The Honeymooners (1955) s04e24 Episode Script

Please Leave the Premises

With the stars and Ralph.
Hello, Ralph.
Ralphie boy.
Hi, Ed.
Hi, there, Alice.
Ralph isn't home yet.
Not home yet? Kind of late, isn't it? Well, he'll be home in a little while.
He stopped off at the doctor's on his way home from work.
The doctor's? Anything wrong? Well, nothing serious, Ed.
It's just that Well, have you noticed in the last couple of weeks how Ralph's been flying off the handle at the slightest little thing and he's been so nervous and irritable lately? So, uh, "nervous and irritable lately"? Alice, let's face it, he's never been 100% in the laugh department or the happy department.
I can't even remember when I seen him smile.
Last time I seen his teeth's was when he was trying to bite me.
( barks ) Oh, boy.
Well, it was on account of that nervousness I thought he should go to the doctor.
I figured maybe the doctor could give him something, you know, that would calm him down.
Well, maybe he can.
Hiya, honeybunch.
Hi, Ralph.
And some sweets for the sweet.
Oh, thanks, Ralph.
And how are you, my pal-o-mine? Well Alice, I think the doctor's doing pretty good so far.
Hyde here is fast becoming Dr.
What'd the doctor say, Ralph? Alice, that doctor is a genius.
An absolute genius.
I am never going to be nervous for the rest of my life.
You're not gonna believe this! He gives me an examination, see, and he says the reason that I'm nervous is because I get aggravated.
He says, you know, "you get aggravated and right away blow your top and you get nervous.
" So he gives me a little thing to say, that whenever I'm steamed up, I say this little thing, and I'm not nervous.
Well, like what? As I said, you're not gonna believe this.
Here it is, he says whenever I get steamed, I say this: "Pins and needles, needles and pins it's a happy man that grins.
" Then I smile to myself.
And then I say, "What am I mad about?" And it works.
I couldn't think of what I was mad about! And I've been aggravated several times tonight.
Really? You mean you tried it out already? Why, certainly.
I was aggravated as soon as the doctor gave me the bill.
But to really test it, to really test it, I came home from the doctor's on the subway.
And I want to tell you something.
If you want to test a cure for aggravation, just get on the subway.
Oh, yeah.
That is the Aberdeen proving grounds.
I wasn't in there five minutes before I was aggravated a million times.
Some dame had an umbrella under her arm, kept poking me in the ribs.
Another guy was carrying a rose bush, sticking it in my face.
Another guy had a piece of wood on his shoulder, hitting me in the back of the neck every five seconds.
But I just stood there, just stood there, and I said, "pins and needles, needles and pins, it's a happy man that grins.
" Then I smiled and I said, "What am I mad about?" And believe it or not, I just couldn't think what I was mad about.
I'll never be nervous again.
Oh, I'm so happy, Ralph! Well, suppose you get my supper, I'll go in and wash up.
All right.
Well, what do you think, Ed? Well, let me tell you, Alice, that if this pins and needles thing works, and really calms Ralph down, I think that it should be presented to the UN as the greatest instrument known for peace in our time.
( knock on door ) Come in.
Oh, Mr.
How do you do, Mrs.
Hello, Mr.
Hey, Johnny boy.
Aren't you a little early this month, Mr.
Johnson? Yeah, you're not due for a week to collect the rent.
Well, I'm just not collecting the rent.
I'm just going around the building and giving out these notices.
Uh, what's it say, Alice? I have one for you, too, Mr.
Johnson! This notice says you're raising the rent.
It does? I hope mine don't say the same thing.
Well You see, Mrs.
Kramden, I went down to the rent commission, and they gave me permission to raise the rent 15%.
My reasons are right there in that notice.
I knew this would happen as soon as the war ended.
I've gotta be going now.
I've got to give these out to the rest of the building.
RALPH: Hey, hiya, Johnson.
You're just the guy I want to see! This is perfect.
Well, I'm very busy Look, I have noticed, Mr.
Johnson, that you're a very nervous guy.
You know, you just can't calm yourself.
Every time you come up here to speak to me, you get upset and nervous.
Well, pal, I got the greatest cure for aggravation that was ever invented! Well, Mr.
Kramden, I It'll only take a minute, might change your entire life.
Now, look, if you ever get nervous, see, and you're aggravated, all you have to do is say, "Pins and needles, needles and pins, it's a happy man that grins.
" Then you put on a big smile, and you say to yourself, "What am I mad about?" And believe me, you won't be able to remember what you're mad about.
