The Hard Times of RJ Berger (2010) s01e08 Episode Script

Nerds Gone Wild

Africa's that way Elephant.
What? No witty comeback? Why? He was talking about you, wasn't he? Big Wang equals elephant trunk.
That sort of thing.
That's how I read it.
I mean, I sort of read it as, like, a dig on your general fluffiness.
Hey Whatever helps you sleep at night, bro.
All I know is I am happy that this hellhole of a week is almost over.
Oh, TGI-Thursday, bro.
- Why? Our weekends are just like our weekdays.
Except lonelier.
We have no cool friends, no license, no fake I.
Hey! Patterson's having a party this weekend.
We can try and crash! Oh, that's a good idea.
Let's go hang out with the same assholes that beat us up all week.
Well In that case, RJ, it looks like another weekend of fingering that sweet, sweaty box.
Xbox! Are there even elephants in Africa? There are, actually.
Boys Uh, listen, RJ Your mommy and I are ducking out of town for a European couples weekend tomorrow morning, and we've arranged for a sitter for you.
- Uh, what? - That is bullshit.
I am 15! Honey, we know you're a responsible young man.
We would just feel more comfortable knowing you were being looked after.
Well, if you insist on finding a babysitter for sport here, I mean, I'd like to throw my hat in the ring.
Granted, I have zero experience, but I defy you to find a better bargain.
Not happening.
Oh, that's probably her right now.
- Mom, a babysitter? - Okay, seriously? I'm straight-up embarrassed, Suzanne.
I mean, what has he ever done to earn this lack of trust? Well, there was the time the two of you blew up the oven.
- Okay.
- And there was the time I found the cat in the lettuce crisper.
And I'm not gonna name names, but I still can't find my personal massager.
Miles? I thought I returned that.
We have a cat? a™ª a™ª RJ I would like you to meet your babysitter.
This is Jenni.
With an "I", like, I love babysitting.
My name is RJ Berger.
And I can't wait for the weekend.
Okay, boys, before we go I wanna go over a few ground rules.
- Dad, uh-huh.
I know the ground rules.
Right? Have a safe First, don't go in mommy and daddy's special room.
- Ý.
sex dungeon.
- Second, you can have a few friends over, but no parties.
Yeah, we'll see about that, right? And miles, please remember to break up those big poops of yours with the toilet brush.
You know, they clog the toilet, the next thing you know, the bathroom's flooded.
She she's kidding.
And okay, guys, we just got the carpet cleaned.
So if you do have friends over, please ask them to take off their shoes.
And you know we're okay with the birds and the bees, but let's take it easy with too many of these.
Glug, glug, glug.
Jenni, keep your eye on these two, okay? Will do, Mrs.
Thank you, thank you.
- Bye! - Bye.
Bye, RJ! Love you.
Well, see you inside, RJ.
Dude, your parents are outta town.
By law, you have to throw a rager.
Absolutely not, dude.
I've got a smokin' hot girl living in my house.
I think I'm gonna keep that to myself, thank you very much.
You selfish son of a bitch! You have a one in a mill a™ª a™ª dude Wait here while I chisel a statue of that with my boner.
a™ª a™ª you have a one in a million shot with her.
I'll take those odds.
And I'm not gonna lower them by inviting over a bunch of drunk douche bags to compete with me.
This discussion isn't even close to over.
Meet me at the bus stop in ten minutes.
You know what, RJ? High school is lame enough without having to take the bus.
Want a ride? Heh.
a™ª a™ª good thing I drove instead of you.
Why? Because you were looking at my boobs the whole way over.
Relax, I was just messing with you.
I don't mind.
Huh? What is wrong with this picture? Uh Thank you for the ride.
Uh, I'll see you All weekend long, RJ.
What's the deal, Berger? You got a hot stepmom you didn't tell me about? Actually, Max, she's a part-time pilates instructor who doesn't mind that I look at her boobs.
And we're living together.
What? - Oh.
- Have a good day.
Ah, I guess when I said "meet me at the bus stop in ten minutes," you took that more as an, "if you feel like it" thing.
Dude, I'm sorry.
Jenni gave me a ride to school.
Oh! That's great for you, man! Way to include a friend in on that.
- Miles.
- Hey, so I think I found a solution to our party issue, dude.
There's no issue because we're not having a party.
We're not having a party indeed.
Because what we're gonna have is a small, sophisticated cocktail soiree, all right? All class, strictly enforced no douche bag policy.
