The Guest Book (2017) s02e03 Episode Script
Counting Problem
1 Previously on "The Guest Book" So I'm thinking of going to the beach, making a fresh start.
This is gonna be amazing.
New town, new people, a whole new me.
Your place looks amazing.
It's my mother's.
It's her income property.
She lives in Idaho, so I just hand out the keys.
- I've been crashing on the beach.
- You can stay here.
- Who's your friend? - Bodhi? He's so exotic.
[CHUCKLES.]
Introduce me.
But the new me.
Remember, Tickles is dead! How much does the baby either look like or not look like the father when it's born? Was the guy you had sex with the same color as your fiancé? [BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[CHILDREN LAUGHING.]
ADAM: You have a lovely beach home which I rented for a family vacation.
And I came prepared.
I brought a random quantity of sunscreen, an indiscriminate amount of plastic cups for water, An unspecified number of Cheez-Its, an arbitrary variety of board games, and a hodgepodge of karaoke CDs.
My name is Adam, and up until recently, I felt compelled to count things.
I grew up in a very ordinary American home.
But around the age of 8, I became less ordinary.
I started counting everything.
Something about it made me happy.
No matter what else was going on ANNOUNCER: Capitals score! I always found more joy in counting.
And because of that, I missed out on a lot of family bonding.
- So much so, that lately - [PHONE RINGS.]
I've started to think my parents and my brother have - stopped inviting me to things.
- WOMAN: Leave a message.
[BEEP.]
ADAM: [ON ANSWERING MACHINE.]
Hey, guys, it's Adam.
Just wondering if anyone is up for hanging out.
Maybe we could play Dominoes if I promise not to count all the dots.
I won't look down.
You can just move my pieces and tell me if I'm winning.
You guys there? Pick up if you're there.
Okay.
Well, I'll just wait till you get home.
One, two, three, four I always knew the counting might prevent me from my career goals, making new friends, or even finding love.
Hey, Adam.
This is a really cool place.
What happened to your food? But it was the fear of losing my family that finally made me take a long look in the mirror.
343 seconds, to be exact.
I tried drugs, but they just made me count slower.
I tried acupuncture.
That just proved to be too much of a temptation.
[QUIETLY.]
nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen I even borrowed my neighbor's dog's collar for a little shock therapy.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
[GROANING.]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
Eventually, I went to see a therapist.
And after several months of crying in her crying chair, - I finally had a breakthrough.
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
And I couldn't wait to reveal the new me to my family.
Bernice check it out.
I just rented a beach house for me and my family, and I didn't even count how many clicks of the mouse it took me.
The website even buffered, and I just sang quietly to myself without counting the rotations of the loading wheel.
I heard you the first six times you said it.
Did I say it that many times? Hmm.
I wasn't counting.
Ooh.
Oh, wow.
Your nephew's gonna love that.
I sure hope it fits.
He wouldn't let me measure him.
Huh.
- Here you go, man.
- [COINS RATTLE.]
Take care.
[SNIFFS.]
I'm sorry.
The keys have gotta be here somewhere.
I'm just a bit out of sorts.
My fiancée gave birth last week, and I haven't really been sleeping.
I looked down.
[SIGHS.]
I shouldn't have looked down.
Ah, well, not a problem.
My family doesn't arrive till the evening.
Normally, I'd be counting the seconds, but I'm cured.
Hey, Vivian, could you check and see if the keys to the beach house are back there? - VIVIAN: Okay! - [CELLPHONE RINGS.]
- [CELLPHONE CLICKS.]
- Hello? We're not gonna be able to make it.
What's the matter? Look, if this is about counting, I'm cured.
Th-That's what I want to show you guys.
Plus, I got everybody's favorite snacks and board games.
And I even rented a karaoke machine that syncs up to cool lights, just like at Aunt Jean's wedding.
Remember that wedding? That's what I wanted to show you with the karaoke.
- Adam, Adam, Adam.
