The Hard Times of RJ Berger (2010) s01e06 Episode Script

Over the Rainblow

RJ, don't forget to take out the, uh What you looking at? Nothing.
You're looking at pictures of that Jenny Swanson girl again, aren't you? Maybe.
Still dreaming of her golden skadoosh? Dreaming's all I'll ever do.
Come here.
Cop a squat with daddy.
RJ, you're a Berger man.
And if there's one thing Berger men know, it's how to bag chicks.
You want to know your problem? You're aiming way up here right out of the gate.
You know what your grandpa Sam once said to me? He said, "son, you gotta hump a few clunkers before you can fondle a Ferrari.
" Uh, dad, as far as my balls are concerned, the wheel hasn't even been invented yet.
I wouldn't know the first thing what to do.
Well, that's the great thing about clunkers.
You can knock'em up against a few walls, leave cigarette burns in the upholstery, and dump'em in a ditch.
I'm glad we had this talk.
Don't forget to take out the trash.
a™ª a™ª a™ª a™ª My name is RJ Berger, and I think a clunker just pulled into my neighbor's driveway.
- Oh, that kind of Indian.
- Yeah.
Yeah, she's gettable.
Well, you know, dad told me I needed to aim a little lower.
He said I needed to hump a clunker before I handle a Ferrari.
Well, your father has some nerve.
What do you mean? Sweetie, daddy was my clunker.
The first time we rubbed nasties, I was really thinking about rubbing nasties with Jeremy Jessup.
Please don't say "rubbing nasties.
" He was the star of the football team.
He was the star of every team.
He was built like a horse.
- All right.
- Like a bavarian warmblood.
I need to get to class.
All that power at his disposal, all that stamina! Mom! Sorry.
All I'm saying is just be careful.
Sometimes you wind up liking the clunker and driving it around for good.
For the rest of your life.
Oh, well, chop-chop.
Have a good day.
Oh! Oh, that kind of Indian.
She's gettable.
You know who else is gettable, RJ? Me, right now.
I even carved your initials into my hair Kanye-style.
Where? You're looking a little far north.
Ugh! Hey, maybe you could put in a good word with the new girl.
I mean, after all, don't they worship cows in India? [laughs] Hey, that reminds me.
Your mom is dead and everybody hates you.
- Um, hi.
- Hi.
Uh, I'm RJ Berger.
Uh, I'm your new next-door neighbor.
Ah, yes, you're the boy who's been staring at me from the bushes in his backyard.
Oh, it's quite all right.
I'd stare at me, too.
I stick out like a shite in tartar sauce around here.
Although I'd prefer to be eating that to whatever this is.
Yes, I bring my lunch on Thursdays.
Duly noted.
I'm Claire, by the way.
I'm Claire Sengupta.
Nice to meet you officially.
Would you like to eat with my friends and I? I think I would, actually.
This school is just it's a bit intimidating.
I know, I know.
It's, uh Kind of think of it like a minefield, you know? It's like in every corner there's a different clique, waiting to blow you to pieces.
- Oh.
- There's, uh, the goths.
The theater geeks.
Defend yourself, scoundrel.
The nerds.
And, of course The jocks.
Who's the blonde? She's rather stunning, isn't she? a™ª a™ª - Oh, uh, Jenny? - Mm-hmm.
She's okay.
Uh, guys? I would like to introduce you to Claire.
Mi nombre es Miles.
Lovely to meet you.
I'm Claire.
- Uh-huh.
Bad move, newb.
Looks like somebody sat you in coach on accident, but, um, we got room at our table if you want to upgrade - Upgrade! - To first class.
Oh, well, actually, I'm fine right here, thanks.
"Actually, I'm fine right here, thanks.
I'm crocodile dundee!" Oh, see, you think I'm from Australia, but really, I'm from London.
Well, originally, from India, but Crikey! Ý got stabbed in the heart by a stingray! Also Australia.
So you gonna ditch the dorks or what? Or what? Well, I know it's only my first day, but, frankly, they seem a lot cooler than you two.
- Whatever.
- Whatever.
Have fun, dances with losers.
Close, but that's the wrong Indian.
And thanks, I shall.
Dude, you got across-the-street panini! It's like somebody just handed you your very own vagina-dispensing atm! Or my very own clunker.
What? My my dad, he told me that, you know, before I drive a Ferrari, he wants me to hump a clunker.
