The Hard Times of RJ Berger (2010) s01e12 Episode Script
The Right Thing
Previously on The Hard Times of RJ Berger All people can do is talk about this stupid formal.
You got your 99 slaps yet? All you got to do is ask enough girls.
You're bound to find one that'll say yes.
I was thinking about going with the one girl who's been lusting after my dong the whole time.
Don't do it! You've made me the happiest girl.
Go with me to the winter formal.
There's something I need to talk to you about.
Well, at least you finally [the temper trap's soldier on.]
[Siren wails.]
- What happened? - I don't know.
[Indistinct police radio chatter.]
All right, move it back.
One wants to know all that is gold is rusting I told them to fix the brakes, man, but they wouldn't listen.
There just ain't no telling if she's gonna make it, but we're all gonna be praying for her.
And how far we've gone how far we're going I took her for granted, coach.
I was gonna break her heart.
Hey, you You hang in there, Berger.
She gonna be all right.
She's a tough girl.
They're gonna fix her up real good.
We're talking about the bus, right? [Laughs.]
Now, see, that was a joke.
That was to break the tension and lighten up I'm sorry, man.
That was messed up.
I thought it was funny.
[Siren wails.]
Soldier on soldier on keep your heart [Monitor beeping.]
Close to the ground These things can go either way.
There's nothing we can do but wait and hope for the best.
It's up to Lily now.
Don't think about it at all just keep your head low My name is RJ Berger, and this is all my fault.
Dude, you got to quit doing this to yourself.
You're, um you're dressed already? What time is it? It's time for you to go home, take a shower, get in your tux, and forget about this for a while, man.
You've been here for almost 24 hours, RJ.
There's nothing you can do Miles, I promised her we'd be together tonight.
We were supposed to go to the formal together.
We were supposed to lose our virginity together.
Yeah, but you're forgetting you're double-booked with Jenny Swanson.
Okay, look.
Look at this.
Don't you think God's trying to send you a message? Knock, knock.
Who's there? Nobody.
[door opens.]
Hello, Miles.
Hey hey, Mrs.
Miran.
Uh Y-you know, I'm I'm gonna go see if there's any vending machines in the hallway.
I take it you're not going with Miles tonight.
No, I, uh I was supposed to be with Lily.
That girl certainly is crazy about you, RJ.
She's been crazy about you since you were little kids.
Since you were "Richie Berger.
" Remember that? [laughing.]
Oh, my God, she was so excited to be your date for the formal.
You can only imagine.
I don't think the sewing machine stopped once all week.
But, RJ, all the worry in the world isn't gonna bring her around any faster.
You know how stubborn she is, how persistent.
Once she has her mind fixed on something, well, look out.
You're telling me.
Right now all we can do is hope that her mind is fixed on getting well and coming back to us.
Go, RJ.
Go.
Have a good night for the both of you.
I'm gonna nibble on your pepperonis, baby Whoo, yeah, your tender, little pepperonis Oh, my darling, precious boy, look at you! Okay, pictures! Picture time! Here we go.
And a one, and a two, and a I love you! [Gasps.]
Oh, you boys look good enough to eat.
Funny you should say that, Mrs.
b, 'cause I'm wearing edible underwear.
Miles, if you're man enough, all underwear is edible.
[Horn blaring tune.]
Miles, what is that monstrosity? That, my friend, is called "taking advantage of someone's guilt.
" Is that Just a minute, Roger! He feels horrible about, uh, you know, running Lily over.
He asked me if there was anything he could do for us, so So you asked Mr.
vehicular manslaughter to be our limo driver.
Dude, all I know is he got me a killer rate.
Well, you're both guaranteed at least one giant hummer tonight.
Dude, Robin Pretnar and Jenny Swanson deserve to ride in style, man.
Listen, anything you ass napkins need tonight, you just say the word, and Roger will hook it up.
I'm talking booze, rubbers, floozies.
