The Honeymooners (1955) s04e10 Episode Script

A Matter of Record

With the stars and All right, buddy boy.
Hey, Alice.
Oh, hi, Ed.
I'd like to have for you to meet the captain of our stickball team, Johnny Bennet.
Hiya, Johnny.
Alice, I, uh I got a little problem.
I promised each member of the team today, each one that hit a home run, I'd give 'em an apple.
Well, what's your problem? I, uh, I'm fresh out of apples.
Oh, help yourself, Ed.
Thank you.
Here you are, Johnny boy, there's your apple for your home run.
( laughs ) Who are those for? I happened to hit a couple of home runs myself today, Alice, you know.
All right, Johnny boy, get going.
Remember, you're in training.
Get home and get into bed early, and lay off them lollipops.
Hiya, Johnny.
Alice, Alice! Remember me promising you I was gonna get two tickets and take you to a real Broadway show? Yeah, I remember.
That was Thursday, August the fifth, 1942.
Well, I'm keeping my promise, Alice.
There they are.
Two tickets to Murder Strikes Out.
Oh! The boss, he can't use 'em, so he gave 'em to me.
He says, "go ahead.
" Murder Strikes Out-- I heard about that show.
That's the show that's supposed to keep you in thrills, chills and suspense for over three hours! It's a big hit! keep the ending a surprise.
" Oh, Ralph, how wonderful! I can't wait to see it.
Well, look, go in and get dressed.
And right after the show, we'll go to the Hong Kong Gardens, we'll make a whole night of the thing.
Ralph, you mean the tickets are for tonight? Yeah.
My mother's coming tonight.
She'll be here any minute.
I can't go.
It's impossible.
You're not gonna stand there and tell me, Alice, that you're gonna spoil my evening and your evening and both of our chances to see a Broadway show because your mother is coming! You're not gonna tell me that, are you, Alice? Ralph, I don't want to spoil your evening, but I don't want to disappoint my mother.
She's coming all the way from Bensonhurst.
There's a big deal.
Where's Bensonhurst? In New Zealand, or something? Listen, Ralph, I am too tired to argue.
My mother's coming and I can't go.
Why don't you take Norton? How about it, Ed? Would you like to see that show? Well, uh, I don't think I can, Alice.
Captain Video and his Video Rangers are on tonight.
I want to You mean to tell me you're not gonna take the chance to see a show like Murder Strikes Out? Instead you want to watch Captain Video and his Video Rangers? Now, come on, Norton, do you want to go or don't you? I can't use two seats.
That's a matter of opinion.
I'll manage to squeeze in somehow.
All right, go ahead and get dressed.
Your mother.
On account of your mother, I got to waste a ticket on a Junior Space Cadet.
Listen, Ralph, don't go blaming my mother.
It is not her fault.
How could she know that you have tickets to a show? Oh, she knows, Alice.
She knows! I don't know how she finds out, but she knows.
I don't know whether she uses a Ouija board or a corn teller, but she knows! Listen, Ralph, I know Mother isn't the easiest person in this world to get along with, but that's no reason for you to act the way you do.
I act the way I do, Alice, because your mother is a blabbermouth.
A blabbermouth! Ralph, I have told you about that before.
I don't want you calling her that.
All right, you're an expert at crossword puzzles, give me another word for "blabbermouth.
" As soon as she comes in here, she starts in talking.
( imitates chatter ) The minute she steps in till the minute she steps out, she starts in on me.
"Oh, if Alice only had have married those other boyfriends.
" "Oh, Ralph, why do you eat so much? You're so fat.
" "Well, why don't you get some furniture for the apartment?" Your mother's nosy, Alice.
Nosy! Snooping around.
Anything I hate, it's a nosy blabbermouth.
Now, listen, Ralph, I am warning you for the last time.
You call her that once more, and when my mother leaves here tonight, I just might go with her.
All right, I won't say a word.
I won't say a word to you or your mother.
That'll suit me just fine.
At least that way, there won't be any arguments.
There won't be any arguments? You think because I don't say a word, there won't be an argument? Are you kidding? I'll bet you a million dollars that she won't be in this apartment three minutes before she starts an argument.
And I won't have to say a word, Alice! Three minutes, I give her.
She'll start an argument.
Without a word from me! Ah ( knock on door ) Oh, hello, Mother! Alice, dear! Oh, hello, dear.
Oh, my.
( sighing ) Ah! Well, I'm glad to sit down.
Whew! Ooh! You know, Alice, I wish you didn't live so far from the subway.
Oh, Mother, it's only three blocks.
Yeah, three long blocks.
But I suppose you can't do any better with the rent that you can afford.
Your sister only lives a half a block from the subway.
Well, that's one of the advantages of having a husband that's a good provider.
Mother, I have some coffee on.
