The Guest Book (2017) s02e05 Episode Script
Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
1 MIKE: Hi.
My name is Mike.
- [FLY BUZZES.]
- And while your house is very nice, this isn't going to be a love letter thanking you for letting us stay here.
We usually come to the beach twice a year A week at the beginning of the summer and a week at the end.
My wife's sister owns a place right on the water.
Her husband is a lawyer.
My family and I rent a condo on the other side of the freeway because I'm not a lawyer.
Guys, you've got to pay attention.
You're You're dropping everything.
How come Aunt Debbie gets to stay on the beach? Because Aunt Debbie married well.
LISA: Shh! You want a dad who represents multi-national corporations in tort litigation? Huh? Does that seem like a fun dad to you? [SIREN WAILS.]
[COINS CLATTER.]
[PIGEON COOS.]
Getting a new credit card? Hopefully.
Mine are maxed out.
Last week, I hit the limit on my Target, and this morning, I used up my Chevron card buying groceries.
Tommy tore my cards up.
Apparently, we can't afford my obsession with shoes now that we have to save up to get married because we have a kid.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah.
Speaking of that, I'm totally available to babysit If the baby's already asleep and you want to pay someone to watch TV.
Hey.
Something's wrong with my phone.
Every time I call you, it goes straight to my own voicemail.
Oh, no.
That's right.
After I dropped Clark at your sister's, I stopped at the phone store to see about reducing our bill, and after a brief, but spirited, discussion on roaming charges, I ended up canceling my phone and just had them forward all my calls to yours.
Oh, and I bought a churro.
I'm telling you that 'cause I feel guilty about having a dessert when it's not the weekend.
Wait, so, you're just not gonna have a phone anymore? Well, sure I will.
We'll just share yours.
[PHONE RINGS.]
- Hello? - Is this Nikki Gooze? - Who's calling? - Is it for me? If it's a survey, don't hang up.
I actually enjoy those.
Shh.
This is Shyrell from Colton Laboratories.
We received your DNA sample and your cash, but you didn't fill in your Yeah, um, actually, we're not interested in a home renovation right now, so, um, thank you so much for calling, though.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
Oh, also, we only get 15 texts per month now, so Make 'em count.
So, guys, I have a little surprise for you.
I was thinking, when we come back in a few months, maybe we can get a house on the beach, like Aunt Debbie.
This place looks awesome.
[QUIETLY.]
Honey, what are you doing? A place like that that's gonna cost an arm and a leg.
[QUIETLY.]
I'll figure it out.
Don't worry.
You married better than these kids think.
[LINE RINGS.]
Colton Laboratories.
This is Shyrell.
Hi.
This is Nikki Gooze.
You just called.
Do you, um, have my DNA results? Sweetheart, we just got your samples today.
Results can take up to 12 weeks.
I was calling you because you didn't fill in your address.
Yeah, that's because I live with my fiancée, and he can't know I'm doing this.
Okay, so, then, we should call you with your results.
- [PHONE BEEPS, ENDING THE CALL.]
- You need to quit it.
Hold on a sec.
- [PHONE BEEPS.]
- Hello? Uh, is Tommy there? Can you call back in a few minutes? - Okay, but I was - [PHONE BEEPS.]
Okay, you can't call me.
No.
Yo you ha in fact, you need to take this number out of your system.
Never call this number again.
Okay, then, we will need an address.
How about your work? Uh, work's no good.
Let me think.
I swear to God, I will come over there and punch your ass.
That's right.
Punch it.
I'd kick it, but my arms are stronger than my legs.
Oh, come on.
You know I'm just playing.
Hey.
Put a stamp on this, would you? Vivian didn't have one, so I told her I'd mail it for a dollar.
Doubled our money.
Told you buying those forever stamps 10 years ago was going to pay off.
You know what? Send it to 638 Carp Lane.
Hiiii.
If you're tired of living in a tent, you can totally stay at my apartment.
Ah, thanks, but the tent's not that bad.
And somebody keeps dropping off food in the morning, so, I mean, it's Well, I have those pillows that memorize your head and a vegetable crisper full of Red Bull.
- I'm in.
- Okay.
