The Guest Book (2017) s02e07 Episode Script

Tonight You Become a Man

1 SAM: My name is Sam.
I'm 6 years old.
And tonight I'm supposed to become a man.
I don't think anyone is in there.
Mom, it's me.
I got her.
Where are you? And why are you whispering? Mom, you were supposed to watch Sam.
Where is she? She's in Palm Springs at a silent retreat.
What?! No, it was this weekend.
Why don't you go wait in the car, Sammy? I have the e-mails to prove it.
No, I-I can't hear you when you whisper.
Just forget it.
Forget it.
Well, I guess we can't go now.
No, no, no.
We go every year.
Remember, we promised if we had a kid, it would never change us, right? We already gave up Burning Man, Coachella, Lollapalooza, cocaine [MUFFLED] I don't think that no! It's gonna work out fine.
Don't let that sacrifice Go on.
Mess with me.
I'm gonna [WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY] Pshew.
[GRUNTS] It's gonna be fine.
It's a safe area.
Trust me on this.
[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY] Don't let this Please? Really? [WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY] You did that.
[NORMAL VOICE] Hey! Guess what, buddy? You are gonna go to the beach with us.
I thought I was supposed to stay with Nana? She was supposed to teach me bread-making - and then take me to the - No, this'll be better.
This'll be better than that.
This'll be better than that.
Sammy, what did I tell you about playing with the dolls, man? You're getting too old for this.
- [CELLPHONE RINGS] - [SIGHS] - [CELLPHONE BEEPS] - Hello.
MOM: [WHISPERING] I'm really sorry.
I could have sworn you said next [CELLPHONE BEEPS] BODHI: Looking good, Jack! [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] Please, Vivian, just listen to me I'm not dropping the charges, Nikki.
- You stole my credit card.
- No, I didn't Tommy, if she doesn't back up off me, I'm gonna be forced to mace a bitch.
Well, hopefully, we can resolve this problem without the use of violence or the "B" word.
Nikki, please back up off her.
Do you think you can talk to her on Monday? You know Beacharoo's our busiest weekend.
Speaking of which, do you think your sister could watch the baby for an extra couple hours so you and I can get our jam on? I've still got that half a joint I found in the parking lot last year.
I'm facing up to five years in prison.
I just don't think I'll be in the mood.
Well, I thought it might inspire you.
One of the guys from Chumbawamba is gonna be the emcee.
He got knocked down, and he got up again.
So can you.
Hey, I'm here to pick up the keys for Bare Feet Retreat.
Well, I hope you're here for the music festival.
If not, you picked the wrong weekend.
- It gets a little crazy.
- Oh, no, we're We're here for Beacharoo.
We might, uh, look like a couple of boring parents, but she has a tramp stamp from Coachella, and I got my nipple pierced at the mall.
Okay, great.
Well, I'll just find the keys.
So, just to let you know, there's a shuttle that takes you from our parking lot to the festival.
It's driven by a really nice lady named Betty.
But she just got an awful haircut, so if you pay her a compliment, I will throw in a free mini muffin tomorrow at our sunrise brunch.
SCOTT: Okay.
Are we sure he's old enough for this? He still sucks his thumb.
That's exactly why this is a good idea.
The boy has got to grow up sometime.
[ENGINE SPUTTERING] I think we're gonna have to do it with the car.
Yeah, I thought maybe this would work, but it's not enough juice.
I better get this thing back to the church parking lot before mass gets out.
I need to go to work for a couple of hours.
Are we still going to go over to the festival tonight to sell squirts of hand sanitizer - for a dollar a squirt? - I hope so.
Yeah, if we get there early enough, we can set up by the port-a-potties.
The second those things run out of toilet paper, it's gonna be a gold mine.
I'm just saying I don't think he's ready for this.
Moms always think their kids aren't ready for stuff.
My mom didn't think I was ready for kindergarten, so I didn't go.