Your dad wants you to bang a car? No, no, no, no, no, he wants me to like, uh ho! Oh! Okay.
Are you ready to jazz yourself? Look at that.
Where do you come up with these things? I just really wanted to apologize for what happened earlier at lunch.
You know how boys can be.
That's very sweet of you, but I'm fine.
It didn't bother me in the least.
Well, let me say something that they should have.
Thank you.
You know who you should really bone down with? RJ Berger.
Oh, what a smashing idea! You take the shaft, I'll take the balls.
Oh! Ý hope he doesn't mind that we Indian girls have sideways vagi okay, chill, chill, chill, chill.
They're gonna think we're, like, perverts.
Want me to email you the clip after school? Yes, please.
All right, be cool.
Just a clunker.
Chemistry, huh? Bet your favorite element is indium.
Sorry? Sorry? Oh, right.
Can you keep a secret? Is that an issue of excaliboar? It's not just any issue of excaliboar.
It's the ultra-rare "return of sir loins-a-lot," written by Teeram Adonzi, drawn by Kristoph Linn! I camped out before the midnight release at Shaftesbury comics.
Camped out? You're an excaliboar fan? I'm not just a fan.
RJ, I dressed up as princess piggington for the last six halloweens.
- Shut up.
- You seem so surprised.
Um, only because i'm the biggest excaliboar geek ever.
Oh, really? Well, I had the excaliboar anthem as my ringtone ever since I got my first mobile phone.
a™ª his father was a knight a™ª a™ª his mother was a boar a™ª a™ª excaliboar a™ª Kinda my biggest hero.
Oh, wow.
RJ, that is fantastic.
Yeah? Thank you.
You're really good.
I've never shown that to anyone before, especially a girl.
Well, it's smashing.
And, besides, I'm not like most girls.
I'd rather have an Xbox than a jewelry box.
Listen, Mary poppins! I don't care who you are, or where you're from, or how much you smell like roses and chocolate, but RJ Berger is spoken for.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize.
Well, now you do.
I planted my flag in that boy in kindergarten, and the only place he is planting his flag is right here! So step! Wait a minute.
Is that one of those purity rings? Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
Oh, it is.
What the hell, Lily? I'm in the middle of a test.
Then maybe you can Guess who's little neighbor is a huge prude? Well, it's official.
I'm God's urinal cake.
A beautiful girl comes halfway around the world, moves in next door, isn't repulsed by me, and boom! She joins the purity club.
I mean, sorry, RJ, no snizzle for you! Dude, are you kidding? This is the best thing that's ever happened to you.
How so? Sweet, innocent RJ, must I be your teacher in all things? Everyone knows that purity girls are the hugest sluts in school.
Well, not everyone, teacher, since I have no freakin' idea what you're talking about.
Lend me you ear, friend, and let us get wood together.
You ever heard of a rainbow party? No.
Well, the purity kids invented them.
They're also called "everything butt" parties, because it's everything butt sex.
You know, like "butt sex"? Like "butt" with two ts.
I get it.
See, that's how they stay technically pure, by saving the baby hole for the lord.
So what goes down at these parties? Girls, RJ.
Girls do.
Apparently, there's a punch bowl filled with lipsticks, all the lors of the rainbow.
The goal is for each girl to leave her color on as many guys as possible.
When they're done Each girl's left her mark.
And by keeping the front door nailed shut, they've done it all with God's approval.
You are so full of it, Miles.
I may be, RJ.
I may be.
But it's on my list of life goals to confirm these things for myself.
It's right up there with killing a zombie and getting a tugger in space.
Hey, Claire.
How you feeling doing? Well.
Thanks, RJ.
Cool, cool.
That's uh That's a that's a really nice ring.
Has a Has a very, like, a slimming effect.
Right, well It seems I've joined the pinkerton purity club, and I hope you don't think that means I'm uptight or something.
No, no, I don't no, I don't think anything.
I just believe that there are things that you should cherish, you know? There are other ways to have fun.
Many other ways.
Many other ways.
Purity, it's It's really hard to explain, but it's about opening yourself up to new things and new ideas, at least that's what it was in the u.
Our meetings would've blown you away, RJ.
- Totally.
- They were just They were just so amazing, like so full of laughter and closeness and spunk So much spunk.
I can only suppose they'll be just cool as here.
I guess I'll see tomorrow at the initiation.