It's for you.
Hello? [ECHOING.]
Yes, I was calling about the house for rent.
I was wondering if it's available the week of, uh I'm sorry.
One second.
I'm getting a bad connection.
I've got an echo.
I'm going to head outside.
Okay.
He's gonna head outside.
He's getting a bad echo.
[DOOR OPENS.]
As luck would have it, your house was available the week we needed it.
I just had to figure out a way to pay for it, which meant pulling double shifts at work for the next two months.
And the plan was going pretty smooth until one night, during the tail end of a double shift, I was really tired, and I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking [TRUCK BEEPING.]
- Whoa! - [GLASS SHATTERS.]
which led to a bit of an accident.
- [BONE CRUNCHES.]
- [SCREAMS, CRIES.]
Turns out, my wife was wrong about your house.
- [FLY BUZZES.]
- It didn't cost me an arm and a leg.
Just a leg.
You learn a lot of things when you lose a limb.
For one, you learn you don't just buy a prosthetic leg off the rack.
They have to fit you for it, and it takes a few months to get made.
You also learn that children get pretty freaked out by a missing limb no matter how hard your wife tries to make it fun for them.
All right, kids.
Who wants to meet Daddy's new friend, Mr.
Whiskers? [QUIETLY.]
You go.
Go.
And while they prescribe anti-bacterial soap to help protect you from infection You learn they don't prescribe anything to protect your feelings.
[GAGS.]
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
It's the first time that I've seen it naked.
It's not that bad.
[GAGS.]
The next thing you learn is that you don't get to pick your home nurse.
That's good.
That's good.
Okay.
Oh! Relax.
Relax.
Let me steer.
I am the captain now.
[LAUGHS.]
That was from a movie with Tommy Hanks.
"I am the captain now.
" You see, there was a gentleman who sounded like me who was a pirate, and when he took charge of Tommy Hanks' boat, he looked at him and he said "I am the captain now.
" Yeah.
I saw the movie.
Yeah, we saw it.
Then, you learn you can't even sleep in your own bed anymore.
[GASPS.]
Oh, Mike! Oh, it touched me again.
The stump It poked through the pillow barrier, and it touched me.
What the hell do you want me to do?! I thought you were gonna wear the kitty-cat cozy that I made for you.
When I wear Mr.
Whiskers, my stump gets hot, it sweats, and you complain it smells like old mayonnaise.
Pick your poison, Lisa.
Pick your poison! Mayonnaise.
But the worst thing was the boredom.
The days turned into weeks, the weeks turned into months, and before you know it, we lose all track of time.
Lisa! Why are you yelling? Why aren't we at the beach? We were supposed to start using the house three days ago.
I just figured with everything going on Mike, I mean, you haven't left the house all summer.
I lost 9 inches of my leg for a week in that house, Lisa! Every day we don't use it is 1.
3 inches of flesh I lost for nothing.
I lost an ankle for nothing! Kids, pack your shit! We're going to the beach! Good morning.
Oh, wonderful.
You're off the chair.
I'll take this opportunity to Febreze the cushions.
We're going to the beach! Splendid.
The salt water is actually good for healing wounds.
You hear that, Lisa? Maybe my leg will grow back! Perhaps it will! That will never happen.
But they told us in nursing school that optimism has been clinically proven aster get a patient back on their feet foot.
Every second I wasn't in your rental house, I was losing money.
So we packed up the wagon and hauled ass to the beach.
[MAIL MAN SINGING INDISTINCTLY.]
VIVIAN: [QUIETLY.]
Yes! Vivian? BODHI: Vivian? Yeah? Look what I found in the bathroom.
[SURPRISED.]
What is that?! It's a camera in a tissue box.
Where did you get this tissue box? Um, I I think that I got it at the drug store over on Maple.
Some creep at the drug store must be putting cameras in tissue boxes so he can watch women shower from his computer.
- [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
What? - Yeah.
We should go down to that drug store and buy all the tissue boxes so that no other women have to Do I smell Hot Pockets? Oh.
Yeah.
Bacon and cheddar Your favorite.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm cooking them in the oven because you said the microwave doesn't crust them up like you like.