I just wish I had something to aggravate me right now to show you how it works.
Here you are, Ralph.
Maybe this'll do the trick.
All right, a little test.
Pins and needles, needles and pins it's a happy man that grins.
See that? Look, look, see? Boy, it's working like a charm.
Look at him, nice, how nice he's smiling.
Now, what am I mad about? They raised the rent 15%.
( shouting ): Pins and needles! Needles and pins! It's a happy man that grins! See that, Alice? Mr.
Johnson, there is a perfect example of how this pins and needles thing works.
He fought a battle with himself, he fought this battle, and he won the battle! Now he's gonna go in there for a few seconds, and he'll think it over, get calm, cool and collected, and in a couple of seconds, he's gonna come out here refreshed, with a new lookout on life.
Wait till you see now.
One, two You! are not gonna get a dime! Not one thin dime are you gonna get! Wait a minute, Ralph, Ralph Pins and needles, needles and Ah, shut up with that! You've got some crush, Johnson, some crush, coming up here, trying to raise our rent.
You should be lowering our rent! Just a minute, Mr.
The rent commission just didn't give me this.
I had to prove hardship! Prove hardship? What did you use for evidence? A picture of this dump? Ralph, it is not worth getting aggravated about.
It only amounts to five dollars a month.
Get a load of Mrs.
Vanderbilt! "Only amounts to five dollars a month"? Five dollars a month! Do you realize how many times I got to drive that bus up and down Madison Avenue to make five dollars? Will you answer me one question? What're we gonna do about it? Let's just pay it, that's all.
There's nothing else to do.
That's right, you've just got to pay it.
You're not getting an extra cent out of me.
Well, anybody who doesn't pay it is just going to go out on the street! Is that so? Well, suppose I lock myself in here.
Then how are you gonna put me out? Then how are you gonna put him out? Lock yourself in here.
See how you like living in here without any water.
Or any heat! Or any gas! Or any electricity! Because if you lock yourself in here, I'm going to shut them off.
You wouldn't dare.
You're bluffing! Just see if I'm bluffing.
I'll see, all right.
I'll see.
Ha! He doesn't scare me.
He's bluffing.
Ralph, you're not serious about this? I was never more serious in my life.
I know a bluff when I see a bluff.
He's a bluffing bluffer, bluffer.
You can say that again.
Don't worry.
When Norton and I lock ourselves up in our apartments, we'll see who's bluffing! You're so right.
When me and you lock ourselves in Hey, wait a minute.
I thought you was in this by yourself.
What do you mean, in it by myself? You and I have to fight for a cause.
Don't forget, if we both lock ourselves in our apartments, we're stronger.
In unity, there is strength.
But I don't wanna lock myself in my apartment.
Ralph, you don't mean you're really gonna go through with this and you're gonna drag this poor soul into it with you? I certainly do, and that's my final word on it.
He's bluffing and I'll prove it to you.
Ralph, this is just plain crazy! Yeah, he's gonna shut off the gas, electricity, hot water, heat.
It's crazy, Ralph! BOTH: Pins and needles, needles and pins, a happy man is a man who grins.
( growling ) Ralph.
Keep moving, just keep moving.
But I'm so tired and so cold! I don't care how tired you are, keep moving.
I'm frozen! We once stop, we're goners.
I'm dead.
Come on, Ralph! Come on, let's keep moving.
We'll make it too easy for the men in the white coats to catch us.
Oh! Come on, Ralph.
Let's give this up.
Do you realize we've been freezing to death in this apartment for three days? We haven't had any heat, any gas, any water, any electricity.
And now you got this crazy barricade up here, Ralph.
We can't even go out and buy any food.
Do you realize that the ice box is practically empty? I am not giving up, Alice.
I'm not giving up! Boy, you kill me.
A few inconveniences, right away you want to quit.
This is war, Alice.
War! War! It's got to be run like a war.
Don't forget, Washington at Valley Forge didn't have any conveniences, either.
He was fighting for a cause the same way I am.
He didn't give up, and I'm not gonna give up.
I'm exactly like Washington at Valley Forge.
Not exactly, Ralph.
George did not have Martha with him.
I'm here, Ralph.
Martha was home in a nice, warm house in Mount Vernon.
Now, get this through your head, Ralph, and get it straight.
I'm getting out of here right now! You are going nowhere.
There will be no deserters in this army.
This is war, Alice.
And I'm the general.
The general! I'm running the whole thing here.
Just remember that.
You're a private.
You got nothing to say.
Nothing! I'm the general.
What I say goes! Then you better say "Alice," 'cause I'm going.
