The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy s01e05 Episode Script

'The story so far.
'In the beginning, the Universe was created.
'This has made a lot of people very angry 'and been widely regarded as a bad move.
'Many races believe that it was created by some sort of god, 'though the Jatravartid people 'of Viltvodle VI firmly believe that the entire Universe 'was, in fact, sneezed out of the nose 'of a being called the Great Green Arkleseizure.
'The Jatravartids, who live in perpetual fear 'of the time they call The Coming of the Great White Handkerchief, 'are small blue creatures with more than 50 arms each, 'who are therefore unique 'in being the only race in history 'to have invented the aerosol deodorant before the wheel.
'However, the Great Green Arkleseizure theory 'was not widely accepted 'outside Viltvodle VI, 'and so one day, a race of hyperintelligent 'pan-dimensional beings 'built themselves a gigantic super-computer called Deep Thought 'to calculate, once and for all, 'the answer to the ultimate question of Life, the Universe 'and Everything.
'For seven and a half million years, 'Deep Thought computed and eventually announced 'that the answer was, in fact, 42, 'and so another even bigger computer had to be built 'to find out what the actual question was.
'And this computer, which was called the Earth, 'was so large that it was frequently mistaken for a planet, 'particularly by the strange, ape-like beings 'who roamed its surface 'totally unaware that they were simply part 'of a gigantic computer program.
'This is very odd, because without that obvious piece of knowledge, 'nothing that happened on Earth 'could possibly make the slightest bit of sense.
'However, at the critical moment of read-out, 'the Earth was unexpectedly demolished 'to make way for a new hyperspace by-pass, 'and the only native Earth people who survived the demolition 'are now being shot at 'behind a computer bank 'on the lost planet of Magrathea, 'along with their strange companions from Betelgeuse, 'who are currently singing a Betelgeuse death anthem 'on the very sensible grounds that they are about to die.
'This is what the computer bank is about to do.
'And the time at which it is going to do it 'is 4.
2 seconds from now.
' Good evening, madam, gentlemen.
Do you have a reservation? - Reservation? - Yes, sir.
Do you need a reservation for the afterlife? The afterlife? Is this the afterlife? Yeah.
I mean, yeah! I mean, yeah There's no way we could have survived that blast in there.
- No.
- None at all.
I certainly didn't survive.
I was a total goner! Wham! Bam! And that was it! Yeah, we didn't stand a chance.
We were blown to bits - arms and legs everywhere! Yeah! Kerpow! Splat! Would you care to order drinks? Instantaneously zonked into component molecules! Hey, Ford, did you get that thing of your whole life flashing before you? Yeah! Did you get that, too? - Oh! Your whole life! - Yeah! At least, I assume it was mine.
I spent a lot of time out of my skulls.
- So - So what? - Here we are, lying dead - Standing.
- Standing dead in this desolate - Restaurant.
- Standing dead in this desolate - Five-star restaurant.
Well, yeah.
Odd, isn't it? Nice decor, though.
You know, it's not so much an afterlife, more sort of aprés vie.
Hey, you dead guys! We're missing some ultra important thing here - something somebody said and we missed it! - I said it was more aprés vie.
- Don't you wish you hadn't? Ford? - I said it was odd.
- Shrewd but dull .
Trillian? Er um pass.
Would you care to discuss the matter over drinks? Drinks! That was it! You see what you miss if you don't stay alert? If the lady and gentlemen would like to order drinks before dinner Yeah, great! and the Universe will explode later for your pleasure.
Wow! What sort of drinks do you serve in this place? I think sir has misunderstood me.
I hope not! It is not unusual for customers to be disorientated by the time journey.
- Time journey? - What time journey? You mean this isn't the afterlife? Afterlife? No, sir.
Then we're not dead? Aha! Sir is most evidently alive, otherwise I would not attempt to serve, sir! Ha, ha.
Then where the photon are we? Hey, I've sussed it! This must be Milliways! Milliways! Yes, this is Milliways.
Milliways? The Restaurant at the End of the Universe! - End of what? - The Universe.
- When did that end? - In just a few minutes, sir.
Now, if you will order drinks, I will show you to your table in the main part of the restaurant.
I suppose there's no chance of a cup of tea? None.
'The Restaurant at the End of the Universe 'is one of the most extraordinary ventures 'in the entire history of catering.
'A vast time bubble has been projected into the far future 'to the precise moment of the End of the Universe.
'You can arrive without prior reservation, 'because you can book retrospectively 'in advance, as it were, 'when you return to your own time.
'You can visit it as many times as you like 'and be sure of never meeting yourself 'because of the embarrassment this usually causes.
'You just deposit one penny in a savings account in your own era, 'and when you arrive at the End of Time, 'the operation of compound interest 'means that the fabulous cost of your meal has been paid for.