- The karaoke is It sounds great, a-and I'm sure you think you're cured, but yesterday, some moron drove their car into the oil-changing pit, and I might have to go to a funeral.
Well, I-I could pick up Mom and Dad.
My car only has one passenger seat, but I could make two trips.
And I know that sounds like I'm counting, but I'm not.
I'm just explaining.
He wants to come pick you up, one at a time.
I think we should go.
Why, so we can watch him count sand for a weekend? If Dave's not going, I'm not going.
Sorry, Adam.
It's just not gonna work out.
We'll have to reschedule.
Okay.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
[SIGHING.]
Oh.
They were in my pocket the whole time.
[CHUCKLES.]
Anyway, enjoy.
[KEYS CLANK.]
So, it looks like I'm gonna have a family vacation all by myself.
Hello.
You look like a local.
A-Any tips on hot spots? Hello? Never mind.
I'm not gonna say I'm not disappointed.
I am.
But I'm also worried.
You see, part of my recovery was revealing to my family what my big breakthrough was, which wasn't gonna be easy.
But up until now, the excitement of doing so was keeping the counting at bay.
But suddenly, I'm very aware of the fact that I've written 23 A's, 14 K's, 13 T's in the last 46 seconds.
Not to mention the 27 birds that have flown overhead.
- [BIRD CAWS.]
- 28 birds.
And now I've written the letter T 22 times.
Actually, 32, 'cause every time I write something, it goes up.
I'm up to 36.
39.
41.
42.
44.
[BOOK THUDS.]
The next day, the counting was getting worse, and I couldn't just sit in your house all day staring at 8 bottles of sunscreen, 350 plastic cups, 1,846 Cheez-Its, 22 karaoke CDs, and 12 board games, which have a total of 811 pieces, so I decided to venture out for lunch.
Just one? Always.
Is the bar okay? Sure.
Did you used to live up in the mountains? Water, you said? I'll be right back with that.
I was hoping that being around some people would distract from the counting.
But even though I was surrounded by people, I was still alone.
The bar's actually not okay.
May I sit at a table? One, two, three Can I get a booth? I was spinning out of control, desperate for human interaction.
I think you're wrong, honey.
I know for a fact I'm right.
I'd bet my new knees on it.
What's the name of the woman Gary Hart cheated on his wife with? Who's Gary Hart? Gary Hart was the front runner - of the Democratic nomination in 1988, - and her name was Debbie Rowland.
- No, it wasn't.
- Yes.
Debbie Rowland was my math teacher - in the seventh grade.
- Donna Rice! - Rice.
- [SIGHS.]
Thank you, sir.
Sure, anytime.
I got a lot of info in this old Google Noodle.
[ALL CHUCKLE.]
What's his name? This is Clark, named after my uncle, who almost invented a cure for psoriasis back in the '50s.
Oh, he is so cute.
And big.
Ugh, tell me about it.
He busted through my cooch like the Kool-Aid Man.
[IMITATING KOOL-AID MAN.]
Oh, yeah? [LAUGHS.]
Okay.
I'm gonna go check my e-mails since somebody decided to cancel the Internet at home because we have it at work.
You're lucky I love you.
Mm-hmm.
Love you, too.
Just trying to save up for our wedding.
Can't afford to spend money on things we could be getting for free.
You don't hear me complaining, and I have to jerk off at the library theoretically.
As soon as I get some sleep, that's where I'm gonna go.
Well, his first name isn't "Captain.
" That's his rank in the Navy.
Actually, Cap'n Crunch's full name is Horatio Magellan Crunch.
The thought of making some friends started to distract me from counting, so I decided to step up my game.
Psst! Can I have three orders of the onion ring towers? Hey, Tommy.
Can you put one of these up? Who's this? My buddy.
He was smoking a joint in my van, and when I came back, the van was burned, and he was gone.
I mean, I found some bones in the ashes, but I'm really hoping that was from the chicken I was eating the other night.
It's hard to tell though, you know.
Eddie was a little guy, and I did eat a whole bucket.