And that's why I still have trouble naming shapes.
SCOTT: Sam? Hey, buddy.
Hey, tonight is a big night for you, okay? Tonight you get to stay here all by yourself! What? Yeah, you get to stay by yourself.
Your mother thought about hiring a babysitter, but we don't know anyone at the beach, and I don't feel comfortable leaving you with a stranger.
- So, no babysitter? - Nope.
No babysitter, because you are not a baby anymore.
What am I gonna do? How will I know when to go to bed? - What will I eat? - Your mom's ordering dinner, and your mom and I are gonna be out till way past when the big hand high-fives the little hand.
So that means you get to make your own bedtime.
Wait, why can't I go to the music thing with you? The music festival? Uh, you're not old enough.
But I'm old enough to stay alone? Yeah! We Googled it.
Only three states have laws regarding the minimum age for a child to be left home alone Illinois, Maryland, and Oregon.
Everywhere else it's up to the parents' discretion! Hey.
Come on.
What did I tell you about that? Pacifiers are for babies, and that includes your thumb.
Come on, buddy.
Mom and dad don't get very many chances to have fun.
So don't ruin this for us.
He's excited! Our cellphone number's on a piece of paper by the phone, and the food should be here soon.
Daddy's gonna put some money on the counter.
And don't forget to brush teeth.
[SMOOCHES] SCOTT: Honey, he'll be fine.
Look at him.
Tonight he's our little boy.
Tomorrow he'll be our little man.
See you in the morning, buddy.
[DOORBELL RINGS] I got to go.
Hello.
Are your parents home? No.
It's just me.
Come in.
No tip? That's all they left me.
W-Wait, I have some money in my luggage.
[CELLPHONE VIBRATING] - Hello? - Hey, I got the van started.
Warm up your squirting finger and meet me at the Beacharoo entrance on the corner of Pier Ave and Sullivan.
Got it.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS] I got a bunch of money.
My Nana was gonna take me to the arcade.
Good looking out! [DOOR CLOSES] [WATER RUNNING] MAN: You've found me.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS ON TV] [PEOPLE SCREAMING] - [GROWLS] - Aah! Aah! [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS] [GUNFIRE] [TICKS] - [LIGHT CLICKS] - [GASPS] [BEEPS] [AIR CONDITIONER HUMMING] [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS] [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] I almost wore those exact PJs.
[CHUCKLES] [KEYPAD CLICKING] [PHONE RINGING] SHYRELL: You have reached the desk of Shyrell Vance.
Push 7 to leave a message.
If this is an emergency, press 8 to reach me on my cell.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS] [PHONE RINGING] You got Shyrell.
Hi, I sent in a sample to you guys for a paternity test, and I need to change the address that I gave you.
You pressed 8 for that? Sugar, that's not an emergency.
That's something that can be handled on Monday, when I'm not about to watch "Shark Tank" with my boo.
If your boo could find the remote.
Okay, no, this is an emergency, trust me.
If I don't change the address, the results will get sent to a woman who's really pissed at me right now, and and she'd probably tell my fiancé and it would ruin my whole life.
She sounds like a bitch.
Who's a bitch? What's your name? Nikki Gooze.
Oh, my Gosh, thank you so much.
- You are seriously saving m - They sent it already.
- What? - It got put in the mail yesterday.
What got put in the mail yesterday.
Shit! Can you just tell me the results, then? I cannot tell you the results over the phone.
Confidentiality laws.
Okay, but I won't tell on you, so who's gonna know you broke any laws? Have you ever heard of the government? The NSA? Edward Snowman? Hello, whoever's listening, I know you're there, and Shyrell Vance ain't breaking no laws.
[SIGHS] Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go watch rich people make poor people cry.
- No, no, no! - [PHONE BEEPS] I will trade you a blow job for a foot rub.
Deal.