Wish you could come with me.
I would love to come With you.
That way you could really see us in action.
Yeah! Unfortunately, they're limited to purity club members only.
So, RJ, why do you want to join the purity club? I'm proud of you, dude.
Weaseling your way into the purity club? Pure genius.
I'm surprised you never tried it.
Oh, I did, but those vadge-nazis saw right through me.
I'd have to say my favorite part of the bible is the book of job.
It's "Jobe.
" Thou shall not use teeth.
So what'd you tell them that got you in? Honestly, I don't even remember.
I just talked about God, marriage, and Kirk Cameron.
They ate it up.
Just like they're gonna eat up that beautiful lipstick magnet.
Which reminds me, did you trim down there? - Obviously.
- Attaboy.
Can't risk a tangle.
Now, I wanted to wire you up with a web cam, but I didn't have any time.
So I was wondering if you wouldn't mind taking a few snapshots for your boy Miles.
And I'm not asking you to go in there paparazzi-style or anything.
Just a few choice pictures Boobs, bjs, butts.
Dude, seriously, come on.
How do I look? Like a guy who's about to unhinge a few jaws.
Yeah, dude, my dad was right.
Just, I gotta forget about Jenny Swanson.
I gotta hump a clunker and toss her in a ditch.
Not just one clunker, RJ.
You're about to hump a whole showroom floor full of them.
I have to say, I was kind of surprised when you joined, RJ.
I mean, this whole purity thing's not for everyone.
Well, I mean, I've been pure my whole life.
I guess I just never knew it was something to celebrate.
Oh, trust me, it is.
But I have to warn you, these parties can just be a little bit awkward at first, with everyone sort of feeling each other out.
But, hey, you were kind enough to lead me around school my first day, so I'd really like to return the favor.
You just stick with me inside.
I'll take good care of you.
Oh, great, you're here! a™ª I'm gonna lay down my burden a™ª a™ª down by the riverside a™ª a™ª down by the riverside a™ª a™ª down by the riverside a™ª - 1 Thessalonians 4, 7-8.
"For God did not call us to be impure, "but to live a holy life.
"Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man, but God.
" Mmm! Amen.
Damn it, Miles.
Sorry? I know it's boring, RJ, but don't worry.
The fun part's coming.
Which brings us to donation time.
Now, remember, it's your contributions that keep this club going and pay for these süper fun parties.
Thank you.
Praise Jesus.
Thank you.
How generous.
Thank you.
It's time to formally welcome a™ª I'm gonna tell everybody a™ª a™ª his day will come a™ª a™ª you're gonna feel his love a™ª a™ª gonna tell everyone a™ª a™ª he'll set you free a™ª our new members to the club.
a™ª The kingdom of Jesus a™ª a™ª has come a™ª a™ª oh, lord a™ª this isn't how we did it in england.
My dear Noah's ark, that's a lot of wood! It's one of God's miracles.
a™ª a™ª They were so amazing.
Like, so full of laughter and closeness and spunk.
You just stick with me inside.
I'll take good care of you.
I know it's boring, RJ, but don't worry.
The fun part's coming.
a™ª a™ª do you mind if I say grace first? - Claire! Claire, wait! - What do you want? YouYouYou said that you said the fun was - You left! - Of course I left, RJ! You said the fun was just starting! I meant confessions and games and listening to music! I meant making new friends, not reading bible verses and getting my arse violated! What the hell's the matter with you people? Claire! Claire! Claire! I'm not into that stuff.
Then why did you join? Because you did it to be near me.
Because you thought I was one of those lipstick floozies.
You're not mad? I mean, I suppose I should be a bit insulted, but it is rather sweet, isn't it? I mean, it's daft, yes, but it's sweet also.
A boy going though that much trouble to be near a girl he's already neighbors with.
But not as sweet as that same boy choosing to walk me home instead of to getting his balls drained by a half a dozen slags.
I mean, who needs that? a™ª And we'll fall a™ª a™ª into a hole called love a™ª a™ª a™ª a™ª and we'll fall a™ª well, then? Well, then.
a™ª And we'll fall into a™ª a™ª hello, my dear a™ª a™ª where do we go from here? A™ª a™ª well, I ask you again a™ª a™ª because it's really unclear a™ª a™ª and it's hard to wrap my finger round a™ª My name is RJ Berger, and I think I might like the clunker.