I like the picture you drew Very Picasso.
Thanks.
Everyone keeps saying that.
[HUSHED.]
What does "Picasso" mean? [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
I believe the actor you're thinking of is named Bob Balaban.
Ooh! I did not expect there to be this many onion rings.
They look so much smaller in the picture.
I would hate to see these puppies go to waste.
You guys like onion rings? - Yeah.
- No.
They're all right.
Great.
Probably be easier to bring these over to you.
Dig in, guys.
Ah, someone getting the jump on some early Christmas shopping? [CHUCKLES.]
Caught me.
Don't forget.
We got a $15 limit.
Plus, you've already given me the best gift ever.
[CHUCKLING.]
Speaking of which, he smells like shit, and we're out of diapers.
Okay.
Yep.
I'll be right out there.
Okay, remember, $15 limit.
The challenge is half the fun.
[LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
So, it was supposed to be a family vacation.
It's a shame they had to cancel.
I brought a ton of food and board games.
All Lew brought was a deck of cards.
If I play Crazy Eights one more time, - I'm gonna go crazy.
- [LAUGHS.]
That's hilarious.
No, it's not.
Please don't encourage her.
Look, you guys are letting me crash your lunch.
Can I get another place setting? The least I could do is have you over for game night.
- Sure.
- Sure.
[SUCKING TEETH.]
Did I get it? - Nope, still there.
I'll get it.
- All right.
Jesus.
How much stuff is in there? Mm! Ah! Got it.
An interested itting the chicken pot pie? [KNOCKS ON DOOR.]
Hey, you made it! - Hi! - I'm thirsty.
Wow! Nice place.
Thanks, so let's kick off this fun-filled game night with some Monopoly.
I call the thimble.
48 dimples.
Is that a karaoke machine? Yeah, I rented it for me and my family.
My parents love karaoke.
- Really? - Oh.
I took it up recently, but I, uh I find it very rewarding.
- Can we use it? - Sure.
Well, in in fact, wo-wo-would you mind if I went first? See, I-I was planning on telling my family something, and karaoke is part of it.
I've been rehearsing alone in my apartment, but it would be great to get some real practice in front of someone other than the random people I have paused on my TV.
- Oh.
- Sounds great.
- Sure.
- Seriously? Oh, man.
This is gonna be great.
This is gonna be really good.
I'll be right back, guys.
ADAM: All right.
Go ahead and hit play! [KIM CARNES' "BETTE DAVIS EYES" PLAYS.]
Her hair is Harlow gold Her lips sweet surprise Her hands are never cold She's got Bette Davis eyes She'll turn the music on you You won't have to think twice She's pure as New York snow She's got Bette Davis eyes Whoo! And she'll tease you She'll unease you All the better just to please you She's precocious and she knows just What it takes to make a pro blush She's got Greta Garbo stand-off sighs She's got Bette Davis eyes What do you think? I-It's good.
It's good.
Your singing is a little out of tune.
I-I-I know I'm not the best singer, but You're not a very beautiful lady.
Oh, well, maybe I'm not your type.
Not that I'm gay, because that's not what this is about.
Listen My brother is a ladyboy.
He's much prettier.
Okay, you made it clear how you feel about my looks.
Okay, that's fine.
I will say, I do usually have a little bit more time to put on the makeup, but that's Look, I used to compulsively count things, okay? And I tried everything to stop, a-and it wasn't until I did some soul-searching that I realized, ever since I was eight years old, I had the desire to dress like a woman.
And it was something I had no control over, and subconsciously, that lack of control scared me.
But then I found something I did have control over Counting.
One, you know, it made me feel like I was in charge.
A-And two, when it was the only thing I was thinking about, I didn't have to wrestle with other thoughts, like, you know who would love me for who I really am? So, once you dressed up like a woman, - you stopped counting? - It didn't completely stop until I decided to tell my family.
But then, once they canceled, it started again.
But then, when I decided to tell you guys, I-I was cured again.
