The Honeymooners (1955) s04e01 Episode Script

TV or Not TV

With the stars and ( bubbling sound ) ( bubbling sound ) ( bubbling sound subsiding ) Whew! Oh.
? Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo ? Oh, hi, Alice.
Hiya, Trix.
Where's Ralph? Oh, he's not home yet.
Well, Norton just called me, and he told me to tell Ralph that he might be a little late for bowling tonight.
On his way home from work, he has to stop in at this television store.
We're getting a new set.
You are? Mm-hmm.
What's the matter with the old one? Oh, we've had an awful lot of trouble with it, Alice.
So, yesterday, I called in the television repairman and he says it just isn't worth fixing.
Here you are getting your second set and we haven't had our first one yet.
Oh, I wish Ralph would get me a television.
I begged him, Trixie, for a set.
I pleaded with him.
Alice, you're never going to get anything out of Ralph by begging.
Husbands just love to see us beg.
Whenever I want to get something out of Ed, I just use the old "pipe and slippers" routine.
What's that? Well, when Ed gets home from work, I bring him his pipe and his slippers and I wait on him and I flatter him.
I make him real comfortable.
Then, when he's in a good mood, I spring it on him.
And Alice, it never fails.
Hiya, Trix.
Hurry up with my eats; I'm going bowling.
Try it, Alice.
Believe me, it'll work.
Well, I don't know.
Go ahead; what have you got to lose? Look, honey, I'll see you later.
Okay, Trix.
Oh, Ralph?! Sweetheart-face? You don't have to hurry.
Ed called and said he might be a little late tonight.
Why don't you just let me make you comfortable here because you've been gone all day long and I miss you something terrible, sweetums.
Who is "sweetums"? You're sweetums.
You're nuts.
Oh, Ralph.
Come on, sit down and let me make you comfortable.
That way I can look at my darling boy while I'm making supper.
Have you been having headaches lately? Ralph, there's nothing wrong with me.
Come on, now, sit down and relax.
Come on, and I'll get you the paper.
That's it.
You just relax there.
Oh, yeah, she's gone, all right.
Here, sweetie.
There's your paper.
( humming ) ( humming ) It'll do you no good to hide my shoes, 'cause I'm going bowling regardless.
I don't want to hide your shoes, Ralph.
I want you to go bowling.
I want you to do anything that'll make you happy.
All right, where is she? I know she's here.
She's either out on that fire escape or hiding in the bathroom.
Your mother is here, Alice, but she's not staying.
Ralph, Mother isn't here.
It's like I said, I just want to make you comfortable.
Come on now, sit down, and I'll get you a nice, tall drink.
Come on, Ralphie.
That's it.
What would you like, Ralph-- lemonade, or, uh, milk or juice? Let me have what you're drinking.
I want to get loaded, too.
I'll get you some lemonade, 'cause I know that's your favorite.
Here you are, sweetie.
( giggles ) ( giggling ) Are you comfy, sweetums? Yeah, I'm comfy.
Oh, and by the way, Ralph Aha! Aha! "By the way," eh? I knew there'd have to be a "by the way" in here someplace.
All right, what's "by the way"? All right, Ralph.
The Nortons are getting a new television set, and I was just thinking, "Why don't we get one, too?" All right, Alice.
I am now going out the door again.
When I come back in, act like I wasn't in here before.
And I don't want any of this none of that none of this stuff.
I don't want to be comfy, I don't want my slippers, I don't want any lemonade, and most of all, most of all, I don't want any talk about buying a television set.
Ralph, why can't we have a television set? The Nortons are on their second one.
We haven't even had our first one yet.
Why do you always have to be so cheap? Cheap? Cheap? Is that why you think I won't get you a set, 'cause I'm cheap? Well, that shows how much you know.
All right, what is the reason? Do you want to know the reason? Yeah.
You wanna know the reason? Yeah! The reason? All right, I'll tell you the reason.
I'm waiting for that's the reason.
Are you waiting for 3-D refrigerators, too? Let's face it, Ralph.
You're just too cheap to get me a set.
Ed Norton makes the same money you do and you know what they have? They got a washing machine, they got a vacuum cleaner, they got a television set, they even got an electric stove.
I gotta go along with you, Alice.
You're right.
They got all of those things.
And they got one more thing that we ain't got.
Do you know what that is? Worries.
Do you know why they got worries? 'Cause every week he's got to go down and pay for those things, see? That's headaches when you got to pay out every week.
I don't have any headaches.
I got peace of mind.
That's what I got-- peace of mind.
Go ahead, let them buy things.
Let 'em buy 'em.
What good are things? I got money, Alice.
I sock mine away in a bank.
You know what the bank account is now? It's going up! Up! We got $75 laying around there.
That's what we got.
So, don't go envying Trixie.
She's got electric stoves, she's got television sets, she's got washing machines.
You've got financial security.
Just remember that.
You know as well as I do, Alice, that money is better than things.
