The Hard Times of RJ Berger (2010) s01e01 Episode Script

Pilot

- My name is rj berger.
Nature made me scrawny and weird-looking, Awkward and pale.
Nature did a lot of things, But I'm not about to roll over and be nature's bitch.
I'm gonna beat it.
Beat the fact that I have more pairs of glasses than friends.
Beat the fact that I was born to lose.
Oh, ride the dragon.
Oh, ride the dragon.
Ride the dragon.
Ride the dragon.
Oh, yeah.
God.
Oh, yeah.
- Hey, it's almost 7:00.
Move that sweet little tuchus.
♪ hello ♪ - Rj, are you okay? - Fine.
- Are you crying? - No.
- Rj, look at me.
Is something wrong? - No.
Can you just give me another minute, please? - I gave you a minute Oh! Forgive me.
- ♪ hey ♪ - O-p-p.
"objective, plan, perform.
" Our objective is clear.
Get people to like us.
Especially hot chicks with low self-esteem.
Our plan? Infiltrate the beauty mob and charm them With our easy-going awesomeness.
Now all we got to do is-- Dude.
Dude, I'm trying to document our rise to greatness.
Are you paying attention? - JennySwanson.
♪ ♪ Be still, my beating balls.
It's weird, you know? - I know.
- Every year, you think she Both: Can't get any hotter.
- Friday night's supposed to be, like, insane.
- Swanson's pool party? Dude, it's the soiree of the semester.
I'm talking robin pretnar in a bikini, okay? Bong rips and nip slips! It's the key to kicking off our big year.
- That's one guest list I don't think we're on.
- Robin pretnar.
Dude, I'd murder everyone I love For one glimpse of those pepperonis.
- 'sup, whores? Guess what's happening today.
- You're taking a weed whacker to that mustache? Lipski's posting sophomore study buddies.
- So? - So perhaps I arranged to be buddies With a certain someone.
You know, for all those late-night cramming sessions? - Lily, why are you so eager to ruin this friendship? - Why are you so afraid to ruin my sheets? - Lily, if he wanted to [bleep] a dog, He'd just go to amsterdam.
- Shut up, miles.
- I thought about you this morning, rj.
About our kiss on the playground.
- That was in kindergarten, lily.
- Back when you weren't The only flat-chested girl in our grade.
- Just because you have bigger tits-- - There! That's what I'm talking about! - What? - Dude, natsumi taniko just looked at you Like you burned down her dojo.
That's, like, the 15th time she's done that.
- Did I tell you I have a date with raven on Friday? - Wait.
Wait, I'm sorry.
You're going out with the dark knight? That kid is like five feet of pure columbine.
- Jealous? - What, is he taking you to the cemetery? You guys gonna drink some absinthe? Maybe read from the twilight books? - Actually, he's taking me to jenny swanson's party, assholes.
And I wouldn't have to slum it with freshman goths If you would just man up and take my offer, rj.
Any time, any place Any orifice.
- Oh, dude.
Max owens just gunned down your boner in cold blood.
What a choad.
- Hey, it's lipski's buddy list.
- I hope I got someone good.
- Excuse me.
Can I-- Can I-- excuse me.
Can I-- - Coming through! Look out! Move! - Hey! - Jake dunbar and alexina kors.
Brendan jacoby and miranda meyer.
Rj berger and Jenny swanson? What the [bleep]? ♪ ♪ - ♪ a-la-la a-la-la ♪ ♪ give me three wishes ♪ ♪ I want to be the dirty finger ♪ ♪ and his six bitches ♪ ♪ a-la-la a-la-la ♪ ♪ give me more too ♪ ♪ I want to be in that crazy band ♪ - You're dragon awaits, my lady.
- Email me so I have yours.
That's what she's doing! - You gonna eat that last piece, son? - No, thanks.
I'm pretty full.
- Oh, what about you, bill? Last piece? - Oh, better save some room, rick.
Something tells me I'm gonna be doing A lot of eating tonight.
Ain't that right, suze? - As long as you don't spoil your appetite, honey, 'cause I brought your favorite dessert.
- Oh, I'll make room.
I'll make room.
- Oh, you bring enough for two? - Or three? - Oh! - Three! Four! All: Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom! - The buffet is open! You know, it's so funny, Because you're talking about linda's vagina.
- Ahem.
- I'm gonna go do drugs.
- I walked in on him masturbating this morning.
God bless him.
He had his lotion and his tissue all laid out.
Just yesterday, he was a baby in my arms.
- Now he's playing with his baby arm! - Oh, that's a-- oh, that's good.
- ♪ day and night ♪ ♪ I toss and turn I keep stressing my mind ♪ - God, it's so warm! - Yay! - Whoo! I love you, rj! - What the [bleep], man? - Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - What the hell's your problem? - [bleep]'s your problem? - Oh! - Damn it, patterson.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Ejections are as follows: Canton, number 22, number 30.
Pinkerton, number 21, number 18, number 24, and number 6.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! I don't have enough subs to cover that.
That leaves me with four players! - Then I guess you'll have to forfeit.
- God damn it! Berger! Get over here.
- Please don't make me mop up any more blood.