Although I I have to admit, I-I'm not quite sure how you feel about this yet, and I am fighting the urge to get a tally of the moles on the back of William's neck.
So I-I-I'm gonna need some feedback here.
Are you freaked out? She'll expose you When you snows you Off your feet with the crumbs she throws you She's ferocious and she knows just What it takes to make a pro blush All the boys think she's a spy She's got Bette Davis eyes [MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING.]
She'll expose you When she snows you And she knows you She's got Bette Davis eyes Oh, shit.
[FEEDBACK.]
What What are you guys doing here? The guy who took the Mazda Miata to the forehead pulled through.
What the hell's going on? Look, uh, this isn't the way I wanted you guys Why are you dressed like Aunt Peg? This is instead of counting.
See, my psychiatrist said that God damn it.
This is all out of order.
See, I-I-I wanted you guys to see that I wasn't counting anymore.
Then we would play board games like a normal family, a-a-and then I would show you all this.
This This is just practice.
Who are the Japanese people? - They're you guys.
- We're Chinese.
Okay, not now, Beth.
Thank you.
- I think I'm gonna throw up.
- No, no, no, no, Mom.
See, you're freaking out thinking I have two weird things.
I don't.
No more counting, just cross-dressing, and it's not even weird.
Plenty of people do it.
William's brother is a ladyboy.
He's a lot prettier.
Okay, you made that clear, William.
Thank you.
We should go.
Okay.
Well, thanks for hanging out, you guys.
You crushed it at karaoke.
Seriously, you crushed it! All right, let me explain again.
You don't have to explain.
We get it.
You either have to count like a mental patient or dress up like a woman One or the other, right? Basically, but I vote for counting.
- Counting.
- Counting.
Okay.
Well, give me a sec to take this stuff off.
Mom, would you please help me with my girdle? It has six snaps and three ribbons.
That's my boy.
805, 806, 807 - Adam, it's your turn.
- Just a second.
Somebody spilled some sugar on the counter.
807, 808, 809 Just take his piece off the board.
[SIGHS.]
- [PIECE CLATTERS.]
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
We're getting ready to head home, but I wanted to say goodbye.
Oh, well, we don't leave till tomorrow.
23 hours, 17 minutes, 43 seconds until we need to check out.
Nice shirt, by the way.
24 palm trees, 7 buttons, 16 bunches of bananas.
Yeah.
O-Okay, uh, thanks.
Adam, my parents and I really like you Everything about you.
We were talking, and Look, we're going skiing in a couple months, and if you want to come with us, we'd love to have you.
Maybe it's time you hung out with a family who accepts you for who you are.
Huh.
I have a family who accepts me for who I am.
I'm a counter.
[CHUCKLES.]
That weirdo just asked me to be a part of his family.
I'm not even Chinese.
Ooh.
Every once in a while You won't have to think twice Won't need no third opinion Or forthcoming advice No, you'll plead the fifth And won't get tricked Get kicked out, or 86'd When the shoe just don't fit You gotta make a little change Quit feeling that same old shame Stop playing that waiting game Oh, welcome, honey, to the golden age Of lettin' tiger out the cage They call you a four, but you're so much more 10 out of 10, if I'm keeping score So, if you're sore down in your core You gotta show 'em what you're all about Quit feeling that same old shame Stop playing that waiting game Oh, welcome, honey, to the golden age Of lettin' the tiger out the cage Whoo, ooh, ooh You keep trying to show these bitches Third time's the charm if you're superstitious So blow that cash and blow them kisses While you're rolling dice and hitting sixes [GUITAR SOLO.]
Hi.
I'm here to pick up the key of Bare Feet Retreat.
I don't know if you remember me.
Oh, I remember you.
- Do I remember you.
- Shit! Yeah, last time you rented the house, I had to re-hang all the pictures.
I'm still getting sand out of the knickknacks, and half the spoons were gone.
It's not easy finding matching spoons, okay? And in fact, they won't truly match until the new ones lose their shine and muster up a patina.
