The Honeymooners (1955) s04e06 Episode Script

The Sleepwalker

With the stars and ( knocking on door ) ( knocking continues ) Just a minute.
Trixie! Alice, Alice, where's Ralph? What is it? My Ed's at it again! Oh, no! Yes! Ralph Ralph hurry! Hurry up! What is it? What? What? Ralph, Ralph, Ralph, my Ed's gone.
He's walking in his sleep again.
Is that what all the excitement's about? Your Ed's gone again? He's walking in his sleep again? Seems to me that those words are getting awful familiar to me.
I heard them last night, I heard them the night before, and I heard them the night before that.
Well, I'm not going to do anything about it! Oh, please, Ralph.
I'm terribly worried.
I just saw Ed out on the fire escape.
He's going up to the roof! Ralph, you've got to go after him.
Why do I have to go after him? What, to keep him from hurting himself so I can chase him over the roof tomorrow night? I'm done! There, there he is.
He's on the roof of McCloskey's building.
Ralph, you have to do something.
If anything happened to Ed, you would hate yourself.
Not for long.
I have a very forgiving nature.
Please please, Ralph! Oh Hey you, Norton! Get off that roof! to disturb a sleepwalker? Ralph, Ralph, is he still there? Oh Yes, he's still there.
He's standing on a ledge now.
And what do you think he's doing on the ledge? He's eating a banana! Please, please go bring him back.
Why does this always have to happen to me? Eight million people are in New York City, and I got to get mixed up with a human fly! A human fly that eats bananas! Alice, Alice, I just can't bear to look! What's he doing now? Well, he's starting to do something.
Huh? What? What's he going to do? He's peeling a banana.
Ralph's going after him.
( loud yelling ) He fell.
Ed fell? No, Ralph.
He slipped on the banana peel.
Oh, it's all right.
He's he's gotten up and he's going after Ed.
He's got hold of him now, Trix, and he's leading him down our fire escape.
And he's taking him right into your window.
( sighs ) Oh, boy, Trixie.
Listen, you know something-- this is very serious.
Ed should see a doctor.
He did.
He went to the doctor at the Department of Sanitation today.
The doctor told Ed that he walks in his sleep 'cause he's nervous and upset.
He told Ed to take two weeks sick leave.
Well, what'd he have for dinner? Maybe it's something he eats.
Oh, it couldn't be anything he eats.
Tonight he ate what he eats every Wednesday night: chicken chow mein with potato pancakes.
It can't be that.
( Ralph groans ) Ralph, Ralph, Ralph, is he all right? Is he all right? Is he all right? Goes up a fire escape, across two roofs, stands on a ledge, comes down a fire escape, in his window, into his bedroom, and he didn't lose a wink of sleep! Oh, thanks, Ralph.
Boy, I better go up there.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Huh? Before you go anyplace What? Here, take these.
What wh tacks? What are you giving me tacks for? Just take the tacks and sprinkle them around the floor.
That'll put an end to his sleepwalking.
Also put a few on the fire escape.
Oh, all right.
How about that? How about that? He doesn't lose a wink of sleep, but I get awakened in the middle of the night! Will you please keep your voice down, Ralph? I will not keep my voice down! You know how long it's going to take me to go back to sleep? Two hours, Alice! At least two hours! Ralph, you got to be a little patient.
You know, Ed is sick.
What do you mean, sick? He never had it so good.
He eats, sleeps and exercises, all at the same time.
Well, I'm finished, Alice.
This is it.
I'm not going to chase him off any more roofs.
I'm not going through any alleys after him.
This is it.
I'm through, done, finished, completed.
Ralph, I know how you feel.
But, after all, somebody's got to go with Ed when he starts to walk in his sleep.
Yeah, well, it's not going to be me 'cause I'm going to be in there sleeping.
If he needs somebody to go with him, let him hire another sleepwalker.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What's going on down here? Haven't you got a little consideration with all your yelling and screaming? You woke me up out of a sound sleep.
