The Guest Book (2017) s01e04 Episode Script
Story Four
1 Bruh, "The Guest Book" is on again tonight.
It's pretty much a new episode each week with brand-new characters.
But there are a few things you should know first.
So there's this stripper at a bikini bar who secretly records guys in the VIP room.
And then she and her stepson sell the guys the tape.
Oh, and the old dude who gives out the keys - to people who rent the cabins? - [Croaks.]
He went to the bikini bar and got a lap dance.
And now, I think that chick's gonna blackmail him.
I don't know.
Seems like a lot to keep track of.
But I just caught you up in 15 seconds.
Yeah, but you talk real fast.
Maybe if I had, like, images to look at? Wherever we go That's fine by me We'll settle our bones Eventually Yeah, I need a break, I need a minute Just give me one day Let's get, get, get away Glenda: Lady, where are you?! Her name is Christy.
Christy? [Creaks.]
Can we play another board game? Sure, after we find Daddy's friend.
Christy: I'm gonna start writing in this guest book because I have to do something to occupy my brain so I don't go completely insane.
[Sniffs.]
My name is Christy, and I'm currently hiding under your stairs.
It was my new boyfriend's idea to come stay in your cabin for a few days - so I could get to know his daughter.
- [Engine starts.]
Daddy, tell me a story! Maybe Christy would want to tell you a story.
Tell her a story.
She loves stories.
- I wanna hear a story about a snail.
- I don't think I know any - stories about a snail.
- I usually just make something up.
Of course.
She's 7.
Got it.
Um, one day, there was a snail named Snailey Snail Snail.
[Chuckles.]
And boy, was he chubby.
Chubby.
So, what do you do for a living? I'm in charge of the rental office for the vacation cabins at the top of the mountain.
- Cool! - Yeah.
You wanna see me act like a kitty cat? Sure.
[Meowing.]
I've been recording this dude for an hour, but I don't know how you're gonna blackmail him.
All he does is chat.
He didn't even touch himself when he went to pee.
He's a sitter.
Well, we still have the tape of he and I in the VIP room.
And he's not gonna have to pay us.
Other people are.
Check it out.
I've listed five houses up on the mountain for people to rent.
When the people call, we'll get the keys from the old dude, - and we'll collect the cash.
- How'd you get on the World Wide Web? Got the password from the dishwasher next door for 5 bucks and a French handshake.
[Retching.]
Stop doing that stupid cat shit! And then the snail stopped in the parking lot.
This isn't a story.
You're just looking out the window and talking about what you see.
It did seem to cover a lot of ground for a snail.
I'm sorry.
I suck at this.
Don't worry.
You'll get better.
- Hi.
- [Door closes.]
I'm here to pick up the keys to Froggy Cottage.
It's not that I don't like children.
It's just my lifestyle hasn't given me a lot of opportunities to be around them.
[Sniffs.]
I started doing porn shortly after I realized my degree in communications was a big joke my college played on me.
If you don't mind, could you try not to finish on my face? It goes where it goes.
Christy, don't smile with your mouth.
Smile with your pelvic floor.
In the beginning, it was great.
The money was good, and the drugs were super fun.
But eventually, thanks to the stupid Internet, the money started to dry up.
And the drugs became less fun and more of just a way to get through the day.
[Sniffs.]
You ready, sweetheart? If you finish on my face, I swear to Christ I will tie your dick into a poodle.
I'm just the A.
D.
Your co-stars are over there.
[Bell rings.]
And then it happened In the blink of an eye, every porn ingenue's nightmare.
[Gasps, voice breaking.]
I had become a MILF! I thought by the time this happened, I'd be retired.
I'd be a real MILF with kids and a HILF.
I was sure my chance to have a normal life had passed me by.
Man: All tuckered out from too much baking? - What? - You forgot to take off your apron.
I love to bake, too.
When I was married, my wife used to make fun of me for it.
That and about a million other things, including my crooked teeth.
[Laughs goofily.]
And my goofy laugh.
I like your laugh.
- Thanks! - Listen, you mind if I sit down? It's super crowded in here.
I promise I won't bother you.
Oh, no.
Go ahead, please.
I bet you were making cupcakes.
Um, yeah.
Cupcakes.