I'm talking those little French bread pizzas, and those tiny, not-so-absorbent napkins, bro.
Okay, that actually sounds pretty awesome.
It's the perfect way to show a certain smokin' hot babysitter that you're sophisticated college material.
Here's the only thing.
Every time I say yes to you, my life turns into a steaming heap of animal diarrhea.
So what did he say? Well, technically He didn't say no.
Better get that mustache waxed, Lily.
We're having us a party.
Big plans tonight? Looks like you're heading out to a rager.
Well, heck no.
No, no, I'm not into the whole high school scene keggers, and what have you.
No, no, I'm I guess I'm just a little bit more sophisticated than that.
You know, I prefer my Friday evenings to just, you know, make a mean cocktail.
Just let the stress of the week just melt into my loafers.
Well, okay then.
Well, okay then.
Dog fancy? You're into dog breeding? I'm into All kinds of breeding, Jenni.
Actually, I almost enjoy it as much as I enjoy the economy and empowered female talk show hosts.
Wow, you're passionate about so many things.
I guess you could say that.
I could also say that you're full of shit.
Look, you're cute, RJ.
But "a," I'm, like, ten years older than you, "b," I have a boyfriend, and "c," I'm your babysitter.
Now, if you're not going out tonight then why don't we just kick it and find a movie on TV or something? Does that sound sophisticated enough? Yes.
That that would be fine.
But I was serious about that cocktail.
Can I make you one? I'll take a rain check, thanks.
I'm not gonna, like, tell my mom or anything.
I know, it's just I tend to be a little much when I drink.
You know, let me know if you change your mind.
- Oh, and RJ? - Mm? You can probably lose the vest now.
Did you order pizza or something? No.
Who's ready to party? Damn it, miles! I said no party.
Really? 'Cause I could've sworn you said that actually sounded pretty awesome.
I think you know what I meant.
Come on.
I mean, just saying next time you might wanna be a little more clear.
a™ª Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang a™ª a™ª shoot them girls a™ª dude, give me one reason why I shouldn't throw you and your fat ass out in the street.
If you're concerned that this little gathering might negatively impact your chances with the babysitter Dude, I'm more concerned with my parents coming home and finding their house destroyed.
- RJ, these mouth-breathers won't give you any trouble.
I mean, half of them have never been to a party before.
The other half have curfews before 9:30.
So how'd he take it? He took it great! Right, RJ? a™ª And I'm a monster a™ª a™ª when I'm lifting up my boom box a™ª a™ª rock it from your new wave collar to your tube socks a™ª a™ª bounce like an umlaut a™ª a™ª get it, get it, girly-girl a™ª uh, let me guess.
A hippo having a seizure.
No, no, no, wait.
A hippo who found a bag of crystal meth.
Heh, criticize all you want, Lily.
Not gonna change the fact that you look like an ewok who hasn't slept for three weeks.
Heh, heh, heh.
I think he's the only one that knows this is a party.
Yeah, well, most of these kids are not used to being offline for this long.
RJ, this is pathetic.
Don't any of you guys know how to rage? Randy does.
That's, like, the fourth beer that dude's shotgunned tonight.
That's apple juice, RJ.
He's shotgunning apple juice.
- Yeah! - That was awesome.
That poor girl's been smelling her hair all night.
And the guy who's tonguing his asthma inhaler probably thinks that counts as a hookup.
Look, I shouldn't do this, but I can't watch you waste a perfectly good night with your parents outta town.
Whoa, whoa, doesn't this break your sacred babysitting oath or something? No one's driving tonight.
And I seriously doubt anyone here is gonna get too crazy.
a™ª You can feel it when the groove stops a™ª a™ª listen to the boom box a™ª a™ª boom, boom, boom box a™ª a™ª boom, boom, boom box a™ª a™ª Unplug it if it's too hot a™ª a™ª listen to the boom box a™ª Damn.
- A™ª Boom, boom, boom, box a™ª - That is pretty good.
Here, you try.
a™ª Boom, boom, boom, box a™ª a™ª I've got my boom box a™ª a™ª Hey a™ª - A™ª I've got my lollipop a™ª - A™ª Hey a™ª - A™ª I've got my favorite tape a™ª - A™ª Uh-huh a™ª a™ª I got my a.
a™ª pretty good.