And and if that doesn't work, I can start experimenting with basting.
- Wow.
Vivian, you're the best.
- Oh.
I don't know how I'm ever gonna repay you for letting me stay here.
Well, I'm sure we'll think of something.
In the meantime, why don't you give me this camera, and I'm gonna make a formal complaint.
You know what? I've got a better idea.
I'm going to put this back in the bathroom, stand right in front of it, and jerk off.
Yeah.
Let's give that drug-store creep a whole lot more than he bargained for.
[LAUGHS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh, yeah.
Hey.
Hey! There's lotion under the sink! Anyway, my point in writing all of this is that you should think about lowering your rental price, so an average family of four can go on a nice vacation without losing a limb.
That's right.
I blame you.
Mike.
[LAUGHING.]
That's not funny! Oh, come on.
They're just having fun.
Look at the little seashells they used as toenails.
Tell me that doesn't make you smile.
[LAUGHING.]
You think this is funny?! I'm crippled! Why don't you go tell your parents you made fun of a cripple, you little pricks?! Go on! Get! [GRUNTS.]
Hot.
Hot.
Hot.
Hot.
Hot.
Hot.
Hot.
Hot! Hot! Hot! Maybe the kids can all sleep over at my place tonight.
Mike seems like he could use a break or a blowjob.
Thanks.
Mike? Mike?! Where are you going?! I'm going home.
The sand is too hot.
People keep staring at me.
This was a stupid idea.
Wait, you're just gonna leave us here? You're acting insane! Insane?! I'm acting like a guy who lost his leg, Lisa! Trust me.
You have no idea what it's like to be in my shoe! The second we get back to the house, I'm checking these things for cameras.
Good idea.
You know, we should probably also check each other for cameras.
You know, kind of like how, after you go hiking, you check for ticks.
Eddie?! I got to go.
BODHI: Buddy.
Where have you been? If you've been hiding, you don't have to.
I'm not pissed that you burned down my van/home.
I know it was an accident.
I'm not gonna kick your ass.
Okay, uh, first of all, I'm pretty sure I could beat the shit out of you, but let's put a pin in that for the moment.
I was hoping the next time I saw you, I would be finished.
Finished with what? I got it from a yard sale of sorts.
Basically, I saw it sitting in someone's yard and I asked if it was for sale.
I tried to replace all the stuff that was inside.
Here's a new action figure.
Handsome Man.
I made his gi flame-retardant, so, God forbid, he doesn't die the same way twice.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
I don't know what to say.
I can't believe you did this.
Well, I had to, man.
My substandard joint extinguishment destroyed your van/home.
I would never blame you for that! Well, I know.
That's why I had to do it.
[BOTH CRYING.]
Were you the one who was leaving the food outside my tent on the beach? I didn't want you to be hungry.
Thanks.
[SNIFFS.]
But for the record, I like my peanut butter smooth, not crunchy.
I wish I would have known that! [SOBBING.]
God damn it! I left my credit card at the beach.
Let's go.
Keep it running? [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
[GRUNTING.]
MAN: [GRUNTS.]
Lisa! Shit.
Mike! This is nothing! I had too many beers, and he let me cry on his shoulder.
And then, we just We smoked a little hash, and we watched a little porn on his phone, and then, this just happened! Mike! Mike! Mike, wait! Oh, my God.
What did I do? What did I do? This is not your fault.
I am to blame.
Sometimes, I can't control my desire to comfort.
No, you need to leave.
Are you sure? Because I believe the orgasm count is Lisa: 1, Kwame: 0.
Don't we think should even things out No.
- Huh? - No.
[CRYING, SNIFFLING.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[DOOR CREAKS OPEN.]
[BREATHES HEAVILY.]
["WALK A MILE IN MY SHOES" PLAYS.]
Perspective is an interesting thing.
And sometimes, to truly understand why someone does the things they do, you need to imagine what would have happened if the shoe wasn't on the other foot.
If I could be you, and you could be me Just for one hour Instead of being wrapped up in your own problems, you need to consider what other people might be going through get inside each other's mind the things they're having to deal with - If you could see you - Sorry.
and how you might not be the only person trying to cope with a shitty situation.