No parties this time, I hope.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
[LAUGHS.]
No parties.
I promise.
This is gonna be amazing.
New town, new people, a whole new me.
Your place looks amazing.
It's my mother's.
It's her income property.
She lives in Idaho, so I just hand out the keys.
- I've been crashing on the beach.
- You can stay here.
- Who's your friend? - Bodhi? He's so exotic.
[CHUCKLES.]
Introduce me.
But the new me.
Remember, Tickles is dead! How much does the baby either look like or not look like the father when it's born? Was the guy you had sex with the same color as your fiancé? [BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[CHILDREN LAUGHING.]
ADAM: You have a lovely beach home which I rented for a family vacation.
And I came prepared.
I brought a random quantity of sunscreen, an indiscriminate amount of plastic cups for water, An unspecified number of Cheez-Its, an arbitrary variety of board games, and a hodgepodge of karaoke CDs.
My name is Adam, and up until recently, I felt compelled to count things.
I grew up in a very ordinary American home.
But around the age of 8, I became less ordinary.
I started counting everything.
Something about it made me happy.
No matter what else was going on ANNOUNCER: Capitals score! I always found more joy in counting.
And because of that, I missed out on a lot of family bonding.
- So much so, that lately - [PHONE RINGS.]
I've started to think my parents and my brother have - stopped inviting me to things.
- WOMAN: Leave a message.
[BEEP.]
ADAM: [ON ANSWERING MACHINE.]
Hey, guys, it's Adam.
Just wondering if anyone is up for hanging out.
Maybe we could play Dominoes if I promise not to count all the dots.
I won't look down.
You can just move my pieces and tell me if I'm winning.
You guys there? Pick up if you're there.
Okay.
Well, I'll just wait till you get home.
One, two, three, four I always knew the counting might prevent me from my career goals, making new friends, or even finding love.
Hey, Adam.
This is a really cool place.
What happened to your food? But it was the fear of losing my family that finally made me take a long look in the mirror.
343 seconds, to be exact.
I tried drugs, but they just made me count slower.
I tried acupuncture.
That just proved to be too much of a temptation.
[QUIETLY.]
nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen I even borrowed my neighbor's dog's collar for a little shock therapy.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
[GROANING.]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
Eventually, I went to see a therapist.
And after several months of crying in her crying chair, - I finally had a breakthrough.
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
And I couldn't wait to reveal the new me to my family.
Bernice check it out.
I just rented a beach house for me and my family, and I didn't even count how many clicks of the mouse it took me.
The website even buffered, and I just sang quietly to myself without counting the rotations of the loading wheel.
I heard you the first six times you said it.
Did I say it that many times? Hmm.
I wasn't counting.
Ooh.
Oh, wow.
Your nephew's gonna love that.
I sure hope it fits.
He wouldn't let me measure him.
Huh.
- Here you go, man.
- [COINS RATTLE.]
Take care.
[SNIFFS.]
I'm sorry.
The keys have gotta be here somewhere.
I'm just a bit out of sorts.
My fiancée gave birth last week, and I haven't really been sleeping.
I looked down.
[SIGHS.]
I shouldn't have looked down.
Ah, well, not a problem.
My family doesn't arrive till the evening.
Normally, I'd be counting the seconds, but I'm cured.
Hey, Vivian, could you check and see if the keys to the beach house are back there? - VIVIAN: Okay! - [CELLPHONE RINGS.]
- [CELLPHONE CLICKS.]
- Hello? We're not gonna be able to make it.
What's the matter? Look, if this is about counting, I'm cured.
Th-That's what I want to show you guys.
Plus, I got everybody's favorite snacks and board games.
And I even rented a karaoke machine that syncs up to cool lights, just like at Aunt Jean's wedding.
Remember that wedding? That's what I wanted to show you with the karaoke.
- Adam, Adam, Adam.
- The karaoke is It sounds great, a-and I'm sure you think you're cured, but yesterday, some moron drove their car into the oil-changing pit, and I might have to go to a funeral.