' which is why the advertising executives 'of the star system of Bastablon came up with this slogan: This way, please.
Wowee! Zappo! Incredible! The people the things! The things are also people.
The people? The also people? The lights! The food! The clothes! The clothes?! Yeah, the clothes! The End of the Universe is very popular.
People dress up for it.
Gives it a sense of occasion.
Hey, everybody's here.
You know - everybody who was anybody! Hi, guys! How did you do? Hi! Hey, Zaphod! There's an old mate of mine.
Look, see! It's Hotblack Desiato! See the big guy in the platinum suit? Oh, yeah.
Wow! Did he ever make it megabig.
Bigger than the biggest thing ever - other than me.
- Who is he? - Hotblack Desiato? You never heard of Disaster Area? - No.
- The biggest, loudest - Richest - Rock band in the history of - History itself! - Yeah! No.
We're at the End of the Universe and you haven't even lived yet! Hey, did you miss out! Hey, waiter, bring me volume three of the wine list.
Hey, Hotblack! How you doing? Great to see you, big boy! How's the noise? You are looking great! Really very, very fat and unwell.
Amazing! Remember the old days? Wow! We used to hang out! The Bistro Illegal, remember? The Evildrome Boozarama? Slim's Throat Emporium? Great days, eh? When we were hungry, we'd pose as health inspectors and confiscate meals and drinks, and get food poisoning! And you were up all night trying to write songs, and we all hated them! You didn't care, but we did because we hated them so much.
You said you didn't want to be a star because you despised the star system, and we said we didn't think you had the option.
And what do you do now? You BUY star systems! Here is a guy who buys star systems! What's that number you do? That really huge one? How does it go? Er da da da something.
And in this stage act, it ends with the ship crashing right into the sun and you actually DO it! I mean, ship sun bang! I mean, forget lasers.
You guys are into solar flares and real sunburn, and terrible songs! Yeah! Let's have a drink! Yeah! Hotblack? Kid.
Beat it! Who are you? I'm the guy that's telling you to beat it, before it gets beaten for you.
Now, listen, I am one of Hotblack's oldest friends and I And I am Mr Desiato's bodyguard and I'm responsible for his body, and I am not responsible for yours, so take it away before it gets damaged! Now, wait a minute No minutes.
No waiting.
Mr Desiato speaks to no one.
Well, perhaps you'd better let him speak for himself.
He speaks to no one.
Oh, why? What's the matter with him? 'The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy notes that: Oh, hi, there, Ford.
Did you talk to your big-noise friend? Hot Hotblack? Yeah, I sort of spoke to him, yeah.
Well, what did he say? - Er not a lot.
He's, um - Yeah? Spending a year dead for tax reasons.
Oh, yeah? Neat! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Ladies and gentlemen, the Universe as we know it has been in existence for 170,000 million billion years, and will be ending in a little over ten minutes' time.
So, welcome one and all to Milliways, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe! I am your host for this evening, Max Quordlepleen, and I have come straight from the very, very other End of Time, where I've been hosting a show at the Big Bang Burger Bar, where we had a very exciting evening, ladies and gentlemen, and I will be with you right through this tremendous historic occasion - the end of history itself.
So now, ladies and gentlemen, take your places at the table.
The candles are lit, the band is playing, and as the force-shielded dome above us slides apart revealing a dark and sullen sky hung with the ancient light of livid, swollen stars, I can see we are in for a fabulous evening's apocalypse! Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, I'll be back again in a moment.
Would you all like to see the menu, or would you care to meet the dish of the day? - Meet? - What is it? It's an Amiglion Major cow.
I'll bring him over.
OK, we'll meet the meat.
That's cool! Beugh A-hem Good evening, madam and gentlemen, I am the main dish of the day.
May I interest you in parts of my body? Huh? Oh, well.
Something off my shoulder, perhaps? - Braised in a white wine sauce? - Your shoulder?! Well, naturally mine, sir.
Nobody else's is mine to offer! The rump is very good, sir.
I have been exercising and eating plenty of grain, so there's a lot of good meat there.
Or a casserole of me, perhaps? You mean this animal actually wants us to eat it? Me? I don't mean anything.
It's the most revolting thing - I've ever heard! - What's the problem? I don't want to eat an animal that's inviting me to! It's better than eating an animal that doesn't want to be eaten.
That's not the point.
Well, maybe it is the point.
I don't want to talk about it.
I'll have a green salad.
May I urge you, sir, to consider my liver? It must be very rich and tender by now.
I have been force-feeding myself for months.
Green salad, please.
A green salad! Is there any reason why I shouldn't have a green salad? I know many vegetables that are very clear on that point, sir, which is why it was decided to cut through the whole tangled problem by breeding an animal that actually wanted to be eaten and was capable of saying so clearly and distinctly.