I believe you'd be surprised to see Ooh! Lisa! No, your stump touched me again! You're gonna have to pick your poison, Mike! - Walk a mile in my shoes - Pants? I lost 9 inches of my leg for that beach house, Mike.
Walk a mile in my shoes Pack your shit! We're going to the beach! Before you abuse, criticize, and accuse - Walk a mile in my shoes - Hey, that's not funny.
I'm acting like a woman who lost her leg, Mike! Now your whole world You have no idea what it's like to be in my shoe! You see around you And when we're hurting, stressed, and vulnerable, we're all capable of making decisions that we might later regret.
Says you're gonna reap - Just what you sow - Mike? Oh, shit.
No, no, no, no.
This isn't what it looks like.
So unless you've lived a life of total perfection So, I'm sure you have a good reason why you charge the rent you charge for your beach house.
And if I was in your situation, I might do the same.
I apologize for what I wrote earlier Your pal, Mike.
Mike.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
I understand.
- You do? - Yes.
I've been so focused on what I was going through, I didn't realize what you were going through.
I know this hasn't been easy on you, either.
I forgive you.
Oh.
I I should brush my teeth first.
I think I blew Kwame.
I appreciate that.
[CHILDREN LAUGHING.]
Walk a mile in my shoe Hey! [LAUGHS.]
Walk a mile in my sho-o-oe Before you abuse, criticize, and accuse Walk a mile in my shoe Now, your whole world you see around you Is just a reflection And the law of karma Says you're gonna reap just what you sow - So, unless you've lived a life - Hey! Of total perfection She's stealing my mail! You'd better be careful Of every stone that you should throw And yet we spend the day Throwing stones at one another 'Cause I don't think or wear my hair the same way you do Yeah, well, I may be common people But I'm still your sister When you strike out and try to hurt me It's hurting you Walk a mile in my shoes Walk a mile in my shoes Before you abuse, criticize, and accuse Walk a mile in my shoes [ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS.]
Woman: Hey, Clem.
It's me.
We're renting a beach house this weekend, and we'd love to see you.
Maybe you can bring that girl we've heard about.
- -
My name is Mike.
- [FLY BUZZES.]
- And while your house is very nice, this isn't going to be a love letter thanking you for letting us stay here.
We usually come to the beach twice a year A week at the beginning of the summer and a week at the end.
My wife's sister owns a place right on the water.
Her husband is a lawyer.
My family and I rent a condo on the other side of the freeway because I'm not a lawyer.
Guys, you've got to pay attention.
You're You're dropping everything.
How come Aunt Debbie gets to stay on the beach? Because Aunt Debbie married well.
LISA: Shh! You want a dad who represents multi-national corporations in tort litigation? Huh? Does that seem like a fun dad to you? [SIREN WAILS.]
[COINS CLATTER.]
[PIGEON COOS.]
Getting a new credit card? Hopefully.
Mine are maxed out.
Last week, I hit the limit on my Target, and this morning, I used up my Chevron card buying groceries.
Tommy tore my cards up.
Apparently, we can't afford my obsession with shoes now that we have to save up to get married because we have a kid.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah.
Speaking of that, I'm totally available to babysit If the baby's already asleep and you want to pay someone to watch TV.
Hey.
Something's wrong with my phone.
Every time I call you, it goes straight to my own voicemail.
Oh, no.
That's right.
After I dropped Clark at your sister's, I stopped at the phone store to see about reducing our bill, and after a brief, but spirited, discussion on roaming charges, I ended up canceling my phone and just had them forward all my calls to yours.
Oh, and I bought a churro.
I'm telling you that 'cause I feel guilty about having a dessert when it's not the weekend.
Wait, so, you're just not gonna have a phone anymore? Well, sure I will.
We'll just share yours.
[PHONE RINGS.]
- Hello? - Is this Nikki Gooze? - Who's calling? - Is it for me? If it's a survey, don't hang up.
I actually enjoy those.
Shh.
This is Shyrell from Colton Laboratories.
We received your DNA sample and your cash, but you didn't fill in your Yeah, um, actually, we're not interested in a home renovation right now, so, um, thank you so much for calling, though.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
Oh, also, we only get 15 texts per month now, so Make 'em count.