How'd you guess? Your apron has frosting all over it.
Oh.
Our accidental coffee date led to dinner, and the next thing I knew, I was dating a unbelievably sweet and caring guy.
For the first time in my life, I was in a normal relationship.
And if I wanted this to work, he needed to think I was a normal girl.
I stopped doing porn, and I got a job at a pet store.
I quit doing drugs, I dressed more conservatively, and I even gained 4 pounds.
I was playing the role of the perfect woman, but this weekend was gonna be harder with his kid in the mix.
So to settle my nerves, I brought a little something from my old life.
Just a little pinch now and then to take the edge off.
Brownies! [Knocking on window.]
Dad, she has brownies! Can I have some brownies? I don't see why not.
I bet your new buddy Christy would love to share one of her brownies with you.
It's kinda close to dinner, don't you think? It's fine.
She loves brownies more than she loves stories about snails.
[Muffled.]
I'm sorry.
I don't like to share.
Glenda: Should we look outside? Maybe, but I thought it was implied that we hide in the house.
[Door closes.]
Okay.
Where were we? Oh, yeah.
We had just arrived at your cabin shortly after I had eaten two weeks' worth of pot brownies.
This place is nice! Check it out, Glenda.
They have board games.
"High School Hijinks.
" This looks fun.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
A normal person would just force themselves to throw up the brownies, and this nightmare would be over.
Well, a normal person didn't spend eight months deep-throating a wiffle-ball bat at porn camp so she could desensitize her gag reflex.
[Sighs.]
The talent that used to get my name above the title has become a handicap that may cost me the first good relationship - I've ever been in.
- Paul: Christy, hurry up! We're gonna play a game! About 20 minutes later, I think I was starting to feel the effects of the brownies because that damn spinner on the board game seemed to spin forever.
Christy? Christy? [Voice echoing.]
Christy? Christy? Christy? Christy? Christy? Christy? Christy? Sorry.
Oh, you already spun.
Oh.
Um, anybody else hot in here? - No, not really.
- Mnh-mnh.
You need to pick an elective on your next turn.
Think about what you're good at.
All the guys that you've bumped Must be great at pornography.
- What did she say? - She said all you need is an iPhone to be great at photography.
Mm-hmm.
[Frogs croaking.]
How 'bout we take a break? You guys look like you could use some fresh air.
- [Laughs.]
- [Giggles.]
- Hey! - Oh, hi! - Hi.
- Is this okay? She saw the swing, and there was no talking her out of it.
No.
It's no problem.
I put it up for my son.
He only comes to visit me every other weekend.
- Single dad.
- [Camera shutter clicks.]
I'm in the same boat.
I thought I was already as high as I could get, but then the second brownie must have kicked in 'cause I was starting to feel it in my body just as much as my head.
I was getting super thirsty, and I felt like I was burning up.
And then I lost my shirt.
Anyway, I'm hoping my wife and I can get back together.
I was thinking of inviting her to stay next time my son comes to visit, but I'm I'm scared to ask her 'cause every time we talk, we get into a fight.
How would you handle it if if you wanted to get back together with your wife? It's hard for me to imagine 'cause Glenda's mother and I aren't married anymore 'cause Glenda's mother died in a fire.
[Ropes creaking.]
[Camera shutter clicks.]
[Breathing heavily.]
Come on, Christy.
Get it together.
Now you're paranoid and seeing things.
[Blows air.]
Why are your boobies out? - I can't find my shirt.
- [Chuckles.]
It's behind your head, silly.
- Let's play the game some more! - Sounds good to me.
Christy? Um Why don't we play hide-and-go-seek instead? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven I knew hide-and-go-seek would give me time to be alone.
If we could play for the rest of the night, I wouldn't have to have a conversation longer than a minute until I could sleep this off.
And the better hiding place I found, the longer I could be alone.
[Door creaks.]
Glenda: I found you! All right, now let's find Christy.
Hmm! I'd come out, but the last of the brownies are kicking in, and I can't risk Paul finding out.
Some people might think Paul is boring, but boring is just another word for Boring, which might rhyme with snoring, but rhymes aren't the way to Okay, I think I fell asleep.
I just re-read the last sentence that I wrote, and I have no idea where I was going with that other than that I'm super in love with Paul.