But, wait, let me pause it so Mark Cuban can watch.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING, INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] I think we might be able to squeeze a few more squirts out of this one.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE] Thanks.
WOMAN: He really thought you were - Follow me, man.
- No way, man.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS] Got my last squirt, buddy.
We should have brought more sanitizer.
People are way filthier than last year.
Don't do it.
Do not call him.
- What if he's scared? - If he's scared, he'll call us.
If you call him now, you're just gonna wake him up.
It's past 9:00 p.
m.
The kid passes out wherever he is.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY] - That was fun.
Working in large crowds with sweaty, half-naked people makes me feel bad about my life's choices.
I hear you.
Not my favorite weekend at the beach.
Hey, you want to go on a road trip? Sure.
How about the mountains? [ENGINE STARTS] [ENGINE REVS] - Whoo! Yeah! - [HOWLS] SCOTT: Party wolf! Oh, it's back.
It's back.
Lower.
Higher.
Left.
Lefter.
You're chasing it all around.
Okay.
All good choices.
Please, will you just listen to me for [GRUMBLES] [UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS] Jesus! You're like Lady Pac-Man.
I could go away for five years, Vivian.
I won't be able to read my son a bedtime story for five years.
Well, at least you'll have something to look forward to.
All I have to look forward to in my shitty life was the arrival of my new credit card.
And you tried to take that away from me so you could buy cute shoes and look all cute for your cute, little fiancé and make your whole cute, disgusting life better? Excuse me while I barf a shit rainbow! [EXHALES SHARPLY] Look, I wasn't trying to steal your credit card.
- [SIGHS] - Okay? [SIGHS] [GROANS] I sent away for some test results that I didn't want Tommy to see, so I used your address.
I wasn't looking for your mail.
I was looking for mine.
What kind of test results? DNA.
- I'm not sure he's the baby's father.
- Oh, shit! I know, so please, just don't tell him, okay? don't tell him.
I-I-I-I don't know what I'd do if the baby's not Hey, hey, hey, hey.
I'm not gonna say anything.
Really? Yeah, I'm all about girl power.
Women's lib, Time's Up, Pound Me Too All that shit.
Look, I'll say whatever you want to - the police so you don't go to jail.
- Oh, my God.
Thank you so much.
Um, and when the DNA test comes, just call me and I'll come pick up, okay? Okay.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hold on a second.
Come on, you can't leave me hanging like that.
Give me the dirt.
Who else do you think the father might be? Oh.
I don't think I should Tell your new best friend who is awesome at keeping secrets? [SIGHS] Bodhi.
You had sex with Bodhi? [SIGHS] Yeah, I mean, it was at a party.
There was, like, lots of drinking.
There was ecstasy involved.
Uh, did did he ever Did he happen to mention if you were, like, his physical type, or if he was open to, say, like, I don't know, like, the exact opposite of you? I don't know.
I actually don't remember much.
Honestly, I tried to forget about it, But then I missed my period and then Tommy walked in on me taking a pregnancy test.
And then he dropped to one knee and proposed.
And, you know what? For all I know, it's his, so TOMMY: Nikki! We got a woman in your section with, uh, winky emojis painted on her boobs asking where her omelet is.
She's pretty sweaty.
We should get her in and out while she's still decent.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Okay.
Um, coming, sweetie! [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Thank you so much.
Just let me know when the results come in, okay? Yeah.
You bet.
You're sure we're going in the right direction now? - Yeah.
- Sorry.
I thought you knew how to get to the mountains.
Nah.
I was just turning every time I saw a road going uphill.
Kitty cat! [BRAKES SCREECH] You're the home-alone kid.
What, from the old movie? No way.
I just saw a picture of that kid in a magazine.
- He's like 80 now.
- Not Mackenzie Clemwich.
This kid was actually home alone.
What are you doing in here? I think I fell asleep when I was trying to get my action figure.
My dad must have taken it with him and dropped it.
That's mine, buddy.