Would you like some? Oh, that'd be nice, dear.
Yes, thank you.
Say, Alice, you look thin.
Are you getting enough to eat? ALICE: Oh.
Of course I am, Mother.
You wouldn't say that if you could see our food bill.
Well, I don't doubt the bills are high.
But how much of the food are you getting? ALICE: Mother, don't you worry about me.
I feel just fine.
Well, I hope so.
My goodness.
A little food is the least you can get out of marriage.
Oh! Oh, by the way, guess who I saw today.
Who? Chester Barnes.
Oh, you remember Chester.
That nice boy that was so crazy about you? Yeah, how is he? Oh, he's fine! He's just fine! Oh, and he's handsomer than ever! Oh, my dear, and he's so tall and slim.
I guess a man doesn't I guess a man doesn't have to get fat if he doesn't want to.
( sighs ) Oh, we had a nice, long chat.
You know, he's so charming.
You know, of all the boys that you brought to our house, he's the only one that I had any use for.
Mother, now come on, drink your coffee.
Ralph, would you like some? ( groans softly ) What's the matter with him? Nothing's the matter with him, Mother.
Oh, Ralph has got tickets for a Broadway show tonight.
He's going with Ed Norton.
Ed Norton? Doesn't he know he's got a wife? Mother, Ralph asked me to go with him first, but I couldn't because you were coming over to spend the evening.
Anyway, it's a wonderful show.
It's called Murder Strikes Out.
Oh, that.
I had a neighbor, Mrs.
Finley-- she saw it, she didn't think much of it.
Really? It was supposed to be such a big hit.
The paper said it's a very exciting mystery.
Oh, the paper-- that's just a lot of publicity.
All that to-do about chills and suspense.
And that nonsense about "don't tell your friends the surprise ending.
" Well, it was no surprise to Mrs.
She said she knew all the time that it wasn't the uncle who committed the murder, it was the husband.
( alarm rings ) You are a blabbermouth! A blabbermouth! You! Blabbermouth! Out! Ralph! Out! Ralph.
Out! Well, I've had enough.
Out! Oh! Well, I've had enough of this.
I'm going home! Oh! Blabbermouth! I've had just as much of this as I can stand, too, Ralph.
Doesn't change my mind.
It doesn't change my mind! She's a blabbermouth! ( hollers ) Ah! What's going on, there? What's the matter, anyway? Ain't we going to the show? I'm not going to the show! Alice's mother, the blabbermouth, has to come in here, she's got to tell me the ending of the show.
It wasn't the uncle that killed him, it was the husband that killed him! Two tickets ruined.
Well, just give me my ticket, I'll go.
How can you be so stupid, Norton? Why do you want to go? You know the finish as well as I do.
You call me stupid, huh? You call me stupid? Just so happens it don't make no difference at all if I know the finish.
It doesn't make a difference at all.
I'll just wait till it gets almost to the end of the show, and then I'll get up and walk out.
Hiya, Norton.
Hi, Ralphy, pal.
How is it down there in that lonely apartment of yours? How does it feel to be a bachelor again, pal? It's murder, Norton.
She's only been gone five days, and I'm going nuts.
Never thought I could miss her as much as I do.
If I could only get to talk to her.
I know she'd forgive me, I'd pour my heart out to her.
Tell her how much I love her, I know she'd forgive me.
Ooh, wait a minute.
Just stay right where you are.
Hold everything.
What's that? It's a recorder.
It's a recorder.
Wait a minute, now I'll get it set up.
( mumbling ) There we are.
Well, what are you gonna do with that? What am I gonna do with it? You're gonna make a record.
You're gonna pour your heart out to Alice there.
Right on the record here, see? She'll get the record, listen to it, know how you feel, she'll be running back to you.
Norton, you're a genius.
( laughs ) That's a microphone.
All right.
Got to put a fresh record on.
Wait a minute.
Now, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Start now? Oh-- No, wait a minute.
I just thought of something else.
If you want this to be sweet and sentimental, you know, schmaltzy-like, you got to have a musical background.
Just a minute.
( plays ) Don't say nothing until you get a cue from me.
See, I'll start the music in the background, you see? And then I'll throw you a cue.
You ready? ( plays Swanee River ) Shoot! ( continues ) Why don't you stop it?! Look, I don't need any music.
Just sit down, I'll do this alone.
Go ahead.
Start it.
You're on the air.
Hello, Alice.
This is me, Ralph.
Alice, I'm sorry.
I'm miserable without you.
Please come back to me, Alice.
I apologize for everything I said.
I even apologize to your mother.
I know she doesn't mean the things she says, Alice.
It's just her nature.
She doesn't mean to be mean.
She's just born that way.
When she says things about your old boyfriends, and about the furniture in the apartment, I know she doesn't mean to get me mad.