How about you hook us up with some watching the road, Roger? You got it.
[Partition whirring.]
[Sighs.]
Well, RJ, the moment of truth.
This is Jenny's neighborhood.
Looks like you're up first.
Well, I admit I get distracted sometimes [knocking rhythmically.]
Now, look, pal, I'm a man of the world.
I remember high school.
But so help me Christ, if you [laughing.]
Sorry.
This is the Swanson house.
Keep dreaming.
Dad! That's RJ! Oh.
Oh.
Nice to meet you.
[Dreamy acoustic guitar music.]
Oh, you look beautiful, sweetheart.
That's my girl.
[chuckles.]
Hi, RJ.
Um, is that corsage for me? Oh.
[laughs awkwardly.]
Yeah.
Thanks.
Bye.
Bye.
Well, he seems like a Nice boy.
Oh, yeah.
He's perfect.
[Rock music on stereo.]
You look Incredible.
You look pretty handsome yourself.
Listen, RJ, I know you have a lot on your mind right now with Lily You know what? Let's, um Let's let's just have a good time tonight.
[Chuckles.]
Deal? Deal.
Dude, this is her neighborhood.
Okay, now I'm starting to freak.
Why? I don't know.
I just got hit by the magnitude of it all, you know? Everything's led me to this moment, you know, my whole life.
[Echoing.]
Every disappointment [Baby Miles crying.]
Well, we're pretty sure it's a boy.
Growing up poor Oh, daddy, I love him! What's his name? [Dog barks.]
His name's dinner.
[dog whines.]
My mom dying Lay this poor, wretched soul to eternal rest.
All right, who wants ice cream? My brother going crazy [Cat yowling.]
[Laughing sinisterly.]
[Hinges creak.]
My cat committing suicide But now none of that matters, because in a few minutes, I'm gonna have the prettiest girl in Pinkerton High on my arm.
[Partition whirring.]
We're here, ass napkins.
[Exhales deeply.]
What are we doing at Robin's? What do you mean? She's his date.
Seriously? I'm here to pick up Robin.
I'm here to pick up Robin.
What do you want? - I'm hear to pick up - Robin! Limo's here! Okay! [Dreamy rock music.]
What the hell are you doing here? I'm your date.
[Laughs.]
Oh, my God! I was being sarcastic! [Laughing.]
Pauline! Get in here! Ugh! - Some fat-ass thought he was taking Robin to a formal! Look at this kid.
Get his face.
This is too freakin' funny! I'm putting this on the internets! [Both laughing.]
Take care, fat-ass! [Haunting music.]
What the hell are you doing here? Funny, I was just about to ask you the same thing.
Who the hell was I kidding? I'm a born loser, RJ A fat, ugly loser with acne all over his Miles, Miles, come on, don't get dark on me tonight.
Come on, dude, I'm begging you.
I know how you feel, Miles.
[Scoffs.]
The hell you do.
You don't know Jack piss, princess! For you, this is nothing but one itsy-bitsy bad night that'll probably end up being awesome.
Meanwhile, the rest of your perfect little life's gonna be all roses and personal trainers, so don't you tell me you know how I feel! [The downtown fiction's where dreams go to die.]
[Crying.]
I just never thought that Max would or Robin would Would what? Would rip out your heart and take a big old dump on it? [Scoffs.]
Welcome to the real world, beauty queen.
Here's your tiara.
[Breaks wind.]
High school's the place where dreams go to die [hip-hop music.]
You want to slow down there, buddy? Why? These sorrows aren't gonna drown themselves, RJ.
I'm going Cobain-style tonight.
Oh, no.
Hey I prise to forget about everything that's happened and have a good time If you do.
Okay? Best winter formal ever? [Chuckles.]
Best winter formal ever.
[Belches.]
Hey, Kurt Cobain drank himself to death, right? Blew his head off.
[Scoffs.]
Pussy.
So do you normally just, um, stand around for the whole dance or? No.