And here I am! A glass of water? Listen, we want to eat! We don't want to make a meal of the issues.
- Four rare steaks, please.
- Very wise choice, sir.
I'll just nip off and shoot meself.
Oh, God! Don't worry, sir.
I'll be very humane.
What's eating you, Earthman? Hello, ladies and gentlemen! Is everybody having one last wonderful time? Good.
And now, as the photon storms gather in swirling clouds around us, preparing to tear apart the last of the red hot suns, I hope you will all enjoy with me what I know you will find a tremendously exciting and terminal experience.
Believe me, ladies and gentlemen, there is nothing penultimate about this one.
This one, ladies and gentlemen, is the proverbial IT! After this, there is void, emptiness, oblivion, absolute nothing.
Except of course for the sweet trolley and our fine selection of Aldebran liqueurs! And for once, ladies and gentlemen, there is no need to worry about having a hangover in the morning, for there will be no more mornings! And now, at the risk of putting a damper on this wonderful atmosphere of doom and futility, I'd like to welcome a few parties.
Now, do we have a party from the Zansellquasure Flamarion Bridge Club from beyond the Vortvoid of Qvarne? Last bids now, and no cheating! This is a very solemn moment! And a party of minor deities from the halls of Asgaard? And a party of young Conservatives from Sirius B? This is all your fault, of course! And lastly, a party of devout believers from the Church of the Second Coming of the Great Prophet Zarquon.
Still waiting for the second coming.
Well, fellas, let's hope he hurries.
He's got eight minutes left! But seriously, though, no offence meant.
I know one shouldn't make fun of deeply held beliefs, so I think a great big hand for the Great Prophet Zarquon wherever he's got to! It's marvellous to see so many of you here tonight.
No, isn't it, though? Because I know so many of you come time and time again to watch this final end of everything, and then return home to your own eras and raise families, strive for new and better societies, and fight terrible wars for what you know is right.
It gives one real hope for the whole future of lifekind except, of course, we know it hasn't got one! Excuse me, sir.
Who, me? - Mr Zaphod Beeblebrox? - Er, yeah.
There is a phone call for you, sir.
- Hey, what? - Here? Who knows where I am? Maybe the Galactic Police have traced you here.
So they can arrest me over the phone? Could be.
I'm a pretty dangerous dude when cornered.
Yeah, you go to pieces so fast, people get hit by the shrapnel! - Hey, what is this? Judgement Day? - Is it that as well? Terrific! Who's the cat on the phone? Pass the wine, Ford.
I am not personally acquainted with the metal gentleman, sir Metal? but am informed he has been awaiting your return for a considerable number of millennia.
You left here somewhat precipitately.
Left here? We've only just arrived! Indeed, sir, but before you arrived here, you left.
You're saying that before we arrived here, we left here? That is what I said, sir.
Put your analyst on danger money, baby! Wait.
Where exactly is here? The planet Magrathea, sir.
But we just left there.
We're at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, I thought! Precisely, sir.
The one was constructed on the ruins of the other.
Ah, I see! So you mean we've travelled in time but not in space? You semi-evolved simian! Go climb a tree! Go bang your heads together, four eyes! No, no.
Your monkey has got it right.
You jumped forward many millions of years in time whilst retaining the same position in space.
Your friend has been awaiting you in the meantime.
Marvin! It must be Marvin! The paranoid android! Space cookies! Hand me the rap rod plate, captain! I beg your pardon, sir? The phone, waiter! You guys are so unhip, it's a wonder your bums don't fall off! The phone, sir.
Hi, Marvin.
How are you doing? I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed.
Yeah? We're having a great time - wine, food, and the Universe going foom! Where are you, Marvin? You don't have to pretend to be interested in me, you know.
I know perfectly well I'm only a menial robot.
Yeah, but where are you? "Reverse primary thrust, Marvin," that's what they say to me.
"Open airlock number three, Marvin.
"Marvin, can you pick up that piece of paper?" Here I am, brain the size of a planet, picking up a piece of paper! Yeah.
Marvin But I'm quite used to being humiliated.
I can even go and stick my head in a bucket of water if you like.
I mean, if that's what you really want.
Would you like me to stick my head in a bucket of water? - I've got one ready.
- Marvin, um What's he saying, Zaphod? Nothing.
He just phoned to wash his head at us.
Marvin, will you please tell us where you are! - I'm in the car park.
- What are you doing in the car park? Parking cars.
What else does one do in a car park? OK, stay there.
I'll be down in a minute.
That makes two of us.
Come on, guys, let's go! Marvin's down in the car park.
What's he doing there? Parking cars, what else, dum-dum? Come on, let's go! Now, an interesting effect to watch for is in the upper left-hand quadrant of the sky, where you can see the star system of Hastromil boiling away into the ultraviolet.