Look, his foot's all banged up from where I have him kick the shit out of his arch-enemies.
You play with action figures? Yeah.
They're cooler than Hot Wheels and not as labor-intensive as Legos.
EDDIE: I think we should find your parents.
Even though you and I have history with me delivering you chicken and such, if we get pulled over with a missing child in the back of our van, I predict a lot of mayhem, and quite possibly some tazing before the truth surfaces.
You're gonna smoke right now? It's medicinal.
What I thought was going to be a tranquil drive to the mountains has developed into an accidental kidnapping.
I hope this smoke isn't getting back there.
You're not suddenly hungry for no reason, are you? No.
You're a brave little dude to be out all by yourself.
First time my parents left me home alone, I hid under the covers the whole time.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
We had a water heater in the basement that sounded like a ghost.
[WAILING] Hey, man! What did I tell you about making ghost sounds when I'm high? But I like making ghost sounds, and you're always high, which leaves me no window to make ghost sounds.
Ghosts aren't real.
How do you know? - My dad told me.
- See? Even the little boy knows you're crazy.
[WAILING] [WAILING] [BOTH WAILING] Okay, Mr.
Ghost Expert.
What are your views on Santa Claus? He comes down the chimney and leaves you presents if you're good.
- That's bullshit.
- Hey, man! [TIRES SCREECH] Can I talk to you outside for a second? What are you doing? You can't tell a kid there's no Santa Claus.
Okay, first of all, I'm high.
You have to take that into account when judging my behavior.
- Fair enough.
- And second of all, you guys were ganging up on me.
- My back was against the wall.
- That's true.
We were ganging up on you.
That's my bad.
Let me hit that.
[HOLDING BREATH] I just want you to get over your fear of ghosts so you don't have to sleep with the dome light on.
We can't keep jump-sing every morning.
[PHONE KEYS CLICKING] - BODHI: Kid? - Where are you? Hope he's not doing something bad now that he knows Santa Claus isn't watching.
If his parents are religious, he still has all the Jesus bullshit to keep him on the straight and narrow for a while.
Wait a second.
There's no Jesus? At what age do they tell you that? [DOOR SQUEAKS] SAM: My name is Sam.
I'm 6 years old.
And tonight I'm supposed to become a man.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] My dad says being a man means a lot of things.
You're not supposed to suck your thumb or use a pacifier.
That's mine, buddy.
You're not supposed to play with action figures.
And you're not supposed to be scared.
- [WAILING] - Hey, man! What did I tell you about making ghost sounds when I'm high? But grown-ups do all those things.
So maybe my dad was wrong.
[VIDEO GAME SOUNDS PLAYING] Maybe you can do all that and still be a man.
Maybe I was already a man.
The only thing I know for sure is I'm never going to smoke drugs 'cause they mess up your brain and make you think Santa Claus isn't real.
See? Told you he'd be fine.
[SNIFFS] He smells a little like weed, though.
Probably 'cause we left the window open.
You were right.
I guess it's just hard for me to accept my little boy is growing up.
He sure drew a lot of pictures.
Such an active imagination.
Early morning, getting ready for school I was just a baby, just a teenage fool Mama, can you help me Shed me some light? I'm tired of being lost Tired of losing the fight She looked me in the eyes And she buttoned my sweater Said, "Just be yourself, honey Only better" I bit my lip, I didn't cry I walked to class with my head held high But, teacher, my brain's 'bout to bust You gave me an F-plus [SPLATTERS] She said, "That's life If you don't like the letter Just do your best Only better" There's something wrong - Am I broke? - Kid, kid, kid? Where are you? I've seen these smiles on all the other folks Everyone's laughing, but I don't get the joke I wanna be better Like fine Italian leather I wanna be better [MOUTHING] Oh, Vivian.
Did you do this [MOUTHING] Sorry, no.
Shit.
I wanna be better [CELLPHONE DINGS]