I mean, you know, sometimes, you know, I'll mix it up, get some punch.
[Mike Snow's Silvia playing.]
Oh, my God, I love this song.
Come on, we have to dance.
Wait, I don't I don't - No, no, no, we're dancing.
- All right.
Reach the city steps tonight following the power lines Uh, what song is this? Um, I have no idea.
[Laughs.]
I thought you said it was your favorite.
I just said that to get you to dae.
[Giggles.]
With eclipses for eyes and you tell yourself Hey We're having fun, right? Best winter formal ever.
Did I say enough? I don't know Silvia I don't know Silvia Best formal ever.
[Feedback screeches.]
Hello, Wankerton High School! Whoo! Oh, yeah! Oh, [bleep.]
.
I want to say something to Robin Veronica Pretnar.
I know you're out there somewhere, and this is gonna break your cold-ass heart, 'cause I'm gonna tell you something that I've got that Max Owens will never have.
What, diabetes? Food stamps? It's called integrity, girl.
It's called integrity! And, you know, I want to give a shout-out to Lily Miran, my buddy RJ.
RJ! All right, you had your fun.
Give me that.
Hold on, Gary Coleman.
[laughter.]
My buddy RJ was gonna bring take her to this bull[bleep.]
, but she got hit by a bus.
But, hey, don't cry for her, because it worked out great.
He got to bring Are you ready? Jenny Swanson! Which is, like, a huge upgrade.
Yo, this is for you, Lily! - All right, you had enough.
- And I hope - Give me that! - No! - Give me that! - No! - Give me this! - No! I'm taller! I get the mic! Give me the mic! Give me the mic, you fat bastard! [Feedback screeches.]
It still hurts to let go but every day I do I'm lookin' for some hope this cloud will pass through I'm pressing rewind I'm searchin' for when we have blue skies but it's startin' to rain again RJ? [Sniffles.]
Hey.
Best, uh, winter formal ever, huh? Um It's not, um I just started feeling really guilty, that's all.
Do you want to know why I like you, RJ What makes you different from all those other guys? It's this.
Jenny.
This isn't right.
It's okay, Max is No, I'm sorry.
I just feel Like I shouldn't be doing this when she's alone.
You have No idea how long I've been waiting to do that.
And most guys would kill to You're not most guys, RJ Berger.
Go be with her.
Everybody get loose 'cause you're free to party everybody get loose 'cause you're free to party everybody get loose 'cause you're free to party get loose into the night like it's You trying to put the pound game on my girl, you little bitch? Your You're here with Robin Pretnar, you hypocritical piece of shit! What the hell did you just say to me? You don't talk to me like that! [Music stops.]
Max, you can go ahead and try and kick my ass, buddy, but I'm promising you one thing When the dust settles, so help me, I will have your balls tonight.
I don't care if I have to kick them until my foot breaks.
I don't care if I have to pop them between my teeth.
I don't care if it kills me.
With these people and God as my witness, I am taking your balls tonight! So bring it! I'll take my chances, you little [groans.]
[loud thud.]
Leave my boy alone, you asshole douche bag! Aah! Aah! [punches smacking.]
Get out of here, dude! This is all just luck and cheap shots! Get off me! That's my prize bull! [Max groaning.]
Get off of him! [Coughing.]
Get off of him! [Monitor beeping.]
I am so sorry, Lily.
It should have been me and you tonight.
Sorry I ruined your night.
[Laughs.]
No.
No, mm-mm.
[sniffles.]
You didn't ruin anything.
It was just RJ It can still be special.
Remember our promise? [The Queen Killing Kings' Like Lions.]
something's bound to happen I can hear it in the whispers of the night warn the others madness finds us drifting in the calm of tidal eyes I'm so-oh-oh-oh scared we've been found [wheels squeaking.]
[thumping.]
[Monitor beeping faster.]
[Beeping slows.]
Thank you.