Hopefully, I wasn't asleep for that long.
[Knock on door.]
Thanks so much for coming.
She's been missing for three hours.
- I didn't know what else to do.
- Don't worry, sir.
We'll find her.
I think I should go out there.
This has gotten out of hand, and maybe I'm not as high as I think I am.
Mouse: You're still way too high.
[Squeaking.]
Never mind.
Mouse says I'm still way too high.
[Continues squeaking.]
I'll ask around and see if anybody's seen her.
If my daughter wasn't sleeping, I'd come with you.
I hate sitting here doing nothing.
- I feel like I'm trapped.
- Well, if you'd like to join me, I can have an officer sit here in case your daughter wakes up.
Great! I'll see if I can find a picture.
Gosh, I don't know.
I mean, if you and your wife fight every time you talk, maybe you should ask her in a text.
Emojis are a great softener.
That's not a bad idea.
I just feel like if she came with my son for the weekend and we spent some quality time together as a family, she might be more open to working on it.
And you're sure you wanna get back together with her? Lot of single ladies up here who would love to - Oh.
- Actually, it's not a lot.
There are three of us.
We're in a book club Mostly romance novels.
We usually have a lot of wine, and there's a lot of crying.
Carol makes monkey bread.
I, uh, found her driver's license in her purse.
But I think she might be 4 pounds heavier than it says.
Have you seen her? Oh.
She does look familiar.
- Is she an actress? - No.
At least not that I know of.
[Sighs.]
Ah.
I've definitely seen that face before.
Wilfrid: She looks familiar.
For some reason, I feel like she was a cheerleader.
- Is she a cheerleader? - No, she works in a pet store.
She seems too pretty to be working in a pet store.
They usually have ugly girls working there.
I think they do that to make the pets look cuter.
I could have sworn she was a cheerleader.
You losin' your mind.
Oh, I've never seen her before.
Hey, Walter.
You seen this woman before? She's a porn star.
She's a porn star.
Trust me.
Walter would know.
[Mouse squeaking.]
[Door creaks.]
[Toilet flushes.]
I think we can come out now.
No.
No, we can't.
I'm not ready yet.
- But I'm bored.
- Mouse: Psst! Tell her a story.
Um, how 'bout I tell you a story? Oh, come on.
Give me another chance.
I'll be better now that I'm Feeling creative.
Fine.
You need a costume.
Grab this hat.
Once upon a time.
Once upon a time, Both: there was a super hero named the Masked Whisperer.
The only person that could hear her was her trusty sidekick, Glenda the Beautiful.
Together, they rode around the world on the back of a magic snail that ate jelly beans and farted rainbows.
What did the rainbow farts smell like? Hot chocolate? Hot chocolate.
Go on.
[Christy moaning.]
Oh, my God! Take a look at this one.
Wow.
She's very accommodating to that basketball team.
[Laughter.]
[Laughter.]
Christy: Shh! This isn't as look as it bads.
And that was that.
Paul found out about my past, and I came clean about the brownies.
Since I didn't have any drugs on me, the cop let me go with a stern lecture as long as I promised I would go to the closest AA meeting I could find, so here I am.
I guess what I've learned from all this is that if I wanna be in a good relationship, I need to be honest.
And if the person still loves me after they learn who I am and who I've been, well, then I guess I'm with the right guy.
So, I just gotta ask You've been pretty tame in bed.
- Have you been - I've been holding back.
Get ready to have your mind blown.
[Laughs goofily.]
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh - [Seatbelt clicks.]
Who wants to hear a story on the way home? I wanna hear a story about a caterpillar! Okay.
There once was a caterpillar named Stan.
["Hang On" plays.]
Hang on, hang on 'Cause it's the little things The little things that do us harm I'm not a stranger Ain't a mystery When we both get it wrong What you thought was a hurricane Was just the rustling of the wind [Cellphone chimes.]
- - Why you think we need amazing grace Just to tell it like it is? Oh, I don't need no doctor To tear me all apart Aha! [Laughs.]
I knew it.
I knew it.
What are you doing here? I hate to do this to you, buddy, but I'm gonna need the keys to someplace called Froggy Cottage.
Otherwise, your wife's gonna have a front-row seat to a little movie starring you and my stepmother in the VIP room.