Geez! I woke him out of a sound sleep! I woke him out ( yelling and groaning ) I think I'll have a glass of milk before I go to bed, Ralph.
You want some? Yeah, I'll have one, honey.
Okay, hon.
What are you doing, Ralph? Crossword puzzle.
Six-letter word for hunting dog.
How about "setter"? What did you tell me for? I would have got it, Alice.
Here, Ralph, drink your milk and we'll go to bed.
What's the sense in going to bed? As soon as we get sound asleep, that nut upstairs will start sleepwalking again.
Well, maybe not tonight, Ralph.
Ed saw the company doctor again today, you know.
And the doctor gave him something to help his sleepwalking.
Yeah? What'd they give him, a pair of roller skates? No, Ralph.
They gave him some kind of a tonic.
You know, to calm his nerves.
You know, the doctor says that all this sleepwalking is caused by nervousness.
Oh, that's a lot of malarkey! Sleepwalking isn't caused by nervousness.
Well, how would you know? How would I know? I happen to be a bus driver.
And if nervousness caused sleepwalking, I'd be going through Australia right now! Well, whatever it is, Ralph, I just wish Ed would go to the hospital like his doctor wants him to.
Well, that shows you how stupid Norton is.
If he had any brains, he'd go to the hospital like the doctor said.
He can't afford it! Oh.
Well, look, Alice, why don't we lend him some money? Us?! Yes, us.
We got money in the bank, haven't we? Yes, we have money in the bank.
31? Well, what do you do with all the money, Alice? I put it in the bank.
Well, anyway, even if that tonic doesn't, you know, calm his nerves down, Trixie's got a very good idea to make sure.
She's going to tie a bell around his wrist, so if he does get up, the bell will wake her up and she can catch him before he gets out.
Well, she should have listened to me and put the tacks on the floor.
Well Oh, no! No, sir! I'm not going! Oh, Ralph, I didn't come down for that.
Ed didn't go out, he's fast asleep.
At least he was a minute ago when I left.
There, you see, Ralph? You can relax now.
What do you mean, relax? He's sound asleep.
The only time we can relax is when he's wide awake.
Oh, Alice, I'm at the end of my rope.
I haven't slept for three nights, but I don't dare go to bed.
I'm so tired, that if I fell asleep I'd never hear Ed if he woke up.
Well, I thought you were going to tie a bell on his wrist.
Well, I did, but I just can't trust myself.
Once my head hits that pillow, nothing will wake me up.
I'd just be dead to the world.
Gee, Trixie, I feel terrible.
I wish there was something I could do to help you.
I feel the same way, Trix.
If you got any ideas, I'd be glad to help you.
Ralph, I got an idea.
Why doesn't Trixie stay down here, and you go up and stay with Norton? I was asking her if she had any ideas! You asked her what you could do to help.
Now, let's face it, Ralph, Trixie hasn't had any sleep in three nights! If she doesn't get some rest soon, she's just going to waste away to nothing.
She didn't have any sleep in three nights? How about me?! I haven't slept in three nights! She'll waste away don't you care if I waste away? Yes, I care, Ralph.
But you wouldn't waste away if you stayed awake for nine years.
How would you like to waste away on the moon, huh? Ralph one way or the other, you're not going to get any sleep, so you might just as well go up and stay with Norton and let Trixie stay here.
Is that so? Well, I am not going up there! ( bell ringing ) ( bell ringing ) ( bell ringing ) Well, I guess I'll have to go.
What's the night tonight? Oh, yes, Thursday night.
This is the night he takes me through a tour of the Koskeosko Street sewer.
What? Did you use my toothbrush? I don't know.
What do you mean, you don't know? Well, you got a red toothbrush and I got a red toothbrush.
And they was laying side by side, and I didn't know which was which, so I just went eenie meenie minie mo.
Is this Mo? That's Mo, all right.
Well, for your information, Mo happens to be my toothbrush.