She's just naturally mean, that's all.
When she spilled the beans about the end of the play, I shouldn't have got mad at that.
I should've expected it from her.
I know how she is.
She's never gonna be any different, Alice! She's gonna be the same old way, Alice! She's a blabbermouth, Alice! A blabbermouth! Hey, there, will you hold the phone? What, are you crazy or somethin'? What're you pouring out, your heart or your liver? I'm sorry.
Every time I think of Alice's mother, I flip! Don't think of Alice's mother, concentrate on Alice.
She's the one you want back.
Get over here now.
I got one more fresh record left.
You better make this one good.
It's the last disc I got.
Now, make it friendly and warm and schmaltzy.
What kind of a greeting is this? It's so formal.
"Hello, Alice, this is Ralph.
" I got a friendlier greeting for my draft notice.
Isn't there some kind of a name you used to call her? Honey bunny, sweetie pie, or something? I did.
I used to call her "Bunny.
" Bunny? Yeah, when we first got married.
Now we're getting someplace.
Call her "Bunny.
" Uh, wait a minute, before you start it, would you mind, uh, starting it and leaving? This is kind of personal.
I'd like to do it alone, if you don't mind.
I know just how you feel.
In the words of the immortal bard Shakespeare, there are three times in a man's life when he wants to be alone.
One, when he's communing with his thoughts, two, when he's being tender with his wife, and three, when he's in the isolation booth on "the $64,000 question.
" Right? You're on the air.
( door closes ) Hello, Bunny.
This is Old Buttercup.
'Member when I used to call you "Bunny," Alice? Way back when we first got married.
You used to call me "Old Buttercup.
" Now, uh, I'm sorry, Alice, for everything I said.
We never used to argue when we first got married.
There's no reason for us to argue now.
I admit it's all my fault, Bunny.
Your Old Buttercup is never gonna do it again.
So, you just come back, Alice, please, and I promise I'll never again be like I was.
I'll never say anything else about your mother.
Just come back to me.
Come on, Bunny, come back to Old Buttercup.
S say hello to your mama.
Okay, Norton, you can come out.
( loud sob ) You were listening, Norton! I couldn't help it, Ralph.
It just got me down in here.
When you come to that part where you says, "This is Old Buttercup" Simply beautiful.
Look, never mind that.
How're we gonna get the letter the record? Don't you worry about a thing.
I got envelopes for these things.
I'll slip it in the envelope, mail it, address it, and everything and she'll get it tomorrow, you won't know a thing about it.
and she'll come begging All right, get the envelope.
What's her address? Ah, 33 Koskiasko Street.
Wait a minute.
Hiya, Trix.
Oh, hiya, Ralph.
Just write it right down there.
Don't forget, Norton, this means everything to me.
My whole future.
Your future is in good hands.
All right.
So long, Trix.
So long, Ralph.
And the name is Gibson.
Care of Gibson.
Bye, Trix.
TRIXIE: Bye, Ralph.
Hey, uh, Trix? Yeah? Hand me the record in the cabinet, there, will you? Huh? Hand me the record over there.
Oh, all right.
There you are.
Oh, boy, oh, boy.
Telling you, Trix, this is Ralph's passport to happiness.
I'm telling you, Ralph and Alice's troubles are over.
Norton, did you send the record? Did I send it? You asked me a million times.
Of course I sent it! Well, then why isn't she here? She should've gotten the record by now.
Are you sure you addressed it right? I know I addressed it I even took precautions.
You know on the envelope on the outside, you know where it says, "If not delivered in five days, return to" I crossed that out.
I said, "Never mind this, "'If not delivered in five days.
' Deliver it!" She should've got that record if you'd delivered it.
It's now 6:00.
She's had the record 8 hours.
Why isn't she here?! Look, ain't you got no imagination? Can't you picture the scene? She's there at her mother's house.
The mailman comes up with the record and delivers it.
She opens it up, she rushes over to the phonograph and plays it.
She listens to your tender words pour out.
Her heart melts.
Two, four, six, eight hours she's listened to that record.
Her eyes fill up with tears, they get all swollen and red.
She rushes out of the house to get on a bus to come home to you.
Her eyes are all swollen up, she misses the bus.
She gets on the wrong one.
Ends up in Bayonne.
That's the answer, Ralph.
You are sitting here waiting for her to come home, she's probably wandering around with swollen eyes someplace in Bayonne.
Will you leave me alone, Norton? Listen, if she hears that record, she'll come back.
I'm telling you.
( knock on door ) Maybe that's her.
Al oh, hiya, Johnny.
Hello, Mr.
Hi, Johnny boy.
Norton, your wife told me you'd be down here.
I got some bad news.
What? Steve Austin can't play tomorrow.
He's got the measles.
How do you like that? On the eve of a big baseball game, my second baseman comes down with the measles.