Motherf
It's pretty much a new episode each week with brand-new characters.
But there are a few things you should know first.
So there's this stripper at a bikini bar who secretly records guys in the VIP room.
And then she and her stepson sell the guys the tape.
Oh, and the old dude who gives out the keys - to people who rent the cabins? - [Croaks.]
He went to the bikini bar and got a lap dance.
And now, I think that chick's gonna blackmail him.
I don't know.
Seems like a lot to keep track of.
But I just caught you up in 15 seconds.
Yeah, but you talk real fast.
Maybe if I had, like, images to look at? Wherever we go That's fine by me We'll settle our bones Eventually Yeah, I need a break, I need a minute Just give me one day Let's get, get, get away Glenda: Lady, where are you?! Her name is Christy.
Christy? [Creaks.]
Can we play another board game? Sure, after we find Daddy's friend.
Christy: I'm gonna start writing in this guest book because I have to do something to occupy my brain so I don't go completely insane.
[Sniffs.]
My name is Christy, and I'm currently hiding under your stairs.
It was my new boyfriend's idea to come stay in your cabin for a few days - so I could get to know his daughter.
- [Engine starts.]
Daddy, tell me a story! Maybe Christy would want to tell you a story.
Tell her a story.
She loves stories.
- I wanna hear a story about a snail.
- I don't think I know any - stories about a snail.
- I usually just make something up.
Of course.
She's 7.
Got it.
Um, one day, there was a snail named Snailey Snail Snail.
[Chuckles.]
And boy, was he chubby.
Chubby.
So, what do you do for a living? I'm in charge of the rental office for the vacation cabins at the top of the mountain.
- Cool! - Yeah.
You wanna see me act like a kitty cat? Sure.
[Meowing.]
I've been recording this dude for an hour, but I don't know how you're gonna blackmail him.
All he does is chat.
He didn't even touch himself when he went to pee.
He's a sitter.
Well, we still have the tape of he and I in the VIP room.
And he's not gonna have to pay us.
Other people are.
Check it out.
I've listed five houses up on the mountain for people to rent.
When the people call, we'll get the keys from the old dude, - and we'll collect the cash.
- How'd you get on the World Wide Web? Got the password from the dishwasher next door for 5 bucks and a French handshake.
[Retching.]
Stop doing that stupid cat shit! And then the snail stopped in the parking lot.
This isn't a story.
You're just looking out the window and talking about what you see.
It did seem to cover a lot of ground for a snail.
I'm sorry.
I suck at this.
Don't worry.
You'll get better.
- Hi.
- [Door closes.]
I'm here to pick up the keys to Froggy Cottage.
It's not that I don't like children.
It's just my lifestyle hasn't given me a lot of opportunities to be around them.
[Sniffs.]
I started doing porn shortly after I realized my degree in communications was a big joke my college played on me.
If you don't mind, could you try not to finish on my face? It goes where it goes.
Christy, don't smile with your mouth.
Smile with your pelvic floor.
In the beginning, it was great.
The money was good, and the drugs were super fun.
But eventually, thanks to the stupid Internet, the money started to dry up.
And the drugs became less fun and more of just a way to get through the day.
[Sniffs.]
You ready, sweetheart? If you finish on my face, I swear to Christ I will tie your dick into a poodle.
I'm just the A.
D.
Your co-stars are over there.
[Bell rings.]
And then it happened In the blink of an eye, every porn ingenue's nightmare.
[Gasps, voice breaking.]
I had become a MILF! I thought by the time this happened, I'd be retired.
I'd be a real MILF with kids and a HILF.
I was sure my chance to have a normal life had passed me by.
Man: All tuckered out from too much baking? - What? - You forgot to take off your apron.
I love to bake, too.
When I was married, my wife used to make fun of me for it.
That and about a million other things, including my crooked teeth.
[Laughs goofily.]
And my goofy laugh.
I like your laugh.
- Thanks! - Listen, you mind if I sit down? It's super crowded in here.
I promise I won't bother you.
Oh, no.
Go ahead, please.
I bet you were making cupcakes.
Um, yeah.
Cupcakes.
How'd you guess? Your apron has frosting all over it.
Oh.