Oh, I was wondering why there was something familiar about Minie.
( frustrated groan ) Hey, Ralph, you want an apple? No.
How about a banana? I don't want any banana.
How about a nice kumquat? Norton, I don't want any fruit of any kind.
I got some popcorn.
Will you leave me alone? I don't want anything.
Sheesh, what a grouch! All right, what do you say we turn in and get a good night's sleep? Just a moment, don't move.
Give me your wrist.
What are you trying Give me your wrist! Trixie tried, it didn't work.
I don't care what Trixie did.
I happen to be a very light sleeper.
You move one muscle, and I'll know that something's going on.
Good night.
Oh, wait a minute.
Turn around.
Why? I want you to turn around because I'm going to lock the door.
Then I'm going to take the key and I'm going to hide it, where you can't find it.
Ralph, I got to hand it to you, in between those two fat little ears is a great thinking apparatus.
Shut up and turn around! All right, Norton, let's get to bed.
Good night.
Uh Do you mind if I just sort of thumb through a magazine a little bit? It sort of relaxes me.
I don't care what you do, just as long as you don't disturb me.
I got to get some sleep.
( bell ringing ) Stop that! Whew! Norton! Where are you going? Don't worry, will you, Ralph? I'm not sleepwalking.
I was just going to open the window there and get a little fresh air.
Never mind the window, it'll do you no good.
I nailed it tight shut so you can't get out of it.
Oh, boy, I got to hand it to you, Ralph.
The wheels are turning up there tonight, boy.
You got the window nailed shut so I can't get out.
You locked the door and hid the key up there in the top bureau drawer so I wouldn't find it.
Hey! How did you know that I hid the key in the bureau? Simple deduction.
What, you think I read Dick Tracy for nothing? To pass the time of day? All right, wisenheimer.
I am now going to put the key where even if you know where it is, you won't be able to get it-- right under my pillow.
Now you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get at the key.
Got to hand it to you-- you finally come up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't handle.
Shut up and go to sleep.
Ralph, are you sure you don't want a kumquat? Will you go to sleep! ( clock ticking ) ( bell ringing ) Come on, Alice! I'm not snoring! Will you stop pacing and sit down? You've had me up all night, Norton.
The doc will be here any minute.
What'd you call the doctor for? All I got is a little bump on the head.
I didn't call the doctor on account of the bump on your head, I called the doctor on account of the bump in your head.
I got the same doctor who took care of you down at the Department of Sanitation.
How did you get that bump on your head? Well, being asleep, I don't really remember.
I you know that ladder that leads up to McCloskey's fire escape? You know, the one you have to jump up to pull down? Yeah.
I think it comes down without jumping up and pulling it.
( doorbell rings ) That's the doctor.
Look, get in bed.
I told him I'd keep you quiet until he got here.
Oh, how are you, Doctor? DOCTOR: How do you do? I'm great.
Come in.
Thank you very much.
Right in here.
Yes, thank you.
Uh Doc, you got to do something.
He almost killed himself last night.
Well, I will do what I can, Mr.
But as I told Mr.
Norton, he really belongs in a hospital where I can keep him under observation, and test him under the proper conditions.
Yeah, but he can't afford to go to a hospital.
You got to do something for him here.
Well, we will see, we will see, eh? Somnambulism, Mr.
Kramden, has its roots in a psychosis.
In most cases, induced by a trauma.
Now, the obvious therapy is the removal of the mental block from the patient's subconscious mind.
You follow me? Not exactly, but I know when you said mental block it had something to do with Norton.
Now, I am inclined to believe that when Mr.
Norton walks in his sleep, he is searching for something.
Something in the distant past, something perhaps he does not remember himself.
But do not worry.
I will do my best to help him, eh? Oh.
Well, uh what are you going to do? I am going to administer Pentothal.
Perhaps you have heard of it.
It is sometimes called the truth serum.
Now, when Mr.