[monitor beeping.]
[Flatline.]
My name is RJ Berger And I just did the right thing.
You got your 99 slaps yet? All you got to do is ask enough girls.
You're bound to find one that'll say yes.
I was thinking about going with the one girl who's been lusting after my dong the whole time.
Don't do it! You've made me the happiest girl.
Go with me to the winter formal.
There's something I need to talk to you about.
Well, at least you finally [the temper trap's soldier on.]
[Siren wails.]
- What happened? - I don't know.
[Indistinct police radio chatter.]
All right, move it back.
One wants to know all that is gold is rusting I told them to fix the brakes, man, but they wouldn't listen.
There just ain't no telling if she's gonna make it, but we're all gonna be praying for her.
And how far we've gone how far we're going I took her for granted, coach.
I was gonna break her heart.
Hey, you You hang in there, Berger.
She gonna be all right.
She's a tough girl.
They're gonna fix her up real good.
We're talking about the bus, right? [Laughs.]
Now, see, that was a joke.
That was to break the tension and lighten up I'm sorry, man.
That was messed up.
I thought it was funny.
[Siren wails.]
Soldier on soldier on keep your heart [Monitor beeping.]
Close to the ground These things can go either way.
There's nothing we can do but wait and hope for the best.
It's up to Lily now.
Don't think about it at all just keep your head low My name is RJ Berger, and this is all my fault.
Dude, you got to quit doing this to yourself.
You're, um you're dressed already? What time is it? It's time for you to go home, take a shower, get in your tux, and forget about this for a while, man.
You've been here for almost 24 hours, RJ.
There's nothing you can do Miles, I promised her we'd be together tonight.
We were supposed to go to the formal together.
We were supposed to lose our virginity together.
Yeah, but you're forgetting you're double-booked with Jenny Swanson.
Okay, look.
Look at this.
Don't you think God's trying to send you a message? Knock, knock.
Who's there? Nobody.
[door opens.]
Hello, Miles.
Hey hey, Mrs.
Miran.
Uh Y-you know, I'm I'm gonna go see if there's any vending machines in the hallway.
I take it you're not going with Miles tonight.
No, I, uh I was supposed to be with Lily.
That girl certainly is crazy about you, RJ.
She's been crazy about you since you were little kids.
Since you were "Richie Berger.
" Remember that? [laughing.]
Oh, my God, she was so excited to be your date for the formal.
You can only imagine.
I don't think the sewing machine stopped once all week.
But, RJ, all the worry in the world isn't gonna bring her around any faster.
You know how stubborn she is, how persistent.
Once she has her mind fixed on something, well, look out.
You're telling me.
Right now all we can do is hope that her mind is fixed on getting well and coming back to us.
Go, RJ.
Go.
Have a good night for the both of you.
I'm gonna nibble on your pepperonis, baby Whoo, yeah, your tender, little pepperonis Oh, my darling, precious boy, look at you! Okay, pictures! Picture time! Here we go.
And a one, and a two, and a I love you! [Gasps.]
Oh, you boys look good enough to eat.
Funny you should say that, Mrs.
b, 'cause I'm wearing edible underwear.
Miles, if you're man enough, all underwear is edible.
[Horn blaring tune.]
Miles, what is that monstrosity? That, my friend, is called "taking advantage of someone's guilt.
" Is that Just a minute, Roger! He feels horrible about, uh, you know, running Lily over.
He asked me if there was anything he could do for us, so So you asked Mr.
vehicular manslaughter to be our limo driver.
Dude, all I know is he got me a killer rate.
Well, you're both guaranteed at least one giant hummer tonight.
Dude, Robin Pretnar and Jenny Swanson deserve to ride in style, man.
Listen, anything you ass napkins need tonight, you just say the word, and Roger will hook it up.
I'm talking booze, rubbers, floozies.
How about you hook us up with some watching the road, Roger? You got it.
[Partition whirring.]