I would rather have money in my wallet-- in my wallet, I'd rather have money-- than all the things in the world.
So, let Norton have his vacuum cleaners.
Let him have his television sets.
Let him have his electrical stoves.
Go ahead.
I got one thing that he hasn't got.
I've got it here.
You got it here, and you got it here, and you got it here.
But I still want a television set.
Now, look around you, Ralph.
We don't have any electric appliances.
Do you want to know what our electric bill was last month? We haven't blown a fuse, Ralph, in ten years.
What ever happened to the sweet, unspoiled girl I married before? What ever happened to that girl, Alice? Do you remember what you said to me before we got married? "Ralph, I'd be happy to live in a tent with you.
" I'm still willing.
I think it would be an improvement.
Do you wanna go to the moon? Do you wanna go to the moon?! That would be an improvement, too.
Oh Now, let me tell you something, Mr.
Financial Security.
I want a television set, and I'm going to get a television set.
I have lived in this place for 14 years without a stick of furniture being changed.
Not one.
I am sick and tired of it.
And what do you do? You don't care about this.
This place looks like Washington's birthplace, or something.
We gotta preserve it exactly as it was.
You know what it looks like to me? It's more like Lincoln's birthplace.
Nah And what do you care about it? You're out all day long.
And at night, what are you doing? Spending money playing pool, spending money bowling, or paying dues at that crazy lodge you belong to.
And I'm left here to look at that ice box, that stove, that sink and these four walls.
Well, I don't wanna look at that icebox, that stove, that sink and these four walls.
I want to look at Liberace! Ha! What do you say, there, Ralph? Shut up, you troublemaker.
What did I do? What? What? You know what you did.
I'll tell you what you did.
You had to go and buy Trixie another television set.
Now Alice wants me to buy her one.
And she wants to use my pool, my bowling and my dues money to do it.
Hey, h-how come Alice found out about such a thing as television, Ralph? I thought you kept her in the dark on things like that.
( laughing ) Well, if you're going to buy a television set, I guess what I came down to see you about is out.
I was down pricing those television sets and they're pretty steep.
Pretty expensive.
I can't afford one right now.
I figured I'd borrow a little money from you.
Why should you do that? Why don't you go down and get it like you got everything else-- on time? I can't.
They won't give me any more credit down there at the store.
I got 18 accounts going already.
No, 19-- I bought a water softener last week.
Well, I guess for the next two or three months I gotta go without television.
Boy, I'm gonna miss it, too.
Couldn't have come at a worse time.
Do you realize that tomorrow afternoon Captain Video takes off for Pluto?! Hey, wait a minute.
What? Wait a minute.
I've got the solution to the whole thing.
Look, you haven't got enough money to buy a set.
I haven't got enough money to buy a set.
But if we put our money together, we got enough dough to get a great set.
This solves the whole problem.
You can see Captain Video, I can go bowling, and Alice can sit around here and watch television all day if she wants.
I gotta go along with you, Ralph.
The whole route all the way, except for one thing.
How come automatically this television set lands down here instead of up there? I have seen some babies in my day, but you are the champ.
All right, we'll flip a coin to see where the television set goes.
Give me a coin.
All right, uh heads, I win, tails, you lose.
Right? Tails, you lose.
Now Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What's wrong? I hope I don't insult you, Ralph, but would you mind giving me back my coin? Oh, oh, yes, yes.
Right about here, it ought to go, pal.
Alice, you got the paper in there? ( humming ) ( continues humming ) ( humming ) ( stops humming ) TELEVISION ANNOUNCER: Calling all Space Rangers.
It's time to blast off with Captain Video and his Video Rangers! CAPTAIN VIDEO: Hello out there, Rangers.
This is Captain Video.
Are you all ready to join me today on our trip to outer space? I am ready, oh, Captain Video! Very good.
Let us all put on our official Captain Video space helmets.
Official Captain Video space helmet on, oh, Captain Video! Adjust disintegrator gun.
Disintegrator gun adjusted, oh, Captain Video.
And now, we blast off for Pluto and the moon! ( rocket engine roaring ) Aah! Attention, Rangers! I want all you Rangers at home to recite the Captain Video Ranger Pledge.
I, Edward Norton, Ranger Third Class in the Captain Video Space Academy do solemnly pledge to obey my mommy and daddy, be kind to dumb animals and old ladies in outer space, not to tease my little brothers and sisters and to brush my teeth twice a day and drink milk after every meal.
All right, that did it.
All right, out! Get out! Out! Now, look, you, let's have an understanding.
We've had this set for three nights, and for three nights, I've listened to nothing but space shows, Westerns, cartoon frolics and puppet shows.
Tonight, I am watching a movie, and if you dare to make a sound while the movie is on, I'll cut off your air supply! MAN ON TV: Julia, darling.
WOMAN ON TV: Oh, Harry, you're wonderful.
Julia, I love you.
Oh, Harry Aah, that silly muck.
I've got my rights.