Well, I-I could pick up Mom and Dad.
My car only has one passenger seat, but I could make two trips.
And I know that sounds like I'm counting, but I'm not.
I'm just explaining.
He wants to come pick you up, one at a time.
I think we should go.
Why, so we can watch him count sand for a weekend? If Dave's not going, I'm not going.
Sorry, Adam.
It's just not gonna work out.
We'll have to reschedule.
Okay.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
[SIGHING.]
Oh.
They were in my pocket the whole time.
[CHUCKLES.]
Anyway, enjoy.
[KEYS CLANK.]
So, it looks like I'm gonna have a family vacation all by myself.
Hello.
You look like a local.
A-Any tips on hot spots? Hello? Never mind.
I'm not gonna say I'm not disappointed.
I am.
But I'm also worried.
You see, part of my recovery was revealing to my family what my big breakthrough was, which wasn't gonna be easy.
But up until now, the excitement of doing so was keeping the counting at bay.
But suddenly, I'm very aware of the fact that I've written 23 A's, 14 K's, 13 T's in the last 46 seconds.
Not to mention the 27 birds that have flown overhead.
- [BIRD CAWS.]
- 28 birds.
And now I've written the letter T 22 times.
Actually, 32, 'cause every time I write something, it goes up.
I'm up to 36.
39.
41.
42.
44.
[BOOK THUDS.]
The next day, the counting was getting worse, and I couldn't just sit in your house all day staring at 8 bottles of sunscreen, 350 plastic cups, 1,846 Cheez-Its, 22 karaoke CDs, and 12 board games, which have a total of 811 pieces, so I decided to venture out for lunch.
Just one? Always.
Is the bar okay? Sure.
Did you used to live up in the mountains? Water, you said? I'll be right back with that.
I was hoping that being around some people would distract from the counting.
But even though I was surrounded by people, I was still alone.
The bar's actually not okay.
May I sit at a table? One, two, three Can I get a booth? I was spinning out of control, desperate for human interaction.
I think you're wrong, honey.
I know for a fact I'm right.
I'd bet my new knees on it.
What's the name of the woman Gary Hart cheated on his wife with? Who's Gary Hart? Gary Hart was the front runner - of the Democratic nomination in 1988, - and her name was Debbie Rowland.
- No, it wasn't.
- Yes.
Debbie Rowland was my math teacher - in the seventh grade.
- Donna Rice! - Rice.
- [SIGHS.]
Thank you, sir.
Sure, anytime.
I got a lot of info in this old Google Noodle.
[ALL CHUCKLE.]
What's his name? This is Clark, named after my uncle, who almost invented a cure for psoriasis back in the '50s.
Oh, he is so cute.
And big.
Ugh, tell me about it.
He busted through my cooch like the Kool-Aid Man.
[IMITATING KOOL-AID MAN.]
Oh, yeah? [LAUGHS.]
Okay.
I'm gonna go check my e-mails since somebody decided to cancel the Internet at home because we have it at work.
You're lucky I love you.
Mm-hmm.
Love you, too.
Just trying to save up for our wedding.
Can't afford to spend money on things we could be getting for free.
You don't hear me complaining, and I have to jerk off at the library theoretically.
As soon as I get some sleep, that's where I'm gonna go.
Well, his first name isn't "Captain.
" That's his rank in the Navy.
Actually, Cap'n Crunch's full name is Horatio Magellan Crunch.
The thought of making some friends started to distract me from counting, so I decided to step up my game.
Psst! Can I have three orders of the onion ring towers? Hey, Tommy.
Can you put one of these up? Who's this? My buddy.
He was smoking a joint in my van, and when I came back, the van was burned, and he was gone.
I mean, I found some bones in the ashes, but I'm really hoping that was from the chicken I was eating the other night.
It's hard to tell though, you know.
Eddie was a little guy, and I did eat a whole bucket.
I like the picture you drew Very Picasso.
Thanks.
Everyone keeps saying that.