Anyone here from Hastromil? Well, it's too late to worry about whether you left the gas on at home now! There he is! Marvin! Hey, Marvin, kid, are we pleased to see you! No, you're not! No one ever is.
Suit yourself.
No, Marvin, really we are! Quite.
Hanging around waiting for us all this time! The first ten million years were the worst.
And the second ten million, they were the worst, too.
The third ten million I didn't enjoy at all.
After that, I went into a bit of a decline.
Poor old Marvin! It's the people you meet in this job who really get you down.
The best conversation I had was over 34 million years ago.
Oh, dear.
And that was with a coffee machine.
Hey, Zaph, look at this baby.
The tangerine star buggy with black sun busters.
Hey, get this number.
Multicluster Quark drive with perspulax running boards! This has got to be a Lazlar Lyricon custom job.
I was passed by one of these mothers out by the Axel Nebula.
I was going flat out and this thing just strolled past me! - It was incredible! - Too much! Ten seconds later it smashed straight into the third moon of Jaglan Beta.
Great-looking ship, though.
Looks like a fish, moves like a fish, steers like a cow.
Yeah, that really is bad for the eyes! It's so black! You can hardly see it.
Light just falls into it.
Hey, feel this surface! Yeah Hey, you can't! It's just totally frictionless! This must be one mother of a mover.
Well, what do you reckon, Ford? You reckon we should just stroll off with it? Do you think we should? - No.
- Neither do I.
- Let's do it.
- OK.
We'd better hurry.
In a few seconds, the Universe will end, and all those creeps will come for their bourgemobiles.
Hey, Zaph.
How do you get into it? Just don't spoil a beautiful idea, Ford.
- Maybe the robot can figure it out! - Hey, Marvin! We've got a job for you.
I won't enjoy it.
Yes, you will.
There's a whole new life stretching out in front of you! - Oh, not another one! - Shut up and listen! There'll be excitement and adventure and really wild things! - Sounds awful.
- But, Marvin I suppose you want me to help you to get into this spaceship Marvin, will you just listen! and open the door for you.
What? Er Yeah.
Well, I wish you'd just tell me rather than try to engage my enthusiasm, because I haven't got one.
Abracadiodularservosystems.
How did you do that, Marvin? Oh, didn't I tell you I've got a brain the size of a planet? Oh, yeah.
Hey, Zaph, come and have a look at this.
Hey! Weird! It's so black.
Everything in it is just totally black! Well, this is very pretty, I must say! Yeah, I like a change of scene! Hey! This is one ace wonderful ship, eh, Ford! Yeah.
Pity it doesn't seem to work, isn't it? - Ah, well.
- Hey, where are you going? To find another ship.
One with a single red button suits me.
Hey, listen, Ford.
This is the most stylish heap I have ever been in! We are gonna make it work, OK? YOU make it work! I can make any ship work! You hear that, ship? Hey! I did it! OK, guys, we're on our way! Where? Who cares where? We just go! Yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for! The skies begin to tremble! Nature collapses into the screaming void! In 15 seconds' time, the Universe itself will be at an end! See where the light of infinity bursts in upon us! What's this? What's happening? Who's this? I don't believe it! Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand, please, for the Great Prophet Zarquon! Er, hello, everybody.
I'm sorry I'm a bit late.
Had a terrible time.
All sorts of things cropping up at the last moment.
How are we for time? 'One of the major selling points 'of that wholly remarkable book: 'apart from its relative cheapness, 'and the fact it has the words "Don't Panic" 'in large friendly letters on the cover, 'is its compendious and occasionally accurate glossary.
'Its simplistic style 'is partly explained by the fact that its editor, 'having to meet a publishing deadline, 'copied the information off the back of a packet of breakfast cereal, 'hastily embroidering it with a few footnotes 'in order to avoid prosecution 'under the incomprehensibly tortuous Galactic copyright laws.
'It is interesting to note that a later and wilier editor 'sent the book backwards in time 'through a temporal warp, 'and then successfully sued the breakfast cereal company 'for infringement of the same laws.
'Here's a sample in both headings and footnotes: Basically, what you're telling me is that the ship is out of control!' The weird colour scheme freaks me.
Every time I try to operate one of these weird black controls, a small black light lights up in black to let you know you've done it.
It it some kind of Galactic hyper hearse? Maybe the designer had eyes that respond to different wavelengths.
Or had no imagination! Perhaps he was feeling very depressed.
It's beginning to make me feel spacesick! Timesick! We're going backwards through time.
- Now I AM going to be ill! - We could do with some colour here.
Oh, that's better! Have you managed to make sense of the controls? No.
We just stopped fiddling with them.
OK, Hotblack, the black ship's ready to crash into the sun of Kakrafoon.
Time to get there ourselves.