So, guys, I have a little surprise for you.
I was thinking, when we come back in a few months, maybe we can get a house on the beach, like Aunt Debbie.
This place looks awesome.
[QUIETLY.]
Honey, what are you doing? A place like that that's gonna cost an arm and a leg.
[QUIETLY.]
I'll figure it out.
Don't worry.
You married better than these kids think.
[LINE RINGS.]
Colton Laboratories.
This is Shyrell.
Hi.
This is Nikki Gooze.
You just called.
Do you, um, have my DNA results? Sweetheart, we just got your samples today.
Results can take up to 12 weeks.
I was calling you because you didn't fill in your address.
Yeah, that's because I live with my fiancée, and he can't know I'm doing this.
Okay, so, then, we should call you with your results.
- [PHONE BEEPS, ENDING THE CALL.]
- You need to quit it.
Hold on a sec.
- [PHONE BEEPS.]
- Hello? Uh, is Tommy there? Can you call back in a few minutes? - Okay, but I was - [PHONE BEEPS.]
Okay, you can't call me.
No.
Yo you ha in fact, you need to take this number out of your system.
Never call this number again.
Okay, then, we will need an address.
How about your work? Uh, work's no good.
Let me think.
I swear to God, I will come over there and punch your ass.
That's right.
Punch it.
I'd kick it, but my arms are stronger than my legs.
Oh, come on.
You know I'm just playing.
Hey.
Put a stamp on this, would you? Vivian didn't have one, so I told her I'd mail it for a dollar.
Doubled our money.
Told you buying those forever stamps 10 years ago was going to pay off.
You know what? Send it to 638 Carp Lane.
Hiiii.
If you're tired of living in a tent, you can totally stay at my apartment.
Ah, thanks, but the tent's not that bad.
And somebody keeps dropping off food in the morning, so, I mean, it's Well, I have those pillows that memorize your head and a vegetable crisper full of Red Bull.
- I'm in.
- Okay.
It's for you.
Hello? [ECHOING.]
Yes, I was calling about the house for rent.
I was wondering if it's available the week of, uh I'm sorry.
One second.
I'm getting a bad connection.
I've got an echo.
I'm going to head outside.
Okay.
He's gonna head outside.
He's getting a bad echo.
[DOOR OPENS.]
As luck would have it, your house was available the week we needed it.
I just had to figure out a way to pay for it, which meant pulling double shifts at work for the next two months.
And the plan was going pretty smooth until one night, during the tail end of a double shift, I was really tired, and I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking [TRUCK BEEPING.]
- Whoa! - [GLASS SHATTERS.]
which led to a bit of an accident.
- [BONE CRUNCHES.]
- [SCREAMS, CRIES.]
Turns out, my wife was wrong about your house.
- [FLY BUZZES.]
- It didn't cost me an arm and a leg.
Just a leg.
You learn a lot of things when you lose a limb.
For one, you learn you don't just buy a prosthetic leg off the rack.
They have to fit you for it, and it takes a few months to get made.
You also learn that children get pretty freaked out by a missing limb no matter how hard your wife tries to make it fun for them.
All right, kids.
Who wants to meet Daddy's new friend, Mr.
Whiskers? [QUIETLY.]
You go.
Go.
And while they prescribe anti-bacterial soap to help protect you from infection You learn they don't prescribe anything to protect your feelings.
[GAGS.]
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
It's the first time that I've seen it naked.
It's not that bad.
[GAGS.]
The next thing you learn is that you don't get to pick your home nurse.
That's good.
That's good.
Okay.
Oh! Relax.
Relax.
Let me steer.
I am the captain now.
[LAUGHS.]
That was from a movie with Tommy Hanks.
"I am the captain now.
" You see, there was a gentleman who sounded like me who was a pirate, and when he took charge of Tommy Hanks' boat, he looked at him and he said "I am the captain now.
" Yeah.
I saw the movie.
Yeah, we saw it.
Then, you learn you can't even sleep in your own bed anymore.
[GASPS.]
Oh, Mike! Oh, it touched me again.