Norton is asleep, the mental block to his subconscious mind will be cleared, and perhaps then we can find out what it is he is searching for.
Oh, I get it, Doc.
You find out what he's searching for, then after you find that out, you get him what he's been searching for, and then he doesn't sleepwalk anymore.
Excuse me, Mr.
Boy, medicine is remarkable.
Now, uh, Mr.
Norton, I'm going to give you this injection.
It will not hurt, so just relax, eh? ( crying ): I-I-I don't want an injection! It's going to hurt, Ralph.
Will you stop being a baby! Let him give you an injection! They give it to little kids and nothing happens to them! ( groaning ) Mr.
Kramden? Mr.
Kramden, are you all right? Are you all right? All right, step to the rear! All right, steady now, Mr.
Steady now.
What happened? You fainted.
Now, excuse me, please.
Norton, I would like for you to count backwards from 100.
Boy, that's strong stuff you're using there.
Lulu! What'd he say? Uh, I do not know, but he is now under completely.
Uh, Mr.
Norton something is troubling you.
What is it? Did something hurt you? Did you suffer some grave disappointment? Yeah, a grave disappointment.
Uh, when did that happen? When I was 21 years old.
I wanted to go to college.
And what happened? They wouldn't let me.
They said I had to finish grammar school first.
Well, you're wasting your time, Doc.
That mental block's made out of cement.
Lulu, Lulu Tell us about Lulu, Mr.
Was she a childhood sweetheart? A childhood sweetheart.
Yes? Lulu.
Well, wh-what happened with this What happened with Lulu? I lost her at Coney Island.
How did you lose her? We was going through the Tunnel of Love and she jumped out of the boat and went after a cocker spaniel.
Lulu was the best dog I ever had.
A dog? A dog-- that's it, Doc! That's what he's searching for: the dog he lost.
All we have to do is get him a dog and that's the end of his sleepwalking.
No, no, we must not jump to conclusions, Mr.
That might only be part of the dilemma.
In order to find out-- in order to be certain what his trouble is, I will have to run further tests.
Well, how long is that going to take? Oh, two, three months.
Two or three months? I can't last that long! Look, I know Norton.
If he does anything, he does it for a dumb reason.
And he's sleepwalking for a dumb reason.
Now, all we have to do is get him the dog, and that'll settle the whole thing.
But, Mr.
Kramden, we do not have sufficient proof.
Lulu! That is enough proof for me.
I'm getting him a dog.
Get your stuff and we'll get out of here.
Yes, Mr.
Kramden, we go.
Come back.
Come back, little Lulu! Well? Well, 12:00 and all is well.
I guess that little scheme of mine about getting him the dog, worked out.
Boy, I hope so, Ralph.
You hope so? You sound just like that psychiatrist.
The truth was right in front of his nose.
Right in front of his nose and he couldn't tell it.
( chortles ) You know what he wanted to do? He wanted to study Norton for three months.
Three months he wanted to hang around Norton.
You know what would have happened to the doctor if he had hung around Norton for three months? He would have been going, "Lulu, Lulu!" Three months.
Alice, I've got to go down to the grocery for some eggs, but I just had to stop by and tell you.
Ralph, that was a wonderful idea you had! Norton's sleeping like a baby with Lulu II cradled in his arms.
What'd I tell you, Alice? You know I should never have been a bus driver, I should have been a doctor.
And it's such a cute dog, Ralph.
Ed just loves it.
I got to go for the eggs, but thanks again, Ralph.
Good night, Alice.
Good night, Trix.
You know, uh she's not a bad lady.
That ends Mr.
Norton's sleepwalking career.
And now begins the career of Kramden's sleep.
I am now going to celebrate with a glass of warm milk, then I am going in there, and hit the sack.
( knocking on table ) All right, sweetie.
I'll get it for you.
Ooh! That reminds me-- I would have forgotten to put the milk bottle out for the milkman in the morning.
( sighs ) Lulu! Lulu-lu-lu-lu!