I'm telling you, Ralph, the life of a coach ain't all beer and skittles.
Have we got no substitute? That's just it.
We don't have a substitute.
Unless you'd play for us! How about it, Mr.
Kramden? Do you think you could cover second base? My boy, you are looking at a man that could cover the infield, the outfield, and four sections of the bleachers.
Very sorry, but I'll be busy tomorrow.
Norton, when you go upstairs, could you tape up the handle of my bat? Tape up the handle? Oh, yeah, sure.
Okay, Johnny.
Listen, when you was upstairs, was Mrs.
Norton making supper? No, she was talking to Mrs.
Alice is upstairs.
Hey! She's upstairs, she's coming back, Norton.
She's coming back.
I told you the record would work! I told ya! Thanks, pal.
I don't know how to thank you.
Now, look-- get out.
I want to be alone when she comes down.
Don't you think I got no feelings? I know.
I wouldn't intrude on your privacy for the world.
This is a time where you should be left all alone with your wife who's coming back to you.
Thank you very much for your sympathy and thanks for sending that record.
Listen, one thing I want to ask you.
Yes? You mind if I just listen in on the keyhole? Please, Norton, will you please go upstairs? She's coming down any minute.
Let me know for sure how you make out.
All right.
I'll let you know how I make out.
Send her right down.
You got the record, sweetheart? Alice, I meant every word of it.
I would've said more, but it was too small a record.
But I meant every word of it, Alice.
You said enough, Ralph.
I got the idea.
So my mother was born mean, huh? She's gonna stay that way? It's her nature? Once a blabbermouth, always a blabbermouth.
Well, let me tell you something, Ralph-- I'm very glad that you sent me this record, cause now I know how you really feel.
Wait a minute, you're making a mistake.
I made the mistake Wait a minute, Alice! Wait a second, you got the wrong record! Alice! The wrong! Norton? Pal o' mine.
Come on down.
I wanna tell you how it came out.
Come on down, Norton! Come on down, Norton! I'm waiting for you, pal! Come on! Get out, Norton.
Get out before I do something.
You're a menace to society.
You're a menace to me.
And you are a stupid head.
Now, get out! Just wait a minute.
Before you say anything I take offense at, I got some news for you.
Alice is coming back, she's gonna forgive you.
What? Yes.
I brought the right record over to Alice's mother's house, and I played it for Alice, and she sat there and listened to it, and she cried and she cried, and she forgives you.
Oh, Norton.
Is she really coming back? She's not only really coming back, she is back.
She's down at the corner store now, picking up a steak, and she's gonna make you the best supper you ever had in your life.
Norton, I don't know how to thank you, pal.
Friends? Friends, pal, friends.
( knock on door ) That's probably her now.
Alice? Oh.
Yes, sir? I'm Dr.
I'm with the Department of Health.
Do any children live in this apartment? No, just my wife and myself.
There's an epidemic of measles in this building.
The Manicotti boy has them, the Garitty boy, and Mrs.
Bennet's son.
Apparently, it's still spreading.
Manicotti, Bennet there goes my stickball team.
Well, there's no children live here.
Mm-hmm, just checking.
It's all right.
What're you looking at? Would you mind opening your mouth, please? Uh-huh.
Did you ever have the measles? No.
Well, you got 'em now.
That's impossible! Ralph, you got the measles, you're gonna break out Shut up! I can't have the measles.
He's the one that plays with the kids.
I don't play with 'em! How could I catch the measles? Very simple.
You probably got 'em from him Let me look at you.
Well, you're both in the same boat.
Oh! Ralph! Just a minute, madam.
You live here? Oh, wait a minute, she doesn't understand.
That's my wife.
She's been away for three weeks.
Understand what? There's an epidemic of measles.
Your husband and this gentleman are infected.
You're very fortunate that you've been away.
If you want to avoid measles, I suggest you stay away until the infection has subsided.
Good afternoon.
Oh, Ralph, I don't mind Don't touch me! Don't touch me! I'm measled.
I'll stay and take care of you, Ralph.
No, sweetheart.
No, darling.
I realized how much I loved you when you were away.
I don't want you to get anything like the measles.
Go ahead back with your mother.
When I'm over the measles, you can come back.
I love you, too, Ralph.
I love you, too.
Here's your steak.
Bless you, darling.
Ralph, I want to tell you something I want to tell you something, and I mean it.
That was the biggest thing in the world you could do.
Telling your wife, Alice, to get out when you really want her most of all, close to your heart.
And you're left alone here to struggle by yourself-- to do your own cleaning, and your own cooking, and your own washing, just so that you won't endanger her.
That's what I call a big sacrifice.
What a mess she left you with.
She didn't leave me with the mess, stickball coach! Put on the apron! Put it on! ( continues yelling )