The stump It poked through the pillow barrier, and it touched me.
What the hell do you want me to do?! I thought you were gonna wear the kitty-cat cozy that I made for you.
When I wear Mr.
Whiskers, my stump gets hot, it sweats, and you complain it smells like old mayonnaise.
Pick your poison, Lisa.
Pick your poison! Mayonnaise.
But the worst thing was the boredom.
The days turned into weeks, the weeks turned into months, and before you know it, we lose all track of time.
Lisa! Why are you yelling? Why aren't we at the beach? We were supposed to start using the house three days ago.
I just figured with everything going on Mike, I mean, you haven't left the house all summer.
I lost 9 inches of my leg for a week in that house, Lisa! Every day we don't use it is 1.
3 inches of flesh I lost for nothing.
I lost an ankle for nothing! Kids, pack your shit! We're going to the beach! Good morning.
Oh, wonderful.
You're off the chair.
I'll take this opportunity to Febreze the cushions.
We're going to the beach! Splendid.
The salt water is actually good for healing wounds.
You hear that, Lisa? Maybe my leg will grow back! Perhaps it will! That will never happen.
But they told us in nursing school that optimism has been clinically proven aster get a patient back on their feet foot.
Every second I wasn't in your rental house, I was losing money.
So we packed up the wagon and hauled ass to the beach.
[MAIL MAN SINGING INDISTINCTLY.]
VIVIAN: [QUIETLY.]
Yes! Vivian? BODHI: Vivian? Yeah? Look what I found in the bathroom.
[SURPRISED.]
What is that?! It's a camera in a tissue box.
Where did you get this tissue box? Um, I I think that I got it at the drug store over on Maple.
Some creep at the drug store must be putting cameras in tissue boxes so he can watch women shower from his computer.
- [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
What? - Yeah.
We should go down to that drug store and buy all the tissue boxes so that no other women have to Do I smell Hot Pockets? Oh.
Yeah.
Bacon and cheddar Your favorite.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm cooking them in the oven because you said the microwave doesn't crust them up like you like.
And and if that doesn't work, I can start experimenting with basting.
- Wow.
Vivian, you're the best.
- Oh.
I don't know how I'm ever gonna repay you for letting me stay here.
Well, I'm sure we'll think of something.
In the meantime, why don't you give me this camera, and I'm gonna make a formal complaint.
You know what? I've got a better idea.
I'm going to put this back in the bathroom, stand right in front of it, and jerk off.
Yeah.
Let's give that drug-store creep a whole lot more than he bargained for.
[LAUGHS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh, yeah.
Hey.
Hey! There's lotion under the sink! Anyway, my point in writing all of this is that you should think about lowering your rental price, so an average family of four can go on a nice vacation without losing a limb.
That's right.
I blame you.
Mike.
[LAUGHING.]
That's not funny! Oh, come on.
They're just having fun.
Look at the little seashells they used as toenails.
Tell me that doesn't make you smile.
[LAUGHING.]
You think this is funny?! I'm crippled! Why don't you go tell your parents you made fun of a cripple, you little pricks?! Go on! Get! [GRUNTS.]
Hot.
Hot.
Hot.
Hot.
Hot.
Hot.
Hot.
Hot! Hot! Hot! Maybe the kids can all sleep over at my place tonight.
Mike seems like he could use a break or a blowjob.
Thanks.
Mike? Mike?! Where are you going?! I'm going home.
The sand is too hot.
People keep staring at me.
This was a stupid idea.
Wait, you're just gonna leave us here? You're acting insane! Insane?! I'm acting like a guy who lost his leg, Lisa! Trust me.
You have no idea what it's like to be in my shoe! The second we get back to the house, I'm checking these things for cameras.
Good idea.
You know, we should probably also check each other for cameras.
You know, kind of like how, after you go hiking, you check for ticks.
Eddie?! I got to go.
BODHI: Buddy.
Where have you been? If you've been hiding, you don't have to.
I'm not pissed that you burned down my van/home.
I know it was an accident.
I'm not gonna kick your ass.
Okay, uh, first of all, I'm pretty sure I could beat the shit out of you, but let's put a pin in that for the moment.