[HUSHED.]
What does "Picasso" mean? [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
I believe the actor you're thinking of is named Bob Balaban.
Ooh! I did not expect there to be this many onion rings.
They look so much smaller in the picture.
I would hate to see these puppies go to waste.
You guys like onion rings? - Yeah.
- No.
They're all right.
Great.
Probably be easier to bring these over to you.
Dig in, guys.
Ah, someone getting the jump on some early Christmas shopping? [CHUCKLES.]
Caught me.
Don't forget.
We got a $15 limit.
Plus, you've already given me the best gift ever.
[CHUCKLING.]
Speaking of which, he smells like shit, and we're out of diapers.
Okay.
Yep.
I'll be right out there.
Okay, remember, $15 limit.
The challenge is half the fun.
[LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
So, it was supposed to be a family vacation.
It's a shame they had to cancel.
I brought a ton of food and board games.
All Lew brought was a deck of cards.
If I play Crazy Eights one more time, - I'm gonna go crazy.
- [LAUGHS.]
That's hilarious.
No, it's not.
Please don't encourage her.
Look, you guys are letting me crash your lunch.
Can I get another place setting? The least I could do is have you over for game night.
- Sure.
- Sure.
[SUCKING TEETH.]
Did I get it? - Nope, still there.
I'll get it.
- All right.
Jesus.
How much stuff is in there? Mm! Ah! Got it.
An interested itting the chicken pot pie? [KNOCKS ON DOOR.]
Hey, you made it! - Hi! - I'm thirsty.
Wow! Nice place.
Thanks, so let's kick off this fun-filled game night with some Monopoly.
I call the thimble.
48 dimples.
Is that a karaoke machine? Yeah, I rented it for me and my family.
My parents love karaoke.
- Really? - Oh.
I took it up recently, but I, uh I find it very rewarding.
- Can we use it? - Sure.
Well, in in fact, wo-wo-would you mind if I went first? See, I-I was planning on telling my family something, and karaoke is part of it.
I've been rehearsing alone in my apartment, but it would be great to get some real practice in front of someone other than the random people I have paused on my TV.
- Oh.
- Sounds great.
- Sure.
- Seriously? Oh, man.
This is gonna be great.
This is gonna be really good.
I'll be right back, guys.
ADAM: All right.
Go ahead and hit play! [KIM CARNES' "BETTE DAVIS EYES" PLAYS.]
Her hair is Harlow gold Her lips sweet surprise Her hands are never cold She's got Bette Davis eyes She'll turn the music on you You won't have to think twice She's pure as New York snow She's got Bette Davis eyes Whoo! And she'll tease you She'll unease you All the better just to please you She's precocious and she knows just What it takes to make a pro blush She's got Greta Garbo stand-off sighs She's got Bette Davis eyes What do you think? I-It's good.
It's good.
Your singing is a little out of tune.
I-I-I know I'm not the best singer, but You're not a very beautiful lady.
Oh, well, maybe I'm not your type.
Not that I'm gay, because that's not what this is about.
Listen My brother is a ladyboy.
He's much prettier.
Okay, you made it clear how you feel about my looks.
Okay, that's fine.
I will say, I do usually have a little bit more time to put on the makeup, but that's Look, I used to compulsively count things, okay? And I tried everything to stop, a-and it wasn't until I did some soul-searching that I realized, ever since I was eight years old, I had the desire to dress like a woman.
And it was something I had no control over, and subconsciously, that lack of control scared me.
But then I found something I did have control over Counting.
One, you know, it made me feel like I was in charge.
A-And two, when it was the only thing I was thinking about, I didn't have to wrestle with other thoughts, like, you know who would love me for who I really am? So, once you dressed up like a woman, - you stopped counting? - It didn't completely stop until I decided to tell my family.
But then, once they canceled, it started again.
But then, when I decided to tell you guys, I-I was cured again.
Although I I have to admit, I-I'm not quite sure how you feel about this yet, and I am fighting the urge to get a tally of the moles on the back of William's neck.