[Sighs.]
Well, RJ, the moment of truth.
This is Jenny's neighborhood.
Looks like you're up first.
Well, I admit I get distracted sometimes [knocking rhythmically.]
Now, look, pal, I'm a man of the world.
I remember high school.
But so help me Christ, if you [laughing.]
Sorry.
This is the Swanson house.
Keep dreaming.
Dad! That's RJ! Oh.
Oh.
Nice to meet you.
[Dreamy acoustic guitar music.]
Oh, you look beautiful, sweetheart.
That's my girl.
[chuckles.]
Hi, RJ.
Um, is that corsage for me? Oh.
[laughs awkwardly.]
Yeah.
Thanks.
Bye.
Bye.
Well, he seems like a Nice boy.
Oh, yeah.
He's perfect.
[Rock music on stereo.]
You look Incredible.
You look pretty handsome yourself.
Listen, RJ, I know you have a lot on your mind right now with Lily You know what? Let's, um Let's let's just have a good time tonight.
[Chuckles.]
Deal? Deal.
Dude, this is her neighborhood.
Okay, now I'm starting to freak.
Why? I don't know.
I just got hit by the magnitude of it all, you know? Everything's led me to this moment, you know, my whole life.
[Echoing.]
Every disappointment [Baby Miles crying.]
Well, we're pretty sure it's a boy.
Growing up poor Oh, daddy, I love him! What's his name? [Dog barks.]
His name's dinner.
[dog whines.]
My mom dying Lay this poor, wretched soul to eternal rest.
All right, who wants ice cream? My brother going crazy [Cat yowling.]
[Laughing sinisterly.]
[Hinges creak.]
My cat committing suicide But now none of that matters, because in a few minutes, I'm gonna have the prettiest girl in Pinkerton High on my arm.
[Partition whirring.]
We're here, ass napkins.
[Exhales deeply.]
What are we doing at Robin's? What do you mean? She's his date.
Seriously? I'm here to pick up Robin.
I'm here to pick up Robin.
What do you want? - I'm hear to pick up - Robin! Limo's here! Okay! [Dreamy rock music.]
What the hell are you doing here? I'm your date.
[Laughs.]
Oh, my God! I was being sarcastic! [Laughing.]
Pauline! Get in here! Ugh! - Some fat-ass thought he was taking Robin to a formal! Look at this kid.
Get his face.
This is too freakin' funny! I'm putting this on the internets! [Both laughing.]
Take care, fat-ass! [Haunting music.]
What the hell are you doing here? Funny, I was just about to ask you the same thing.
Who the hell was I kidding? I'm a born loser, RJ A fat, ugly loser with acne all over his Miles, Miles, come on, don't get dark on me tonight.
Come on, dude, I'm begging you.
I know how you feel, Miles.
[Scoffs.]
The hell you do.
You don't know Jack piss, princess! For you, this is nothing but one itsy-bitsy bad night that'll probably end up being awesome.
Meanwhile, the rest of your perfect little life's gonna be all roses and personal trainers, so don't you tell me you know how I feel! [The downtown fiction's where dreams go to die.]
[Crying.]
I just never thought that Max would or Robin would Would what? Would rip out your heart and take a big old dump on it? [Scoffs.]
Welcome to the real world, beauty queen.
Here's your tiara.
[Breaks wind.]
High school's the place where dreams go to die [hip-hop music.]
You want to slow down there, buddy? Why? These sorrows aren't gonna drown themselves, RJ.
I'm going Cobain-style tonight.
Oh, no.
Hey I prise to forget about everything that's happened and have a good time If you do.
Okay? Best winter formal ever? [Chuckles.]
Best winter formal ever.
[Belches.]
Hey, Kurt Cobain drank himself to death, right? Blew his head off.
[Scoffs.]
Pussy.
So do you normally just, um, stand around for the whole dance or? No.
I mean, you know, sometimes, you know, I'll mix it up, get some punch.