Our accidental coffee date led to dinner, and the next thing I knew, I was dating a unbelievably sweet and caring guy.
For the first time in my life, I was in a normal relationship.
And if I wanted this to work, he needed to think I was a normal girl.
I stopped doing porn, and I got a job at a pet store.
I quit doing drugs, I dressed more conservatively, and I even gained 4 pounds.
I was playing the role of the perfect woman, but this weekend was gonna be harder with his kid in the mix.
So to settle my nerves, I brought a little something from my old life.
Just a little pinch now and then to take the edge off.
Brownies! [Knocking on window.]
Dad, she has brownies! Can I have some brownies? I don't see why not.
I bet your new buddy Christy would love to share one of her brownies with you.
It's kinda close to dinner, don't you think? It's fine.
She loves brownies more than she loves stories about snails.
[Muffled.]
I'm sorry.
I don't like to share.
Glenda: Should we look outside? Maybe, but I thought it was implied that we hide in the house.
[Door closes.]
Okay.
Where were we? Oh, yeah.
We had just arrived at your cabin shortly after I had eaten two weeks' worth of pot brownies.
This place is nice! Check it out, Glenda.
They have board games.
"High School Hijinks.
" This looks fun.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
A normal person would just force themselves to throw up the brownies, and this nightmare would be over.
Well, a normal person didn't spend eight months deep-throating a wiffle-ball bat at porn camp so she could desensitize her gag reflex.
[Sighs.]
The talent that used to get my name above the title has become a handicap that may cost me the first good relationship - I've ever been in.
- Paul: Christy, hurry up! We're gonna play a game! About 20 minutes later, I think I was starting to feel the effects of the brownies because that damn spinner on the board game seemed to spin forever.
Christy? Christy? [Voice echoing.]
Christy? Christy? Christy? Christy? Christy? Christy? Christy? Sorry.
Oh, you already spun.
Oh.
Um, anybody else hot in here? - No, not really.
- Mnh-mnh.
You need to pick an elective on your next turn.
Think about what you're good at.
All the guys that you've bumped Must be great at pornography.
- What did she say? - She said all you need is an iPhone to be great at photography.
Mm-hmm.
[Frogs croaking.]
How 'bout we take a break? You guys look like you could use some fresh air.
- [Laughs.]
- [Giggles.]
- Hey! - Oh, hi! - Hi.
- Is this okay? She saw the swing, and there was no talking her out of it.
No.
It's no problem.
I put it up for my son.
He only comes to visit me every other weekend.
- Single dad.
- [Camera shutter clicks.]
I'm in the same boat.
I thought I was already as high as I could get, but then the second brownie must have kicked in 'cause I was starting to feel it in my body just as much as my head.
I was getting super thirsty, and I felt like I was burning up.
And then I lost my shirt.
Anyway, I'm hoping my wife and I can get back together.
I was thinking of inviting her to stay next time my son comes to visit, but I'm I'm scared to ask her 'cause every time we talk, we get into a fight.
How would you handle it if if you wanted to get back together with your wife? It's hard for me to imagine 'cause Glenda's mother and I aren't married anymore 'cause Glenda's mother died in a fire.
[Ropes creaking.]
[Camera shutter clicks.]
[Breathing heavily.]
Come on, Christy.
Get it together.
Now you're paranoid and seeing things.
[Blows air.]
Why are your boobies out? - I can't find my shirt.
- [Chuckles.]
It's behind your head, silly.
- Let's play the game some more! - Sounds good to me.
Christy? Um Why don't we play hide-and-go-seek instead? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven I knew hide-and-go-seek would give me time to be alone.
If we could play for the rest of the night, I wouldn't have to have a conversation longer than a minute until I could sleep this off.
And the better hiding place I found, the longer I could be alone.
[Door creaks.]
Glenda: I found you! All right, now let's find Christy.
Hmm! I'd come out, but the last of the brownies are kicking in, and I can't risk Paul finding out.
Some people might think Paul is boring, but boring is just another word for Boring, which might rhyme with snoring, but rhymes aren't the way to Okay, I think I fell asleep.
I just re-read the last sentence that I wrote, and I have no idea where I was going with that other than that I'm super in love with Paul.
Hopefully, I wasn't asleep for that long.