You keep working on that, and I'll dispense the rest of this to the dork brigade.
a™ª Can you hear my boom, boom box a™ª a™ª all the way down the block a™ª a™ª I wanna see some booty shake a™ª a™ª bass pumpin', goodness sake a™ª a™ª Come on, come on, get on the floor a™ª a™ª a™ª - Whoo-oo-hoo! Great.
Look, you're taking salsa lessons.
Check it out, Cynthia.
This is what I wanna do to you.
Hey, check it out, Meredith.
This is what I wanna do to you.
Ugh! Ooh! Uh, it's really heating up out there.
What is it about girls named Jenni? Oh, boy.
That's gotta tear up your insides, huh? Just knowing that you'll never have one tenth of one percent of that hotness.
You know what I'll bet tears up your insides, miles? The 50 pounds of fast food you shove in your fat, ugly face every week.
Hey, babe It takes a lot of processed meat to look this sweet.
RJ Do you think I'm pretty? Yes, I think you're pretty.
Would you tell me that I needed to go to the gym more? Are you serious? You're you're you're perfect.
You're so not like those frat guys.
You knowYou know what was so cute? When you were acting all sophisticated.
I knew what you wanted.
You did? Just like I knew when you stared at my boobs in the car.
You wanted an itsy bitsy feel.
I told you I get this way when I drink.
You know what I wish, RJ? I wish we were alone right now.
Everybody out! Dude, what the hell? This party's just heating up.
Yeah, and so are things between me and Jenni.
It's on, dude.
Really? Bro, can I watch? You know, hide in the closet, peek through the crack? I swear I will spank in total silence.
You won't even know I'm there.
Come on, man! Out, miles.
What's this? Patterson's party got broken up by the cops.
Heard this was going on.
So Step aside, ass wipes.
We're taking over.
Forget it, RJ.
There's nothing you can do now.
It's a tire fire.
Get good and drunk and watch it burn.
Don't talk to me, miles.
I mean, look at that.
Those jocks are practically circle jerking on Jenni.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That is my babysitter.
Uh, hello? Oh, hi.
Tonight? Okay, see ya.
Peace in the middle East.
Who was that? Your boyfriend? - No, it was your mom.
- Oh.
I mean RJ's mom.
Or dad.
I'm not sure.
Wait, my mom called? She wh-wh-what did she say? She didn't hear the party, right? I don't know.
Your mom got the German stomach flu or something, so they're flying back early.
- W-w-wait.
You're RJ's babysitter? Oh! Oh, my God! This is priceless! Wait, Jenni, Jenni, Jenni! How how early are they coming back? Like 30 minutes early.
Or wait, in 30 minutes.
Everybody, listen up! Everyone get the shit out of my house now.
Thank you for coming.
Good seeing you.
Nice outfit.
Which dumpster did you get that out of? Oh, the same one you got your breakfast in.
All right, listen up.
We have 28 minutes to put this place back together.
You two take the bedrooms.
Come on, Lily.
We got some work to do.
It's time to use that extra testosterone of yours.
Shut up, fat ass.
At least I don't break a sweat opening a bag of chips.
Oh, and that dumpster I get my clothes out of is the same one your mom tried to leave you in Jenni? - After you were born.
- Jenni? Great.
Well, the reason you don't sweat is because canines lack sweat glands.
Listen, you big tub of failure, I'm tired of taking abuse from the guy that looks like the drag queen contestant on biggest loser.
Yeah? Well, I'd rather look like a drag queen than some kind of half Bettie page, half woodchuck nightmare! - Ý hate you! - Not as much as I hate you! Five minutes to spare, not too shabby.
I think I passed out for a few hours.
It's been about - What time is it? - Oh.
It's time for you to go to bed.
I'll help you up the stairs.
Hmm? RJ Remember when I said I wished you and me were alone? Jenni.
Jenni, Jenni, I don't think this is ah.
RJ, do me now.
Or do me never.
Oh! Ugh! Aah! Hmm? RJ? Ugh.
Well, good night.
a™ª Süper all right, süper okay a™ª my name is RJ Berger.
And I can't wait for Monday.
Next on the hard times of RJ Berger I'd hate to see your good reputation flushed down the toilet.
Like a snaky turd.
Did you just pop drugs in my freaking office? Detention? Yo, this is that kid who threw that wild party where all them people died.
Don't let these glasses or these tiny arms fool you.
This cat is crazy.
Come on, homie.
Ride with me.
I feel like scarface! Move that piece of shit.
Let's just go the other way, baby.