping off our trash
a little awkward
but sure was worth it.
- Ham? Everything okay, son?
- No, I killed Crispin's cactus.
Oh, no, son, are you worried
that Crispin will be mad at you?
I mean, yeah, he might be
a little for a minute,
but our relationship is super strong.
I'll say I'm sorry, and he'll be okay.
So then,
what are you worried about?
I'm worried about this guy, Dad.
Me, your son, Ham.
I know I'm only 16,
and it's a little weird,
but I think about wanting kids
someday,
as, like,
a life goal, but
but remember
when I won that goldfish
at the fish toss
and forgot to feed it?
- You were eight.
- Uh-huh.
How that time I watched Moon,
and he ate, like, a whole pie.
He's an unstoppable
dessert hole,
- consuming all that surrounds him.
- Yeah, but
those things, and now this.
If I'm not responsible enough
to keep a cactus alive,
there's no way I should have
an actual human baby.
Oh, Ham,
just because you killed a cactus
doesn't mean you won't be
a good dad someday.
Look at me. I used to lose
my keys and use cable cutters
to break into my own job.
But then, eventually I grew up.
And then one day, I was ready
to take care of you kids.
I mean, I wasn't, but I had to.
And then I was.
That'll happen to you, too, Ham.
- Just give it time.
- Thanks, Dad. I love you.
I guess I ought to text Crispin.
"Hi, Crispin.
"I'm sorry to tell you
that Robert went
to the big desert in the sky."
Cactus emoji, ghost emoji,
shrug emoji, heart emoji.
And an eggplant.
You know, just to keep it fun.
Send.
See you in hell,
Roger the Friendly Starfish.
Bon voyage, birth certificate.
This will definitely
stir things up at home.
- Whose son even am I?
- Is that?
My best friends forever toe ring
from Stacy B.?
You bet it is.
It took a lot of baby oil,
but I wrestled it off
in Kima's bathroom after dinner.
- Bon voyage, Stacy B.
- Yeah, bon voyage, dumb-ass.
- Bon voyage, Stacy's phone.
- What the? What?
You said you were getting
too many texts.
- I was helping you.
- [screams]
All right, let's be good
friends and go save Jill.
They don't want us
to be together ♪
They say we don't work,
like wet weather and leather ♪
But when I stick my hands in ♪
I feel a joy that's all mine ♪
The soothing movin' rhythm
of malt balls ♪
Makes me freeze in time ♪
It may be unsanitary ♪
And it may
technically be a crime ♪
Oh, a dip
in the mothball bin ♪
Sounds absolutely divine ♪
A perfect match
like Alice Toklas ♪
And her sweetie pie
Gertrude Stein ♪
I feel like I've died
and gone to heaven ♪
'Cause, baby, my hands are
in the bulk bin. ♪