I was hoping the next time I saw you, I would be finished.
Finished with what? I got it from a yard sale of sorts.
Basically, I saw it sitting in someone's yard and I asked if it was for sale.
I tried to replace all the stuff that was inside.
Here's a new action figure.
Handsome Man.
I made his gi flame-retardant, so, God forbid, he doesn't die the same way twice.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
I don't know what to say.
I can't believe you did this.
Well, I had to, man.
My substandard joint extinguishment destroyed your van/home.
I would never blame you for that! Well, I know.
That's why I had to do it.
[BOTH CRYING.]
Were you the one who was leaving the food outside my tent on the beach? I didn't want you to be hungry.
Thanks.
[SNIFFS.]
But for the record, I like my peanut butter smooth, not crunchy.
I wish I would have known that! [SOBBING.]
God damn it! I left my credit card at the beach.
Let's go.
Keep it running? [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
[GRUNTING.]
MAN: [GRUNTS.]
Lisa! Shit.
Mike! This is nothing! I had too many beers, and he let me cry on his shoulder.
And then, we just We smoked a little hash, and we watched a little porn on his phone, and then, this just happened! Mike! Mike! Mike, wait! Oh, my God.
What did I do? What did I do? This is not your fault.
I am to blame.
Sometimes, I can't control my desire to comfort.
No, you need to leave.
Are you sure? Because I believe the orgasm count is Lisa: 1, Kwame: 0.
Don't we think should even things out No.
- Huh? - No.
[CRYING, SNIFFLING.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[DOOR CREAKS OPEN.]
[BREATHES HEAVILY.]
["WALK A MILE IN MY SHOES" PLAYS.]
Perspective is an interesting thing.
And sometimes, to truly understand why someone does the things they do, you need to imagine what would have happened if the shoe wasn't on the other foot.
If I could be you, and you could be me Just for one hour Instead of being wrapped up in your own problems, you need to consider what other people might be going through get inside each other's mind the things they're having to deal with - If you could see you - Sorry.
and how you might not be the only person trying to cope with a shitty situation.
I believe you'd be surprised to see Ooh! Lisa! No, your stump touched me again! You're gonna have to pick your poison, Mike! - Walk a mile in my shoes - Pants? I lost 9 inches of my leg for that beach house, Mike.
Walk a mile in my shoes Pack your shit! We're going to the beach! Before you abuse, criticize, and accuse - Walk a mile in my shoes - Hey, that's not funny.
I'm acting like a woman who lost her leg, Mike! Now your whole world You have no idea what it's like to be in my shoe! You see around you And when we're hurting, stressed, and vulnerable, we're all capable of making decisions that we might later regret.
Says you're gonna reap - Just what you sow - Mike? Oh, shit.
No, no, no, no.
This isn't what it looks like.
So unless you've lived a life of total perfection So, I'm sure you have a good reason why you charge the rent you charge for your beach house.
And if I was in your situation, I might do the same.
I apologize for what I wrote earlier Your pal, Mike.
Mike.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
I understand.
- You do? - Yes.
I've been so focused on what I was going through, I didn't realize what you were going through.
I know this hasn't been easy on you, either.
I forgive you.
Oh.
I I should brush my teeth first.
I think I blew Kwame.
I appreciate that.
[CHILDREN LAUGHING.]
Walk a mile in my shoe Hey! [LAUGHS.]
Walk a mile in my sho-o-oe Before you abuse, criticize, and accuse Walk a mile in my shoe Now, your whole world you see around you Is just a reflection And the law of karma Says you're gonna reap just what you sow - So, unless you've lived a life - Hey! Of total perfection She's stealing my mail! You'd better be careful Of every stone that you should throw And yet we spend the day Throwing stones at one another 'Cause I don't think or wear my hair the same way you do Yeah, well, I may be common people But I'm still your sister When you strike out and try to hurt me It's hurting you Walk a mile in my shoes Walk a mile in my shoes Before you abuse, criticize, and accuse Walk a mile in my shoes [ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS.]
Woman: Hey, Clem.
It's me.
We're renting a beach house this weekend, and we'd love to see you.
Maybe you can bring that girl we've heard about.
- -