Now, wait a minute.
I'm telling you now, I just can't understand you, Alice.
Every time I try to do something, I get no backing from you.
You never get behind me.
Other husbands do things, they can always be assured of their wives standing behind them.
Why can't you stand behind me? Oh, it's not my fault, Ralph.
There just isn't enough room back there.
( grumbles ) Ho-ho! Bang, zoom! You and your wisecracks.
You don't understand, Alice.
This isn't a fight, Alice.
That's not what I care about, the fight, Alice.
It's the principle of the thing.
Sure, it's five dollars now.
We pay this five dollars, ten years from now, they'll raise our rent another five dollars.
Ten years after that, it'll go up another five dollars.
Don't you understand? That's why I can't give up.
Oh, well, now, I understand, Ralph.
I didn't know you were planning on staying here in this apartment for the next 20 years! Why, if I'd known that, Ralph, that changes the whole picture.
Now I'm entirely in favor of not giving up! I'd rather freeze to death right now! And speaking of freezing, your half hour is up so just hand it over.
What do you mean, my half hour is up? It hasn't even been five minutes yet.
You've had it a half an hour! Five minutes.
A half an hour, so just hand it over, George Washington.
Doesn't make any difference.
It's cold now, anyway.
And don't let me catch you drinking a drop of that water.
We gotta conserve it.
Oh, I wouldn't think of it, Ralph.
I'm saving it for Sunday dinner.
( pounding on door ) Oh A-ha.
Thought I was nuts, huh? Thought I didn't know what I was doing? I told you he was bluffing.
All right, Johnson, is that you out there? It's me, Norton.
Norton? What is that idiot doing out of his apartment? What is this idiot doing in this apartment? ( grumbles ) I hereby claim this territory for the United States in the name of little America.
What are you doing out of your apartment? I'll tell you what I'm doing.
I come down here to tell you what I'm doing out of my apartment.
The war is over.
We have met the enemy.
We are theirs.
What are you talking about? I tell you what I'm talking about.
The sheriff and the landlord were just up to my place a little while ago.
Said if I didn't sign the rent increase, that they'd slap an eviction notice on me.
I guess they're not bluffing.
An eviction notice? All right.
Yeah, that's sort of a printed "out, out, out, out!" What could I do? I had to sign it.
Very well, General Washington.
I shall get your pen so you can sign the peace treaty as soon as the sheriff arrives.
Boy, I'm telling you, Ralph, frankly, I'm glad this is over.
I never spent such a miserable three days in all my life.
I didn't mind being cut off-- electricity, heat, hot water, that stuff.
But being locked up with Trixie for three days is more than I could stand.
Here's your pen, General.
You can sign that the minute the sheriff gets here.
You sign that rent increase! I won't need that pen.
Look out.
What do you think you're doing? I'll tell you what I'm doing.
If the sheriff can't get in here, he can't serve me with an eviction notice.
Oh, boy, Ralph, you've really cracked up this time.
( pounding on door ) I cracked up, huh? Ha-ha! There he is.
Look out.
Well, is that you, Johnson? Ready to give up? JOHNSON: That's right, Kramden.
And I got the sheriff with me! Open up! You think I'm nuts or something? If I open up the door, you send the sheriff in and he gives me the eviction notice.
( laughs ) I'm not opening the door! Stay in there.
But the sheriff is posting one of his men out here in the hall.
And the minute you open that door, he's slapping you with an eviction notice! And don't try to sneak out the fire escape! He'll have a man out there, too.
Told you, didn't I? Scared to death.
Well, I would like to wish you and Alice a lot of luck.
I think you got a lot of spunk.
What I'm gonna do right now is get Trixie and we're going out and have a steak dinner.
I haven't had a decent meal in three days.
Where do you think you're going? I just told you, I'm gonna get Trixie, we're going out and have some steak! You're going nowhere.
This is war, Norton.
War! Total war.
And I'm the general of this army.
Just remember that.
You're nothing but a sergeant.
And you are a private, so don't say anything! I am the general! I am running this thing.
What I say goes.
But I paid the rent increase.
I don't care.
I'm fighting this war for you as well as I'm fighting it for myself.
Where are you going, Norton? Your first sergeant is going over the hill! You're going nowhere! I'm starved! I haven't had a decent meal in three days! If you're hungry, there's nothing to worry about.
Alice'll fix us something to eat.
Fix us something to eat.
Sure, I'll fix you some supper.
Get those chairs down.
I'll fix it right away.
Soon as we eat, we'll feel much better.
You'll feel very good after something to eat.