[Knock on door.]
Thanks so much for coming.
She's been missing for three hours.
- I didn't know what else to do.
- Don't worry, sir.
We'll find her.
I think I should go out there.
This has gotten out of hand, and maybe I'm not as high as I think I am.
Mouse: You're still way too high.
[Squeaking.]
Never mind.
Mouse says I'm still way too high.
[Continues squeaking.]
I'll ask around and see if anybody's seen her.
If my daughter wasn't sleeping, I'd come with you.
I hate sitting here doing nothing.
- I feel like I'm trapped.
- Well, if you'd like to join me, I can have an officer sit here in case your daughter wakes up.
Great! I'll see if I can find a picture.
Gosh, I don't know.
I mean, if you and your wife fight every time you talk, maybe you should ask her in a text.
Emojis are a great softener.
That's not a bad idea.
I just feel like if she came with my son for the weekend and we spent some quality time together as a family, she might be more open to working on it.
And you're sure you wanna get back together with her? Lot of single ladies up here who would love to - Oh.
- Actually, it's not a lot.
There are three of us.
We're in a book club Mostly romance novels.
We usually have a lot of wine, and there's a lot of crying.
Carol makes monkey bread.
I, uh, found her driver's license in her purse.
But I think she might be 4 pounds heavier than it says.
Have you seen her? Oh.
She does look familiar.
- Is she an actress? - No.
At least not that I know of.
[Sighs.]
Ah.
I've definitely seen that face before.
Wilfrid: She looks familiar.
For some reason, I feel like she was a cheerleader.
- Is she a cheerleader? - No, she works in a pet store.
She seems too pretty to be working in a pet store.
They usually have ugly girls working there.
I think they do that to make the pets look cuter.
I could have sworn she was a cheerleader.
You losin' your mind.
Oh, I've never seen her before.
Hey, Walter.
You seen this woman before? She's a porn star.
She's a porn star.
Trust me.
Walter would know.
[Mouse squeaking.]
[Door creaks.]
[Toilet flushes.]
I think we can come out now.
No.
No, we can't.
I'm not ready yet.
- But I'm bored.
- Mouse: Psst! Tell her a story.
Um, how 'bout I tell you a story? Oh, come on.
Give me another chance.
I'll be better now that I'm Feeling creative.
Fine.
You need a costume.
Grab this hat.
Once upon a time.
Once upon a time, Both: there was a super hero named the Masked Whisperer.
The only person that could hear her was her trusty sidekick, Glenda the Beautiful.
Together, they rode around the world on the back of a magic snail that ate jelly beans and farted rainbows.
What did the rainbow farts smell like? Hot chocolate? Hot chocolate.
Go on.
[Christy moaning.]
Oh, my God! Take a look at this one.
Wow.
She's very accommodating to that basketball team.
[Laughter.]
[Laughter.]
Christy: Shh! This isn't as look as it bads.
And that was that.
Paul found out about my past, and I came clean about the brownies.
Since I didn't have any drugs on me, the cop let me go with a stern lecture as long as I promised I would go to the closest AA meeting I could find, so here I am.
I guess what I've learned from all this is that if I wanna be in a good relationship, I need to be honest.
And if the person still loves me after they learn who I am and who I've been, well, then I guess I'm with the right guy.
So, I just gotta ask You've been pretty tame in bed.
- Have you been - I've been holding back.
Get ready to have your mind blown.
[Laughs goofily.]
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh - [Seatbelt clicks.]
Who wants to hear a story on the way home? I wanna hear a story about a caterpillar! Okay.
There once was a caterpillar named Stan.
["Hang On" plays.]
Hang on, hang on 'Cause it's the little things The little things that do us harm I'm not a stranger Ain't a mystery When we both get it wrong What you thought was a hurricane Was just the rustling of the wind [Cellphone chimes.]
- - Why you think we need amazing grace Just to tell it like it is? Oh, I don't need no doctor To tear me all apart Aha! [Laughs.]
I knew it.
I knew it.
What are you doing here? I hate to do this to you, buddy, but I'm gonna need the keys to someplace called Froggy Cottage.
Otherwise, your wife's gonna have a front-row seat to a little movie starring you and my stepmother in the VIP room.
Motherf