- Go put on a uniform.
- I don't even know how to play.
- God damn it, berger! You go put on a uniform or our deal is off.
No more skipping gym.
Now hustle.
God have mercy on us.
Now you listen to me.
We are one basket away from upsetting These undefeated pricks.
All you got to do is stay out of the way for 21 seconds.
So just keep your little toothpick arms down And lock your feet in place.
You got it? - Yeah, okay.
- Good.
Good.
'cause if you bone this cocker spaniel, So help me, I'll choke you to death In front of all these people.
- All right.
- Okay.
- I'll do my best.
- Good.
Good.
Go get 'em.
- Get 'em, bro! Get 'em! - Get your ass-- - Hey, let's go, pirates! - That's how a man smells, bitch.
- Dang! - Oh, no.
- It's okay.
At least he's got his jockstrap-- [crowd gasps] - It's a god damn buick regal.
- Freaking tripod.
- We are saved.
- I'm soaked.
- [bleep] me.
- You asshole! I can't believe you never told me.
Here I am looking for our golden ticket.
It's been draped over your balls this whole time.
- Miles-- - Let me see that beautiful bastard.
I want to kiss it.
- Miles, come on, man.
- Just the tip, all right? Just like this.
Totally non-gay.
- Miles! It's a curse, dude.
- What are you talking about curse? - Okay, fine.
Do you want to know why natsumi taniko Freaks every time she sees me? - Yeah.
- Last summer, remember when I tutored her in english? - Mm-hmm.
- Well, she was, like, the first normal girl Who ever saw me like I was a normal guy.
Mmm.
You're a dope frencher.
I know.
Um My boner just got all hard and-- - Oh, what? Oh.
Oh, yeah.
- Natsumi, are you okay? Natsumi! Are you choking? Natsumi! - Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
That's why you kept it a secret? - I almost killed her, dude.
- It was an accident, rj.
The japanese mouth isn't designed to handle That kind of size.
You see those little egg rolls they eat? She wasn't ready for an american foot-long hot dog.
Dude, you have something that every guy in school Would kill for.
- Okay, that may be, But they'd still always find a way to tear me down.
- And who's always there to pick you up, huh? Who's the only one who showed up to shakey's On your seventh birthday? - Who's the only one who [bleep] in the ball pit? - That could have been anybody.
- Miles, they're gonna destroy me.
- Maybe they will and maybe they won't.
But at least they'll be paying attention.
- ♪ let me break it down for you ♪ ♪ get a little loud for you ♪ ♪ shake the city shake the city ♪ - Oh, wow.
This isBeautiful.
- We deserve this, right? - We so deserve this.
- We deserve this.
- This is, like, out of a young jeezy video.
- Yeah.
Okay, hands in.
- Okay.
- Who invited those losers? - All right.
All right.
"easy-going awesomeness," on three.
All right.
One, two Both: Easy-going awesomeness.
- Okay, let's mingle, mingle.
- Okay.
Play it cool.
Play cool.
- My whores made it! Rj, looking good.
- So, berger You ready to grab destiny by the balls? So then I'm like, "it's just my pinky.
" You get it? The pinky? Cold.
Hot.
But still a diss.
Dude, we are striking out.
- Oh, my god.
Is that sparkling malt liquor? - Robin, hey.
Yeah.
- I love sparkling malt liquor.
- You are so adorable, robin pretnar.
You're like a little meerkat With boobies.
- Oh! Uh-oh! Shh! Shh! Ooh! Ooh! Shh! Okay.
Okay.
It's okay.
No one saw that.
No one saw that.
Not gonna let that kill our vibe, are we? Ugh.
- Is it stuck? - No.
I'm just a weakling.
One of the drawbacks of being little, I guess.
- Yeah.
Maybe I can help.
That is really-- - That is really stuck right there.
- Yeah.
Hey, you're rj berger, right? - Why, yes, I am.
- Maybe you should try pushing with your [bleep].
- So the big lipski test? Bio's my worst subject.
I could really use the grade to make honors, So I'm counting on you, study buddy.
I mean [bleep]ing lipski.
Wait.
Lipski's test.
Yes, I would love to study you--with you.
Biology's actually, like, one of my best subjects And I can name, like, six different types of zygotes Off the top of my head right now.
But I'm not going to.
- Great.
- Well, you have my email.
I do, I do.
- Cool.
- Yep, cool.
- Oh! - Oh, my god.
- You ever talk to her again, I'll kill you, donkey dick.
- Dude, are u okay? - Of course he's not okay, asshole! - Oh, man.
Oh, man.
Come on.
Let's bounce, man.
- Ow.
- Ugh.
No.
- Rj, don't! - Hell you doing talking to that guy? Are you trying to embarrass me? I mean, the kid's a freak.
What the [bleep] do you want? - Oh! - That's how a man smells, bitch.
I'll email you tomorrow.
- Dude, you just served max owens a cup of nut musk! - I know.
- You realize you're dead Monday, right? - Yeah.
But that's Monday.
- Yeah.
- My name is rj berger.
Nature made me scrawny and weird-looking, Awkward and pale But it also gave me a gift And I intend to use it.