I'm gonna look at Captain Video.
Yes, Rangers! And now we are approaching the inner atmosphere.
HARRY: Your hair is like golden sunflowers.
JULIA: Oh, Harry, take me away.
a giant crater filled with boiling lava! Let me hold you close to me.
Come, Harry.
All right, all right! Get out! Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute! Get out! Out! Out! Need I remind you that I paid for half of that set? If you "Out! Out! Out!" me, then half of that set goes "Out! Out!" too.
How do you like them there apples? Look.
Look, you space cadet.
We've got to come to some kind of an agreement.
If we're going to watch this set, it's half mine as well as yours.
If we're gonna watch anything, it's got to be something that we agree on.
Well, all right, I guess we can find something we can agree on.
All right.
We'll look in the paper and pick out something in the media.
Wait a minute.
Official space helmet off, Captain Video, wherever you are.
Will you cut that out?! Hey, here's a movie.
Rhythm on Ice.
With Kenny Baker, Jane Frazee Oh.
Buddy Ebsen Jerry Colonna and Frankie Darro.
Hey, hey, that's a neat picture.
Boy, that Jane Frazee can Hey, wait a minute, here's something better.
Fights of the World.
Maxie Rosenbloom against Kingfish Lavinsky.
That sounds good.
Let's watch that.
See, it's not hard to agree once we hit on something.
( crowd noise on TV ) Isn't that a little fuzzy? Sometimes it gets fuzzy when you switch the channels.
You got to move the aerial.
Move around the room.
I'll tell you if it comes in clear.
How is it going there? Nah.
How about that? No.
Go out in the hall, there.
What do you mean, "out in the hall"? Sometimes it's very tricky to get a better picture.
You have to move the aerial.
Go out in the hall.
How is it now? No, not better yet.
RALPH: How about here? RALPH: Is it all right now? Is the picture on now? That's perfect now, Ralph! Right here? Yeah! ( pounding on door ) Norton! Let me in there, Norton! ANNOUNCER: And now let's investigate these Official space helmet on, Captain Video! ( frantic pounding at door ) ( soft background music playing on TV ) ( soft music continuing on TV ) ALICE: Ralph, will you come to bed? It's 1:00 in the morning! I'm watching The Late Show.
( soft movie background music continuing on TV ) Fares, fares oh.
You gotta go to work tomorrow, you know.
All right, I'll be in in a minute.
? ? ( soft movie background music continuing ) ? ? ( end-of-movie fanfare plays ) ( music crescendos ) ( music stops ) Ralph, will you wake up and come to bed? What? Ralph.
Yeah? Come to bed! All right.
( yawning ) ( crashing and clattering ) Ralph? Ralph! I fell down the stairs.
What do you expect staying up all night watching television? ANNOUNCER: And now for The Late, Late, Late Show.
? ? ( gunshots ) ( woman screams ) Hey Get out! Get out! Get out! If I go, that set goes with me! That set goes over my dead body! I couldn't get it out over your dead body.
What do you think I am, a mountain climber? All right, let's go.
All right, all right! What's going on out here? This idiot's got the gall to come down here and put The Late, Late, Late Show on when I'm trying to get to sleep, and I gotta go to work tomorrow.
Oh, why doesn't he take the set upstairs and watch it? He's not allowed to take the set upstairs 'cause I flipped him a coin, and the set stays down here.
That's right, Alice.
When we flipped a coin, he won.
He said before he flipped, he said, "Heads, I win, tails, you lose," and it was tails, and I lost.
He won.
Don't look at me like that.
I learned that trick from you.
That's how we got married.
Don't start with me.
What trick?! There's no trick.
Why does all this have to happen to me? Do you wanna know why this happens to you, Ralph? Well, I'll tell you.
You couldn't go out and buy a television set like everybody else.
Oh, no, you had to have a scheme.
So you dragged this poor soul into it so you could get the set for half price.
Then when the poor soul wants to come down and look at a program, you've got to start picking on him.
That's right, you always pick, pick, pick, pick Aw, shut up! Just a minute, Ed.
You're no angel in this, either.
I don't understand you two boys.
Such good friends, you always get along well together.
You don't have any trouble when you bowl or shoot pool.
But this, why can't you get along now? For heaven's sake, stop acting like babies and try to grow up a little.
Well, Norton, I I guess she's right.
I apologize.
Put her there, pal.
Well, good night, pal.
Hey, uh What? Do you mind if I stick around and watch the watch the end of that movie, there? Charlie Chan: the Galloping Ghost of Mystery Gulch.
Galloping Ghost of Mystery Gulch? It's a Charlie Chan picture.
It's, it's a mystery-- a murder mystery-- on The Late, Late, Late Show.
Turn it on.
Boy, in this last part, his number one son was really in trouble, there.
Yeah? ( suspenseful music plays on TV ) ? ? ? ? ( TV turns off ) I've got to admit it, Ralph.
Once in your life you were right.
We never should have gotten a television set.