So I-I-I'm gonna need some feedback here.
Are you freaked out? She'll expose you When you snows you Off your feet with the crumbs she throws you She's ferocious and she knows just What it takes to make a pro blush All the boys think she's a spy She's got Bette Davis eyes [MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING.]
She'll expose you When she snows you And she knows you She's got Bette Davis eyes Oh, shit.
[FEEDBACK.]
What What are you guys doing here? The guy who took the Mazda Miata to the forehead pulled through.
What the hell's going on? Look, uh, this isn't the way I wanted you guys Why are you dressed like Aunt Peg? This is instead of counting.
See, my psychiatrist said that God damn it.
This is all out of order.
See, I-I-I wanted you guys to see that I wasn't counting anymore.
Then we would play board games like a normal family, a-a-and then I would show you all this.
This This is just practice.
Who are the Japanese people? - They're you guys.
- We're Chinese.
Okay, not now, Beth.
Thank you.
- I think I'm gonna throw up.
- No, no, no, no, Mom.
See, you're freaking out thinking I have two weird things.
I don't.
No more counting, just cross-dressing, and it's not even weird.
Plenty of people do it.
William's brother is a ladyboy.
He's a lot prettier.
Okay, you made that clear, William.
Thank you.
We should go.
Okay.
Well, thanks for hanging out, you guys.
You crushed it at karaoke.
Seriously, you crushed it! All right, let me explain again.
You don't have to explain.
We get it.
You either have to count like a mental patient or dress up like a woman One or the other, right? Basically, but I vote for counting.
- Counting.
- Counting.
Okay.
Well, give me a sec to take this stuff off.
Mom, would you please help me with my girdle? It has six snaps and three ribbons.
That's my boy.
805, 806, 807 - Adam, it's your turn.
- Just a second.
Somebody spilled some sugar on the counter.
807, 808, 809 Just take his piece off the board.
[SIGHS.]
- [PIECE CLATTERS.]
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
We're getting ready to head home, but I wanted to say goodbye.
Oh, well, we don't leave till tomorrow.
23 hours, 17 minutes, 43 seconds until we need to check out.
Nice shirt, by the way.
24 palm trees, 7 buttons, 16 bunches of bananas.
Yeah.
O-Okay, uh, thanks.
Adam, my parents and I really like you Everything about you.
We were talking, and Look, we're going skiing in a couple months, and if you want to come with us, we'd love to have you.
Maybe it's time you hung out with a family who accepts you for who you are.
Huh.
I have a family who accepts me for who I am.
I'm a counter.
[CHUCKLES.]
That weirdo just asked me to be a part of his family.
I'm not even Chinese.
Ooh.
Every once in a while You won't have to think twice Won't need no third opinion Or forthcoming advice No, you'll plead the fifth And won't get tricked Get kicked out, or 86'd When the shoe just don't fit You gotta make a little change Quit feeling that same old shame Stop playing that waiting game Oh, welcome, honey, to the golden age Of lettin' tiger out the cage They call you a four, but you're so much more 10 out of 10, if I'm keeping score So, if you're sore down in your core You gotta show 'em what you're all about Quit feeling that same old shame Stop playing that waiting game Oh, welcome, honey, to the golden age Of lettin' the tiger out the cage Whoo, ooh, ooh You keep trying to show these bitches Third time's the charm if you're superstitious So blow that cash and blow them kisses While you're rolling dice and hitting sixes [GUITAR SOLO.]
Hi.
I'm here to pick up the key of Bare Feet Retreat.
I don't know if you remember me.
Oh, I remember you.
- Do I remember you.
- Shit! Yeah, last time you rented the house, I had to re-hang all the pictures.
I'm still getting sand out of the knickknacks, and half the spoons were gone.
It's not easy finding matching spoons, okay? And in fact, they won't truly match until the new ones lose their shine and muster up a patina.
No parties this time, I hope.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
[LAUGHS.]
No parties.
I promise.