[Mike Snow's Silvia playing.]
Oh, my God, I love this song.
Come on, we have to dance.
Wait, I don't I don't - No, no, no, we're dancing.
- All right.
Reach the city steps tonight following the power lines Uh, what song is this? Um, I have no idea.
[Laughs.]
I thought you said it was your favorite.
I just said that to get you to dae.
[Giggles.]
With eclipses for eyes and you tell yourself Hey We're having fun, right? Best winter formal ever.
Did I say enough? I don't know Silvia I don't know Silvia Best formal ever.
[Feedback screeches.]
Hello, Wankerton High School! Whoo! Oh, yeah! Oh, [bleep.]
.
I want to say something to Robin Veronica Pretnar.
I know you're out there somewhere, and this is gonna break your cold-ass heart, 'cause I'm gonna tell you something that I've got that Max Owens will never have.
What, diabetes? Food stamps? It's called integrity, girl.
It's called integrity! And, you know, I want to give a shout-out to Lily Miran, my buddy RJ.
RJ! All right, you had your fun.
Give me that.
Hold on, Gary Coleman.
[laughter.]
My buddy RJ was gonna bring take her to this bull[bleep.]
, but she got hit by a bus.
But, hey, don't cry for her, because it worked out great.
He got to bring Are you ready? Jenny Swanson! Which is, like, a huge upgrade.
Yo, this is for you, Lily! - All right, you had enough.
- And I hope - Give me that! - No! - Give me that! - No! - Give me this! - No! I'm taller! I get the mic! Give me the mic! Give me the mic, you fat bastard! [Feedback screeches.]
It still hurts to let go but every day I do I'm lookin' for some hope this cloud will pass through I'm pressing rewind I'm searchin' for when we have blue skies but it's startin' to rain again RJ? [Sniffles.]
Hey.
Best, uh, winter formal ever, huh? Um It's not, um I just started feeling really guilty, that's all.
Do you want to know why I like you, RJ What makes you different from all those other guys? It's this.
Jenny.
This isn't right.
It's okay, Max is No, I'm sorry.
I just feel Like I shouldn't be doing this when she's alone.
You have No idea how long I've been waiting to do that.
And most guys would kill to You're not most guys, RJ Berger.
Go be with her.
Everybody get loose 'cause you're free to party everybody get loose 'cause you're free to party everybody get loose 'cause you're free to party get loose into the night like it's You trying to put the pound game on my girl, you little bitch? Your You're here with Robin Pretnar, you hypocritical piece of shit! What the hell did you just say to me? You don't talk to me like that! [Music stops.]
Max, you can go ahead and try and kick my ass, buddy, but I'm promising you one thing When the dust settles, so help me, I will have your balls tonight.
I don't care if I have to kick them until my foot breaks.
I don't care if I have to pop them between my teeth.
I don't care if it kills me.
With these people and God as my witness, I am taking your balls tonight! So bring it! I'll take my chances, you little [groans.]
[loud thud.]
Leave my boy alone, you asshole douche bag! Aah! Aah! [punches smacking.]
Get out of here, dude! This is all just luck and cheap shots! Get off me! That's my prize bull! [Max groaning.]
Get off of him! [Coughing.]
Get off of him! [Monitor beeping.]
I am so sorry, Lily.
It should have been me and you tonight.
Sorry I ruined your night.
[Laughs.]
No.
No, mm-mm.
[sniffles.]
You didn't ruin anything.
It was just RJ It can still be special.
Remember our promise? [The Queen Killing Kings' Like Lions.]
something's bound to happen I can hear it in the whispers of the night warn the others madness finds us drifting in the calm of tidal eyes I'm so-oh-oh-oh scared we've been found [wheels squeaking.]
[thumping.]
[Monitor beeping faster.]
[Beeping slows.]
Thank you.
[monitor beeping.]
[Flatline.]
My name is RJ Berger And I just did the right thing.