You got fingers in your gloves, fix the silver.
How'd you like some fingers in your nose? The general! All right, boys.
Dig in.
What do you mean, dig in? Is this all we got? That's right, General.
The supply boats just couldn't make it through the blockade.
You're gonna make it to the moon, though, I'll tell you that.
Let's eat our supper.
I don't like celery! Well, then pretend it's something else.
I read one time in some book where a couple of guys were marooned on an island.
All they had to eat was coconuts.
They pretended it was something else and they got along fine.
Think it might work? I know it'll work.
All right.
( laughs ) You know what I'm pretending, Ralph? I'm pretending I'm eating a steak dinner.
That's the spirit.
Mm-mm! This steak is delicious! Done just the way I like it.
Particularly with the mushroom sauce and those onions on top! What have we here? An avocado salad pear! ( laughs ) There's some mashed potatoes and, whoo! Shut up, talking like that! You spilled all the gravy! I'll spill you in a minute.
Listen, Ralph.
You can just stop picking on him.
This wasn't his idea.
You know you started the whole thing.
So why don't we just give up? We're not giving up.
Wait a minute! I just got the most brilliant idea of my life.
Wonder what this idea is.
I don't know and I don't care.
Not only am I hungry, but I'm freezing to death, Ed.
Well, why didn't you tell me, Alice? You can have my coat.
Won't you be cold? Cold? I'm suffocating.
Get in there.
I am.
Like a bunny in a rug.
Thank you.
All right ( screams ) Here, tie this around the table.
Ralph, what are you doing with those sheets? Look, Johnson thinks he's going to outflank me, but I'm a general that isn't easily beaten.
Now, he's got a sheriff outside the door, right? We can't go out there.
He's got one outside on the fire escape, we can't get out there.
But he hasn't got one outside of the window of our bedroom.
So all we have to do is throw this out the bedroom window, slide down, climb over the fence into Freitag the delicatessen's yard, go into the back way of Freitag's, get all the food we want, climb back over the fence, up the sheets, and into the house and we got everything to eat.
Ralph, that sounds very dangerous.
It's a chance I got to take.
All right, Norton, slip down this sheet out there.
I'll hold on here.
I'm not going out the window! I'm afraid of heights! I got "heights-o-phobia.
" I'm not going.
All right, yellow-belly, I'll go.
Look out.
Let me know when you're holding on.
All right.
Oh, Ralph, this is another crazy idea of yours.
RALPH: Never mind how crazy it is! I'm going.
All right, Ralph.
Go ahead.
Here I go.
Well, looks like we go out and have some steak.
What do you mean? That Johnson isn't a bad general himself.
The sheriff had one of his men stationed on the street right below that window, too.
Whew! Ralph.
You mean to tell me that you're still not willing to give up? I said it before, and I'll say it again.
That landlord is bluffing.
Bluffing? He's bluffing? He's put us out into the street.
Sure, he's put us out into the street.
That's part of his plan.
That's part of his bluff.
He's trying to scare us.
Well, I don't scare that easy.
This has gotten way beyond the five dollars extra a month.
This is a whole new thing! This is might over right, now.
What do you think we're gonna do, Ralph? What do you have in mind? Where are we gonna move all this furniture to? We're not gonna move it anywhere.
We're staying right here in the street.
On the street? Yes, on the street.
Look, he owns the apartment.
He's got a right to put us out of there.
But he doesn't own the streets, Alice.
They belong to the taxpayers! And we're staying right here! And as soon as he finds out that we're blocking his doorway, you'll hear him change his tune! Don't worry about that.
All right, Ralph.
All right.
You want to continue this crazy fight of yours with the landlord, you go right ahead.
But I don't want any part of it.
Now, until we move back into that apartment, I'm packing my things and going over to my mother's.
Go ahead.
Just like you to give up.
Go ahead over to her warm apartment.
I'll stay here, I'll hold the fort! I started this fight and I'll see it out! All right.
All right, Alice, I'm giving up the fight.
I'm going in there and I'm going to pay him the five dollar increase in rent.
But I want you to understand something, Alice.
It's not 'cause I want to do it.
It's not because I'm afraid of the cold or that I'm hungry.
Or that I'm embarrassed by being out here.
Don't think it is that, Alice, 'cause it isn't! You want to know what it is? I'll tell you what it is.
And you know what it is as well as I know what it is.
You know what it is! I'll tell you what it is! Oh, I'll tell you what it is! You know that I know how easy you get virus! Pins and needles, needles and pins.
A happy woman is a woman who grins!